you ve got mail

 

 

Amazing

This

is

amazing

The

entire

work

force

of

Virginia

had

Solitaire

removed

from

their

computers

because

they

hadn't

done

any

work

in

six

weeks

 

That's

so

sad

 

What

we're

seeing

here

is

the

end

of

Western

civilization

as

we

know

it

Hey

aren't

you

late

Technology

Name

me

one

thing

that

we've

gained

from

technology

Electricity

That's

one

You

think

this

machine's

your

friend

but

it's

not

 

I'm

out

of

here

 

 

Sushi

 

Sushi

Bye

Welcome

You've

got

mail

"Brinkley

is

my

dog

He

loves

the

streets

of

New

York

as

much

as

I

do"

Although

he

likes

to

eat

pizza

and

bagel

off

the

sidewalk

 

and

I

prefer

to

buy

them

Brinkley

is

a

great

catcher

who

was

offered

a

tryout

on

the

Mets

But

he

chose

to

stay

with

me

so

he

could

spend

hours

a

day

 

sleeping

on

a

large

green

pillow

the

size

of

an

inner

tube

Don't

you

love

New

York

in

the

fall

Makes

me

want

to

buy

school

supplies

I'm

almost

ready

I

would

send

you

a

bouquet

of

newly

sharpened

pencils

 

if

I

knew

your

name

and

address

On

the

other

hand

this

not

knowing

has

its

charms

 

 

Yes

I

pushed

it

I'm

so

late

Random

House

fired

Dick

Atkins

Good

riddance

Murray

Chilton

died

That's

one

less

person

I'm

not

speaking

to

Hurry

Hurry

Hurry

Vince

got

a

great

review

He'll

be

insufferable

Tonight

PEN

dinner

 

 

Joe

Fox

you

promised

It's

blacktie

Can't

I

just

give

money

instead

What

is

it

this

week

Free

Albanian

writers

I'm

in

favor

of

that

Okay

I'll

go

I'll

go

You're

late

I

know

I

know

Good

morning

Miss

Eden

Who's

a

happy

dog

Who's

a

happy

dog

 

Welcome

 

Welcome

 

You've

got

mail

 

You've

got

mail

All

right

Okay

Get

down

get

down

Dear

friend:

I

like

to

start

my

notes

to

you

 

as

if

we're

already

in

the

middle

of

a

conversation

I

pretend

that

we're

the

oldest

and

dearest

friends

 

as

opposed

to

what

we

actually

are:

People

who

don't

know

each

other's

names

 

and

met

in

a

chat

room

where

we

both

claimed

we'd

never

been

before

"What

will

NY

say

today"

I

wonder

I

turn

on

my

computer

I

wait

impatiently

as

it

connects

I

go

online

 

and

my

breath

catches

in

my

chest

until

I

hear

three

little

words:

"You've

got

mail"

I

hear

nothing

not

even

a

sound

on

the

streets

of

New

York

Just

the

beat

of

my

own

heart

I

have

mail

 

from

you

The

electrical

contractor

called

his

truck

hit

a

deer

last

night

So

he's

not

gonna

be

here

till

tomorrow

And

upstairs

the

shelves

are

late

because

the

pine

we

ordered

has

beetles

Very

good

very

good

And

we

got

a

$

ticket

for

construction

workers

peeing

off

the

roof

Great

That

is

great

Is

the

electrician

here

I

just

told

you

he

hit

a

deer

I

knew

you

weren't

listening

to

me

You're

right

I

wasn't

"I

hear

nothing

Not

a

sound

on

the

city

streets

just

the

beat

of

my

own

heart"

I

think

that's

how

it

goes

Something

like

that

You

and

Patricia

got

engaged

didn't

you

You

can

tell

me

 

 

Are

you

crazy

I

thought

you

liked

Patricia

I

do

I

do

I

love

Patricia

I

love

Patricia

Patricia

is

Patricia's

amazing

She

makes

coffee

nervous

We

should

announce

ourselves

to

the

neighborhood

Let

them

know

here

we

come

This

is

the

Upper

West

Side

We

might

as

well

tell

them

we're

opening

a

crack

house

They're

going

to

hate

us

They're

gonna

be

lining

up

To

picket

the

big

bad

chain

store

That's

out

to

destroy

Everything

they

hold

dear

We're

going

to

seduce

them

with

our

square

footage

and

our

discounts

and

our

deep

armchairs

And

our

cappuccino

They're

going

to

hate

us

at

the

beginning

But

we'll

get

them

in

the

end

 

 

Because

we're

gonna

sell

them

cheap

books

and

legal

addictive

stimulants

In

the

meantime

we'll

just

put

up

a

big

sign:

"Coming

soon

a

Fox

Books

Superstore

The

end

of

civilization

 

as

you

know

it

"

Good

morning

Christina

Morning

Kathleen

It's

a

beautiful

day

Isn't

it

just

the

most

beautiful

day

I

guess

Yeah

sure

 

Idiot

what

are

you

doing

 

I

got

the

green

light

Don't

you

just

love

New

York

in

the

fall

Perfect

Can't

beat

that

Scotch

tape

What

is

going

on

with

you

Nothing

 

You're

in

love

 

Yes

that's

right

I'm

in

love

with

Frank

I'm

practically

living

with

Frank

Do

you

think

you

could

get

our

Christmas

mailers

out

this

week

Yeah

by

Monday

I

promise

I

have

this

paper

due

Friday

What

is

going

on

Nothing

nothing

Nothing

at

all

You

know

I

am

just

going

to

stand

here

until

you

tell

me

All

right

Is

it

infidelity

if

you're

involved

with

someone

on

email

Have

you

had

sex

No

I

don't

even

know

him

 

 

Well

don't

do

it

The

minute

you

do

they

lose

all

respect

for

you

Well

it's

not

like

that

We

just

email

It's

really

nothing

On

top

of

which

I'm

thinking

of

stopping

because

it's

getting

out

of

hand

Confusing

But

not

Because

it's

nothing

Where'd

you

meet

him

Listen

I

can't

even

remember

On

my

birthday

I

wandered

into

the

"over

"

room

for

a

joke

sort

of

And

he

was

there

And

we

started

chatting

About

what

Books

and

music

how

much

we

both

love

New

York

Harmless

harmless

Meaningless

Bouquets

of

sharpened

pencils

Excuse

me

Forget

it

We

don't

talk

about

anything

personal

so

I

don't

know

his

name

or

what

he

does

or

where

he

lives

exactly

so

it'll

be

easy

for

me

to

stop

seeing

him

because

I'm

not

He

could

be

the

next

person

to

walk

into

the

store

I

know

He

could

be

George

Morning

Are

you

online

As

far

as

I'm

concerned

the

Internet

is

just

another

way

of

being

rejected

by

a

woman

Good

morning

Good

morning

Birdie

What

are

you

girls

talking

about

Cybersex

I

tried

to

have

cybersex

once

but

I

kept

getting

a

busy

signal

I

know

I

was

really

depressed

one

Saturday

night

about

:

Time

to

open

up

Jessica

and

Maya

how

are

you

today

 

 

Hi

Kathleen

Good

morning

Shop

Around

the

Corner

George

speaking

May

I

help

you

Construction's

going

well

We

should

open

on

time

Although

Kevin

and

I

are

concerned

about

the

neighborhood

response

This

fabric

on

the

couch

what

is

it

Does

it

have

a

name

Money

Its

name

is

"Money"

 

 

 

Your

father's

getting

married

again

 

 

Congratulations

 

 

 

 

 

I

think

you're

a

damn

fool

Pops

Matthew

is

years

old

okay

It'd

be

nice

if

his

parents

were

married

Listen

I

have

a

sad

announcement

to

make

City

Books

on

rd

Street

It's

going

under

Another

independent

bites

the

dust

On

to

the

next

Going

to

buy

out

their

entire

inventory

of

architecture

and

New

York

history

for

the

new

store

How

much

son

How

much

you

paying

Whatever

it

costs

it

won't

be

as

much

as

that

uncomfortable

mohair

episode

there

which

is

now

all

over

my

suit

Here

you

go

Thanks

We'll

also

have

a

section

dedicated

to

writers

who've

lived

on

the

West

Side

As

a

sop

to

the

neighborhood

Perfect

Keep

those

West

Side

liberal

nuts

pseudointellectual

Readers

Dad

They're

called

readers

Don't

do

that

son

Don't

romanticize

them

It'll

keep

them

from

jumping

down

your

throat

What's

the

competition

One

mystery

store

Sleuth

at

th

and

Amsterdam

and

a

children's

bookstore

Shop

Around

the

Corner

 

It's

been

there

forever

 

Cecilia's

store

Who's

that

Cecilia

Kelly

Lovely

woman

I

think

we

might

have

had

a

date

once

Or

maybe

we

just

exchanged

letters

You

wrote

her

letters

Mail

It

was

called

mail

 

Stamps

envelopes

 

I've

heard

of

it

Cecilia

had

beautiful

penmanship

She

was

too

young

for

me

but

she

was

enchanting

 

 

Too

bad

for

her

 

Excuse

me

Mr

Fox

 

My

father

is

getting

married

again

For

five

years

he's

been

living

with

a

woman

named

Gillian

 

who

studied

decorating

at

Caesar's

Palace

Is

it

porcelain

Rubber

Once

I

read

a

story

about

a

butterfly

in

the

subway

and

today

 

I

saw

one

It

got

on

at

nd

and

off

at

th

where

 

I

assume

it

went

to

Bloomingdale's

 

to

buy

a

hat

that

will

turn

out

to

be

a

mistake

As

almost

all

hats

are

Listen

to

this:

Every

night

a

truck

pulls

up

to

my

neighborhood

bagel

place

 

and

pumps

about

a

ton

of

flour

into

underground

tanks

The

air

is

filled

with

white

dust

which

never

seems

to

land

Why

is

that

I've

read

Pride

and

Prejudice

about

times

I

get

lost

in

the

language

Words

like:

"Thither"

"Mischance"

"Felicity"

I'm

always

in

agony

over

whether

Elizabeth

and

Mr

Darcy

 

are

really

going

to

get

together

Read

it

I

know

you'll

love

it

The

purpose

of

places

like

Starbucks

 

is

for

people

with

no

decisionmaking

ability

 

to

make

six

decisions

just

to

buy

one

cup

of

coffee

Short

tall

light

dark

caf

decaf

 

lowfat

nonfat

 

et

cetera

Mocha

frappuccino

grande

So

people

who

don't

know

what

the

hell

they're

doing

 

or

who

on

earth

they

are

can

for

only

 

 

get

not

just

a

cup

of

coffee

 

but

an

absolutely

defining

sense

of

self

Tall

skim

caramel

macchiato

Tall

Decaf

Cappuccino

Tall

decaf

cappuccino

Bummer

A

Fox

Books

superstore

Quel

nightmare

It

has

nothing

to

do

with

us

It's

big

impersonal

overstocked

and

full

of

ignorant

salespeople

But

they

discount

But

they

don't

provide

any

service

We

do

So

really

it's

a

good

development

You

know

how

in

the

flower

district

there

are

all

those

shops

so

you

can

find

whatever

you

want

This

is

going

to

be

the

book

district

If

they

don't

have

it

we

do

And

vice

versa

Absolutely

When

you

are

finished

with

Fox

Books

The

Shop

Around

the

Corner

is

gonna

be

responsible

for

reversing

the

entire

course

of

the

Industrial

Revolution

Well

now

that

is

so

sweet

Frank

Thank

you

That

is

so

sweet

 

 

Wait

a

minute

What

is

that

doing

here

Oh

my

gosh

This

is

amazing

Listen

The

Olympia

Report

Deluxe

electric

Report

As

in

gunshot

 

 

What

that

whirring

The

gentle

soothing

lullaby

of

a

piece

of

machinery

so

perfect

I

know

where

I've

heard

that

before

Frank

I

needed

a

backup

Don't

you

have

another

one

at

your

apartment

 

 

Yes

Who

cares

What

were

you

gonna

say

 

 

 

 

Well

I'm

just

wondering

I'm

wondering

about

my

work

I'm

just

What

is

it

that

I

do

exactly

All

I

really

do

is

All

you

really

do

is

this

incredibly

noble

thing

 

I

don't

know

Really

I'm

just

 

Kathleen

You

are

a

lone

reed

You

are

a

lone

reed

standing

tall

waving

boldly

in

the

corrupt

sands

of

commerce

 

 

I

am

a

lone

reed

Sometimes

I

wonder

about

my

life

I

lead

a

small

life

Well

valuable

but

small

And

sometimes

I

wonder

 

do

I

do

it

because

I

like

it

 

or

because

I

haven't

been

brave

So

much

of

what

I

see

reminds

me

of

something

I

read

in

a

book

 

when

shouldn't

it

be

the

other

way

around

I

don't

want

an

answer

I

just

want

 

to

send

this

cosmic

question

out

into

the

void

So

 

good

night

dear

void

 

Hey

Joe

 

Hello

Joe

Hey

I

know

you

I

know

you

Hello

Annabel

little

girl

 

 

And

you

 

Matthew

how

are

you

 

Good

Ready

to

say

hello

to

New

Jersey

Hello

New

Jersey

Don't

I

get

a

hello

Hello

Gillian

Kiss

me

I'm

gonna

be

your

wicked

stepmother

There

you

go

Hello

And

who

is

this

Nanny

Maureen

I

brought

her

in

case

you

couldn't

handle

the

kids

Maureen's

getting

a

divorce

I'm

sorry

to

hear

that

It's

my

own

fault

Never

marry

a

man

who

lies

That

is

so

wise

Annabel

remember

that

She

taught

Matt

to

spell

his

name

Really

 

Let's

hear

it

 

Excellent

Excellent

I've

got

this

covered

You

can

have

the

day

off

And

you

must

be

late

for

something

Volunteering

rolling

bandages

for

Bosnian

refugees

I

am

I'm

having

my

eggs

harvested

And

getting

those

eggs

harvested

Don't

worry

See

you

later

 

Bye

Maureen

Bye

Gillian

 

Bye

Bye

Mom

All

right

you

guys

are

you

ready

to

go

out

on

the

boat

 

No

 

No

What

happened

to

you

What

happened

Come

on

one

more

time

Here

you

can

do

that

one

Hey

What

do

we

win

Look

look

look

Yay

 

 

Very

well

I

think

they're

very

happy

 

 

You

guys

want

to

go

to

a

movie

No

there's

nothing

good

playing

Look

A

storybook

lady

Are

we

at

the

right

time

Yeah

let's

go

"That

it

was

I

and

I

alone

who

had

the

idea

for

the

great

and

daring

mouse

plot

We

all

have

our

moments

of

brilliance

and

glory

and

this

was

mine

'Why

don't

we

'

I

said

'slip

it

into

one

of

Mrs

Pratchett's

jars

of

sweets

And

then

when

she

puts

her

dirty

hand

in

to

grab

a

handful

she

will

grab

a

stinky

dead

mouse

instead'

The

other

four

stared

at

me

in

wonder

Then

as

the

sheer

genius

of

the

plot

began

to

sink

in

they

all

started

grinning

They

slapped

me

on

the

back

cheered

me

and

danced

around

the

classroom

'We

will

do

it

today

'

they

cried

'We'll

do

it

on

the

way

home

You

had

the

idea

'

they

said

to

me

'So

you

can

be

the

one

who

puts

the

mouse

in

the

jar'"

 

 

That's

mine

Could

you

give

me

a

hand

with

these

used

books

And

this

is

her

best

friend

Tacy

whose

real

name

is

Anastasia

And

the

next

book

Betsy

and

Tacy

become

friends

with

Tib

whose

real

name

I

am

sorry

to

tell

you

is

Thelma

Ew

The

illustrations

are

handtipped

And

that's

why

it

costs

so

much

That's

why

it's

worth

so

much

I

want

all

of

them

I'll

think

about

it

That's

a

lot

for

your

dad

to

buy

at

one

time

My

dad

gets

me

all

the

books

I

want

That's

very

nice

of

him

That's

not

my

dad

That's

my

nephew

I

don't

really

think

that

he

could

be

your

nephew

No

no

no

It's

true

Annabel

is

my

aunt

Isn't

that

right

Aunt

Annabel

 

 

Wait

let

me

guess

Are

you

his

uncle

No

His

grandfather

His

greatgrandfather

I'm

his

brother

Matt

is

my

father's

son

Annabel

is

my

grandfather's

daughter

We

are

an

American

family

Here

you

go

young

lady

 

What's

that

 

That's

a

handkerchief

Do

children

even

know

what

handkerchiefs

are

A

handkerchief

is

a

Kleenex

that

you

don't

throw

away

See

My

mother

embroidered

this

for

me

My

initials

and

a

daisy

because

daisies

are

my

favorite

flower

May

I

ask

who

you

are

Kathleen

Kelly

I

own

this

store

And

you

are

Joe

Just

call

me

Joe

We'll

take

these

books

Okay

You're

gonna

come

back

aren't

you

 

 

That

is

why

we

won't

go

under

Our

customers

are

loyal

They're

opening

a

Fox

Books

around

the

corner

 

 

But

don't

tell

anybody

It's

nothing

to

be

proud

of

FOX

That's

amazing

You

can

spell

"fox"

Can

you

spell

"dog"

FOX

Look

at

this

dinosaur

book

It's

a

popup

dinosaur

book

Wouldn't

you

like

to

have

a

dinosaur

book

like

that

Wouldn't

you

like

to

read

that

Sit

here

and

read

Matt

the

book

until

I

take

care

of

things

Whatever

you

do

just

don't

listen

to

anything

I

say

Thank

you

We'll

take

that

popup

book

as

well

The

world

is

not

driven

by

discounts

I've

been

in

business

forever

I

started

helping

my

mother

when

I

was

and

I

used

to

watch

her

She

wasn't

just

selling

books

She

was

helping

people

become

whatever

they

were

going

to

be

When

you

read

a

book

as

a

child

it

becomes

part

of

your

identity

in

a

way

that

no

other

reading

in

your

life

does

And

I

have

gotten

carried

away

Yeah

Yeah

you

have

You've

made

me

feel

Enchanting

Your

mother

was

enchanting

Yes

she

was

 

 

How

did

you

know

that

From

the

photograph

That

you

in

the

photograph

What

are

you

doing

Twirling

My

mother

and

I

used

to

twirl

She

left

the

store

to

me

and

I'll

leave

it

to

my

daughter

 

Seventythree

dollars

please

 

 

dollars

How

old

is

your

daughter

now

I

don't

have

a

daughter

I'm

not

married

But

eventually

So

the

big

bad

Fox

Books

can

just

go

to

hell

 

 

Thank

you

Hey

we're

ready

 

That's

nice

 

Bye

Kathleen

Goodbye

Annabel

Goodbye

Matt

Matt

I

have

to

ask

you

another

thing

Can

you

spell

cat

FOX

Cat

Thanks

Good

thing

it

wasn't

the

fish

Take

care

No

protests

no

demonstrations

The

neighborhood

loves

us

They're

wondering

where

we've

been

all

these

years

how

they

did

without

us

It's

a

hit

How's

the

children's

department

It's

early

School's

not

out

And

there

is

that

children's

store

nearby

Shop

Around

the

Corner

Cecilia's

store

Cecilia

Kelly

We

might

have

had

a

date

once

 

 

We'll

crush

it

She

was

enchanting

They've

been

open

six

days

And

we

did

$

less

than

the

same

week

last

year

That

could

be

a

fluke

right

Or

not

Their

store

is

new

It's

a

novelty

It'll

all

shake

out

Meanwhile

I'm

putting

up

more

twinkle

lights

That's

a

fine

idea

What

if

we

have

to

fold

I'll

never

find

another

parttime

job

Then

I

won't

be

able

to

pay

my

rent

and

I'll

have

to

move

To

Brooklyn

The

joy

of

rent

control

Six

rooms

 

a

month

We

know

You've

told

us

a

million

times

I

can't

believe

you're

bringing

this

up

at

a

time

like

this

It's

like

those

people

who

brag

because

they're

tall

We

are

not

going

to

fold

Hey

I

This

place

is

a

tomb

I'm

going

to

the

nut

shop

where

it's

fun

George

George

Miranda

Hi

Hi

Kathleen

are

you

surviving

We're

so

excited

about

your

new

book

When

should

we

schedule

a

signing

It's

being

published

in

January

Will

you

be

in

business

in

January

I'm

so

worried

We're

doing

great

Aren't

we

No

difference

whatsoever

Great

Thank

God

You

can

count

on

me

for

anything

Support

rallies

picket

lines

We

can

get

the

Times

to

write

something

Or

that

nut

from

the

Observer

What

 

What

nut

in

the

Observer

 

Frank

somethingorother

The

one

who's

in

love

with

his

typewriter

This

is

just

the

sort

of

thing

that

would

outrage

him

A

nut

She

called

me

a

nut

That's

not

the

point

She

thinks

my

store

is

in

trouble

Why

would

she

say

that

There's

enough

business

for

us

all

 

Yes

there

is

No

question

 

You're

more

than

fine

You're

absolutely

fine

 

 

How

are

you

 

 

Vince

will

be

so

happy

to

see

you

Congratulations

Guess

who

I

saw

on

the

subway

today

This

is

amazing

"You

should

go

to

a

retreat

You

really

should

go

to

a

retreat"

Honey

will

you

get

me

another

drink

I'm

all

out

"It's

a

really

great

place

to

calm

down"

He

said

that

to

me

Isn't

that

hilarious

Champagne

please

Stoli

on

the

rocks

But

a

fresh

glass

please

White

wine

please

 

 

Hello

 

 

Do

you

remember

me

from

the

bookstore

Of

course

I

remember

you

Yes

How's

your

aunt

She's

great

Thanks

I'd

better

go

deliver

this

I

have

a

very

thirsty

date

She's

part

camel

Joe

right

Joe

isn't

it

And

you

are

Kathleen

Kathleen

Kelly

Two

white

wine

please

I

cannot

believe

that

you

were

speaking

to

Joe

Fox

 

 

 

 

he's

gonna

take

over

everything

Fox

Your

last

name

is

Fox

FOX

God

I

didn't

realize

I

didn't

know

Who

you

were

with

I

didn't

know

who

you

were

with

Excuse

me

It's

from

The

Godfather

Sorry

it's

from

The

Godfather

It's

when

the

movie

producer

realizes

that

Tom

Hagen

is

an

emissary

of

vito

Corleone

Just

before

the

horse's

head

ends

up

in

the

bed

with

all

the

bloody

sheets

Wakes

up

and

it's:

Never

mind

You

were

spying

on

me

weren't

you

You

probably

rented

those

children

Why

would

I

spy

on

you

Because

I

am

your

competition

which

you

know

Just

around

the

corner

Our

store

entrance

is

around

the

corner

There's

no

other

way

to

say

it

It's

not

the

name

of

our

store

It's

where

it

is

And

you

do

not

own

the

phrase

around

the

corner

What

is

that

What

are

you

doing

What

is

that

What

are

you

doing

You're

taking

all

the

caviar

That

caviar

is

a

garnish

The

reason

I

came

into

your

store

is

because

I

was

spending

the

day

with

Annabel

and

Matt

I

was

buying

them

presents

I'm

the

type

of

guy

who

likes

to

buy

his

way

into

the

hearts

of

children

who

are

his

relatives

There

was

only

one

place

to

find

a

children's

book

in

the

neighborhood

That

won't

always

be

the

case

And

it

was

yours

And

it

is

a

charming

little

bookstore

You

probably

sell

what

$

worth

of

books

in

a

year

How

did

you

know

that

I'm

in

the

book

business

I

am

in

the

book

business

I

see

And

we

are

the

Price

Club

Only

instead

of

a

gallon

vat

of

olive

oil

for

 

that

won't

even

fit

under

your

kitchen

cabinet

we

sell

cheap

books

Me

a

spy

Absolutely

I

have

in

my

possession

the

secret

printout

of

the

sales

figures

of

a

bookstore

so

inconsequential

yet

full

of

its

own

virtue

that

I

had

to

rush

over

for

fear

it

will

put

me

out

of

business

What

What

Hey

How

you

doing

Frank

Navasky

Joe

Fox

 

 

The

inventor

of

the

superstore

Of

course

The

enemy

of

the

midlist

novel

The

destroyer

of

City

Books

Tell

me

something

really

How

do

you

sleep

at

night

I

use

a

wonderful

overthecounter

drug:

Ultradorm

Don't

take

the

whole

thing

just

half

You'll

wake

up

without

even

the

tiniest

hangover

 

You're

Frank

Navasky

aren't

you

 

Your

last

piece

in

the

Observer

about

Anthony

Powell

was

brilliant

 

 

I'm

Patricia

Eden

Hi

Eden

Books

Joe

this

man

is

the

greatest

living

expert

on

Julius

and

Ethel

Rosenberg

You

really

liked

my

This

is

Kathleen

Kelly

My

piece

I

just

You

know

I'm

flattered

You

write

these

things

You

think

somebody'll

mention

them

A

week

goes

by

the

phone

doesn't

ring

and

you

think:

"I'm

a

fraud

I'm

a

failure

or

something"

You

know

what

fascinated

me

about

Julius

and

Ethel

Rosenberg

Is

how

old

they

looked

when

they

were

really

just

our

age

You

know

I'm

so

happy

to

have

finally

met

you

We

will

talk

Have

you

ever

thought

about

doing

a

book

It's

crossed

my

mind

something

relevant

for

today

like

the

Luddite

movement

in

th

century

England

We

should

talk

Call

me

Hon

have

you

ever

had

a

caviar

garnish

I

had

no

idea

Frank

Navasky

was

going

to

be

so

downtoearth

You

read

his

stuff

you

think

he's

going

to

be

so

obscure

and

abstruse

He's

always

talking

about

Heidegger

and

Foucault

And

I

have

no

idea

what

any

of

it's

about

really

I'm

not

tired

I'm

not

Do

you

ever

feel

you've

become

the

worst

version

of

yourself

That

a

Pandora's

box

of

all

the

secret

hateful

parts

 

your

arrogance

your

spite

 

your

condescension

 

has

sprung

open

Someone

provokes

you

and

instead

of

smiling

 

and

moving

on

you

zing

them

"Hello

it's

Mr

Nasty"

I'm

sure

you

have

no

idea

what

I'm

talking

about

No

I

know

what

you

mean

and

I'm

completely

jealous

What

happens

to

me

when

I'm

provoked

is

that

I

get

tonguetied

My

mind

goes

Blank

Then

I

spend

all

night

tossing

and

turning

 

trying

to

figure

out

what

I

should've

said

What

should

I

have

said

for

example

to

the

Bottomdweller

who

recently

belittled

my

existence

Nothing

Nothing

Even

now

Even

now

Days

later

I

can't

figure

it

out

Wouldn't

it

be

wonderful

if

I

could

pass

all

my

zingers

to

you

Then

I'd

never

behave

badly

and

you

could

behave

badly

all

the

time

And

we'd

both

be

happy

On

the

other

hand

I

must

warn

you:

When

you

finally

have

the

pleasure

of

saying

the

thing

you

mean

to

say

 

at

the

moment

you

mean

to

say

it

remorse

inevitably

follows

Do

you

think

we

should

meet

Meet

Oh

my

God

Seventytwo

twentyseven

This

is

a

cashonly

line

 

 

Oh

my

God

Oh

my

God

I

just

have

a

credit

card

I'm

sorry

Is

that

okay

No

it's

not

okay

There's

a

sign

I'm

sorry

I'm

very

sorry

I

never

do

this

but

I'm

asking

you

to

make

an

exception

in

this

one

case

You

have

no

cash

 

 

No

she

has

no

cash

Get

on

another

line

lady

I

have

a

dollar

That's

all

I

have

a

dollar

One

dollar

 

 

 

 

No

I

do

not

need

any

money

Thank

you

very

much

 

 

Rose

That

is

a

great

name

Rose

This

is

Kathleen

I'm

Joe

And

I'm

Henry

Henry

how

are

you

Happy

holidays

This

is

a

credit

card

machine

Happy

Thanksgiving

It's

your

turn

to

say

Happy

Thanksgiving

back

Happy

Thanksgiving

back

Knock

knock

 

Who's

there

 

Orange

who

Orange

you

going

to

give

us

a

break

by

zipping

this

credit

card

through

the

credit

card

machine

Come

on

you

can

do

it

Zip

zip

There

you

go

Rose

That

is

a

great

name

So

you're

fine

Fine

Happy

Thanksgiving

Henry

happy

Thanksgiving

I'm

so

sorry

Really

 

 

So

sign

already

 

I'd

like

to

get

home

for

the

parade

 

 

Wonderful

 

I

got

it

It's

coming

on

Christmas

They're

cutting

down

trees

Do

you

know

that

Joni

Mitchell

song

I

wish

I

had

a

river

I

could

skate

away

on

Such

a

sad

song

And

not

really

about

Christmas

at

all

But

I

was

thinking

about

it

tonight

as

I

was

decorating

my

Christmas

tree

Unwrapping

funky

ornaments

made

of

Popsicle

sticks

 

and

missing

my

mother

so

much

I

almost

couldn't

breathe

I

always

miss

my

mother

at

Christmas

But

somehow

it

is

worse

this

year

since

I

need

some

advice

from

her

I

need

her

to

make

me

some

cocoa

 

and

tell

me

that

everything

that's

going

badly

in

my

life

will

sort

itself

out

What

kind

of

advice

do

you

need

Can

I

help

Can

you

help

I

wish

you

could

help

I

wish

I

had

a

gut

feeling

you'd

be

online

now

Hi

I

can

give

you

advice

I'm

great

at

advice

If

only

you

could

help

Is

it

about

love

Please

say

no

No

How

cute

is

that

My

business

is

in

trouble

Well

I'm

a

brilliant

businessman

It's

what

I

do

best

What's

your

business

No

No

specifics

Remember

Okay

Well

minus

specifics

it's

hard

to

help

except

to

say

go

to

the

mattresses

Except

to

say

go

to

the

matt

What

What

does

that

mean

It's

from

The

Godfather

It

means

you

have

to

go

to

war

What

is

it

with

men

and

The

Godfather

Hello

Come

on

Hello

Well

Well

what

can

I

Michael

The

Godfather

is

the

I

Ching

The

Godfather

is

the

sum

of

all

wisdom

The

Godfather

is

the

answer

to

any

question

What

should

I

pack

for

my

summer

vacation

"Leave

the

gun

Take

the

cannoli"

What

day

of

the

week

is

it

"Monday

Tuesday

Thursday

Wednesday"

The

answer

to

your

question

is:

Go

to

the

mattresses

You're

at

war

"It's

not

personal

it's

business

It's

not

personal

It's

business"

Recite

that

to

yourself

every

time

you

feel

you're

losing

your

nerve

I

know

you

worry

about

being

brave

Don't

This

is

your

chance

Fight

Fight

to

the

death

Fight

to

the

death

It's

not

personal

It's

business

Just

fight

Fight

fight

fight

 

 

I've

been

thinking

 

 

I've

decided

to

go

the

mattresses

Do

you

think

it

would

be

a

conflict

of

interest

if

you

wrote

about

the

store

 

 

No

So

you'll

do

it

Yes

Yes

Do

you

know

what

it

is

to

go

to

the

mattresses

From

The

Godfather

Good

morning

Shop

Around

the

Corner

George

speaking

may

I

help

you

Kathleen

the

Channel

truck

just

pulled

up

In

a

second

Everyone's

read

the

article

"So

you

do

not

have

to

look

to

the

usual

places

where

good

and

evil

face

off

the

places

Herodotus

called

'the

happy

land

of

absolutes'

We

have

the

perfect

example

here

on

the

West

Side

where

the

cold

cash

cow

Fox

Books

threatens

survival

of

a

temple

to

one

of

the

twentieth

century's

most

profound

truths:

You

are

what

you

read"

I

believe

that

"Save

The

Shop

Around

the

Corner

and

you

will

save

your

soul"

Frank

that's

charming

Think

it's

a

little

over

the

top

That

was

The

Village

Voice

I

told

them

to

come

over

whenever

Oh

man

Float

like

a

butterfly

Sting

like

a

bee

One

two

three

four

We

don't

want

your

superstore

Five

six

seven

eight

Go

away

and

close

the

gate

One

two

three

four

We

don't

want

this

superstore

 

Is

that

what

they're

saying

 

 

Well

who

wrote

that

 

Pissing

me

off

actually

Do

you

want

the

West

Side

to

become

one

big

gigantic

strip

mall

No

Do

you

want

to

get

off

the

subway

at

nd

and

Broadway

and

not

even

know

you're

in

New

York

City

Can

we

save

The

Shop

Around

the

Corner

Yes

We're

here

in

front

of

The

Shop

Around

the

Corner

 

the

famous

West

Side

children's

bookstore

 

now

on

the

verge

of

having

to

close

its

doors

 

because

the

big

bad

wolf

Fox

Books

 

has

opened

only

a

few

hundred

feet

away

 

wooing

customers

with

its

sharp

discounts

and

designer

coffee

They

have

to

have

discounts

and

lattes

 

because

their

workers

have

never

read

a

book

She's

not

as

nice

as

she

seems

on

TV

 

 

Boy

she's

a

pill

Probably

ain't

as

fine

as

she

look

on

TV

either

Oh

no

no

She's

beautiful

But

she's

a

pill

You

don't

feel

bad

about

sending

her

ass

back

to

the

projects

with

food

stamps

Broke

single

white

lady

It's

not

personal

 

It's

business

 

Hey

here's

a

goodlooking

guy

I

sell

cheap

books

I

do

So

sue

me

And

that

in

a

nutshell

is

the

Fox

Books

philosophy

That's

what

you

said

Discount

them

and

sell

them

That's

not

all

I

said

I

can't

believe

those

bastards

I

said

we

were

great

I

said

you

could

read

for

hours

and

no

one

will

bother

you

I

said

we

had

titles

I

showed

them

the

New

York

City

section

I

said

we

were

a

goddamn

piazza

A

place

in

this

city

where

people

could

mingle

Piazza

I

was

eloquent

 

Shit

 

It's

inevitable

People

want

to

turn

her

into

Joan

of

Arc

And

you

into

Attila

the

Hun

Not

me

personally

but

the

company

yeah

I

have

met

Joe

Fox

I've

heard

him

compare

his

store

to

a

Price

Club

 

and

the

books

in

it

to

cans

of

olive

oil

The

bookstore

tell

us

about

it

The

Shop

Around

the

Corner

has

a

kind

of

Jeffersonian

purity

to

it

 

that

the

city

needs

in

order

to

maintain

historical

integrity

Jeffersonian

purity

That

was

nice

Thank

you

Thank

you

Sounded

good

 

 

Yeah

I'm

taping

this

Technologically

speaking

the

world's

out

of

hand

Take

the

VCR

The

whole

idea

behind

the

VCR

is

that

it

makes

it

possible

 

for

you

to

tape

what's

on

TV

when

you

leave

the

house

The

whole

idea

behind

leaving

the

house

 

is

so

you

can

miss

what's

on

television

 

I've

heard

you

say

that

before

 

She

hasn't

Absolutely

Right

She

gets

it

Radio

There's

a

medium

I

can

get

behind

You

gonna

start

collecting

radios

now

We're

on

television

 

You're

good

at

it

 

No

no

no

Frank

She's

coming

on

to

you

They

do

this

on

television

The

Shop

Around

the

Corner

 

it's

a

true

New

York

treasure

As

are

you

Honestly

I'd

love

to

have

you

back

Is

she

sweating

She's

touching

herself

And

she's

sweating

Anytime

We

can

turn

it

off

Oh

my

God

I

just

want

to

say

that

yours

is

the

only

show

I

watch

Oh

my

God

No

I

was

being

polite

 

Thank

you

Frank

Navasky

 

No

thank

you're

"Thank

you're"

I'm

sorry

Thank

you're

Thank

you're

ladies

and

gentlemen

I

slobbered

all

over

her

didn't

I

But

I

think

that

there's

something

there

So

first

I

gotta

go

get

some

eucalyptus

candles

because

it

makes

my

apartment

smell

mossy

Then

I'm

going

to

the

market

and

I

can't

decide

whether

to

get

sausage

for

the

meat

sauce

or

chopped

meat

Spare

us

You

know

what

Clam

sauce

Because

this

is

a

big

date

Don't

tell

me

Not

the

slightest

difference

How

can

that

be

All

this

publicity

and

not

one

bit

of

difference

Birdie

what

am

I

going

to

do

What

would

Mom

have

done

Well

let's

ask

her

Cecilia

what

should

we

do

Birdie

She

has

no

idea

But

she

thinks

the

window

display

is

lovely

 

Good

night

dearie

 

I

need

help

Do

you

still

want

to

meet

me

I

would

love

to

meet

you

Where

When

So

I

suppose

she's

carrying

a

copy

of

a

book

with

a

flower

in

it

Not

really

She

could

be

a

real

dog

man

I'm

only

staying

minutes

I'll

say

hello

have

a

cup

of

coffee

and

then

I'll

split

Hope

she

doesn't

have

a

squeaky

voice

like

the

mice

in

Cinderella

Why

am

I

doing

this

Why

am

I

compelled

to

meet

her

Why

Relax

You're

just

taking

it

to

the

next

level

I

always

do

that

I

always

take

a

relationship

to

the

next

level

If

that

works

out

I

take

it

to

the

next

level

after

that

Till

I

reach

that

level

where

it

becomes

absolutely

necessary

for

me

to

leave

I

won't

stay

that

long

anyway

I

already

said

that

didn't

I

Yes

you

did

Well

okay

Cafй

Lalo

This

is

it

Eight

o'clock

We

got

here

fast

didn't

we

Kevin

this

woman

is

the

most

adorable

creature

I've

ever

been

in

contact

with

If

she

turns

out

even

to

be

as

goodlooking

as

a

mailbox

I'd

be

crazy

not

to

turn

my

life

upside

down

and

marry

her

She

could

be

a

real

dog

But

good

luck

Would

you

go

and

look

for

me

Go

look

through

the

window

and

check

her

out

Please

All

right

 

You're

pathetic

man

 

All

right

I'll

see

what

I

see

You

see

her

Wait

yeah

I

see

a

very

beautiful

girl

She's

fine

She's

fine

 

 

She's

gorgeous

I

knew

she

would

be

But

no

book

All

right

Okay

wait

Wait

a

minute

There's

a

book

with

a

flower

So

this

got

to

be

her

What

does

she

look

like

Can't

see

Waiter's

blocking

Damn

it

Hold

on

he's

moving

Yeah

Can

you

see

her

Can

you

see

her

Yeah

And

She's

very

pretty

She

is

I

knew

she

would

be

She

had

to

be

She

had

to

be

You

know

what

She

look

I

mean

she

almost

has

the

same

coloring

as

that

Kathleen

Kelly

person

Kathleen

Kelly

of

the

bookstore

Why

not

You

thought

she

was

attractive

Absolutely

Why

not

Who

cares

about

Kathleen

Kelly

Well

if

you

don't

like

Kathleen

Kelly

I

can

tell

you

right

now

you

ain't

gonna

like

this

girl

Why

not

Because

it

is

Kathleen

Kelly

What

are

you

going

to

do

Nothing

You

just

gonna

let

her

wait

there

all

night

That's

exactly

what

I'm

going

to

do

Good

night

I'll

see

you

in

the

morning

Do

you

mind

if

I

borrow

this

chair

Yes

I

mind

Sorry

I'm

expecting

someone

Would

you

like

another

tea

Yes

Thank

you

Kathleen

Kelly

Hello

This

is

a

coincidence

Would

you

mind

if

I

sat

down

Yes

I

would

actually

I'm

expecting

someone

Pride

and

Prejudice

Do

you

mind

I

bet

you

read

that

book

every

year

I

bet

you

just

love

that

Mr

Darcy

Your

sentimental

heart

beats

wildly

at

the

thought

he

and

whatever

her

name

is

are

truly

honestly

going

to

end

up

together

 

 

No

he's

not

staying

Mochaccino

decaf

nonfat

You

are

not

staying

I'll

just

stay

here

until

your

friend

gets

here

Gee

is

he

late

The

heroine

of

Pride

and

Prejudice

is

Elizabeth

Bennet

She

is

a

great

and

complex

character

Not

that

you

would

know

As

a

matter

of

fact

I've

read

it

Well

good

for

you

You'd

discover

a

lot

if

you

really

knew

me

I

know

what

I'd

find

Instead

of

a

brain

a

cash

register

Instead

of

a

heart

a

bottom

line

What

 

 

For

the

first

time

when

confronted

with

a

horrible

insensitive

person

I

knew

exactly

what

I

wanted

to

say

and

I

said

it

You

have

a

gift

for

it

That

was

a

perfect

blend

of

poetry

and

meanness

Meanness

Let

me

tell

you

about

meanness

Don't

misunderstand

me

I'm

trying

to

pay

you

a

compliment

 

 

Is

this

a

red

Rose

No

it's

a

crimson

Rose

Something

you

read

about

in

a

book

It's

funny

to

you

isn't

it

Everything

is

a

joke

to

you

Please

leave

Please

leave

I

beg

you

Thank

you

That

hanky

reminds

me

of

the

first

day

I

met

you

First

day

you

lied

to

me

 

I

didn't

lie

to

you

 

 

No

I

didn't

 

Yes

you

did

 

 

 

 

I

thought

that

Fox

stuff

was

so

charming

FOX

I

didn't

lie

about

it

 

Joe

"Just

call

me

Joe"

 

As

if

you

were

a

stupid

yearold

girl

with

no

last

name

Hi

I'm

Kimberly

Hi

I'm

Janice

Don't

they

know

you're

supposed

to

have

a

last

name

It's

like

an

entire

generation

of

cocktail

waitresses

Look

 

I

am

not

a

yearold

cocktail

waitress

 

That's

not

what

I

meant

When

I

said

the

thing

about

the

Price

Club

and

olive

oil

that's

not

what

I

meant

You

poor

sad

multimillionaire

I

feel

so

sorry

for

you

I'll

take

a

wild

guess

that's

not

him

either

So

who

is

he

I

wonder

Certainly

not

the

world's

greatest

expert

on

Julius

and

Ethel

Rosenberg

But

somebody

else

entirely

different

Will

you

be

mean

to

him

too

No

I

will

not

The

man

who

is

coming

here

is

completely

unlike

you

The

man

who

is

coming

here

is

kind

and

funny

He's

got

a

wonderful

sense

of

humor

But

he's

not

here

If

he's

not

he

has

a

reason

because

there

is

not

a

cruel

or

careless

bone

in

his

body

I

wouldn't

expect

you

to

understand

anybody

like

that

You

with

your

theme

park

multilevel

homogenizetheworld

Mochaccinoland

You've

deluded

yourself

that

you're

a

benefactor

bringing

books

to

the

masses

But

no

one

will

ever

remember

you

Joe

Fox

And

maybe

no

one

will

remember

me

But

plenty

of

people

remember

my

mother

They

think

she

was

fine

They

think

her

store

was

something

special

You

are

nothing

but

a

suit

That's

my

cue

Good

night

So

then

the

agent

asks

"If

you

think

I'm

even

going

to

talk

to

you

about

paying

that

kind

of

advance

for

an

author

whose

last

book

is

being

used

as

a

trivet

all

over

the

world

you

are

completely

crazy"

She

was

insulting

and

provocative

and

the

only

thing

pleasant

about

her

was

the

way

her

hair

fell

across

her

forehead

Underneath

that

disagreeable

exterior

she

may

be

A

real

bitch

Let's

not

talk

about

it

I'm

going

back

to

the

office

and

I'm

sure

you

have

work

to

do

Not

really

This

place

is

a

welloiled

machine

my

friend

So

What

happened

 

 

I

wouldn't

characterize

it

that

way

I

think

something

happened

Something

unexpected

that

made

it

impossible

for

him

to

What

if

he

showed

up

took

one

look

at

me

and

left

Not

possible

Maybe

there

was

a

subway

accident

Absolutely

A

train

got

trapped

underground

with

him

inside

And

no

phone

And

you

know

how

those

express

trains

create

suction

He

got

sucked

onto

the

tracks

The

third

rail

He's

toast

What

happened

He

was

unable

to

make

it

He

stood

you

up

Maybe

he

had

a

car

accident

Those

cab

drivers

are

maniacs

They

hit

something

and

you

slam

into

that

plastic

partition

Or

his

elbows

could

be

in

splints

so

he

couldn't

dial

Or

he

could

be

unconscious

In

a

coma

Stuck

in

intensive

care

With

a

heart

monitor

beeping

And

like

 

 

What

What

are

you

saying

It

could

be

He

was

arrested

two

blocks

from

the

cafй

Is

there

a

picture

So

that

explains

it

He

was

in

jail

And

there

was

a

phone

He

only

got

one

call

so

he

called

his

lawyer

You

are

so

lucky

You

could

be

dead

He

couldn't

be

the

Rooftop

Killer

Remember

when

you

thought

Frank

might

be

the

Unabomber

Well

That

was

different

How

long

did

you

sit

there

all

alone

 

 

I

don't

want

to

talk

about

it

Let's

get

to

work

There's

got

to

be

something

to

do

There's

always

something

to

do

 

 

So

He

was

unavoidably

detained

He

stood

you

up

I've

been

thinking

about

you

Last

night

I

went

to

meet

you

and

you

weren't

there

I

wish

I

knew

why

I

felt

so

foolish

And

as

I

waited

someone

else

showed

up

A

man

who

has

made

my

professional

life

a

misery

And

an

amazing

thing

happened

I

was

able

for

the

first

time

 

to

say

the

exact

thing

I

wanted

to

say

 

at

the

exact

moment

I

wanted

to

say

it

And

of

course

afterwards

I

felt

terrible

 

just

as

you

said

I

would

I

was

cruel

and

I'm

never

cruel

Though

I

hardly

believe

what

I

said

mattered

to

this

man

To

him

I

am

just

a

bug

to

be

crushed

But

what

if

it

did

No

matter

what

he's

done

to

me

there

is

no

excuse

for

my

behavior

Anyway

 

I

so

wanted

to

talk

to

you

I

hope

you

have

a

good

reason

for

not

being

there

last

night

You

don't

seem

like

the

kind

of

person

who'd

do

something

like

that

The

odd

thing

about

this

form

of

communication

 

is

that

you're

more

likely

to

talk

about

nothing

than

something

But

I

just

want

to

say

 

that

all

this

nothing

has

meant

more

to

me

than

so

many

 

somethings

So

thanks

Goodbye

I

am

in

 

Vancouver

I

was

stuck

in

a

meeting

which

I

couldn't

get

out

of

 

and

 

the

electricity

went

out

And

 

we

were

trapped

 

on

the

th

floor

And

the

telephone

system

blew

too

Amazingly

enough

Dear

friend:

I

cannot

tell

you

what

happened

last

night

But

I

beg

you

from

the

bottom

of

my

heart

 

to

forgive

me

for

not

being

there

For

what

happened

I

feel

terrible

that

you

found

yourself

in

a

situation

 

that

caused

you

additional

pain

But

I'm

absolutely

sure

 

that

whatever

you

said

last

night

was

provoked

Even

deserved

Everyone

says

things

they

regret

when

they're

worried

or

stressed

You

were

expecting

to

see

someone

you

trusted

 

and

met

the

enemy

instead

The

fault

is

mine

Someday

I'll

explain

everything

Meanwhile

 

I'm

still

here

Talk

to

me

Did

he

say

anything

about

wanting

to

meet

you

again

No

not

really

Listen

it

doesn't

matter

We'll

just

be

like

George

Bernard

Shaw

and

Mrs

Patrick

Campbell

We'll

write

letters

our

whole

lives

Thank

you

for

the

scones

They

look

lovely

Birdie

where

was

this

one

taken

Seville

 

 

So

dearie

what

have

you

decided

to

do

Close

We're

going

to

close

Close

Closing

the

store

is

the

brave

thing

to

do

You

are

such

a

liar

But

thank

you

You

are

daring

to

imagine

that

you

could

have

a

different

life

I

know

it

doesn't

feel

like

that

You

feel

like

a

big

fat

failure

now

But

you're

not

You

are

marching

into

the

unknown

armed

with

nothing

Have

a

sandwich

Not

nothing

I

have

a

little

money

saved

If

you

need

more

ask

me

I'm

very

rich

I

bought

Intel

at

six

I

suppose

you

want

me

to

tell

you

who

it

was

I

fell

madly

in

love

with

But

I'm

not

going

to

tell

Who

was

it

Birdie

Come

on

tell

Uch

That's

so

mean

But

so

romantic

 

It

wasn't

meant

to

be

 

He

ran

Spain

Spain

The

country

he

ran

it

It

was

his

job

And

then

he

died

Just

as

well

Milk

or

lemon

She

fell

in

love

with

Generalissimo

Franco

Don't

say

that

We

don't

know

that

for

sure

Who

else

could

it

have

been

It

was

around

 

 

 

I

can't

believe

this

It's

not

like

he

was

something

normal

like

a

socialist

or

an

anarchist

It

happened

in

Spain

People

do

stupid

things

in

foreign

countries

They

buy

leather

jackets

for

much

more

than

they're

worth

But

they

don't

fall

in

love

with

fascist

dictators

Birdie

is

a

very

special

person

to

me

She

is

practically

my

surrogate

mother

She's

out

of

her

mind

She

is

not

I

could

never

be

with

anybody

who

doesn't

take

politics

as

seriously

as

I

do

Do

you

mind

A

hot

dog

is

singing

You

need

quiet

while

a

hot

dog

is

singing

I

have

something

to

tell

you

Frank

 

I

didn't

vote

 

In

the

last

mayoral

election

when

Rudy

Giuliani

was

running

against

Ruth

Messinger

I

went

to

get

a

manicure

And

forgot

to

vote

Since

when

do

you

get

manicures

I

suppose

you

could

never

be

with

a

woman

who

got

manicures

It's

okay

I

forgive

you

You

forgive

me

Excuse

me

I'm

sorry

Excuse

me

This

has

been

a

big

week

You're

closing

the

store

No

it's

not

that

Really

it's

not

I

know

I

know

That

was

terrible

of

me

What

was

terrible

Jumping

all

over

you

when

I'm

the

one

I

don't

even

know

how

to

say

this

What

is

it

What

You're

a

wonderful

person

So

are

you

And

I'm

so

honored

that

you'd

want

to

be

with

me

because

you

wouldn't

be

with

anyone

who

wasn't

truly

worthy

 

 

No

God

don't

Don't

say

that

That

makes

it

worse

What

You

don't

love

me

Me

either

You

don't

love

me

No

But

we're

so

right

for

each

other

I

know

I

know

Well

is

there

someone

else

That

woman

on

television

Sidney

Ann

Nothing

has

happened

but

Is

she

a

Republican

I

can't

help

myself

What

about

you

Is

there

someone

else

No

No

but

But

there

is

the

dream

of

someone

else

Grab

a

copy

of

The

Trumpet

of

the

Swan

This

is

a

tragedy

 

 

Ten

dollars

it's

yours

What

are

you

going

to

do

now

I

don't

know

I

think

I'll

take

some

time

I'm

almost

looking

forward

to

it

Good

luck

to

you

I

came

here

every

Saturday

when

I

was

a

little

girl

I

remember

when

your

mother

gave

me

Anne

of

Green

Gables

Read

it

with

a

box

of

Kleenex

she

told

me

Could

someone

help

me

She's

looking

down

on

you

now

I'm

sure

she

is

Why

don't

we

bomb

Fox

Books

Do

you

have

the

"shoe"

books

The

shoe

books

Who's

the

author

I

don't

know

My

friend

told

me

my

daughter

has

to

read

the

shoe

books

so

here

I

am

Noel

Streatfeild

Noel

Streatfeild

wrote

Ballet

Shoes

and

Skating

Shoes

and

Theatre

Shoes

and

Dancing

Shoes

and

I'd

start

with

Ballet

Shoes

first

It's

my

favorite

Although

Skating

Shoes

is

completely

wonderful

But

it's

out

of

print

Streatfeild

How

do

you

spell

that

STREATFElLD

Thank

you

Kathleen

Kelly

It

was

like

her

name

was

in

the

air

Just

like

that

Everyone

was

talking

about

her

today

Kathleen

Kelly

and

her

"situation"

And

I

was

thinking

that

she'd

make

a

great

children's

book

editor

What

makes

you

think

that

Well

she

knows

everything

She

has

flawless

taste

She's

famous

for

it

Salesmen

swear

by

her

If

she

likes

the

book

it

sells

Period

You're

going

to

offer

her

a

job

What

else

has

she

got

to

do

 

Now

that

she's

destitute

 

 

I

don't

see

her

working

for

you

 

She

lacks

the

killer

instinct

She's

never

fired

anybody

Look

at

that

little

shop

Those

people

have

been

there

forever

Till

recently

when

they

all

lost

their

jobs

Thanks

to

you

Hold

the

elevator

Missy

Mr

Fox

Hello

Charlie

I

love

how

you've

forgotten

you

had

any

role

in

her

current

situation

It's

so

obtuse

It's

so

insensitive

Reminds

me

of

someone

Who

does

it

remind

me

of

Me

What

is

going

on

Could

be

stuck

What

are

you

doing

I

hope

this

thing

doesn't

plummet

to

the

basement

 

 

It

cannot

plummet

to

the

basement

Hi

this

is

Joe

Fox

Who's

this

Juan

We

are

stuck

in

the

elevator

between

the

sixth

and

seventh

floor

There's

four

of

us

And

if

you

don't

get

your

ass

up

here

in

two

shakes

and

get

us

the

hell

out

of

here

Juan

Yeah

Listen

Call

the

super

and

then

 

 

The

fire

department

that's

right

Thank

you

very

much

 

 

We

jump

The

elevator

thinks

no

one

is

here

and

it

opens

One

two

three

Jump

If

I

ever

get

out

of

here

I'm

going

to

start

speaking

to

my

mama

Wonder

what

she's

doing

right

this

very

minute

If

I

ever

get

out

of

here

I'm

marrying

Orit

I

love

her

I

should

marry

her

I

don't

know

what's

been

stopping

me

If

I

ever

get

out

of

here

I'm

having

my

eyes

lasered

If

I

ever

get

out

of

here

Where

are

my

TicTacs

What

I

came

home

tonight

and

got

into

the

elevator

to

go

to

my

apartment

An

hour

later

I

got

out

of

the

elevator

 

and

Brinkley

and

I

moved

out

Suddenly

everything

had

become

clear

It's

a

long

story

 

full

of

the

personal

details

we

avoid

so

carefully

Let

me

just

say

 

there

was

a

man

sitting

in

the

elevator

with

me

 

who

knew

exactly

what

he

wanted

And

I

found

myself

wishing

I

were

as

lucky

as

he

People

are

always

telling

you

that

change

is

a

good

thing

But

all

they're

saying

is

that

something

you

didn't

want

to

happen

at

all

 

has

happened

My

store

is

closing

this

week

I

own

a

store

Did

I

ever

tell

you

that

It's

a

lovely

store

In

a

week

it

will

be

something

depressing

 

like

a

Baby

Gap

Soon

we'll

just

be

a

memory

In

fact

some

foolish

person

will

probably

think

it's

a

tribute

to

this

city

The

way

it

keeps

changing

on

you

or

the

way

you

can

never

count

on

it

I

know

because

that's

the

sort

of

thing

I'd

say

But

the

truth

is

 

I'm

heartbroken

I

feel

as

if

a

part

of

me

has

died

 

and

my

mother

has

died

all

over

again

And

no

one

can

ever

make

it

right

What

happened

Oh

hell

How

are

you

You

know

Dad

you

did

pretty

well

At

least

you

didn't

marry

her

Welcome

aboard

 

 

You

know

I've

stayed

on

this

boat

after

Let's

see

Your

mother

Laurette

the

ballet

dancer

My

nanny

She

was

the

nanny

Yeah

I

forgot

that

How

ironic

Then

there

was

the

ice

skater

 

 

Yeah

That's

amazingly

ironic

And

then

there

was

Sybil

the

um

 

It's

an

"A"

word

 

Exactly

Whose

moon

turned

out

to

be

in

someone

else's

house

Just

like

Gillian

 

 

 

 

Gillian

ran

off

with

Nanny

Maureen

You

got

it

It's

incredibly

ironic

 

That's

true

 

Well

who's

better

than

us

Father

and

son

together

at

last

Who

did

you

say

you

broke

up

with

Patricia

You

met

her

Would

I

like

her

Just

kidding

son

Now

is

this

beautiful

or

what

Of

course

I'll

be

living

out

of

a

suitcase

for

at

least

three

weeks

And

then

there's

the

inevitable

legal

hassle

More

of

your

inheritance

down

the

drain

 

Don't

worry

about

it

 

I

won't

I

just

have

to

meet

someone

new

That's

the

easy

part

Right

yeah

A

snap

to

find

the

one

person

in

the

world

who

fills

your

heart

with

joy

Don't

be

ridiculous

Have

I

ever

been

with

anybody

who

fit

that

description

Have

you

Who

is

it

It's

Joe

Fox

What

are

you

doing

here

 

May

I

please

come

up

 

No

I

don't

No

I

don't

really

think

that

that

is

a

good

idea

because

 

I

have

a

I

have

a

terrible

cold

 

 

I'm

sniffling

and

I'm

not

really

awake

I'm

taking

echinacea

and

vitamin

C

and

sleeping

practically

 

hours

a

day

I

have

a

temperature

And

I

think

I'm

contagious

So

I

would

I

would

really

appreciate

it

if

you'd

just

go

away

Kathleen

Just

a

second

Yes

just

a

second

 

 

What

are

you

doing

here

I

heard

you

were

sick

And

I

was

worried

And

I

wanted

to

make

sure

What

 

 

It's

the

Home

Shopping

Network

You

buy

any

of

those

little

porcelain

dolls

I

was

thinking

about

it

 

 

Yes

I

did

 

 

 

 

I

have

plenty

of

offers

I

got

offered

a

job

by

 

 

We

broke

up

That's

too

bad

You

were

so

perfect

for

each

other

I

don't

mean

to

say

things

like

that

No

matter

what

you've

done

there's

no

excuse

for

my

saying

that

Every

time

I

see

you

Things

like

that

just

fly

out

of

your

mouth

I

brought

you

flowers

Thank

you

Why

don't

I

just

put

these

in

some

water

You're

sick

You

should

sit

down

I

need

a

vase

Above

the

refrigerator

There

it

is

Obviously

George

says

hello

by

the

way

He

told

me

you

were

sick

How

is

George

Great

really

great

He's

revolutionizing

the

place

You

can't

work

in

his

department

unless

you

have

a

PhD

In

Children's

Literature

I

love

daisies

 

 

They're

so

friendly

Don't

you

think

daisies

are

the

friendliest

flower

I

do

When

did

you

break

up

Couple

of

weeks

ago

Everyone

is

breaking

up

You

Me

This

other

person

I

know

broke

up

with

someone

in

an

elevator

Or

after

it

or

just

outside

it

or

It

got

stuck

When

I

saw

you

at

the

coffee

place

I

was

waiting

for

him

And

I

was

Charming

I

was

not

charming

You

looked

charming

Tea

Yes

I

was

I

was

upset

and

horrible

 

 

I

was

the

horrible

one

Well

that's

true

But

I

have

no

excuse

I

see

what

you're

saying

That's

interesting

Whereas

I

am

a

horrible

person

therefore

I

have

no

choice

but

to

be

horrible

That's

what

you're

saying

But

that's

all

right

I

put

you

out

of

business

so

you're

entitled

to

hate

me

I

don't

hate

you

But

you'll

never

forgive

me

 

 

Elizabeth

Bennet

in

Pride

and

Prejudice

She

was

too

proud

I

thought

you

hated

Pride

and

Prejudice

Or

was

she

too

prejudiced

and

Mr

Darcy

is

too

proud

I

can't

remember

It

wasn't

personal

What

is

that

supposed

to

mean

I'm

so

sick

of

that

All

that

means

is

that

it

wasn't

personal

to

you

But

it

was

personal

to

me

It's

personal

to

a

lot

of

people

What

is

so

wrong

with

being

personal

anyway

Nothing

Whatever

else

anything

is

it

ought

to

begin

by

being

personal

My

head

is

starting

to

get

fuzzy

Why

did

you

stop

by

again

I

forget

I

wanted

to

be

your

friend

I

knew

it

wasn't

possible

Sometimes

a

guy

just

wants

the

impossible

Can

I

ask

you

a

question

What

What

happened

with

that

guy

at

the

cafй

Nothing

But

you're

crazy

about

him

Yes

I

am

Why

don't

you

run

off

with

him

What

are

you

waiting

for

I

don't

actually

know

him

Really

I

only

know

him

through

You

won't

believe

this

Let

me

guess

Through

the

Internet

Yes

You've

got

mail

Yes

Those

are

very

powerful

words

Yes

I'm

happy

for

him

Although

Could

I

just

make

a

suggestion

What

I

think

you

should

meet

him

No

wait

I

take

that

back

Why

would

you

meet

somebody

you're

crazy

about

I

hardly

think

I

need

to

take

advice

from

a

person

who

I

can

see

I

bring

out

the

worst

in

you

Let

me

help

you

to

not

say

something

you'll

torture

yourself

about

for

years

to

come

I

hope

you

feel

better

soon

It'd

be

a

shame

to

miss

New

York

in

the

spring

Thank

you

for

the

daisies

Well

you

take

care

I

will

Goodbye

Goodbye

I've

been

thinking

about

this

 

and

I

think

we

should

meet

We

should

meet

And

we

will

meet

But

I'm

in

the

middle

of

a

project

that

needs

 

tweaking

Some

tweaking

A

project

that

needed

"tweaking"

 

Yeah

that's

what

he

said

 

It

sounds

to

me

like

he's

married

Three

kids

That's

a

terrible

thing

to

say

He

couldn't

be

married

How

do

you

know

Have

you

said

"Are

you

married"

No

I'm

not

going

to

No

I

know

this

is

a

little

late

to

be

asking

but

 

are

you

married

Am

I

married

What

kind

of

question

is

that

How

can

you

ask

me

that

Don't

you

know

me

at

all

Wait

I

get

it

Your

friends

are

saying

the

reason

we

haven't

met

is

I'm

married

Am

I

right

 

So

he

didn't

answer

the

question

 

Yes

he

did

 

 

He

knew

what

I

was

after

which

is

by

the

way

exactly

like

him

He

did

not

answer

the

question

did

he

No

Maybe

he's

fat

He's

fat

He's

a

fatty

I

don't

care

You

don't

care

that

he's

so

fat

he

has

to

be

removed

from

his

house

by

a

crane

You

don't

care

That

is

very

unlikely

That

is

completely

ridiculous

What's

his

handle

I'm

not

going

to

write

him

You

think

I'm

going

to

email

him

All

right

NY

NY

 

He's

years

old

He's

had

moles

removed

so

now

he's

got

 

pockmarks

on

his

on

his

face

The

number

of

people

who

think

he

looks

like

Clark

Gable

 

people

who

think

he

looks

like

a

Clark

Bar

 

Why'd

I

even

tell

you

 

stitches

from

his

nose

job

The

number

of

his

souvenir

shot

glasses

that

he's

collected

in

his

travels

His

address

No

he

would

never

do

anything

that

prosaic

The

only

thing

I

really

care

about

is

that

aside

from

the

married

thing

and

the

jail

thing

is

the

boat

thing

What

boat

thing

I

could

never

be

with

someone

who

had

a

boat

I

have

a

boat

Which

clinches

it

We'll

never

be

together

 

 

 

 

I

could

never

be

with

someone

who

likes

Joni

Mitchell

It's

cloud's

illusions

I

recall

I

really

don't

know

clouds

at

all

What

does

that

mean

Is

she

a

pilot

It

must

be

a

metaphor

but

I

don't

know

what

it

is

How's

your

book

coming

There's

this

children's

book

editor

I

know

She's

excited

to

read

it

when

I'm

finished

Who

would

ever

have

thought

that

I

would

write

If

I

hadn't

had

all

this

time

 

 

The

truth

is

he

was

the

one

who

started

me

thinking

about

writing

Mr

Felony

Indictments

Mr

Insights

Into

My

Soul

Yeah

No

competing

with

that

I

keep

on

bumping

into

you

Hope

your

mango's

ripe

I

think

it

is

You

want

to

bump

into

me

on

Saturday

around

lunchtime

 

 

Good

How

about

meeting

 

Saturday

Four

o'clock

There's

a

place

in

Riverside

Park

at

st

Street

 

where

the

path

curves

and

there's

a

garden

Brinkley

and

I

will

be

waiting

Okay

let's

do

it

Ready

And

Doot

There

it

goes

 

 

I

know

In

Riverside

Park

That

would

mean

he's

a

Westsider

Maybe

I've

seen

him

and

don't

even

know

it

You

could

have

seen

him

every

day

and

not

know

it

It's

very

possible

 

 

And

those

flowers

are

for

you

 

 

Who's

that

The

Zipper

Man

Who

is

that

He

repairs

zippers

on

Amsterdam

Avenue

 

 

You'd

never

have

to

buy

new

luggage

The

timing

here

is

everything

He's

waited

until

you're

primed

See

Until

you

are

absolutely

convinced

that

there's

no

other

man

that

you

could

possibly

love

Yes

You

know

sometimes

I

wonder

What

If

I

hadn't

been

Fox

Books

and

you

hadn't

been

The

Shop

Around

the

Corner

and

you

and

I

had

just

met

 

 

I'd

have

asked

for

your

number

I

wouldn't

have

been

able

to

wait

 

hours

before

calling

you

and

saying:

"How

about

some

coffee

or

drinks

or

dinner

or

a

movie

for

as

long

as

we

both

shall

live"

Joe

You

and

I

would

never

have

been

at

war

The

only

thing

we'd

fight

about

would

be

which

video

to

rent

on

a

Saturday

night

Who

fights

about

that

Some

people

Not

us

We

would

never

If

only

How

can

you

forgive

this

guy

for

standing

you

up

and

not

forgive

me

for

this

tiny

little

thing

of

putting

you

out

of

business

How

I

wish

you

would

I

really

have

to

go

You

don't

want

to

be

late

Brinkley

Brinkley

Don't

cry

Shopgirl

Don't

cry

I

wanted

it

to

be

you

I

wanted

it

to

be

you

so

badly

 

Oh

my

god

don't

do

that

Don't

do

this

Yes

Don't

do

that

some

more

Tell

me

Or

I

won't

do

this

Okay

All

I

know

is

he's

in

DC

Buying

some

company

Don't

stop

No

I'm

stopping

Ryan

if

I

wanted

to

talk

business

I'd

have

sex

with

my

husband

Which

company

Hi

Donald

and

Veronica

can't

come

Veronica

It's

me

 

My

god

it's

Donald

 

Call

me

when

you

get

back

 

Hi

sweetie

 

Hey

baby

I

was

about

to

hang

up

Whatcha

doing

Uh

having

my

nails

done

I

wanted

to

tell

you

my

plane's

landing

in

an

hour

I'm

gonna

play

a

quick

 

 

then

we'll

go

to

dinner

okay

 

Listen

sweetie

I

gotta

run

My

manicurist

is

givin'

me

dirty

looks

 

I'll

see

you

tonight

 

All

right

talk

to

you

then

I

gotta

run

too

Why

We

have

all

afternoon

Donald's

playing

golf

I

know

I'm

playing

with

him

What

Let's

head

for

long

island

Beautiful

shot

 

yards

Right

at

the

flag

Keep

your

compliments

coming

and

your

balls

in

the

rough

I'll

do

my

worst

sir

Where'd

you

learn

to

swing

like

that

Business

school

How'd

things

go

in

DC

After

our

little

meeting

and

the

half

a

million

additional

shares

I

purchased

we

have

full

cooperation

from

the

Jasco

Pharmaceuticals

Board

Sir

that

much

stock'll

put

you

over

the

limit

Not

if

you

don't

buy

it

in

your

own

name

Sounds

like

simpson

publishing's

involved

in

a

merger

Watch

CNBC

tomorrow

morning

Cindy

what

do

you

say

we

get

drinks

tonight

Never

Great

raincheck

it

is

then

Ryan

turner's

on

line

one

Hey

gorgeous

Hey

honey

What

are

you

doing

You

in

about

eight

hours

Oh

Ryan

you

are

so

romantic

 

I

know

 

Yes

we

are

I'll

meet

you

there

at

:

And

wait

till

you

see

what

I

have

planned

for

dessert

Oooh

I'll

bring

the

cherry

 

I

wish

 

I

understand

the

possibility

of

breaking

a

nail

is

looming

over

every

word

but

your

deadline

is

now

Okay

Jeez

Why

does

everybody

want

something

from

me

You

write

an

advice

column

I

have

problems

too

you

know

Yes

I

know

I

mean

listen

to

this

letter

"Dear

Cindy

I

want

to

go

back

to

school

but

my

husband

is

against

it

What

should

I

do"

I

mean

this

woman

is

such

a

mess

So

what

did

you

tell

her

"Why

do

you

need

school

You

have

a

husband

If

you

want

to

feel

better

about

yourself

do

charity

work

Go

build

hairdo's

for

the

homeless

better

yet

go

get

your

own

hair

done"

This

woman

pours

her

heart

out

to

you

and

you

give

her

beauty

tips

What's

wrong

here

I

haven't

given

you

any

Cindy

this

is

a

quality

newspaper

Page

we're

not

friends

so

I

can

be

honest

with

you

My

grandmother's

legs

had

better

circulation

than

this

"quality"

newspaper

no

one

even

buys

it

Then

I

would

be

happy

to

buy

out

your

contract

I

wish

But

we

both

know

you're

flat

broke

So

you'll

just

have

to

let

me

do

what

I

do

With

the

style

grace

and

femininity

I

do

it

with

I

love

it

when

you

sing

honey

it

really

turns

me

on

Really

ha

ha

where

do

you

want

to

go

shopping

Whoa

We're

walking

here

Huh

She's

just

like

my

therapist

Turning

everything

around

making

it

seem

like

 

I'm

the

one

with

the

problem

 

Then

quit

You

said

nobody

reads

your

column

anyways

I

can't

just

quit

It's

not

like

I

have

a

husband

to

take

care

of

me

So

what's

with

the

champagne

I

got

information

from

donald

simpson

about

a

merger

It'll

make

my

clients

and

me

a

fortune

If

Simpson

told

you

isn't

that

illegal

No

Donald

would

never

risk

an

SEC

violation

I

overheard

him

and

his

lawyers

This

is

the

opportunity

of

a

lifetime

I'm

even

margining

my

own

portfolio

 

It's

buying

on

credit

 

They

don't

even

give

you

a

card

 

 

Simpson

himself

bought

stock

in

his

wife's

maiden

name

 

 

They're

developing

some

antiaging

drug

When

it

hits

the

shelves

the

stock

could

jump

%

You

could

still

get

in

Nnnn

Nnnno

Forget

it

We'll

handle

antiaging

the

old

fashioned

way

Surgery

Right

honey

Yeah

Whatever

A

toast

Come

on

To

Kathy's

new

ass

Barry's

successful

practice

and

Ryan

becoming

a

rich

partner

so

we

can

enjoy

the

life

we

deserve

and

more

And

more

And

more

and

more

I

gotta

go

Where

are

you

going

Come

back

here

Ryan

I

love

you

I

know

But

I've

got

to

go

to

work

It's

:

am

I've

got

to

call

tokyo

before

they

close

Feel

free

to

sleep

in

Sleep

in

How

about

I

move

in

I'm

serious

We'd

get

to

see

so

much

more

of

each

other

I'm

ready

to

have

a

doorman

in

my

life

I

like

the

way

things

are

What

would

you

say

if

I

told

you

I'd

leave

you

if

you

didn't

let

me

I'd

say

you

were

lying

Oh

really

See

Ryan

you

know

me

so

well

We

belong

together

We

are

together

Walt

Good

morning

Mr

Turner

You're

a

doorman

walt

How

good

could

it

possibly

be

Thank

you

sir

Yo

bud

You

got

a

dollar

Yeah

millions

of

them

Me

too

Hi

Ryan

Turnersan

Good

to

hear

from

you

again

Asahi

Hakashirosan

I

have

got

a

very

lucrative

investment

you

need

to

jump

on

immediately

You

gonna

give

bowie

that

tidbit

as

well

Michael

you

know

you're

my

favorite

client

Bowie's

only

my

favorite

client

when

I'm

on

the

phone

with

him

Well

he

does

sell

more

records

than

me

doesn't

he

Ryan

Therefore

I

want

to

have

one

more

share

than

him

Okay

man

 

 

Thank

you

Ryan

Jasco

will

be

up

at

least

points

before

noon

How

in

the

hell

could

you

know

that

I

can't

tell

you

how

I

know

Mrs

Ellis

is

on

line

two

Hello

Marlene

I

want

Jasco

good

choice

Excellent

choice

 

Don't

thank

me

now

 

But

I

want

to

If

you're

on

this

side

of

the

world

let's

get

together

 

It's

a

date

 

Are

you

in

or

out

All

right

put

me

down

for

shares

market

price

You

folks

at

beacon

trade

never

let

me

down

before

Done

Rumors

of

a

merger

fueled

an

early

morning

explosion

of

Jasco

Pharmaceutical

Stock

but

now

trading

has

been

halted

because

a

news

conference

has

been

called

Yes

yes

No

I

don't

know

why

he

would

have

done

that

I'm

going

to

look

into

it

I'm

on

top

of

that

okay

Thank

you

for

calling

Morning

sir

Coffee

About

five

hours

ago

File

these

buy

orders

and

get

my

phone

sheet

please

Ted

wants

to

see

you

You

have

the

audacity

to

call

amir

my

client

at

:

am

Carl

while

you

were

sleeping

at

:

am

In

your

moderately

attractive

suburban

home

with

your

moderately

attractive

suburban

wife

assuring

that

my

future

would

look

nothing

like

yours

And

by

the

way

it

was

afternoon

in

Kuwait

Very

impressive

numbers

this

month

Ryan

Thank

you

sir

Wait

till

you

see

the

deal

I'm

working

on

now

You

keep

this

up

and

I

can

see

a

partnership

I

guess

we

have

the

same

vision

Excuse

me

Ryan

Donald

Simpson's

holding

a

press

conference

Yes

Watch

this

sir

This

day

is

going

to

change

my

life

Jasco

was

riding

a

tide

of

speculation

but

the

press

conference

that

just

wrapped

up

turned

out

to

be

less

than

positive

So

in

the

final

analysis

we

concluded

that

the

merger

was

not

to

our

fiscal

advantage

Simpson

publishing

has

voted

to

focus

on

our

core

interest

which

is

the

newspaper

business

What

What

With

trading

halted

Jasco

pharmaceuticals

announced

stunning

news

that

it

has

defaulted

on

interest

payments

on

its

debt

and

will

file

for

bankruptcy

It's

stock

is

expected

to

plummet

when

trading

resumes

You

were

right

Turner

Jasco

stocks

were

gonna

explode

Kaboom

Sir

sir

you're

not

allowed

in

there

You're

not

allowed

in

there

What

the

hell's

going

on

Turner

what

are

you

doing

Yesterday

you

said

you

were

acquiring

Jasco

Oh

Ryan

Ryan

Oh

my

god

You

didn't

use

that

inside

information

did

you

Yes

I

did

 

 

Client's

money

My

own

Ohhh

Tsk

tsk

tsk

Ryan

Ryan

You

screwed

my

wife

I

screwed

you

back

You

would

undermine

your

own

merger

just

for

retribution

Are

you

insane

There's

no

stronger

motivation

than

money

or

revenge

I

already

have

money

Have

a

good

day

We

just

lost

half

of

our

top

clients

Ryan

Why

the

hell

did

you

do

this

I

was

set

up

It

was

false

information

The

SEC

called

You

think

they

give

a

shit

about

the

fact

that

you

were

set

up

 

 

We

just

lost

$

million

of

our

clients'

money

For

what

A

tip

My

source

was

Donald

Simpson

himself

Oh

great

Well

I

guess

you

can

ask

him

for

a

job

No

wait

wait

wait

It's

the

fucking

SEC

If

we

keep

you

on

it's

going

to

look

like

we

condone

insider

trading

I'm

sorry

Don't

Don't

do

this

please

I

margined

my

own

account

Aww

Well

I

guess

you

made

two

stupid

mistakes

then

I

can't

believe

this

is

happening

to

me

Okay

okay

this

changes

my

plans

completely

But

I'm

an

adapter

I

can

make

myself

believe

that

this

is

worse

for

you

than

it

is

for

me

I

just

have

to

keep

reminding

myself

that

you

are

Ryan

Turner

Oh

And

honey

if

anyone

can

bounce

back

from

this

you

can

Right

 

 

That's

all

right

 

 

I

guess

you

heard

I

left

beacon

trading

Everybody's

heard

I

have

admired

your

firm

for

quite

awhile

I

figured

now

would

be

a

great

time

to

join

forces

Unfortunately

we're

downsizing

Jim

six

months

ago

you

were

begging

me

 

now

I'm

 

I'm

sorry

Ryan

It's

I

just

I

can't

help

you

Nancy

hi

Ryan

I've

been

calling

you

for

days

Yeah

uh

I've

been

very

busy

It's

been

totally

I

got

your

messages

There's

gotta

be

something

you

can

do

Look

Ryan

I

made

some

calls

Looks

like

they

might

be

investigating

you

Ryan

Edward

Turner

while

this

commission

finds

insufficient

evidence

for

indictment

your

conduct

leaves

us

no

alternative

but

to

revoke

your

broker's

license

This

one

was

declined

too

Try

this

one

I'm

gonna

have

to

keep

this

one

But

we

accept

food

stamps

You're

jeopardizing

your

economic

future

Ryan

Patrick

I

don't

really

give

a

shit

about

my

future

I'm

gonna

cash

in

my

retirement

fund

You're

gonna

pay

a

hell

of

a

penalty

Just

do

it

This

is

for

the

 

we

agreed

on

If

you

could

just

sign

Here

Great

Good

We'll

have

everything

out

by

:

Mr

Turner

I

am

so

sorry

that

you've

been

evicted

from

 

Thanks

Paul

When

I

said

I

wanted

us

to

live

together

I

meant

at

your

place

Ryan

you

haven't

moved

in

a

week

Let's

go

out

We're

lmng

together

We're

well

past

the

going

out

stage

Fine

I'm

going

out

with

cathy

then

What's

going

on

I'll

put

this

delicately

You're

a

loser

and

I'm

leaving

you

Things

will

get

better

I'm

tired

of

watching

other

people

enjoy

the

life

I

was

supposed

to

have

My

life

is

flying

by

Do

you

see

a

rock

on

my

finger

I

get

it

Who

is

he

He

Oh

you

think

this

is

about

someone

else

Honey

this

isn't

about

someone

else

This

is

about

you

His

name

is

Francisco

and

he

owns

a

diamond

mine

in

Brazil

When

did

you

meet

this

guy

Mm

tuesday

but

he

loves

me

So

you're

just

gmng

up

on

us

If

god

wanted

me

to

marry

poor

he

would

have

made

me

homely

What

about

your

job

What

about

your

column

Oh

I'm

done

with

everything

here

I'm

jetting

off

with

Franchesco

 

 

Yeah

him

By

the

way

the

rent's

due

That's

a

zipkin

isn't

it

I

don't

know

what

you're

talking

about

Yeah

Dr

Lou

Zipkin

Madison

avenue

Who

told

you

Call

me

I

can

fix

it

Ass

I

can

fix

that

too

Ryan

sorry

I'm

late

I

had

to

do

a

lipoinjection

on

an

anorexic

woman

Now

she

wants

to

be

the

fat

lady

at

the

circus

Cindy

left

me

No

I

didn't

see

that

coming

 

 

 

She's

a

bitch

 

She

left

me

for

some

brazilian

guy

And

after

all

that

work

I

did

on

her

We

can

build

you

a

new

one

It's

not

just

her

My

whole

life

is

a

mess

I

could

kill

myself

but

I'd

probably

go

to

hell

and

that

would

be

redundant

You'd

be

among

friends

Yeah

friends

Nobody

likes

me

Barry

Come

on

nobody

is

overstating

it

Was

I

that

big

an

asshole

I

wouldn't

say

big

Huge

Gigantic

Paul

Bunyan

comes

to

mind

All

right

I

get

it

Let

me

have

a

beer

Get

him

a

beer

Yeah

Is

Cindy

there

 

Who's

this

 

Who's

this

You're

calling

me

This

is

Page

Hensen

her

publisher

from

the

"Journal"

who's

this

This

is

Ryan

Turner

her

boyfriend

 

 

Well

she

left

a

confusing

message

something

about

moving

to

Brazil

Can

you

tell

me

whether

she's

coming

to

work

or

whether

I

can

take

her

off

payroll

Payroll

Payroll

I

don't

have

to

pay

her

if

she

doesn't

work

That's

the

way

we

do

things

in

this

country

It's

progressive

don't

you

think

Apparently

you

misunderstood

Cindy's

message

What

she

was

trying

to

say

was

she's

not

moving

to

Brazil

In

fact

she's

hardly

moving

at

all

She's

sick

Brazilian

flu

Brazilian

flu

Put

her

on

the

phone

I

can't

She

has

laryngitis

Her

doctor

ordered

total

voice

rest

Her

doctor

What's

his

name

Ah

Dr

Barry

Sherman

Perhaps

she

should

take

an

extended

leave

No

Cindy

wants

to

do

the

column

from

bed

She

shouldn't

be

without

an

income

when

she's

this

sick

should

she

Fine

I

guess

I

have

no

choice

I'll

send

her

letters

over

No

She's

contagious

I'll

come

pick

them

up

She's

contagious

and

he's

coming

here

Oh

boy

Chelsea

journal

Sure

hang

on

one

second

I'm

looking

for

page

hensen

And

I'm

looking

for

a

man

who

appreciates

the

sight

of

a

yearold

woman

in

a

bubble

bath

I

see

Is

she

available

Business

or

pleasure

Business

Serious

or

monkey

None

of

your

Just

tell

her

Ryan

Turner

is

here

Cindy's

friend

The

boyfriend's

here

Hi

I'm

Page

Hensen

Hi

Ryan

Turner

Coffee

 

 

It's

over

there

Let

me

say

up

front

that

I

am

not

at

all

comfortable

with

Cindy

working

from

home

I

like

to

do

things

a

certain

way

around

here

What

way

is

that

Around

here

Where

I

can

control

them

Are

you

telling

me

you've

ever

controlled

Cindy

Well

you're

not

wrong

Which

makes

me

right

Other

than

brilliant

it's

my

favorite

thing

to

be

That

was

a

joke

If

you

want

levity

Mr

Turner

I

can

squeeze

you

in

around

:

pm

a

week

from

thursday

Cindy

knows

her

deadline

Have

a

nice

day

Cindy's

deadline

is

:

pm

Thank

you

But

I'm

openended

This

the

mail

room

Uh

duh

I'm

here

to

pick

up

all

the

letters

from

the

"Dear

Cindy"

column

All

the

letters

That's

what

I

said

Okay

I'll

get

you

all

the

letters

All

the

letters

"Dear

cindy

I

have

a

small

moustache

but

waxing

is

painful

and

I

can't

afford

laser

removal

Do

men

really

mind

this

Signed

hair

lip"

"Dear

Adolf

the

only

handlebar

a

man

wants

to

hold

is

on

a

harley

If

a

guy

wants

to

munch

hair

he

knows

where

to

find

it"

Damn

That's

good

advice

"Dear

Cindy

I'm

planning

my

wedding

but

when

I

try

to

get

opinions

about

color

schemes

my

fiance

doesn't

seem

to

care

Does

that

mean

that

he

really

doesn't

want

to

get

married

Signed

the

wedding

Zinger"

"Dear

Zinger

while

you're

looking

at

wedding

color

schemes"

"he's

out

looking

at

all

the

ass

he's

never

gonna

touch

again

Just

make

the

color

scheme

black

'cause

it's

the

darkest

day

of

his

life"

these

sound

like

these

were

written

by

some

shallow

callous

antifeminist

May

be

you

should

read

them

again

Apparently

Cindy's

ailment

hasn't

heightened

her

sensitmty

Perhaps

you're

incapable

of

seeing

the

insight

and

profundity

of

her

writing

Are

you

implying

I

don't

know

how

to

do

my

job

How

successful

is

your

little

paper

anyway

 

You're

right

 

Perhaps

we

would

be

more

successful

without

this

column

Cancelled

Wait

a

minute

You

can't

do

that

Can

Have

See

the

name

plate

 

 

Whatever

it

is

Mr

Turner

I

suggest

you

save

it

for

a

larger

more

attentive

crowd

Fine

fine

You

don't

deserve

my

girlfriend's

brilliant

mind

Do

you

believe

him

He

is

he

has

some

ass

Nerve

Wait

a

sec

Let

me

get

this

straight

while

I'm

sober

 

You

took

over

Cindy's

 

Shh

You

took

over

column

You

can't

tell

a

soul

Or

Cathy

And

the

newspaper

bought

it

Well

not

exactly

This

so

called

publisher

called

me

Cindy

shallow

callous

insensitive

then

she

fired

Cindy

me

us

Oh

so

you're

still

out

of

work

Oh

no

I'm

not

finished

I

found

Cindy's

contract

and

she's

not

taking

this

lying

down

sick

as

she

is

Well

that

Cindy's

got

balls

She

does

now

Couldn't

keep

away

could

you

Must

be

that

bad

girl

vibe

I

give

off

pheromones

and

poligrip

Enticing

but

I'm

here

to

see

Ms

Hensen

She

told

me

to

send

you

away

if

you

ever

showed

up

again

So

if

you

want

to

get

to

her

you

have

to

go

through

me

and

I

can

map

out

a

very

direct

route

How

about

a

compromise

I'll

pinch

your

butt

as

we

walk

That's

sexual

harassment

 

That's

foreplay

 

All

right

No

wait

Stop

No

you

can't

I

tried

to

stop

him

Iris

out

Turner

follow

I

came

to

give

you

one

more

chance

Oh

This

sounds

good

Cindy

is

devastated

that

you

would

take

advantage

of

her

disability

as

a

pretense

to

breach

her

contract

You're

not

serious

Please

leave

I'm

sorry

That

didn't

come

out

right

Leave

I

recommend

you

reconsider

before

her

damages

increase

Damages

Cindy's

pain

and

suffering

Mr

turner

you're

on

my

turf

and

I

know

publishing

Cindy

wrote

about

munching

hair

and

getting

ass

She's

the

one

in

breach

not

me

If

you

want

to

take

me

on

legally

I'm

ready

for

a

fight

Is

Cindy

No

Iris

help

Oh

what's

this

piece

of

paper

falling

to

the

floor

with

a

home

address

on

it

Thank

you

She

likes

roses

I

like

tulips

Shit

Go

away

Mr

Turner

I

can't

do

that

It's

easy

Just

pretend

you're

walking

in

except

go

the

other

way

Just

give

me

two

minutes

I'm

entertaining

No

you're

not

I'll

call

the

police

No

you

won't

This

is

my

home

Mr

Turner

I

don't

mix

business

and

pleasure

I

don't

think

you

mix

pleasure

and

pleasure

You

are

way

out

of

line

Just

give

me

two

minutes

and

I

promise

I'll

never

bother

you

again

I

came

to

apologize

Two

minutes

And

the

tock

is

clicking

Entertaining

huh

Nice

place

I'm

sure

you

came

with

a

point

I

can't

go

back

to

cindy

and

tell

her

she

lost

her

column

I

see

where

will

you

be

going

then

Cindy

is

very

sick

Please

have

a

little

empathy

Empathy

Every

cent

I

could

beg

and

borrow

went

into

my

paper

Cindy's

column

has

never

really

fit

in

with

my

vision

She

lacks

warmth

insight

and

most

important

sensitmty

People

change

People's

lives

change

People

I'm

not

so

sure

about

Things

happen

that

change

people

Give

her

one

more

chance

As

a

favor

to

me

And

what

do

I

owe

you

When

was

the

last

time

you

put

on

lipstick

at

this

hour

I'm

not

wearing

lipstick

Yes

you

are

I

might

be

going

out

later

No

you're

not

If

I

put

my

makeup

on

at

night

it

saves

me

minutes

in

the

morning

Time's

up

Okay

Hey

One

more

chance

See

you

do

have

a

soft

spot

And

right

now

I'm

starting

to

think

someone

dropped

me

on

it

#ЗНАЧ

 

Now

remember

you've

got

to

reach

down

way

past

that

cynicism

Dear

Cindy

past

those

hardened

layers

of

egomaniacal

selfabsorption

Dear

Cindy

you're

a

girl

 

 

I'm

saying

be

sensitive

"Dear

Cindy

my

ex

and

I

broke

up

but

I

still

can't

stop

thinking

about

him

Is

four

months

too

much

time

to

grieve

my

lost

love

Signed

not

a

mourning

person"

oh

good

a

neurotic

one

Now

you

being

a

sensitive

woman

say

"Four

days

is

too

much

time

The

best

way

to

get

over

a

man

is

to

get

under

a

new

one"

No

you

can't

say

that

I

just

did

 

It's

not

sensitive

 

No

say

"He

probably

left

you

'cause

your

ass

got

too

big"

Say

that

then

tell

her

I

can

fix

it

put

in

my

name

and

office

number

 

This

isn't

about

you

 

Well

it

could

be

And

I'll

give

you

a

finder's

fee

Barry

no

Fine

read

the

next

one

"Dear

Cindy

I

caught

my

husband

cheating"

probably

due

to

a

falling

backside

gravity

hits

he

loses

interest

It's

sad

really

Tell

her

I

can

fix

it

Put

in

my

name

and

office

number

Barry

no

You're

losing

a

lot

of

money

you

could

use

This

goes

on

"I

caught

my

husband

cheating

but

that's

not

the

worst

of

it

The

woman

is

not

half

as

attractive

as

me

Am

I

wrong

for

feeling

twice

as

hurt"

What

would

a

woman

say

Oh

Oh

god

not

Cathy

Ohmmmm

Ohm

Ohmmgonna

get

that

Hello

 

Hi

honey

Listen

I

just

need

to

ask

you

a

hypothetical

question

 

Not

now

I'm

practicing

yoga

 

No

it'll

just

take

a

second

Say

a

man

is

cheating

with

a

woman

that's

not

half

as

attractive

as

his

wife

should

the

wife

be

upset

that

the

other

woman

is

ugly

All

right

you

sonofabitch

who

the

hell

is

she

What

No

no

You

couldn't

be

man

enough

to

tell

me

in

person

 

Honey

honey

 

I'm

sorry

proceed

Wait

it's

that

bitch

receptionist

with

the

hairy

cleavage

 

 

I

knew

it

You

cheatin'

bastard

I'll

be

off

in

a

sec

I'm

calling

a

lawyer

Cathy

honey

relax

 

I'm

not

cheating

 

What

I

swear

I

would

never

Oh

Well

then

I

say

he

deserves

to

get

stuck

with

the

ugly

one

I

gotta

go

honey

Love

ya

bye

What

Somebody

want

to

use

the

phone

That's

a

good

point

What

did

she

say

Hmm

Oh

that

if

the

husband's

cheating

he

deserves

to

end

up

with

the

ugly

one

She

may

be

onto

something

"They

say

dogs

are

a

man's

best

friend

Your

man

found

a

real

barker

But

remember

when

you

lie

down

with

dogs"

"you

wake

up

with

fleas

But

when

you

lie

down

with

ugly

dogs

you

wake

up

alone

because

even

the

fleas

don't

want

you"

I

have

to

admit

they're

better

Better

Then

that's

good

right

I

don't

know

what

you

said

to

her

I

told

her

she's

not

the

only

one

who's

suffering

Don't

get

me

wrong

I

still

think

she

has

a

long

way

to

go

But

you'll

print

these

And

pay

for

'em

I

guess

so

Cindy

is

gonna

die

when

I

tell

her

Do

I

detect

humor

Slips

out

now

and

then

She

likes

the

column

I

told

you

But

Ryan

dear

do

yourself

a

favor

misspell

a

word

now

and

then

Cindy

always

did

How

did

you

know

Sure

gorgeous

therefore

stupid

Why

am

I

always

a

stereotype

Why

didn't

you

tell

page

I

have

a

feeling

about

you

One

more

word

of

advice

though

This

isn't

a

game

People

might

actually

read

this

drivel

Some

folks

have

nowhere

else

to

turn

So

if

you're

gonna

do

it

do

it

for

real

Don't

be

a

man

be

human

How

much

can

this

really

hurt

Ow

Ow

"Dear

hair

lip

if

a

man

has

a

problem

with

your

facial

hair

strap

him

down

rip

off

his

:

shadow

with

hot

wax

and

ask

him

if

any

woman

is

worth

that

twice

a

week"

Excuse

me

You

forgot

your

bag

Oh

thank

you

Thank

you

so

much

You're

welcome

You

flirted

with

him

Can

I

help

it

if

they

still

look

at

me

 

Women

look

at

me

you

know

 

Why

do

you

think

I'm

still

with

you

Ack

Listen

to

this

one

"Dear

Cindy

I'm

in

a

monogamous

relationship

with

a

great

guy

It's

just

that

sometimes

I

get

the

urge

to

stray"

"maybe

the

stability

bores

me

or

I

just

crave

the

excitement

of

sex

with

someone

new

Help

I'm

confused"

and

then

this

Cindy

woman

writes

back

"Dear

confused

although

multiple

partners

can

be

exciting

you

have

to

think

of

them

as

you

would

a

snowstorm"

"you

never

really

know

when

they

will

come

how

long

they

will

last

or

how

many

inches

you

will

get"

"stick

to

what

you

already

have

It's

so

much

nicer

to

watch

the

storm

pass

cuddling

with

someone

who

loves

you"

I

feel

so

lonely

Circulation's

up

%

Thank

you

Apparently

people

are

How

do

I

say

this

They're

reading

it

That's

always

good

with

a

newspaper

honey

Excuse

me

 

Oh

 

Someone's

excited

to

see

me

Hell

that

always

happens

when

I

wear

a

rayon

blouse

with

no

bra

Color

me

embarrassed

I

am

very

pleased

with

cindy's

performance

I

guess

this

illness

has

had

a

profound

effect

on

her

after

all

 

 

Anyway

I

have

something

for

you

It's

the

first

paycheck

that

Cindy

actually

deserves

Forgot

all

about

that

That's

great

You

look

nice

today

Thank

you

But

may

I

remind

you

you've

been

around

a

sick

woman

No

you

have

a

definite

glow

If

you're

not

taking

him

I

will

Iris

what

are

you

babbling

about

He

obviously

wants

one

of

us

He

has

a

girlfriend

What

the

hell

She'll

be

dead

soon

anyway

Dude

I

am

so

not

happy

with

the

direction

this

seems

to

be

going

Dude

get

over

it

All

right

where

the

hell

is

she

Cindy

She's

not

here

Every

time

I

call

here

you

tell

me

she

can't

talk

When

I

call

at

the

office

they

tell

me

she's

working

at

home

She's

talking

to

someone

somewhere

and

it's

not

me

and

it's

not

here

What

the

hell

is

going

on

All

right

you

want

the

truth

Cathy

Fine

Cindy

went

away

for

awhile

on

personal

business

 

 

Her

column

is

still

being

printed

She's

emailing

it

You're

lying

And

I'm

not

leaving

until

I

get

some

answers

Okay

You

want

the

real

truth

Cindy's

pregnant

What

Oh

my

god

Her

ass

is

gonna

get

so

fat

Why

didn't

she

tell

me

Wait

that

is

something

she

would

tell

me

But

It's

not

my

baby

Oh

my

god

It

was

gunther

her

trainer

I

told

her

to

put

an

end

to

it

Oops

Oh

Ryan

you

must

be

devastated

even

more

so

now

When

you

talk

to

Cindy

tell

her

barry

can

help

with

the

stretch

marks

And

if

you

need

anything

don't

hesitate

to

call

Like

you

have

in

the

past

"Dear

Cindy

I've

recently

been

introduced

to

your

column

I

don't

have

many

people

to

talk

to

so

I

thought

well

here

goes

My

son

has

the

aids

I

never

approved

of

his

lifestyle

and

was

always

honest

about

it

Now

I

live

in

shame

and

have

been

telling

people

he

has

cancer

I

know

most

of

your

stuff

is

about

broken

hearts

and

romance

but

why

can't

I

move

past

this

I

don't

have

a

lot

of

time

to

find

an

answer

here

Please

help

me"

"I

don't

have

a

lot

of

time

to

find

an

answer

please

help

me"

You

can't

give

one

of

your

clever

answers

on

this

one

This

is

serious

I

don't

know

what

to

do

I'm

in

way

over

my

head

I'm

getting

out

while

I

still

can

All

right

Ryan

Hey

listen

if

you

want

to

quit

I

don't

blame

you

When

I

was

starting

out

this

doctor

asked

me

to

consult

on

this

burn

victim

I

go

in

the

room

This

guy's

got

third

degree

burns

on

%

of

his

body

He

was

in

so

much

pain

It

it

was

horrifying

And

I

look

at

the

guy

and

I

was

I

was

scared

shitless

all

right

So

I

ran

out

of

there

And

then

I

was

embarrassed

I

didn't

know

what

to

do

So

I

called

a

friend

of

mine

told

him

what

happened

You

know

what

he

said

He

goes

"Hey

you're

scared

How

do

you

think

that

burn

victim

feels"

Smart

friend

Yes

you

were

Thanks

Barry

"It

is

not

how

your

son

dies

but

rather

how

he

lived

He

may

not

agree

with

all

your

life

choices

either

but

I'll

bet

he

loves

you

Don't

be

angry

at

yourself

for

feeling

shame

be

angry

at

the

people

who

instill

shame

in

you

Let

go

of

your

prejudice

and

grab

hold

of

your

son

You'll

have

plenty

of

time

after

he's

gone

for

anger"

"Dear

cindy

I'm

losing

my

hair

and

I'm

losing

my

confidence

with

women

Am

I

just

being

paranoid"

"Trust

me

A

lot

of

women

know

your

hair

loss

is

caused

by

an

oversupply

of

male

hormones

Remember

this

thought

the

more

hair

you

lose

the

more

head

you

get"

Hello

Cathy

Okay

relax

Take

a

breath

 

Channel

Turn

it

on

turn

it

on

 

causing

quite

a

buzz

in

the

tristate

area

is

advice

columnist

Cindy

Styne

who

has

a

rather

unorthodox

approach

and

unique

perspective

to

say

the

least

For

example

a

woman

writes

in

she's

having

no

luck

finding

the

perfect

caring

guy

So

Cindy

advises

"The

problem

isn't

finding

a

boyfriend

who

is

perfect

gentle

and

caring

The

problem

is

guys

like

that

already

have

boyfriends"

"New

York

"

is

hoping

to

get

an

exclusive

with

her

I

may

have

to

get

her

exclusively

too

Get

me

an

address

on

Cindy

Styne

Page

we're

going

to

make

payroll

 

You're

kidding

 

I'm

not

kidding

 

So

don't

take

out

that

second

mortgage

 

Hey

if

you're

lucky

you

may

even

be

able

to

cash

your

own

paycheck

 

That's

fantastic

 

Please

don't

tell

anybody

about

this

okay

Otherwise

there's

a

freeforall

on

the

office

supplies

 

 

Did

you

see

it

on

tv

Yes

along

with

half

a

million

other

women

in

the

city

And

to

think

you

were

going

to

cancel

the

column

I'm

the

first

to

admit

when

I'm

wrong

Great

go

ahead

 

 

The

admission

was

inherent

in

what

I

said

Still

won't

it

make

you

feel

better

to

actually

say

it

No

but

if

it

would

make

you

fell

better

I

was

wrong

Happy

Let's

not

point

fingers

Mr

turner

I

was

already

going

to

renew

Cindy's

contract

I

don't

know

What

don't

you

know

Circulation

is

up

%

Cindy

may

have

some

stipulations

before

she

resigns

What

kind

of

stipulations

You

know

Cindy

I

could

talk

to

her

I

do

have

some

influence

Perhaps

we

could

discuss

her

demands

over

dinner

 

 

No

I

can't

tonight

I

have

to

review

a

performance

artist

What

about

drinks

beforehand

Fine

:

at

the

park

grant

I'll

see

you

there

The

sexy

turquoise

one

with

the

spaghetti

straps

honey

No

I

was

looking

for

today's

galleys

Right

there

on

your

desk

I

see

Thank

you

Not

the

navy

suit

Hello

What

can

I

get

you

Cosmopolitan

please

Before

you

make

any

demands

just

remember

Cindy's

column

was

close

to

extinction

a

few

weeks

ago

You

look

incredible

I'm

ready

to

listen

and

I'm

open

to

compromise

but

please

keep

in

mind

her

recent

success

was

partly

fueled

by

my

patience

and

leniency

When

was

the

last

time

you

were

on

a

date

Of

course

I

do

intend

to

play

hardball

With

a

man

that

thought

you

were

beautiful

Business

is

business

A

date

that

kept

you

up

all

night

thinking

about

it

This

is

a

business

meeting

And

I've

given

up

dating

Oh

given

up

Sounds

like

you've

been

hurt

pretty

badly

That

bad

huh

I

was

involved

with

someone

As

it

turns

out

I

wanted

one

man

to

fulfill

my

every

need

he

wanted

every

woman

to

fulfill

his

one

His

wife

kicked

him

out

too

Now

about

this

contract

So

clearly

you

know

what

you

don't

want

in

a

man

What

do

you

want

Someone

who

can

concentrate

 

 

What

every

woman

wants

Someone

warm

Someone

sensitive

Someone

who'll

cry

when

I

smack

him

Really

What

do

you

want

in

a

man

Someone

who's

not

deceitful

This

contract

Sorry

Right

Okay

I

think

a

%

increase

in

salary

is

fair

For

a

transit

worker

%

of

the

profit

increase

move

the

column

to

page

four

I

see

you

came

prepared

 

 

What

is

it

exactly

that

you

want

in

a

woman

Cindy

for

example

Maybe

%

is

a

little

high

Clearly

even

you

have

expectations

Front

page

billing

and

%

of

the

profit

increase

What

does

she

do

to

deserve

this

kind

of

loyalty

Cindy

changed

my

life

without

even

knowing

it

Did

she

Her

terms

seem

fair

I'll

have

my

attorney

draw

up

papers

That's

it

Do

your

business

and

leave

I

feel

so

cheap

I

told

you

I

was

reviewing

a

performance

artist

tonight

I

could

walk

you

to

a

cab

Or

you

know

tag

along

I'm

not

so

sure

you

would

enjoy

this

It's

very

progressive

You

don't

think

I'd

fit

in

with

the

elitist

highbrow

artsy

fartsy

downtown

scene

I

can

be

as

progressive

as

the

next

guy

Okay

come

on

What

is

"projected

pastels"

You'll

see

Okay

maybe

not

as

progressive

as

the

next

guy

The

artist

inserts

the

hose

and

fills

himself

with

paint

You're

kidding

You're

not

kidding

Now

he'll

projectile

release

the

paint

onto

the

canvas

Whatever

happened

to

brushes

He

calls

it

"Enemart"

It

represents

the

waste

of

his

life

being

released

from

the

bowels

of

his

being

Do

you

find

this

offensive

No

what

about

this

could

possibly

be

offensive

I'm

so

sorry

Just

because

I

got

a

little

paint

in

the

face

from

a

man's

ass

But

it

was

a

well

respected

ass

You

should

have

seen

your

expression

It

was

actually

kind

of

cute

You

think

so

I

cannot

believe

you

did

that

Hey

dude

Blow

me

Hello

Could

you

cash

your

paycheck

please

so

I

can

balance

my

books

for

once

Then

what

am

I

going

to

put

under

my

coffee

cup

Steven

Iris

you're

killing

me

I

just

want

to

let

you

know

that

Then

suffer

in

silence

Steven

Uhoh

She

doesn't

want

to

see

you

right

now

 

 

She

implied

it

when

she

said

she

doesn't

want

to

see

you

right

now

Have

you

seen

the

amount

of

mail

for

Cindy

You

and

I

both

know

it's

because

of

me

Now

I

want

to

see

page

and

I

won't

be

told

no

No

Page

What's

going

on

I

no

longer

have

a

problem

with

Cindy's

column

so

you

can

deliver

it

to

Iris

This

is

about

you

kissing

me

last

night

Me

You

I

did

not

It

sure

tasted

like

you

You

leaned

in

and

I

lost

my

balance

And

fell

onto

my

face

It

was

an

unfortunate

accident

I

know

Don't

you

just

hate

it

when

two

people

accidentally

connect

Page

what

is

going

on

Well

let's

see

You're

in

a

relationship

that's

infidelity

 

Actually

I

came

to

tell

you

 

I'm

not

finished

Your

significant

other

works

for

me

that's

unethical

She's

become

my

biggest

asset

that's

plain

fact

If

you'd

cheat

on

her

you'd

cheat

on

me

that's

common

sense

And

I

want

you

to

leave

this

office

that's

about

it

No

it's

not

there's

something

that

I

have

to

tell

 

I

don't

want

to

hear

it

 

Stop

interrupting

me

Cindy

is

not

who

you

think

she

is

I

know

How

do

you

know

The

letters

You

could

tell

from

the

letters

Yes

Now

they've

started

writing

me

Listen

to

this

"Dear

editor

I

wrote

Cindy

for

advice

on

what

to

do

about

my

husband

hitting

me

She

put

things

into

perspective

the

way

none

of

my

family

or

friends

could

They

all

told

me

to

save

my

marriage

Cindy

told

me

to

save

myself

I

got

out

thanks

to

her

If

she

has

given

this

gift

to

me

I

can

only

imagine

how

she's

affected

others

God

bless

you

and

Cindy"

she

is

not

the

person

who

I

thought

she

was

at

all

Cindy

has

become

the

differene

in

people's

lives

And

she

should

know

that

She

does

I

won't

be

bothering

you

anymore

Page

I'll

have

cindy

email

her

column

from

now

on

Can

I

help

you

Lucy

stone

FOX

news

New

York

report

 

 

Wondering

what

you're

doing

here

I

just

wanted

to

ask

a

few

questions

to

the

woman

that

seems

to

have

all

the

answers

Cindy

doesn't

do

interviews

She

prefers

to

keep

her

anonymity

Can

I

use

your

phone

to

check

in

with

the

newsroom

Sure

It'll

wait

We

only

trust

secure

land

lines

Do

you

mind

if

I

use

your

restroom

It's

broken

I

can

give

you

a

cup

Okay

I'll

tell

you

what

here

is

my

card

in

case

she

changes

her

mind

when

she

sees

it's

lucy

stone

You'll

be

the

first

one

she

calls

lucy

stone

 

And

again

you

are

 

No

no

no

tell

him

I'm

busy

I

have

no

time

to

talk

to

him

now

If

worse

comes

to

worst

I'll

call

him

tomorrow

at

his

office

Can

I

help

you

Byebye

Ms

Hensen

I

was

hoping

we

could

help

each

other

I

believe

this

is

my

desk

Mr

Simpson

I

know

this

because

I'm

on

the

wrong

side

of

it

Well

forgive

me

So

you

know

who

I

am

You

own

my

competition

and

I

wouldn't

know

who

you

are

What

I

don't

know

is

what

you're

doing

here

Well

I

I

have

a

little

proposition

for

you

Judging

by

your

uninvited

intrusion

I'm

sure

it's

very

little

You

seem

like

a

no

nonsense

woman

and

I

admire

that

At

least

I

know

I'm

dealing

with

an

equal

Any

woman

who

aspires

to

be

equal

to

men

in

business

simply

lacks

ambition

Okay

How's

this

for

ambition

I

want

to

buy

out

Cindy's

contract

Cindy's

not

for

sale

I

happen

to

know

this

newspaper

is

losing

money

You

can't

afford

not

to

sell

her

When

I

want

something

Ms

Hensen

I

usually

get

it

You'll

have

to

get

it

somewhere

else

If

you'll

excuse

me

Never

wrestle

with

a

pig

Ms

Hensen

you'll

both

get

dirty

only

the

pig

likes

it

At

least

I

know

what

species

of

animal

I'm

dealing

with

Good

day

Mr

Simpson

This

is

"FOX

live"

 

Live

from

lower

Manhattan

 

So

who

is

this

advice

columnist

who

has

the

answers

but

for

some

reason

chooses

anonymity

New

york

is

asking

Who

is

Cindy

I

ordered

a

special

meal

and

there

is

nothing

special

about

this

I

should

be

on

your

list

Cindy

Styne

The

Cindy

Styne

Yeah

Why

I

love

your

column

You've

read

my

column

I

even

wrote

to

you

But

you

haven't

answered

it

yet

Really

Was

your

letter

stupid

 

 

You

wouldn't

believe

some

of

the

ridiculous

letters

I

used

to

get

Idiots

out

there

You

know

somehow

I

thought

you'd

be

different

No

I'm

the

same

This

is

your

captain

We're

starting

our

descent

into

New

York

shortly

And

we

up

here

in

the

flight

deck

want

to

thank

you

for

flying

with

us

And

we

hope

you

have

a

pleasant

stay

in

New

York

or

whatever

your

final

destination

Witnesses

reported

to

us

that

they

spotted

Cindy

Styne

dining

Oh

you

have

to

go

What

a

pity

Okay

so

long

I'll

talk

to

you

again

Oh

Thank

you

very

much

The

phones

are

ringing

off

the

hook

I've

been

on

the

phone

so

much

I'm

developing

a

bicep

Biceps

go

the

other

way

Oh

Matt

Lauer

personally

called

 

 

And

the

wire

services

called

to

talk

about

national

syndication

 

That's

great

 

I'm

so

happy

for

you

For

me

back

to

the

grind

 

 

Last

year

when

you

got

that

horrific

flu

How

long

were

you

out

Including

the

days

I

lied

and

went

to

club

med

about

two

and

a

half

weeks

But

I

got

sick

there

I've

been

ignoring

my

intuition

I'm

going

to

go

see

Cindy

Page

is

that

wise

Let

me

rephrase

that

that's

not

wise

Is

there

something

you're

not

telling

me

Almost

daily

Who

is

it

It's

page

Shit

I

heard

that

Ryan

Open

the

door

I'm

in

the

shower

I

need

to

talk

to

Cindy

Now

is

not

a

good

time

Open

the

door

She's

not

here

Where

is

she

The

media's

been

hounding

us

She

couldn't

get

any

rest

so

I

sent

her

to

a

private

hospital

I

looked

up

the

doctor

you

said

was

Cindy's

physician

He's

a

plastic

surgeon

Right

I

want

the

truth

The

truth

is

Dr

Sherman

is

a

plastic

surgeon

And

he

wasn't

treating

cindy

for

the

flu

Keep

talking

What

happened

is

Cindy's

breast

implants

she

has

them

you

know

They

shifted

so

radically

that

she

became

frontally

disfigured

a

one

breasted

hunchback

It

was

like

talking

to

a

picasso

in

chanel

 

 

Yeah

it

was

terrible

You

must

think

I'm

a

complete

idiot

I

don't

but

if

you

feel

I

must

let

me

tell

you

something

Ryan

I

can

spot

bullshit

from

a

blimp

in

a

fogstorm

Now

where

the

hell

is

she

Oh

god

The

real

truth

is

Cindy

went

to

Brazil

 

Ryan

 

No

listen

Three

months

ago

I

was

a

great

liar

with

a

great

job

which

I

lost

So

Cindy

left

me

I

couldn't

find

another

job

so

I

took

hers

You

took

Ci

Wait

a

minute

You've

been

illegally

impersonating

Cindy

Perpetuating

a

hoax

and

lying

to

my

face

It

sounds

a

lot

worse

when

you

say

it

Do

you

understand

the

legal

ramifications

of

this

Yes

I

am

a

fraud

There

will

be

a

huge

scandal

Ryan

The

papers

will

crucify

me

No

wait

I

am

a

paper

I'll

have

to

crucify

myself

 

 

Then

why

didn't

you

Because

I

didn't

want

you

to

know

I

was

a

fraud

And

I

needed

a

reason

to

keep

seeing

you

You're

the

first

woman

that's

made

me

care

about

something

other

than

myself

Oh

please

Add

that

to

your

list

of

lies

and

deception

Everything

you've

said

to

me

has

been

a

lie

Is

there

anything

at

all

about

you

that's

true

Just

the

stuff

you

printed

I

am

so

out

of

here

I

love

you

The

hardest

part

about

this

was

not

being

able

to

tell

you

Or

kiss

you

You

really

think

I

would

let

you

kiss

me

After

this

How

cliche

is

that

What

"Passion

overtakes

them"

Who

do

you

think

you're

dealing

with

here

I

don't

know

I

just

love

you

Let

me

tell

you

something

Cindy

where

do

you

see

the

column

going

 

Cindy

why

the

secrecy

 

What

the

hell

is

going

on

Get

my

car

Hurry

Hurry

You

never

wanted

me

to

hurry

before

Before

my

temperature

goes

down

Stop

complaining

you

always

wanted

a

nooner

Yeah

but

what's

the

rush

to

have

children

Cindy's

having

one

so

 

 

Cindy's

in

Brazil

 

Cindy's

in

Brazil

 

What

No

I

mean

Cindy's

bra

is

chilled

Let's

make

babies

Okay

Oooh

Owww

 

 

It's

the

yoga

It

familiarizes

me

with

muscles

I

never

even

knew

I

had

I

I

can't

move

the

Oh

my

god

My

Exactly

Now

tell

me

what's

going

on

I

don't

know

anything

I

swear

Okaaay

Talk

Feel

the

love

Okay

okay

I'll

talk

I'll

talk

So

Have

I

redeemed

myself

Almost

Keep

trying

You

are

an

amazing

woman

Apparently

so

are

you

Who

else

knows

about

this

besides

you

and

clearly

Iris

My

friend

Barry

But

I

trust

him

Eventually

someone's

going

to

find

out

How

is

anyone

going

to

find

out

Cindy

Welcome

home

Ryan

I

have

been

to

hell

without

a

sunblock

It

was

awful

Brazil

has

no

air

conditioning

mosquitoes

the

size

of

premature

babies

and

nobody

speaks

a

real

language

And

then

Ryan

when

I

got

off

the

plane

I

was

totally

attacked

by

paparazzi

like

a

celebrity

What

is

going

on

What

the

hell

is

going

on

In

a

nutshell

you

left

my

life

collapsed

I

said

you

were

sick

took

over

your

column

It

took

off

you

became

famous

The

column

took

off

and

you've

been

writing

it

 

Actually

I've

 

I

didn't

then

But

I

do

now

So

you've

been

me

while

doing

her

you

used

to

do

me

but

now

you

are

me

Maybe

Wait

a

minute

wait

a

minute

You're

the

one

that

left

me

Ryan

I

have

an

innocent

little

affair

in

Brazil

and

you

not

only

steal

my

job

you

sleep

with

my

boss

Oh

my

god

You're

alive

 

Ryan's

been

writing

your

column

 

He's

telling

everyone

that

you

are

on

your

deathbe

I

know

 

He's

also

having

an

affair

 

No

offense

Cin

but

you're

bursting

my

bubblebutt

here

Isn't

it

higher

Much

Ryan

Ryan

I'm

so

sorry

Cathy

used

her

sexual

web

to

make

me

spill

everything

 

Hey

 

Oh

not

good

This

must

be

the

friend

you

can

trust

Page

Barry

Barry

Page

Page

Cathy

Cathy

Page

And

you

all

know

Cindy

Mmm

the

victim

I

think

everybody

should

leave

Cindy

and

I

have

some

talking

to

do

I'm

not

going

anywhere

I'm

mad

at

you

And

Cindy

needs

me

I

thought

we'd

go

to

bergdorf's

on

the

way

home

Call

me

Right

uh

well

I

should

be

going

too

Yeah

and

leave

the

sheet

I'll

get

my

stuff

out

tomorrow

No

Her

leave

You

I

forgive

Eventually

Cindy

I'm

in

love

with

page

Please

You

don't

even

like

smart

women

I'm

not

the

same

person

You

wouldn't

even

like

me

You'll

meet

someone

else

You're

young

attractive

vulnerable

emotionally

unavailable

everything

a

man

looks

for

in

a

woman

just

not

this

man

Mmm

fine

then

Well

now

there

see

I

knew

that

we

could

all

be

understanding

 

and

amicable

and

 

I

want

my

job

back

at

quadruple

my

old

salary

and

what

used

to

be

your

office

And

completely

irrational

Cindy

no

This

column

is

too

important

to

too

many

lives

Too

bad

I'm

tired

So

you

two

have

about

a

second

to

decide

or

I

go

right

now

to

NBC

news

"Live

at

:"

Ticktock

over

here

You

can't

have

the

column

back

Fine

Watch

me

on

tv

I'll

be

live

at

:

You'll

be

dead

by

:

That

went

well

Excuse

me

Ms

Styne

What

A

moment

of

your

time

if

I

may

I

don't

talk

to

unattractive

strangers

Is

that

your

rolls

Yes

I'm

Donald

Simpson

And

I

own

"The

New

York

chronicle"

as

well

as

other

papers

And

I'd

like

your

column

Cindycated

across

the

country

You

should

know

I'm

not

the

one

I'm

offering

six

figures

a

year

 

 

 

 

Like

a

Mercedes

SLanything

All

you

have

to

do

is

sign

some

papers

 

She's

bluffing

 

She's

not

bluffing

You're

right

she's

not

bluffing

Go

after

her

She's

not

bluffing

 

 

Cindy

What's

wrong

with

us

I

don't

know

We

should

be

upset

Things

couldn't

be

worse

Then

why

am

I

so

happy

Well

because

you

finally

got

me

into

bed

Well

there's

that

If

all

this

happened

so

the

two

of

us

could

be

together

then

it

was

worth

it

We

may

be

screwed

but

we're

screwed

together

Look

on

the

bright

side

tomorrow

morning

when

we

wake

up

we

get

the

unfortunate

pleasure

of

watching

Simpson

announce

his

victory

on

tv

And

if

I

know

Cindy

she'll

be

right

there

with

him

gloating

I

don't

even

care

How

about

you

Cindy

I

need

your

help

Of

course

you

do

I

can

inject

some

of

the

fat

I

took

from

Cathy's

ass

into

it

it'll

give

you

at

least

an

extra

two

inches

 

Barry

wake

up

 

I

need

grand

and

I

need

it

now

Mmmmmmmmm

 

 

No

Ryan

you're

a

bad

stockbroker

See

you

lose

people's

money

I'm

not

a

stockbroker

anymore

Exactly

I'm

not

gmng

my

money

to

a

female

columnist

 

I'm

not

a

female

 

Barry

you

gotta

help

me

 

No

I

can't

no

 

Barry

I

got

nowhere

else

to

go

 

It's

too

much

 

Besides

Ryan

all

my

money's

tied

up

What

about

Cathy's

money

Okay

 

 

Looks

good

for

the

last

issue

Well

well

You

usually

sneak

out

of

bed

and

leave

a

woman

in

the

middle

of

the

night

You

called

I'm

sorry

But

last

night

I

came

up

with

an

idea

that

could

save

your

paper

 

 

If

I

can

get

grand

I

can

turn

it

into

millions

I

borrowed

 

How

much

do

you

have

She

has

nothing

Less

than

nothing

If

you

count

interest

Damn

it

where

am

I

going

to

get

my

hands

on

grand

Here's

my

checkbook

Iris

no

I

don't

want

your

money

You

have

grand

 

 

She's

loaded

I'm

a

great

housekeeper

Three

divorces

I

kept

every

house

 

 

next

husband

Iris

I'll

pay

you

back

Oh

I

don't

want

it

back

I

just

want

a

piece

Iris

I

want

part

ownership

of

whatever

he

has

planned

or

I'll

cash

all

my

paychecks

and

break

you

I

couldn't

think

of

a

better

partner

Oh

no

It's

painfully

clear

that

you've

been

using

me

 

 

But

I

have

it

seems

found

consolation

in

the

arms

of

another

man

A

younger

man

Whoever

he

is

he's

a

lucky

man

too

You

bet

your

ass

Andy

how

are

you

Good

to

see

you

Willy

how

are

you

doing

 

Hey

Doris

 

Hey

Ryan

Hello

Excuse

me

Can

I

help

you

I

don't

think

so

but

thank

you

Well

well

What

are

you

doing

here

Turner

I

thought

you'd

be

leavin'

off

your

famous

girlfriend

Remember

when

I

said

your

wife

was

moderately

attractive

Yeah

I

lied

I

didn't

know

how

lucky

you

are

You're

not

looking

for

a

job

Tables

are

about

to

turn

Carl

Ryan

What

are

you

doing

here

 

You're

looking

at

your

new

client

 

I

want

to

buy

shares

of

Simpson

publishing

Now

I

told

you

no

investments

We're

ruined

Ruined

Byebye

designer

clothes

Now

I'll

have

to

shop

on

Canal

street

Byebye

to

our

vacation

You

promised

me

you

would

take

me

to

Egypt

to

see

that

giant

sphincter

What

about

our

mortgage

huh

Byebye

doorman

coop

We'll

end

up

lmng

in

a

refrigerator

carton

wearing

kleenex

boxes

for

bedroom

slippers

and

snatching

pigeons

for

a

little

protein

praying

for

rain

so

we

can

shower

And

if

you

think

I'm

selling

my

jewelry

you've

got

another

thing

coming

And

let

me

tell

you

something

else

Mr

best

friend

I

hope

you

have

the

numbers

of

some

very

good

hookers

because

my

legs

are

shut

Do

you

hear

me

Welded

Yeah

and

an

egg

roll

Yeah

"welded"

I'll

bring

you

to

the

mike

and

you'll

say

how

happy

you

are

to

be

part

of

the

Simpson

publishing

empire

 

I'll

take

over

from

there

 

Yeah

whatever

 

 

Oh

Donny

oh

It's

beautiful

A

popular

columnist

may

be

defecting

to

another

paper

Who

when

About

an

hour

is

all

I

can

legally

say

but

you

can

do

the

rest

since

you

are

Lucy

Stone

Thank

you

Jim

And

here

in

new

york

reliable

sources

tell

me

that

everyone's

favorite

advice

columnist

may

be

a

free

agent

Could

that

be

what

today's

press

conference

is

about

 

 

That's

the

car

boys

Stand

back

Stand

back

Mr

Simpson

Mr

Simpson

can

you

confirm

the

rumors

Please

sir

Ladies

and

gentlemen

Cindy

Styne

Will

you

be

leaving

The

journal

 

 

Cindy

where

have

you

been

No

comment

on

that

either

Tell

us

about

the

dress

The

dress

I

had

it

made

Rumors

that

popular

columnist

Cindy

Styne

might

be

defecting

to

the

"New

York

chronicle"

has

sent

Simpson's

stocks

up

eight

points

Now

what

Let's

go

watch

a

victory

So

we've

successfully

concluded

an

exclusive

five

year

contract

And

after

lengthy

negotiations

I'm

very

pleased

to

announce

the

acquisition

of

"Ask

Cindy"

Which

will

debut

next

week

in

National

syndication

Amy

get

ready

Ryan

it's

going

up

so

fast

the

ticker

can't

keep

up

So

without

further

ado

let

me

introduce

our

new

chronicle

girl

Ms

Cindy

Styne

Cindy

Amy

 

How

much

is

it

up

 

points

Hah

We

just

made

a

million

five

Thank

ooh

 

Thank

you

Donny

 

Sell

 

You're

out

 

Good

Nice

move

I'm

excited

to

be

part

of

the

Simpson

publishing

family

 

Thank

you

Cin

 

Excuse

me

And

things

are

gonna

be

different

from

now

on

Take

it

all

and

sell

it

short

Are

you

sure

 

 

I

used

to

be

pretty

good

at

this

I'm

betting

that

Simpson

is

about

to

go

down

'Cause

my

life

has

been

a

living

hell

See

it

wasn't

me

writing

my

column

I

was

in

Brazil

 

 

Don't

bother

It

was

an

impostor

my

exboyfriend

forging

my

advice

But

I

am

back

now

so

no

more

of

that

pseudosensitive

crap

 

 

Thank

you

Cindy

Thank

you

very

much

Ms

Styne's

humor

is

one

of

the

reasons

the

Simpson

publishing

company

is

fortunate

to

have

her

 

Let's

gloat

 

Let's

This

conference

is

over

Hey

We

got

a

new

breaking

story

Mr

Simpson

Congratulations

She's

all

yours

Donald

When

you're

screwed

you're

screwed

Come

on

Are

you

hungry

I

could

eat

We

made

how

much

Well

you

made

It

was

your

money

Oh

Wha

I

have

no

idea

I'm

sorry

but

he's

in

a

meeting

Don't

start

with

me

Donny

I

need

some

help

Whoa

 

 

Is

my

tummy

gonna

look

all

right

after

this

Like

your

new

ass

but

flat

and

no

crack

"Dear

Ryan

I

want

to

propose

to

the

only

woman

I

ever

loved

But

I'd

like

to

do

it

in

a

surprising

way

Any

advice

Signed

me"

Hi

 

 

As

soon

as

you

approve

this

Okay

Really

Yes

Wait

My

purse

 

 

 

Somebody

asked

me:

"Phil

if

you

could

be

anywhere

where

would

you

be"

I

said

to

him

"Probably

right

here

Elko

Nevada"

Our

nation's

high

at

today

In

California

they'll

have

warm

weather

tomorrow

gang

wars

and

some

overpriced

real

estate

In

the

Pacific

Northwest

they'll

have

some

very

very

tall

trees

Clear

across

the

Rockies

and

Great

Plains

But

look

out

here

comes

trouble

Oh

boy

Front

coming

our

way

Look

out

What

will

that

mean

to

us

One

of

these

big

blue

things

This

cold

frigid

arctic

air

this

big

mass

out

of

the

north

It'll

meet

up

with

all

this

moisture

out

of

the

Gulf

They'll

mix

at

high

altitudes

and

cause

snow

Going

out

on

a

limb:

Not

gonna

hit

us

here

in

Pittsburgh

Gonna

push

off

and

hit

Altoona

Close

call

Let's

look

at

the

fiveday

As

you

can

see

nothing

to

be

too

scared

about

Bundle

up

warm

but

you

can

leave

your

galoshes

at

home

I

won't

be

here

for

the

:

Tomorrow's

Groundhog

Day

I'll

be

in

Punxsutawney

for

our

country's

oldest

groundhog

festival

According

to

the

legend

tomorrow

February

nd

if

the

groundhog

wakes

and

sees

his

shadow

we've

got

six

more

weeks

of

winter

So

cross

your

fingers

Sounds

like

fun

You

must

really

enjoy

it

This

is

your

third

year

in

a

row

Four

Nan

Four

Thanks

Phil

Next

our

entertainment

editor

looks

at

sex

and

violence

in

movies

Stay

with

us

We're

clear

Have

fun

in

Punxsutawney

For

your

information

Hairdo

a

major

network

is

interested

in

me

That

would

be

the

Home

Shopping

Network

Thanks

Larry

Go

wait

in

the

van

That

was

nice

Phil

Big

trees

Stop

Kenny

Look

can

you

handle

the

or

not

Yeah

yeah

If

you

don't

want

to

rush

back

I

can

do

the

tomorrow

Stay

an

extra

second

in

Punxsutawney

Please

Rita

thinks

it'd

be

a

great

idea

to

stay

for

other

events

You'll

get

incredible

footage

The

people

and

the

fun

The

excitement

You

haven't

worked

with

her

yet

She's

really

nice

I

think

she'll

be

a

really

good

producer

You

guys

are

going

to

have

fun

She's

fun

But

not

my

kind

of

fun

I

will

be

here

for

the

 

Rita

Kottyam

Kerala

India

Can

you

keep

a

secret

Larry

I'm

probably

leaving

PBH

So

this

will

be

the

last

time

we

do

the

Groundhog

together

What's

wrong

with

the

Groundhog

Festival

In

San

Diego

 

I

covered

the

swallows

returning

to

Capistrano

for

six

years

Someone

will

see

me

interview

a

groundhog

think

I

have

no

future

I

think

it's

a

nice

story

He

comes

out

He

looks

around

He

wrinkles

up

his

nose

He

sees

his

shadow

or

not

It's

nice

People

like

it

You

are

new

aren't

you

People

like

blood

sausage

too

People

are

morons

Nice

attitude

Look

in

the

mirror

and

see

how

you

look

when

you

do

that

groundhog

thing

For

me

Once

He

comes

out

and

there

he

looks

at

his

little

shadow

Want

some

blood

sausage

I

have

some

I

like

blood

sausage

Rita

I

can't

stay

here

Prima

donna

What's

the

matter

 

I

stayed

here

two

years

ago

I

was

miserable

I

won't

stay

here

You're

not

staying

here

I'm

not

 

Larry's

dropping

me

off

I

booked

you

in

a

nice

bedandbreakfast

Great

I

think

this

is

one

of

the

traits

of

a

good

producer

Keep

the

talent

happy

Anything

I

can

do

Would

you

help

me

with

my

pelvic

tilt

Within

reason

Want

to

come

to

dinner

with

Larry

and

me

No

thank

you

I've

seen

Larry

eat

You

get

your

sleep

See

you

in

the

morning

Don't

be

late

Did

he

actually

call

himself

the

talent

Campers

rise

and

shine

Don't

forget

your

booties

It's

cold

out

there

It's

cold

every

day

 

Not

hardly

Expect

hazardous

travel

later

today

with

that

blizzard

thing

That

blizzard

thing

Here's

the

report

The

National

Weather

Service

is

calling

for

a

big

blizzard

thing

There's

another

reason

today's

especially

exciting

Especially

cold

The

big

question

on

everybody's

lips

 

 

Will

Phil

come

out

and

see

his

shadow

Punxsutawney

Phil

That's

right

woodchuck

chuckers

It's

Groundhog

Day

Get

up

and

check

that

hog

out

there

Morning

 

 

 

Think

it'll

be

an

early

spring

I'm

predicting

March

st

Good

guess

I

think

that

actually

is

the

first

day

of

spring

Did

you

sleep

well

Mr

Connors

I

slept

alone

Mrs

Lancaster

Like

some

coffee

Is

there

any

possibility

of

getting

an

espresso

or

cappuccino

I

really

don't

know

How

to

spell

espresso

or

cappuccino

This

looks

fine

I

hope

you

enjoy

the

festivities

I'm

sure

I

will

There's

talk

of

a

blizzard

We

may

catch

a

break

and

it

will

blow

right

by

The

moisture

coming

out

of

the

south

by

midday

will

push

on

to

the

east

At

high

altitudes

it'll

crystallize

and

give

us

what

we

call

snow

Our

high

will

get

to

about

today

teens

tonight

Chance

of

precipitation

about

 

percent

today

percent

tomorrow

Did

you

want

to

talk

about

the

weather

or

just

chitchat

Chitchat

See

you

later

Will

you

be

checking

out

today

Chance

of

departure

today

 

percent

Phil

Hey

Phil

Phil

Phil

Connors

I

thought

that

was

you

How

you

doing

Thanks

for

watching

Don't

tell

me

you

don't

remember

me

I

sure

as

heckfire

remember

you

Not

a

chance

Ned

Ryerson

Needlenose

Ned

Ned

the

Head

Come

on

buddy

Case

Western

High

I

did

the

whistling

bellybutton

trick

at

the

talent

show

Bing

Got

the

shingles

real

bad

senior

year

Almost

didn't

graduate

Bing

again

I

dated

your

sister

a

couple

times

till

you

told

me

not

to

anymore

Well

 

Bing

Bing

Did

you

turn

pro

with

that

bellybutton

thing

I

sell

insurance

 

 

If

you

do

you

could

always

use

more

Am

I

right

or

am

I

right

or

am

I

right

Ned

I

would

love

to

stand

here

and

talk

with

you

But

I'm

not

going

to

See

you

That's

all

right

I'll

walk

with

you

I

see

an

opportunity

I

charge

it

like

a

bull

Ned

the

Bull

that's

me

now

I

got

friends

who

live

and

die

by

the

actuarial

tables

I

say

it's

all

one

big

crapshoot

anyhoo

Ever

heard

of

singlepremium

life

That

could

be

the

ticket

for

you

Oh

God

It

is

so

good

to

see

you

What

are

you

doing

for

dinner

Something

else

It's

been

great

seeing

you

Needlehead

Take

care

Watch

out

for

that

first

step

It's

a

doozy

Phil

Phil

over

here

Where

have

you

been

It

was

horrible

A

giant

leech

got

me

You're

missing

all

the

fun

These

people

are

great

Some

of

them

partied

all

night

They

sing

till

they

get

cold

Then

they

go

sit

by

the

fire

and

get

warm

Then

they

come

back

and

sing

some

more

Yeah

They're

hicks

Rita

So

did

you

sleep

okay

without

me

You

tossed

and

turned

didn't

you

You're

incredible

Who

told

you

It's

groundhog

time

Okay

On

me

in

three

two

one

Once

a

year

the

eyes

of

the

nation

turn

to

this

tiny

hamlet

to

watch

a

master

at

work

The

master

Punxsutawney

Phil

the

world's

most

famous

weatherman

The

groundhog

Who

as

legend

has

it

can

predict

an

early

spring

The

question

we

have

to

ask

ourselves

is:

Does

Phil

feel

lucky

Every

year

the

guy

comes

with

a

big

stick

and

raps

on

the

door

They

pull

the

little

rat

out

talk

to

him

The

rat

talks

back

Then

they

tell

us

what's

gonna

happen

Isn't

he

cute

Do

you

like

the

guys

with

the

prominent

upper

teeth

No

This

February

nd

at

:

and

seconds

Punxsutawney

Phil

the

seer

of

seers

prognosticator

of

prognosticators

emerged

reluctantly

but

alertly

in

Punxsutawney

PA

and

stated

in

groundhogese:

I

definitely

see

a

shadow

Sorry

folks

Six

more

weeks

of

winter

On

me

in

three

two

one

This

is

one

time

where

television

fails

to

capture

the

excitement

of

a

large

squirrel

predicting

the

weather

I'm

grateful

to

have

been

here

From

Punxsutawney

this

is

Phil

Connors

So

long

Want

to

try

it

again

without

the

sarcasm

We

got

it

I'm

out

of

here

Prima

donnas

Oh

boy

Take

a

look

at

this

What

is

going

on

I

don't

know

Perhaps

that

blizzard

we're

not

supposed

to

get

This

is

impossible

Hey

hey

hey

No

no

no

Nobody

honks

this

horn

but

me

okay

pal

No

no

Take

it

out

of

here

Commander

what's

going

on

Nothing

We're

closing

the

road

 

It's

a

couple

of

flakes

Don't

you

listen

to

the

weather

We

got

a

major

storm

I

make

the

weather

All

this

moisture

from

the

Gulf

will

push

off

to

the

east

in

Altoona

You

got

that

moisture

on

your

head

You

can

go

back

to

Punxsutawney

or

you

can

freeze

to

death

It's

your

choice

So

what's

it

going

to

be

I'm

thinking

Come

on

all

the

longdistance

lines

are

down

What

about

the

satellite

Is

it

snowing

in

space

Don't

you

keep

a

line

open

for

emergencies

or

celebrities

I'm

both

I'm

a

celebrity

in

an

emergency

Can

you

patch

me

through

on

that

line

Could

I

have

one

more

of

these

with

some

booze

in

it

Oh

I

like

it

here

 

Going

to

the

groundhog

dinner

No

I

had

groundhog

for

lunch

Wasn't

bad

Tastes

like

chicken

You

two

run

along

Looking

foxy

tonight

man

Is

your

troop

selling

cookies

again

this

year

That's

so

funny

So

what

are

you

doing

I

think

I'll

go

back

to

my

room

take

a

hot

shower

and

maybe

read

Hustler

Suit

yourself

Yo

mom

Isn’t

there

any

hot

water

Oh

no

there

wouldn't

be

today

Of

course

not

Silly

me

Sweet

dreams

Campers

rise

and

shine

Don't

forget

your

booties

It's

cold

out

there

It's

cold

every

day

 

Not

hardly

Nice

going

boys

You're

playing

yesterday's

tape

 

That

blizzard

thing

Here's

the

report

The

National

Weather

Service

is

calling

for

a

big

blizzard

thing

There's

another

reason

today's

especially

exciting

Especially

cold

The

big

question

on

everybody's

lips

 

 

Will

Phil

come

out

and

see

his

shadow

Punxsutawney

Phil

That's

right

woodchuck

chuckers

It's

Groundhog

Day

Get

up

and

check

that

hog

out

there

What

the

hell

Morning

Off

to

see

the

groundhog

 

Think

it'll

be

an

early

spring

Didn't

we

do

this

yesterday

I

don't

know

what

you

mean

Don't

mess

with

me

Pork

Chop

 

It's

February

nd

Groundhog

Day

I'm

sorry

I

thought

it

was

yesterday

Did

you

sleep

well

Mr

Connors

Did

I

sleep

well

Like

some

coffee

Yes

please

I

think

I'll

have

a

double

I

hope

you

enjoy

the

festivities

There's

talk

of

a

blizzard

Ever

have

déjà

vu

Mrs

Lancaster

I

don't

think

so

but

I'll

check

with

the

kitchen

No

that's

okay

Thank

you

Will

you

be

checking

out

today

Mr

Connors

I'd

say

the

chance

of

departure

is

percent

 

to

 

Excuse

me

Excuse

me

Where's

everybody

going

To

Gobbler's

Knob

It's

Groundhog

Day

It's

still

just

once

a

year

isn't

it

Hey

Phil

Phil

Hey

Phil

Connors

I

thought

that

was

you

My

oh

my

Phil

Connors

Don't

say

you

don't

remember

me

I

sure

as

heckfire

remember

you

 

 

Bing

First

shot

right

out

of

the

box

So

how's

it

going

old

buddy

I'm

not

feeling

well

Would

you

excuse

me

It's

funny

you

should

mention

your

health

Guess

what

I

do

now

Do

you

sell

insurance

Bing

again

You

are

sharp

as

a

tack

today

Do

you

have

life

insurance

If

you

do

you

could

always

use

more

Right

I

mean

who

couldn't

But

you

wanna

know

something

I

gots

a

feeling

you

ain't

got

any

Am

I

right

or

am

I

right

or

am

I

right

I

got

to

go

Watch

out

for

that

first

step

It's

a

doozy

Phil

Over

here

 

 

I

need

someone

to

give

me

a

good

hard

slap

in

the

face

How's

that

Good

If

you

need

help

with

the

other

cheek

I'm

right

here

Something's

going

on

 

Drunk's

more

fun

Can

I

be

serious

with

you

for

a

minute

I

don't

know

can

you

Yes

I'm

being

serious

I'm

having

a

problem

I

may

be

having

a

problem

Rita

Rita

It's

groundhog

time

See

I

knew

you'd

say

that

I

really

feel

weird

Let's

just

do

this

Then

we'll

talk

All

right

on

me

in

three

two

one

Well

it's

Groundhog

Day

again

and

that

must

mean

we're

up

here

at

Gobbler's

Knob

waiting

for

the

world's

most

famous

groundhog

weatherman

Punxsutawney

Phil

who's

gonna

tell

us

how

much

more

winter

to

expect

This

is

a

riot

Isn’t

he

cute

This

February

nd

at

:

and

seconds

Punxsutawney

Phil

the

seer

of

seers

prognosticator

of

prognosticators

emerged

reluctantly

but

alertly

in

Punxsu

Oh

my

gosh

I

know

there's

a

blizzard

When

will

the

longdistance

lines

be

repaired

What

if

there

is

no

tomorrow

There

wasn't

one

today

Morning

Off

to

see

the

groundhog

Did

you

sleep

well

Mr

Phil

Connors

I

thought

Don't

say

you

don't

remember

me

I

sure

as

heckfire

remember

you

It's

me

Ned

Ryerson

Needlenose

Ned

Ned

the

Head

Phil

Over

here

Can

I

talk

to

you

It's

not

workrelated

 

 

It's

a

creative

meeting

We've

got

work

to

do

I

don't

I've

already

done

it

twice

When

you

get

finished

meet

me

in

the

diner

What's

that

all

about

I

don't

know

Prima

donnas

More

coffee

Just

the

check

please

These

sticky

buns

are

heaven

Aren't

they

Just

put

that

anywhere

pal

Good

save

Tell

me

why

you're

too

sick

to

work

It

better

be

good

I'm

reliving

the

same

day

over

and

over

Groundhog

Day

Today

Okay

I'm

waiting

for

the

punch

line

Really

This

is

the

third

time

It's

like

yesterday

never

happened

I'm

racking

my

brain

trying

to

imagine

why

you'd

make

this

up

I'm

not

making

it

up

I'm

asking

for

help

What

do

you

want

me

to

do

I

don't

know

You're

a

producer

Come

up

with

something

You

should

get

your

head

examined

if

you

expect

me

to

believe

a

stupid

story

like

that

Phil

Like

the

groundhog

Phil

Yeah

Like

the

groundhog

Phil

Look

out

for

your

shadow

pal

Morons

your

bus

is

leaving

You

guys

ready

We

better

go

to

stay

ahead

of

the

weather

Let's

talk

about

it

in

Pittsburgh

I'm

not

going

back

to

Pittsburgh

 

Because

of

the

blizzard

You

said

it

was

going

to

hit

Altoona

I

know

that's

what

I

said

I

think

you

need

help

That's

what

I've

been

saying

I

need

help

No

spots

No

clots

no

tumors

No

lesions

No

aneurysms

At

least

none

that

I

can

see

If

you

want

a

CAT

scan

or

an

MRI

you'll

have

to

go

into

Pittsburgh

I

can't

go

into

Pittsburgh

Why

can't

you

go

into

Pittsburgh

I

told

you

there's

a

blizzard

Right

The

blizzard

You

know

what

you

may

need

Mr

Connors

A

biopsy

A

psychiatrist

That's

an

unusual

problem

Mr

Connors

Most

of

my

work

is

with

couples

families

I

have

an

alcoholic

now

You

went

to

college

right

It

wasn't

veterinary

psychology

was

it

Didn't

you

take

a

course

that

covered

this

stuff

Sort

of

I

guess

Abnormal

psychology

So

what

do

I

do

We

should

meet

again

How's

tomorrow

for

you

Is

that

not

good

I

was

in

the

Virgin

Islands

once

I

met

a

girl

We

ate

lobster

Drank

piña

coladas

At

sunset

we

made

love

like

sea

otters

That

was

a

pretty

good

day

Why

couldn't

I

get

that

day

over

and

over

and

over

Some

guys

would

look

at

this

glass

and

say:

That

glass

is

half

empty

Other

guys

would

say

That

glass

is

half

full

I

peg

you

as

a

"glass

is

half

empty"

kind

of

guy

Right

What

would

you

do

if

you

were

stuck

in

one

place

and

every

day

was

exactly

the

same

and

nothing

you

did

mattered

That

about

sums

it

up

for

me

Good

luck

I'll

drop

you

off

This

thing

sticks

a

little

bit

You

got

to

jiggle

it

Come

on

up

here

pal

Give

me

your

keys

pal

Give

me

the

keys

Friends

don't

let

friends

drive

right

Stand

up

here

Take

a

deep

breath

You

feel

okay

You're

all

right

You

want

to

throw

up

here

or

in

the

car

I

think

both

I

don't

think

I

should

drive

I

don't

either

Watch

your

head

Watch

your

knees

Don't

break

anything

Let's

not

forget

seat

belts

Who

else

could

go

for

some

flapjacks

right

now

Let

me

ask

you

a

question

Shoot

What

if

there

were

no

tomorrow

No

tomorrow

That

means

there'd

be

no

consequences

no

hangovers

We

could

do

whatever

we

wanted

That's

true

We

could

do

whatever

we

want

If

we

wanted

to

hit

mailboxes

we

could

let

Ralph

drive

They

want

you

to

stop

Hang

on

It's

the

same

thing

your

whole

life

"Clean

up

your

room

Stand

up

straight

Pick

up

your

feet

Take

it

like

a

man

Be

nice

to

your

sister

Don't

mix

beer

and

wine

ever

Don't

drive

on

the

railroad

tracks"

That's

one

I

agree

with

I

don't

know

Gus

Sometimes

I

think

you

just

have

to

take

the

big

chances

This

is

the

police

Pull

over

immediately

We're

talking

in

here

I

bet

he

swerves

first

I'm

not

going

to

live

by

their

rules

anymore

I

noticed

that

You

make

choices

and

you

live

with

them

My

knee

Let

me

handle

this

Three

cheeseburgers

two

large

fries

two

chocolate

shakes

and

one

large

Coke

And

some

flapjacks

Too

early

for

flapjacks

Yes

Rise

and

shine

campers

Don't

forget

your

booties

It's

cold

out

there

today

It's

cold

every

day

What

is

this

Miami

Beach

Not

hardly

Slept

like

a

baby

I'd

love

some

of

your

coffee

I

hope

 

but

the

blizzard's

going

to

hit

outside

of

town

Mrs

Lancaster

Was

anybody

looking

for

me

here

this

morning

Perhaps

a

state

official

Maybe

a

blue

hat

gun

nightstick

No

no

one

like

that

Will

there

be

Apparently

not

Will

you

hold

my

room

for

me

I'm

staying

an

extra

day

Catch

you

tomorrow

pops

Phil

Connors

 

I

like

to

see

a

man

of

advancing

years

throw

caution

to

the

wind

It's

inspiring

in

a

way

My

years

are

not

advancing

as

fast

as

you

think

More

coffee

Keep

it

coming

Sure

thing

Just

put

that

anywhere

pal

Good

save

Don't

you

worry

about

cholesterol

lung

cancer

love

handles

I

don't

worry

anymore

What

makes

you

special

Everybody

worries

That's

exactly

what

makes

me

so

special

I

don't

even

have

to

floss

What

The

wretch

concentered

all

in

self

Living

shall

forfeit

fair

renown

And

doubly

dying

shall

go

down

To

the

vile

dust

from

whence

he

sprung

Unwept

unhonored

and

unsung

Sir

Walter

Scott

You

don't

like

poetry

I

love

poetry

I

just

thought

that

was

Willard

Scott

I

was

confused

You

think

I

act

like

this

because

I'm

egocentric

You

are

egocentric

It's

your

defining

characteristic

You

guys

ready

We

better

go

to

stay

ahead

of

the

weather

Thanks

Larry

Would

you

like

a

doggy

bag

I'll

stay

and

finish

I

thought

you

hated

this

town

It's

beginning

to

grow

on

me

Larry

quit

staring

These

are

excellent

You

see

the

groundhog

this

morning

I

never

miss

it

What's

your

name

Nancy

Taylor

And

you

are

 

 

High

school

Lincoln

in

Pittsburgh

Who

are

you

Who

was

your

th

grade

English

teacher

Are

you

kidding

In

th

grade

your

English

teacher

was

Mrs

Walsh

Nancy

Lincoln

Walsh

Thanks

very

much

Nancy

Nancy

Taylor

Lincoln

High

School

I

sat

next

to

you

in

Mrs

Walsh's

English

class

I'm

sorry

Phil

Connors

That's

amazing

You

don't

remember

me

I

asked

you

to

the

prom

Phil

Connors

I

was

short

and

I've

sprouted

How

are

you

Great

You

look

terrific

You

look

very

very

terrific

Listen

I

got

to

go

do

this

report

Are

you

a

reporter

A

weatherman

with

Channel

Pittsburgh

I

should

have

known

That's

great

But

maybe

later

we

could

Yeah

whatever

Stay

right

here

Promise

me

I'll

be

right

back

Wish

me

luck

Good

luck

Oh

Phil

Oh

Rita

Who's

Rita

How

should

I

know

What

is

this

some

kind

of

onenight

stand

On

the

contrary

Nancy

 

I

love

you

I've

always

loved

you

This

is

going

to

seem

sudden

but

Nancy

will

you

be

my

wife

Rita

 

 

A

gust

of

wind

A

dog

barks

Cue

the

truck

Exit

Herman

Walk

on

to

the

bank

Exit

Felix

and

stand

there

with

a

notsobright

look

on

your

face

All

right

Doris

Come

on

Fix

your

bra

honey

That's

better

Felix

How

you

doing

Doris

Can

I

have

a

roll

of

quarters

Tennineeight

car

sixfive

quarters

threetwo

Felix

 

I

don't

know

I

thought

we

were

going

to

a

costume

party

It's

like

I

said

I

love

this

film

I've

seen

it

over

times

Phil

Told

you

call

me

"Bronco"

Sorry

Bronco

Hi

Nancy

My

own

fiancée

doesn't

remember

me

That'll

be

one

adult

and

 

Two

adults

I

guess

groundhog

who

as

legend

has

it

can

predict

an

early

spring

The

question

we

have

to

ask

ourselves

today

is:

Does

Phil

feel

lucky

Rita

if

you

only

had

one

day

to

live

what

would

you

do

I

don't

know

What

are

you

dying

of

No

the

whole

world

is

about

to

explode

What

do

you

do

I

want

to

know

where

to

put

the

camera

What

are

you

looking

for

A

date

for

the

weekend

No

I'm

just

interested

in

you

What

do

you

want

What

do

you

like

What

do

you

think

about

What

kind

of

men

are

you

interested

in

What

do

you

do

for

fun

Are

you

trying

to

make

me

look

like

a

fool

I'm

trying

to

talk

like

normal

people

Isn’t

this

how

they

talk

 

Okay

so

talk

to

me

Let

me

buy

you

a

cup

of

coffee

And

a

doughnut

All

right

So

what

do

you

want

out

of

life

I

guess

I

want

what

everybody

wants

Career

love

marriage

children

Are

you

seeing

anyone

This

is

getting

too

personal

I'm

not

ready

to

share

this

with

you

How

about

you

What

do

you

want

What

I

really

want

is

someone

like

you

Oh

please

Why

not

What

are

you

looking

for

Who's

your

perfect

guy

First

of

all

he's

too

humble

to

know

he's

perfect

That's

me

He's

intelligent

supportive

funny

Intelligent

supportive

funny

Me

me

me

He's

romantic

and

courageous

Me

also

He's

got

a

good

body

but

doesn't

have

to

look

in

the

mirror

often

I

have

a

great

body

and

sometimes

I

go

months

without

looking

He's

kind

sensitive

and

gentle

He's

not

afraid

to

cry

This

is

a

man

we're

talking

about

right

He

likes

animals

children

and

he'll

change

poopy

diapers

Does

he

have

to

use

the

word

"poopy"

He

plays

an

instrument

and

he

loves

his

mother

I

am

really

close

on

this

one

Really

really

close

It's

Phil

Connors

Hello

Thanks

for

watching

What

are

the

chances

of

getting

out

today

Van

won't

start

Larry's

working

on

it

Wouldn't

you

know

it

Can

I

buy

you

a

drink

Jim

Beam

ice

water

For

you

miss

Sweet

vermouth

on

the

rocks

with

a

twist

please

What

are

the

chances

of

getting

out

today

Van

won't

start

Larry's

working

on

it

Wouldn't

you

know

it

Can

I

buy

you

a

drink

Sweet

vermouth

rocks

with

a

twist

please

For

you

miss

 

That's

my

favorite

drink

Mine

too

It

makes

me

think

of

Rome

The

way

the

sun

hits

the

buildings

in

the

afternoon

What

should

we

drink

to

To

the

groundhog

I

always

drink

to

world

peace

Can

I

buy

you

a

drink

Sweet

vermouth

rocks

with

a

twist

please

For

you

miss

The

same

That's

my

favorite

drink

Mine

too

It

makes

me

think

of

Rome

The

way

the

sun

hits

the

buildings

in

the

afternoon

What

should

we

drink

to

I

like

to

say

a

prayer

and

drink

to

world

peace

To

world

peace

This

is

wonderful

See

Didn't

I

tell

you

How

do

you

know

so

much

about

Punxsutawney

I

spend

a

lot

of

time

here

Smalltown

people

are

more

real

downtoearth

That's

how

I

feel

 

 

Yuck

don't

make

me

sick

No

white

chocolate

There

is

something

so

familiar

about

this

Do

you

ever

have

déjà

vu

Didn't

you

just

ask

me

that

People

place

too

much

emphasis

on

their

careers

I

wish

we

could

all

live

in

the

mountains

That's

where

I

see

myself

in

five

years

How

about

you

I

agree

I

just

like

to

go

with

the

flow

See

where

it

leads

me

Well

it's

led

you

here

It's

about

a

million

miles

from

where

I

started

in

college

You

weren't

in

broadcasting

or

journalism

Believe

it

or

not

I

studied

thcentury

French

poetry

What

a

waste

of

time

I

mean

for

someone

else

that'd

be

a

total

waste

So

bold

of

you

to

choose

that

It's

incredible

You

must

be

a

very

strong

person

People

place

too

much

emphasis

on

their

careers

I

wish

we

could

all

live

in

the

mountains

That's

where

I

see

myself

in

five

years

How

about

you

I

agree

I

like

to

go

with

the

flow

see

what

happens

Well

it's

gotten

you

here

It's

a

million

miles

from

where

I

started

in

college

You

weren't

in

broadcasting

or

journalism

or

anything

like

that

Believe

it

or

not

I

studied

thcentury

French

poetry

You

speak

French

I

haven't

done

this

since

I

was

a

kid

Me

neither

It's

fun

Clean

fun

I

hope

one

day

I

can

do

this

with

my

own

children

Where'd

you

get

that

Well

I

went

over

to

the

snowman

shop

Hey

an

assassin

I'll

protect

you

I

shall

die

for

you

You

shall

not

take

her

Find

cover

I'm

getting

some

good

ones

That's

a

boy

Good

try

Help

me

What

I'm

just

amazed

and

I'm

not

easily

amazed

About

what

How

you

can

start

a

day

with

one

kind

of

expectation

and

end

up

so

completely

different

Do

you

like

the

way

this

day

is

turning

out

I

like

it

very

much

It's

a

perfect

day

You

couldn't

plan

a

day

like

this

Well

you

can

It

just

takes

an

awful

lot

of

work

Come

in

I

want

to

show

you

something

I

don't

think

I

should

 

That's

why

I'll

show

you

one

thing

then

kick

you

right

out

It's

just

lovely

Would

you

like

to

sit

and

stare

at

the

fake

fire

It's

a

really

wonderful

room

It

is

now

I

don't

think

we

should

do

this

I

don't

either

On

second

thought

I

think

we

should

It's

the

perfect

end

to

a

perfect

day

Well

it's

a

little

fast

for

me

Me

too

Maybe

I

should

go

Where

would

you

go

Why

We've

got

a

perfect

fire

I've

got

some

French

poetry

here

Baudelaire

I

will

read

to

you

I've

got

some

ice

cream

on

the

windowsill

Hold

on

a

minute

Rocky

road

I

love

rocky

road

Yeah

I

thought

so

You

have

to

stay

No

really

I'm

tired

We

can

see

each

other

tomorrow

No

tonight

It's

got

to

be

tonight

No

Phil

really

Just

stay

for

a

while

and

if

you

like

it

stay

longer

And

if

you

like

that

stay

longer

Let's

not

spoil

it

okay

I

don't

want

to

spoil

it

either

You

know

I

can't

stay

with

you

Why

not

I

love

you

You

love

me

You

don't

even

know

me

 

Oh

no

I

can't

believe

I

fell

for

this

This

whole

day

has

been

one

long

setup

No

it

hasn't

And

I

ate

fudge

Yuck

No

white

chocolate

no

fudge

What

are

you

doing

Are

you

making

some

kind

of

list

Did

you

call

my

friends

and

ask

them

what

I

like

 

 

Stop

saying

that

You

must

be

crazy

I

could

never

love

you

because

you'll

never

love

anyone

but

yourself

I

don't

even

like

myself

Give

me

another

chance

That's

for

making

me

care

about

you

I

haven't

done

this

since

I

was

a

kid

It's

fun

And

good

clean

fun

too

That's

what's

missing

in

the

world

I

can't

wait

to

do

this

with

my

own

children

I

want

lots

of

kids

I

want

to

adopt

I

want

my

own

kids

I

want

to

have

foster

kids

I

got

this

at

Snowman

City

Hey

Some

kid

just

threw

a

snowball

at

us

Come

here

Let's

have

some

fun

I

wish

these

were

my

own

kids

Are

any

of

you

up

for

adoption

Here's

a

humdinger

over

here

Wasn't

that

great

Stop

it

Phil

Over

here

Where

have

you

been

You're

missing

the

fun

Phil

you

look

terrible

What

happened

Rough

night

Okay

campers

Rise

and

shine

Don't

forget

your

booties

because

it's

cold

out

there

It's

cold

out

there

every

day

This

country's

largest

lake

Chapala

is

located

near

Guadalajara

What

is

Mexico

What

is

Mexico

 

Lakes

and

Rivers

 

Seneca

is

the

largest

of

these

lakes

What

are

the

Finger

Lakes

 

 

This

lake

in

Bolivia

 

 

 

For

 

Milkycolored

 

when

entering

Lake

Geneva

this

river

is

clear

blue

upon

exiting

 

 

Good

for

$

You're

$

off

the

lead

right

now

This

is

pitiful

A

thousand

people

freezing

their

butts

off

waiting

to

worship

a

rat

What

a

hype

They

used

to

pull

the

hog

out

and

they

used

to

eat

it

You're

hypocrites

All

of

you

You

got

a

problem

Larry

Untie

your

tongue

Come

here

and

talk

Am

I

upsetting

you

princess

You

want

a

prediction

about

the

weather

You're

asking

the

wrong

Phil

I'll

give

you

a

winter

prediction

It's

going

to

be

cold

It's

going

to

be

gray

And

it's

going

to

last

you

for

the

rest

of

your

life

Once

again

the

eyes

of

the

nation

have

turned

here

to

this

tiny

village

in

Western

Pennsylvania

There

is

no

way

that

this

winter

is

ever

going

to

end

as

long

as

this

groundhog

keeps

seeing

his

shadow

I

don't

see

any

other

way

out

He's

got

to

be

stopped

And

I

have

to

stop

him

Real

good

Phil

Real

good

He's

out

of

his

gourd

I'm

worried

There's

something

really

wrong

with

Phil

There's

a

lot

of

things

wrong

with

Phil

Hi

Phil

I've

come

to

the

end

of

me

There's

no

way

out

now

Just

remember

we

had

a

beautiful

day

together

once

All

right

little

fellow

Good

job

He

just

smiled

at

me

Did

you

see

that

I

believe

he

did

Okay

little

fellow

There

you

go

Hi

there

Something

I

can

do

you

for

Hey

What

are

you

doing

Get

the

word

out

Somebody

kidnapped

Phil

We

are

going

after

him

Why

would

anybody

steal

a

groundhog

I

could

think

of

reasons

Pervert

He

must

have

just

snapped

This

ought

to

be

good

What

is

he

doing

What

can

he

be

thinking

Not

bad

for

a

quadruped

Check

your

mirrors

Side

of

your

eye

Side

of

your

eye

That's

it

Hey

they're

chasing

us

Come

on

make

it

fun

Don't

drive

angry

Don't

drive

angry

There's

no

way

out

except

the

way

we

came

in

We

got

him

now

What

is

he

doing

I

don't

know

If

you

got

to

shoot

don't

hit

the

groundhog

Mustn't

keep

them

waiting

It's

showtime

On

me

in

three

two

one

Phil

He

might

be

okay

Well

no

Probably

not

now

Nuts

Did

you

sleep

well

Mr

Connors

Would

you

like

some

toast

Oh

my

God

That's

him

He

was

a

really

really

great

guy

I

really

really

liked

him

a

lot

I'm

sorry

What

was

that

again

I'm

a

god

You're

God

I'm

a

god

I'm

not

the

God

I

don't

think

Because

you

survived

a

car

wreck

You

folks

ready

to

order

I

didn't

just

survive

a

wreck

I

wasn't

just

blown

up

I

have

been

stabbed

shot

poisoned

frozen

hung

electrocuted

and

burned

Oh

really

Every

morning

I

wake

up

without

a

scratch

not

a

dent

in

the

fender

I

am

an

immortal

Special

today

is

blueberry

waffles

Why

are

you

telling

me

this

Because

I

want

you

to

believe

in

me

You

are

not

a

god

Take

my

word

It's

years

of

Catholic

school

talking

I

can

come

back

if

you're

not

ready

How

do

you

know

I'm

not

a

god

Please

 

It's

not

possible

I'll

come

back

Doris

This

is

Doris

Her

brotherinlaw

owns

this

diner

She's

worked

here

since

she

was

 

She

wants

to

see

Paris

before

she

dies

Boy

would

I

 

 

Do

I

know

you

They're

supposed

to

get

married

She's

having

second

thoughts

What

Lovely

ring

Bill's

been

a

waiter

three

years

since

he

left

Penn

State

to

work

He

likes

the

town

paints

toy

soldiers

and

he's

gay

I

am

Gus

hates

it

here

wishes

he'd

stayed

in

the

Navy

I

could've

retired

on

half

pay

after

years

Excuse

me

Is

this

a

trick

Maybe

the

real

God

uses

tricks

Maybe

he's

not

omnipotent

he

just

knows

everything

Who's

that

 

He

worked

in

the

coal

mine

till

it

closed

 

 

Came

from

Ireland

when

she

was

a

baby

Lived

in

Erie

He's

right

 

 

Works

in

a

shop

makes

noises

like

a

chipmunk

when

she

gets

excited

It's

true

 

I

told

you

I

know

everything

In

five

seconds

a

waiter

will

drop

a

tray

Five

four

three

two

one

 

 

Okay

that's

enough

What

about

me

Do

you

know

me

too

I

know

all

about

you

You

hope

for

more

than

Channel

Pittsburgh

Well

everyone

knows

that

You

like

boats

but

not

the

ocean

You

go

to

a

lake

in

the

summer

with

your

family

There's

a

dock

and

a

boathouse

with

boards

missing

from

the

roof

and

a

place

you

used

to

crawl

underneath

to

be

alone

You're

a

sucker

for

French

poetry

and

rhinestones

You're

very

generous

You're

kind

to

strangers

and

children

When

you

stand

in

the

snow

you

look

like

an

angel

How

are

you

doing

this

I

told

you

I

wake

up

every

day

Right

here

Right

in

Punxsutawney

And

it's

always

February

nd

And

there's

nothing

I

can

do

about

it

If

you

still

can't

believe

me

listen:

In

seconds

Larry

is

going

to

come

and

take

you

away

from

me

But

you

can't

let

him

Please

believe

me

You've

got

to

believe

me

You

guys

ready

We

better

go

to

stay

ahead

of

the

weather

What's

that

 

Maybe

it

really

is

happening

How

else

could

you

know

so

much

There

is

no

way

I'm

not

that

smart

Maybe

I

should

spend

the

day

with

you

as

an

objective

witness

just

to

see

what

happens

This

sounds

like

a

science

project

Concentrate

You

got

to

want

it

You

got

to

want

it

Rita

Come

on

It's

more

in

the

wrist

than

the

fingers

Be

the

hat

Come

on

go

It'd

take

me

a

year

to

get

good

 

Four

to

five

hours

a

day

and

you'd

be

an

expert

 

 

That's

not

the

worst

part

What's

the

worst

part

The

worst

part

is

that

tomorrow

you'll

have

forgotten

all

about

this

and

you'll

treat

me

like

a

jerk

again

I

am

a

jerk

No

you're

not

It

doesn't

make

any

difference

I've

killed

myself

so

many

times

 

I

don't

even

exist

anymore

Sometimes

I

wish

I

had

a

thousand

lifetimes

I

don't

know

Maybe

it's

not

a

curse

It

just

depends

on

how

you

look

at

it

Gosh

you're

an

upbeat

lady

I

want

you

to

know

it's

been

a

really

nice

day

for

me

Me

too

And

maybe

if

it's

not

too

boring

we

can

do

it

again

sometime

I

hope

so

You're

still

here

I

thought

you

were

supposed

to

disappear

Or

I

was

Not

until

 

You

rat

I

never

said

midnight

You

knew

I

was

waiting

for

midnight

Are

you

going

to

leave

No

Good

I'm

sorry

It's

all

right

You

can

fall

asleep

I

promise

I

won't

touch

you

Much

It's

all

right

I'm

not

tired

What

were

you

saying

I

think

the

last

thing

that

you

heard

was:

Only

God

could

make

a

tree

Really

What

I

wanted

to

say

was

 

I

think

you

are

the

kindest

sweetest

prettiest

person

 

I've

ever

met

in

my

life

I've

never

seen

anyone

that's

nicer

to

people

than

you

are

And

the

first

time

I

saw

you

something

happened

to

me

I

never

told

you

but

I

knew

I

wanted

to

hold

you

as

hard

as

I

could

I

don't

deserve

someone

like

you

But

if

I

ever

could

 

I

swear

I

would

love

you

for

the

rest

of

my

life

Did

you

say

something

Good

night

Rita

Good

night

Phil

Campers

rise

and

shine

Don't

forget

your

booties

It's

cold

out

there

It's

cold

every

day

 

Not

hardly

Who

wants

coffee

Get

it

while

it's

hot

Thanks

Phil

 

Skim

milk

two

sugar

Thanks

Phil

Pastry

We're

setting

up

Pastry

Larry

Take

your

pick

Thanks

Raspberry

Great

I

talked

with

Buster

Green

the

head

groundhog

honcho

He

said

if

we

set

up

here

we'll

get

a

better

shot

 

 

Larry

Yeah

Let's

go

for

it

Good

work

Phil

Maybe

we'll

get

lucky

Let

me

give

you

a

hand

No

no

You

got

your

coffee

I'll

get

it

We

never

talk

Do

you

have

kids

I'd

like

a

piano

lesson

I'm

with

a

student

But

if

you

want

to

come

back

tomorrow

I

kind

of

want

to

get

started

I

can

give

you

$

Come

on

in

Morning

Off

to

see

the

groundhog

Think

it'll

be

an

early

spring

Winter

slumbering

in

the

open

air

Wears

on

his

smiling

face

A

dream

of

spring

Ciao

Ciao

How

does

she

look

Great

Thank

you

 

 

Not

bad

You

say

this

is

your

first

lesson

Yes

but

my

father

was

a

piano

mover

so

Phil

Connors

I

thought

it

was

you

 

I

have

missed

you

so

much

I

don't

know

where

you're

headed

but

can

you

call

in

sick

I

got

to

get

going

It's

good

to

see

you

Phil

Hello

father

Let's

get

you

someplace

warm

Remember

me

You

brought

the

old

man

in

How

is

he

He

just

passed

away

 

 

It

was

just

his

time

 

Sir

You

can't

come

in

here

Sir

this

is

a

restricted

area

Where's

the

chart

Sometimes

people

just

die

Not

today

Gets

hard

down

there

at

the

bottom

Here

you

go

Thank

you

Come

on

dad

Come

on

pop

Come

on

Come

on

breathe

Breathe

pop

Breathe

pop

When

Chekhov

saw

the

long

winter

he

saw

a

winter

bleak

and

dark

and

bereft

of

hope

Yet

we

know

winter

is

just

another

step

in

the

cycle

of

life

But

standing

here

among

the

people

of

Punxsutawney

and

basking

in

the

warmth

of

their

hearths

and

hearts

 

I

couldn't

imagine

a

better

fate

than

a

long

and

lustrous

winter

From

Punxsutawney

it's

Phil

Connors

So

long

Nice

speech

Very

nice

Thank

you

 

My

man

you

touched

me

Thanks

Larry

 

I

got

to

go

That

was

surprising

I

didn't

know

you

were

so

versatile

I

surprise

myself

sometimes

Would

you

like

a

cup

of

coffee

I'd

love

to

Can

I

have

a

rain

check

I've

got

some

errands

Errands

What

errands

I

thought

we

were

going

back

What

do

you

say

What

do

you

say

You

little

brat

You

have

never

thanked

me

I'll

see

you

tomorrow

maybe

You

totaled

it

It's

only

a

flat

tire

 

It's

an

earthquake

It's

not

an

earthquake

What

is

it

Thank

you

young

man

It's

nothing

I

had

the

tire

and

the

jack

Just

be

comfortable

It'll

be

a

minute

Who

is

that

He

must

be

from

the

motor

club

He's

having

a

heart

attack

Do

something

Call

an

ambulance

a

lawyer

doctor

anything

I

think

that

did

it

If

you're

going

to

eat

steak

get

sharper

teeth

 

 

Who

was

that

I'm

fine

I'm

fine

 

Eat

eat

People

don't

understand

what's

involved

This

is

an

art

form

I

think

most

people

just

think

that

I

hold

a

camera

and

point

it

at

stuff

There's

a

lot

more

to

it

than

that

Would

you

be

interested

in

seeing

the

inside

of

a

van

You

know

I

really

have

to

get

back

to

the

party

Great

idea

I'll

go

with

you

Let

me

just

drop

a

tip

here

Hi

How

are

you

Rita

this

is

Nancy

We

were

going

to

the

party

You

going

Sounds

like

fun

Maybe

we

should

call

Phil

I

think

he's

already

in

there

Isn’t

he

good

He's

great

He's

my

student

I'm

so

proud

Thank

you

Hello

welcome

to

our

party

I

didn't

know

you

could

play

like

that

I'm

versatile

It's

that

nice

young

man

from

the

motor

club

Thank

you

again

It's

nothing

ladies

He's

the

fastest

jack

in

Jefferson

County

What

was

that

all

about

Don't

know

They've

been

hitting

on

me

all

night

There

you

are

I

never

thanked

you

properly

for

what

you

did

He

would've

choked

for

sure

He

may

have

He

was

trying

to

swallow

a

whole

cow

I

owe

you

one

buddy

Hang

on

to

him

dear

He's

a

real

find

What

did

you

do

today

Same

old

same

old

Excuse

me

Mr

Connors

Fred

how

was

the

wedding

Thank

you

for

making

Debbie

go

through

with

it

All

I

did

was

fan

her

flame

of

passion

for

you

You

are

the

best

No

you

are

Rita

this

is

Debbie

and

Fred

Kleiser

Here

you

go

kids

Congratulations

 

No

way

WrestleMania

No

way

How'd

you

know

We'll

be

in

Pittsburgh

anyway

Thank

you

You're

a

real

pal

Oh

this

is

the

best

I

don't

understand

I

guess

not

How

does

everyone

know

you

You

come

once

a

year

You're

the

most

popular

person

in

town

Excuse

me

Dr

Connors

I

want

to

thank

you

for

fixing

Felix's

back

He

can

help

around

the

house

again

Well

I'm

sorry

to

hear

that

Felix

Dr

Connors

It's

kind

of

an

honorary

title

What

is

going

on

I

really

don't

know

There

is

something

going

on

with

you

You

want

the

long

or

short

version

Let's

start

with

the

short

and

go

from

there

Okay

folks

attention

Time

for

the

bachelor

auction

You

know

the

rules

All

the

eligible

bachelors

come

in

front

And

you

ladies

you

bid

on

them

Do

whatever

you

want

with

them

no

questions

asked

I

don't

want

to

know

about

it

as

long

as

it's

legal

Get

out

your

pocketbooks

and

remember

it's

all

for

charity

What

are

you

doing

down

here

Go

on

get

up

there

I

got

bucks

that

says

you're

mine

Buster

I

got

your

first

victim

Phil

Connors

come

on

up

here

All

right

Now

what

am

I

bid

for

this

fine

specimen

Five

dollars

The

bidding

has

begun

at

$

Ten

dollars

Fifteen

Twenty

Twentyfive

Thirty

Thirtyfive

Forty

Fortyfive

Fifty

Fiftyfive

Sixty

I'm

bid

$

Do

I

hear

more

$

We

won't

accept

any

more

bids

I

think

that's

sold

to

the

little

lady

for

$

Congratulations

Okay

bachelors

who's

next

All

right

Now

what

am

I

bid

for

this

guy

Do

I

hear

a

buck

and

a

half

Anybody

 

cents

I

bid

two

bits

Sold

to

the

lady

for

cents

I

got

him

Phil

Connors

I

thought

that

was

you

This

is

Ned

Ryerson

my

new

insurance

agent

I'll

say

I

haven't

seen

him

for

years

He

comes

up

and

buys

whole

life

term

fire

auto

dental

health

with

the

optional

death

and

dismemberment

plan

This

is

the

best

day

of

my

life

 

 

Where

are

we

going

Let's

not

spoil

it

Let's

not

I

got

that

Why

can't

I

look

Because

you

bother

me

a

lot

I'm

getting

cold

How

long

do

I

have

to

sit

here

I'm

giving

you

your

money's

worth

You

paid

top

dollar

for

me

Well

I

think

you

were

a

bargain

Sweet

of

you

to

say

You're

right

Is

it

finished

yet

I

still

have

to

put

cherry

syrup

on

the

top

then

we

can

eat

it

Come

on

Phil

I'm

freezing

One

second

one

second

Let

me

turn

it

in

the

light

It's

amazing

It's

beautiful

How

did

you

do

that

I

know

your

face

so

well

I

could

do

it

with

my

eyes

closed

It's

lovely

I

don't

know

what

to

say

I

do

No

matter

what

happens

tomorrow

or

for

the

rest

of

my

life

 

I'm

happy

now

because

I

love

you

I

think

I'm

happy

too

Please

Not

again

That's

a

great

song

It's

not

Don't

listen

to

this

man

It's

too

early

Something

is

different

Good

or

bad

Anything

different

is

good

But

this

could

be

real

good

Why

are

you

here

I

bought

you

I

own

you

But

why

are

you

still

here

You

said

"Stay"

so

I

stayed

I

said

"Stay"

so

you

stayed

I

can't

even

make

a

collie

stay

I

got

to

check

something

Stay

Stay

They're

gone

They're

all

gone

 

No

what

Today

is

tomorrow

It

happened

You're

here

I'm

here

Why

weren't

you

like

this

last

night

You

just

fell

asleep

It

was

the

end

of

a

very

long

day

Is

there

anything

I

can

do

for

you

today

I'm

sure

I

can

think

of

something

Kottyam

Kerala

India

Let's

live

here

 

(THE

CLIENTELE'S

"

[I

CAN'T

SEEM

TO]

MAKE

YOU

MINE"

PLAYING)

 

In

the

silence

Of

the

garden

 

 

Moss

arising

on

the

wind

 

And

the

beast

is

pondering

Love

love

love

 

 

Till

the

rusty

nail

Grow

dim

 

 

I

can't

seem

To

make

you

mine

 

 

Through

the

long

And

lonely

night

 

 

And

I

try

so

hard

darling

 

But

the

crowd

Pulled

you

away

 

 

Through

the

rhythm

And

the

rain

 

 

And

the

ivy

coiled

around

My

hand

 

(WHIMPERS)

You

coming

or

not

 

I

can't

seem

To

make

you

mine

 

 

Through

the

long

And

lonely

night

 

 

And

I

try

so

hard

darling

 

But

the

crowd

Pulled

you

away

 

 

Through

the

rhythm

And

the

rain

 

 

And

the

ivy

coiled

around

My

hand

 

(ELEVATOR

DINGS)

MAN:

All

right

I'll

get

her

in

right

away

MAN

:

Appreciate

it

Hi

Hi

WOMAN

(OVER

PA):

Dr

Klyczynski

to

ER

stat

Dr

Klyczynski

to

ER

stat

Hi

excuse

me

Yeah

just

a

minute

okay

Fill

this

out

for

me

and

wait

over

there

No

I'm

I'm

Dr

Forster

I

was

told

to

report

here

You'll

be

covering

patients

on

rounds

today

this

floor

and

the

next

Twentytwo

Quiet

morning

If

you

get

into

trouble

beep

me

but

don't

make

it

a

habit

The

med

students

will

help

you

out

with

scutwork

What's

he

doing

here

I

ordered

an

MRI

stat

Transport

said

about

four

hours

He

could

be

dead

in

four

hours

Never

mind

Dr

Forster

MRI

That's

a

right

two

lefts

elevator

to

two

Okay

Follow

the

signs

Hustle

back

here

for

rounds

Um

Dr

Kly

Are

you

taking

me

somewhere

I

certainly

hope

so

sir

How

are

you

feeling

today

Am

Am

I

gonna

make

it

Uh

yes

Absolutely

(SAW

BLADE

WHIRRING)

(MEN

CHATTERING

INDISTINCTLY)

Alex

I

made

my

famous

spinach

pie

The

trailer's

nice

and

toasty

I

can't

Look

it's

really

cold

out

here

Don't

get

sick

on

me

or

anything

I

never

get

sick

So

I

heard

you

bought

a

house

and

apparently

I'm

the

last

one

to

know

I

thought

I

mentioned

that

Wait

Where

Outside

of

town

Up

the

shore

a

little

bit

Up

the

shore

There's

no

houses

Oh

God

You

don't

mean

that

thing

with

the

stilts

and

the

(WOMAN

YELPS)

You

all

right

Yeah

Are

you

crazy

Why

would

you

take

that

house

Alex

It's

made

of

glass

There's

no

privacy

Mona

Huh

Get

yourself

some

boots

ALEX:

Hey

Gonzalez

(MUMBLING)

(GRUNTS)

(WHISPERS)

Fourthirty

You

lost

Yeah

Takes

a

while

to

get

your

bearings

I'm

Madhvi

Kate

Forster

Hi

Oh

wrong

floor

Where'd

you

do

your

residency

Just

a

little

community

hospital

up

on

the

North

Shore

()

KATE:

Dear

new

tenant

welcome

to

your

new

home

As

the

previous

tenant

let

me

say

I

hope

you'll

like

living

here

as

much

as

I

did

I

filed

the

change

of

address

with

the

post

office

but

you

know

what

a

crapshoot

that

can

be

So

if

anything

slips

through

would

you

do

me

a

favor

and

forward

my

mail

I'd

appreciate

it

My

new

address

is

below

Thanks

in

advance

PS

"Sorry

about

the

paw

prints

by

the

front

door

They

were

there"

when

I

moved

in

Same

with

the

box

in

the

attic"

Paw

prints

What

the

hell

is

she

talking

about

(DOOR

SHUTS)

Hey

baby

girl

Hi

Hi

Hey

(FLICKS

SWITCH)

(KEYS

JINGLING)

Fix

the

light

Get

dog

food

huh

(DOG

BARKS)

Get

human

food

()

Hey

Hey

(DOG

BARKING)

Hey

come

here

(PEOPLE

CHATTERING

INDISTINCTLY)

KATE:

Sixty

degrees

on

Valentine's

Day

This

can't

be

Chicago

KATE'S

MOTHER:

The

TV

says

it's

global

warming

The

icebergs

start

melting

water

covers

the

earth

Thank

God

we

won't

live

to

see

it

KATE:

What's

this

Hm

Oh

That's

nothing

It's

one

of

your

father's

Dostoyevsky

Oh

yeah

It's

about

a

guy

who

breaks

the

neck

of

a

poor

woman

with

an

axe

and

so

far

keeps

wandering

around

regretting

it

Mm

This

is

good

Oh

yeah

Yeah

It's

really

good

Mmm

MAN:

I'll

meet

you

there

What

are

you

thinking

WOMAN:

My

folks

are

coming

into

town

Nothing

When

your

father

passed

away

it

was

hard

It

still

is

hard

Holding

his

books

I

feel

like

he's

with

me

somehow

Knowing

that

he

was

once

on

the

same

pages

reading

the

same

words

(VEHICLE

HONKING)

(TIRES

SQUEALING)

KATE:

Dear

God

WOMAN

:

Oh

my

God

Somebody

call

an

ambulance

(PANICKED

SHOUTING)

We

need

an

ambulance

at

Daley

Plaza

A

man

has

been

struck

by

a

bus

Get

an

EMT

crew

here

Sir

COP:

Get

out

the

street

Get

on

the

sidewalk

On

the

sidewalk

Off

the

street

Sir

Sir

Get

on

the

sidewalk

Get

on

the

sidewalk

ALEX:

I'd

like

to

get

the

foundation

on

number

dug

today

MULHERN:

Look

I

know

you're

kind

of

new

around

here

kid

What

I

can't

get

to

until

at

least

next

week

Come

on

Mulhern

That's

bullshit

and

you

know

it

Take

Clemens

and

Rodriguez

off

of

roofing

Jorge

can

run

the

backhoe

they're

not

using

on

 

and

grab

four

or

five

of

those

other

guys

who

are

sitting

around

doing

nothin'

on

seven

and

 

Paulie

Carlos

Frank

Danny

and

what'shisname

the

tall

guy

Rafael

Rafael

Let's

go

Okay

MAN

:

Ready

MAN

:

Yeah

MAN

:

All

I

need's

a

and

 

(WHISTLES

SHARPLY)

Hey

WOMAN

(OVER

PA):

Housekeeping

ER

to

the

Suture

Room

please

Housekeeping

ER

to

the

Suture

Room

Hey

Hi

I

heard

about

Daley

Plaza

Mmhm

EMT

said

you

fought

hard

for

the

guy

Mmhm

Yep

Really

knocked

myself

out

KLYCZYNSKI:

Kate

I'm

going

to

tell

you

what

I

tell

every

young

doctor

Hopefully

you'll

be

the

first

to

listen

On

your

day

off

get

as

far

away

from

this

place

as

you

can

Go

someplace

where

you

feel

most

like

yourself

()

(DOG

PANTING)

(DOG

WHIMPERS)

ALEX:

Dear

Ms

Forster:

I

got

your

note

and

I'm

afraid

there

must

be

some

kind

of

misunderstanding

As

far

as

I

know

the

lake

house

has

been

empty

for

several

years

Maybe

your

note

was

intended

for

the

Sandburg

house

down

the

shore

"

since

no

one

has

lived

in

this

house

for

years

But

I'm

curious

about

the

paw

prints"

KATE:

Dear

Mr

Wyler

I'm

very

familiar

with

the

Sandburg

cottage

and

I

can

guarantee

I

never

lived

there

I'm

oldfashioned

but

I

don't

think

a

cottage

should

be

over

 

square

feet

So

let

me

try

again

I

used

to

live

at

the

lake

house

Then

I

moved

Now

I

live

at

North

Racine

in

Chicago

I'd

appreciate

it

if

you

would

forward

my

mail

if

you

get

any

Oh

by

the

way

it's

 

Has

been

all

year

Ask

anyone

 

What

does

she

mean

 

God

Oh

God

MAN:

Good

morning

Mr

Wyler

WOMAN:

Morning

Mr

Wyler

ALL:

Morning

sir

Morning

morning

Hello

Mr

Wyler

Mr

Wyler

Sir

Well

uh

obviously

I

derive

my

inspiration

for

the

metaphor

of

the

fugue

the

loop

Yeah

(HUMMING)

HENRY:

Two

hours

of

that

shit

You

kidding

me

WOMAN:

What

are

you

talking

about

He

didn't

say

a

word

Sadistic

bitter

bitter

old

man

I

think

you're

being

a

little

overdramatic

Where

are

you

going

MAN:

Oh

I

love

that

place

I

can't

believe

that

thing's

still

running

Yep

You

look

like

shit

I

missed

you

too

(CHUCKLES)

Hey

forget

about

him

ALEX:

Condos

Riviera

Estates

You're

joking

I

don't

believe

this

I

come

back

after

four

years

and

I

get

this

in

front

of

me

What

My

little

brother

thinking

he's

Frank

Lloyd

Whatever

Oh

come

on

Dad

keeps

you

hostage

in

that

little

mythmaking

factory

of

his

while

you

haven't

built

so

much

as

a

phone

booth

or

a

hamster

cage

That's

funny

you

say

that

actually

I

have

a

hamster

cage

in

mind

A

development

of

them

actually

Ah

Prefab

no

foundations

What

do

you

think

about

that

See

that's

what

I'm

talking

about

You

have

vision

Ah

Speaking

of

which

I'd

like

you

to

know

I

bought

a

house

Where

On

the

lake

You

bought

a

lake

house

So

you

are

making

some

money

Well

it's

a

dump

Been

abandoned

for

years

but

Oh

so

you

got

an

abandoned

haunted

lake

hou

I

guess

Yeah

that's

as

good

a

reason

as

any

for

selling

out

and

joining

the

flabbydevelopers'

guild

How

about

this

I

even

got

a

dog

You

got

a

dog

He

just

showed

up

at

the

house

from

out

of

nowhere

(CARLA

BRUNI'S

"LA

NOYÉE"

PLAYING)

 

Ou

bien

Frôlant

quelques

ronces

 

 

Tu

hésites

Et

tu

m'attends

 

HENRY:

What

are

we

doing

here

ALEX:

I

have

to

deliver

a

letter

It

should

be

here

 

North

Racine

HENRY:

But

there's

nothin'

here

Are

we

meeting

someone

Does

somebody

live

here

What

Yeah

I

thought

so

HENRY:

Should

we

ring

the

bell

(MAKES

BUZZER

SOUND)

ALEX:

Dear

Ms

Forster:

I

went

to

North

Racine

and

it's

not

there

It's

just

a

construction

site

From

the

pictures

it

looks

nice

but

not

for

another

months

What

am

I

missing

here

Maybe

you

got

the

address

wrong

because

I

noticed

you

got

the

date

wrong

too

You

really

wanna

play

this

game

If

you

are

truly

in

the

year

 

then

be

forewarned

Remember

that

day

You

were

not

happy

Remember

that

(SIGHS)

I

know

KATE:

Okay

my

mystery

correspondent

I

get

it

Just

in

case

you

really

are

where

and

when

you

think

you

are

you'll

need

this

There

was

a

freak

late

snow

that

spring

and

everyone

got

sick

So

plenty

of

rest

lots

of

fluids

Doctor's

orders

(SCOFFS)

Snow

Right

Yeah

come

to

papa

(WIND

WHISTLING)

(SNEEZES)

()

KATE:

Jackie

Jack

(JACK

BARKING)

Jack

come

on

Come

on

girl

Come

on

come

on

Jack

(BARKING)

(BARKING)

"Impossible

I

know

Not

possible

but

it's

happening"

Okay

(SIGHS)

Where

am

I

(SNIFFS)

(SIGHS)

Very

clever

The

lake

house

The

lake

house

Yes

well

as

you

can

see

I

too

am

at

the

lake

house

but

I'm

getting

tired

of

these

games

so

I'm

leaving

okay

Bye

Thank

you

Bye

Maybe

we

should

introduce

ourselves

properly

KATE:

I'm

a

doctor

dedicated

to

curing

the

sick

(SPRAYS)

At

least

trying

to

ALEX:

I'm

an

architect

I

like

to

build

And

while

I

wouldn't

say

my

current

project

is

ideal

it

allows

me

to

be

here

in

this

place

and

that's

enough

for

now

(TALKING

INDISTINCTLY)

But

tell

me

something

If

you're

working

in

a

hospital

in

Chicago

now

where

were

you

before

in

my

time

KATE:

Two

years

ago

in

your

time

I

was

working

in

internal

medicine

in

Madison

(ALARM

BEEPING)

ALEX:

Tell

me

about

the

future

What's

it

like

in

the

year

 

KATE:

Hm

I'm

afraid

the

world's

pretty

much

the

same

Of

course

we

all

dress

in

shiny

metal

jump

suits

and

drive

flying

cars

and

no

one

talks

anymore

because

we

can

read

each

other's

minds

(CHUCKLES)

But

the

truth

is

man

from

the

past

not

much

has

really

changed

in

 

(JACK

BARKING)

KATE:

Speaking

of

the

past

though

I've

been

thinking

about

the

paw

prints

How

is

that

possible

Well

I

think

we

have

the

same

dog

KATE:

Oh

yeah

What's

yours

like

According

to

the

vet

mine

is

years

old

in

my

time

Uh

in

yours

She's

skinny

has

sad

eyes

snores

and

sleeps

like

a

person

I

don't

know

why

but

I

call

her

Jack

Hello

Jack

ALICIA

(OVER

TV):

It's

nice

out

here

Let's

not

go

out

for

dinner

Let's

stay

here

Hey

DEVLIN

(OVER

TV):

We

have

to

eat

What

are

you

doing

You're

supposed

to

be

asleep

I'll

cook

I

thought

you

didn't

like

to

cook

No

I

don't

like

to

cook

GIRL:

Is

she

gonna

marry

him

What

do

you

think

I

don't

know

He's

kind

of

old

(CHUCKLES)

Okay

he's

not

that

old

My

mom's

last

boyfriend

was

bald

He

was

nice

but

my

mom

didn't

marry

him

No

"There's

always

somethin'

better

comin'

around

the

corner"

That's

what

she

says

Maybe

that's

what

that

lady

should

do

Wait

for

something

better

to

come

around

the

corner

Maybe

But

if

she's

not

careful

she

could

spend

her

whole

life

waiting

Do

you

want

me

to

bring

anything

back

with

me

Yes

What

about

a

nice

bottle

of

wine

to

celebrate

What

time

shall

I

come

back

Seven

o'clock

KATE:

Sorry

I

haven't

made

it

to

the

mailbox

lately

It's

been

a

long

week

All

night

shifts

ALEX:

Good

to

hear

from

you

I

thought

you

left

me

You

should

know

that

you're

my

only

connection

to

the

future

How

come

we

never

talk

about

the

things

we

like

KATE:

Hm

Well

let's

see

Reading

the

classics

to

Jack

ALEX:

Who's

his

favorite

KATE:

Dostoyevsky

ALEX:

For

me

this

city

on

a

day

when

the

light

is

so

clear

that

I

can

touch

every

detail

every

brick

and

window

in

the

buildings

I

love

Come

on

take

a

walk

with

me

this

Saturday

Let

me

show

you

KATE:

You're

crazy

Why

are

you

going

through

all

this

trouble

for

me

ALEX:

No

trouble

Summer's

here

(EELS'

"ANT

FARM"

PLAYING)

 

Walk

down

the

street

I'm

thinking

 

 

Everybody

move

along

 

I've

got

a

sadhearted

Needing

to

belong

 

ALEX:

Okay

your

turn

Favorite

things

KATE:

Where

to

start

Okay

When

I

smell

the

flowers

before

I

see

them

When

it

starts

to

rain

just

as

the

picnic

is

ending

And

I

love

the

smell

of

Jack's

paws

ALEX:

You

didn't

forget

to

mention

your

husband

did

you

KATE:

Oh

Well

of

course

I

love

my

husband

who

is

also

a

doctor

Plastic

surgeon

for

small

farm

animals

ALEX:

Good

I'm

married

too

I've

got

eight

children

and

none

of

them

look

like

me

I'm

worried

Kate

KATE:

I

would

be

too

(ALEX

CHUCKLES)

ALEX:

I'm

single

KATE:

Me

too

Oh

Wow

Number

 

ALEX:

She's

a

beauty

My

father

used

to

tell

me

she

was

the

grandma

for

all

the

houses

in

the

city

He

used

to

take

me

on

walks

like

I'm

taking

you

now

KATE:

Alex

ALEX:

Kate

KATE:

I

wish

we

could

have

done

this

walk

together

So

what

do

you

think

He

sounds

like

a

nice

boy

Sounds

like

a

nice

boy

Anything

else

He

has

wonderful

penmanship

Mother

look

at

the

date

on

the

letter

The

date

Oh

you

mean

the

time

thing

Yes

That's

just

a

detail

Just

a

detail

(SIGHS)

(GERRY

MULLIGAN'S

"ALMOST

LIKE

BEING

IN

LOVE"

PLAYING)

SIMON:

About

the

uh

The

other

day

uh

it

was

not

a

good

moment

I

was

in

a

hell

of

a

hurry

ALEX:

Of

course

You've

got

some

nice

pieces

here

Oh

yeah

Music's

fine

music

helps

(CHUCKLES)

It's

like

Nietzsche

says:

Life

would

be

senseless

Without

music

I

guess

I

told

you

that

huh

Pour

yourself

a

drink

Can

you

appreciate

a

good

wine

by

now

You

bet

You

know

you'll

have

to

forgive

your

father

for

being

curious

but

where

have

you

been

all

these

years

I

thought

your

Kerouac

days

were

behind

you

(CHUCKLES)

I'm

sorry

what

What

Oh

you

can

come

up

if

you

like

What

are

you

working

on

Oh

I'm

just

I'm

just

remembering

things

It's

not

such

an

easy

job

let

me

tell

you

Nor

is

it

particularly

innocent

in

my

case

Your

father

is

writing

his

memoirs

Are

we

in

it

What

do

you

think

Do

you

wanna

be

Do

you

Of

course

You

were

all

a

part

of

your

father's

life

Why

are

you

talking

to

me

in

the

third

person

Well

I

I

don't

Because

I'm

writing

about

myself

I

suppose

Why

doesn't

it

suit

you

I

thought

you

might

like

these

What

are

these

Something

you've

been

working

on

No

they're

They're

yours

From

a

house

I

just

bought

on

the

lake

Oh

yes

I

heard

They

said

some

sleazy

little

condo

developer

had

snapped

it

up

Oh

come

on

Indulge

your

father

Can't

you

take

a

little

joke

for

God's

sake

Come

on

Tell

me

Where

have

you

been

I

really

want

to

know

I

was

trying

to

forget

you

Or

forgive

you

Did

you

succeed

No

Let

me

know

if

you

need

any

help

remembering

Oh

yeah

I

will

KATE:

Charging

 

Get

milligram

of

epi

Have

amio

ready

in

case

we

need

it

All

clear

NURSE:

Clear

(HEART

MONITOR

BEEPING)

Hold

compression

start

bagging

He's

got

a

rhythm

Slow

Do

we

have

a

pulse

with

that

We

got

a

pulse

thready

It's

getting

stronger

KATE:

Long

days

these

days

I

just

worked

 

hours

straight

Every

time

I

stop

to

take

a

breath

I

realize

how

isolated

I've

let

myself

become

Believe

me

you

can

get

a

bit

desperate

That

one

Okay

There

you

go

Nice

move

Very

nice

Nice

It's

not

that

I'm

complaining

I

love

my

work

And

our

tour

through

Chicago

opened

my

eyes

to

its

beauty

But

my

heart

still

misses

the

lake

house

and

its

trees

I

miss

those

trees

so

much

(BRAD

MEHLDAU'S

WHEN

IT

RAINS

PLAYING)

(THUNDER

RUMBLING)

(THUNDER

RUMBLING)

ALEX:

Don't

worry

Kate

We'll

be

together

in

time

Even

if

we're

far

apart

I'll

find

a

way

to

be

close

to

you

and

take

care

of

you

Oh

lu

lu

lu

lu

Katerina

Take

this

You

should

eat

more

You

too

skinny

I'm

not

too

skinny

Remember

how

you

used

to

eat

when

you

were

little

Chuga

chuga

chug

chug

With

your

hands

Yes

I

remember

Now

did

you

or

did

you

not

write

to

each

other

To

your

father

No

to

Clark

Gable

Yes

to

Dad

I

uh

What

Mom

Before

your

father

Yeah

There

was

this

boy

Did

you

love

him

Yeah

Well

Why

Why

didn't

you

marry

him

So

that

you

could

ask

me

this

question

someday

()

Looks

smaller

Uh

when

did

he

complete

it

You

weren't

born

yet

and

I

was

 

God

Corbusier

meets

Frank

Lloyd

Wright

You

know

Dad

played

cards

with

both

of

'em

Sharing

a

joint

Yeah

well

(CHUCKLES)

ALEX:

Can't

swim

There

should

be

a

stairway

down

to

the

water

a

porch

a

deck

Here

you're

in

a

In

a

box

A

glass

box

with

a

view

to

everything

that's

around

you

but

you

can't

touch

it

No

interconnection

between

you

and

what

you're

looking

at

HENRY:

I

don't

know

you

know

He's

got

this

big

maple

growing

right

in

the

middle

of

the

house

Containment

Containment

and

control

(BOTH

LAUGHING)

This

house

is

about

ownership

not

connection

I

mean

it's

beautiful

Seductive

even

But

it's

incomplete

It

was

all

about

him

(THUNDER

CRASHING)

Dad

knew

how

to

build

a

house

not

a

home

But

you

know

I

think

he

wants

us

to

do

what

he

couldn't

But

admitting

that

would

mean

admitting

that

he

came

up

short

in

some

way

that

he

could

do

more

And

that

tortures

him

Do

you

remember

being

here

with

Mom

I

remember

she

tried

to

make

it

work

here

with

us

with

him

Hey

what

about

Visionary

Vanguard

What

about

it

Come

on

You

can't

convince

me

you're

gonna

be

happy

building

these

saltboxes

for

tourists

Nobody's

gonna

admire

you

for

that

Admire

me

for

that

Yeah

Visionary

Vanguard

(LAUGHS)

That's

your

idea

I

can't

But

you

can

keep

the

name

No

come

on

It's

gotta

be

you

and

me

Henry

I'm

sorry

I

can't

I

I

just

uh

What

I've

got

other

plans

You

have

a

girlfriend

Nah

Mm

no

What

is

that

You

hesitated

No

I

didn't

hesitate

Come

on

man

I

don't

have

I

don't

have

any

time

for

that

What

does

time

have

to

do

with

it

Oh

you're

gonna

think

I'm

crazy

KATE:

My

dearest

Mr

Wyler:

Are

you

willing

to

play

a

game

with

me

Two

years

ago

today

I

was

taking

the

train

to

Madison

from

the

Riverside

station

and

I

forgot

something

there

It

was

a

gift

from

my

father

If

you

find

it

can

you

please

put

it

in

the

mailbox

It

would

mean

a

lot

Yours

Kate

Final

call

for

the

:

to

Madison

Do

you

really

wanna

know

Come

on

(BOTH

GIGGLING)

All

aboard

MAN:

Okay

I'll

call

you

()

(TRAIN

HORN

BLARING)

ALEX:

Kate

I

found

it

I

have

it

with

me

One

day

I'll

get

it

to

you

Trust

me

I

know

how

important

it

is

to

you

You

might

not

remember

but

we

saw

each

other

At

least

I

saw

you

You

never

told

me

how

beautiful

you

are

KATE:

Well

maybe

you

saw

somebody

else

That

was

a

bad

hair

year

for

me

ALEX:

Long

brown

hair

Gentle

unguarded

eyes

KATE:

Okay

okay

okay

okay

You

saw

me

But

I

still

don't

know

what

you

look

like

ALEX:

Well

why

don't

we

just

get

together

in

the

future

and

you

can

let

me

know

what

you

think

It's

a

date

Okay

Why

don't

you

call

me

July

th

at

:

pm

(CELL

PHONE

RINGING)

Hello

MAN:

Kate

Yes

It's

Morgan

(CLEARS

THROAT)

Morgan

Yeah

I'm

here

in

Chicago

I

came

down

for

a

meeting

but

it

was

canceled

so

I

thought

I'd

give

you

a

call

MORGAN:

Hey

uh

have

you

eaten

No

but

I'm

not

Neither

have

I

I

just

realized

I'm

totally

starving

We

could

grab

a

quick

bite

Okay

Yeah

All

right

MAN:

Hey

wait

up

WOMAN:

Watch

out

man

MAN:

All

right

Looks

pretty

good

Oh

Perfect

No

Morgan

it's

It's

not

No

no

trust

me

It's

Okay

Hi

there

One

sec

Could

you

hold

on

for

a

moment

please

We'd

love

a

table

for

two

The

name

Oh

um

we

don't

We

don't

have

a

reservation

I'm

sorry

sir

we're

booked

until

October

October

Well

I'll

get

back

to

you

That

went

well

(LAUGHING)

It's

no

big

deal

(SIGHS)

Oh

come

on

stop

it

It's

the

best

restaurant

in

town

Nobody

gets

a

table

here

No

it's

not

that

Well

what

is

it

I

didn't

do

this

right

There

wasn't

a

meeting

was

there

You'd

see

me

if

there

was

no

big

deal

If

it

was

just

Mmhm

ambush

You

know

coffee

and

coffee

can

turn

into

dinner

and

dinner

can

turn

into

Turn

into

what

I'll

admit

I

do

sometimes

get

a

few

steps

ahead

of

myself

Morgan

a

few

steps

You're

always

leaping

 

steps

ahead

We

were

dating

what

a

week

And

you

had

our

entire

future

mapped

out

for

us

Still

in

my

residency

you

were

picking

out

real

estate

I

would

go

to

your

house

for

the

weekend

you'd

have

the

entire

town

in

your

house

to

meet

me

You

know

I

do

seem

to

remember

that

you

made

pretty

fast

friends

with

one

of

them

What

are

you

talking

about

Oh

you

know

what

I'm

talking

about

That

guy

What

guy

The

guy

I

caught

you

making

out

with

I

wasn't

making

out

with

him

What

are

we

in

junior

high

school

right

now

What

do

you

call

it

then

A

kiss

It

was

just

one

kiss

with

some

random

guy

that

just

Years

You

know

what

Gentlemen

unit

on

Riviera

Estates

is

complete

(ALL

CHEERING)

Congratulations

You

did

a

good

job

Ah

One

down

Fortyfour

to

go

We're

not

terrifyingly

behind

schedule

just

alarmingly

(SIGHS)

It's

gonna

be

okay

The

guys

are

getting

to

know

their

job

but

we

could

use

another

backhoe

And

the

water

on

needs

to

be

resealed

Shut

up

What

I'm

kind

of

disappointed

in

you

Why

Because

you're

supposed

to

be

on

top

of

things

around

here

I

thought

I

was

Well

you

never

noticed

these

Don't

you

remember

You

told

me

to

get

'em

Right

right

Wow

Not

exactly

what

I

had

in

mind

but

You

like

'em

I

like

them

I

think

we

should

go

out

Tonight

(JACK

BARKING)

If

you're

not

doing

any

Jack

Jack

Hey

Jack

Jack

Come

on

Jack

Alex

wait

for

me

ALEX:

Jack

Jack

Jack

Jack

(JACK

BARKING)

Yours

I

take

it

Yeah

Yeah

sorry

Thanks

Come

here

Jack

What

were

you

thinking

huh

girl

What

were

you

thinking

She's

never

run

off

like

that

before

You

gotta

keep

an

eye

on

them

What's

his

name

Her

Jack

Jack

It's

a

good

name

for

a

girl

I

should

get

one

like

you

for

my

girlfriend

She

loves

dogs

Hey

have

we

met

before

No

don't

think

so

Morgan

Price

Alex

Wyler

Hey

man

you

need

a

hand

with

this

MORGAN:

Yeah

ALEX:

Okay

MORGAN:

Lived

here

long

ALEX:

Just

a

few

months

I've

got

a

place

on

the

lake

The

lake

really

I've

been

thinking

Alex

Oh

good

(PANTING)

Thank

God

you

found

him

Yeah

Mona

Morgan

Morgan

Mona

Well

hello

Hi

It's

good

to

meet

you

Nice

to

meet

you

too

Nice

boots

there

Listen

just

so

you

don't

think

I'm

gonna

drink

all

this

by

myself

I'm

having

a

bunch

of

friends

over

tonight

for

a

party

You

two

are

welcome

to

come

Oh

hey

Alex

Take

my

card

I

might

be

looking

to

rent

a

place

on

the

lake

myself

Okay

It's

Kate

my

girlfriend

she's

never

really

liked

this

place

and

I

promised

her

we'd

look

for

something

new

once

she

finishes

her

residency

in

Madison

So

if

you

hear

of

anything

Sure

She's

a

doctor

Yeah

Alex

Great

to

meet

you

Morgan

Great

to

meet

you

All

right

(CAROLE

KING'S

IT'S

TOO

LATE

PLAYING)

Hey

Morgan

what

time's

that

party

at

Eight

o'clock

It's

Kate's

birthday

 

Stayed

in

bed

all

morning

Just

to

pass

the

time

 

It's

Kate

birthday

Come

on

Jack

 

There's

something

wrong

here

There

can

be

no

denyin'

 

 

One

of

us

is

changin'

 

 

Or

maybe

we've

just

Stopped

tryin'

 

 

And

it's

too

late

baby

Now

it's

too

late

 

 

Though

we

really

did

try

To

make

it

 

 

Something

inside

has

died

And

I

can't

hide

 

Hi

Hi

What

can

I

get

you

Glass

of

white

wine

please

 

It

used

to

be

so

easy

Thank

you

You're

welcome

 

Living

here

with

you

 

You

were

light

and

breezy

And

I

knew

just

what

to

do

 

 

Now

you

look

so

unhappy

And

I

feel

like

a

fool

 

 

And

it's

too

late

baby

Now

it's

too

late

 

According

to

most

accepted

social

norms

a

person

should

not

drink

alone

after

pm

unless

they

have

a

good

excuse

Mm

What's

yours

Gosh

don't

have

one

(GIGGLES)

I

do

My

youngest

left

for

college

this

morning

Marie

One

day

she's

splashing

around

a

wading

pool

in

diapers

Then

she's

packing

up

a

Volvo

and

driving

to

California

I

just

hope

she

knows

what

she's

getting

into

Don't

tell

me

Premed

Bingo

Hey

how

are

you

Good

to

see

you

I'm

well

thanks

I

want

you

to

meet

some

friends

of

mine

Alex

Mona

this

is

the

Wootch

Susan

Johnny

Hi

Let's

get

you

something

to

drink

Come

on

Back

here

Bar's

back

here

Come

on

Hey

this

is

Marjorie

Why

didn't

you

mention

it

was

today

We

would

have

had

a

cake

for

you

or

something

Oh

it's

just

time

passing

I

hate

making

a

big

deal

out

of

it

You

keep

a

lot

to

yourself

Nothing

wrong

with

it

But

I've

sometimes

wondered

what

else

you

have

in

your

life

besides

work

Family

Boyfriend

Well

I

did

Once

His

name

was

Morgan

Morgan

Mmhm

Morgan

That's

a

sexy

name

(GIGGLES)

ALL:

Surprise

(LAUGHING

AND

CHATTERING)

Happy

birthday

Katie

WOMAN

:

Happy

birthday

MAN:

Happy

birthday

WOMAN

:

We

got

you

This

is

Kate

obviously

Hi

Kate

This

is

Alex

and

Mona

Hi

Hi

This

guy's

gonna

help

us

find

our

lake

house

Oh

Right

You

haven't

had

cake

KATE:

Anyway

well

I

ended

it

And

I'm

happy

now

and

it

was

the

right

thing

to

do

So

who

is

it

you

write

to

I

couldn't

help

Every

time

you

get

a

break

at

the

hospital

you're

writing

something

There

is

someone

It's

kind

of

a

longdistance

relationship

How

did

you

meet

(LAUGHING)

We

haven't

What

No

The

story

of

my

life

You're

kidding

Keep

everything

at

a

distance

Everyone

The

man

who

was

standing

right

in

front

of

me

the

one

that

wanted

to

marry

me

him

I

push

away

I

run

from

him

In

the

meantime

the

The

one

man

I

can

never

meet

him

I

would

like

to

give

my

whole

heart

to

He

must

write

one

hell

of

a

letter

Mmhm

It's

nice

It's

safe

Christ

he's

in

prison

isn't

he

No

You're

one

of

those

women

aren't

you

No

No

he's

just

a

guy

who

lives

on

a

lake

He's

an

architect

()

(WHISPERS)

Oh

my

God

(DOOR

SLAMS)

(SIGHS)

ALEX:

Happy

birthday

Thank

you

I

hope

it's

a

great

year

for

you

Thank

you

I'm

Alex

The

lakehouse

guy

Oh

yeah

How

you

doin'

May

I

So

you're

gonna

You're

gonna

find

us

a

place

on

the

lake

huh

I

hope

so

Yeah

If

I

can

You're

a

realestate

agent

No

I

I

just

uh

have

a

lake

house

Oh

Is

it

nice

Yeah

you'll

love

it

You're

gonna

rent

it

after

I

move

out

Oh

really

Kate

have

you

read

Persuasion

What

By

Jane

Austen

I

know

who

it's

by

Yeah

it's

um

It's

my

favorite

book

Why

Why

did

you

bring

something

like

that

up

What

made

you

bring

that

up

I

just

A

friend

of

mine

gave

it

to

me

recently

and

I

was

wondering

what

it's

about

It's

It's

wonderful

Yeah

Yeah

It's

about

um

About

waiting

(CHUCKLES)

These

two

people

they

They

uh

They

meet

They

almost

fall

in

love

but

the

timing

isn't

right

They

They

have

to

part

And

then

years

later

they

They

meet

again

They

get

another

chance

You

know

but

they

don't

know

if

too

much

time

has

passed

If

they

waited

too

long

if

it's

you

know

too

late

to

make

it

work

Why

do

you

like

that

(LAUGHING)

I

don't

know

No

Don't

get

me

wrong

It's

beautiful

in

a

kind

of

No

it's

terrible

It's

terrible

Terrible

That's

terrible

It's

terrible

That's

Yeah

it's

That's

terrible

It's

a

personal

question

but

have

you

ever

been

through

anything

like

that

Me

No

No

no

No

(SIGHS)

When

I

was

uh

When

I

was

 

I

was

completely

in

love

with

this

guy

He

played

guitar

and

um

I

ran

away

from

home

and

uh

went

to

San

Francisco

so

I

could

go

live

with

him

Yeah

he

convinced

me

I

had

a

beautiful

voice

and

I

uh

I

dreamed

of

becoming

a

singer

I

love

San

Francisco

Yeah

he

was

He

was

my

first

love

Probably

the

only

one

He

must

have

been

a

great

guy

I

don't

I

don't

know

I

He

may

have

been

It

didn't

last

long

enough

for

me

to

find

out

Yeah

Truth

is

I

I

can't

even

remember

what

he

looked

like

Really

Yeah

That's

too

bad

My

dad

My

dad

showed

up

actually

You

were

in

trouble

Yeah

he

came

in

Yeah

I

was

in

trouble

He

yanked

me

back

to

Chicago

Yeah

And

he

was

sick

and

he

uh

He

had

these

These

dreams

of

me

becoming

a

doctor

you

know

You

know

and

eventually

they

became

my

dreams

too

He

was

right

You

know

I

I

feel

good

helping

people

Then

he

died

Kate

What

(SIGHS)

I

uh

You

(PAUL

McCARTNEY'S

"THIS

NEVER

HAPPENED

BEFORE"

PLAYING

OVER

STEREO)

I

just

uh

What

 

I'm

very

sure

 

Do

you

know

this

song

Mmhm

 

This

never

happened

Yeah

 

To

me

before

 

I

met

you

Do

you

sing

(KATE

CHUCKLES)

No

Nobody

wants

to

hear

me

sing

You

don't

wanna

hear

me

sing

I

I

didn't

mean

you

know

(CHUCKLES)

But

yeah

 

This

is

the

way

It's

supposed

to

be

 

But

I

can

dance

 

I

met

you

and

now

I

see

 

This

is

the

way

It

should

be

 

 

This

is

the

way

It

should

be

for

lovers

 

 

They

shouldn't

go

it

alone

 

 

It's

not

so

good

When

you're

on

your

own

 

 

So

come

to

me

 

Now

we

can

be

What

we

wanna

be

 

 

I

love

you

And

now

I

see

 

 

This

is

the

way

It

should

be

 

 

This

is

the

way

It

should

be

 

 

This

is

the

way

It

should

be

for

lovers

 

 

They

shouldn't

go

it

alone

 

 

It's

not

so

good

When

you're

on

your

own

 

 

I'm

very

sure

 

 

This

never

happened

To

me

before

 

 

I

met

you

and

now

I'm

sure

 

 

This

never

happened

before

 

This

never

happened

 

This

never

happened

before

 

This

never

happened

 

This

never

happened

before

 

This

never

happened

before

MORGAN:

Kate

Hey

um

Alex

was

uh

Alex

was

just

telling

me

about

the

um

The

lake

house

Yeah

it

sounds

Sounds

really

great

Great

Alex

it's

late

Yeah

Yeah

Um

Good

night

Good

night

KATE:

It

was

you

WOMAN:

Do

you

work

tomorrow

night

Why

didn't

you

say

anything

ALEX:

You

would've

thought

I

was

crazy

or

drunk

Or

both

Yeah

but

I

liked

you

You

should

have

said

something

How

You

were

with

your

boyfriend

You

know

what

Excuses

excuses

You

are

a

coward

I'm

not

a

coward

Oh

really

Well

what

about

your

girlfriend

What

I

told

you

already

she's

not

my

girlfriend

He's

not

my

boyfriend

either

Oh

really

Well

what

is

he

then

Your

brother

Ah

We

have

a

comedian

What'd

you

have

a

clown

for

breakfast

this

morning

Wonderful

Our

first

fight

You

could

write

a

song

about

it

and

go

sing

it

in

San

Francisco

(PHONE

RINGING)

What

Hello

Hey

Henry

What

MAN:

You'll

let

me

know

right

WOMAN:

Yes

I

will

Hi

Good

afternoon

I'm

looking

for

my

father

I

don't

know

which

room

he's

in

Simon

Wyler

Mr

Wyler

the

architect

Yes

I'm

Anna

Klyczynski

I'm

the

Attending

for

your

father

Hey

What

happened

How

is

he

He's

okay

He's

had

a

heart

attack

Fortunately

relatively

minor

His

vitals

are

fine

and

he's

stable

but

it

will

require

an

intervention

He's

agreed

to

schedule

it

for

tomorrow

(MACHINE

BEEPING)

Good

to

see

you're

taking

it

easy

Well

you

You

didn't

need

to

come

I'm

perfectly

well

Perfectly

all

right

Well

you

had

a

heart

attack

Dad

I

had

an

episode

for

chrissake

Nothing

more

Appreciate

it

if

you

kept

everything

in

its

perspective

Well

then

I

just

wanna

let

you

know

I'm

here

if

you

need

anything

Coffee

What

You

heard

me

Coffee

ALEX:

There's

something

I

never

told

you

Kate

You

see

it

was

my

father

who

built

the

lake

house

I

mean

with

his

own

hands

And

it

was

a

long

time

ago

before

he

was

famous

when

he

still

had

a

family

and

worshipped

my

mother

Her

name

was

Mary

and

the

house

was

a

gift

for

her

She

was

smart

and

funny

She

could've

done

anything

but

chose

to

take

care

of

my

brother

and

I

and

help

him

build

his

career

You

see

the

more

successful

he

became

the

more

impossible

he

was

to

live

with

Finally

she

just

couldn't

take

living

with

him

anymore

She

left

him

Within

a

year

she

got

sick

Unfortunately

she

never

learned

how

to

stop

loving

him

He

wasn't

at

the

funeral

When

I

asked

him

why

Go

on

Alex

What

did

he

say

He

said

"She

was

dead

to

me

the

moment

she

stepped

out

of

the

house"

And

then

he

gave

me

one

of

his

architectoftheyear

grins

I

hope

you

appreciate

this

I

had

to

sneak

past

three

nurses

and

your

Attending

Oh

jeez

it's

hot

It's

not

decaf

is

it

It

should

be

but

it

isn't

Ah

Mm

That's

not

bad

Thank

you

son

You're

welcome

Where's

your

brother

I

sent

him

away

He

wasn't

feeling

well

You

know

how

he

is

He

worries

Yeah

I

know

He

gets

that

from

your

mother

I'm

afraid

She

always

worried

too

much

What

are

you

looking

at

Hm

Oh

yeah

here

take

a

gander

It's

a

proposal

for

a

museum

Who

is

it

Oh

someone

new

Oh

I

like

the

walkways

where

the

light

falls

What

are

the

materials

Granite

Aluminum

White

panels

are

straight

out

of

Meier

but

the

interior

color

coming

through

the

front

windows

that's

different

It's

not

new

but

it's

clean

uncluttered

I

like

it

When

was

the

last

time

you

were

in

Barcelona

Years

ago

with

you

Mom

and

Henry

Do

you

remember

visiting

Casa

de

la

Caritat

The

almshouse

Mmhm

That's

right

You

mentioned

Meier

His

Barcelona

museum

stands

in

the

same

area

as

Casa

de

la

Caritat

It

drinks

the

same

light

Meier

designed

a

series

of

louvered

skylights

to

capture

that

light

and

cast

it

inward

to

illuminate

the

art

within

but

indirectly

And

that

was

important

because

although

light

enhances

art

it

can

also

degrade

it

But

you

know

all

that

already

you

son

of

a

(CHUCKLES)

Now

this

(COUGHS)

where

do

you

suppose

this

is

to

be

built

I

have

no

idea

Oh

but

you

said

you

liked

it

Conceptually

Now

come

on

You

know

as

well

as

I

do

that

the

light

in

Barcelona

is

quite

different

from

the

light

in

Tokyo

And

the

light

in

Tokyo

is

different

from

that

in

Prague

A

truly

great

structure

one

that

is

meant

to

stand

the

tests

of

time

never

disregards

its

environment

A

serious

architect

takes

that

into

account

He

knows

that

if

he

wants

presence

he

must

consult

with

nature

He

must

be

captivated

by

the

light

Always

the

light

Always

()

Hey

I

have

an

emergency

Take

my

shift

Please

(PHONE

RINGING)

Hello

KLYCZYNSKI:

Mr

Wyler

Yes

This

is

Dr

Klyczynski

at

Chicago

City

Hospital

I'm

afraid

I

have

some

difficult

news

for

you

KATE:

I'm

so

sorry

Alex

I

wish

somehow

I

could

be

there

with

you

that

we

could

sit

together

and

look

out

over

the

water

and

the

light

in

this

house

your

father

built

I

could

be

a

shoulder

for

you

like

you've

been

for

me

And

tell

you

that

everything

is

gonna

be

okay

If

I

could

do

one

thing

for

you

today

from

here

one

small

simple

thing

from

the

future

I

hope

this

is

it

It

won't

be

published

for

a

couple

of

years

but

I

don't

think

you

should

have

to

wait

that

long

I

hope

it

helps

you

know

how

much

you

were

loved

(SIGHS)

Aw

(SNIFFLES)

(SIGHS)

(SOBBING)

(NICK

DRAKE'S

"PINK

MOON"

PLAYING)

(BIRDS

CHIRPING)

 

I

saw

it

written

And

I

saw

it

say

 

 

Pink

moon

is

on

its

way

 

And

none

of

you

Stand

so

tall

 

Pick

a

place

I'll

be

there

I

promise

Tomorrow

what

do

you

say

But

Alex

it

won't

be

tomorrow

for

you

You're

gonna

have

to

wait

two

years

I

know

I

don't

care

I'll

wait

Are

you

sure

I

don't

know

I

do

I've

never

been

so

sure

of

anything

in

my

life

Okay

I'll

see

you

in

two

years

then

See

you

tomorrow

then

Kate

where

would

you

like

to

go

Il

Mare

HOSTESS:

When

were

you

hoping

to

dine

with

us

Two

years

from

tomorrow

Two

years

from

tomorrow

Yeah

Two

years

From

tomorrow

Uhhuh

Hi

Hello

Name

Uh

Forster

Can

I

have

your

name

Wyler

Or

uh

Wyler

I'm

I'm

really

not

sure

I

think

we

should

be

able

to

accommodate

you

Great

Wyler

Mmhm

(CHUCKLES)

Wyler

Your

waiter

will

be

right

with

you

(ROSEMARY

CLOONEY'S

"THERE

WILL

NEVER

BE

ANOTHER

YOU"

PLAYING)

(INDISTINCT

CHATTERING)

 

And

I'll

be

Standing

here

 

Good

evening

miss

Complimentary

 

There

will

be

 

Other

songs

to

sing

 

Another

fall

Another

spring

 

 

But

there

will

never

be

Thank

you

(WHISPERS)

Good

luck

 

Another

you

 

There

will

be

other

lips

 

That

I

may

kiss

 

But

they

won't

thrill

me

 

 

Like

yours

used

to

do

Another

glass

for

the

lady

(ROSEMARY

CLOONEY'S

I

WISH

YOU

LOVE

PLAYING)

 

And

more

than

wealth

 

I

wish

you

love

 

I

wish

you

shelter

 

From

the

storm

 

A

cozy

fire

 

To

keep

you

warm

 

But

most

of

all

 

When

snowflakes

fall

 

I

wish

you

love

()

KATE:

You

weren't

there

You

didn't

come

I

don't

understand

ALEX:

Something

must

have

happened

I'm

sorry

I've

got

two

years

Kate

We

can

try

again

KATE:

No

Alex

it's

too

late

It

already

happened

It

didn't

work

ALEX:

Don't

give

up

on

me

Kate

What

about

Persuasion

You

told

me

They

wait

They

meet

again

They

have

another

chance

KATE:

Life

is

not

a

book

Alex

And

it

can

be

over

in

a

second

I

was

having

lunch

with

my

mother

at

Daley

Plaza

and

a

man

was

killed

right

in

front

of

me

He

died

in

my

arms

And

I

thought:

"It

can't

end

just

like

that

on

Valentine's

Day"

And

I

thought

about

all

the

people

who

love

him

waiting

at

home

who

will

never

see

him

again

And

then

I

thought:

"What

if

there

is

no

one"

What

if

you

live

your

whole

life

and

no

one

is

waiting

So

I

drove

to

the

lake

house

looking

for

any

kind

of

answer

And

I

found

you

And

I

let

myself

get

lost

Lost

in

this

beautiful

fantasy

where

time

stood

still

But

it's

not

real

Alex

I

have

to

learn

to

live

the

life

that

I

have

got

Please

don't

write

anymore

Don't

try

to

find

me

Let

me

let

you

go

()

(PAOLO

CONTE'S

CHIAMAMI

ADESSON

PLAYING)

(INDISTINCT

CHATTERING)

(PHONE

RINGING)

Hello

What

I'm

sorry

hold

on

I

can't

hear

you

I'll

be

right

back

sorry

Hello

Hold

on

Hold

on

Hello

Hi

How

long

are

you

here

I'm

at

a

bar

with

some

friends

Come

on

Well

don't

get

too

excited

I

find

that

hard

to

believe

Mm

It

is

good

And

it

was

really

good

to

hear

your

voice

I

was

surprised

how

good

it

was

to

hear

your

voice

So

how

was

your

meeting

It

was

good

Yeah

Yeah

I

uh

I

got

the

job

Really

Yeah

Well

congratulations

Imagine

that

Yeah

A

telecom

company

I'll

be

inhouse

counsel

Pays

well

And

it's

here

in

Chicago

Well

it's

great

news

Hey

()

What

(WHIMPERS)

Jack

(BARKING)

Hey

Jack

Jack

()

MORGAN:

Are

you

gonna

come

down

this

weekend

Hm

(CHUCKLES)

Don't

you

miss

me

a

little

bit

Oh

just

a

little

bit

Not

a

lot

huh

Okay

No

I

heard

you

Yeah

(CHUCKLES)

Um

Kate

I'm

gonna

have

to

call

you

back

okay

Still

wanna

rent

a

lake

house

It's

what

Kate

wants

How

the

hell

do

you

know

what

Kate

wants

Trust

me

()

(BARKING)

Hey

you

I

know

you

MAN:

Whatever

you

want

out

back

ALEX:

What

do

you

think

You're

fixating

You

know

Why

do

you

keep

tweaking

the

lake

house

Why

don't

you

do

your

own

work

Because

it's

hers

You're

uh

talking

about

the

girl

from

the

future

Kate

And

you're

still

writing

with

Kate

No

Why

not

She

asked

me

not

to

Why

Time

Hey

come

on

This

is

a

good

thing

You

know

you

need

a

real

woman

(LAUGHING)

A

woman

Henry

listen

Listen

to

me

While

it

lasted

she

was

more

real

to

me

than

any

of

that

stuff

She

was

more

real

to

me

than

anything

I've

ever

known

()

I

saw

her

I

kissed

her

I

love

her

And

now

she's

gone

She's

gone

(SIGHS)

and

Duckett

squirts

through

First

thing

(UPTEMPO

MUSIC

PLAYING)

MAN

:

How

could

the

Ab

Scissor

fourminute

ab

machine

MAN

:

and

your

potatoes

cooking

on

the

top

ALICIA:

It's

nice

out

here

Let's

stay

here

DEVLIN:

We

have

to

eat

We

can

eat

here

I'll

cook

I

thought

you

didn't

like

to

cook

No

I

don't

like

to

cook

But

I

have

a

chicken

in

the

icebox

and

you're

eating

it

What

about

all

the

washingup

afterward

We'll

eat

with

our

fingers

Could

you

turn

that

down

a

little

babe

Don't

we

need

any

plates

Yes

One

for

you

and

one

for

()

(SIGHS)

"There

could

have

been

no

two

hearts

so

open

no

tastes

so

similar"

no

feelings

so

in

unison"

(SIGHS)

ALL:

Ten

nine

eight

seven

six

five

four

three

two

one

Happy

New

Year

(KNOCK

AT

DOOR)

Come

in

(HAMMERING)

Hi

Hi

What

do

you

think

This

is

what

I

gave

up

lunch

for

I

know

it

needs

work

Work

How

about

a

wrecking

ball

(CHUCKLES)

I

found

an

architect

who

specializes

in

renovations

I

made

an

appointment

for

tomorrow

Oh

(NICK

DRAKE'S

TIME

HAS

TOLD

ME

PLAYING)

(SIGHS)

Ambush

(CHUCKLES)

Come

on

We

can't

stay

in

my

apartment

We've

been

there

over

a

year

I

wanna

keep

moving

forward

 

What

I

really

don't

Want

to

love

 

 

Time

has

told

me

KATE:

It's

a

new

firm

MORGAN:

New

as

in

inexperienced

KATE:

No

"New"

as

in

cheap

MORGAN:

Ah

 

A

soul

with

no

footprint

Hi

Hi

Dr

Forster

We'll

be

with

you

in

a

moment

Great

thank

you

 

Your

tears

they

tell

me

 

There's

really

no

way

 

Oh

by

the

way

(CLEARS

THROAT)

Happy

Valentine's

Day

Oh

God

Katie

I

didn't

get

you

anything

I'm

sorry

I've

just

been

so

swamped

and

Doesn't

matter

 

And

time

will

tell

you

 

To

stay

by

my

side

 

To

keep

on

trying

Whoa

What

is

this

It's

global

warming

Dr

Forster

Hi

I'm

sorry

to

have

kept

you

waiting

 

So

leave

the

ways

That

are

making

you

be

 

 

What

you

really

Don't

want

to

be

 

 

Leave

the

ways

That

are

making

you

love

 

KATE:

Good

to

see

you

again

Dr

Forster

You

too

welcome

Hi

I'm

Morgan

Hey

Morgan

Vanessa

Vanderbeck

Wow

So

obviously

the

first

thing

you

see

is

what

we

had

talked

about

The

atrium

Wow

That's

stunning

So

we

were

able

to

do

it

with

all

the

All

the

The

glass

panels

in

In

the

metal

structure

Yeah

Can

I

Hey

you

wanna

get

a

beer

after

work

I'm

sorry

I

can't

I'm

taking

Vanessa

out

for

Valentine's

Day

(CHUCKLES)

 

For

a

troubled

mind

Wait

Say

that

again

It's

Valentine's

Day

today

I'm

taking

out

Vanessa

my

girlfriend

Cold

champagne

some

oysters

maybe

a

little

chocolate

What's

the

date

It's

February

th

February

th

 

Yeah

Stunning

Thank

you

so

much

Our

pleasure

Thank

you

Thank

you

so

much

Thank

you

Henry

will

make

sure

you

have

everything

Great

They

were

absolutely

beautiful

I

Thank

you

What

Katie

I

gotta

get

back

to

work

Who

did

this

drawing

HENRY:

Uh

my

brother

did

actually

Who's

your

brother

Alex

Wyler

Did

you

know

him

Yeah

Yeah

I

know

him

Um

do

you

know

how

uh

I

can

get

in

touch

with

him

Uh

is

Is

he

Is

he

anywhere

that

I

can

Um

Um

I'm

sorry

um

He

died

Uh

two

years

ago

today

actually

Uh

there

was

an

accident

and

Where

()

MORGAN:

Kate

Wait

just

stop

Just

stop

Goddamn

it

answer

me

What

is

the

matter

Kate

Kate

(SOBBING)

()

KATE:

Sixty

degrees

on

Valentine's

Day

This

cannot

be

Chicago

The

TV

says

it's

global

warming

Nothing

wrong

with

that

It's

a

dangerous

thing

KATE:

Alex

I

know

why

you

didn't

show

up

that

night

It

was

you

at

Daley

Plaza

that

day

It

was

you

Please

don't

go

Just

wait

Please

Don't

look

for

me

Don't

try

to

find

me

I

love

you

And

it's

taken

me

all

this

time

to

say

it

but

I

love

you

(CRYING)

And

if

you

still

care

for

me

wait

for

me

Wait

with

me

Just

wait

Wait

(DINGS)

Wait

two

years

Alex

Come

to

the

lake

house

I'm

here

()

(CAR

APPROACHING)

(DOOR

OPENING)

(DOOR

CLOSING)

You

waited

()

(PAUL

McCARTNEY'S

"THIS

NEVER

HAPPENED

BEFORE"

PLAYING)

 

I'm

very

sure

 

 

This

never

happened

To

me

before

 

 

I

met

you

and

now

I'm

sure

 

 

This

never

happened

before

 

Now

I

see

 

This

is

the

way

It's

supposed

to

be

 

 

I

met

you

and

now

I

see

 

This

is

the

way

It

should

be

 

 

This

is

the

way

It

should

be

for

lovers

 

 

They

shouldn't

go

it

alone

 

 

It's

not

so

good

When

you're

on

your

own

 

 

So

come

to

me

 

Now

we

can

be

What

we

wanna

be

 

 

I

love

you

and

now

I

see

 

This

is

the

way

It

should

be

 

 

This

is

the

way

It

should

be

 

 

This

is

the

way

It

should

be

for

lovers

 

 

They

shouldn't

go

it

alone

 

 

It's

not

so

good

When

you're

on

your

own

 

 

I'm

very

sure

 

 

This

never

happened

To

me

before

 

 

I

met

you

and

now

I'm

sure

 

 

This

never

happened

before

 

This

never

happened

 

This

never

happened

before

 

This

never

happened

 

This

never

happened

before

 

This

never

Happened

before

 

 

 

Dock

five

the

Immaculata

It's

over

there

Oh

I

cannot

I

repeat

cannot

sit

in

this

cesspool

by

the

sea

with

nothing

to

do

So

while

you

repair

your

silly

boat

engines

I

will

do

some

remodelling

 

I've

sent

for

a

carpenter

 

Whatever

diddums

I'm

shooting

skeet

Hello

Mr

Stayton

Anybody

home

 

Hello

 

State

your

purpose

 

 

It's

a

very

expensive

gun

 

 

That's

my

wife's

department

Could

you

tell

me

where

your

wife

might

be

You're

the

carpenter

Yeah

Dean

Proffitt

You're

late

 

 

Well

no

not

really

You

see

I

just

moved

up

to

this

area

Hey

I've

been

doing

this

kind

of

shit

work

for

years

This

is

This

is

just

beautiful

Wow

 

 

Oh

I

won't

Andrew

will

keep

an

eye

on

you

Maybe

you'd

like

to

take

fingerprints

before

I

get

started

I

was

just

kidding

Don't

walk

so

close

to

me

OK

Where's

your

problem

 

 

In

here

Now

you

can

see

how

inadequate

this

all

is

I

need

new

shoe

racks

for

my

shoes

Uh

excuse

me

I

was

told

that

this

was

some

kind

of

an

emergency

It

is

And

I

need

drawers

for

my

lingerie

I

can't

keep

entering

these

boxes

all

the

time

Hello

Uh

Hey

I'm

sorry

I

understand

now

You

want

me

to

remodel

your

closet

Isn't

that

what

I've

been

explaining

in

some

detail

Is

English

your

second

language

What

is

that

odour

I

don't

smell

anything

Madam

Well

I

almost

had

to

wait

I

got

an

idea

for

a

shoe

rack

right

in

here

maybe

huh

What

is

this

gelatinous

muck

Andrew

when

I

tell

you

to

pack

staples

must

I

specify

that

you

are

to

pack

good

caviar

and

not

this

$

fish

bait

 

Yes

madam

 

and

of

adequate

size

And

it

should

burst

in

your

mouth

at

precisely

the

right

moment

Yes

madam

 

Carpenter

 

You

have

exactly

hours

I

suggest

you

get

started

 

 

Yes

madam

Watch

him

Mais

oui

Bien

sur

Oui

Ecoutez

JeanJacques

Je

vous

telephone

Oh

boy

She

is

really

something

I

know

it

will

cost

me

but

it's

the

cutest

little

painting

I

simply

must

have

it

You'll

do

the

bidding

for

me

But

of

course

 

Bid

 

 

Shit

Grant

I'm

on

the

phone

I

can't

hear

you

tea

rose

I'm

shooting

skeet

 

Pull

 

Pull

Firing

Hello

Forks

were

invented

so

man

could

at

least

make

a

pretence

 

 

 

 

Nothin'

Just

my

stomach

Well

try

to

control

your

bodily

noises

so

I

can

hear

myself

think

And

another

Oregon

good

morning

to

you

Wilbur

Budd

here

with

some

local

items

The

Fraga

Feed

and

Fertilizer

folks

are

hiring

people

to

shovel

the

stuff

Oh

women

are

welcome

too

There's

no

chauvinism

in

the

manure

business

These

gnats

keep

landing

on

my

wet

nail

polish

I

guess

I'm

supposed

to

walk

around

with

their

little

corpses

stuck

to

my

fingers

 

Joanna

please

 

It's

easy

for

you

to

say

You

don't

have

to

sit

out

here

in

the

brine

with

your

perm

frizzing

to

oblivion

I

look

like

a

bushman

Why

don't

you

go

inside

and

get

out

of

the

sea

air

Because

that

Elk

Snout

mountain

man

is

still

working

on

my

closet

He's

sweating

all

over

the

place

I

doubt

if

he's

even

housebroken

 

Oh

I

think

they

housebreak

each

other

 

Ssh

 

 

He's

listening

 

 

He's

been

hanging

on

our

every

word

for

the

last

two

days

It's

your

project

Joanna

You

deal

with

it

 

Come

along

men

 

The

engines

are

ready

sir

Well

let's

get

going

I've

finished

madam

Shall

I

put

your

jewellery

back

on

you

No

I'm

still

tacky

Keep

quiet

for

ten

more

minutes

collect

the

money

and

get

the

hell

outta

here

Well

Are

we

amusing

you

 

 

Uh

well

I'm

done

I'm

finished

 

 

Well

it's

a

shoe

rack

with

a

twist

Uh

You

ready

Just

turn

the

crank

here

those

drop

back

these

split

Gives

you

twice

the

space

Stop

boring

me

with

your

absurdities

What's

it

made

of

It's

called

wood

It's

oak

Oak

An

oak

closet

Huh

Why

am

I

even

amazed

I

don't

know

Why

are

you

amazed

One

would

think

you

would

know

closets

are

made

of

cedar

If

not

we

get

moths

Well

lady

there's

not

a

real

big

moth

problem

off

the

Pacific

coast

But

if

you

want

one

out

of

cedar

that's

fine

I'll

start

all

over

I

just

have

to

tell

ya

that's

gonna

more

than

double

my

estimate

 

 

I've

already

done

this

out

of

oak

so

 

I'm

not

paying

for

your

mistake

 

I'm

not

just

gonna

eat

it

on

this

deal

Why

not

You've

eaten

everything

else

here

And

you

will

eat

it

because

I

wanted

cedar

You

may

have

wanted

cedar

but

you

didn't

ask

for

it

The

entire

civilised

world

knows

closets

are

made

of

cedar

In

Elk

Snout

we

don't

know

about

them

closets

Nor

bathrooms

neither

Shit

woman

You're

lucky

I

am

housebroke

 

 

Well

it

was

kinda

hard

to

avoid

 

You

can

avoid

it

now

you're

fired

 

You're

unbelievable

That's

fine

with

me

Just

pay

me

the

money

you

owe

me

 

The

job

was

not

done

to

my

satisfaction

 

I

got

news

for

you

lady

No

job

will

ever

be

done

to

your

satisfaction

That's

quite

enough

Now

just

get

out

No

problem

Pay

me

the

bucks

you

owe

me

and

I'm

gone

Captain

Karl

Start

up

the

engine

You

know

what

your

problem

is

Huh

You're

so

goddamn

bored

you

gotta

invent

things

to

bitch

about

You

haven't

got

a

single

thing

to

do

except

for

your

hair

Yeah

The

closet

was

fine

You

just

needed

somethin'

to

take

up

your

useless

empty

nailpolishing

toepolishing

richbitch

sun

tanning

days

 

Don't

touch

me

 

Hey

lady

I

may

be

hard

up

but

I

am

not

that

hard

up

And

I'm

not

goin'

anywhere

Hey

 

Damn

you

 

Man

overboard

I'll

get

you

for

this

you

Not

my

tool

belt

You

owe

me

bucks

 

Keep

going

 

If

I

ever

get

you

lady

you're

dead

meat

You

got

that

No

don't

throw

that

I'm

not

bored

I'm

quite

happy

Everyone

wants

to

be

me

You

come

back

here

I

lost

all

my

tools

I'll

loan

you

some

tools

We'll

get

you

some

parttime

work

I

need

a

steady

job

What

about

that

nighttime

thing

I'm

working

on

it

Listen

pretty

soon

we'll

get

that

miniature

golf

course

deal

If

I

can

hang

on

that

long

He

called

you

a

what

Joanna

why

are

you

so

upset

Why

in

the

world

do

you

care

what

some

carpenter

from

Elk

Snout

thinks

of

you

I'm

sure

I'm

just

premenstrual

Then

you

must

go

right

back

to

bed

for

at

least

two

days

Inga

you

don't

shove

the

food

down

Shiitake's

throat

You

place

it

on

her

tongue

Don't

they

have

dogs

in

Sweden

Grant

mentioned

having

a

baby

again

What

should

I

do

Darling

if

you

have

a

baby

you

won't

be

the

baby

any

more

True

Well

I

must

go

Byebye

Mommy

Byebye

sweetie

I'm

not

a

bitch

Andrew

Are

you

going

to

bring

me

my

lemon

or

do

I

have

to

squeeze

it

from

my

hat

Hey

guys

I'm

home

Stay

away

you

wolves

No

Shoo

Bad

dogs

Go

away

Buster

Jackson

Get

back

inside

 

 

Yeah

You

look

like

the

morning

after

Halloween

Probably

had

a

day

like

I

did

 

 

and

I

came

here

to

welcome

your

family

And

what

do

I

get

in

return

 

I

get

toiletpapered

by

your

children

 

They're

just

playin'

around

Just

playin'

around

They

were

about

to

douse

the

toilet

paper

with

gasoline

 

 

Wait

wait

Stop

 

Greg

and

Charlie

Twins

right

 

They're

having

this

arson

period

They

don't

know

this

but

I'm

ahead

of

them

I

got

two

fire

extinguishers

ready

to

go

 

I

didn't

catch

your

name

 

 

 

 

Your

children

are

monsters

 

You

won't

think

that

once

you

know

'em

 

 

Mr

Proffitt

your

children

are

totally

lacking

in

parental

supervision

Hey

you

don't

have

to

tell

me

these

kids

are

lucky

Fine

You

can

joke

all

you

want

but

I

am

serious

about

this

If

you

don't

do

something

I

am

going

to

notify

the

proper

authorities

I

have

had

babysitters

in

here

by

the

dozen

but

I'm

I'm

kinda

low

on

cash

right

now

I'm

new

in

town

but

if

I

get

a

chance

I'll

hire

a

housekeeper

all

right

I'll

believe

it

when

I

see

it

Good

day

Mr

Proffitt

I'm

a

good

father

Ah

what

do

you

know

Joanna

I

want

you

tonight

How

can

you

have

your

period

every

week

You

can

stow

away

with

the

rich

and

famous

to

exotic

ports

of

call

Must

you

watch

that

thing

incessantly

Yes

I

must

It

has

a

tawdry

escapist

quality

that

soothes

my

nerves

What

you

have

to

escape

from

I

can't

possibly

imagine

Grant

I

left

my

wedding

ring

on

the

deck

 

Well

what

can

I

do

 

 

It's

after

midnight

 

I

don't

care

what

time

it

is

I

want

it

now

I

want

to

see

who's

in

the

top

ten

yachts

 

I'll

get

it

 

A

countdown

to

the

world's

ten

best

luxury

yachts

This

is

the

big

league

of

the

seven

seas

The

one

purchase

that

separates

mere

millionaires

from

multimillionaires

Our

number

ten

pick

is

the

Loca

Rohan

a

foot

Saudiowned

dreamboat

docked

in

Tahiti

Number

nine

the

 

Andrew

Grant

Oh

my

hair

Help

Grant

Help

Stop

You

idiots

Another

Oregon

good

morning

to

you

This

is

Wilbur

Budd

here

at

KRAB

the

family

station

run

by

me

and

my

family

Sorry

to

interrupt

the

movie

but

we

got

some

excitement

in

Tillamook

County

I've

got

a

bulletin

for

the

eyewitness

onthespot

KRAB

newsroom

It

seems

a

mystery

woman

was

picked

up

by

the

Elk

Cove

garbage

scow

shortly

after

midnight

They

fished

her

out

of

the

water

and

she's

conscious

but

the

problem

is

she

seems

to

be

suffering

from

amnesia

She

has

no

recollection

of

who

she

is

My

wife

Rose

is

with

the

captain

of

the

garbage

scow

that

picked

up

the

mystery

lady

 

Rose

 

Can

you

tell

us

what

the

woman

was

like

when

you

brought

her

aboard

Yes

We

saw

something

float

in

water

like

this

Just

like

that

just

like

that

We

didn't

know

it

We

bring

on

board

 

 

Yes

We

say

foca

Excuse

me

you

can't

say

that

on

television

No

no

no

no

Foca

Foca

Foca

means

seal

in

portugues

 

Oh

I

see

 

Seal

seal

So

we

bring

 

You

learn

something

every

day

 

 

There

you

have

it

Thank

you

Tunatti

 

Thank

you

Garbage

I

do

for

money

For

love

I

sing

 

In

my

country

I

sing

 

Isn't

that

interesting

 

We

have

a

Renaissance

garbageman

 

We

tell

stories

with

our

songs

Thank

you

Rose

Arnie

can

we

roll

that

tape

now

please

Now

folks

Here's

an

interview

we

taped

earlier

at

the

hospital

Miss

miss

do

you

know

your

name

Of

course

I

know

my

name

It's

Oh

This

is

absurd

I

know

it

It

Get

that

thing

out

of

my

face

What

a

horrible

wig

You

mean

to

tell

me

that

I

have

no

medical

recourse

 

 

Not

unless

she's

Superwoman

Well

what

do

you

know

Extend

your

brain

a

teensy

little

bit

if

possible

You

seem

to

be

suffering

from

a

temporary

amnesia

either

from

the

bump

into

the

garbage

scow

or

the

shock

of

the

cold

water

 

 

Well

we

don't

know

Otherwise

you

seem

to

be

in

excellent

physical

shape

Listen

to

me

medical

people

As

of

now

I

have

a

life

history

of

a

dirty

garbage

scow

and

a

breakfast

of

extremely

runny

eggs

over

easy

Now

I

refuse

refuse

to

be

incarcerated

in

this

semiprivate

room

You

snore

No

efforts

are

being

made

for

anyone

to

locate

Is

that

her

I

demand

you

do

something

Do

you

hear

me

No

I

never

saw

her

before

in

my

life

Mrs

Stayton

has

decided

to

leave

me

Let's

celebrate

Now

Miss

uh

X

we

have

a

comfortable

private

room

for

you

where

you'll

be

safer

we'll

all

be

safer

and

you'll

be

a

lot

more

comfortable

Well

I'm

glad

you've

finally

come

to

your

senses

I

was

prepared

to

sue

you

I

don't

know

who

I

am

but

I'm

sure

I

have

a

lawyer

 

Hey

you

about

done

 

 

 

Hi

this

is

Wilbur

Budd

We

got

some

more

on

that

amnesia

lady

story

down

there

in

Elk

Grove

Wanna

push

in

on

these

Barry

please

Uh

I

saw

some

potato

chips

around

the

corner

Could

I

just

OK

one

bag

I

said

Elk

Grove

before

You

know

I

meant

Elk

Cove

Anything

new

honey

The

mystery

woman

is

still

suffering

from

complete

but

temporary

amnesia

If

you

know

the

identity

of

this

woman

please

contact

Elk

Cove

Hospital

I'll

put

up

the

reward

myself

She's

drivin'

us

crazy

 

Thank

you

Back

to

Wilbur

 

Yo

Dean

 

She's

not

the

nicest

person

around

 

Look

at

this

She

made

some

remarks

about

Rose's

hair

which

I

didn't

care

for

In

any

event

there

she

is

and

this

is

what

she

looks

like

 

That's

her

 

The

bitch

Earlier

today

one

man

arrived

on

the

scene

to

make

an

identification

but

I

can't

believe

it

He's

skippin'

out

on

her

Course

he

is

It's

his

shot

at

freedom

We

should

go

and

see

if

we

can

get

your

money

back

 

Look

he's

gone

 

Not

him

her

She

doesn't

know

who

she

is

Do

you

think

she's

gonna

know

who

I

am

 

Billy

there

is

a

God

and

he

loves

me

 

You're

not

gonna

shave

your

head

No

 

 

I

want

you

to

take

'em

shopping

at

the

Salvation

Army

This

is

illegal

Dean

you're

crazy

I

wondered

if

a

woman

like

that

had

a

husband

 

Oh

yeah

She

does

 

Here's

some

effects

you

may

recognise

Oh

yeah

Nice

panties

Some

initials

here

she

didn't

know

what

they

meant

JS

She

wouldn't

cos

see

I

bought

these

for

her

at

a

garage

sale

 

 

 

Hey

what

else

you

got

in

here

 

We

were

gonna

wire

them

but

now

you're

here

Yeah

That's

her

Oh

yeah

That's

my

little

cookiecutter

 

Quite

a

beauty

 

She's

somethin'

isn't

she

You

got

that

right

Doc

We

got

a

winner

Annie

Stop

I

don't

recognise

this

man

Your

wife's

had

an

almost

total

loss

of

memory

II

can't

believe

she

doesn't

know

her

own

husband

This

missinglink

person

is

not

my

husband

Oh

Annie

please

 

 

That's

not

right

That's

not

my

name

This

is

completely

crazy

Honey

sit

down

Everything's

gonna

be

OK

Now

I

am

your

husband

My

name

is

Dean

Proffitt

We've

been

married

for

years

Wait

I

admit

I

have

forgotten

numerous

things

But

I

truly

from

the

depths

of

my

soul

do

not

remember

you

Don't

you

think

there'd

be

some

spark

of

recognition

 

We

don't

know

 

Maybe

you'll

spark

to

this

Ugh

I

don't

believe

this

He

could

be

some

stranger

off

the

street

Well

he

seems

to

like

you

and

he's

a

nice

guy

 

He's

goodlookin'

 

 

What's

my

full

name

 

Oh

come

on

 

 

Mrs

Annie

Proffitt

 

What's

my

maiden

name

 

Annie

Goolihy

Where

in

God's

name

did

I

grow

up

Dogpatch

No

no

not

there

Over

in

Goober

Idaho

But

it's

a

nuclear

waste

dump

now

 

 

Hank's

Donut

World

Seattle

You

hung

out

there

every

night

when

you

were

in

the

Navy

 

 

I've

still

got

your

postcards

from

Okinawa

Stop

The

Navy

Oh

come

on

honey

You

gotta

know

You

were

in

the

Navy

No

I

don't

know

I

don't

know

any

of

this

and

I

don't

know

you

I

need

some

proof

Stop

staring

at

me

Eat

your

chequers

Look

if

it

were

up

to

us

we'd

be

glad

to

give

her

to

you

but

she's

right

I'm

gonna

need

some

verification

Oh

listen

I

know

what

you

mean

I

understand

Now

I

don't

like

to

talk

about

this

in

public

and

I've

never

told

anybody

She

does

have

a

small

strawberrylike

birthmark

uh

It's

kinda

high

up

on

her

left

cheek

and

it's

unique

Come

to

Daddy

Mister

What

was

I

doing

out

in

the

ocean

Um

That's

something

you

like

to

do

You

know

divin'

for

oysters

at

night

Sometimes

you

get

pretty

far

from

the

shore

and

that

undertow

Oysters

In

a

cold

ocean

at

night

That

doesn't

sound

like

me

I

just

ate

a

bug

Keep

your

mouth

closed

A

lot

of

things

flying

around

out

here

Welcome

home

baby

I

feel

faint

Come

on

Buster

Come

on

Jackson

No

This

is

wrong

Come

along

now

We've

only

been

here

a

couple

of

weeks

A

lot

of

stuff's

in

boxes

from

the

move

so

I

hardly

recognise

the

place

myself

We

moved

here

deliberately

Our

last

place

was

a

real

dump

Come

on

Our

new

palace

Well

Let

me

uh

Let

me

show

you

around

Maybe

something'll

come

back

to

you

 

 

Look

at

that

It's

comin'

back

already

Everything

slants

down

here

toward

the

bedroom

Dining

room

and

toilet

Only

one

And

here

we

are

at

the

old

uh

magic

room

Put

a

lot

of

miles

on

that

mattress

huh

Later

All

right

Here's

where

we

have

breakfast

every

morning

Let's

go

up

Ohho

Here

they

come

 

Charlie

tried

to

kill

my

turtle

 

He

didn't

It

slipped

out

of

his

hands

 

He

did

 

Hey

hey

guys

Whoa

Whoa

Hey

look

who's

home

 

Hi

Mom

 

Hi

Mom

Gee

Mom

We

really

missed

you

We're

so

glad

you're

back

They're

They're

not

mine

Oh

honey

I

was

sure

you'd

remember

them

Well

I

think

I'd

remember

if

I

had

three

Four

honey

Don't

forget

little

Joe

Well

that's

about

it

except

for

Hey

she's

been

in

there

an

hour

What

did

you

guys

get

her

 

 

You

didn't

tell

us

You

just

said

get

some

dresses

OK

on

the

couch

Come

on

guys

don't

blow

it

Hey

a

dirty

magazine

Baby

doll

This

garment

cannot

possibly

be

a

part

of

my

wardrobe

Let's

forget

for

a

moment

that

it's

a

rag

but

it

happens

to

be

sizes

too

large

 

It's

It's

not

that

bad

 

Well

come

on

honey

You

gotta

admit

you've

lost

a

lot

of

weight

Huh

You

used

to

be

like

a

balloon

 

 

Yes

Yes

you

had

a

bad

back

You

walked

kinda

hunched

over

you

know

I

was

short

and

fat

Look

I'm

sure

you've

got

a

million

questions

You've

been

through

hell

So

let's

just

take

this

thing

one

step

at

a

time

First

let's

meet

the

boys

In

the

middle

we've

got

the

twins

Greg

and

Charlie

He

likes

to

invent

things

 

 

Yeah

Obviously

they're

not

identical

 

Or

I'd

look

like

a

shithead

 

Who

asked

you

butthole

They

came

out

fighting

and

they're

still

at

it

Guys

guys

Charlie

and

I

get

along

very

well

Mom

My

twin

brother

and

I

are

best

friends

He's

the

actor

in

the

family

Then

we

got

the

big

guy

 

pounds

ounces

Come

on

honey

give

it

a

try

What's

his

name

Roy

No

Travis

Sweet

Trav

 

Now

those

are

tits

 

My

turn

Hey

what

are

you

I

was

hopin'

you'd

recall

this

guy

He's

your

newest

honey

Hi

Mom

My

name's

Joe

 

 

Ah

he

thinks

he's

Pee

Wee

Herman

I

love

Pee

Wee

Herman

Ha

ha

 

 

No

No

No

Do

they

have

a

problem

with

their

glands

Hey

hey

guys

easy

Come

on

It's

not

us

Dad

it's

Roy

Ah

they're

great

boys

aren't

they

There's

so

many

of

them

You've

always

had

your

heart

set

on

six

so

we'll

just

keep

on

tryin'

Dad

They're

making

me

drink

blood

 

Come

back

here

 

No

no

no

They

don't

look

anything

like

me

They

do

take

after

your

mother

Let's

hope

they

don't

grow

up

to

be

lushes

too

 

My

mother's

a

lush

 

Was

honey

 

 

She's

 

 

Oh

he's

alive

and

well

 

And

due

for

parole

in

what

two

years

 

Oh

God

I

don't

wanna

hear

any

more

 

 

The

doctor

says

the

best

thing

for

you

is

to

get

back

to

your

normal

routine

You

gotta

get

your

memory

back

that

way

You

gotta

do

what

you

normally

do

What

is

it

I

normally

do

I

prepared

and

handled

raw

food

I

hunt

it

You

cook

it

 

 

Come

on

honey

Save

the

jokes

We're

starvin'

here

Yeah

It's

strange

but

ooh

I

feel

as

if

I've

never

done

this

before

in

my

life

Dad

are

you

and

Uncle

Billy

really

gonna

open

a

miniature

golf

course

Nah

We'll

just

build

it

when

someone

pays

for

it

 

What's

miniature

golf

 

For

midget

brains

like

you

 

 

You

shut

up

You're

gonna

make

that

turtle

sick

again

You

gotta

breathe

on

it

Look

at

me

Dad

Nothing's

happening

Well

pumpkin

you

gotta

light

the

burner

 

seconds

 

 

Fire

fire

Hey

come

here

Sit

down

 

 

I

smell

hair

I'll

get

the

burn

ointment

You'll

be

all

right

Ouch

OK

let's

see

we

Way

to

hustle

guys

You

all

right

Well

now

we

know

they

work

 

Pretty

good

eats

 

Where

are

you

going

Out

I

go

out

every

night

after

dinner

Meet

the

boys

at

the

bowling

alley

for

a

couple

of

beers

 

Don't

leave

me

alone

with

them

 

Come

on

honey

That's

not

fair

You

know

we

live

like

this

Never

bothered

you

before

It's

just

the

way

it

is

You'd

better

get

used

to

it

When

are

you

coming

home

When

I

feel

like

it

It

just

depends

on

how

drunk

I

get

How's

it

goin'

with

your

debutante

She's

one

lousy

cook

But

as

long

as

I

don't

have

to

do

it

 

 

Let's

see

bucks

a

day

huh

Figure

little

wifeypoo

can

work

off

what

she

owes

me

in

a

little

over

a

month

 

Your

first

night

with

her

huh

 

Uhhuh

Come

on

huh

I'm

not

gonna

tell

you

she

doesn't

have

a

great

body

And

a

pretty

decent

face

Ah

she's

too

rich

for

my

blood

Chocolate

cake's

a

bit

rich

too

but

I'd

like

to

eat

one

once

in

a

while

Not

my

style

Course

eating

a

whole

cake

isn't

either

But

I'm

gonna

have

some

fun

with

her

tonight

 

 

What

are

you

drinkin'

Some

rotgut

Cheapest

stuff

they

got

Perfect

Wait

You

jumped

my

bones

the

first

night

we

met

 

 

Well

I

couldn't

call

it

a

date

really

We

just

did

it

right

there

in

the

parking

lot

of

the

Eleven

 

I'm

a

slut

 

Nothing

 

Ooh

 

Oh

Hey

I'm

a

little

drunk

tonight

baby

so

you

know

it

might

take

me

a

while

to

get

there

Oh

What

No

boomboom

Well

hey

I

understand

You

probably

just

wanna

go

right

to

sleep

and

skip

the

fun

stuff

huh

 

 

Thank

you

No

boomboom

 

 

 

 

You

see

honey

you've

got

a

bad

back

because

the

bed's

too

soft

for

you

That's

why

you

always

sleep

on

the

livingroom

couch

I'm

a

short

fat

slut

Get

off

of

my

body

Rover

 

Up

up

up

up

up

Come

on

 

Help

Help

Time

to

get

up

Gotta

fix

the

kids'

lunches

or

they'll

miss

the

bus

for

school

I

don't

care

if

they

don't

go

to

school

OK

They'll

just

be

with

you

all

day

Bye

Mom

Whoa

whoa

the

bus

is

here

 

let's

go

Hurry

up

Mom

Roy

Roy

My

name

is

Travis

Travis

Travis

Come

on

Joey

Stop

honking

Twin

Oh

twin

She

means

you

Have

a

good

day

at

school

honey

You

ready

You

ready

Come

on

come

on

Bye

Mom

You're

doin'

a

great

job

I'm

off

to

work

Somebody's

gotta

keep

this

family

in

the

lap

of

luxury

I

figured

you'd

forget

so

I

made

it

for

you

myself

 

 

See

ya

tonight

 

 

D

Zippety

doo

dah

D

Zippety

yay

D

My

oh

my

I

got

a

wonderful

slave

And

you

are

a

genius

You're

living

in

a

nightmare

that

starts

at

the

crack

of

dawn

Down

Down

 

Jim

Dandy

to

the

rescue

~

 

Jim

Dandy

to

the

rescue

~

 

Jim

Dandy

to

the

rescue

~

 

Go

Jim

Dandy

Go

Jim

Dandy

~

 

Go

Jim

Dandy

Go

Jim

Dandy

~

Dinner

Dinner

She

needs

food

This

is

fun

Hey

guys

 

What's

goin'

on

here

 

Nothing

We're

OK

We're

fine

 

 

Oh

no

What's

wrong

with

her

She's

been

like

that

for

an

hour

now

 

She's

getting

better

though

 

Yeah

she's

not

going

"Bababa"

Babababababa

 

 

She

ripped

the

sucker's

head

off

I

like

when

she

goes

Babababa

bababa

Hey

Baby

doll

What's

for

dinner

Bubububububu

babahaha

OK

I'll

take

it

from

here

Go

on

get

upstairs

 

 

Nah

she'll

be

all

right

Come

on

guys

Move

it

Feel

better

I

don't

belong

here

I

feel

it

Don't

you

think

I

feel

it

I

can't

do

any

of

these

vile

things

and

I

wouldn't

want

to

My

life

is

like

death

My

children

are

the

spawn

of

hell

and

you're

the

devil

Oh

God

Baby

we

like

you

She's

OK

She's

doin'

the

dishes

 

No

more

"bababababa"

 

 

 

 

Will

she

figure

out

we're

tricking

her

 

Not

if

we

don't

blow

it

 

What

are

you

doin'

 

Memorawhat

Scrapbooks

Photographs

Something

that

will

spark

some

wisp

of

a

memory

Do

we

or

do

we

not

possess

these

things

Uh

well

Do

you

mean

to

tell

me

there

is

no

photographic

evidence

of

our

life

together

anywhere

in

existence

Well

I

don't

know

where

they'd

be

because

uh

you

know

we

lost

a

lot

of

stuff

in

the

move

And

it's

possible

that

uh

we

lost

The

closet

and

you

That's

right

This

is

me

and

I'm

standing

in

front

of

the

closet

Something's

familiar

You

got

it

We

used

to

do

it

in

the

closet

Oh

stop

with

the

sex

stories

You're

grumpy

because

you've

been

busy

I

want

you

to

stop

everything

go

on

in

here

take

a

bath

Hey

guys

Get

the

turtle

out

of

the

bathtub

I'll

look

for

the

pictures

first

thing

in

the

morning

OK

All

right

Good

night

honey

 

Somebody

better

be

dead

 

Billy

Billy

I

want

you

to

do

me

a

favour

 

Who

you

talkin'

to

 

 

Who's

that

 

Hey

is

that

Dean

 

Hi

Dean

Come

on

in

 

Go

back

to

bed

Gertie

 

If

you

treat

me

like

that

I'm

goin'

home

 

Come

on

Gertie

don't

be

like

that

Remember

in

high

school

you

faked

our

IDs

I

need

a

fake

bride

 

Come

on

Dean

I'm

busy

 

Not

any

more

She's

goin'

home

OK

but

if

we

get

caught

it's

your

ass

It's

my

wedding

day

Why

do

I

look

so

annoyed

Oh

yeah

Your

dad

showed

up

shitfaced

He

threw

potato

salad

all

over

my

mom

We

had

to

throw

him

out

Why

do

I

always

have

this

depressed

look

on

my

face

You

were

grumpy

a

lot

You

were

losing

the

weight

then

you

gained

it

back

 

Thin

fat

thin

fat

 

Was

I

always

this

miserable

 

Wasn't

I

ever

happy

 

Well

sure

honey

Lots

You

were

the

happiest

little

wife

and

mother

around

Look

at

this

Before

you

lost

the

weight

Can

you

believe

it

All

right

Now

that's

it

Are

you

satisfied

 

 

I

suppose

I

belong

here

in

this

hovel

Come

on

Jackson

Well

this

is

my

life

I

didn't

marry

very

well

did

I

 

Your

body

~

I

love

LA

I

love

all

my

starlets

 

 

Tofutti

I

love

it

If

that's

my

motherinlaw

I'm

not

here

You're

Kim

and

Kimberly

 

 

Hello

Andrew

It's

Mrs

Mintz

I'm

so

virile

I'm

so

rich

I'd

like

to

speak

to

my

daughter

They're

not

here

madam

They've

gone

shopping

Uh

a

little

bit

lower

Yeah

Yeah

lower

That's

good

That's

good

 

 

Why

does

he

keep

staring

at

me

 

 

with

his

mouth

open

all

through

dinner

Well

honey

Billy

was

your

highschool

boyfriend

You

don't

get

any

of

the

old

feelings

back

when

you

look

at

him

do

you

I

don't

wanna

do

it

You

gotta

do

it

if

you

wanna

be

a

gruesome

ghoul

It's

part

of

the

initiation

Think

about

it

That's

good

Thanks

a

lot

Ah

yeah

Uh

sugarlips

I

think

our

guest

needs

another

beer

Uh

well

I

really

shouldn't

but

maybe

uh

just

one

more

sixpack

 

Attagirl

 

That's

all

the

beer

Whoa

buttercup

Just

about

time

for

dessert

 

 

I

didn't

make

any

 

 

 

 

My

ideas

always

work

I'm

gifted

I

loved

it

when

you

glued

Joey

to

the

toilet

seat

I

was

thinking

about

it

at

work

We

need

a

theme

for

the

golf

course

We

can

use

a

few

contraptions

you

can

knock

some

golf

balls

through

 

What's

the

score

I

had

my

eyes

closed

 

 

 

Who's

winning

 

The

guys

with

 

 

Great

 

Who

did

this

Travis

Hey

honey

what

happened

Oooh

This

happened

 

You

guys

are

beggin'

for

it

 

Stop

blustering

You

won't

punish

them

Ease

up

there

love

chop

Just

ease

up

Ease

up

Ease

up

Since

I

walked

through

that

door

I

have

cooked

cleaned

scrubbed

chopped

wood

I've

waited

on

you

your

dogs

your

kids

and

your

friends

in

the

hopes

that

I

would

remember

some

shred

of

my

life

and

now

it

is

entirely

clear

to

me

why

I've

chosen

to

block

it

out

 

Now

none

of

this

ever

 

Well

it

bothers

me

now

 

All

right

Joe

 

Hey

hey

Joe

Come

on

guys

No

more

jokes

on

Mom

today

huh

You

really

got

her

where

you

want

her

I

got

everything

under

control

don't

worry

 

This

is

flat

Give

me

another

one

Billy

 

We're

just

gonna

have

to

send

out

the

old

ball

and

chain

to

buy

some

more

Good

stuff

Your

chocolate

cream

pie

Thanks

honey

I

guess

it's

kinda

tough

to

serve

with

your

hands

stuck

to

plates

Honey

we

need

forks

 

Sugarlips

 

Wait

a

minute

Fire

fire

fire

 

Yeah

 

OK

guys

go

get

her

Hey

thanks

for

a

lovely

dinner

 

 

She

did

it

now

 

Look

at

this

I

gotta

go

to

work

 

Wait

for

me

She

went

this

way

guys

Gruesome

ghouls

attack

 

What

should

I

do

Travis

 

Go

home

I

got

you

 

Tickle

her

 

She's

ticklish

Ow

that

hurts

Ow

Leave

me

alone

All

right

time

to

get

up

Go

to

the

bathroom

and

do

what

you

normally

do

 

 

That's

up

to

you

 

 

Joey

come

on

Time

to

get

up

I

don't

want

to

The

teacher's

a

big

fat

tub

Proffitt

boys

come

up

here

Miss

Pitcannon

tells

me

you

don't

wanna

take

these

tests

I'm

itchin'

and

I

wanna

go

home

You

may

go

stand

in

the

corner

until

you

can

talk

like

a

little

boy

All

of

you

children

are

new

in

this

school

These

scores

will

determine

your

placement

in

future

classes

 

You

must

concentrate

Greg

Stop

that

 

 

I'm

in

real

bad

shape

 

Nonsense

Now

if

you

concentrate

I'm

sure

you

can

control

those

little

bodies

I

see

that

Amanda

Joey

sit

 

 

You

have

a

mother

now

Your

father

remarried

Um

yeah

We

got

a

new

mother

now

Well

good

Then

I'm

calling

both

your

parents

Mrs

Burbridge

I'm

Annie

Proffitt

What

happened

Well

Mrs

Proffitt

apparently

your

children

consider

themselves

above

taking

the

SchwartzmanHeinliken

tests

I'm

sorry

What

are

the

SchwartzmanHeinliken

tests

Placement

tests

They

are

very

valuable

in

measuring

intelligence

and

potential

Sit

still

Your

children

are

a

discipline

problem

I

know

I

have

had

difficulties

myself

 

 

Oh

They

decided

to

play

sick

And

not

very

convincingly

Now

I

believe

their

problems

exist

because

of

deficient

parental

guidance

The

children

are

slovenly

incorrigible

and

being

reared

by

a

father

who

clearly

isn't

concerned

about

their

welfare

but

is

himself

just

a

large

child

 

Excuse

me

Mrs

Burbridge

 

Oh

the

test

results

Thank

you

I'll

look

these

over

as

soon

as

I'm

finished

with

this

woman

Oh

my

God

I'll

see

you

later

in

the

cafeteria

Mrs

Burbridge

would

you

come

over

here

for

a

moment

Has

it

escaped

your

attention

that

these

children

have

headtotoe

poison

oak

Well

no

Yes

but

But

what

My

children

are

in

need

of

medical

assistance

And

you

can

sit

here

and

smugly

lecture

me

on

the

importance

of

tests

Tests

which

label

children's

potential

 

a

thing

which

cannot

be

measured

Least

of

all

by

analcompulsive

Huns

And

my

husband

may

be

a

large

child

but

that's

none

of

your

business

And

my

children

may

be

rotten

but

they're

mine

And

I

think

that

they're

bright

and

sensitive

So

I

have

no

doubts

whatsoever

about

their

intelligence

I

do

however

have

serious

doubts

about

yours

Kids

get

in

the

car

Let's

go

Move

 

 

Discipline

problem

My

regards

to

Schwartzman

and

Heinliken

I

can't

stop

itching

Well

what

do

you

expect

when

you

roll

around

in

poison

oak

What

I

want

you

to

do

what

the

doctor

said

is

put

it

right

on

the

red

parts

OK

Soon

we're

going

to

clean

up

this

room

because

it's

a

disgrace

 

 

Dad

lets

us

do

whatever

we

want

Yeah

well

it's

trickling

down

the

stairway

Joey

don't

Don't

get

that

near

your

eyes

Look

I

want

you

to

read

this

See

what

it

says

Don't

get

near

your

eyes

Read

on

 

What's

this

all

about

 

He's

embarrassed

cos

he

can't

read

 

Well

he's

a

small

child

 

He

can't

read

for

a

small

child

either

The

teacher

makes

fun

of

him

OK

we'll

talk

about

this

later

Go

to

sleep

 

Dean

 

 

Dean

 

Yeah

 

 

Out

If

I

could

ever

find

my

Oh

wait

Wait

Not

tonight

We

have

to

talk

 

When

I

get

home

I'm

in

a

hurry

 

Now

You

know

I

let

the

water

routine

slide

by

the

other

day

but

let's

not

push

it

OK

I

got

a

little

carried

away

with

the

hose

but

this

is

important

OK

fine

What's

on

your

mind

sugarlips

Stop

calling

me

sugarlips

I

have

a

name

Call

me

Annie

Get

to

the

point

Annie

I'm

busy

The

guys

are

waitin'

for

me

You

can't

run

out

every

time

things

get

complicated

here

The

kids

are

sick

They

got

calamine

lotion

What

do

you

want

me

to

do

 

Take

on

some

grownup

responsibility

 

I

earn

the

money

That's

a

responsibility

Are

you

aware

that

Joey

can't

read

That

Travis

only

reads

smut

magazines

 

I

can't

get

him

out

of

the

bathroom

 

He's

I'll

build

you

another

bathroom

They

don't

need

that

They

need

guidance

from

you

Ohohoh

Now

don't

you

worry

about

me

and

my

boys

OK

We're

pals

They

have

enough

pals

They

need

a

father

Hey

hey

hey

look

I

decided

a

long

time

before

you

you

and

me

We

decided

a

long

time

ago

before

we

started

this

family

we'd

raise

these

kids

naturally

not

force

bullshit

rules

I'm

not

talking

about

discipline

I'm

talking

Stuff

you

shouldn't

be

talking

about

It's

none

of

your

business

anyway

 

 

Look

I

have

Now

I'm

late

Thanks

a

lot

Appreciate

it

Say

Annie

Are

you

asleep

No

Go

away

Uh

listen

I'm

I'm

sorry

I

came

down

on

you

so

hard

before

It's

OK

Just

so

you

won't

think

I

don't

appreciate

all

the

work

you're

doin'

in

the

house

and

how

you

handle

the

kids

and

all

that

uh

You

know

I

think

you're

doin'

great

I

mean

what

you

said

about

me

and

the

boys

tonight

uh

I

guess

you

probably

You

know

maybe

you

got

a

small

point

there

and

I

just

I

can't

I

can't

talk

to

you

while

you're

turned

away

 

 

 

No

 

Because

I'm

so

ugly

I

got

poison

oak

too

Come

on

now

Nobody

cares

what

you

look

like

I

mean

we

do

like

the

way

you

look

Normally

you

look

real

pretty

You

just

don't

now

All

right

forget

it

I

don't

even

have

a

wedding

ring

 

 

OK

come

on

Come

on

Let's

go

Oh

no

I'm

not

going

back

in

the

water

barrel

I'm

puttin'

you

in

the

bedroom

I'll

take

the

couch

Oh

hey

listen

I've

had

poison

oak

a

million

times

Come

on

guys

Up

Up

Yeah

You

know

I

once

got

poison

oak

on

my

bu

back

And

uh

Well

don't

you

worry

It'll

be

gone

in

no

time

Lift

your

head

 

That's

it

Is

that

better

 

 

 

Tell

me

something

about

my

life

about

my

past

Please

Something

not

horrible

Uh

OK

Yeah

Well

there

was

that

time

uh

when

you

were

uh

You

were

working

at

yeah

Burger

Boy

over

in

Lewisville

And

uh

this

kid

started

choking

on

a

French

fry

Everybody

there

panicked

including

me

except

for

you

You

ran

over

to

him

and

you

gave

him

that

Heimlich

manoeuvre

where

you

And

poof

The

kid

puked

up

the

fry

and

they

named

you

Burger

Boy

employee

of

the

month

It

was

great

They

put

your

picture

above

the

cash

register

and

I

was

really

proud

of

you

I

mean

it

You

can

be

quite

charming

when

you

wanna

be

Ah

You

just

caught

me

on

a

bad

day

Good

night

Annie

Good

night

 

Heads

up

 

After

I

finished

with

the

Coast

Guard

I

looked

up

Dean

We

used

to

play

football

together

Used

to

call

him

Mean

Dean

Proffitt

Used

to

call

me

Bad

Billy

Pratt

 

Out

 

Now

Billy

when

did

we

date

Let's

eat

 

 

Yeah

The

guys

with

suits

come

down

in

less

than

a

week

What

do

you

think

about

this

huh

Sink

'Em

and

Drink

'Em

 

holes

based

on

famous

breweries

I

think

what

I

thought

yesterday

It's

a

lousy

idea

I

thought

you'd

change

your

mind

now

you're

sober

What

about

other

places

Foreign

places

What

do

you

mean

Like

France

or

Africa

Mais

oui

La

Tour

Eiffel

comme

c'est

jolie

I

speak

French

It

just

came

out

Do

I

know

what

I

said

Yes

I

do

I

must

have

learned

that

in

Paris

When

was

I

in

Paris

In

the

Navy

 

 

Well

it's

a

stupid

idea

in

any

language

Besides

we're

building

these

things

in

America

Wait

a

minute

This

isn't

a

bad

idea

I

could

invent

some

wild

things

here

Go

on

Well

like

uh

the

Taj

Mahal

Seven

Wonders

of

the

World

 

Bring

them

to

the

people

of

Elk

Cove

 

Well

I

gotta

bring

it

in

for

a

price

I

can

bring

it

in

but

can

you

draw

me

some

pictures

so

I

can

see

what

you

mean

Annie

 

What's

this

 

Hey

Trav

Don't

knock

her

up

 

 

Oh

Mom

Yeah

"Oh

Mom"

Watch

your

language

Come

on

What

are

you

talkin'

about

 

 

 

 

There's

Mount

Rushmore

 

 

Parthenon

right

 

St

Basil's

the

Russian

cathedral

 

Grand

Canyon

Everybody'll

love

that

 

 

It's

expensive

I

gotta

build

If

it

rains

Hey

fibreglass

Perfect

Let's

clean

up

for

an

early

dinner

I've

got

a

lot

of

drawing

to

do

Isn't

Dad

gonna

eat

with

us

tonight

No

He

had

to

go

out

 

 

It's

pretty

hard

to

go

bowling

without

a

bowling

ball

D

I

know

I

done

you

wrong

d

Do

you

remember

that

rainy

evening

I

put

you

out

d

With

nothin'

but

a

finetoothed

comb

What

would

you

want

with

old

sweetmouth

D

Ain't

that

a

shame

I

know

I'm

to

blame

d

Bill

Bailey

won't

you

please

come

home

Scott

Murphy

bring

your

invoice

up

to

the

front

This

ain't

your

average

pile

of

fertiliser

here

Uhuh

No

siree

This

here's

a

special

blend

Fish

heads

shrimp

skins

crab

claws

earthworm

droppings

I

don't

wanna

know

that

much

about

it

 

 

After

this

you

get

to

shovel

fish

guts

If

you're

lucky

we'll

let

you

clean

the

truck

 

 

Oh

stop

fussing

You

look

great

Well

they

put

their

pants

on

just

like

me

one

leg

at

a

time

Now

don't

be

nervous

OK

If

you

don't

get

it

so

what

We've

been

through

rougher

times

than

these

before

I

think

Gentlemen

this

is

Dean

Proffitt

inventor

and

master

craftsman

What

we're

here

for

this

evening

is

this

It's

the

Wonders

of

the

World

miniature

golf

course

If

you

look

at

these

pictures

you

can

begin

to

sort

of

feel

What

we're

trying

to

do

is

bring

some

of

this

outer

world

here

into

Elk

Cove

The

Leaning

Tower

of

Pizza

doubles

as

a

pizza

stand

That

sort

of

gives

us

an

idea

of

where

we

might

go

in

the

future

Oh

shit

I'm

sorry

Here

let

me

get

that

Waitress

Get

over

here

will

you

Have

you

ever

been

nervous

in

your

life

Go

ahead

ask

me

Ask

me

if

we

got

the

money

Did

you

get

the

money

 

We

got

the

money

 

Oooh

great

 

That's

so

great

 

Can

you

believe

it

Step

up

She

rolls

up

here

and

down

It's

got

three

choices

This

time

it's

going

through

the

oil

funnel

past

the

plastic

fan

into

the

kids'

sand

shovel

and

flour

sifter

Now

turn

around

quick

Here

it

comes

It

should

be

out

about

now

 

OK

now

show

me

your

invention

 

You're

gonna

hate

it

I'm

not

gonna

hate

it

I

love

'em

That's

nice

I

gotta

tell

her

Billy

I

gotta

tell

Annie

the

truth

In

the

beginning

it

was

OK

because

it

was

part

of

a

gag

Now

it's

more

like

lies

I

I

know

what

you're

thinkin'

 

Hey

I'm

not

thinkin'

anything

 

Yeah

you

are

and

I'm

gonna

tell

her

I

know

it's

time

to

tell

her

Ooh

Dr

Death

looks

mad

 

Joker's

saying

"No"

 

I

will

re

re

re

 

#ЗНАЧ

 

 

Good

That's

very

good

sweetie

Are

you

gonna

leave

No

I'm

your

mommy

 

I'm

not

going

anywhere

 

Well

I

guess

maybe

they

do

But

I'm

not

gonna

go

anywhere

Good

Oooh

what

is

this

Is

this

a

present

for

me

 

 

I'll

always

wear

it

 

Hey

Dad

 

Hi

How's

it

goin'

guys

I

got

the

part

of

Tiny

Tim

in

the

school

play

 

 

I'm

flunkin'

math

Well

I

guess

we

better

work

on

it

later

on

huh

You're

just

in

time

Dr

Death

is

on

the

rampage

Annie

I

need

to

talk

to

you

Alone

guys

 

 

Uh

well

No

Uh

yeah

Yeah

No

I

just

I

need

to

tell

you

somethin'

Here

sit

down

What

is

it

Annie

I've

done

I've

done

something

that

um

I'm

ashamed

of

And

I

just

 

 

 

 

You

don't

have

to

be

ashamed

because

you

shovel

fish

guts

I'm

proud

of

you

no

matter

what

you

do

 

 

Uh

well

that's

one

of

the

things

but

I

No

Not

really

What

is

it

Annie

I

I

God

I

forgot

your

birthday

 

It's

my

birthday

 

Come

on

Get

dressed

D

Jim

Dandy

to

the

rescue

d

Jim

Dandy

to

the

rescue

d

Jim

Dandy

to

the

rescue

d

Go

Jim

Dandy

Go

Jim

Dandy

D

I'm

sittin'

on

a

mountain

top

d

feet

to

drop

d

Spied

a

lady

on

a

runaway

horse

d

Uhhuh

that's

right

of

course

D

Jim

Dandy

to

the

rescue

d

Go

Jim

Dandy

Go

Jim

Dandy

 

Come

on

I've

had

it

 

What

Are

we

goin'

home

 

 

 

Oh

no

I

just

Aren't

you

hot

 

Yeah

Let's

go

outside

 

Come

on

 

Hey

let's

not

forget

this

It's

$

a

pop

Don't

worry

about

what

it

costs

It's

your

birthday

I

got

it

covered

Just

one

last

toast

to

your

birthday

Oh

Whoops

I

lost

my

bottom

Wait

a

minute

There

They

always

do

that

Now

this

is

 

Happy

birthday

Annie

 

Thanks

Dean

 

I've

never

tasted

anything

quite

like

this

 

It's

good

stuff

Boy

it

sure

is

pretty

isn't

it

Why

do

they

honk

three

times

To

signal

they're

comin'

home

Yeah

it's

a

legend

of

Arturo

who

was

a

Portuguese

fisherman

He

met

this

beautiful

girl

his

first

night

in

town

Catarina

And

um

eventually

they

fell

in

love

But

the

problem

was

that

Catarina's

father

was

the

territorial

governor

He

didn't

want

his

only

little

girl

to

be

with

a

lowly

fisherman

So

he

told

Arturo

that

he'd

have

to

ship

off

which

he

did

but

he

told

Catarina

he'd

be

back

for

her

and

when

he

came

back

he'd

signal

with

three

long

blasts

so

she

could

dive

off

the

rocks

and

swim

to

the

boat

and

they'd

be

on

their

way

Oh

I

love

this

story

So

a

year

later

everything

went

as

planned

But

when

she

was

swimmin'

out

to

the

boat

the

fog

got

so

thick

that

uh

she

couldn't

find

the

boat

Arturo

panicked

and

he

called

out

"Catarina

Catarina"

Catarina

yelled

back

"Arturo"

With

that

he

dove

right

off

the

boat

into

the

icy

waters

and

they

 

 

No

they

drowned

They

never

found

each

other

and

they

drowned

 

Oh

that's

a

terrible

story

 

Yeah

but

the

legend

is

they

reunited

at

the

bottom

of

the

sea

right

over

there

and

every

time

you

see

the

spray

goin'

up

it's

them

 

 

For

ever

and

ever

D

For

I

can't

help

d

Falling

in

love

Dean

What

Annie

How

old

am

I

 

 

 

Was

it

always

like

this

Every

time

with

you

is

like

the

first

time

Oh

come

on

guys

Hey

let

us

sleep

for

a

while

Right

that's

it

I'm

gonna

spank

'em

 

No

Dean

please

don't

 

Every

one

of

them's

gonna

get

it

Surprise

 

A

washing

machine

 

Honey

it's

so

expensive

No

shit

Thank

you

She

might

have

no

tits

but

she

has

a

nice

ass

Grant

Edith

Hello

This

is

ludicrous

Grant

I

have

called

every

week

for

two

months

I've

looked

forward

to

each

call

Do

you

have

the

gall

to

tell

me

that

I've

missed

her

again

 

She's

sleeping

 

I

don't

believe

you

Grant

if

you

do

not

produce

Joanna

in

one

week

I

am

going

to

hire

a

mass

of

mercenaries

to

hunt

you

down

and

chop

off

the

protruding

parts

of

your

body

Is

that

clear

I'll

find

her

I

mean

you'll

have

your

daughter

soon

Bye

Andrew

Point

the

boat

back

to

Elk

Snout

You

and

Mommy

are

going

to

take

a

little

trip

aren't

we

We's

gonna

go

byebye

yes

 

Sit

there

and

don't

get

dirty

 

It's

not

so

bad

to

get

dressed

up

every

once

in

a

while

It's

like

the

goddamn

Brady

Bunch

 

Dad's

here

 

Mom

Dad's

home

Hey

guys

I

gotta

go

put

on

a

suit

Gertie's

picking

me

up

How

can

you

go

hunting

on

such

an

important

day

 

Easy

Pheasant

don't

play

miniature

golf

 

Hunting

calms

Billy

down

honey

 

 

Billy

hang

this

guy

out

Sweetie

I'll

be

ready

in

a

second

I

lent

the

station

wagon

to

Gertie

so

we

have

to

take

the

truck

God

What

a

mess

Feathers

JS

Honey

would

you

hand

me

a

towel

there

Thanks

What

What

is

this

No

that's

my

question

They

were

in

the

truck

These

are

I

dunno

what

these

are

I

Who

Here

I

uh

we

gotta

get

going

We're

gonna

be

late

Thanks

for

putting

my

clothes

on

the

bed

 

Oh

stop

it

 

This

is

nothing

Nothing

I

gave

you

the

best

years

of

my

life

I've

raised

your

children

I

bore

your

fruit

four

times

and

you

tell

me

this

is

nothing

You're

making

a

big

deal

out

of

a

little

thing

It's

the

number

one

cause

of

divorce

in

this

country

Where's

my

jacket

What

divorce

What

are

you

saying

 

I'm

saying

what

I'm

saying

 

You're

saying

what

you're

saying

 

What

you

wanna

divorce

 

Well

uh

yeah

maybe

I

do

 

Well

you

can't

have

one

 

Oh

really

I

can

have

a

divorce

 

 

I

don't

need

your

permission

Do

you

love

her

Do

you

Tell

me

Honestly

Yes

and

no

 

 

This

is

unbelievable

How

did

you

I'm

glad

this

happened

I've

been

tryin'

to

figure

out

a

way

to

tell

you

this

for

ever

Come

here

Sit

down

I

wanna

tell

you

something

JS

is

you

These

are

yours

and

we're

not

married

There

God

I

finally

said

it

What's

her

name

Jacqueline

Josie

Honey

I'm

not

your

husband

and

you're

not

my

wife

Is

she

from

that

fertiliser

plant

Does

she

hand

out

shovels

These

aren't

your

kids

You

didn't

bear

anything

 

Don't

change

the

subject

Who

is

she

 

Forget

it

Come

here

 

Guys

we

gotta

talk

and

this

is

serious

 

Mom

we're

still

all

clean

I

just

told

her

about

her

not

being

your

mother

and

I

want

you

to

tell

her

too

 

Go

ahead

tell

her

 

Dad

tell

her

what

 

Tell

her

she's

not

your

mother

 

But

she

is

our

mother

No

Don't

tell

her

what

I

told

you

to

tell

her

Just

tell

her

the

truth

now

OK

 

Tell

her

about

the

day

she

came

home

 

We

were

really

worried

I

was

up

all

night

pacing

 

You'd

never

seen

her

before

 

Don't

speak

to

my

children

that

way

 

What

do

you

think

you're

doing

 

We

won't

let

you

ruin

everything

 

We're

keepin'

her

 

She

doesn't

belong

to

you

She

didn't

belong

to

you

but

that

didn't

stop

you

 

I

had

my

reasons

 

 

We

like

her

Dad

 

You

like

her

do

you

So

much

you'd

rather

live

with

her

than

your

own

father

 

Found

'em

in

the

glove

compartment

 

Who

is

JS

and

what

does

she

do

to

Dean

 

 

Annie

uh

That's

my

underwear

 

 

I

don't

mean

I

wear

it

or

anything

 

 

I

strayed

See

I

got

lucky

with

this

phonesex

girl

one

night

I

found

one

that

accepted

personal

cheques

and

You

see

I

don't

have

a

back

seat

in

my

truck

so

I

I

used

yours

Dean

doesn't

want

you

to

tell

Gert

so

he's

covering

for

me

 

 

The

jig

is

up

I'm

finally

trying

to

tell

her

the

truth

I

just

did

See

I

didn't

get

the

reputation

for

being

Bad

Billy

Pratt

by

accident

Annie

I'm

sorry

I

got

horny

 

 

Oh

no

I

don't

hate

you

 

I'm

glad

you're

bad

Billy

Pratt

 

Biggest

load

of

bullshit

I've

seen

Honey

honey

Phoneforsex

girls

don't

come

to

your

truck

honey

They

No

stop

trying

to

cover

for

him

sweetie

Let's

just

forget

it

Pretty

expensive

panties

You

can

have

these

back

That

girl

must

have

more

than

one

phone

Pretty

good

huh

You

did

this

to

protect

your

ass

because

you

faked

my

pictures

No

I

did

it

to

protect

your

ass

OK

You

belong

with

her

Oh

cute

Mom

Help

he

has

my

hand

Why

do

you

stick

your

hands

in

people's

mouths

anyway

Let's

go

Let's

go

to

another

one

I

have

been

calling

all

over

Elk

Cove

No

no

Don't

worry

No

no

I

will

try

Portland

for

a

limousine

I

really

don't

have

anything

to

say

except

that

uh

there

would

be

no

Wonders

of

the

World

miniature

golf

course

if

it

wasn't

for

the

imagination

and

the

creativity

of

one

woman

That's

my

Annie

Annie

you

wanna

come

up

here

I

love

you

Annie

I

want

you

to

be

with

me

always

Everybody

play

ball

Let's

go

clean

up

 

Hey

Dad

Whose

car

is

that

 

Maybe

it's

a

rich

relative

 

Sure

it's

Daddy

Warbucks

 

Hi

Grant

I

just

have

to

put

these

in

some

water

Grant

Is

that

you

Yes

Yes

you're

Grant

Stayton

III

I

remember

I

remember

I'm

Joanna

Stayton

Ooh

Dean

I'm

cured

I

can

remember

again

Oh

God

You

can't

imagine

how

terrible

it

is

not

to

know

who

you

are

The

doctor

said

that

my

mind

would

come

back

suddenly

and

he

was

right

I

saw

you

I

walked

past

you

into

the

house

and

poof

My

memory

came

back

Ask

me

anything

Ask

me

about

my

childhood

in

New

York

Uh

about

my

mom

Her

name

is

Edith

About

my

money

Money

I

have

money

I

have

lots

of

money

I

even

have

some

in

Switzerland

 

 

Oh

God

this

is

the

happiest

day

of

my

life

Oh

thank

you

Thank

you

for

bringing

me

here

and

making

me

a

wife

and

a

mother

and

Why

did

you

do

that

Why

I

know

why

You're

that

sweaty

carpenter

who

hates

me

And

these

are

your

children

and

you

made

me

believe

that

Oh

God

You

tricked

me

You

used

me

Say

something

 

Annie

it

just

started

out

 

And

I

don't

belong

with

you

And

I

don't

belong

with

them

I

have

to

get

my

things

Don't

get

any

ideas

I

brought

Olaf

Olaf

I

think

we

can

take

Olaf

I

won't

have

There's

nothing

inside

that's

mine

Joanna

for

whatever

it's

worth

thank

you

Come

on

dear

We'll

get

you

out

of

these

clothes

 

Mom

wait

 

Mom

 

Mom

 

Mom

come

back

 

You

said

moms

don't

leave

 

Get

We

should

have

told

her

Dad

She

just

would

have

left

sooner

Come

on

Welcome

back

Mrs

Stayton

Dr

Korman

will

she

ever

again

be

the

debutante

I

raised

 

 

Her

memory's

almost

completely

restored

She

even

recalled

the

session

where

I

wrote

this

D

I

love

you

madly

though

you

treat

me

badly

Dr

Korman

Please

We

need

analysis

not

"Moon

River"

I

want

my

wife

back

Joanna

knows

who

she

is

And

she's

trying

to

behave

that

way

Happy

Good

evening

madam

 

Ah

my

darling

Joanna

 

You

look

radiant

JoJo

Oh

please

don't

call

me

that

I

feel

like

a

Pomeranian

You

liked

being

called

JoJo

It

was

diddums

you

hated

Mother

why

does

Dr

Korman

have

to

be

here

I

feel

selfconscious

enough

as

it

is

Oh

sweetie

Just

indulge

Mommy

hm

Come

along

now

Sit

sit

sit

Andrew

I'm

sitting

Now

Mrs

Mintz

Dr

Korman

knows

you

so

well

dear

and

he

only

wants

to

help

 

Champagne

madam

 

Ah

thank

you

Andrew

 

Andrew

I'd

love

a

beer

 

 

It's

wrong

isn't

it

 

Actually

I

really

don't

see

the

harm

in

accommodating

her

wishes

Andrew

 

Cigarette

darling

 

I

don't

smoke

Mother

Do

I

Of

course

you

smoke

You've

always

smoked

 

 

Why

don't

we

all

smoke

Why

do

I

have

to

smoke

I've

never

smoked

I

get

sick

when

I

smoke

Why

does

everyone

try

to

make

me

do

what

I

don't

want

to

do

Grant

we

are

not

interested

in

your

therapy

I

had

my

nervous

breakdown

and

I

didn't

have

therapy

I

never

had

therapy

 

Mother

would

you

like

some

 

I'd

love

some

Put

that

down

Good

God

Joanna

We

have

servants

for

that

Now

really

this

is

going

too

far

Joanna

what

motivated

you

to

rise

and

go

get

the

serving

tray

Well

I

thought

you

might

be

hungry

 

That's

excellent

 

What's

excellent

about

it

 

 

Your

beer

madam

Who

cares

that

you

were

hungry

She

became

a

waitress

 

My

daughter's

a

waitress

 

Mm

Good

stuff

I'll

stay

an

extra

few

days

yes

 

They

won't

come

in

 

Spaghettio

Surprise

 

What's

goin'

on

 

We're

gettin'

Mom

back

 

 

Yeah

she

cuts

the

crusts

off

the

bread

She

doesn't

take

any

of

my

shit

either

I

need

discipline

We

got

$

We're

gonna

rent

a

fishing

boat

and

get

her

back

No

fishing

boat's

gonna

catch

a

yacht

especially

at

that

price

 

Maybe

she'll

decide

to

come

back

 

Dumbo

she's

on

her

way

to

New

York

 

 

Yeah

Dr

Death

could

do

it

We

gotta

do

somethin'

Right

Dad

Wrong

Now

she's

gone

guys

She

hates

me

She's

got

her

rich

husband

back

and

her

rich

life

and

that's

the

end

of

it

I

love

the

sound

of

the

ocean

Halloooo

Tofutti

Ah

Tofutti

where

are

you

when

I

need

you

Tofutti

Kleineineinein

All

together

And

Lick

shake

lick

Drink

Suck

 

You

sucked

first

 

No

I

didn't

I

did

it

right

 

Danger

watch

Gotta

go

Let's

go

 

Oh

yes

Croissants

in

the

morning

 

 

Merci

beaucoup

Bonne

nuit

You

best

not

lose

these

again

madam

 

 

With

my

apologies

madam

"Andrew

I

seem

to

have

lost

my

ruby

earrings

somewhere

between

 

th

and

th

Streets"

Find

them

I've

behaved

so

badly

I

don't

know

how

you

put

up

with

me

for

so

long

You've

done

so

many

wonderful

things

for

me

and

I've

never

even

once

said

thank

you

I'm

sorry

Apology

accepted

ma'am

Everyone

thinks

I'm

crazy

Do

you

think

they're

right

Oh

no

madam

Oh

no

Most

of

us

go

through

life

with

blinders

on

madam

knowing

only

that

one

little

station

to

which

we

were

born

But

you

madam

on

the

other

hand

have

had

the

rare

privilege

of

escaping

your

bonds

for

just

a

spell

to

see

life

from

an

entirely

new

perspective

How

you

choose

to

use

that

information

madam

is

entirely

up

to

you

 

 

Yes

ma'am

 

We've

never

really

had

time

to

talk

 

No

we

haven't

Well

there's

no

time

now

 

 

 

 

I'm

going

home

You're

turning

that

wheel

too

fast

Captain

Karl

Why

is

the

land

on

the

wrong

side

of

the

yacht

Oh

she

did

Well

she's

gone

too

far

this

time

She

thinks

she's

dealing

with

an

idiot

So

we're

heading

back

to

the

jungles

of

Oregon

 

I

want

to

go

back

Grant

 

Yes

I'm

sorry

You

haven't

begun

to

be

sorry

you

hillbilly

harlot

Captain

Karl

go

below

with

the

crew

I'm

taking

over

Andrew

go

get

Dr

Korman

Go

 

Get

out

of

my

way

Karl

 

But

sir

Now

I'm

in

charge

We're

coming

about

at

full

speed

ahead

 

 

Dr

Death

Let's

go

We're

gonna

go

get

her

Come

on

Billy's

friends'll

help

us

 

I

hope

I

don't

get

courtmartialled

 

Yeah

I

owe

you

 

 

and

telling

a

passenger

you

love

them

sir

Put

your

nose

in

the

manual

and

find

something

Lucas

Whatever

you

do

I'm

getting

off

at

the

next

port

Don't

be

ridiculous

Nobody

leaves

a

Stayton

I

don't

love

you

any

more

Please

try

and

understand

that

What

has

love

got

to

do

with

marriage

You'd

actually

prefer

living

in

squalor

with

that

cave

dweller

They

should

have

kept

you

in

the

hospital

psycho

ward

What

did

you

say

How

did

you

know

that

You

left

me

there

didn't

you

You

snake

How

could

you

do

that

How

could

you

be

such

a

slime

Call

me

all

the

names

you

want

but

many

women

adore

me

Do

you

wanna

know

what

I

was

doing

I'll

tell

you

I

was

whacking

the

donkey

with

painted

ladies

They

loved

me

Yes

I

did

leave

you

There

Now

I've

confessed

So

what

We're

at

sea

And

I'm

a

god

at

sea

Nine

o'clock

in

the

morning

This

better

be

good

Doctor

Grant's

having

another

nervous

breakdown

 

He

thinks

he's

God

Keep

him

busy

 

 

Morning

Grant

 

Korman

my

wife

is

insane

 

 

Good

Put

her

in

it

You're

overwrought

Grant

I

want

you

to

take

a

Valium

Here

take

one

of

mine

 

 

I

have

to

stop

the

boat

My

husband's

a

little

bit

crazy

 

 

I'm

the

captain

No

please

don't

salute

I

have

to

find

a

red

button

Vessel

sighted

straight

ahead

sir

 

 

There's

a

fat

guy

in

my

way

sir

Who

you

callin'

fat

you

little

weasel

Come

here

Where's

the

thing

I

need

the

red

 

Here

Here

it

is

 

No

please

 

 

Yes

it

stopped

 

 

He's

here

He's

here

That's

him

Stop

that

boat

immediately

and

let

me

get

my

mom

 

Qu'estce

que

c'est

 

 

Qui

estce

 

Maman

Qu'estce

qu'on

mange

ce

soir

Come

in

Immaculata

 

He's

here

 

There's

mutiny

afoot

She's

at

the

bottom

of

this

mutiny

I'm

gonna

rid

myself

of

this

albatross

He's

here

 

Go

back

to

New

York

Dr

Korman

 

 

Dean

 

What

happened

Did

he

strike

you

 

 

No

Everything's

wonderful

 

Message

over

the

radio

sir

 

Annie

Haha

Looks

like

the

fun's

over

We've

got

some

salmon

poachers

fishing

in

illegal

waters

That

takes

precedence

over

your

friend's

love

life

 

Come

about

 

Son

no

more

radio

Hey

Hey

Hey

wait

a

Hey

 

Billy

what's

goin'

on

 

We're

turnin'

round

They're

going

after

salmon

poachers

He's

leaving

Where's

he

going

 

Catarina

 

Arturo

I'm

coming

 

Man

overboard

 

Coming

about

again

Czapowskyj

Annie

Oh

no

madam

I

cannot

let

you

do

this

 

 

Dean

I'm

coming

Madam

you

really

should

play

a

little

hard

to

get

Tell

my

mother

I'll

call

her

Woman

overboard

She's

wearing

an

evening

dress

sir

Get

those

kids

out

of

the

rescue

boat

Let's

go

My

mom's

out

there

Let

me

Halt

You

treasonous

tramp

Conspiring

with

the

enemy

at

sea

is

mutiny

Pull

Another

man

overboard

I

am

giving

my

notice

sir

 

Annie

 

Oh

Dean

Annie

I

love

you

I'll

never

leave

you

again

I'll

never

let

you

go

You're

my

Annie

You

always

will

be

Man

overboard

is

kissing

woman

overboard

Our

rescue

boat

is

starboard

The

guy

with

the

arrows

is

being

pulled

in

at

port

It's

a

helluva

day

at

sea

sir

 

I

can't

believe

you

did

it

 

Oh

I

saw

you

jump

so

I

jumped

No

I

don't

mean

that

I

can't

believe

you

gave

all

that

up

just

for

me

 

I

didn't

 

Well

the

truth

is

that

it's

mine

The

boat

the

money

everything

It's

all

mine

Dean

Dean

it's

OK

Oh

Did

you

tell

'em

Yeah

 

They're

making

out

their

Christmas

lists

 

Oh

already

How

do

you

spell

Porsche

They

got

me

thinking

though

What

can

I

possibly

give

you

ever

that

you

don't

already

have

A

little

girl

 

Different

people

~

 

Different

worlds

~

 

You

just

call

me

~

 

And

I'll

be

there

for

you

~

 

We

belong

together

~

 

You

know

it's

true

~

 

Cos

there's

something

special

about

~

 

Me

and

you

~

 

Something

special

about

our

love

~

 

It's

all

right

~

 

Baby

it's

OK

~

 

We're

gonna

make

it

~

 

No

matter

what

they

say

~

 

Sure

as

the

stars

shine

~

 

In

the

sky

above

~

 

There

is

something

special

about

our

love

~

 

People

change

~

 

As

time

goes

by

~

 

Others

come

between

~

 

But

I'll

love

you

~

 

Till

the

day

I

die

~

 

Cos

there's

something

special

about

~

 

You

and

me

~

 

Something

special

~

 

About

our

love

~

 

 

 

Move

it

dorkus

Okay

I

think

you're

next

I'll

take

yourr

ticket

Come

right

around

this

way

Keep

yourr

back

straight

Put

your

books

down

on

your

lap

Νow'

look

right

up

at

the

camera

okay

Νice

smile

Here

we

go

Let

me

focus

right

over

here

Okay

Get

your

in

That's

good

Swing

arournd

this

Way

jurst

a

little

bit'

Gina

 

It's

Jenna

 

Look

over

here'

Gina

It's

Jenna

Oh'

God

Oh'

no

I've

had

enourgh

already

Hey

Jenna

Matt'

please

Νo

more

pictures

Come

on

It's

your

th

birthday

We

gotta

document

it

 

Hi

TomTom

 

Hey'

Jenna

Hi

Beaver

How's

everything

at

the

dam

 

So

how'd

yourrs

come

ourt

Rink

 

Yeah

mine

aren't

so

hot

either

 

TomTom

yours

are

great

 

God

your're

so

photogenic

I'll

meet

your

ourt

front

Do

whatever

you

want

It's

not

like

she

needs

a

playbyplay

 

 

Jenna'

could

I

talk

to

you

a

tiny

sec

I

told

Chris

Grandy

me

and

the

Six

Chicks

were

going

to

yourr

party

 

 

Yeah

it's

too

bad

we

can't

make

it'

because

we

really

wanted

to

 

Didn't

we

girls

 

 

So

so

murch

 

We're

so

sorry

Miss

Measly's

up

ourr

butts

with

this

group

project

and

Chris

is

gonna

help

us

out

so

I

guress

he

can't

come

either

 

 

Your

know

I

can't

believe

your

invited

those

clones

They're

my

friends

Six

Chicks

are

not

your

friends

okay

Well'

almost

And

someday

I'm

gonna

be

a

Six

Chick

There's

six

of

them

That's

the

point

There

can't

be

a

seventh

Six

Chick

It's

just

mathematically

impossible

Your're

cooler

than

they

are

They're

urnoriginal

I

don't

wanna

be

original

Matty'

I

wanna

be

cool

 

 

Exactly

 

 

 

Hey'

sWeetie

 

Happy

birthday

Tell

us

about

your

new

life

as

a

teenager

What

did

you

do

Are

your

wearing

a

bra

 

Go

away

 

Oh'

honey

what's

wrong

Wayne

Selfimage

 

Jenna

it's

going

to

be

all

right

 

It

is

not'

Mom

Look

at

me

 

 

It's

not

fatal

honey

It's

realistic

I

hate

my

life

Your

don't

look

like

girls

in

Poise

magazine

but

your're

beautiful

in

yourr

own

way

I

don't

wanna

be

beaurtifurI

in

my

own

way

I

wanna

look

like

these

people

Oh'

those

aren't

people

honey

Those

are

models

"Thirty

flirty

and

thriving

Why

the

s

are

the

best

years

of

yourr

life"

I

wanna

be

 

Well'

you

Will

be'

honey

But

right

noW

your're

my

beaurtifurI

yearold

 

Happy

birthday

 

Oh'

my

God

This

is

just

part

one

of

your

present

I

got

something

else

to

give

you

later

What

is

it

Your

know

how

your

always

wanted

a

Barbie

Dream

House

Well'

I

decided

to

make

you

yourr

own

Jenna

Dream

Hourse

 

You

made

all

this

Oh

Matty

 

See'

that's

your

in

your

bubble

bath

reading

your

favourite

magazine

And

there's

yourr

bedroom

with

a

massive

stereo

and

every

record

ever

made

The

good

ones

And

there's

that

burm

Rick

Springfield

loafing

on

the

couch

And

there

I

am'

to

make

surre

the

creep

keeps

his

hands

to

himself

Oh'

almost

forgot

Wishing

dust

It

says

"This

wishing

dust

knows

what's

in

your

heart

of

hearts

It'll

make

all

your

dreams

come

trure"

They're

here

What

do

we

do

Oh'

my

God

Matt

I'm

just

gonna

purt

this

aWay

okay

So

there's

room

to

dance

Put

some

music

on

Dad'

you

promised

you

Were

gonna

stay

urpstairs

Go

Hi

guys

The

party's

downstairs

Fabuloso

 

 

I'm

not

sure

It's

Matt's

Sorry'

Beavehead

Majority

rurles

Νarrow'

man

Νarrow'

hopeless

people

 

 

I'm

gonna

go

next

door

and

get

my

Casio

Do

whatever

you

want

Matt

It's

not

like

I

need

a

playbyplay

See

you'

loser

Hey

I

have

an

idea

girls

Let's

play

Seven

Minutes

in

Heaven

Your

can

go

first'

because

you're

the

birthday

girl

How

does

that

one

go

again

Well'

you

go

in

the

closet'

and

some

Iurcky

guy's

gonna

go

in

there

and

do

Whatever

he

wants

with

you

for

seven

whole

minutes

And

guess

who

wants

to

go

first

 

 

 

 

Before

I

forget'

where's

our

project

proposal

 

 

Remember'

no

peeking

Keep

that

blindfold

on

And

jurst

so

you

know

Chris

loves

going

for

second

base

Let's

go

I

think

I

can

get

my

brother

to

buy

urs

some

beer

 

 

Wait

give

me

that

drink

Thank

your

Leave

it

George

Come

on

 

What's

going

on

 

Jenna's

Waiting

for

you

in

the

closet

I

thought

you

weren't

gonna

come

Where

are

your

Oh'

Chris

 

It's

not

Chris

it's

Matt

 

 

Where's

Chris

 

He's

gone

Everybody

left

 

What'd

you

do

 

Νothing

 

Yes

your

did

 

I

jurst

went

to

get

my

Casio

 

Get

out

 

Wait

Jenna'

let

me

talk

to

you

 

Get

out

Νo

 

Jenna

please'

just

come

ourt

I

hate

you

I

hate

me

I

hate

everybody

 

Jenna

What

are

you

talking

about

 

I

wanna

be

 

Just

let

me

play

you

this

song'

okay

It'll

make

your

feel

better

I

wanna

be

 

Thirty

and

flirty

and

thriving

Thirty

and

flirty

and

thriving

Thirty

and

flirty

and

thriving

Thirty

and

flirty

and

thriving

Thirty

and

flirty

and

thriving

Mom

Dad

What

is

happening

Oh'

what

is

happening

What

is

going

on

Jenna

Rink

"Jenna

Rink

Jenna

Rink

Jenna

Rink"

I

live

here

 

 

Well

not

that

sorry

because

we're

in

the

Caribbean

So

ww'll

be

back

on

thw

th

so

call

us

then

Have

a

good

day

Your

went

on

a

crurise

Withourt

me

Oh'

this

is

a

dream

This

is

a

really

weird

dream

 

Hey'

sWeet

bottom

 

Oh'

my

God

I

know

you're

there

And

my

parents

are

totally

gonna

be

home

any

minute

Hey

where's

the

conditioner

 

You're

naked

 

Well'

not

yet

Your

could

join

me

if

your

want

Sweet

bottom

Can

you

hear

that

music

Jenna

Can

your

hurrry

urp

a

little

bit

please

He

made

a

commitment

Jenna

Can

your

come

over

here

I

don't

care

if

your

have

to

grab

him

by

his

testicles

I

Want

him

in

Νew

York

in

hours

He

needs

to

be

at

the

party

Hold

on

a

second

 

 

I

don't

get

in

the

car

with

strangers

Get

in

the

car

We're

gonna

be

late

 

I

don't

know

you

 

 

Νot

with

strangers

 

You're

being

paranoid

Sweet

bottom

Don't

make

me

come

down

there

and

grab

you

Lurcy

Wyman

He

has

my

number

Could

your

please

get

in

the

car

 

Jenna

 

Look

he

made

a

commitment

He

has

my

number

My

name

is

Lucy

Wyman

Just

go

aWay

Honey'

I

knoW

I'm

your

best

friend'

burt

the

slip

dress

is

a

little

'

 

Unless

it's

retro

 

 

You're

pregnant

 

Oh'

no

Oh

my

God

no

Thank

God

Your

scared

me

What

did

you

do

last

night

See'

that's

the

thing

Something

really

strange

is

happening

I

slept

in

an

apartment

I've

never

seen

before

and

there

was

a

naked

man

in

my

shower

and

I

saw

his

thingy

Oh'

God

Νot

his

thingy

Driver

courId

you

please

pull

over'

since

we're

here

 

Stop

 

Wait

I

don't

wanna

get

out

of

the

I

don't

think

your're

listening

Wait

hang

on

Wait

listen

to

me

I'm

 

If

your're

gonna

start

lying

about

yourr

age

I'd

go

with

 

Wait

I

know

it

sounds

strange

burt

some

Weird

dream

is

Like

that

Do

your

hear

it

Did

you

hear

that

Would

your

stop

being

ridiculous

It's

probably

just

Richard

 

Who's

Richard

 

Richard

yourr

boss

Brown

curly

hair

British

Richard

 

 

Hey

sweet

bottom

Your

You

Purt

on

your

pants

and

stop

calling

me

"sweet

bottom"

 

Look

baby

 

And

get

out

of

my

house

Who

is

that

I

don't

knoW

his

name

I

don't

knoW

what's

happening

Okay

Jenna

Jenna

Just

calm

down'

okay

We

have

a

meeting

in

minutes

I'll

tell

your

what

to

do

Repeat

after

me:

I

am

Jenna

Rink

bigtime

magazine

editor

 

 

I

am

Jenna

Rink

bigtime

magazine

editor

I'm

a

tourgh

bitch

 

 

I'm

gonna

Walk

into

that

office'

I

won't

let

anyone

know

I'm

hungover

But

that's

not

the

point

I'm

not

hungover

I'll

Walk

into

that

office

and

not

let

anyone

know

I'm

hungover

Becaurse

the

furture

of

Poise

depends

on

me

Poise

Oh'

jeez

Poise

magazine

Thank

your

Good

morning

Miss

Rink'

Miss

Wyman

 

Good

morning

What's

her

name

 

Jenna

Please

don't

yell

at

me

it's

not

my

fault

They

need

a

decision

right

noW

 

 

Love

Knew

it

Genius

Eminem's

on

the

phone

He

wants

a

decision

now

Plain

Peanut

Plain

There's

the

dynamic

duo

I

trust

my

execurtive

editors

are

late

again

becaurse

they

were

ourt

promoting

urs

at

parties

 

You

got

it

Richard

 

Richard

You're

my

boss

That's

right'

baby

Who's

yourr

daddy

Wayne

Rink

Morning

Two

words:

summer

Saint

Barts

Oh'

you're

not

gonna

go

to

Fire

Island

this

summer

 

Are

you

insinurating

I'm

gay

 

It's

a

joke

Is

there

anything

else

you

need

from

me

Miss

Rink

Your

mean

like

a

favourr

Sure

Like

a

favour

 

 

I

have

his

nurmber

 

Arlene

will

you

leave

us

please

 

Jenna's

a

little

hungover

today

Rough

Okay

children

I

wonder

which

one

Holly

Housewife

is

going

to

go

for

The

Oth

or

the

th

secret

Seven

months

in

a

row

now

they

scoop

us

I

mean

it's

like

they've

got

Sparklecams

hidden

in

all

ourr

Walls

Richard

we're

installing

passWords

We're

building

firewalls

on

all

the

computers

 

 

I

guarantee

she

has

friends

at

Sparkle

She

always

took

notes

 

 

Yeah

whatever

Our

party

tonight

is

now

huge

We

need

to

make

an

unequrivocal

statement

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think

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wish

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Matty

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Something

really

Weird

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my

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then

And

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get

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need

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me

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can't

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school

 

 

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friends

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Matty

your're

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best

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cool

 

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fresh

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Christmas

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then

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think

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saw

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six

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nice

seeing

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luck

 

 

 

 

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is

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most

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was

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wonder

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even

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my

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big

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whole

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Oh'

this

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incredible

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can't

believe

it

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got

everything

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ever

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you

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phone

 

 

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Gramercy

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confirm

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both

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come'

it's

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Street

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Jenna

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if

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if

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acturally

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ever

wanted

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it

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right

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see

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Au

reVoir

 

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by

the

way

 

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know

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Becky

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old

are

you

anyway

 

 

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to

be

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are

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talking

to

me

 

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not

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are

neighbours

right

 

 

 

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like

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these

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fill

it

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got

a

zillion

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them

 

 

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it'd

be

totally

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Becky

 

 

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sure

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urnderWear

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totally

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TomTom

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no

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me

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better

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ladies

 

 

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only

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school

night

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party

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so

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what

is

she

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Sparkle's

editor

in

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Trish

Sackett

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o'clock

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girls

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and

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forturnately

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being

liked

 

 

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smell

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have

bad

breath

 

 

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to

be

running

for

the

exit

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set

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durd

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flop

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zero

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scale

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to

 

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if

somebody

played

something

else

 

 

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I

know

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if

those

people

don't

start

dancing

really

really

soon

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to

early

retirement

Matty

Matty'

come

here

 

 

Matty

come

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Matty

Me

Νo'

no'

no

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that

thing

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"Thriller"

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on

 

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on

man

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Jenna'

no

Way

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let's

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don't

remember

those

moves

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haven't

done

this

in

years

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are

you'

crazy

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it

urp'

dude

 

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on

Matty

 

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right

all

right

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here

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go

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Arlene

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on

let's

go

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go

Jenna

Go'

Richard

 

Jenna

I'm

sorry'

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gotta

go

 

 

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sorry

 

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Matt

Groove

on

baby

I

adore

you

 

Miss

Rink

Miss

Rink

 

Your

credit

card

Yourr

credit

card

 

 

To

being

 

 

I've

decided

it's

gonna

be

awesome

 

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thin'

you're

hot

your

can

get

any

guy

you

want'

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to

mention

biatch'

the

hottest

magazine

editor

in

the

world

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hottest

 

 

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speaking

of

hot

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Hotty

behind

you

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totally

scamming

on

you

right

now

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not

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totally

curte

 

 

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married

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borrow

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acturally

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think

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more

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you

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my

God

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naked

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beautiful

 

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thinks

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he

should

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your

boyfriend

 

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lady

asking

for

my

boyfriend's

autograph

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your

so

much

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the

best

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York

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Ranger

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the

best

ass

Jenna

 

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my

God

Matt

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are

your

I'm

sorry

abourt

the

other

night

 

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is

that

your

 

Hey'

TomTom

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are

you

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lost

all

yourr

baby

fat

 

 

Yeah

it's

good

to

see

you

again

too

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almost

didn't

recognize

you

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you

get

a

nose

job

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can't

believe

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are

you

doing

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I'm

acturally

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doing

some

shopping

with

my

Jenna'

this

is

Wendy

my

fiancee

 

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Jenna

 

his

blast

from

the

past

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really

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you

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stop

by

Matty's

the

sweet

one

I

don't

know

what

I

would've

done

without

him

 

I'm

sure

you'll

be

fine

 

I

see

you

guys

have

spent

so

much

time

talking

about

me

 

Wendy's

an

anchorwoman

 

I

do

the

weather

for

WWEΝ

in

Chicago

Matt

and

I

were

just

talking

abourt

him

finally

joining

me

in

the

Windy

City

 

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moving

to

Chicago

 

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haven't

really

Is

that

Alex

Carlson

Jenna'

sorry

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late

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hi

 

 

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sorry

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is

my

good

friend

Matt

and

this

is

his

friend

Wendy

 

 

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Alex

Carlson

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to

meet

you

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great

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player

 

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a

big

fan

 

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mind

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night

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little

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play

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mean

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games

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wanna

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you

my

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call

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know

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Becky'

it's

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ones

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never

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Well'

you

have

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want

Rule

number

one:

Love

is

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battlefield

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Really

deep

 

 

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the

office

Tom

Fiftyseven

ways

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have

an

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I

didn't

know

there

were

 

#ЗНАЧ

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He

loves

you

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lies'

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this'

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ourt

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circulation

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I

have

no

idea

I'm

getting

so

sick

of

having

her

arournd

with

this

crazy

new

act

she

has

going

on

Your

know

how

she

stole

Charlotte's

idea

and

then

fired

her

I

say

we

go

ahead

with

our

own

presentation

and

let

her

fall

on

her

ass

Oh'

God'

yeah

Okay

your're

not

Cajun

 

 

I

still

can't

believe

your're

getting

married

In

two

weeks

Is

she

your

sourI

mate

Wendy

My

soul

mate

I

don't

know

if

I

believe

in

those

I

think

that's

kind

of

naive

But

you

get

goose

bumps

when

you're

around

her

and

butterflies

Νo

I

haven't

gotten

crazy

like

that

abourt

a

girl

since

high

school

Matty

What

What

happened

to

urs

I

mean

how

come

we

never

stayed

friends

I

don't

knoW

I

forget

Νo

what

happened

I

don't

knoW

I

can

pretty

much

peg

it

to

your

th

birthday

party

when

your

were

playing

that

game

Spin

the

Rapist

Seven

Minutes

in

Heaven

Everybody

ditched

And

that

is

the

last

thing

I

remember

We

don't

have

to

get

into

this

It's

a

long

time

ago

 

It

really

doesn't

matter

anymore

 

Just

tell

me

Your

came

out

of

the

closet

and

I

started

to

sing

my

birthday

song

to

your

And

then

your

picked

urp

and

threw

at

me

with

impressive

force

I

might

add

the

dream

house

that

I

spent

three

weeks

building

for

your

And

then

your

jurst

stopped

being

my

friend

and

you

never

spoke

to

me

again

affer

that

ever

I'm

so

sorry

Forget

it

Jenna

It

was

a

long

time

ago

It

doesn't

matter

Matt'

stop

being

so

nice

to

me

I

don't

deserve

it

Do

your

know

what

kind

of

person

I

am

noW

Do

your

know

who

I

am

right

now

I

I

don't

have

any

real

friends

I

I

did

something

bad

with

a

married

guy

I

don't

talk

to

my

mom

and

dad

I'm

not

a

nice

person

And

the

thing

is

I'm

not

anymore

Jenna

Behind

your

Oh'

it's

good

to

be

home

 

 

What

in

the

world

 

 

Are

your

all

right

Mom

Do

your

ever

wish

you

courId

go

back

like

to

another

time

I

wouldn't

mind

giving

back

some

of

these

wrinkles

Okay

If

your

were

given

one

doover

anything

in

your

life'

what

would

it

be

Νothing

 

 

But

did

you

ever

make

a

big

mistake

Or

a

huge

one

that

could

change

your

life

What

about

that

Well'

Jenna

I

know

I

made

a

lot

of

mistakes

but

I

don't

regret

making

any

of

them

How

come

Becaurse

if

I

hadn't

have

made

them

I

WourIdn't

have

learned

how

to

make

things

right

I'm

sorry

I

missed

last

Christmas

Carrie'

I'm

heading

ourt

okay

I'm

so

exhausted

 

Jenna's

Working

late

 

 

 

I

was

gonna

stop

by

yourr

office

I

tried

to

call

you

a

bunch

of

times

 

I

didn't

get

any

messages

 

But

I

did

try

to

reach

your

I

acturally

wanted

to

talk

to

you

abourt

this

whole

redesign

thing

I

hope

you

don't

mind'

but

I've

been

working

on

something

on

my

own

It's

really

lastminurte

 

I

hope

you

don't

mind

 

Νo

of

course

not

becaurse

I'm

doing

the

same

thing

 

Hey'

Jenna

 

Someone's

got

a

big

photo

shoot

going

on

 

 

What's

happening

 

 

Oh'

yeah'

I

got

a

few

 

 

I'm

hiring

your

Actually'

Poise

is

hiring

you

for

the

week

Here

This

is

the

first

half

The

rest

when

we

finish

I

courId

really

urse

this

burt

your

don't

need

to

do

me

any

favours

I'm

asking

you

to

do

me

a

favourr

I

love

your

work

I

hope

you'll

do

this

with

me

Your

know

I've

seen

your

magazine

My

stuff

is

not

your

style

at

all

Exactly

Who

gets

Francis

There

we

go

Okay

let's

do

it

Up

up

 

Okay

everybody

 

Okay

everybody'

climb

up

there

Lots

of

energy

 

All

right

Νice

You're

the

real

deal

 

All

right

Jenna

this

is

yourr

class

of

 

All

right

guys

Ready

Very

good

Very

good

 

They're

beaurtifurI

 

Yeah

they

came

out

okay

hurh

 

 

 

 

I

do

yeah

Yeah

it's

getting

late

I

should

get

home

It's

getting

pretty

late

here

Your

know

what

I

wish

I

had

right

now

Νo

what

Razzles

Razzles

I

haven't

had

Razzles

 

in

years

 

 

they're

both

a

candy

and

a

gurm

 

That's

incredible

I

can't

believe

they

had

them

Okay

don't

waste

a

minurte

It's

been

a

long

time

Careful

Yeah

What

are

you

laurghing

at

I

don't

knoW

Life

Timing

Being

here

with

you'

eating

Razzles

I've

had

a

really

great

time

working

with

you

this

week

 

 

Yeah

Hey

Matty

Tell

me

something

What

colourr

is

my

tongue

 

 

It's

red

I

don't

know

Red

Red

red

Or

tongue

red

Razzle

red

 

 

 

 

I'm

not

showing

you

Show

me

your

tongure

I

showed

your

mine

 

I

didn't

ask

to

see

yours

 

Matty

I

need

to

see

your

tongure

Razzle

red

Your

wanna

knoW

a

secret

Yeah

Your're

the

sweetest

gury

I've

ever

known

I

bet

I

can

still

beat

your

off

the

jump

Whoever

goes

the

furthest

the

other

owes

a

drink

 

 

And

dinner

Friday

night

at

:

at

the

th

Street

Diner

to

celebrate

our

redesign

being

chosen

Deal

One

 

 

 

Three

 

Three

Are

your

okay

I

should've

tucked

and

rolled

I'm

getting

old

Νo

your're

not

because

that

means

I

am

Well

 

 

Your

got

arm

hair

It's

never

quite

got

that

reaction

before

It

was

like

it

Wasn't

wven

mw

Like

I

had

just

watched

us

down

below

kissing

Then

I

just

floated

home

on

a

cloud

That

is

so

romantic

 

 

You've

got

goose

bumps

I

totally

know

They

won't

go

away

Do

your

love

him

Durh

When

Will

you

see

him

again

I

don't

knoW

acturally

I

don't

knoW

if

I

can

 

 

It's

complicated

It's

a

groWnurp

thing

Well'

at

least

you

have

someone

to

dream

abourt

Guys

don't

wanna

jump

yourr

bones

when

you're

a

metalmouth

What

is

that

attitude

We

are

young

Heartache

to

heartache

we

stand

Love

is

a

battlefield

But

I

like

it

like

this

with

freckle

girl

and

the

dog

 

These

photos

are

urnbelievable

Jen

 

Okay

here's

the

dog

 

Francis

is

the

dog's

name

 

Well'

I

think

I'm

gonna

start

reading

Poise

for

the

first

time

in

my

life

Νo

I

got

a

place

I

rent

in

Brooklyn

That'll

Work

All

right'

I'll

see

your

then

Byebye

Hey

I

wasn't

expecting

to

see

your

Wendy

I

thourght

you

were

flying

in

tomorroW

What

are

your

expecting

someone

else

Νo

Hi

I

wanna

take

your

to

lunch

Hungry

Yeah

yeah

What

a

surprise

Okay

where

do

you

 

 

You

can

take

pictures

of

vitamin

bottles

anyWhere

And

I

was

jurst

thinking

that

we

should

try

to

resolve

this

now

Instead

of

being

a

commuter

couple

durring

ourr

first

year

of

marriage

What

I'm

sorry

I'm

sorry

Could

your

I

missed

that

 

Arlene

do

your

have

any

more

 

My

balls'

excurse

my

French

are

in

an

iron

vice

Corporate

are

twisting

like

a

bunch

of

dominatrixes

on

steroids

Νow

Lucy's

presenting

her

own

redesign

Tell

me

what's

going

on

What

is

going

on

is

your

will

have

more

choices

All

respect

to

Lucy

I'm

more

anxiours

to

know

what

your're

Working

on

 

 

I'm

not

complimenting

you

I'm

trying

to

pressurre

your

How

long

urntil

yourr

balls

get

totally

squished

Hopefully

never

I'm

really

rather

attached

to

my

balls

Can

they

hang

in

there

till

 

Jenna'

you

are

not

yourrself

at

the

moment

Since

when

do

you

keep

me

ourt

of

the

loop

I'm

really

freaking

ourt

here

 

 

Why

does

nobody

listen

to

a

word

I

say

Arlene'

aren't

your

coming

Oh'

you're

invited

are

you

Okay

byebye

Oh'

no'

excuse

me

Go

ahead

Your

know

what

am

I

I'm

just

the

editor

in

chief

Whatever

We've

gotta

go

to

rd

please'

between

th

and

th

 

It's

West

rd

 

You

got

it

lady

The

new

and

improved

Poise

will

explore

the

last

frontier

It

will

go

heroin

chic

one

better

It

will

OD

It

will

kill

Cause

of

death

Chicness

The

new

Poise

will

go

farther

than

any

fashion

magazine

ever

before

It

will

be

deadly

seriours

Fashion

suicide

So

What

do

you

think

Thank

your

sir

 

 

Jeez

Surch

a

bitch

I

know

this

is

different

I

mean

from

anything

we've

ever

done

And

I

knoW

your

might

hate

it

and

think

I'm

completely

crazy

But

I

won't

care

even

if

I

get

fired

And

I

don't

mean

that

disrespectfurlly'

it's

jurst

that

I've

realized

something

Who

are

these

women

Does

anyone

know

I

don't

recognize

any

of

them

I

wanna

see

my

best

friend's

big

sister

and

the

girls

from

the

soccer

team

My

nextdoor

neighbourr

Real

women

Who

are

smart

and

pretty

and

happy

to

be

who

they

are

These

are

the

women

to

look

up

to

Let's

purt

life

back

into

the

magazine

And

fun

and

laughter

and

silliness

I

think

We

all

I

think

all

of

urs

wanna

feel

something

that

We've

forgotten

or

turrned

ourr

backs

on

Becaurse

maybe

we

didn't

realize

how

murch

we

were

leaving

behind

We

need

to

remember

what

ursed

to

be

good

If

we

don't

we

won't

recognize

it

even

if

it

hits

urs

between

the

eyes

I

just

Bravo

Brilliant

We

will

present

this

to

corporate

first

thing

tomorrow

morning

 

So

who's

this

mystery

photographer

 

Is

he

Arthur

or

Martha

Matt

He's

Matt

Νo

no

Is

he

gay

Are

your

gay

 

 

Sparkle

magazine

on

Park

Avenure

 

 

Trish

Sackett

please

Jenna'

I'm

sorry

to

barge

in

on

you

like

this

burt

I

really

have

to

talk

to

you

Hey

Beaver

I

mean

Matt

I'm

sorry

Old

habits

die

hard

you

know

Fine

Is

Jenna

around

Are

your

here

about

your

photos

Νo

acturally

I'm

not

I

guess

I

should

just

tell

you

that

Jenna's

decided

to

go

in

a

different

direction

with

a

more

established

photographer

She's

gonna

use

the

guy

who

shoots

the

official

photos

of

her

sweetie

pie

So

don't

take

it

personally

because

there's

jurst

a

little

bias

I'm

sorry

to

be

so

honest

with

you

becaurse

I

think

your

pictures

are

really

cute

It

was

nice

talking

to

your

Hey

Matt

While

I've

got

your

here

do

you

wanna

sign

a

general

release

Maybe

we

can

use

yourr

picturres

in

a

catalogure

Fine

Hi

 

Jenny'

right

 

I

was

looking

for

Matt

I

wanted

to

tell

him

some

really

great

news

abourt

his

photographs

Everybody

loved

them

That's

great

I'll

tell

him

When

he

gets

back

He's

out

getting

his

tux

 

 

Everything's

the

last

minurte

I

mean

hello

We're

getting

married

tomorrow

This'll

be

the

cutest

little

backyard

wedding

since

I

don't

know

when

 

 

Thanks

I'll

tell

Matt

you

stopped

by

 

 

We

wanna

feel

something

again

that

we've

forgotten

Becaurse

we

didn't

stop

to

notice

how

murch

we

were

leaving

behind

We

need

to

remember

what

ursed

to

be

good

Your

ready

The

meeting's

cancelled

Jenna

What

urntil

tomorrow

It's

over

It's

over

Lurcy

She

took

all

yourr

designs

to

Sparkle

Everything

She's

their

new

editor

in

chief

Yourr

photos

showed

up

in

Sparkle

Online

last

night

They're

in

outdoor

ads

everywhere

She

can't

take

Matt's

pictures

Those

belong

to

urs

 

She

can't

do

it

 

She

can

and

she

is

She

got

him

to

sign

this

Lurcy'

you

stole

Matt's

pictures

Oh'

which

one

do

you

wanna

be

today

the

pot

or

the

kettle

If

your

don't

mind

I'd

like

to

be

the

pot

Maybe

the

kettle

It

doesn't

really

matter

They're

both

black

 

 

Does

it

look

familiar

It

has

yourr

name

on

it

 

 

Oh'

give

me

a

break

How

horrible

How

terrible

I

can't

believe

I

did

it

What

is

this

Your

can

Wipe

off

the

"Bambi

watching

her

mother

get

shot

and

strapped

to

the

back

of

a

van"

look

from

yourr

face

I

talked

to

Trish

Sackett

yesterday

It's

okay

Jenna

I

knoW

all

abourt

your

little

deal

It's

a

sweet

little

deal

actually

Editor

in

chief

if

your

help

them

hit

a

million

copies

 

So

your'd

give

them

tips

 

Oh'

my

God

Νot

bad

I

jurst

wish

I

would

have

thought

of

it

 

Oh'

no

 

Oh'

yes

Only

now

I'm

taking

your

job

your

stay

here

with

the

magazine

your

singlehandedly

flurshed

down

the

toilet

What

abourt

Matt

Why

did

he

sign

this

What

did

you

say

to

him

Let's

see

I

think

that

I

told

him

your

had

decided

to

go

in

a

different

direction

Which

you

are

now

I

might

have

told

him

something

else'

too

burt

I

just

can't

remember

George

Washington

Bridge

Νew

Jersey

Jenna

 

 

Chris

Grandy

So

What

are

you

doing

Are

your

married

Becaurse

if

you're

single

I

definitely

Want

a

number

We

could

get

together

I'm

still

living

at

home

 

Come

on

Grandy

Come

on

 

Holy

Christ

This

is

the

turne

we

first

tangled

tongues

to

What's

the

dude

who

sings

this

 

 

It's

Springfield'

Grandy

I'm

out

of

here

I

thought

you

wanted

my

number

I'll

take

these

Good

afternoon

Your

remember'

Wayne

It

was

with

the

Flamhaffs

at

San

Ysidro

Ranch

San

Ysidro

Ranch

It's

so

pretty

It's

perfect

It

looks

great

Hi

Hey

I

don't

knoW

what

Lucy

said

to

you

abourt

me

but

I

Want

you

to

know

that

Whoever

that

was

she

was

talking

abourt

wasn't

me

It

doesn't

matter

what

Lucy

said

I

stopped

trusting

her

after

she

stole

my

Pop

Rocks

in

the

third

grade

Matt

I

am

not

the

awfurI

person

that

I

know

that

I

was

I

don't

even

know

that

person

And

I'd

like

to

believe

I

have

to

believe

that

if

you

knew

that

if

in

yourr

heart'

you

really

really

knew

that

your

wouldn't

be

getting

ready

to

marry

someone

now

Unless

that

someone

were

me

Jenna'

I'm

not

gonna

lie

to

your

I

have

felt

things

these

past

few

Weeks

that

I

didn't

knoW

I

courId

feel

anymore

But

I

have

realized

in

these

past

feW

days

your

can't

just

turn

back

time

Why

not

I

moved

on

Your

moved

on

We've

gone

down

different

paths

for

so

long

We

made

choices

I

chose

Wendy

That's

her

family

down

there

We

care

abourt

each

other

your

know

Your

don't

always

get

the

dream

house'

but

you

get

awfurlly

close

Please

don't

cry'

Jenna

Oh'

I'll

be

fine'

I

promise

Matty

can

I

have

it

Please

 

You're

not

gonna

whip

it

at

me

 

Look

I

Won't

have

your

be

late

Just

go

Go

on

I'm

fine

I'm

jurst

crying

because

I'm

happy

I

want

you

to

be

so

so

happy

I

love

you

Matt

Your're

my

best

friend

Jenna'

I

I've

always

loved

you

Jenna's

waiting

for

you

in

the

closet

Matty

Your

really

know

What

you're

doing

Come

on

 

Sorry'

I

forgot

my

scarf

 

Your

can

be

the

pot

and

kettle

all

by

yourself

from

now

on'

biatch

Come

on

Matt

 

 

We're

gonna

be

late

 

 

You'll

see

A

Razzle'

Mr

Flamhaff

Thank

your

Mrs

Flamhaff

 

 

 

Okay

there

are

two

things

that

I

remember

about

my

childhood

I

just

don't

remember

it

being

this

orange

First

I

remember

being

with

my

dad

He

would

get

these

faroff

looks

in

his

eye

and

he

would

say

"Life

doesn't

always

turn

out

the

way

you

plan"

I

just

wish

I'd

realized

at

the

time

he

was

talking

about

my

life

But

that

never

stopped

us

from

taking

our

adventures

together

He

would

pack

up

our

sometimesworking

car

and

he

would

tell

me

amazing

stories

about

strange

and

exotic

lands

as

we

headed

off

to

exciting

destinations

like

Milwaukee

It's

amazing

how

exotic

Wisconsin

isn't

But

my

favorite

memories

were

the

stories

that

he

would

tell

me

about

my

mom

He

would

take

me

to

the

church

where

they

got

married

and

I'd

beg

him

to

tell

me

more

about

the

ceremony

and

about

my

crazy

Uncle

Irwin

who

fell

asleep

in

the

macaroni

and

cheese

And

I

asked

my

dad

when

he

knew

that

he

truly

loved

my

mom

And

he

said

to

me

"Lucy

your

mother

gave

me

a

special

gift

She

gave

me

the

world

Actually

it

was

a

globe

with

a

light

in

it

But

for

the

romantic

that

he

was

it

might

as

well

have

been

the

world

Well

the

first

time

I

saw

him

he

didn't

exactly

give

me

the

world

It

was

a

dollarfifty

train

token

But

I

looked

forward

to

it

every

single

day

He

started

coming

to

my

booth

between

:

and

:

every

morning

Monday

through

Friday

and

he

was

just

perfect

My

Prince

Charming

Well

we've

never

actually

spoken

but

I

know

someday

we

will

I

know

it

I

just

know

it

And

I

know

that

someday

I

will

find

a

way

to

introduce

myself

and

that's

gonna

be

perfect

Just

like

my

prince

$

for

a

Christmas

tree

and

they

don't

deliver

You

order

$

worth

of

chow

chow

mein

from

Mr

Wong's

they

bring

it

to

your

door

I

should've

gotten

the

blue

spruce

They're

lighter

Lucy

Nature

of

claim

Christmas

tree

through

window

How

am

I

gonna

put

that

on

my

insurance

They're

still

pissed

about

the

fire

we

had

when

Joe

Jr

Barbecued

in

the

stairwell

 

 

 

Look

I'll

pay

for

this

 

That's

okay

Lucy

My

brother

Julie's

in

the

glass

business

I

almost

forgot

Merry

Christmas

Aw

Lucy

You

didn't

have

to

do

that

Well

I

wanted

to

I

haven't

even

gotten

to

my

shopping

yet

Hey

Pop

Can

I

give

that

bottle

of

Blue

Nun

from

cousin

Ornella

to

my

probation

officer

Can't

you

see

we

got

some

company

 

 

Hello

Luce

Nice

Sweater

 

 

It's

over

there

Lucy

you're

a

nice

girl

Joe

Jr's

still

single

Yeah

it's

a

shocker

What'll

you

have

 

 

What's

that

 

Mustard

Coke

 

Lucy

Lucy

Lucy

Lucy

 

Hi

Jerry

 

I'm

glad

to

find

you

here

I

was

hoping

you'd

find

me

in

Bermuda

Bermuda

That's

good

I

am

recommending

you

for

Employee

of

the

Month

The

usual

Really

I

didn't

know

there

was

an

Employee

of

the

Month

Yeah

"Supervisor

Jerry

Wallace

nominates

Lucy

Moderatz

for

Employee

of

the

Month"

"Lucy

is

never

tardy

always

works

holidays

even

if

she

has

worked"

the

previous

holiday

"Just

because

she

worked

Thanksgiving

Lucy

is

willing

to

work

Christmas

too"""

Jerry

I'm

not

working

Christmas

You'll

get

a

nice

plaque

with

the

mayor's

stamp

on

it

 

I

didn't

vote

 

 

Saint

Paddy's

Day

 

Did

I

mention

extra

holiday

pay

 

 

Look

Violet

is

sick

and

Celeste

can't

switch

because

she's

got

some

big

family

thing

And

I

promised

my

kids

I'd

be

there

for

them

this

year

It

stinks

Jerry

I

know

it

isn't

fair

and

I

can't

make

you

do

it

But

Lucy

you're

the

only

one

Without

family

Come

on

Richie

Hi

Merry

Christmas

Nice

coat

Merry

Christmas

to

you

too

You're

beautiful

Will

you

marry

me

I

love

you

 

 

It's

Christmas

I

don't

want

any

trouble

Whoa

Let's

go

let's

go

let's

go

Somebody

help

me

please

Sir

Sir

Sir

Are

you

okay

Can

you

get

up

God

sir

this

is

not

good

Oh

God

mister

Can

you

Are

you

breathing

Oh

God

you

smell

good

Please

wake

up

Please

please

Oh

God

Can

you

wake

up

Can

you

hear

me

Oh

God

Wake

up

Somebody

help

me

please

Mister

Mister

There's

a

train

coming

and

it's

fast

It's

an

express

Oh

God

Hi

 

All

right

bring

him

down

here

 

Dr

Stevens

Dr

Jessica

Stevens

Hi

excuse

me

About

two

seconds

ago

a

man

was

brought

in

 

What's

his

name

 

I

don't

know

it

 

 

He's

right

there

You

don't

know

his

name

Why

don't

you

 

You

can't

go

in

 

You

can't

go

in

there

 

You

don't

understand

 

 

 

No

you

don't

understand

 

 

Okay

guys

what

do

we

got

here

I

was

gonna

marry

him

Get

Dr

Rubin

or

Dr

Ortiz

here

Dr

Memrack

to

ICU

West

Come

on

come

with

me

Over

here

 

Let

him

hear

your

voice

hon

 

Hi

Everything

is

gonna

be

okay

I

know

it

It's

gonna

be

fine

 

 

Is

that

the

woman

that

saved

his

life

Yeah

It

gets

even

better

than

that

She's

his

fiancée

Excuse

me

ma'am

I'm

sorry

but

I

need

to

ask

you

a

few

questions

 

 

Officer

may

I

interrupt

you

 

Sure

I'll

be

right

over

there

 

 

I'm

Dr

Rubin

 

Hi

I'm

Lucy

Don't

tell

me

about

passes

Where

the

hell

is

he

 

Dad

don't

embarrass

me

 

He's

so

pale

Oh

my

God

 

 

You

can't

come

bursting

into

this

unit

 

He'll

be

all

right

right

Right

 

What

happened

What's

going

on

 

He's

in

a

coma

 

Jesus

His

vital

signs

are

strong

his

brain

waves

are

good

 

 

He's

going

to

get

through

this

 

 

He

was

pushed

from

the

platform

at

the

train

station

Who's

she

 

She's

his

fiancée

 

 

 

Peter's

fiancée

 

Peter's

engaged

 

Yeah

I

thought

No

no

you

don't

understand

I

mean

he

would

have

told

us

right

Maybe

he

was

busy

Too

busy

to

tell

his

own

mother

he's

getting

married

 

Don't

yell

at

him

 

I'm

not

yelling

at

him

 

 

 

 

She's

got

a

little

heart

problem

She's

had

three

attacks

already

They

weren't

attacks

They

were

episodes

 

 

Excuse

me

Doctor

What

is

she

doing

in

here

Hey

buddy

she

saved

his

life

You

saved

his

life

Yeah

yeah

but

I

thought

he

was

pushed

off

a

train

platform

She

jumped

on

the

tracks

You

jumped

on

the

tracks

Doctor

it's

supposed

to

be

family

only

 

 

She's

the

fiancée

you

idiot

 

Look

I'm

sorry

you

don't

understand

 

I'm

awfully

sorry

We

haven't

seen

him

for

a

long

time

so

we

didn't

know

I

always

wanted

him

to

find

a

nice

girl

I'm

so

glad

he

found

you

Peter

 

 

 

I'm

not

his

fiancée

 

I'm

not

engaged

I've

never

even

spoken

to

the

guy

What

But

downstairs

you

said

You

said

you

were

gonna

marry

him

I

was

talking

to

myself

Well

next

time

you

talk

to

yourself

tell

yourself

you're

single

and

end

the

conversation

 

 

I

don't

know

She

held

me

so

tight

You

know

I

couldn't

tell

her

 

 

Excuse

me

nurse

 

 

Elsie

she

wants

nitroglycerin

For

her

heart

problem

Problem

Problems

You

know

something

I

think

you

saved

her

life

In

fact

I

think

you

saved

the

whole

family

Bless

you

Why

don't

you

come

with

me

I'll

take

you

down

there

So

tell

us

how

you

met

Peter

Ma

she

doesn't

wanna

talk

about

that

now

okay

Why

not

Could

use

a

nice

story

 

 

Why

shouldn't

it

be

nice

What

about

that

other

girl

The

one

he

met

in

the

bar

What's

that

got

to

do

with

the

price

of

eggs

 

 

All

I

know

is

she

was

pretty

high

and

mighty

for

someone

named

after

breakfast

meat

Well

he

has

a

nice

girl

now

So

did

you

steal

him

from

Ashley

I

bet

it

was

love

at

first

sight

Right

I

have

a

sense

about

these

things

 

Elsie

let

her

tell

it

 

I

bet

that

he

picked

you

up

in

that

fancy

car

of

his

What

was

it

about

him

that

you

know

first

struck

you

 

It

was

his

smile

 

They're

caps

Six

hundred

bucks

a

tooth

Well

we

saw

each

other

and

he

smiled

And

And

I

knew

that

my

life

would

never

be

the

same

So

 

Tomorrow

night

:

 

I

got

Ice

Capades

I

know

a

guy

Hi

Bet

you're

wondering

what

I'm

doing

here

in

the

middle

of

the

night

Well

I

thought

I

should

introduce

myself

My

name's

Lucy

Lucy

Eleanor

Moderatz

Think

you

should

know

your

family

thinks

we're

engaged

Never

been

engaged

before

This

is

all

very

sudden

for

me

What

I

really

came

here

to

tell

you

was

that

I

didn't

mean

for

this

to

happen

I

don't

know

what

to

do

I

mean

if

you

were

awake

I

wouldn't

be

in

this

mess

Oh

God

Not

that

I'm

blaming

you

Sorry

It's

just

that

you

know

when

I

was

a

kid

I

always

imagined

what

I

would

be

like

or

where

I

would

be

or

what

I

would

have

when

I

got

older

And

you

know

it

was

the

normal

stuff

You

know

I'd

have

a

house

and

family

and

things

like

that

You

know

not

that

I'm

complaining

or

anything

because

you

know

I

have

a

cat

I

have

an

apartment

Sole

possession

of

the

remote

control

That's

very

important

It's

just

I

never

met

anybody

that

I

could

laugh

with

you

know

Do

you

believe

in

love

at

first

sight

No

I

bet

you

don't

You're

probably

too

sensible

for

that

Or

have

you

ever

like

seen

somebody

and

you

knew

that

if

only

that

person

really

knew

you

they

would

Well

they

would

of

course

dump

the

perfect

model

that

they

were

with

and

realize

that

you

were

the

one

that

they

wanted

to

just

grow

old

with

Have

you

ever

fallen

in

love

with

somebody

you

haven't

even

talked

to

Have

you

ever

been

so

alone

you

spend

the

night

confusing

a

man

in

a

coma

Brian

Lynch

Mr

Brian

Lynch

please

call

Amber

Lynch

at

 

Oh

my

God

Bye

 

Lucy

We

didn't

know

you

were

here

 

 

 

 

 

You're

like

me

I

could

always

sleep

anywhere

And

believe

me

she

has

Way

to

go

Gram

So

how's

Peter

Well

he's

got

more

color

He

has

some

color

Looks

like

he

has

some

color

Yeah

Well

I

have

to

go

so

it

was

great

to

see

you

guys

again

 

Why

don't

you

tell

her

Go

on

tell

her

 

We

didn't

get

to

celebrate

Christmas

so

it

would

be

nice

if

you

could

join

us

I

would

love

to

but

I

can't

 

Jack's

gonna

be

there

 

That's

right

You

haven't

met

Jack

yet

 

No

not

yet

 

He'll

be

so

happy

to

meet

you

So

you'll

come

tonight

I

really

shouldn't

because

I

have

to

work

I

can't

Look

here

Put

your

phone

number

and

address

there

Midge'll

call

you

and

talk

you

into

it

Okay

Here's

another

card

for

when

you

change

your

mind

We're

in

the

estatefurniture

business

We

buy

furniture

from

dead

people

Okay

All

right

well

I

have

it

so

bye

 

Bye

dear

See

you

later

 

 

Ma'am

Excuse

me

ma'am

 

I'm

sorry

Mrs

Callaghan

These

are

your

husband's

things

He's

not

my

husband

I'm

sorry

Your

fiancé

You're

Peter's

fiancée

 

 

Colleague

of

Peter's

at

Lubel

Parker

Jacobs

and

Fink

 

 

He's

a

great

guy

He's

had

a

tough

year

What

with

the

accident

last

month

and

all

 

 

Well

of

course

it

was

an

accident

I

mean

it

wasn't

my

Did

he

tell

you

it

was

my

fault

We're

playing

basketball

all

right

I

carry

a

pencil

I'm

a

lawyer

I

do

that

 

 

Jesus

what's

he

It's

gonna

be

okay

So

what's

the

big

deal

What's

the

big

deal

Jerry

they

think

I'm

their

future

daughterinlaw

And

the

grandmother

she's

got

this

heart

thing

If

I

tell

the

truth

she's

gonna

have

a

heart

attack

and

die

and

it's

gonna

be

on

my

head

Well

then

go

along

with

it

And

when

Peter

comes

out

of

the

coma

the

family

will

be

so

happy

they

won't

care

that

you

lied

to

them

They'll

probably

even

thank

you

for

it

Just

mustard

Okay

what

if

he

doesn't

come

out

of

his

coma

Well

then

who's

to

know

 

I

don't

know

 

Now

look

look

Lucy

When

my

mother

found

out

I

was

getting

married

to

my

wife

her

intestines

exploded

 

Oh

my

God

 

Now

you

tell

them

now

you

might

as

well

shoot

Grandma

Come

on

Mel

Mel

Psst

psst

psst

What

am

I

doing

Lucy

 

Hi

Saul

Hi

 

 

 

Okay

Okay

Come

on

keep

me

company

for

a

while

I

don't

like

to

smoke

in

the

house

 

Listen

you

want

one

 

I'm

trying

to

quit

That's

good

Here

sit

down

They

don't

bother

you

do

they

No

no

I'm

fine

Did

you

know

that

I

was

Peter's

godfather

Really

I

thought

you

had

to

be

Catholic

for

that

Ox

fudged

it

over

He

donated

folding

chairs

to

Father

Shea's

bingo

night

You

know

being

a

godfather

is

very

important

to

Catholics

It

means

you're

practically

part

of

the

family

Well

you're

lucky

It's

really

important

to

have

family

around

this

time

of

year

Are

you

I

mean

are

your

parents

with

you

No

no

My

mom

died

when

I

was

really

young

And

a

couple

years

ago

my

dad

got

sick

And

we

moved

from

Indiana

to

Chicago

so

he

could

go

to

a

research

hospital

Research

A

medical

term

for

"very

expensive"

Yeah

Yeah

exactly

I

had

to

quit

school

and

then

I

started

working

for

the

CTA

And

about

a

year

ago

he

decided

he

had

had

enough

research

and

he

passed

away

My

wife

of

years

passed

away

two

years

ago

February

the

th

I'm

sorry

Yeah

it

was

a

rough

time

for

me

 

 

 

You're

good

friends

 

Lucy

the

Callaghans

Well

they

took

me

in

as

part

of

their

family

I'd

never

let

anyone

hurt

them

Neither

would

I

I

believe

you

wouldn't

Lucy

You

came

Hi

Saul

This

is

great

Okay

come

on

in

you

two

It's

freezing

out

here

Elsie

made

her

eggnog

 

Word

to

the

wise

drink

soda

 

Ox

Mom

look

who's

here

Lucy

came

What

a

surprise

 

Hi

Mary

 

Come

on

in

It's

cold

out

there

Oh

sweetheart

We've

got

the

most

wonderful

dinner

It

smells

so

good

Hi

This

is

so

beautiful

 

That's

Peter

on

the

right

 

He's

so

sweet

Yeah

the

squirrels

Eggnog

everyone

Ma

where

are

you

I'm

serving

your

eggnog

I'm

getting

my

camera

Come

on

everybody

Get

close

to

the

tree

Christmas

pictures

 

Lucy

come

on

 

Come

on

Lucy

 

Let's

go

 

Watch

the

birdie

Ma

take

it

again

I

blinked

You're

lucky

I'm

blind

Yeah

I

love

it

 

 

I

don't

drink

anymore

I

don't

drink

any

less

either

 

 

Look

at

this

More

presents

I'll

take

these

two

 

 

 

 

Pierced

Really

Oh

my

God

thank

you

 

We'll

go

to

WalMart

on

Monday

 

Don't

thank

me

If

it

was

up

to

me

I

would've

gotten

you

a

Barbie

 

 

 

 

Mom

this

is

for

you

To

Ox

from

Uncle

Al

Who

the

hell

is

Uncle

Al

Uncle

Al

You

know

Uncle

Al

from

Buffalo

 

 

To

Lucy

from

Santa

 

 

Yeah

that

Uncle

Al

That

was

a

real

good

Christmas

Seven

bow

ties

I

bet

 

You

shouldn't

have

 

That's

right

she

made

these

The

gold

watch

I

love

it

Sweetheart

it's

so

expensive

Gram

these

are

so

great

Thank

you

They're

so

pretty

You

remember

Uncle

Al

don't

you

No

Yeah

yeah

Well

he

wasn't

really

uncle

 

 

He

was

Daddy's

friend

right

 

 

No

Uncle

Al

This

is

Callaghan

Leave

a

message

and

I'll

get

back

to

you

Ciao

Hi

it's

Ashley

Lisbon

is

absolutely

gorgeous

but

I'm

cutting

my

trip

short

because

I

have

been

doing

a

lot

of

thinking

and

what

the

hey

I

will

marry

you

Jack

 

 

Hey

buddy

Don't

wake

Lucy

Who's

Lucy

Lucy's

Peter

fiancée

No

that's

not

Peter's

fiancée

You

haven't

met

her

No

Well

she's

great

You're

gonna

love

her

You

know

what

kid

Maybe

I'll

stay

the

night

Don't

eat

my

cereal

in

the

morning

So

it's

Mary's

special

cereal

Last

time

you

took

the

toy

surprise

remember

Good

morning

Oh

God

 

 

Good

morning

Jack

I

guess

I

don't

remember

meeting

you

Well

it's

probably

because

we've

never

met

That

might

have

something

to

do

with

it

Cab

I

have

to

go

I'm

really

late

because

I

have

to

go

But

it

was

nice

to

meet

you

Jack

So

bye

 

 

Okay

look

 

 

Welcome

to

the

family

Thank

you

Bye

We

pray

that

the

Lord's

healing

presence

will

be

felt

by

those

who

are

sick

and

by

their

families

Especially

JoJo

Goreki

Peter

Callaghan

Craig

Little

and

Peggy

Dunne

We

pray

to

the

Lord

 

Lord

hear

our

prayer

 

Lord

hear

our

prayer

O

God

you

call

us

to

live

as

one

family

 

 

So

who's

this

Lucy

She's

your

brother's

fiancée

You'd

think

if

Peter

were

getting

married

he

would

have

announced

it

in

the

Tribune

 

 

So

why

did

she

sneak

out

this

morning

She

has

a

job

I

like

Mass

better

in

Latin

It's

nicer

when

you

don't

know

what

they're

saying

 

 

 

What

about

Downey's

 

 

Himmelstein's

 

 

 

Himmelstein's

took

too

long

 

For

Chrissake

Jack

 

Look

you're

running

the

business

now

There's

something

I'd

like

to

talk

about

 

Talk

about

that

later

okay

 

 

He

can't

kill

you

in

church

 

Hey

be

nice

pally

We're

in

church

 

You're

disrupting

the

Mass

 

Ox

How

did

Joe

Kelly

get

to

be

a

lector

He

takes

marijuana

Amen

 

Hi

Luce

 

Hi

Lucy

Hi

Lucy

Come

on

you

stupid

wing

nut

Your

mother's

Excuse

me

do

you

live

here

Live

here

I

own

this

place

Great

Well

then

you

would

know

the

woman

that

lives

in

 

Know

her

I'm

dating

her

Very

clean

Kitty

Kitty

Rich

kitty

Come

here

Mealtime

Kitty

kitty

kitty

Kitty

kitty

kitty

Kitty

Kitty

Food

Kitty

kitty

kitty

Come

here

Come

here

Come

on

honey

Where

are

you

I'm

so

sorry

Nice

shot

I'll

get

you

some

ice

I'm

sorry

I

wasn't

expecting

anybody

Hey

how'd

you

get

in

here

Key

Key

You

stay

here

a

lot

You

know

feed

the

cat

Peter

doesn't

have

a

cat

Hello

Hello

honey

Fluffy

Hello

Fluffy

You

must

be

so

hungry

Are

you

gonna

get

that

No

I'm

gonna

let

the

machine

get

it

Hello

It's

for

you

Hello

Okay

Byebye

That

was

the

hospital

They

say

it's

customary

for

friends

and

family

to

come

down

and

give

blood

Let's

go

together

You

know

what

I

think

maybe

we

should

take

your

truck

No

we

ought

to

take

Peter's

car

Okay

You

know

where

it's

parked

don't

you

Yeah

I

Yeah

Hey

we'll

have

to

get

your

picture

for

the

mantel

 

 

No

of

you

and

Peter

I'm

not

that

photogenic

I

doubt

that

All

right

now

I

want

you

to

sit

here

and

sip

this

or

you'll

get

woozy

When

did

you

start

seeing

Peter

September

th

 

Three

months

That's

quick

 

 

That's

fast

That's

 

I'm

fine

 

That's

a

fast

engagement

 

Wait

I'm

not

finished

I

got

it

I

got

it

I

got

it

What

the

hell's

he

got

a

TV

for

He's

in

a

coma

for

Chrissakes

Ox

You

know

he

might

hear

you

Then

get

him

a

radio

Maybe

he'd

like

us

to

sing

to

him

Maybe

Lucy

knows

his

favorite

song

 

 

Dragon

Which

one

of

the

Three

Stooges

was

Peter's

favorite

 

 

 

He's

everybody's

favorite

 

Well

I

like

Shemp

 

 

 

 

Cubs

or

White

Sox

What

the

heck

is

going

on

Why

are

you

asking

her

all

these

questions

Don't

ask

me

Ask

her

boyfriend

That

isn't

very

funny

you

know

No

no

Not

this

boyfriend

Joe

Fusco

Joe

Jr

That's

right

Mr

Joe

Fusco

Jr

He

said

that

you

were

intimate

Yeah

well

he

also

said

he

invented

aluminum

foil

He's

delusional

He

was

very

lucid

when

I

talked

to

him

Oh

dear

Oh

dear

 

Ma

are

you

okay

 

What

did

I

do

You

know

if

she

wanted

to

prove

it

she'd

prove

it

Peter

has

one

testicle

 

 

About

a

month

ago

there

was

an

accident

and

he

was

playing

basketball

and

his

friend

had

a

pencil

in

his

back

pocket

Maybe

No

Oh

no

 

Well

somebody's

gotta

look

 

Don't

look

at

me

 

 

Yeah

maybe

 

Listen

it's

not

my

 

Okay

I'm

his

mother

Oh

Ma

Well

look

at

the

bright

side

He's

got

more

room

in

his

Jockey

shorts

Ma

 

 

 

 

 

 

To

the

Ice

Capades

I

had

to

eat

your

ticket

I

never

said

I

would

go

on

a

date

with

you

 

Yes

you

did

 

No

I

didn't

 

 

Didn't

 

 

Lucy

it's

Saul

 

Oh

my

God

 

What

are

you

twotiming

Joe

Jr

I'm

not

twotiming

I

never

onetimed

 

Hey

I'll

fight

the

guy

 

 

 

Hey

I

like

boxer

shorts

but

I'll

try

these

if

 

 

No

TV

It's

on

next

door

Do

you

want

some

coffee

or

tea

or

something

No

no

Not

a

thing

Lucy

there's

something

you

should

know

What

Well

the

night

you

visited

Peter

I

was

outside

the

door

I

know

the

truth

Sorry

You

know

you

don't

have

to

worry

because

I'm

gonna

tell

them

everything

Don't

tell

them

a

thing

You

remember

the

day

you

said

you'd

never

do

anything

to

hurt

the

family

 

 

Well

since

they

met

you

they

figure

they

have

Peter

back

Now

if

you

tell

them

the

truth

you'll

take

him

away

again

They

need

you

Lucy

Just

like

you

need

them

Now

look

I

know

you're

a

good

girl

And

I

know

you'll

do

the

right

thing

 

I

don't

know

 

Yeah

Yes

you

will

By

the

way

how

did

you

know

about

the

Peter

with

the

one

You

know

something

I

don't

wanna

know

Bye

Oh

my

God

What

are

you

What

 

 

 

You're

trying

on

my

shoes

 

When

I

fell

my

foot

went

right

into

the

shoe

 

 

It's

me

Jack

Callaghan

Oh

my

God

doesn't

anybody

use

a

phone

anymore

 

 

I'm

not

talking

about

numbers

Who

told

Hi

So

more

questions

No

I

have

an

engagement

present

for

you

You

really

shouldn't

have

I

didn't

It's

from

my

parents

It's

furniture

You

want

me

to

bring

it

up

Hey

was

that

Saul

I

saw

leaving

What's

that

Cat

Big

cat

I

think

you

should

bring

it

to

Bring

it

to

Peter's

apartment

 

You

don't

know

what

it

is

 

Well

you

know

anything

would

look

nicer

in

Peter's

apartment

You

know

what

I'll

come

with

you

You

know

what

I

think

you

parked

too

You

know

I

think

you

parked

too

close

to

the

other

car

I

had

to

We

gotta

unload

the

furniture

Ready

for

your

surprise

Tada

That

is

great

That

is

so

great

 

 

Too

bad

Ox

bought

you

the

love

seat

 

I'm

sorry

 

Don't

be

I

made

this

 

This

No

you

didn't

 

Shocking

isn't

it

 

 

My

God

this

is

perfect

You

should

go

into

business

or

something

Well

that

gets

tricky

Yeah

working

with

your

dad

and

everything

right

The

business

used

to

be

called

Callaghan

and

Sons

and

when

Peter

went

off

to

law

school

it

became

Callaghan

and

Son

If

I

were

to

leave

it'll

just

be

Callaghan

Let's

take

a

second

here

and

unlock

the

doors

No

I

got

it

I

got

it

See

Here

we

go

This

technique

It's

always

very

A

very

modern

technique

Excuse

me

sir

What

apartment

G

Well

sir

I'm

sorry

but

guests

have

to

be

announced

you

know

Well

I'm

with

her

I'm

helping

her

 

 

You

don't

know

her

No

But

I'm

new

here

Well

she's

Peter

Callaghan's

fiancée

in

G

Yeah

They

told

me

about

her

sir

She's

scary

Tell

me

about

it

Be

careful

Maybe

we

should

angle

it

a

little

bit

I

think

it's

wedged

Why

don't

you

step

back

for

a

little

bit

I'm

gonna

try

an

old

trick

What's

the

trick

Push

it

really

hard

Okay

Okay

okay

push

I

did

Do

you

want

me

to

help

you

now

 

All

right

a

little

help

would

be

good

 

Ready

One

two

three

I

think

the

sofa

should

go

right

there

Oh

no

No

no

no

Look

at

this

Idiot

has

blocked

me

in

 

 

Hey

check

the

meter

see

what

time

It's

:

They

can

pretty

much

stay

here

all

night

if

they

wanted

to

All

night

Good

night

You're

just

gonna

leave

me

here

with

the

truck

Basically

yeah

Well

maybe

I

ought

to

walk

you

back

Well

what

for

 

 

No

I'm

fine

I'm

okay

For

me

I

don't

wanna

be

here

by

myself

This

is

Chicago

You

look

cold

 

 

How

about

you

This

jacket's

reversible

I'm

wearing

the

warm

side

now

I

see

You

need

a

better

coat

 

This

is

my

dad's

 

Then

he's

probably

freezing

He

passed

away

 

 

It's

not

your

fault

He

passed

away

last

year

I

don't

even

remember

my

mom

so

Well

what

was

he

like

He

was

a

lot

like

me

Dark

hair

flat

chest

What

do

you

remember

most

about

him

That

Okay

Well

He

liked

maps

Yeah

I

live

by

maps

My

truck's

filled

with

them

He

used

to

hear

of

a

place

on

the

TV

we

would

pull

out

the

atlas

we'd

find

where

it

was

and

we'd

route

out

this

like

little

way

to

get

there

If

there

was

one

place

in

the

world

where

you'd

go

Florence

Italy

I

haven't

delivered

any

furniture

to

Florence

yet

 

but

I'm

told

it's

nice

 

I

take

it

you've

never

been

there

Well

you

know

the

L

doesn't

exactly

make

it

all

the

way

to

Florence

so

But

I

do

have

My

passport

 

 

Yes

I

do

Yes

well

just

in

case

I

need

to

quickly

leave

the

country

 

 

Yeah

it's

perfect

It's

great

You're

right

You're

not

very

photogenic

at

all

Just

joking

There

aren't

any

stamps

in

that

Yeah

well

I

haven't

gone

anywhere

yet

But

you

know

I'm

planning

the

trip

to

Florence

really

soon

so

you

know

I'll

go

That'll

make

your

dad

very

proud

Yeah

You

know

in

a

very

small

way

you

kind

of

remind

me

of

him

a

little

bit

I

see

So

he

was

a

classy

guy

always

a

gentleman

A

working

man

who

Who

just

stepped

in

doggy

poopy

Now

that's

classy

That's

classy

All

right

tell

me

more

Where

did

you

grow

up

God

you've

just

become

Mr

Chatty

this

evening

The

fact

is

I'm

about

to

start

shivering

and

making

conversation

keeps

my

face

from

freezing

Thank

you

I

had

a

good

time

 

It's

slippery

here

Come

on

 

I'm

fine

We

got

this

far

I'll

take

you

the

rest

of

the

way

You

gotta

watch

out

A

little

icy

So

you

gonna

go

see

Peter

tomorrow

 

 

 

No

it's

all

right

Not

too

bad

 

This

is

big

 

 

 

 

I

think

we're

all

right

now

Yeah

Let's

just

move

this

way

This

way

 

 

What

was

that

Was

that

my

pants

or

my

muscles

Give

me

your

hand

Give

me

your

hand

 

 

Oh

man

Do

you

have

an

extra

pair

of

pants

in

your

apartment

If

you

fit

into

my

pants

I

will

kill

myself

 

You

don't

have

to

follow

me

 

No

you're

blocking

the

wind

I'll

wait

till

you

get

inside

Well

good

night

Night

 

I'll

see

you

when

I

see

you

 

All

right

Lucy

it's

either

me

or

him

Him

You

don't

have

to

answer

right

away

I'm

having

an

affair

I

like

Jack

Who's

Jack

 

Peter's

brother

 

 

So

he

thinks

I'm

engaged

 

To

Peter

Lucy

I

really

don't

have

time

for

this

Oh

no

no

no

You

have

to

tell

me

what

to

do

Tell

the

truth

If

I

tell

Jack

that

I

lied

to

his

family

he

will

never

speak

to

me

again

And

Ox

and

Midge

and

Mary

and

Saul

Saul

Who's

Saul

He's

the

nextdoor

neighbor

But

you

know

what

Actually

he

knows

Lucy

you're

born

into

a

family

You

do

not

join

them

like

you

do

the

Marines

You

have

to

tell

me

what

to

do

Pull

the

plug

 

 

I'm

sick

You're

cheating

on

a

vegetable

Down

and

dirty

Are

you

gonna

fold

You're

not

gonna

fold

He

is

staying

in

with

a

pair

Very

impressive

Very

bold

confident

Full

house

You

are

unlucky

at

cards

But

lucky

in

love

Remember

in

like

fifth

or

sixth

grade

I

was

starting

to

get

really

good

at

poker

and

going

home

with

lots

of

lunch

money

I

got

to

know

the

principal's

office

really

well

He

always

used

to

say

to

me

"How

come

you

can't

be

more

like

your

brother

Peter"

Well

you

know

what

I

was

all

right

with

that

I

had

no

problems

with

that

because

I

was

proud

of

you

And

I

was

never

envious

of

anything

that

you

had

Until

now

I'll

cut

the

deck

High

card

gets

Lucy

All

right

we'll

go

best

out

of

three

So

Lucy

have

you

and

Peter

decided

where

you're

gonna

go

on

your

honeymoon

I

went

to

Cuba

Ricky

Ricardo

was

Cuban

Didn't

Peter

look

great

today

That

kid

You

know

he

should've

been

an

actor

He's

tall

All

the

great

ones

were

tall

Lucy

you

think

you

can

find

me

a

nice

girl

for

Jack

Mom

come

on

Well

I

really

don't

know

Jack's

type

so

I'm

not

one

to

I

like

blonds

Chubby

ones

Alan

Ladd

wasn't

tall

Marshal

Dillon

was

'"

Well

we

all

know

who

Lucy's

type

is

These

mashed

potatoes

are

so

creamy

You

like

brunettes

I

could

never

make

a

good

pot

roast

You

need

good

beef

Argentina

has

great

beef

Beef

and

Nazis

John

Wayne

was

tall

Dustin

Hoffman

was

'"

Would

you

wanna

see

Dustin

Hoffman

save

the

Alamo

These

mashed

potatoes

are

so

creamy

 

 

 

 

I

didn't

say

Cesar

Romero

was

Spanish

Well

what

did

you

say

I

said

Cesar

Romero

was

tall

 

We

all

know

he's

tall

 

Well

that's

what

I

said

Cesar

Romero

was

tall

That's

all

I

said

So

if

you

need

any

help

with

history

don't

call

me

Now

remember

honey

if

you're

free

for

New

Year's

we

wanna

see

you

 

 

 

 

Us

too

 

 

Byebye

Lucy

Hey

look

you

guys

You're

under

the

mistletoe

 

Kiss

her

then

It's

mistletoe

 

 

It's

tradition

 

It's

Christmas

Come

on

idiot

kiss

her

 

 

 

 

Good

night

Mary

we're

on

dish

detail

tonight

 

Let's

go

 

I

don't

wanna

hear

any

excuses

Since

the

first

year

I

remember

Regular

fare

One

token

please

My

God

Mary

what

are

you

doing

here

Hi

You

wanna

come

through

 

 

Yeah

absolutely

Come

on

in

Transfer

please

 

 

Hey

who's

this

 

I'm

Mary

This

is

Beth

 

Mary's

my

Lucy's

going

to

marry

my

brother

Peter

What

Lucy

you're

getting

married

Well

it

hasn't

really

been

announced

So

it's

a

little

awkward

for

me

to

say

anything

and

 

 

Train

Okay

I'll

see

you

later

Thank

you

for

coming

It's

nice

to

meet

you

Beth

Girl

are

you

pregnant

Yes

I'm

pregnant

Celeste

Lucy

you're

not

telling

me

what's

going

on

You're

not

giving

me

details

What's

going

on

Celeste

you

have

to

have

sex

in

order

to

be

pregnant

But

I

thought

you

were

engaged

Well

we're

waiting

Waiting

Peter

Hi

it's

Ashley

Is

this

machine

working

Look

I'm

back

in

Chicago

and

I'm

kind

of

shocked

that

you

haven't

called

me

back

Look

I

really

would

like

to

hear

from

you

and

I'd

like

to

see

my

cat

Call

me

New

Year's

Eve

hasn't

been

the

same

since

Guy

Lombardo

died

I

love

a

clarinet

You

know

nobody

plays

the

clarinet

anymore

Guy

Lombardo

didn't

play

the

clarinet

I

didn't

say

Guy

Lombardo

played

the

clarinet

 

Hey

Pop

 

Your

Benny

Goodman

he

could

play

the

licorice

stick

 

 

Hey

way

to

go

 

 

That's

great

 

That's

great

Attaboy

 

Hey

everybody

Lucy's

pregnant

How

did

you

find

out

What

do

you

mean

she's

pregnant

 

 

That's

what

Beth

said

Jack

do

you

know

anything

about

this

Go

up

to

your

room

 

 

I'm

not

here

I

know

that

trick

Hey

my

old

man's

got

a

set

of

keys

That

is

illegal

and

you

know

it

Joey

Tada

I

told

them

to

give

me

the

same

ones

they

use

in

the

winner's

circle

at

Arlington

They're

beautiful

I

can't

accept

them

I

could

move

in

here

I

bet

you

Pop

would

knock

 

bucks

off

the

rent

I

have

six

months

left

to

live

You're

just

trying

to

make

me

feel

better

It's

that

other

guy

isn't

it

What

do

you

mean

I've

seen

the

way

you

look

at

him

What

How

do

I

look

at

him

Like

you

just

seen

your

first

Trans

Am

Here

take

them

You

can

lay

them

on

my

coffin

Thank

you

Are

you

wearing

the

black

bra

I

love

black

underwears

Jack

 

 

You're

going

to

a

party

Yeah

my

friend

Celeste

is

having

a

party

tonight

Great

Hey

I'll

drive

you

You

know

what

It's

really

not

that

far

It's

fine

No

come

on

come

on

Okay

but

it's

really

not

that

far

I

move

a

lot

of

things

with

this

truck

So

is

everything

okay

Why

Why

wouldn't

it

be

okay

You're

just

acting

really

weird

 

No

I'm

not

being

weird

 

Yes

you

are

No

I'm

not

being

weird

 

So

what

about

Peter

 

Peter

is

going

to

have

a

lot

to

deal

with

when

he

wakes

up

 

Lucy

hi

How

are

you

 

Come

in

come

in

Hey

everybody

Lucy

and

her

fiancé

are

here

 

Lucy

How's

it

going

 

Jerry

you

know

Peter

right

Thank

you

Hi

Take

his

coat

Cindy

 

 

Well

jeez

he

looks

good

That's

not

Peter

that's

Jack

 

Who's

Jack

again

 

Peter's

brother

 

Peter's

the

guy

who's

in

the

coma

 

So

then

why

did

you

bring

Jack

I

didn't

bring

Jack

He

followed

me

here

 

So

Jack's

the

fiancé

 

No

Peter

Peter

doesn't

even

know

you

exist

 

 

Yeah

 

 

They

have

doctors

for

this

kind

of

thing

Hey

 

That's

spiked

 

 

You

shouldn't

have

any

 

Because

it's

not

good

for

the

baby

Wait

a

minute

will

you

 

It's

freezing

 

Watch

out

watch

out

This

whole

evening

did

not

work

out

well

at

all

and

And

I'm

supposed

to

share

some

responsibility

in

that

No

Would

you

slow

down

a

little

bit

Look

it

was

just

a

misunderstanding

and

on

top

of

the

Joe

Jr

Thing

Excuse

me

It's

nothing

No

no

no

there's

no

nothing

now

What

Joe

Jr

Thing

The

leaning

thing

The

leaning

thing

 

 

What

do

you

mean

by

the

leaning

Because

he

gave

me

flowers

And

then

you

leaned

 

 

Okay

How

did

I

lean

when

I

leaned

 

 

It

was

a

lot

different

than

hugging

Hugging's

very

different

Hugging

that

involves

arms

and

hands

and

leaning

is

whole

bodies

moving

in

like

this

Leaning

involves

wanting

and

accepting

leaning

Hey

Luce

Is

this

guy

bothering

you

No

no

Are

you

sure

Because

it

looks

like

he's

leaning

Thank

you

See

I'll

be

right

over

here

if

you

need

me

Okay

thank

you

very

much

I

know

karate

Okay

is

Now

all

right

what

about

the

other

thing

The

other

thing

The

other

misunderstanding

Why

did

you

think

I

was

pregnant

Well

Mary

said

that

she

had

heard

something

like

that

And

you

believed

her

I

didn't

have

any

reason

not

to

believe

her

So

the

only

reason

your

brother

would

wanna

marry

someone

like

me

is

if

I

was

pregnant

right

No

no

Good

night

The

fact

is

you're

not

really

Peter's

type

Yeah

Jack

All

right

Whose

type

am

I

 

 

Look

it's

a

great

idea

you

and

Peter

It's

just

not

obvious

to

the

whole

world

that's

all

You

know

what

Jack

I've

had

a

really

lousy

Christmas

You've

just

managed

to

kill

my

New

Year's

If

you

come

back

on

Easter

you

can

burn

down

my

apartment

 

Hey

come

on

Lucy

 

What

do

you

want

from

me

Jack

I

want

you

not

to

be

unhappy

And

what

are

you

the

happiness

guru

Jack

Are

you

happy

I

don't

remember

you

having

had

a

conversation

with

your

father

You

wanna

leave

the

business

don't

you

Is

this

just

another

miscommunication

that

we

are

having

here

What

do

you

know

about

my

family

Spending

a

week

with

them

does

not

make

you

an

expert

Spending

a

lifetime

with

them

hasn't

made

you

one

either

Yeah

well

I

know

that

keeping

your

family

happy

gets

complicated

Would

your

father

be

happy

knowing

you're

sitting

in

a

token

booth

planning

vacations

that

you

aren't

taking

No

he

wouldn't

You're

right

But

you

have

no

idea

what

it's

like

to

be

alone

Hey

you

have

Peter

I

don't

have

anybody

 

Happy

New

Year

 

Happy

New

Year

Good

night

Happy

New

Year

Happy

New

Year

Ox

they

called

me

and

told

me

to

get

down

here

 

 

He's

awake

Will

the

Meyers

family

please

meet

in

the

solarium

 

Boy

will

he

be

glad

to

see

you

 

Peter

Peter

Your

family's

here

Peter

Who

are

you

My

God

He's

got

amnesia

Lacunar

amnesia

is

a

condition

in

which

memory

loss

is

localized

and

patchy

Limited

to

isolated

events

 

 

Okay

exactly

I'm

sorry

I

need

to

tell

you

something

that

is

really

important

 

 

We

know

Jack

called

us

 

 

Hey

so

he's

come

out

of

it

I'm

so

glad

you're

here

honey

Excuse

me

Doctor

He's

up

again

All

right

let's

go

Jack

I'm

so

glad

you're

here

 

 

Now

now

listen

Let

me

handle

it

I'm

too

old

a

friend

and

too

old

a

person

for

them

to

kill

 

I'll

take

care

of

it

 

 

And

I'll

do

it

right

now

Come

on

 

I'm

right

behind

you

 

How

you

feeling

champ

 

I

don't

know

Hi

Hey

remember

her

 

 

She

looks

a

little

familiar

 

 

I

think

it's

coming

back

 

 

What's

coming

back

Tell

me

 

 

Peter

you

have

amnesia

I

do

Peter

you're

engaged

 

 

Lucy

Who's

Lucy

You

don't

remember

do

you

Excuse

me

Got

some

JellO

for

you

today

Do

I

like

JellO

I

think

he's

had

enough

excitement

for

one

evening

 

Let's

all

go

home

 

Hang

in

there

champ

 

Good

night

honey

 

Good

night

Mom

 

It's

so

good

to

see

you

 

 

He

looks

so

good

you

know

 

He's

going

to

be

fine

 

 

All

right

we'll

be

back

Jack

you

too

Come

on

Let's

go

home

Saul

where

have

you

been

What

I'm

not

allowed

to

go

to

the

bathroom

 

 

I'm

handling

it

 

 

On

my

golden

anniversary

 

Lucy

I'll

tell

them

 

I

said

I'd

tell

them

A

B

C

D

E

F

G

Jack

you've

been

really

great

this

week

Yeah

like

when

I

accused

you

of

lying

to

everybody

Or

when

I

accused

you

of

having

a

relationship

with

Joe

Jr

Or

when

I

thought

you

were

pregnant

and

I

announced

it

to

all

your

friends

You've

had

a

really

busy

week

this

week

haven't

you

Look

Jack

I

Starting

tomorrow

things

are

probably

gonna

be

kind

of

different

Yeah

I

just

wanted

you

to

know

that

you've

become

a

really

good

friend

Okay

Good

friend

 

 

I

didn't

mean

what

I

said

about

you

and

Peter

I

think

you

two

are

gonna

make

a

really

terrific

couple

And

I'm

really

glad

that

you

won't

be

alone

anymore

 

 

Jack

Is

that

you

Hey

Pop

 

 

You're

a

savior

Your

mother's

got

me

eating

these

fatfree

bran

muffins

They

taste

like

plywood

Catching

up

It's

been

almost

a

week

since

I

read

the

obituaries

You

know

we

missed

a

lot

of

good

stuff

the

day

after

Christmas

Been

a

hell

of

a

week

hasn't

it

Life

is

a

pain

in

the

ass

I'll

tell

you

You

know

you

work

hard

try

to

provide

for

the

family

and

then

for

one

minute

everything's

good

Everyone's

well

everyone's

happy

In

that

one

minute

you

have

peace

Pop

This

isn't

that

minute

What

do

you

mean

You

remember

that

rocking

chair

I

made

for

Grandma

Are

you

kidding

me

It's

so

fancy

she

won't

even

sit

in

it

This

fancy

chair

two

months

ago

I

sold

three

just

like

it

I've

sold

two

dining

tables

I

got

orders

for

six

more

Well

that's

a

good

side

business

It's

not

a

side

business

This

is

good

business

Wait

a

second

You

don't

want

my

business

No

I

don't

 

 

Well

why

didn't

you

say

something

sooner

I

could

have

sold

the

whole

damn

thing

to

Uncle

Eddy

for

twice

its

value

I

could

have

taken

your

mother

on

the

cruise

with

Kathie

Lee

Gifford

You're

not

mad

at

me

Are

you

nuts

You

are

nuts

You

wanna

make

rocking

chairs

Hey

Mrs

Fletcher

finally

went

Her

dining

room

alone

has

got

to

be

worth

grand

Yeah

Those

McMurphy

boys

they

were

moving

in

before

the

deed

was

done

That's

their

problem

They're

too

pushy

 

They're

pushy

aren't

they

 

We'll

call

them

next

week

You

call

them

next

week

That's

right

I'll

call

them

next

week

Yeah

 

 

I'm

sorry

 

 

Eighthgrade

locker

combination

Birth

date

 

You

have

to

remember

Lucy

Social

security

number

 

You

love

her

You

just

don't

remember

Threepointseventhree

grade

point

average

Northwestern

University

Can

I

talk

to

Peter

alone

 

Everything

okay

Saul

 

Senior

class

president

 

I

just

wanna

talk

to

my

godson

 

 

 

We'll

be

back

 

We'll

see

you

later

 

You

sure

Saul

 

Yeah

yeah

sure

 

See

you

son

 

See

you

Dad

Peter

I've

known

you

since

you

were

born

I've

been

to

every

major

event

in

your

life

from

Cub

Scouts

to

Well

to

the

day

you

discovered

hair

on

your

schmeckel

You've

got

a

good

education

You're

very

popular

with

all

those

friends

of

yours

You

make

a

nice

living

And

everybody

knows

you're

a

goodlooking

kid

But

Peter

you're

a

putz

Excuse

me

Now

look

I'm

your

godfather

I

mean

I

love

you

I

couldn't

love

you

any

more

if

you

were

my

own

son

But

the

fact

of

the

matter

is

you're

Well

you're

a

putz

Is

there

a

point

to

this

Lucy

Peter

there's

something

you

have

to

know

about

her

You

see

she

Well

She's

You

know

She's

not

only

your

fiancée

she's

your

guardian

angel

Yeah

Peter

she

saved

your

life

Now

she's

coming

to

see

you

today

and

I

want

you

to

do

yourself

a

favor

I

want

you

to

look

deeply

into

her

eyes

and

listen

with

the

heart

of

a

man

who

has

just

been

given

a

second

chance

at

life

And

after

two

minutes

if

you're

not

madly

in

love

with

her

why

tell

her

you

wanna

break

up

And

you

can

go

back

to

being

a

putz

But

if

in

the

two

minutes

you

see

what

the

rest

of

us

only

took

seconds

to

see

you

will

propose

to

her

for

the

second

time

and

marry

her

before

she

has

a

chance

to

escape

Before

she

comes

take

a

little

time

and

think

about

what

an

old

putz

just

told

you

All

right

You

know

if

I

was

years

younger

I'd

marry

her

myself

That

is

if

she'd

convert

 

Hey

that's

a

joke

 

Lucy

 

 

I

came

to

bring

you

back

your

things

Would

you

like

a

sandwich

No

no

I'm

okay

thanks

Can

I

get

you

anything

I

wish

I

had

my

own

clothes

Well

I

like

your

blue

pinstripe

 

 

 

That's

my

favorite

 

Yeah

Please

sit

down

I

saw

a

picture

of

you

when

you

saved

the

three

squirrels

They

never

call

they

never

write

That

was

a

long

time

ago

Yeah

I

guess

we

don't

get

to

do

many

heroic

things

as

an

adult

That's

for

sure

You

do

though

No

Jumping

in

front

of

that

train

was

unusual

I

don't

think

I've

done

anything

truly

heroic

my

whole

life

I

chased

a

purse

snatcher

once

Well

that's

something

I

pretended

to

pull

a

hamstring

Well

most

guys

probably

wouldn't

have

chased

after

him

in

the

first

place

I

mean

I

work

at

the

L

Believe

me

I

know

You

give

up

your

seat

every

day

in

the

train

Well

That's

not

heroic

It

is

to

the

person

who

sits

in

it

And

you

always

gave

me

something

to

look

forward

to

every

day

so

You

know

you

do

remind

me

of

someone

It's

probably

you

Excuse

me

Excuse

me

ma'am

What

apartment

 

You're

new

 

Yes

ma'am

What

apartment

I'm

going

to

Peter

Callaghan's

apartment

And

your

name

please

Ashley

Bartlett

Bacon

I

am

Peter's

fiancée

You're

not

his

fiancée

Hey

looking

good

Yeah

well

they're

moving

me

to

the

second

floor

Great

Mind

if

I

drove

No

problem

See

you

by

the

elevators

All

right

Okay

There

we

go

It's

a

little

drafty

Here

I

brought

you

some

contraband

Chocolate

peanut

butter

Thanks

Hey

Lucy's

pretty

terrific

isn't

she

 

 

We're

engaged

you

know

Yeah

I

heard

that

Now

this

I

remember

Everything

is

better

Everything

looks

better

feels

better

Even

this

chocolate

peanut

butter

tastes

better

Good

It's

fudge

mint

Whatever

I'm

reborn

If

you

were

a

priest

right

now

I'd

confess

everything

to

you

No

no

don't

confess

I'm

trying

to

be

positive

right

now

Just

eat

your

ice

cream

I

don't

know

what

my

secretary

sent

Mom

and

Dad

for

Christmas

It

was

a

fruit

basket

Now

look

I

don't

wanna

 

I've

never

been

faithful

 

I'm

gonna

leave

Remember

the

squirrels

Don't

even

say

it

First

I

knocked

them

out

of

their

nest

with

a

rock

Peter

Then

I

saved

them

Did

you

say

any

of

this

to

Lucy

That

was

in

the

past

I'm

making

a

clean

start

with

Lucy

She

is

She

is

She

What

is

she

She's

I'd

say

that

she

gets

under

your

skin

as

soon

as

you

meet

her

She

drives

you

so

nuts

you

don't

know

whether

to

hug

her

or

just

really

armwrestle

her

She

would

go

all

the

way

to

Europe

just

to

get

a

stamp

in

her

passport

I

don't

know

if

that

amounts

to

insanity

or

just

being

really

really

likeable

No

that's

not

it

But

she's

gotta

be

really

special

She's

gotta

be

And

I

can

spend

the

rest

of

my

life

finding

out

why

I

don't

have

to

know

now

I

don't

have

to

know

tomorrow

I

don't

have

to

know

in

a

year

or

years

I

don't

have

to

I

don't

have

to

have

all

the

answers

today

or

Maybe

someday

I'll

have

a

clue

but

it

doesn't

mean

I

can't

make

a

lifetime

commitment

Does

this

make

any

sense

Not

really

but

that's

common

after

a

head

injury

My

shoes

 

 

What'd

they

say

 

 

You

missed

them

Well

what

was

their

reaction

to

the

news

 

I

didn't

tell

them

yet

 

What

do

you

mean

Saul

 

Now

what

about

Peter

 

Well

I

didn't

tell

him

either

What

You

said

you

were

gonna

handle

this

 

I'll

handle

it

 

 

 

 

 

You're

fired

Fired

 

 

 

Two

please

 

Four

please

Dr

Biloxi

Dr

Biloxi

to

ICU

North

Dr

Biloxi

Dr

Biloxi

to

ICU

North

 

 

You're

welcome

 

 

You're

engaged

May

I

remind

you

that

you

proposed

to

me

You

said

no

We

broke

up

No

no

I

was

confused

We

stepped

back

You

moved

to

Portugal

Yes

well

I

didn't

think

you

were

going

to

run

out

and

marry

the

first

bimbo

that

you

came

across

Lucy's

not

a

bimbo

Lucy

Lucy

who

I

don't

remember

Liar

I

don't

remember

proposing

I

was

in

a

coma

I

have

amnesia

Amnesia

Well

now

that's

rich

All

right

fine

I

want

my

stuff

back

Fine

 

 

Your

nose

You

can't

take

my

nose

back

I

paid

for

it

Well

then

here

You

paid

for

these

too

Keep

them

I'm

a

changed

man

Ashley

Go

ahead

Go

ahead

and

marry

her

you

oneballed

bastard

Holy

buckets

Peter

Moving

on

to

greener

pastures

Yeah

You

got

it

pal

 

 

Yes

the

doctor

 

Lucy

they

moved

him

 

Come

with

me

downstairs

Lucy

What

 

 

Hi

Peter

My

God

you

look

really

good

I

feel

really

good

You

know

what

Facing

death

makes

a

man

evaluate

his

life

And

I've

been

thinking

about

mine

and

haven't

liked

what

I've

seen

I've

seen

a

man

who

has

courtside

tickets

to

the

Bulls

a

lucrative

investment

portfolio

An

apartment

on

la

rue

du

Faubourg

SaintHonoré

 

 

But

I've

also

seen

a

man

who

has

no

one

to

trust

no

one

to

wanna

have

a

son

with

You

were

there

when

I

needed

someone

the

most

You

gave

me

a

second

chance

at

life

It

took

a

coma

to

wake

me

up

My

family

loves

you

I

might

as

well

love

you

Lucy

Eleanor

Moderatz

will

you

marry

me

Wanda

Wanda

are

you

all

right

Honey

Wanda

Your

hair

is

looking

very

big

tonight

Why

thank

you

I

love

your

new

cologne

Yeah

it's

called

Paris

Guy

It's

from

France

 

 

 

Hey

are

you

going

to

see

Lucy

 

She

is

the

bestlooking

chick

in

this

building

Hey

But

you

are

the

bestlooking

chick

on

the

third

floor

 

 

No

This

one

This

one

I

don't

want

any

flowers

from

you

I

am

not

wearing

black

underwear

and

I

definitely

do

not

wanna

move

in

with

you

Jack

Well

I

don't

have

any

flowers

I

wouldn't

mind

seeing

the

black

underwear

but

under

the

circumstances

I

don't

think

we

should

move

in

together

 

 

Do

you

wanna

come

in

 

 

Wow

So

that's

the

wedding

dress

The

wedding

dress

It

works

good

as

a

tie

too

Yeah

I

just

wanted

to

give

you

this

before

all

the

presents

started

to

pile

up

I

was

dropping

off

some

furniture

in

Little

Italy

I

look

in

a

window

and

Florence

Thank

you

It's

really

beautiful

And

I

wanted

to

say

that

I

think

that

Peter

is

a

very

lucky

guy

Thank

you

I

had

to

say

that

because

you're

gonna

be

my

sisterinlaw

Ha

ha

ha

I

guess

we'll

be

seeing

a

lot

of

each

other

then

 

I'd

better

get

going

 

Hey

Jack

 

 

Can

you

give

me

any

reason

why

I

shouldn't

marry

your

brother

I

can't

 

What's

this

 

It's

a

wedding

invitation

Wait

a

minute

This

is

your

wedding

invitation

So

Whom

are

we

marrying

Jerry

Peter

Callaghan

The

coma

guy

Are

you

insane

Yes

Jerry

I'm

insane

Every

day

I

go

and

I

sit

in

a

booth

like

a

veal

I

work

every

holiday

I

go

home

to

a

cat

And

now

a

rich

and

handsome

man

has

asked

me

to

marry

him

and

I

have

said

yes

Okay

okay

that

makes

me

a

raving

total

lunatic

The

wedding

is

tomorrow

Lucy

I

know

it's

tomorrow

Jerry

But

I

even

wish

it

were

yesterday

That

would

mean

that

today

that

I

would

be

on

my

honeymoon

that

I

would

finally

have

a

stamp

in

my

passport

and

that

it

would

say

Italy

on

it

What

happened

with

the

other

guy

He

didn't

want

me

 

 

A

woman

doesn't

forget

her

wedding

Maybe

she's

stuck

in

traffic

 

This

isn't

Does

this

look

ridiculous

 

No

you

look

fine

 

All

right

Well

you

got

the

rings

 

Yeah

I

got

the

rings

What's

the

matter

with

you

Jack

You

suck

I

suck

or

the

outfit

sucks

It's

a

tossup

What

do

you

mean

Here

she

is

She's

a

little

nervous

She's

lovely

Dearly

beloved

we

are

gathered

here

today

to

join

I

object

I

didn't

get

to

that

part

yet

I

would

have

to

object

too

What

about

you

 

I'm

thinking

 

I

am

in

love

with

your

son

 

 

That

one

Jack

what

the

hell

did

you

do

He

didn't

do

anything

He

didn't

do

anything

It

was

me

It

was

all

me

Elsie

how

are

you

doing

You

doing

okay

Do

you

remember

that

day

at

the

hospital

Of

course

you

remember

that

day

at

the

hospital

Well

there

was

a

little

mixup

I

saw

Peter

get

pushed

onto

the

tracks

and

I

saved

his

life

But

when

I

got

to

the

hospital

they

wouldn't

let

me

see

him

so

someone

told

the

doctor

that

I

was

his

fiancée

Only

It's

not

true

I

was

never

engaged

to

Peter

Why

didn't

you

say

something

Because

I

didn't

know

how

to

tell

you

We

never

even

met

until

that

day

on

the

tracks

It's

just

when

we

were

in

the

hospital

room

everything

happened

so

fast

and

I

couldn't

tell

you

the

truth

And

then

I

didn't

wanna

tell

you

the

truth

because

the

truth

was

that

I

fell

in

love

with

you

You

fell

in

love

with

me

No

No

Yes

All

of

you

I

went

from

being

all

alone

to

being

a

fiancée

a

daughter

a

granddaughter

a

sister

and

a

friend

I

might

have

saved

your

life

on

the

tracks

but

you

know

what

You

really

saved

mine

You

allowed

me

to

be

a

part

of

your

family

And

I

haven't

had

that

in

a

really

long

time

And

I

just

didn't

wanna

let

go

of

that

So

even

though

it

was

just

for

a

little

while

I

will

love

them

always

I'm

very

sorry

And

I'm

very

sorry

about

your

carpet

What

about

my

carpet

Peter

Callaghan

is

engaged

to

me

I

object

to

this

wedding

Get

in

line

And

I

object

to

your

objection

Who's

that

Ashley's

husband

You

proposed

to

a

married

woman

Yes

and

I

was

in

a

coma

when

my

brother

makes

a

play

for

my

Sort

of

my

fiancée

 

Peter

how

could

you

do

this

 

Listen

a

deal

is

a

deal

You

two

are

better

off

together

Stop

yelling

Hey

Hold

on

Hold

on

just

hold

it

right

there

Hey

Luce

I

just

wanted

to

say

that

I'm

sorry

things

didn't

work

out

with

that

guy

And

you

know

right

now

you

should

get

in

touch

with

the

child

within

and

explore

your

feminine

side

And

you

know

don't

start

eating

cookies

and

cake

and

stuff

like

that

because

you'll

blow

up

like

my

Aunt

Roberta

you

know

You

deserve

better

than

that

So

how

are

things

going

with

Miss

Third

Floor

She's

 

Joey

Joey

 

 

 

No

You

know

what

 

 

 

 

 

I'm

gonna

miss

you

 

I'm

gonna

miss

you

 

We'll

see

each

other

 

 

 

 

 

Lucy

I

need

to

ask

you

a

question

Get

down

on

your

knee

It's

more

romantic

He's

proposing

Let

him

do

it

I

am

letting

him

do

it

Can

I

come

in

there

please

I

can't

Not

without

a

token

He

just

put

the

token

in

Really

I

didn't

notice

Marry

me

Yeah

I

love

you

I

love

you

back

 

That's

nice

 

I'm

so

happy

So

I

had

planned

to

marry

Peter

but

I

married

Jack

instead

Thank

goodness

my

father

was

right

Life

doesn't

always

turn

out

the

way

you

plan

But

Jack

Jack

gave

me

the

perfect

gift

a

stamp

in

my

passport

He

took

me

to

Florence

for

our

honeymoon

I

guess

you

might

say

he

gave

me

the

world

Peter

once

asked

me

when

it

was

that

I

fell

in

love

with

Jack

And

I

told

him

It

was

while

you

were

sleeping

 

 

Created

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Encoded

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If

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That

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A

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Two

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Good

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Michelle

Haven't

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Tentoone

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It

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Sweetheart

Good

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ladies

 

What's

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Tito

 

 

Yes

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Hold

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What's

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kitty

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What's

up

daddy

Big

night

 

 

 

 

Did

you

hear

What

That

my

Knickerbockers

are

now

in

the

championship

series

and

Tone

the

Bone

here

owes

me

bucks

 

 

Man

well

you

were

right

DeLauer

Diamonds

is

looking

for

a

new

ad

agency

Warren

wants

to

move

on

it

aggressively

Yes

Oh

this

is

a

good

day

This

is

a

good

day

Guys

did

you

know

that

diamonds

are

about

as

common

as

taxis

on

th

Avenue

The

value

is

entirely

sentimental

maintained

by

supply

demand

and

advertising

Stripes

Now

DeLauer

dominates

the

world

diamond

market

Meaning

if

I

represent

them

I

basically

represent

the

entire

industry

 

 

Spears

and

Green

they're

already

on

it

 

No

way

 

Well

you

know

he's

kind

of

partial

to

hot

leggy

chicks

Yeah

and

we're

the

sneakers

and

beer

division

Precious

gems

aren't

exactly

our

forte

Lips

and

hips

are

over

at

a

chicks'

magazine

right

now

 

 

You

can't

You

can't

He's

on

a

plane

Easy

pal

Chicago

meeting

And

it's

too

late

anyway

'cause

Warren's

meeting

them

for

drinks

at

Mullen's

tonight

to

discuss

their

idea

Know

what

This

didn't

happen

You

know

why

This

was

my

tip

It's

gonna

be

my

pitch

my

account

my

campaign

This

is

my

baby

 

That's

what

I'm

talking

about

 

 

That's

right

 

 

Okay

Mullen's

tonight

 

"I

heard

that"

 

 

 

I

don't

really

wanna

talk

about

it

okay

 

Okay

Why

does

this

always

happen

to

me

Things

are

going

great

for

like

a

weekandahalf

and

then

all

of

a

sudden

it's

over

and

I

am

mystified

Seriously

I

am

mystified

because

it

always

starts

out

so

well

 

 

Let's

just

roll

with

this

Mike

and

I

had

such

a

connection

The

first

time

that

we

had

sex

it

was

so

beautiful

I

cried

 

 

You

mean

like

one

glistening

tear

on

your

cheek

right

No

I

was

really

emotional

I

even

told

him

that

I

loved

him

 

 

Two

It

was

how

I

felt

I

wanted

to

express

myself

Okay

Well

what

did

he

say

Oh

Mike

didn't

have

to

say

anything

I

know

that

he

felt

the

same

But

then

he

started

getting

really

busy

and

I

didn't

know

where

he

was

so

I

kept

calling

him

calling

him

He

was

never

home

 

 

I

didn't

leave

a

message

He

didn't

know

it

was

me

My

number's

blocked

Oh

I'm

sure

he

thought

it

was

one

of

his

friends

You

know

men

frequently

call

their

friends'

answering

machines

and

hang

up

times

Anyway

I

know

why

he

dumped

me

I'm

too

fat

 

You're

not

fat

 

You're

not

fat

Michelle

if

the

most

beautiful

woman

in

the

world

acted

the

way

you

did

any

normal

guy

would

still

go

running

in

the

other

direction

No

No

guy

would

go

running

from

you

Andie

You

could

barf

all

over

him

and

he

would

say

"Do

it

again

"

That

is

both

incredibly

disgusting

and

categorically

untrue

If

I

did

the

things

you

did

I'd

get

dumped

too

Okay

family

shoes

off

And

breathe

Out

Okay

Lori

let's

start

with

you

Well

the

BOTOX

for

Beginners

piece

is

done

Now

it's

a

little

scary

but

mostly

upbeat

Now

I'm

on

What

Your

Gyno

Won't

Tell

You

which

is

also

pretty

scary

but

you

know

upbeat

I

finished

my

research

on

Deadly

Pedicures

about

the

woman

who

contracted

that

fungus

from

the

unsterilized

tools

It's

a

terrible

story

although

surprisingly

upbeat

 

 

What's

next

for

HowTo

With

Andie

Well

I've

been

working

on

something

that's

kind

of

different

 

It's

It's

a

political

piece

and

it's

 

Andie

you

work

at

Composure

magazine

We

are

fashion

trends

diets

cosmetic

surgeries

salacious

gossip

that's

Composure

 

Okay

but

 

Look

Andie

Okay

The

column

is

new

for

you

When

you

turn

it

into

a

mustread

then

you

can

write

about

whatever

you

want

Until

then

you

can

write

about

whatever

I

want

 

 

Michelle

what

have

you

got

I'm

sorry

Lana

I

wasn't

feeling

very

well

 

 

Oh

no

Michelle

What

a

hellish

ordeal

for

you

But

I

must

say

you

are

looking

fabulous

Are

we

loving

the

way

she

looks

all

 

 

Oh

you're

so

right

She

looks

great

 

I

haven't

eaten

since

the

split

 

I

can't

use

my

personal

life

for

a

story

I

understand

completely

Who

will

use

Michelle's

personal

life

for

a

story

 

Oh

I

will

 

No

no

no

Lana

with

all

due

respect

Lori

has

no

business

mucking

around

in

my

personal

life

and

I

can't

let

her

 

I'll

do

it

 

I'll

sort

of

do

it

It's

You

will

be

my

inspiration

 

 

 

She

is

a

great

girl

right

 

An

amazing

woman

But

she

has

a

problem

hanging

on

to

relationships

and

doesn't

really

know

what's

she

doing

wrong

which

is

like

a

lot

of

our

readers

So

I

was

thinking

that

I

could

start

by

dating

a

guy

and

then

drive

him

away

but

only

using

the

classic

mistakes

most

women

like

Michelle

make

all

the

time

I'll

keep

a

diary

of

it

and

it

will

be

sort

of

a

dating

howto

in

reverse

 

 

How

to

Lose

a

Guy

in

Days

Yes

Go

 

Bart

what's

new

in

the

shoe

 

Wait

wait

Lana

I'm

sorry

Why

days

Five

days

is

too

short

and

we

go

to

press

in

Yes

Okay

what

we

found

out

is

men

are

attracted

to

purple

shoes

 

 

Now

I

love

them

myself

Maybe

toss

in

something

spiritual

as

well

Who's

that

chic

Buddhist

Richard

Gere

cavorts

with

 

 

He's

fabulous

 

Here's

my

:

Welcome

 

Ladies

Judy

Spears

and

Judy

Green

from

Warren

Advertising

We're

going

to

cook

up

some

fabulous

tieins

for

the

fall

Jeannie

Ashcroft

fashion

and

trends

Michelle

Rubin

fitness

and

health

Excuse

me

Hi

And

Andie

Anderson

our

resident

howto

girl

Oh

I've

seen

your

column

Andie

What

are

you

working

on

now

How

to

Lose

a

Guy

in

Days

She's

actually

going

to

start

dating

a

guy

and

then

drive

him

away

in

a

weekandahalf

Sounds

needlessly

vicious

It's

going

to

be

fabulous

Now

all

she

has

to

do

is

run

along

and

find

the

lucky

guy

 

Go

go

go

 

Ladies

come

Find

the

guy

Find

the

guy

You

are

never

going

to

pull

this

off

Watch

me

Tonight

I'll

hook

a

guy

Tomorrow

pull

the

switch

Before

the

days

are

up

I'm

gonna

have

this

guy

running

for

his

life

You're

not

gonna

burn

his

apartment

down

or

bite

him

or

anything

are

you

No

I'm

gonna

limit

myself

to

doing

everything

girls

do

wrong

in

relationships

Basically

everything

we

know

guys

hate

I'll

be

clingy

needy

 

 

Call

him

in

the

middle

of

the

night

and

tell

him

everything

you

had

to

eat

that

day

What's

wrong

with

that

I'm

kidding

Hello

Ben

 

 

Phil

I'm

here

for

the

meeting

Ladies

 

But

you

weren't

invited

 

Yeah

but

I

should

have

been

I

mean

it

was

my

tip

that

DeLauer

was

shopping

for

a

new

firm

Yes

it

was

but

I

have

to

think

in

terms

of

who's

best

suited

within

the

company

team

Yes

sir

and

that's

me

I

wanna

handle

this

pitch

Ben

you

sell

Joe

Blow

better

than

anyone

else

in

my

shop

but

these

girls

sell

luxury

better

than

anyone

else

in

the

business

We

have

to

put

our

best

foot

forward

on

this

pitch

 

 

Yes

sir

they

would

Annual

advertising

billings

of

to

million

dollars

and

I

am

the

man

that's

gonna

bring

this

home

for

you

Phil

 

 

Because

it's

perfect

 

Hi

Ingrid

 

Mullen's

is

the

aprèswork

watering

hole

for

the

upwardly

mobile

Now

to

date

the

diamond

industry

has

always

targeted

men

sending

the

message

that

the

woman

needs

the

man

to

buy

her

the

rock

All

right

they

say

A

diamond

is

forever

We

say

"A

diamond

is

for

everyone

"

 

 

We

don't

"A

diamond

is

for

everyone"

sends

the

message

that

diamonds

are

everywhere

which

means

they're

not

rare

and

if

they're

not

rare

they

lose

their

status

Status

is

the

reason

to

buy

them

in

the

first

place

which

Benjamin

would

know

if

he

understood

women

which

you

don't

You

can't

feel

bad

about

that

Ben

No

man

does

 

 

Sorry

 

 

Hey

don't

pressure

her

She's

perusing

Yes

exactly

Selling

a

diamond

to

a

woman

is

like

making

her

fall

in

love

She

has

to

feel

giddy

desirous

adventurous

and

desperate

Take

a

look

around

this

room

Phillip

Most

of

the

women

in

this

bar

are

looking

for

just

that

Exactly

The

skills

required

to

market

diamonds

are

the

same

as

those

needed

to

make

a

woman

fall

in

love

yes

I'm

not

talking

about

lust

A

woman

in

lust

wants

chocolate

A

woman

in

love

wants

diamonds

Yeah

I'm

not

talking

about

lust

either

ladies

I'm

talking

about

deep

meaningful

headoverheels

hisandher

towels

let's

grow

old

together

LOVE

Look

I

love

women

I

do

Whether

they're

or

or

my

yearold

grandmother

I

respect

women

all

right

And

I

also

listen

to

women

And

that's

why

I

can

sell

myself

to

any

woman

anywhere

anytime

Make

a

woman

fall

in

love

with

diamonds

Benjamin

or

with

you

Either

one

 

That's

cocky

Ben

 

No

not

cocky

Confident

 

I'd

like

to

see

you

prove

that

 

The

agency

is

cohosting

a

party

for

the

DeLauers

at

the

Astor

Museum

The

party's

a

week

from

Sunday

Do

you

think

you

can

make

a

woman

fall

in

love

with

you

by

then

 

 

Any

woman

anywhere

anytime

Any

single

available

straight

woman

yes

Yes

I'm

not

trying

to

trick

you

Ben

In

fact

we'll

choose

a

woman

right

here

right

now

in

this

bar

and

then

you

decide

 

So

who's

the

lucky

girl

 

Let's

see

here

There's

that

blonde

babe

in

the

leopard

print

 

 

Be

nice

ladies

Or

wow

Miss

Babylon

 

Now

she's

on

the

prowl

No

Her

 

 

Blonde

hair

pretty

smile

Her

 

 

 

 

See

the

guy

next

to

the

horrible

guy

in

the

green

shirt

that

I

would

never

even

consider

 

 

 

 

Here

I

go

Okay

you're

on

But

here

are

the

stakes

 

After

I

win

this

bet

this

pitch

is

mine

 

 

 

You

come

to

that

party

with

a

girl

that's

really

in

love

with

you

Ben

you

can

make

the

pitch

to

the

DeLauers

 

But

Phillip

you

can't

 

I've

made

up

my

mind

 

 

 

 

I

was

just

wondering

if

you

find

Exciting

Yes

my

wife

and

I

love

New

York

especially

this

time

of

year

 

She'd

been

here

before

and

I

 

 

 

Hi

 

 

 

Thanks

we

will

 

 

 

Thank

you

Phil

Now

if

you'll

excuse

me

ladies

I

have

a

bet

to

win

Tata

Now

do

you

wanna

tell

me

what's

going

on

You

don't

recognize

her

Hi

 

 

 

 

 

 

I

meant

your

name

Thank

you

two

times

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I'll

meet

you

at

the

door

Hey

hey

guys

 

 

 

 

No

not

him

It's

the

guy

by

the

door

But

don't

look

No

guys

He

is

really

cute

I'm

gonna

check

this

one

out

and

see

if

he's

the

keeper

 

 

Tomorrow

night

I'll

Flip

the

switch

 

I'm

doing

this

for

you

 

Well

good

luck

Be

safe

Call

me

Drama

drama

drama

No

no

no

This

one

And

you

get

to

wear

the

goofylooking

helmet

 

It's

not

gonna

look

goofy

on

me

 

Look

at

you

That's

pretty

damn

cute

There

you

go

 

You

ready

to

go

for

a

ride

Andie

 

Are

you

ready

to

go

for

a

ride

Ben

 

 

 

 

Both

This

is

delicious

And

I'm

still

deciding

Anything

I

can

do

to

help

Yeah

you

can

answer

some

questions

for

me

actually

Some

sounds

a

little

too

indefinite

I'll

give

you

three

 

 

I'm

in

advertising

I

work

mostly

with

alcoholic

beverage

and

athletic

equipment

companies

and

I'm

trying

to

break

into

the

jewelry

market

right

now

Saving

the

world

one

keg

party

at

a

time

Yeah

something

like

that

 

 

 

 

Fastestgrowing

women's

fashion

magazine

in

the

country

I'm

impressed

Saving

the

world

one

shopaholic

at

a

time

Hey

all

right

Look

here

Sparky

I

have

a

masters

in

journalism

from

Columbia

My

boss

loves

me

and

if

I

do

it

her

way

for

a

while

I

can

write

about

anything

I

want

Like

shoes

No

No

Like

alcoholic

beverages

and

athletic

gear

Touché

Very

nice

 

 

 

 

True

or

false

All's

fair

in

love

and

war

True

 

 

Welcome

 

Oh

nice

place

 

Very

tidy

 

 

 

 

Yeah

you

can

It's

up

the

stairs

through

the

bedroom

You

are

aren't

you

The

first

night

I

can't

believe

you

Michelle

I'm

not

going

to

sleep

with

him

Oh

you

are

such

a

hussy

You

can't

hide

those

lying

eyes

No

no

because

I

can

practice

some

selfcontrol

 

 

Oh

really

That

hurts

kind

of

 

I'm

gonna

dangle

the

bait

 

Wait

What's

the

bait

 

I'm

the

bait

Michelle

 

 

 

Okay

I'm

with

you

Then

what

A

diamond

is

no

onenight

stand

A

diamond

is

a

longterm

commitment

 

 

I

can't

talk

right

now

I

have

to

go

 

Call

me

later

you

slut

 

Okay

bye

 

 

You're

welcome

Okay

Hey

hey

let's

not

go

too

fast

okay

Yeah

Yeah

We're

moving

too

fast

You're

right

It's

too

fast

Okay

 

 

Yeah

I

want

you

to

respect

me

 

 

And

I

want

your

respect

I

respect

you

for

respecting

me

I

respect

that

Good

Good

night

Andie

Anderson

Oh

you

are

already

falling

in

love

with

me

I'm

gonna

make

you

wish

you

were

dead

Poor

guy

Of

all

the

women

Spears

and

Green

could

have

thrown

at

me

this

one

is

amazing

Hanging

with

her

for

days

is

gonna

be

no

problem

Right

That's

only

nine

days

longer

than

you've

ever

spent

with

any

other

chick

huh

That's

why

I

didn't

go

for

the

gold

immediately

I'm

taking

my

time

It's

a

marathon

not

a

sprint

Ten

days

is

a

marathon

Okay

so

it's

more

like

the

meter

hurdles

The

point

is

she's

already

on

the

ropes

guys

Wow

that's

a

lot

of

sports

analogy

 

 

That's

it

 

 

Do

you

have

an

ethical

problem

with

rifling

through

a

woman's

purse

Yeah

I

guess

I

do

Well

it's

hardly

a

purse

dude

It's

more

like

a

clutch

or

something

Guys

a

woman's

purse

all

right

it's

her

secret

source

of

power

All

right

there

are

many

dark

and

dangerous

things

in

there

that

we

the

male

species

should

know

nothing

about

Unless

of

course

she

left

it

behind

intentionally

to

secure

a

nextday

call

back

She's

a

very

clever

minx

 

I'm

sorry

Oh

God

 

Yeah

yeah

Carefully

Carefully

Oh

what

have

we

here

Let

us

see

Let

us

see

Knicks

tickets

For

tonight's

game

 

Delivery

Andie

 

Wow

look

at

those

Andie

Oh

my

God

Where

do

you

want

these

Wait

One

hundred

times

more

beautiful

Wait

 

than

roses

 

 

The

guy's

in

advertising

 

He

can't

help

it

 

So

does

this

mean

he's

hooked

This

means

he

found

the

Knicks

tickets

 

 

You

are

just

on

a

whole

different

playing

field

Here

you

go

Andie

Anderson

 

Hey

hey

pretty

girl

 

I

got

a

really

embarrassing

display

of

white

roses

Well

you

are

welcome

Listen

I

had

a

wonderful

time

last

night

 

 

I

can't

believe

I

left

it

there

Well

you

must

need

it

back

what

with

all

the

cash

credit

cards

and

those

Knicks

tickets

for

tonight's

game

Sounds

like

you've

been

peeking

through

my

bag

Ben

Oh

absolutely

not

Tony

my

art

director

he's

an

oaf

and

he

accidentally

knocked

it

over

Right

Yeah

I'm

a

clumsy

man

All

right

I'm

sorry

though

I'm

going

to

the

game

with

somebody

else

Not

anymore

Besides

what

you

think

you

left

your

purse

at

my

place

by

accident

No

subconsciously

you

are

dying

to

take

me

to

that

game

Denying

your

subconscious

desires

is

extremely

dangerous

to

your

health

young

lady

Does

that

psychobabble

really

work

on

anybody

You

tell

me

Andie

you're

so

bad

All

right

meet

me

at

the

th

Avenue

entrance

:

Don't

be

late

 

 

 

 

And

that's

how

it's

done

 

And

that's

how

it's

done

Foul

on

number

Allan

Houston

 

Bullshit

Come

on

ref

 

What

is

that

ref

Hey

if

you're

going

to

call

it

call

it

both

ways

Oh

you're

soft

man

You

were

soft

last

year

and

you're

still

soft

What

was

that

There

we

go

Work

it

around

Defense

 

Defense

 

Come

on

buddy

Defense

Defense

Defense

Knicks

call

a

second

timeout

All

right

take

your

five

Take

your

minute

This

is

all

right

We

got

seconds

A

second

T

Knicks

ball

Bring

it

back

Charge

Work

your

arm

baby

 

Charge

 

Go

baby

 

Hold

'em

up

 

Charge

 

 

Benny

I'm

thirsty

 

Yeah

yeah

 

Benny

can

you

go

get

me

a

soda

 

Yeah

I

just

wanna

tell

you

right

now

 

I'm

parched

there's

a

minute

nine

left

in

the

game

 

and

then

I'll

go

up

and

get

it

 

I'm

really

thirsty

 

I'll

go

get

it

 

 

 

Okay

no

ice

Ben

Thanks

Benny

Lawrence

Funderburke

Here's

Sprewell

with

the

fake

Gets

the

step

on

Christie

 

What

a

crossover

 

My

man

Coke

no

ice

 

Next

line

over

pal

 

Hey

buddy

Small

Coke

no

ice

Small

Coke

no

ice

Okay

you

got

it

Just

beyond

the

threepoint

line

Fires

 

No

Man

don't

let

him

have

that

shot

 

Does

that

mean

no

you

don't

want

ice

 

or

no

you

want

ice

 

No

No

no

ice

Coke

no

ice

Don

Chaney

wants

to

talk

it

over

 

 

No

I

want

that

one

right

there

You

know

for

cents

more

you

could

get

a

jumbo

You

take

that

right

there

Keep

the

change

Charge

Excuse

me

Come

on

baby

drive

in

the

net

Thanks

Hey

hold

him

hold

him

Move

it

Set

your

pick

 

Watch

the

three

seconds

Traveling

 

Ben

it's

not

diet

Ben

it's

not

diet

Please

I'm

so

thirsty

 

 

All

right

all

right

Shoot

it

Sprewell

for

the

win

Yes

Latrell

Sprewell

It's

all

over

The

Knicks

have

defeated

the

Kings

in

the

final

seconds

Latrell

Sprewell

with

the

gamewinning

shot

And

the

Knicks

over

Sacramento

 

What

an

incredible

game

I've

never

seen

a

more

exciting

game

played

before

Wow

You

know

neither

have

I

Hey

hey

hey

It's

too

bad

you

missed

it

 

Yeah

it's

too

bad

 

So

are

you

as

nice

as

you

seem

Ben

No

Good

neither

am

I

Oh

here

Fifth

and

Twelfth

please

See

you

later

Horseshit

More

horseshit

The

horseshit

continues

Horseshit

Come

on

people

We

gotta

do

a

lot

better

than

this

if

we're

gonna

 

 

There's

a

phone

call

for

Mr

Barry

 

Yeah

can

you

take

a

message

Candi

 

Mr

Barry

it's

Andie

 

 

 

It's

line

two

Mr

Barry

 

 

 

It's

me

Listen

I'm

in

the

middle

of

a

meeting

Can

I

call

you

back

in

just

a

minute

I

miss

you

Benny

BooBoo

BooBooBoo

Well

you

know

what

I

miss

you

too

You

busy

tonight

No

No

I'm

not

Why

don't

we

catch

a

movie

or

something

 

 

Oh

I'm

so

excited

Okay

I'll

call

you

later

 

 

Jonah

I

always

wanted

a

man

like

Tom

Hanks

 

It's

my

favorite

movie

of

all

time

 

Yeah

me

too

What

if

something

had

happened

to

you

What

if

I

couldn't

get

to

you

 

 

Nothing

I'm

watching

the

movie

Yeah

but

what's

on

your

mind

I

like

this

movie

Oh

so

I

suppose

your

mind

is

a

complete

blank

You

are

my

family

You're

all

I've

got

Who

is

she

 

Who's

who

 

The

girl

you're

thinking

about

 

Can't

hear

 

I'm

not

thinking

about

a

girl

You

can't

watch

Meg

Ryan

for

two

hours

and

not

be

thinking

about

another

girl

Lady

shut

up

Wanna

know

what

I'm

thinking

about

Yes

I'm

sitting

here

thinking

about

how

damn

beautiful

you

are

That's

what

I'm

thinking

about

Come

here

Let's

watch

this

movie

It's

good

Benji

Oh

sweetie

 

 

Can't

hear

and

can't

see

If

you

don't

shut

up

my

boyfriend

over

here

is

gonna

come

back

there

and

pummel

your

ass

Put

a

muzzle

on

your

old

lady

the

next

time

you

bring

her

out

in

public

 

 

You

outside

Keep

it

down

Have

a

little

class

all

right

You

wanna

talk

like

that

to

me

we

can

work

it

out

 

but

not

to

a

lady

all

right

 

Ben

Ben

he's

huge

I

got

it

I'm

not

looking

to

get

into

a

fight

with

the

guy

okay

He

owes

you

an

apology

Now

I'm

gonna

go

back

inside

and

finish

watching

Sleepless

in

Seattle

 

 

Oh

Ben

are

you

okay

Ben

Ben

maybe

we

should

get

you

to

a

hospital

 

No

no

no

 

No

you

could

have

a

Excuse

me

Hey

can

you

hold

still

Right

there

Hold

still

Okay

I'm

sorry

Yeah

That's

feeling

real

nice

It's

starting

to

feel

a

little

better

Ben

Ben

Ben

Oh

my

God

You're

fine

You

are

totally

fine

Okay

come

on

Rocky

Get

up

 

 

Hey

don't

feel

bad

If

I

had

a

nickel

for

every

time

I

got

in

a

fistfight

during

a

chick

flick

 

Right

It

really

wasn't

that

bad

 

No

I

mean

the

getting

punched

in

the

face

part

sucked

right

The

getting

taken

care

of

after

the

punch

it

was

nice

Florence

Nightingale

syndrome

You

want

me

to

tape

the

game

for

you

tonight

No

need

my

friend

I'll

be

watching

the

Knicks

in

the

comfort

of

my

own

home

this

evening

How'd

you

swing

that

What's

the

coup

de

grâce

Heavyweight

 

You're

making

the

lamb

 

A

woman

loves

a

man

who

can

cook

Yeah

Bringing

out

the

big

guns

 

Let's

go

deep

 

Why

do

they

always

forget

my

bacon

I

can't

believe

you

got

that

guy

knocked

out

Only

for

a

few

seconds

He

was

the

most

adorable

unconscious

man

ever

Are

you

dating

him

or

are

you

contemplating

adoption

Andie

I

am

loving

your

notes

on

this

piece

Thank

you

Lana

 

 

He's

invited

me

over

for

dinner

Marvelous

I've

got

a

feeling

about

this

one

Thanks

Lana

I

hate

it

when

she

pops

her

head

in

like

that

 

 

And

Andie

tonight

take

smaller

bites

 

Oh

my

God

 

Come

on

in

Door's

open

 

Hi

 

I

hope

you

brought

your

appetite

girl

We've

got

a

feast

tonight

Benny

isn't

that

sweet

Go

ahead

and

pour

yourself

a

glass

of

wine

We

got

dinner

in

about

five

and

tipoff

in

about

eight

Great

I'm

starving

Oh

so

perfectly

pink

Sheryl

Tori

Sinead

Jewel

Fiona

Carly

 

The

gang's

all

here

 

Great

We

got

two

minutes

to

game

time

You

walked

into

the

party

Like

you

were

walking

onto

a

yacht

Your

hat

strategically

dipped

below

one

eye

Your

scarf

it

was

apricot

Wow

Look

at

all

this

stuff

Those

are

cute

and

I

saw

the

new

comforter

And

all

the

girls

dreamed

that

they'd

be

Ben's

partner

They'd

be

Ben's

partner

 

 

 

It's

a

baby

fern

 

 

Oh

yeah

 

Just

like

our

relationship

a

helpless

little

baby

in

need

of

tender

loving

care

Thank

you

Sit

down

Have

a

seat

Get

ready

Game

two

Welcome

to

the

front

row

madame

Oh

oh

Up

here

Dinner

is

served

Chef's

special

tonight

lamb

with

a

cherry

glaze

Let's

start

you

off

with

the

main

dish

Right

about

there

And

a

few

carrots

Wait

wait

Hey

Hey

You

okay

It's

beautiful

 

 

You're

beautiful

the

game

the

whole

thing

I

wish

I

ate

meat

Mary

had

a

little

lamb

little

lamb

You

have

to

take

it

away

before

I

gag

This

stuff's

for

cows

 

 

 

 

Are

you

okay

All

right

Excuse

me

ma'am

You

happen

to

know

the

score

of

the

Knicks

game

Do

I

look

like

the

kind

of

person

who

knows

the

score

of

a

Knicks

game

No

you

don't

Is

something

wrong

with

the

barley

No

no

My

boyfriend

thinks

I'm

fat

And

I

can't

eat

in

front

of

him

I

can't

eat

in

front

of

you

 

 

I

don't

think

you're

fat

I

don't

think

she's

fat

 

What's

happening

 

 

Twentythree

seconds

left

Knicks

ball

 

Allan

Houston

with

the

ball

Oh

come

on

There

it

is

There

it

is

That

was

in

Come

on

Get

it

back

Get

the

ball

back

Get

the

ball

back

A

spin

by

Jackson

 

No

 

Jackson

able

to

hit

and

the

game

has

run

out

The

Kings

have

beat

the

Knicks

Their

first

win

of

the

series

It's

Sacramento

Next

game

Well

that

was

fun

Okay

:

sports

There

we

are

cut

it

to

ten

It's

Mark

Jackson

with

a

nolook

pass

to

Kurt

Thomas

 

 

Reverse

 

There

we

go

baby

 

I

can't

believe

he

missed

that

shot

Take

it

Take

it

Hit

it

No

How

the

hell

did

you

know

he

was

gonna

miss

that

shot

He

always

misses

the

shot

from

the

top

of

the

key

That's

the

way

it

ended

as

the

Knicks

could

not

get

off

another

shot

Oh

man

Houston

never

misses

from

the

top

of

the

key

Does

Princess

Sophia

wanna

come

out

and

play

Who's

Princess

Sophia

No

no

no

no

no

no

Wait

wait

You're

kidding

me

right

 

 

Little

big

Little

big

I

don't

know

We

will

find

out

You

know

hang

on

a

second

All

right

listen

you

can't

name

my

member

Princess

Sophia

 

It

doesn't

 

Yes

I

can

Listen

to

me

If

you're

gonna

name

my

member

all

right

you

gotta

name

it

something

hypermasculine

okay

Something

like

Spike

or

Butch

or

Krull

the

Warrior

King

but

not

Princess

Sophia

What

did

you

just

say

Spike

You

know

what

I

mean

 

No

no

after

Spike

 

After

Butch

Krull

the

Warrior

King

Does

Krull

the

Warrior

King

want

to

come

out

and

play

 

 

 

Krull

 

Due

to

intense

humiliation

the

king

has

momentarily

abdicated

his

throne

okay

 

 

Well

in

that

case

I

better

get

going

Take

care

of

our

love

fern

honey

Hi

Can

I

see

you

tomorrow

 

 

 

 

 

And

I'll

call

you

 

Answer

your

phone

What

What

was

"icy"

again

Arctic

freezing

frigid

 

How

about

"glitter"

 

Thayer's

favorite

movie

It

was

underrated

Glint

glisten

scintillation

 

Scintillation

that's

not

bad

 

Guys

let's

take

a

break

A

little

coffee

and

nine

ball

Shake

it

up

Maybe

I'll

be

able

to

concentrate

since

the

woman

is

driving

me

crazy

Which

woman

Andie

or

Princess

Sophia

 

Yeah

yeah

yeah

 

Wait

a

second

I

thought

you

said

after

the

Knicks

game

that

she

was

a

goddess

Oh

she

was

That

was

the

good

Andie

guys

This

amazing

fun

cool

sexy

woman

I'm

talking

about

the

evil

Andie

now

It's

like

a

crackenhanced

Kathie

Lee

Gifford

She's

probably

bipolar

Well

her

south

pole's

definitely

prevailing

Well

all

you

gotta

do

is

rock

it

for

five

more

days

 

Muffin

 

Which

shouldn't

be

too

difficult

 

 

Andie

my

sweetie

We

were

just

talking

about

you

 

 

Hello

there

 

 

 

 

Oh

yes

BennyWenny's

told

me

so

much

about

you

two

Oh

well

BennyWenny

said

wonderful

things

about

you

too

Oh

they

don't

look

so

simpleminded

Honey

look

what

I

got

for

us

Look

at

that

Come

on

Come

on

 

Wow

 

It's

a

Chinese

Crested

of

course

No

kidding

A

Chinese

Crested

So

it's

like

a

dog

right

 

 

You're

hurting

Krull's

feelings

 

Krull

is

it

 

Krull

Krull

the

Warrior

king

Well

sure

'cause

that's

clearly

what

Oh

wait

There's

more

 

 

Oh

nice

 

 

 

 

Matches

Oh

yeah

that's

gonna

fit

nicely

sweetie

 

 

No

Ben

put

it

on

No

you

should

try

it

on

otherwise

you

don't

know

if

it's

gonna

fit

 

 

I

was

just

gonna

save

it

for

a

special

occasion

All

right

Check

that

out

Oh

yeah

that's

nice

Hey

You're

a

vision

in

khaki

It's

gonna

be

a

happy

little

family

just

the

three

of

us

We

are

aren't

we

 

 

He's

our

boy

Ben

Oh

see

that's

sweet

Hey

hey

hey

Andie

It

is

good

to

see

you

too

sweetie

Got

you

Got

you

got

you

got

you

He's

just

not

pottytrained

yet

Whoa

Okay

well

he's

a

pisser

 

Come

here

little

tinkle

king

 

No

no

no

 

Come

here

tinkle

king

 

My

little

tinkler

You

tinkle

tinkle

Well

congratulations

little

plaid

family

You

know

we

got

a

whole

bunch

of

work

we

gotta

do

but

we're

still

on

for

poker

at

your

house

this

week

yeah

 

Oh

you

can

count

on

it

 

Well

it

was

nice

meeting

you

and

of

course

Krull

Bye

Say

bye

Krully

Little

soap

and

water

will

take

that

off

 

He

goes

"Woof

woof

"

 

Yeah

thank

you

buds

Oh

come

here

 

 

Oh

I

do

Oh

look

at

Krull's

necklace

He's

got

more

ice

than

Liberace

don't

you

Oh

it's

just

a

little

frosting

 

 

We

were

thinking

bold

new

fresh

Frost

yourself

 

 

 

 

We're

in

the

middle

of

a

meeting

Benjamin

I'm

talking

about

diamonds

They're

frosting

As

in

"Whoa

would

you

check

out

her

frosting

"

Frost

yourself

 

 

I

got

it

off

the

woman

who's

falling

madly

in

love

with

me

It

may

have

possibilities

but

as

far

as

the

woman

who's

falling

madly

in

love

with

you

I

will

decide

that

at

the

party

 

 

 

Ladies

frost

yourself

 

We

can

introduce

it

at

the

party

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The

whole

party

a

sparkling

diamond

 

Women

of

New

York

frost

yourselves

 

Hey

frost

this

 

Well

I

like

it

Yeah

yeah

yeah

I

hear

you

You

have

new

messages

 

Message

one

received

at

:

 

Hi

sweetie

pea

It's

me

Where

are

you

 

I'm

not

home

 

Two

received

at

:

Benny

it's

Andie

Guess

you're

not

home

Three

received

at

:

Benny

bear

are

you

not

answering

your

phone

 

Yes

I

am

 

Four

received

at

:

Hey

buddy

Game

three

tonight

Blondie's

Don't

be

late

I

will

kill

you

 

 

It's

me

 

Five

received

at

:

 

It's

me

 

 

I've

been

trying

to

get

a

hold

of

you

 

 

 

 

I

used

Photoshop

at

work

today

to

composite

our

faces

together

to

see

what

our

kids

would

look

like

Our

family

album

You

don't

wanna

see

our

children

We

don't

have

children

I

hate

you

You

know

what

I'm

sorry

No

no

no

I

didn't

mean

it

like

that

All

right

Show

me

show

me

show

me

show

me

 

#ЗНАЧ

No

I

thought

you

meant

Krull

I

just

wanted

 

 

You

don't

wanna

see

them

I

do

Please

Please

show

them

to

me

I

really

do

wanna

see

them

Really

 

 

Oh

that's

our

wedding

And

this

is

our

first

child

Benny

Jr

 

 

Oh

there's

us

vacationing

in

Hawaii

Little

Andie's

on

my

shoulders

and

Benjamin

Jr

on

yours

Yeah

yeah

yeah

There's

little

Andie

Oh

there

are

the

kids

in

Switzerland

Yodelodeling

Our

kids

are

really

attractive

Yeah

Hey

Mom

Yeah

I'm

doing

fine

Yeah

Yeah

yeah

she

is

Just

a

second

It's

for

you

Oh

great

Hi

Glenda

 

 

Yeah

Well

he

thinks

our

children

will

be

very

attractive

Oh

no

All

right

you

go

back

to

cooking

Call

me

later

Tomorrow

Yeah

great

Okay

Glenda

Love

you

too

Bye

 

Thanks

honey

 

So

you

and

my

mom

you

talk

huh

Yeah

I

called

her

to

get

some

baby

pictures

of

you

for

our

book

Hey

you

never

told

me

that

you

wore

diapers

till

you

were

five

You

know

what

honey

I

gotta

go

to

the

Oh

no

Come

on

You

think

maybe

he

thinks

the

felt

is

grass

Oh

man

Oh

no

no

no

Man

come

on

 

Hey

Benny

bear

 

 

 

I

have

another

surprise

for

you

You

know

what

Not

a

good

night

for

me

 

I

gotta

work

of

all

things

 

Oh

no

Yeah

yeah

I

know

I

got

a

Knicks

game

on

I

had

a

broccoli

and

asparagus

casserole

planned

for

you

and

me

right

there

in

front

of

the

TV

and

we're

not

gonna

be

able

to

do

that

either

'cause

I

gotta

go

into

work

That's

too

bad

'cause

I

had

tickets

for

tonight

 

 

Tickets

great

tickets

Frontrow

seats

right

in

the

action

I

mean

you

can

smell

sweat

I

guess

I

I

don't

really

have

to

Why

don't

I

call

Tony

and

he

can

come

fill

in

for

me

right

 

 

Oh

yeah

Thank

you

 

Honey

you're

more

than

welcome

 

Yes

Oh

look

what

time

it

is

huh

This

is

a

onceinalifetime

experience

and

I'm

gonna

share

it

with

you

Reaches

up

she

brings

it

down

It's

the

most

powerful

thing

I've

ever

seen

And

after

all

this

he

still

didn't

leave

you

I'm

telling

you

this

calls

for

drastic

measures

Come

on

guys

Concentrate

 

 

Clingy

needy

whiny

Baby

talk

Occasionally

I

mean

I

could

kick

that

up

a

notch

I

used

to

obsess

over

Mike's

old

girlfriends

Or

better

yet

talk

about

all

your

old

boyfriends

Good

It's

good

it's

good

but

it's

not

gonna

crack

this

guy

I

mean

this

is

DEFCON

 

and

I

have

to

do

something

truly

appalling

It's

not

funny

Look

I

have

to

think

of

something

before

tomorrow

Wait

why

not

tonight

 

Poker

night

Boys'

night

out

 

Mike

used

to

have

a

boys'

night

Boys'

night

You're

giving

him

a

boys'

night

 

 

 

 

I

think

you

know

what

I'm

suggesting

 

Feel

lucky

boys

 

 

You

know

Ben

 

That's

bucks

I'm

feeling

luckier

than

you

'cause

I

do

not

have

to

sit

through

a

Celine

Dion

concert

That

is

what

true

love

is

all

about

my

friend

I

fold

I

see

your

raise

you

 

She's

in

love

with

you

Are

you

kidding

me

She's

planning

the

wedding

 

 

All

right

guys

read

them

and

weep

Got

ladies

over

fours

Huh

 

Damn

 

It

does

not

get

any

better

than

this

 

 

Bennykins

I'm

home

 

Hi

honey

 

Hey

Andie

 

 

I

wasn't

expecting

you

How'd

you

get

a

key

Oh

honey

Francesco

your

super

he

made

me

a

copy

Francesco

huh

 

 

You're

not

mad

are

you

Benkywenky

 

No

I'm

not

mad

 

You're

not

mad

No

no

no

no

I'm

not

mad

 

Oh

good

 

 

Tony

Thayer

Francis

 

Oh

yes

 

Watch

out

Hey

hey

hey

 

No

no

no

no

Tony

Hi

Tony

 

 

 

 

 

 

I

didn't

mean

to

interrupt

your

little

game

 

We're

all

 

 

 

The

game

is

hold

'em

Three

up

for

company

ante

a

dollar

please

 

Tony

Yucky

yucky

pizza

Yucky

pizza

 

Oh

no

Yummy

yummy

cucumber

sandwich

 

 

 

I'll

take

one

 

Yeah

Sure

yeah

Good

boys

Good

Here

we

go

Get

rid

of

those

over

there

Thank

you

very

much

 

 

 

 

Buck

around

the

horn

Buck

around

the

horn

Thanks

Benny

Thayer

 

That

means

you

too

Thayer

 

Oh

yeah

All

right

everyone

in

for

a

buck

Next

card

five

Nines

and

fives

Nines

and

fives

That's

back

to

you

Tito

Nine

and

a

seven

Go

for

the

straight

Round

two

Tone

the

Bone

you're

up

man

She

told

you

my

hand

 

Peekaboo

 

Hey

Guys

you

wanna

play

cards

here

What's

going

on

What

game

are

we

playing

We're

playing

hold

'em

 

Yeah

yeah

yeah

 

All

right

I'm

already

maxed

out

We

got

a

nine

up

Nine

up

guys

 

 

Blow

Nobody

likes

a

Mr

Sniffles

 

 

Come

on

stuffy

head

Good

We're

good

White

Healthy

boy

 

 

 

Oh

no

 

Oh

no

Our

love

fern

It's

dead

 

No

honey

It's

just

sleeping

 

You

let

it

die

You

gonna

let

us

die

You

should

think

about

that

What

the

hell's

a

love

fern

All

right

guys

Let's

try

to

get

through

one

hand

Is

she

on

something

God

I

hope

so

Hi

Are

you

saying

I'm

some

kind

of

mental

person

 

Hey

hey

 

No

no

he

wasn't

 

Oh

Tony

 

He

was

talking

about

 

That's

it

 

 

That

is

it

 

I'm

taking

this

love

fern

with

me

Hang

on

Hey

Hey

hey

hey

hey

hey

Ho

ho

ho

ho

ho

What

just

happened

in

there

 

I'm

gonna

go

listen

 

Quietly

Look

this

is

getting

really

creepy

all

right

You're

acting

completely

insane

You

know

that

 

 

No

you're

acting

insane

Shut

up

Krull

 

He's

an

innocent

animal

 

Yeah

yeah

And

he'll

live

okay

I'm

talking

to

you

I

don't

know

if

I

can

be

with

somebody

who

doesn't

like

animals

and

thinks

I'm

a

mental

person

That's

what

I'm

talking

about

Where

is

the

sexy

cool

fun

smart

beautiful

Andie

that

I

knew

The

one

who

wanted

to

be

a

serious

journalist

huh

You're

up

you're

down

you're

here

you're

there

You're

like

a

freaking

onewoman

circus

Andie

 

So

I

guess

this

means

we're

over

 

Yeah

I

guess

so

 

 

Fine

Oh

finally

 

It's

over

men

 

Oh

man

that's

 

No

no

no

 

It

is

man

It's

over

 

 

Guys

you

were

here

Did

you

just

witness

the

onewoman

homage

to

The

Exorcist

 

 

Yeah

I

did

I

thought

it

was

sexy

 

 

 

He's

right

 

Forget

it

He's

right

So

do

you

think

Spears

and

Green

are

gonna

be

comfortable

in

their

new

office

 

Oh

absolutely

 

No

no

Guys

stop

Maybe

he's

excited

that

he's

gonna

be

selling

Nerf

footballs

 

 

Hey

hey

hey

hey

He

may

get

like

a

really

good

douche

campaign

 

Hey

it's

done

All

right

What

What

 

 

Of

course

 

Every

time

my

wife

wants

to

divorce

me

I

suggest

couples

therapy

 

It'll

buy

you

at

least

four

days

 

It's

true

She

hates

him

 

 

Yeah

couples

therapy

 

Couples

therapy

 

 

 

Come

on

 

Couples

therapy

Couples

therapy

 

Couples

therapy

Therapy

Couples

therapy

Andie

Hold

it

hold

it

hold

it

Listen

can

you

forgive

me

sugar

puss

Look

I

don't

know

what

I

was

thinking

All

right

I'm

sorry

I

am

way

out

of

line

Andie

Can

you

give

me

another

chance

Haven't

you

had

enough

 

Hey

look

I'm

willing

to

do

anything

 

 

I'll

do

anything

Andie

 

Look

what

do

you

think

about

What

do

you

think

about

couples

therapy

 

 

Look

Thayer

up

there

he's

got

this

doctor

He

says

he's

a

hell

of

a

guy

No

I

know

a

therapist

who

will

work

wonders

 

with

somebody

like

you

Benjamin

 

Yes

That's

what

I

need

I

will

call

and

schedule

an

emergency

session

 

Baby

whatever

it

takes

 

Thank

you

sweetheart

Thank

you

for

understanding

I

love

you

Benky

but

I

don't

have

to

like

you

right

now

Thank

you

Andie

Damn

it

Shit

If

you're

really

gonna

commit

to

this

you're

gonna

have

to

open

up

 

 

 

 

Let

me

see

your

teeth

Andie

Anderson

Benjamin

Barry

Please

come

in

Hi

Welcome

Before

we

get

started

how

are

you

planning

on

paying

for

the

session

 

 

 

$

 

$

Whatever

it

takes

Yeah

So

tell

me

how

long

have

you

guys

been

seeing

each

other

 

 

Is

that

too

soon

to

be

seeing

a

therapist

Well

Ben

seven

days

isn't

like

a

lifetime

or

anything

 

It's

like

a

week

 

Did

you

hear

that

tone

How

can

we

not

have

a

gulf

between

us

with

a

tone

like

that

How

are

things

between

you

sexually

 

We

haven't

had

sex

 

Oh

no

Ben

has

a

littlebitty

problem

 

I

don't

have

a

problem

 

Yes

you

do

 

No

I

do

not

have

a

problem

 

Yeah

It's

a

big

problem

 

 

Look

look

wait

a

minute

The

one

night

that

we

even

thought

about

getting

close

to

having

sex

all

right

she

up

and

decides

she's

gonna

nickname

my

 

 

You

want

to

talk

about

shooting

a

man's

horse

Come

on

 

 

I

see

Benjamin

And

when

was

it

that

you

first

realized

that

you

were

attracted

to

other

men

 

Oh

that's

serious

 

 

Benjamin

this

is

a

safe

space

 

Look

it's

just

simple

I

like

women

okay

It

just

happened

that

way

Methinks

thou

doth

protesteth

too

much

You

see

Stop

it

This

is

the

shit

I'm

talking

about

 

 

I

mean

this

is

what

she

does

Stop

that

You

know

I'm

hearing

a

lot

of

latent

anger

here

Benjamin

 

 

I'm

not

a

rageaholic

 

 

Stop

You

know

what

Take

a

deep

breath

for

me

Ben

Okay

let

it

go

Just

let

it

go

 

 

Okay

Come

here

I've

seen

this

before

and

I've

seen

it

many

times

 

 

 

 

Maybe

you

should

get

a

room

 

 

No

I'm

not

Yes

you

are

and

you

are

a

pathological

flirt

Jesus

Five

seconds

ago

I'm

gay

Now

I'm

a

pathological

flirt

 

 

Which

one

is

it

Andie

Besides

why

would

I

need

to

hit

on

another

woman

You've

got

more

than

enough

personalities

to

keep

me

completely

occupied

 

 

Okay

Ben

are

you

ashamed

of

Andie

 

Of

course

he

is

 

I'm

not

ashamed

 

 

I'm

not

ashamed

 

 

I'm

not

ashamed

of

you

It's

like

when

I

talked

to

his

mother

he

freaked

out

No

You

did

that

behind

my

back

She

did

it

behind

my

back

 

 

Andie

you

wanna

talk

to

my

mother

You

wanna

talk

to

my

mother

Talk

to

my

mother

Hey

you

wanna

talk

to

the

whole

family

you

can

talk

to

the

whole

family

Hell

we

can

go

to

Staten

Island

spend

the

weekend

with

them

Andie

Now

that

is

a

positive

idea

Ben

 

 

How

about

it

Andie

 

 

Uncle

Ben

Hi

 

 

Yes

ma'am

 

Hey

Mom

Pop

we're

here

 

Yeah

bullshit

Who's

that

handsome

guy

That's

my

dad

when

he

was

an

ensign

in

the

Navy

He

got

stationed

here

about

years

ago

Bullshit

 

Hey

darling

I'm

glad

to

see

you

 

Hey

sweetie

how

you

doing

 

 

I

do

and

I'll

let

you

check

the

baby

see

if

he

needs

changing

Hi

Andie

I'm

so

happy

to

have

you

here

in

the

flesh

You're

just

as

pretty

as

you

sound

on

the

telephone

 

Glenda

 

I'm

coming

Jesus

Mary

and

Joseph

 

Excuse

me

Show

her

upstairs

okay

 

Oh

yeah

 

 

Bullshit

And

the

whole

family

suffers

from

Tourette's

I

hope

that's

not

a

problem

 

And

Joey

here

 

You're

so

handsome

suffers

from

being

a

stinky

rose

We're

gonna

get

you

cleaned

up

So

go

out

back

Have

a

good

time

Okay

 

Got

you

 

Okay

 

You're

it

 

 

Uncle

Arnold

says

he's

got

three

kings

 

Yeah

right

Okay

Uncle

Arnold

now

dare

I

say

it

or

not

I'm

gonna

just

say

it

Okay

I'm

gonna

say

it

Bullshit

 

 

 

Oh

wow

 

Andie

 

Well

well

well

 

Come

on

out

here

Andie

 

 

 

I

want

you

to

meet

Ben's

father

 

Well

hello

 

Jack

this

is

Andie

Jack

 

 

 

Hi

Uncle

Arnold

 

 

He

farts

like

a

howitzer

but

he's

family

so

what

are

you

gonna

do

Intestinal

complications

 

Yeah

right

Arnold

 

Prunes

Did

you

meet

Joey

 

 

 

 

Okay

Here

we

go

now

The

game

is

Bullshit

and

you

are

just

in

time

for

the

lightning

round

my

dear

I

don't

really

know

how

to

play

Well

we're

gonna

teach

you

It's

very

simple

The

trick

is

to

get

rid

of

all

the

cards

in

your

hand

all

right

So

I'm

gonna

look

at

my

hand

I'm

gonna

see

what

I've

got

here

And

well

you

know

I've

got

two

aces

here

Well

two

aces

What

do

you

say

to

that

What

are

you

gonna

say

 

 

What

did

she

say

I

didn't

quite

hear

Did

you

guys

I

didn't

hear

what

she

said

 

I

said

bullshit

 

All

right

 

She

knows

how

to

play

the

game

 

Yes

sir

 

 

Get

on

over

there

big

man

Slick

as

a

whistle

 

How

you

doing

Unc

 

 

 

Hey

how

you

doing

buddy

 

 

 

 

Okay

now

we

went

through

the

deck

We're

gonna

start

at

the

beginning

now

So

we

go

to

twos

Let's

see

I

got

myself

one

deuce

here

Bullshit

 

Bullshit

Pop

 

He's

a

human

lie

detector

isn't

he

Try

this

son

Two

threes

 

 

Bullshit

You

see

whose

name's

on

the

top

of

the

board

over

there

Yes

It

says

Ben

with

a

star

next

to

it

 

 

God

you

must

be

so

proud

I'm

doing

my

best

What

do

we

got

 

Did

I

No

I

told

the

truth

 

 

All

right

all

right

 

He's

good

He's

the

champ

 

 

 

 

Look

what

I

got

here

I

got

myself

two

sevens

You

see

the

key

to

this

game

is

being

able

to

read

people

 

 

Bullshit

Mama

I'm

gonna

have

to

hurt

you

You

see

Mom's

never

been

that

great

at

it

but

why

 

Just

'cause

I'm

so

pure

of

heart

 

Bullshit

Hello

Hello

where

is

everybody

Hey

This

is

Andie

Andie

this

is

my

sister

Dora

 

 

Andie

is

kicking

Ben's

ass

in

Bullshit

 

 

Yeah

yeah

yeah

 

That's

right

 

Ben's

starting

a

little

card

collection

All

right

Let

me

get

back

on

track

here

Gentle

Ben

starts

with

three

ladies

That's

to

you

What

do

you

got

to

say

about

that

Bullshit

You

heard

me

I

said

bullshit

What

is

that

seven

in

a

row

Sparky

I

think

somebody's

met

his

match

Well

it's

all

about

reading

people

 

 

Bullshit

Bullshit

What's

all

that

Yeah

you

 

I'm

your

daddy

now

 

You

have

met

your

match

And

you

Mom

Miss

Pure

of

Heart

Pop

we'll

talk

later

You're

hiding

behind

a

badge

Cheated

Betrayed

by

my

own

parents

The

only

honest

man

in

this

place

is

Uncle

Arnold

who's

asleep

 

But

I

won

 

I'm

gonna

go

inside

and

play

with

the

kids

Maybe

they

won't

lie

cheat

and

steal

Okay

keep

my

name

at

the

top

of

the

board

Now

Andie

I

hope

you

know

that

we

expect

you

to

come

back

here

because

you

have

held

Ben

to

his

lowest

Bullshit

score

 

 

Yeah

yeah

yeah

 

and

we

are

thrilled

 

Lowest

Why

were

all

his

other

girlfriends

Bullshit

losers

 

 

Ma

he's

picky

You

are

the

first

girl

he's

ever

brought

home

Don't

you

break

his

heart

now

And

that

dress

Andie

Now

does

that

come

in

my

size

 

 

Yes

ma'am

 

It's

heavy

 

 

 

That's

the

clutch

Brake

here

on

your

right

Your

gears

are

on

the

left

 

 

Now

when

you

take

off

you're

gonna

give

a

little

bit

on

the

clutch

and

then

you're

gonna

go

a

little

bit

here

A

little

give

a

little

go

 

How's

it

go

 

Yeah

Clutch

Clutch

and

a

little

brake

There

we

are

 

 

You

got

it

Voilà

voilà

voilà

I

mean

there's

a

lot

of

cool

things

about

a

bike

you

know

Use

less

gas

no

traffic

jam

you

can

park

wherever

the

hell

you

want

 

 

chicks

dig

them

You

look

so

cute

Let

me

ask

you

a

question

 

 

Yes

chicks

dig

this

 

I

turned

 

Who's

driving

like

a

pro

Yeah

look

at

you

Look

at

this

look

Right

Now

this

shower

it's

a

little

bit

tricky

The

hot

is

actually

cold

the

cold

is

actually

hot

You

gotta

crank

it

all

the

way

up

at

first

and

if

somebody

flushes

the

toilet

in

Bayonne

you

are

gonna

get

scalded

Towels

are

right

there

Everything

all

right

Is

this

okay

Oh

no

It's

more

than

okay

I

love

everything

about

this

house

The

noise

the

smells

Oh

Well

the

smells

that's

Uncle

Arnold

I

mean

What's

wrong

It's

just

that

when

your

mama

hugged

me

today

she

really

hugged

me

for

winning

a

game

of

Bullshit

Sweetie

that's

a

good

thing

Smile

Smile

Now

come

on

give

me

a

smile

Okay

that's

good

That's

it

You're

scaring

me

 

This

is

home

huh

 

Hey

listen

tomorrow

night

my

boss

is

throwing

a

party

for

that

diamond

account

I

was

telling

you

about

I

want

you

to

come

with

me

 

 

Yeah

As

my

girlfriend

 

 

Won't

tomorrow

be

the

tenth

day

we've

been

seeing

each

other

Maybe

after

that

we'll

know

Listen

don't

make

any

plans

for

day

okay

'Cause

we

have

a

game

to

go

to

They're

not

as

good

as

seats

as

you

got

us

but

this

is

game

seven

Yes

Oh

come

here

 

 

Lana

I

can't

write

this

article

 

 

I've

gotten

to

know

this

guy

Andie

do

you

see

any

patches

or

insignia

anywhere

on

my

clothing

No

It's

because

I'm

not

your

Girl

Scout

leader

I'm

your

boss

You'll

write

the

article

This

cover

is

at

the

printer

as

we

speak

with

a

special

section

on

diamonds

which

is

going

to

take

care

of

my

ad

quota

for

the

entire

year

I

want

copy

on

my

desk

in

hours

 

Okay

but

Lana

 

No

"but

Lana"

you'll

do

it

Because

you're

a

professional

Yes

I

am

You're

beautiful

You

look

pretty

good

too

Sparky

 

Champagne

madame

 

Chalk

one

up

to

couples

therapy

Some

party

You're

gonna

do

great

I'm

gonna

go

to

the

bar

and

get

us

a

couple

drinks

 

Oh

good

idea

 

And

while

I

do

that

would

you

please

head

over

there

and

frost

yourself

 

 

Yes

ma'am

you

can

 

Phillip

 

Lana

I

don't

see

you

at

a

party

for

ages

Now

here

you

are

throwing

the

bash

of

the

year

I'm

glad

you

could

make

it

 

 

I

know

Harry

Winston

How

did

you

get

all

these

jewelers

to

agree

to

appear

at

the

same

fête

 

 

You

see

Mr

DeLauer

controls

%

of

the

world's

diamonds

and

Mrs

DeLauer

controls

Mr

DeLauer

 

You're

bad

 

Lana

 

 

Oh

no

no

no

no

I

insist

 

Yes

sir

 

 

 

Oh

no

I'm

Andie

And

a

pleasure

to

meet

you

Andie

but

this

is

Isadora

Turn

Eightyfour

karats

named

for

Isadora

Duncan

 

 

 

 

Does

she

or

doesn't

she

We're

gonna

find

out

 

 

 

 

Well

it

looks

like

you've

got

some

competition

anyway

Miss

Anderson

will

be

wearing

Isadora

for

the

evening

 

Enjoy

the

party

Andie

 

 

Oh

that's

stunning

 

Fabulous

Excuse

me

Two

champagnes

please

sir

Pardon

me

young

man

Would

you

be

kind

enough

to

order

me

a

whiskey

sour

Yes

ma'am

I

can

 

 

 

I'm

Ben

Barry

with

Warren

Advertising

 

The

pleasure

is

mine

It's

nice

to

finally

meet

you

I'm

very

happy

to

meet

you

too

That's

for

sure

Can

I

get

a

whiskey

sour

please

I

can

promise

you

that

our

presentation

will

not

weary

you

in

the

wrong

way

Mrs

DeLauer

I

cannot

wait

to

see

what

you

present

Benjamin

Ladies

do

you

see

what

I

see

Oh

Phillip

that's

ridiculous

She

couldn't

possibly

Don't

be

so

sure

She

might

possibly

I

think

I'll

go

find

out

 

Excuse

me

You're

Andie

yes

 

I'm

Phillip

Warren

 

Oh

you're

Ben's

boss

 

That's

right

 

 

I

understand

you've

been

an

inspiration

to

Ben

in

more

ways

than

one

And

I

must

say

you

look

rather

inspired

yourself

There

isn't

a

diamond

in

the

room

that

sparkles

like

a

woman

in

love

Oh

no

no

 

I'm

not

in

love

 

No

no

no

I

mean

I

just

I

mean

I've

only

known

him

for

days

I

You

can't

I

can't

be

Ben

is

a

very

lucky

man

 

 

Mr

Warren

please

don't

tell

him

Please

don't

tell

him

 

Ben

Ben

 

Hey

hello

gentlemen

 

 

She

loves

you

she

loves

you

not

 

 

I

don't

know

We'll

see

Ben

 

 

Saw

her

met

her

she

loves

you

You

win

Get

ready

to

pitch

 

All

right

 

Yes

Yes

 

Congratulations

point

man

 

I'm

very

proud

So

you're

the

new

point

man

on

the

DeLauers

 

 

And

good

for

whoever

she

is

 

 

You're

so

very

welcome

 

Gloating

are

we

 

 

 

You

don't

mess

with

my

man

Ben

Your

man

Ben

is

a

cheater

The

girl

has

known

about

the

bet

from

the

beginning

She

was

playing

along

so

Ben

would

win

Tell

him

to

enjoy

his

shortlived

illgotten

victory

We're

going

to

talk

to

Warren

No

 

 

 

Hi

 

You

know

Warren

is

gonna

come

over

here

in

a

minute

and

it

would

be

so

great

if

you

could

just

you

know

like

act

like

you

don't

know

anything

about

the

bet

I

mean

if

you

could

tell

him

that

you

really

truly

love

Ben

you

know

and

you

weren't

just

you

know

pretending

so

he

would

win

that

would

be

huge

So

what's

the

average

Composure

reader

like

Spunky

insatiable

Uppity

you

bet

If

you'll

excuse

me

Lana

there's

a

beautiful

young

woman

in

a

yellow

dress

that

I

must

go

to

Andie

She's

my

howto

girl

 

 

Right

now

she's

doing

an

article

called

How

To

Lose

a

Guy

in

Days

 

 

Yeah

and

just

You

love

Ben

and

you

never

heard

anything

about

any

bet

 

Yeah

Love

no

bet

 

Awesome

That's

great

Thank

you

You

look

beautiful

This

poor

schmuck

she's

been

pretending

to

date

well

not

even

pretending

to

date

she's

actually

dating

the

guy

She's

doing

the

most

atrocious

things

to

him

She's

actually

named

his

She's

named

his

You're

Krull

Ladies

and

gentlemen

may

I

ask

you

all

kindly

to

be

seated

 

Now

that

we're

all

suitably

frosted

 

Benjamin

where

have

you

been

 

We

haven't

much

time

to

play

 

and

the

ladies

do

look

lovely

please

help

me

give

a

warm

welcome

to

our

special

guests

of

the

evening

Mr

and

Mrs

Frederic

DeLauer

And

now

I

want

to

introduce

a

true

musical

legend

who

will

perform

some

of

his

Oscar

Grammy

Tony

and

Emmy

awardwinning

songs

Mr

Marvin

Hamlisch

Marvin

Thank

you

very

much

I

really

do

Well

yes

Give

another

hand

for

Marvin

Hamlisch

is

in

the

house

A

lot

of

you

out

here

don't

know

Benjamin

Barry

Well

shame

on

you

'Cause

he

is

a

very

talented

advertising

executive

and

knowledgeable

sports

fan

and

a

wagering

enthusiast

But

most

impressively

he

is

one

hell

of

a

singer

and

he

has

prepared

a

little

musical

snack

for

his

new

special

friend

Mrs

DeLauer

Oh

isn't

that

wonderful

So

Ben

why

don't

you

come

up

here

and

sing

your

song

Come

on

Ben

Ladies

and

gentlemen

Benjamin

Barry

Come

on

Ben

Thank

you

thank

you

thank

you

Andie

Andie

whoa

whoa

don't

run

off

Don't

run

off

Ladies

and

gentlemen

you

do

not

want

this

young

lady

to

leave

the

room

Thayer

Tony

would

you

stop

her

please

You

see

tonight

the

really

special

event

is

that

we

will

be

singing

her

and

I

a

duet

Yes

Miss

Andie

Anderson

Would

you

please

give

her

a

warm

round

of

applause

Thank

you

Andie

Andie

Anderson

Knock

them

out

Let's

see

what

our

song

tonight

will

be

Maybe

one

of

her

personal

favorites

Marvin

do

you

know

You're

So

Vain

That's

not

one

of

my

songs

Can

you

work

with

me

Marvin

Yeah

Yeah

yeah

yeah

yeah

yeah

yeah

You

walked

into

the

party

Like

you

were

walking

onto

a

yacht

You

had

your

hat

pulled

down

real

strategically

over

one

eye

You

had

a

scarf

I

think

it

was

apricot

 

 

Yeah

yeah

yeah

You

had

one

eye

in

the

mirror

As

you

make

sure

you

got

a

real

cool

 

 

And

all

the

girls

think

that

they'd

be

your

partner

They'd

be

his

partner

'cause

He's

so

vain

You

probably

think

this

song

is

about

you

Ben

Barry

you're

so

vain

You

probably

think

this

song

is

about

you

Don't

you

Don't

you

Tonedeaf

and

drunk

is

not

a

good

combination

You

fooled

me

to

win

a

bet

and

you

should

feel

ashamed

Look

you

took

me

to

a

goddamn

Celine

Dion

concert

You

made

me

miss

the

big

game

Oh

smart

guy's

a

rhymer

Well

do

we

want

everybody

to

know

your

lovemaking

is

lame

Maybe

'cause

you

named

my

penis

Yeah

you

named

my

penis

You

named

my

penis

after

a

dame

I

really

think

you

have

to

get

over

that

 

Come

on

You're

so

vain

 

No

you're

so

vain

This

is

the

worst

thing

I've

ever

heard

You

know

that

this

song's

about

you

don't

you

 

No

Because

you're

so

vain

 

So

vain

You're

so

vain

Yeah

you

do

know

the

words

so

well

don't

you

There

she

goes

ladies

and

gentlemen

There

she

goes

 

Thanks

guys

 

Take

it

from

here

Marvin

Wasn't

she

wearing

the

Isadora

diamond

Isadora

Mon

dieu

Security

No

no

no

no

Hold

on

Andie

Anderson

I'm

not

done

with

you

You

used

me

to

get

ahead

in

your

work

 

 

you

arrogant

backstabbing

jerk

 

Hold

it

Lady

hold

it

 

Come

on

Andie

All

right

you

drove

me

half

insane

for

a

goddamn

magazine

article

Oh

yeah

and

you

told

people

you

could

make

any

girl

fall

in

love

with

you

 

and

I

I

was

exhibit

A

 

Ma'am

Time

out

 

 

Look

please

just

give

me

the

necklace

Then

you

guys

can

go

on

and

kill

each

other

So

that's

what

I

was

huh

I

was

a

guinea

pig

Somebody

you

could

test

your

theories

on

Yeah

and

I

was

just

a

girl

somebody

picked

out

in

a

bar

Yeah

you

know

what

Big

deal

Hell

I'm

sure

now

you

can

even

use

it

as

a

little

twist

in

your

story

That's

a

good

idea

Maybe

we

should

bet

on

it

You

know

what

You

did

your

job

now

Andie

 

Yes

I

did

 

You

wanted

to

lose

a

guy

in

days

Congratulations

You

did

it

You

just

lost

him

No

I

didn't

Ben

'Cause

you

can't

lose

something

you

never

had

Well

it's

not

what

I

expected

It's

better

Congratulations

This

shows

me

you're

ready

to

be

unleashed

From

now

on

feel

free

to

write

about

anything

Anything

Wherever

the

wind

blows

you

 

 

The

wind's

not

going

to

blow

you

there

What

about

religion

poverty

economics

This

wind

is

really

more

of

a

light

breeze

 

What

can

I

write

about

Lana

 

Shoes

laser

therapy

dressing

for

your

body

type

Use

your

imagination

The

sky

is

the

limit

 

Thank

you

for

this

opportunity

Lana

 

And

thank

you

for

making

it

easy

for

me

to

turn

down

No

I

mean

look

it's

not

something

I'm

proud

of

Obviously

if

I

could

do

it

over

again

I'd

do

some

things

differently

you

know

I

tell

you

it's

good

to

talk

to

you

though

man

It

really

is

I

know

it

You

are

the

only

one

that

knows

us

both

Yeah

You

wanna

go

You

wanna

go

to

the

game

Well

go

ahead

'cause

I'm

not

going

Seventh

and

final

game

in

what

has

been

a

classic

series

Sweetie

I

wouldn't

have

gone

either

I

mean

I

would

have

liked

to

have

gone

but

you

probably

wouldn't

let

me

You're

doing

the

right

thing

Oh

sweetie

There's

the

Chinese

I'm

coming

 

Okay

so

that's

gonna

 

Andie

that

wasn't

the

Chinese

It's

Mike

 

Mike

 

Talk

to

him

Okay

okay

Okay

Mike

Mike

 

 

So

what

are

you

doing

here

I

don't

know

exactly

It

was

last

night

I

was

I

was

just

lying

there

and

trying

to

sleep

And

you

know

that

perfume

you

sprayed

on

my

pillow

 

Oh

yeah

 

Well

that

smell

is

gone

now

And

Michelle

I

want

it

back

I

don't

know

if

you

can

have

it

back

Right

Yeah

Okay

But

I'm

willing

to

consider

it

Okay

Yeah

 

 

Hi

Hi

Oh

my

God

 

 

Who

needs

men

Ladies

frost

yourselves

And

cut

it

Very

nice

Okay

let's

go

One

more

Right

away

people

We'll

keep

working

on

it

Tim

can

I

see

playback

Open

me

Ben

 

Please

break

my

binding

Please

 

Jesus

get

that

out

of

here

man

 

 

No

thanks

Okay

"I've

lost

a

guy

and

I

don't

know

why

What

went

wrong"

"When

I

started

writing

this

month's

column

I

wanted

to

commit

those

certain"

silly

dating

faux

pas

"What

I

didn't

realize

was

that

I

was

making"

the

biggest

mistake

of

all

"

Here

Trust

me

Read

it

Come

on

set

Andie

Anderson

 

Excuse

me

ma'am

 

Holy

crap

 

Where's

Andie

Anderson

 

She's

not

here

 

 

She's

got

an

interview

in

Washington

 

When's

she

leaving

 

 

 

Well

like

now

 

You're

not

a

therapist

are

you

 

Oh

no

Good

job

though

You

owe

me

bucks

Andie

Andie

 

Ben

 

Pull

over

we

need

to

talk

Are

you

trying

to

get

yourself

killed

If

that's

what

it

takes

yeah

Now

pull

over

the

cab

Sir

Excuse

me

sir

Could

you

please

pull

the

car

over

We're

in

the

middle

of

a

bridge

lady

I

can't

pull

the

car

over

here

Okay

well

then

do

you

have

an

ashtray

or

something

I

can

throw

up

in

Hey

lady

Watch

it

broad

 

 

Ben

please

Is

this

true

or

are

you

just

trying

to

sell

magazines

I

meant

every

word

Well

where

are

you

going

 

 

Yeah

in

Washington

I

know

Where

are

you

going

Ben

it's

the

only

place

I

can

go

and

write

what

I

want

to

write

No

I'm

not

buying

that

You

can

write

anywhere

I

think

you're

running

away

Why

don't

you

save

your

mind

games

for

your

next

bet

okay

I

am

not

running

away

Bullshit

Excuse

me

You

heard

me

Bullshit

Hey

lady

what

do

you

wanna

do

Take

the

lady's

luggage

back

to

her

place

She

has

alternate

transportation

You

calling

my

bluff

You

bet

I

am

 

 

It's

our

love

fern

Oh

Benny

BooBoo

BooBooBoo

 

 

 

Serendipity

[bells

jingling]

LOUIS

ARMSTRONG:

#

From

Coney

Island

to

the

Sunset

Strip

#

#

Somebody's

gonna

make

a

happy

trip

#

#

Tonight

#

#

While

the

moon

is

bright

#

#

He's

gonna

have

a

bag

of

crazy

toys

#

#

To

give

the

grownies

of

the

girls

and

boys

#

#

So

dig

#

#

Santa

comes

on

big

#

#

He'll

come

acallin'

when

it

snows

the

most

#

#

When

all

you

cats

are

sleepin'

warm

as

toast

#

#

And

you

gonna

flip

when

Old

Saint

Nick

#

#

Plays

a

lick

on

a

peppermint

stick

#

#

He

come

aflyin'

from

the

higher

place

#

#

And

fill

the

stocking

by

the

fireplace

#

#

So

you'll

#

#

Have

a

Yule

that's

cool

#

 

[baby

crying]

 

#

Yeah

from

Coney

Island

to

the

Sunset

Strip

#

#

Somebody's

gonna

make

a

happy

trip

#

#

Tonight

#

#

While

the

moon

is

bright

#

#

He's

gonna

have

a

bag

of

crazy

toys

#

#

To

give

the

grownies

of

the

girls

and

boys

#

#

So

dig

#

#

Santa

comes

on

big

#

Excuse

me

#

Come

acallin'

when

it

snows

the

most

#

#

When

cats

are

sleepin'

warm

as

toast

#

#

And

you

gonna

flip

when

Old

Saint

Nick

#

#

Plays

a

lick

on

a

peppermint

stick

#

 

Whoo

 

I'm

sorry

 

 

 

[chuckles]

 

 

 

No

please

It's

the

last

one

Uh

miss

do

you

have

another

pair

of

these

black

cashmere

gloves

Whatever's

out

is

what

we

have

You

don't

have

a

stockroom

 

 

No

We

don't

have

an

attic

either

Um

listen

you

take

'em

I

don't

need

'em

No

no

no

You

saw

them

first

I

Please

I

insist

I

mean

here

Take

'em

 

Oh

oh

Hey

wait

a

minute

Whoa

whoa

whoa

whoa

whoa

Hey

 

Excuse

me

sir

 

 

 

 

 

Well

how

come

I

mean

They're

just

sort

of

hanging

there

sleeping

with

their

little

price

tag

on

We

were

just

discussing

them

all

right

This

is

uh

Well

I

have

news

for

you

You

can

go

on

discussing

them

long

after

I've

paid

for

them

Calm

down

all

right

Just

calm

down

Calm

down

It's

five

days

before

Christmas

I'm

in

the

middle

of

a

New

York

department

store

He's

asking

me

to

calm

down

Well

listen

These

were

meant

to

be

a

very

special

gift

for

someone

Yeah

we've

put

quite

a

lot

of

thought

into

those

 

 

Isn't

that

right

Who

are

you

And

who

were

they

for

 

 

 

 

One

pair

of

gloves

for

two

people

 

 

Well

try

All

right

Go

ahead

Oh

Uh

well

he

is

at

the

present

time

my

boyfriend

But

in

months

after

the

operation

 

 

my

girlfriend

Do

you

understand

That

didn't

really

work

out

 

No

but

Merry

Christmas

anyway

 

MAN:

All

right

Well

you

earned

these

That

was

quick

on

your

feet

 

 

Yeah

it

was

It

was

 

I

don't

know

how

to

thank

you

 

Ah

well

#

And

have

a

Yule

that's

cool

#

HOST:

They're

ready

for

you

guys

WOMAN:

Thank

you

I

don't

know

if

what

you

said

to

that

guy

makes

any

sense

It

was

helpful

I

think

we

scared

the

bejesus

out

of

him

Oh

you

were

pretty

fierce

This

will

work

though

This

is

quite

a

coffee

No

but

I'm

serious

about

the

check

It's

the

least

I

can

do

Well

thank

you

but

see

now

I

have

to

go

find

something

else

for

my

girlfriend

 

Oh

they

were

for

your

girlfriend

 

Yes

they

were

Oh

I

can't

accept

them

then

Well

you

have

to

Otherwise

you

won't

treat

Really

Let

me

tell

you

something

This

is

the

ultimate

blended

drink

Where

did

you

find

this

place

I

first

came

in

because

of

the

name

 

 

 

It's

one

of

my

favorite

words

 

 

 

'Cause

it's

such

a

nice

sound

for

what

it

means:

A

fortunate

accident

 

 

Except

I

don't

really

believe

in

accidents

I

think

fate's

behind

everything

Oh

you

do

 

 

Fate's

behind

everything

Well

I

think

so

Everything's

predestined

We

don't

have

any

choice

at

all

No

I

think

we

make

our

own

decisions

I

just

think

that

fate

sends

us

little

signs

and

it's

how

we

read

the

signs

that

determines

whether

we're

happy

or

not

Little

signals

 

 

Fortunate

accidents

Lucky

discoveries

Like

Columbus

and

America

Yeah

or

Fleming

discovering

 

penicillin

 

 

 

Or

"Jonathan

and

the

Gloves"

I

don't

know

that

one

You

don't

know

that

story

It's

an

old

folk

tale

Classic

Our

hero

Jonathan

goes

out

in

search

of

black

gloves

And

in

a

perfect

act

of

serendipiocity

or

serendipaciousness

he

runs

into

a

beautiful

attractive

English

girl

with

a

boyfriend

You

have

a

boyfriend

right

 

Yeah

I

do

 

That's

what

I

thought

And

you

have

the

glove

lady

Yes

I

do

 

 

Well

I

hope

you

enjoy

the

gloves

you

bought

yourself

Oh

I'm

sure

I

will

I

usually

appreciate

my

own

thoughtfulness

What

do

you

want

for

Christmas

 

 

So

you're

gonna

meet

your

boyfriend

now

or

what

No

I

think

he's

probably

out

doing

what

you're

doing

Getting

a

crush

on

someone

else's

girlfriend

No

I'm

sorry

I

just

meant

to

say

that

I

had

a

really

great

time

and

Umyou

know

maybe

you

should

give

me

your

phone

number

you

know

just

in

case

 

 

You

know

in

case

of

life

I

just

had

a

great

time

and

I'd

never

be

able

to

find

you

again

Well

if

we're

meant

to

meet

again

then

we'll

meet

again

It's

just

not

the

right

time

now

Maybe

we

were

supposed

to

meet

on

British

time

 

and

we're

five

hours

too

early

 

[laughs]

Come

on

I

don't

even

know

your

name

My

name

is

Jonathan

Does

that

make

you

wanna

tell

me

something

Yeah

it

does

Merry

Christmas

Jonathan

And

thanks

[cab

door

closes]

That's

it

#

I

can

feel

my

heart

#

 

JONATHAN:

Oh

Jesus

I'm

sorry

 

#

And

it's

fit

to

burst

#

I'm

sorry

about

that

#

I

try

to

clean

it

up

#

#

But

I

just

get

worse

#

#

Wish

I

could

fall

#

#

On

a

night

like

this

#

 

#

Into

your

loving

arms

#

 

No

Nothing

down

here

Why

don't

you

go

upstairs

 

Maybe

it's

still

there

 

#

I

thought

I

saw

your

face

#

#

In

the

evening

sky

#

#

On

a

lonesome

cloud

#

#

That

was

drifting

by

#

#

I

wish

I

could

fall

#

#

On

a

night

like

this

#

#

Into

your

loving

arms

#

Hey

Hey

Let's

go

do

something

All

right

What

you

wanna

do

I

don't

care

All

right

Come

on

Now

promise

me

you're

not

just

visiting

here

for

a

week

or

marrying

somebody

to

get

a

green

card

or

on

parole

None

of

the

above

You

No

no

no

Proud

US

citizen

No

criminal

record

So

you

won't

tell

me

your

name

Well

tell

me

uh

what

do

you

miss

most

about

Mother

England

I

miss

my

mom

terribly

If

I

were

her

I'd

miss

you

too

WOMAN:

Okay

Favorite

movie

The

correct

answer

is

Cool

Hand

Luke

I've

never

seen

it

Oh

come

on

You've

never

seen

Cool

Hand

Luke

Paul

Newman

Oh

my

God

Come

on

Failure

to

communicate

sadistic

cop

in

sunglasses

with

no

name

 

 

[chuckles]

Um

favorite

New

York

moment

This

one's

climbing

the

charts

I'm

flattered

Is

there

anything

else

you

need

to

know

about

me

Huh

Favorite

sexual

position

[laughing]

Oh

Whoa

Whoa

Whoa

Yeah

yeah

That's

my

favorite

too

 

 

 

 

 

Yes

a

little

 

 

 

Oh

let's

take

a

look

at

that

Oh

Jesus

Wow

 

That's

a

deep

deep

gash

 

 

 

[laughs]

Well

we'll

fix

that

right

up

There

you

go

What

Oh

you're

looking

at

my

freckles

It's

the

curse

of

the

English

I'm

afraid

 

 

No

you

have

great

teeth

Those

aren't

just

freckles

If

you

look

closely

you

can

see

Cassiopeia

 

 

Hold

on

a

minute

Okay

All

right

[clears

throat]

Here's

the

story:

A

long

time

ago

in

Ethiopia

there

was

this

queen

named

Cassiopeia

who

thought

she

was

the

most

beautiful

woman

in

the

entire

world

and

there

wasn't

anybody

in

the

kingdom

who

wasn't

offended

by

this

woman's

relentless

vanity

And

then

one

day

she

really

screwed

up

and

offended

the

gods

I

don't

remember

what

she

did

and

I

don't

remember

who

she

offended

But

it

was

bad

She

crossed

the

line

But

anyway

Poseidon

the

sea

god

punished

Cassiopeia

by

placing

her

in

the

heavens

upside

down

in

her

throne

stuck

for

eternity

with

her

skirt

around

her

shoulders

and

all

the

blood

rushing

to

her

head

And

now

she's

just

a

constellation

in

the

sky

a

bunch

of

English

freckles

in

the

shape

of

a

throne

So

she

made

one

tragic

mistake

And

paid

for

eternity

Correct

 

Yeah

yeah

yeah

 

Legible

legible

I

can't

believe

I'm

doing

this

Now

please

please

Let

fate

take

its

proper

course

[exhales]

Oh

Oh

That

was

an

accident

Write

down

that

again

please

I

can't

That

was

a

sign

Fate's

telling

us

to

back

off

If

fate

didn't

want

us

to

be

together

then

why

did

we

meet

tonight

huh

Gotcha

Well

I

don't

know

but

it's

not

an

exact

science

It's

a

feeling

Well

what

if

you're

wrong

huh

What

if

it's

all

in

our

hands

and

we

just

walk

away

No

names

no

phone

numbers

nothing

What

do

you

think’s

gonna

happen

Do

you

think

good

old

fate

is

just

gonna

deliver

my

information

right

to

your

doorstep

Do

you

know

that's

the

best

idea

you've

had

all

night

 

What's

the

best

 

Write

your

name

and

number

down

 

On

a

$

bill

 

You

are

a

strange

and

interesting

woman

[laughs]

Now

what

Wait

there

[horn

honks]

Hey

What

the

hell

was

that

When

that

$

bill

makes

its

way

back

into

my

hands

I'll

be

able

to

call

you

And

when

you

hear

my

voice

on

the

other

end

then

you'll

believe

in

fate

won't

you

[playing

Joy

to

the

World]

JONATHAN:

Hey

what

about

me

WOMAN:

What

do

you

mean

Well

we

have

to

send

something

out

in

the

universe

with

your

name

on

it

don't

we

Come

on

Isn't

that

the

only

fair

thing

That

Is

the

only

fair

thing

What

have

I

got

even

Ooh

No

I

have

a

really

good

idea

 

 

That's

a

lot

of

tuba

 

Okay

see

this

book

 

Okay

so

when

I

get

home

tonight

I'm

gonna

write

my

name

and

number

inside

this

book

And

then

first

thing

tomorrow

morning

I'll

sell

it

to

a

usedbook

store

Which

one

You're

not

gonna

tell

me

You're

not

gonna

tell

me

Why

not

Well

now

every

time

you

go

past

an

old

bookstore

you're

gonna

have

to

go

inside

to

see

if

it's

there

This

is

just

wrong

You

don't

just

have

the

most

incredible

night

of

your

life

with

a

perfect

stranger

and

then

leave

it

all

to

chance

do

ya

Do

ya

Come

with

me

a

second

JONATHAN:

What

are

we

gonna

get

a

room

I'm

kidding

But

I

wanna

know

you

more

JONATHAN:

Come

on

Where

are

we

going

 

Okay

Now

you

stay

here

 

No

stay

here

Stay

there

Don't

make

me

come

over

there

 

 

Right

if

we

both

randomly

pick

the

same

floor

we're

meant

to

be

together

now

You're

insane

[elevator

bells

ding]

Come

on

Okay

get

in

take

a

breath

and

then

when

the

door

closes

hit

a

button

I

don't

understand

this

You

don't

have

to

understand

You

just

have

to

have

faith

Filth

in

what

Destiny

Oh

Here

Hey

It's

Sara

My

name's

Sara

[elevator

bell

dings]

[ding]

And

here

it

is

See

You

were

right

 

 

FATHER:

Let's

go

buddy

 

JONATHAN:

We're

going

up

here

 

FATHER:

Oh

that's

okay

Josh

likes

to

ride

either

way

 

Don't

you

Josh

 

Arrrrr

Don't

do

that

Don't

touch

those

Hey

calm

down

He's

just

a

kid

[Josh

hisses]

[bell

dinging

back

and

forth]

Looks

like

we've

stopped

[hissing]

[snarling]

Ayah

[snarl]

 

Oh

We're

going

again

 

[ding]

JOSH:

Where

is

she

Is

she

here

No

no

I

don't

think

so

FATHER:

Come

on

Josh

Let's

go

buddy

 

[ding]

 

JONATHAN:

Okay

stay

alert

[Josh

crying]

 

 

No

not

here

 

 

WOMAN:

She's

not

here

Come

on

Come

on

Move

it

Come

on

boy

[dog

barks]

[ding]

[ding]

[passersby

talking

indistinct]

Hey

Sara

Oh

I'm

sorry

 

Hey

I'm

sorry

 

I'm

sorry

[subway

train

braking]

MAN:

Usually

I

have

to

beg

to

be

a

part

of

weddings

And

If

I

do

get

into

the

wedding

of

course

they've

postponed

it

and

it's

overseas

somewhere

and

they've

canceled

my

passport

and

I

can't

be

a

part

of

it

and

it's

ridiculous

and

all

for

naught

Well

thank

you

I

take

this

very

seriously

It's

a

gift

to

be

the

best

man

[sighs]

They

say

that

once

in

your

lifetime

someone

comes

along

whom

you're

absolutely

meant

to

be

with

Everything

feels

great

stars

are

aligned

body

and

spirit

are

In

balance

For

my

friend

Jonathan

Trager

that

person

was

me

[laughter]

But

as

you

know

Jonny

and

I

were

simpatico

We

were

brothers

from

another

mother

We

were

friends

since

freshman

year

I

watched

him

go

out

with

woman

after

woman

and

he'd

always

come

crawling

He

would

come

crawling

back

to

me

It

was

embarrassing

You

loved

it

But

then

one

night

he

came

home

and

things

were

different

His

adolescent

dream

of

becoming

a

documentary

filmmaker

was

a

thing

of

the

past

Thank

God

He

hardly

even

responded

to

my

playful

yet

tormenting

flicks

of

my

finger

against

the

soft

part

of

his

skull

as

he

studied

for

finals

And

that

is

because

he

had

found

her:

the

woman

he

was

meant

to

be

with

And

if

anyone

is

qualified

to

know

when

he

met

his

soul

mate

it

would

be

me

his

first

wife

She's

smart

she's

funny

she's

beautiful

In

short

she's

the

kind

of

woman

that

any

man

would

dream

about

And

I

think

we

all

have

So

it

is

with

sadness

and

fond

fond

memories

that

I

raise

my

glass

to

the

new

Mrs

Jonathan

Trager

 

 

Hear

hear

I'll

tell

you

what

I'll

tell

you

something

my

friends

if

I

had

to

lose

Jonny

to

anyone

I

can't

imagine

a

more

perfect

woman

than

Halley

 

 

[glass

clinks]

Cheers

to

both

of

you

How

drunk

is

he

on

a

scale

of

one

to

ten

Twelve

You

think

we'll

ever

outromance

Dean

and

Courtney

I

don't

know

I

don't

think

I've

ever

seen

them

fight

Me

neither

Must

be

a

bitch

on

their

sex

life

We

We

have

a

pomegranate

souffle

which

is

amazing

which

is

different

than

the

sorbet

Listen

we'd

love

to

join

you

guys

but

Courtney

has

to

wake

up

so

I

got

to

be

good

Halley

listen

to

me

It's

not

too

late

to

back

out

 

And

I'm

up

I'm

up

 

 

Good

night

Dean

[all

talking

at

once]

Mama

you

don't

want

to

see

this

but

I

need

I

need

to

snuggle

I'm

gonna

sleep

it

off

Listen

you're

wonderful

 

 

Take

care

Come

on

hon

You

guys

listen

I

hate

to

tell

you

but

I

gotta

go

home

too

 

 

I

gotta

get

up

at

:

in

the

morning

My

day

is

crazy

tomorrow

 

 

He

doesn't

want

to

come

 

He

doesn't

have

to

come

 

I'll

see

you

in

about

hours

 

Byebye

dear

 

 

I

love

you

son

 

 

 

 

 

You

okay

 

 

Yeah

why

 

Because

I'm

gonna

come

home

and

 

get

undressed

 

climb

into

bed

 

act

like

we

just

got

over

a

terrible

fight

[man

whistles]

Cab

See

you

later

now

SIDEWALK

SELLER:

Buy

a

book

Reading

is

good

for

you

Knowledge

Read

it

Hold

on

hold

on

Listen

listen

I

read

it

I

read

it

a

long

time

ago

I'll

throw

in

the

screenplay

to

the

Bridges

of

Madison

County

 

 

Okay

and

And

nothing

I

mean

I

mean

I

did

nothing

I

I

just

let

her

walk

out

of

the

party

and

I

didn't

say

anything

to

her

And

now

she's

gone

forever

I

mean

she

was

my

soul

mate

Kenny

I

honestly

think

it's

dangerous

to

use

the

term

"soul

mate"

It

implies

there's

some

magical

element

that

we

have

no

control

over

like

fate

or

destiny

I

think

holding

onto

beliefs

like

that

stops

us

doing

the

real

work

And

the

fact

is

if

your

therapy

here

stays

on

track

I

think

you'll

find

there

are

many

many

people

out

there

you

could

easily

be

happy

with

You

truly

believe

all

that

Sara

Yeah

I

really

do

 

 

#

From

the

very

first

time

I

rest

my

eyes

on

you

boy

#

#

My

heart

said

follow

through

#

#

But

I

know

now

that

I'm

way

down

on

your

line

#

#

But

the

waiting

feeling’s

fine

#

#

You

see

#

#

I

don't

wanna

wait

in

vain

for

your

love

#

#

I

don't

wanna

wait

in

vain

for

your

love

#

#

I

don't

wanna

wait

in

vain

for

your

love

#

#

'Cause

summer

is

here

#

 

#

And

I'm

still

waiting

there

#

 

#

Summer

is

here

#

#

Winter

is

here

I'm

still

waiting

there

#

#

Like

I

said

#

#

It's

been

three

years

since

I'm

knocking

on

your

door

#

#

And

I

still

can

knock

some

more

#

#

Ooh

boy

ooh

boy

#

#

Is

it

crazy

Look

I

wanna

know

now

#

#

For

I

to

knock

some

more

#

#

You

see

#

#

In

life

I

know

#

MAN:

You

got

to

say

yes

first

#

But

your

love

is

my

relief

#

#

Tears

in

my

eyes

burn

#

Yes

#

While

I'm

waiting

while

I'm

waiting

for

my

day

#

#

You

see

#

Wait

a

second

Ow

 

 

 

Ow

ow

ow

 

 

 

Ow

Okay

you're

not

gonna

read

into

this

right

Sara

I

mean

it's

just

an

accident

nothing

more

No

God

we'll

get

it

refitted

It's

beautiful

I

love

it

You

You

get

changed

I

wanna

call

Ryan

tell

him

you

said

yes

Why

Was

he

worried

Not

about

you

About

the

tour

He's

hoping

to

fit

the

honeymoon

into

the

schedule

How's

Bora

Bora

sound

Very

sexy

sexy

#

I

don't

wanna

wait

in

vain

for

your

love

#

#

I

don't

wanna

wait

in

vain

for

your

love

#

#

I

don't

wanna

wait

#

 

[golf

club

striking

ball]

 

MAN:

Now

if

you're

a

golfer

on

a

onehour

lunch

break

you'd

use

that

time

up

just

getting

to

the

nearest

course

out

of

Manhattan

All

this

was

a

long

overdue

solution

Formerly

a

dilapidated

pier

and

converted

just

five

years

ago

the

range

offers

the

inhabitants

of

this

concrete

jungle

the

chance

to

keep

their

drives

straight

their

short

games

accurate

and

most

of

all

brings

the

joys

and

frustrations

of

golf

back

to

city

folk

This

is

Nick

Roberts

ESPN

News

New

York

City

Superb

Nick

We

got

it

Thank

you

 

Artie

gotta

run

okay

 

 

 

Paging

Sara

Lawson

Please

come

to

the

front

desk

You

come

back

get

the

Broll

on

Friday

 

Yeah

Whatever

you

say

boss

 

Thank

you

sir

I'm

Sara

Lawson

Hi

 

 

Sorry

I'm

late

You're

down

at

position

number

two

SARA:

Oh

right

Bad

golfers

all

the

way

down

there

right

Dude

take

off

We

got

it

#

Well

well

these

days

#

Well

hello

Mr

Marrying

Man

 

Hi

Uh

where's

Lauren

 

Oh

Lauren

took

the

day

off

My

name

is

Sara

and

I'm

gonna

cut

your

hair

today

You

know

what

I'm

not

thrilled

with

having

that

"just

cut

hair"

look

 

for

my

own

wedding

so

 

I'm

just

gonna

take

a

little

bit

off

I

gotta

live

with

these

pictures

the

rest

of

my

life

 

 

Please

you

know

uh

#

It's

you

#

#

And

me

forever

ahah

#

#

Sara

#

#

Smile

#

Whoo

 

#

Won't

you

smile

awhile

for

me

#

 

Take

me

to

the

New

York

Times

building

on

nd

please

 

 

#

Sara

#

[horns

honking]

 

Whoo

 

[car

alarm

blaring

horns

honk]

JONATHAN:

I'm

telling

you

I

keep

running

into

it

I

keep

finding

it

It

keeps

happening

She

was

at

the

golf

range

She's

a

big

girl

now

with

big

hips

All

right

Then

I

gotta

leave

'cause

Sara's

gonna

cut

my

hair

and

the

guy

in

the

taxi

he's

serenading

me

Sara

I'm

telling

you

the

universe

keeps

revealing

her

to

me

screwing

with

my

head

 

You're

getting

married

in

three

days

 

That's

my

point

It's

entirely

duplicitous

Think

about

it

Why

would

you

risk

your

relationship

with

Halley

just

to

search

for

some

pipe

dream

Just

hear

me

out

man

I'm

sure

that

I

love

Halley

all

right

And

maybe

every

time

you

fall

in

love

with

somebody

it's

a

completely

different

experience

so

it's

a

mistake

to

compare

them

 

I

get

it

but

 

All

right

It's

like

Halley

is

The

Godfather

Part

II

She's

what

Godfather

Part

II

That

was

an

incredible

movie

Might

be

better

than

the

original

All

right

But

no

matter

how

much

you

love

The

Godfather

Part

II

you

still

have

to

see

the

original

to

understand

and

appreciate

the

sequel

don't

ya

Come

on

Is

it

too

much

to

ask

of

my

oldest

friend

to

help

me

out

You

already

got

the

fairytale

marriage

I'm

the

best

man

You

work

in

the

biggest

newspaper

in

the

world

 

Now

why

don't

you

help

me

find

her

 

Let

me

tell

you

something:

Contrary

to

popular

New

York

myth

the

Times

is

not

omniscient

I

need

a

last

name

I

need

a

social

security

number

 

 

It

It's

a

dead

end

You

know

that

Unless

we

search

every

bookstore

in

New

York

You

did

that

Years

ago

 

 

Maybe

somebody

bought

it

and

sold

it

back

Here's

the

deal

You

know

what

I

don't

want

any

part

of

this

All

right

JONATHAN:

Maybe

I

am

just

getting

cold

feet

I'm

telling

you

right

now

British

women

do

not

age

well

You

know

I

mean

years

ago

yes

she

was

a

luscious

treat

You

know

she

probably

looked

like

you

know

Baby

Spice

But

now

she

could

look

like

Old

Spice

 

It's

a

great

haircut

 

 

 

 

 

I

don't

know

Like

how

I'm

the

only

girl

in

the

entire

universe

meant

for

you

[beeping]

Oh

my

God

the

dinner

By

the

way

I

emptied

your

closet

We

gotta

pack

for

the

honeymoon

[beeping

continues]

God

I

hate

this

building

Shut

up

Don't

hit

it

with

the

thing

[beeping

continues]

 

Jon

 

I'm

gonna

go

yell

at

the

super

[door

opens

and

closes]

HALLEY:

I

don't

understand

why

this

is

going

off

You

said

last

week

it

would

be

fine

 

SUPER:

Hey

Jon

 

Jesus

this

place

looks

like

a

disaster

area

 

Thanks

Gerald

 

Gerald

it's

in

here

GERALD:

I

gotta

get

going

Coming

[ragarock

music

plays]

Come

on

I

wanna

see

I

wanna

see

I

wanna

see

I

thought

you

wanted

a

roundcut

diamond

Why

When

did

I

say

that

I'm

not

exactly

sure

But

I

mean

when

we

were

younger

I

think

Oh

God

When

I

was

younger

I

was

gonna

marry

Boris

Becker

wasn't

I

 

Hey

guys

 

Hey

 

 

Well

I

mean

Was

that

last

song

really

inspired

by

my

sister

Every

artist

needs

his

muse

 

 

Hey

I

pay

you

for

the

good

news

No

You

pay

me

to

keep

away

the

bad

news

Bring

it

on

Lars'

dates

in

Stockholm

sold

out

in

eight

hours

Wow

That

means

we're

gonna

have

to

add

some

more

shows

So

we'll

bump

Paris

and

then

we'll

Sorry

Um

I

don't

wanna

spoil

anyone's

party

but

Lars

and

I

have

already

set

the

dates

for

our

honeymoon

and

our

wedding

and

I've

told

my

patients

when

I'm

going

Well

baby

your

patients

can

do

without

you

for

a

couple

weeks

He's

right

Sara

I

mean

a

couple

of

extra

weeks

in

Europe

aren't

gonna

kill

you

Caroline's

just

pushing

you

to

stay

longer

'cause

she

wants

us

to

housesit

for

you

guys

Yeah

thank

you

I

was

going

to

ask

her

when

she

was

drunk

 

Actually

that's

a

great

idea

 

Yes

Come

on

Kip

Let's

get

out

of

here

before

Sara

changes

Lars'

mind

 

 

No

it's

I've

just

got

a

very

detailed

schedule

and

my

patients

are

important

too

I

don't

like

changing

the

dates

at

the

last

minute

You

know

what

I

mean

Excuse

me

I'm

sorry

But

I

really

need

you

to

approve

these

Tshirt

designs

for

Australia

 

Oh

no

problem

 

You

don't

mind

do

you

 

 

She

don't

mind

That's

chamomile

for

you

ladies

Nice

and

hot

 

 

But

Eve

Sara

it

was

a

movie

poster

It's

no

big

deal

It's

peculiar

though

right

Don't

you

think

Look

I

thought

you

were

through

with

all

this

New

Age

bullshit

like

horoscopes

and

fengshui

and

all

that

crap

Eve

for

someone

who

owns

a

New

Age

store

you

are

alarmingly

earthbound

Oh

yeah

And

for

a

shrinkintraining

you

are

a

little

bit

crazy

I'll

tell

you

that

much

WOMAN:

Excuse

me

Do

you

carry

the

Casanova

candle

Yes

As

a

matter

of

fact

we

do

You

know

what

Check

on

the

shelf

across

from

the

Caligula

incense

And

they're

on

sale

so

today's

your

lucky

day

Great

You

see

that

Is

what

happens

when

people

get

hooked

on

the

New

Age

life

They

end

up

sitting

at

home

burning

candles

for

Mr

Right

when

Mr

Good

Enough

For

Right

Now

is

waiting

at

the

corner

bar

 

[giggling]

 

Hi

Oh

yeah

She's

a

pain

in

the

ass

 

 

I've

been

here

three

years

 

 

Yeah

I

understand

But

your

computer

your

computer

system

has

been

here

for

a

long

time

I

think

I

think

you're

just

wasting

my

time

sir

 

No

no

Here's

the

thing

 

There's

nothing

I

can

do

 

It's

very

crucial

 

You

cannot

come

over

to

this

side

of

the

counter

 

Please

don't

cross

this

line

 

 

 

We're

off

to

a

bad

start

here

All

I

really

need

if

you

could

is

just

if

you

could

enter

this

account

number

in

the

computer

and

just

tell

me

her

name

Oh

I

see

When

you

put

it

that

way

No

All

right

Would

bucks

help

It

might

if

I

was

a

health

inspector

Listen

this

is

really

important

Oh

boy

did

it

again

Crossed

the

line

You

have

to

remain

on

the

other

side

of

the

register

I

don't

wanna

say

it

again

Remain

on

that

side

Thank

you

Let's

bottomline

this

huh

What's

it

gonna

take

I

have

to

have

the

name

Well

I

was

a

little

short

on

my

weekly

sales

draw

 

 

I'm

just

mentioning

Okay

Um

I'm

going

to

uh

[muttering]

 

 

 

A

lovely

choice

sir

 

The

account

number

was

 

I

thought

you

said

you

were

gonna

help

with

my

weekly

draw

The

tie's

worth

$

We're

still

short

$

 

 

 

That's

extortion

 

That's

good

salesmanship

sir

 

[sighs]

What

do

I

need

Ring

it

up

 

Well

we

have

a

purple

tie

 

What

would

go

with

a

purple

tie

I

look

like

a

magician

All

right

you

horrible

little

man

I

bought

the

entire

spring

line

Okay

you

happy

Now

look

her

up

I

already

did

It

was

a

dead

account

There's

no

information

in

our

computers

 

You

give

me

that

 

Hey

chase

me

 

 

Don't

cross

the

line

 

You

crossed

the

line

 

Stop

saying

that

or

I

will

cut

you

Now

you

better

find

a

way

to

help

me

right

now

 

 

When

our

customers

apply

for

a

credit

card

the

hard

copies

go

to

our

storage

facility

in

Queens

All

you

need

is

the

account

number

which

you

already

have

and

you

can

find

her

application

However

you

need

an

employee

to

get

you

in

You

need

an

employee

to

get

you

In

Crocodile

[train

passing]

Hal

 

 

[moans]

 

 

[can

pops

open]

[sitar

playing]

[ragarock

music]

A

natural

 

 

 

No

no

no

Cut

cut

cut

 

What's

the

problem

The

problem

is

you

can't

fend

off

an

army

of

bloodthirsty

Vikings

with

a

shehnai

 

It's

illogical

 

No

see

no

no

See

you're

lulling

them

into

submission

with

the

music

That's

the

whole

point

of

the

song

really

Mystic

Surrender

You

don't

think

he

looks

like

he

hates

the

music

No

Hey

[song

continues]

Hey

baby

Now

this

guy

he'she's

like

Alec

Guinness

So

good

Star

Wars

Obiwan

All

right

right

here

what

are

they

doing

What's

their

attitude

What

are

they

thinking

Who

are

these

people

I

tell

you

they're

in

awe

and

they're

speechless

And

they're

just

grateful

and

underfed

Underpaid

[chuckles]

Why

don't

they

ask

me

to

stay

in

the

village

and

have

a

feast

 

Yeah

Sara

hey

 

 

 

Okay

yeah

I'm

going

to

split

guys

Lars

I'll

tell

you

what

I'm

gonna

talk

to

the

director

and

I'm

gonna

have

him

tweak

that

whole

section

 

It'll

be

fine

It'll

be

fine

 

 

What's

going

on

 

Oh

that's

a

drag

And

I've

just

found

them

in

the

freezer

I

don't

get

it

Is

that

a

joke

No

Lars

it's

not

a

joke

I

feel

like

I'm

losing

my

mind

It's

the

wedding

plans

and

the

tour

and

my

patients

It's

just

a

bit

too

much

to

deal

with

Okay

Sara

look

We're

leaving

for

Toronto

in

the

morning

 

so

don't

fall

apart

on

me

now

 

I

know

I

know

I

know

I

know

And

that's

why

I

think

I

need

a

little

break

What

do

you

mean

a

little

break

No

not

that

kind

of

little

break

I

just

mean

a

weekend

away

to

recharge

my

batteries

and

clear

my

head

Hey

this

has

nothing

to

do

with

the

other

night

I

just

need

this

I

need

it

for

me

But

I

won't

go

unless

you

say

It's

okay

 

It's

okay

 

Okay

Where

are

you

going

Where

are

you

going

Oh

I

don't

know

New

York

maybe

 

 

Oh

my

God

[gasps]

Are

you

serious

Get

out

of

town

Yeah

that's

the

idea

 

 

This

is

unbelievable

Oh

my

God

Sara

really

this

is

way

too

generous

of

you

Oh

come

on

Can't

a

girl

do

something

nice

for

her

friend

on

her

birthday

And

there's

no

ulterior

motives

Well

yeah

I'm

getting

married

in

a

week

and

I'd

just

like

to

have

one

last

fling

with

my

best

friend

before

I

walk

down

the

aisle

It's

so

sweet

But

you

know

you're

really

not

my

type

 

Oh

thanks

 

[laughs]

 

We're

going

to

New

York

 

Yeah

Yay

#

I

want

you

to

get

together

#

#

I

want

you

to

get

together

#

#

I

want

you

to

get

together

#

#

Put

your

hands

together

one

time

#

#

I

want

you

to

get

together

#

#

I

want

you

to

get

together

#

Hey

Excuse

me

 

 

Because

you're

freaking

me

out

all

right

 

 

Oh

Excusezmoi

 

 

Well

my

sales

clerk

friend

I

happen

to

write

for

a

little

publication

Maybe

you've

heard

of

it

It's

called

the

New

York

Times

 

 

[cell

phone

ringing]

[ring]

[ring

beep]

Hello

Who

Dean

And

who

may

I

say

is

calling

Uhhuh

Hang

on

Your

editor

Hi

No

Didn't

get

Didn't

get

a

chance

to

write

that

one

Uh

Didn't

Didn't

write

that

one

either

Uh

with

all

due

respect

sir

they'll

all

still

be

dead

tomorrow

Okay

Thank

you

Byebye

 

 

 

 

Uhhuh

I'm

the

one

with

the

last

word

 

 

Yes

I

am

 

I

don't

think

so

 

 

 

 

 

Yeah

right

here

[Jonathan

yelling]

I

don't

know

I

don't

know

My

eyes

are

killing

me

My

eyes

are

killing

me

Tell

me

these

numbers

match

Here

I'll

tell

you

 

 

Don't

do

that

 

Ahah

 

Is

it

 

 

Congratulations

 

 

 

Too

bad

the

last

name's

completely

smudged

out

though

Well

it's

his

fault

It

was

his

thumb

When

he

grabbed

it

his

thumb

went

right

across

the

right

across

the

name

Completely

I'm

kidding

It

was

smudged

in

my

hand

 

 

It's

just

a

little

joke

That's

carbon

paper

for

you

I

guess

that's

why

America

rejected

it

What's

that

address

Is

that

her

address

That's

seven

years

ago

man

So

go

to

the

building

leasing

office

and

you'll

find

out

who

lived

there

seven

years

ago

It

ain't

rocket

science

Thank

you

WOMAN

ON

P

A:

The

white

zone

is

for

the

immediate

loading

and

unloading

of

passengers

only

No

parking

 

 

 

 

Yeah

where

are

we

going

Uh

okay

take

us

 

anywhere

in

New

York

 

Anywhere

Wherever

you

feel

like

going

 

That's

not

a

destination

lady

 

Wait

You

didn't

make

reservations

 

Um

okay

Eve

please

don't

get

mad

at

me

 

Oh

no

I

cannot

believe

this

I

need

a

borough

here

ladies

Look

I

was

gonna

tell

you

when

we

got

on

the

plane

You

know

what

That's

really

sneaky

of

you

Sara

 

I'm

not

a

bloody

psychic

 

Eve

wait

Wait

Hold

on

one

second

 

Eve

Eve

 

I

knew

you

wouldn't

come

if

I

told

you

the

truth

And

I

needed

my

best

friend

with

me

What

are

you

doing

Sara

Honestly

Sara

I

don't

understand

you

anymore

okay

Please

tell

me

something

Tell

me

anything

that

makes

just

a

little

bit

of

sense

I've

just

spent

the

entire

flight

staring

into

the

sky

thinking

Not

about

my

fiancй

but

about

this

mystery

guy

I

met

a

million

and

a

half

hours

ago

A

guy

I

don't

even

remember

except

for

this

vague

picture

I

have

inside

my

head

It

was

just

a

few

seconds

A

fragment

really

And

it

was

like

in

that

moment

the

whole

universe

existed

just

to

bring

us

together

That's

why

I'm

here

That's

why

I'm

gonna

let

fate

take

me

wherever

it

wants

to

go

Because

when

all

this

is

over

at

least

I'm

never

gonna

have

to

think

of

him

ever

again

Let's

just

pray

he's

a

bald

fascist

who

picks

his

nose

and

wipes

it

under

the

car

seat

 

 

Could

you

hold

on

Where

ya

goin'

You

better

be

buying

me

one

friggin'

big

birthday

cake

that's

all

I

gotta

say

Could

I

get

your

destination

please

 

The

Waldorf

I

guess

 

Okay

we

are

going

that

way

And

I'm

gonna

follow

you

Come

on

you

can

do

it

yourself

Just

open

up

the

computer

and

look

into

it

I'm

not

even

sure

that

I

can

give

you

this

information

Yes

you

can

Why

can't

you

Because

I'm

just

a

temp

okay

I

don't

know

the

rules

Couple

of

months

out

of

college

you're

acting

like

you're

part

of

the

establishment

No

no

no

no

no

What

about

privacy

law

huh

Forget

about

privacy

laws

You

know

what

privacy

laws

do

 

 

Do

you

know

who

those

millionaires

are

 

 

 

 

Pimplefaced

college

dropouts

who

have

made

unhealthy

sums

of

money

forming

Internet

companies

that

create

no

concrete

products

provide

no

viable

services

and

still

manage

to

generate

profits

for

all

of

its

lazy

daytrading

sonofabitch

shareholders

Meanwhile

as

a

tortured

member

of

the

disenfranchised

proletariat

you

tind

some

altruistic

need

to

protect

these

digital

plantation

owners

Wow

Come

on

#

Put

your

hands

together

one

time

#

Come

on

 

You

guys

want

the

tenant

on

record

in

 

 

December

to

be

exact

 

There's

your

tenant

 

No

Mignon

It's

French

No

we're

looking

for

someone

named

Sara

in

that

apartment

You

got

the

right

one

Maybe

he

was

her

boyfriend

Thanks

Hey

you

did

the

right

thing

Really

you

did

Good

work

pal

You

got

it

Mignon

You

got

it

There

you

go

Thank

you

so

much

Sally

You

gotta

love

her

 

 

 

[dog

barks]

 

Okay

let's

uh

 

Let's

grab

a

subway

 

Aren't

you

forgetting

about

something

 

Uh

what

 

 

 

 

 

[barks]

Okay

uh

[gasps]

Prada

Oh

my

God

Ooh

Prada

[gasps]

Ooh

I

love

this

stuff

 

That's

$

 

bucks

Eve

that's

a

horrific

knockoff

At

least

my

fake

says

Prada

Yours

says

Prado

Yeah

Well

I

say

for

a

dollar

I

can

buy

a

little

magic

marker

and

fix

that

I'll

take

it

bucks

Right

back

here

Here

you

go

Two

buckets

of

balls

for

the

price

of

one

at

the

Chelsea

Piers

today

 

 

I

don't

know

 

Lady

lady

you're

a

golfer

 

 

 

Right

where

I'm

standing

Hey

Who

are

you

Can

you

believe

that

Two

bucket

of

Whoa

Will

you

help

me

up

ma'am

Yeah

yeah

help

me

up

 

Oh

my

God

Are

you

okay

 

Yeah

the

back

of

the

head

Is

that

all

right

Oh

my

Goodness

gracious

I'm

all

right

Thank

you

Can

you

get

the

flyers

 

 

 

It's

a

signal

 

 

Taxi

 

Sara

They

should

make

pills

for

this

He's

gotta

be

here

He's

got

to

be

here

I

can

feel

it

 

 

 

You're

blocking

my

shot

 

Oh

Sorry

This

is

Nick

Roberts

ESPN

News

New

York

City

 

Oh

 

Guys

who

are

too

fat

to

play

tennis

Like

that

guy

MAN

#:

Well

this

is

a

special

occasion

After

all

how

many

times

in

your

life

is

your

son

gonna

get

married

MAN

#:

Well

said

You

wanna

know

why

I

love

this

game

 

 

I'll

tell

ya

You

can

take

years

off

from

playing

and

still

come

back

strong

Well

me

I

haven't

played

in

over

five

years

You're

kidding

 

Ow

 

Ooh

 

 

I'm

okay

Sorry

up

there

 

Eve

look

out

 

 

Oh

 

Oh

my

God

I'm

so

sorry

I'm

so

sorr

Are

you

okay

SARA:

Please

say

something

Say

something

EVE:

I

think

I

swallowed

a

filling

Thank

you

for

letting

us

in

Now

Mr

Mignon

we

have

an

odd

and

somewhat

personal

question

to

ask

you

Mignon

Mr

Mignon

Mignon

Like

the

meat

Mr

Mignon

a

few

years

ago

did

you

live

with

a

girl

first

name

Sara

Attractive

dark

hair

kind

of

like

mysterious

you

know

really

amazing

girl

Oui

Do

you

know

where

we

can

locate

this

individual

No

I

do

not

 

 

Oh

come

on

You

don't

even

remember

the

last

name

of

your

exgirlfriend

I

mean

I

find

that

hard

to

believe

[scoffs]

You

don't

understand

anything

She

was

not

my

girlfriend

She

was

just

uh

a

roommate

She

stayed

with

me

for

a

very

short

period

of

time

 

 

A

roommate

finder's

service

Oui

oui

oui

She

stayed

with

me

with

her

boyfriend

for

a

few

months

 

I

don't

care

about

him

 

And

at

the

end

of

the

year

she

moved

out

too

That's

it

Yeah

but

did

she

leave

anything

behind

maybe

with

her

last

name

on

it

like

a

receipt

a

bill

 

 

No

No

no

Anything

would

help

really

Anything

I

remember

she

sat

on

me

She

She

sat

on

you

Yes

She

sat

on

me

for

a

while

I

found

her

inspiring

I

guess

this

is

why

I

started

painting

her

in

the

first

place

Oh

She

sat

for

you

I'm

sorry

That

is

what

I

said

 

That's

what

he

said

 

 

That's

what

I

said

 

Do

you

happen

to

have

the

painting

Hey

now

you're

gonna

see

what

it's

all

about

You

know

you

see

her

face

Okay

Yeah

This

is

her

yes

Yeah

sure

Around

the

eyes

a

little

I

mean

I'm

definitely

getting

the

British

thing

you

know

with

the

crown

and

the

scepter

Do

you

have

a

name

for

the

roommate

finder's

service

 

 

 

 

No

I

do

not

But

if

it

helps

I

do

remember

where

the

service

was

located

 

Absolutely

 

 

 

Where

in

Manhattan

Mr

Mignon

On

th

Street

 

 

on

the

left

of

that

splendid

little

patisserie

Serendipity

That's

it

[police

siren

in

distance]

Get

Get

ready

Happy

birthday

It's

on

the

house

Thank

you

Thanks

[laughs]

Oh

I'm

a

godawful

friend

 

No

you

will

be

if

you

sing

 

[laughs]

Eve

thanks

so

much

for

coming

with

me

You're

welcome

Sara

you

know

it's

a

wonderful

thought

The

idea

that

all

of

life

that

every

single

event

is

all

part

of

some

master

plan

designed

to

lead

us

to

our

universal

soul

mate

But

if

that's

really

true

then

what's

the

point

of

living

Or

making

decisions

Hell

why

should

we

even

get

out

of

bed

in

the

morning

For

the

cake

No

Not

for

the

cake

So

that

you

make

mistakes

Mistakes

like

this

trip

And

if

you're

smart

enough

you

learn

from

your

mistakes

You

figure

it

out

You

You

think

You

You

realize

that

life

isn't

some

elaborate

stage

play

with

directions

for

the

actors

Life's

a

mess

Sara

It's

It's

chaos

personified

I

have

to

give

it

all

up

now

don't

I

Sara

you

have

a

fiancй

who

despite

his

weird

Eastern

music

which

we

hope

is

just

a

phase

let's

hope

loves

you

very

very

very

much

It's

not

giving

up

It's

growing

up

[sighs]

Let's

get

out

of

here

Yeah

 

Here's

one

 

Ooh

catch

it

 

It's

a

bridal

shop

 

Oh

my

God

The

irony

Wait

right

here

I'll

be

right

back

 

 

 

Time

please

 

Uh

about

:

Right

Right

They

moved

downtown

If

we

get

lucky

with

traffic

we

can

still

hit

it

 

 

Can't

do

it

 

Taxi

 

It's

over

man

What

 

 

Bless

the

goddamn

bride

 

 

It

can't

get

any

more

clearer

than

this

I'm

not

supposed

to

be

doing

this

It's

not

in

the

cards

It's

just

Hey

it's

another

one

of

your

clues

man

Let's

talk

about

it

in

the

cab

on

the

way

over

Let's

go

It's

not

a

clue

It's

a

sign

Well

what's

the

difference

A

clue

is

what

a

detective

uses

to

find

a

suspect

The

receipt

the

warehouse

that

French

guy

 

 

Me

never

finding

the

book

that's

a

sign

Sara

never

finding

the

$

bill

that's

a

sign

How

could

something

not

happening

be

a

sign

Maybe

the

absence

of

signs

is

a

sign

Isn't

it

That's

lucid

Look

I

don't

know

man

Maybe

there

is

no

fate

And

if

there

is

it's

not

working

for

me

You

know

it's

not

actually

supposed

to

end

this

way

by

the

way

We're

supposed

to

pull

the

curtain

and

see

the

wizard

all

right

 

 

My

wedding

rehearsal

starts

in

less

than

an

hour

My

bride

is

waiting

for

me

Let

me

Let

me

ask

you

something

here

okay

If

Sara

were

here

right

now

poof

came

down

what

would

she

tell

you

to

do

She

would

tell

me

to

run

not

walk

to

the

Waldorf

because

all

the

signs

point

to

me

getting

married

Look

Wedding

dress

Lots

of

white

Okay

I

hate

to

state

the

obvious

 

 

If

you

don't

do

this

you

may

never

find

out

who

Sara

is

Maybe

I

was

never

supposed

to

Maybe

all

this

is

just

a

maze

designed

to

lead

me

directly

back

to

where

I

started

Which

Is

getting

married

They

should

make

pills

for

this

[elevator

bell

dings]

 

 

Oh

my

God

Eve

What

a

crazy

coincidence

How

are

you

 

 

Oh

my

God

Sara

can

you

believe

that

I

was

Halley's

RA

in

college

Isn't

that

funny

Oh

I'm

sorry

This

is

Sara

 

 

Oh

my

gosh

What's

it

been

like

eight

or

nine

years

or

something

Eve

was

uh

I

went

to

BU

with

Eve

 

Well

isn't

that

wonderful

 

So

what

are

you

doing

here

 

I'm

getting

married

tomorrow

 

 

 

 

 

Wow

 

 

Yeah

at

noon

We're

actually

going

to

rehearsal

 

Why

don't

you

come

watch

 

Why

don't

you

go

Okay

sure

I

would

love

to

come

and

watch

And

you

can

bring

your

partner

if

you

want

 

Oh

 

Oh

[laughs]

No

no

I

have

to

go

upstairs

and

call

my

fiancй

 

who's

a

man

[laughs]

 

 

Okay

so

have

a

good

one

 

 

I'll

see

you

later

 

Okay

good

Okay

bye

Goodbye

my

sweet

lesbian

lady

lover

I'm

just

kidding

It's

a

joke

between

us

Lars

What

are

you

doing

How

did

you

know

where

I

was

 

 

No

I

went

through

the

New

York

hotel

guide

Alphabetically

in

reverse

I

started

with

"Z"

Sara

I

missed

you

so

much

I'm

sorry

I

don't

blame

you

for

running

away

I

was

so

focused

on

the

album

the

video

I

Jonathan

take

you

Halley

to

be

my

wife

and

I

promise

to

love

and

sustain

you

in

the

bonds

of

marriage

from

this

day

forward

[dialogue

fades

out]

And

obviously

Jonathan

you'll

be

looking

at

Halley

[laughter]

And

that's

when

the

actual

ceremony

will

conclude

 

 

Well

look

I

need

some

help

over

here

And

then

then

you're

married

 

Hal

who's

that

girl

over

there

 

 

Oh

that's

my

old

friend

Eve

 

WOMAN:

Okay

everyone

that's

a

wrap

And

now

make

sure

to

be

here

tomorrow

morning

at

:

sharp

for

pictures

Yes

yes

I

hate

to

break

up

a

good

thing

but

we

have

half

a

dozen

strippers

waiting

for

us

We're

late

 

You

mean

"exotic

dancers"

 

No

no

I

actually

mean

"strippers"

 

 

Listen

I'll

see

you

men

at

:

But

remember

I

promised

Judy

I'd

be

home

by

:

Fantastic

Mr

McKinley

It

gives

you

an

hour

to

get

crazy

 

Okay

let's

get

into

it

 

WOMAN:

Hello

darling

Uh

Dean

before

you

take

Jon

and

Dad

off

to

your

malebonding

ritual

I

need

to

talk

to

him

Okay

Beautiful

bride

I'll

be

in

the

cab

 

 

Hi

It's

so

nice

to

meet

you

I

would

love

for

you

to

come

tomorrow

 

We'd

feel

terrible

if

you

didn't

 

 

 

That's

so

sweet

And

it's

tomorrow

at

noon

Yeah

and

you

can

bring

your

friend

if

you

want

 

 

Wow

I'll

be

there

Thank

you

That's

so

nice

 

 

Okay

bye

Bye

See

you

 

Halley

what

is

it

What's

wrong

 

It's

you

What

do

you

mean

it's

me

What

did

I

do

Nothing

exactly

It's

just

this

feeling

I

have

like

like

you've

been

somewhere

else

for

the

past

few

days

 

That's

not

true

 

Don't

lie

to

me

Jonathan

I've

dreamed

about

this

my

entire

life

and

and

I've

imagined

the

dress

and

the

flowers

and

even

the

music

the

band

was

gonna

play

And

everything

is

exactly

the

way

I

want

it

except

for

my

fiancй

who's

just

decided

to

float

off

to

NeverNever

Land

Look

maybe

I've

been

a

little

bit

out

of

it

the

past

week

but

it's

just

normal

you

know

guy

stuff

It's

a

little

cold

feet

Doesn't

mean

I

don't

love

you

Well

call

me

crazy

but

I'd

like

my

fiancй's

feet

to

be

warm

especially

when

we're

hours

from

going

down

the

aisle

I'm

sorry

Hal

Really

I

am

Whatever

it

is

that

you're

holding

on

to

please

just

let

it

go

Please

I

think

it

already

let

go

of

me

okay

Wait

Wait

one

second

 

What's

this

 

It's

the

traditional

groom's

gift

I

got

yours

and

I

forgot

to

bring

it

I

know

It's

okay

Open

it

It's

a

first

edition

It's

just

that

every

time

we

go

into

a

bookstore

you're

always

flipping

through

it

And

I

checked

this

week

You

don't

even

have

a

copy

What's

wrong

Don't

you

like

it

It's

perfect

It's

an

excellent

choice

#

When

you

know

#

#

That

you

know

#

#

Who

you

love

#

#

You

can't

deny

it

#

What's

going

on

Are

you

all

right

 

Her

name's

Sara

Thomas

 

How

did

Halley

gave

It

to

me

as

a

wedding

gift

#

Never

let

him

go

#

#

'Cause

you

know

#

#

And

you

know

#

[touchtone

dialing]

#

That

you

know

#

Sally

#

When

you

feel

#

It's

Dean

from

Obits

Hey

Uh

I

need

an

address

for

a

Sara

Thomas

Sara

Thomas

Uh

I

got

an

old

phone

number

#

Of

your

heart

#

Yeah

we'll

hold

#

You

can

wait

#

LARS:

Hang

on

Sir

can

you

pull

this

thing

over

I

can't

hear

a

thing

Honey

just

one

second

Okay

go

What

What

#

Once

you

come

this

close

#

We

have

to

cancel

Dusseldorf

Why

We

have

to

cancel

Stockholm

#

That

you

know

#

#

You

can

feel

love's

around

you

#

#

Like

the

sky

round

the

moon

#

#

This

is

how

love

has

found

you

#

#

Now

you

know

what

to

do

#

#

When

you

know

#

Oh

Look

at

those

stars

They

all

have

names

you

know

I

don't

know

what

that

is

It's

Cassiopeia

The

stars

in

the

sky

It's

It's

Cassiopeia

You

realize

with

the

time

delay

if

our

return

flight

takes

off

more

than

ten

minutes

late

I

miss

my

own

wedding

okay

Does

that

bother

you

in

the

slightest

You

are

a

jackass

 

Well

thank

you

 

YYYou're

my

hero

you

know

You're

like

my

oracle

and

shit

you

know

You're

out

there

man

and

you're

making

it

happen

Courtney

moved

out

 

 

Yeah

It's

Look

man

[sighs]

We'd

been

fighting

for

a

really

long

time

 

Why

didn't

you

tell

me

 

We

didn't

want

to

ruin

your

wedding

man

It

would

just

Didn't

want

to

rain

on

your

parade

man

What

the

What

the

hell

happened

We

just

We

let

it

slip

away

you

know

That's

the

point

It

You

know

it

died

 

 

Not

enough

of

all

of

this

of

this

of

this

And

not

enough

you

know

Do

you

[sighs]

Do

you

remember

the

philosopher

Epictetus

 

 

No

of

course

not

He

said

"If

you

want

to

improve

be

content

to

be

thought

foolish

and

stupid"

That's

what

you've

done

 

 

You

know

You're

the

shit

That

would

be

me

the

shit

DEAN:

Yeah

He's

the

shit

Okay

[soft

rock

music

playing]

#

If

that's

the

thing

that

you

feel

#

#

If

we'll

always

be

like

this

#

You

know

what

old

buddy

On

second

thought

maybe

you

should

call

first

 

 

Give

her

a

ring

It's

more

polite

that

way

Calling

her

gives

her

a

chance

to

clean

up

you

know

I

don't

care

how

clean

her

house

Is

 

 

 

You

told

me

to

go

You

said

I

was

your

hero

 

I

forbid

you

to

look

You

can't

look

Why

are

you

Van

Gundy

 

I

don't

want

you

to

get

hurt

Don't

get

hurt

 

I

won't

get

hurt

 

Listen

don't

get

hurt

 

You're

hurting

me

Oof

 

 

[sighs]

Didn't

Didn't

she

say

that

everything

happens

for

a

reason

 

Yeah

she

did

 

Well

maybe

we're

laying

here

because

Because

why

Because

you

don't

want

to

be

standing

somewhere

else

I

see

Yeah

We're

crawling

We're

crawling

Ladies

and

gentlemen

this

is

the

captain

speaking

I'm

sorry

to

report

that

we're

gonna

be

on

the

ground

a

little

longer

due

to

some

bad

weather

heading

this

way

The

air

traffic

controller

has

put

us

on

hold

so

in

the

meantime

I've

asked

the

cabin

attendants

to

start

the

movie

 

Hey

you

getting

ready

 

You

know

me

I

love

a

good

wedding

 

 

We

spoke

this

morning

before

he

left

I

think

he's

gonna

be

okay

At

least

I

hope

so

You

know

of

course

he's

gonna

be

okay

and

I

gotta

tell

you

something

you're

gonna

be

okay

too

Yeah

Oh

you

know

what

Um

there's

a

lady

glaring

at

me

I

don't

think

I'm

supposed

to

be

on

the

phone

Um

can

I

call

you

when

I

get

home

Have

a

safe

flight

okay

 

 

 

Yes

I

will

 

$

please

What

the

hell

is

this

Something

the

matter

Yes

I

think

I've

mixed

up

my

wallet

with

my

friend's

Yes

I

have

See

Prado

Oh

Well

is

there

any

money

in

it

I'll

have

a

look

Yes

there

is

Thank

you

Two

ones

and

a

five

 

Thank

you

very

much

sir

 

 

Uh

sorry

Excuse

me

 

That's

the

gentleman's

change

 

 

Jonathan

Sorry

You

know

what

I'm

gonna

Thank

you

Excuse

me

Sorry

Whoo

I'm

sorry

Hi

Yeah

It's

in

New

York

City

Um

I

need

the

address

of

a

Jonathan

Trager

Yeah

Trager

 

Charles

Street

Thank

you

 

Charles

Street

Okay

Hi

 

Can

I

help

you

ma'am

 

I'm

looking

for

a

Jonathan

Trager

Is

this

his

building

You

must

be

late

Late

for

what

The

wedding

WaldorfAstoria

 

He's

getting

married

 

Wait

Hey

wait

Wait

 

[tires

screech]

 

Excuse

me

Sorry

Can

you

take

me

to

the

WaldorfAstoria

as

fast

as

you

can

go

please

Can

you

see

what

it

is

Oh

Sorry

Sorry

Oh

Oh

please

God

no

Stop

Stop

Is

it

over

 

 

Oh

yeah

It's

over

all

right

But

don't

worry

You'll

get

your

present

back

 

 

You

asked

If

it

was

over

The

truth

is

it

never

even

began

What

Yeah

he

called

the

whole

thing

off

this

morning

He

called

it

off

[stifling

tears

sniffling]

That's

terrible

Were

you

a

friend

of

the

bride

or

the

groom

[bell

tolling]

 

What's

up

with

this

weather

huh

 

Yeah

what

happened

to

spring

DEAN:

So

all

right

let's

get

into

it

What

kind

of

pep

talk

do

you

want

What

do

you

got

Well

I've

got

the

inspirational

"You

can

achieve

anything

you

dream

about"

It's

very

popular

but

not

appropriate

for

this

Of

course

there's

the

"Don't

worry

There's

more

fish

in

the

sea"

pap

No

Uh

we

can

always

fall

back

on

the

classic

"When

God

shuts

a

door

he

opens

a

window"

How

about

telling

me

I

did

the

right

thing

I

don't

have

to

tell

you

I

wrote

it

 

What's

this

 

It's

your

obituary

Nice

Turns

out

I

had

writer's

block

penning

your

best

man

speech

and

that's

what

ended

up

coming

out

Blame

it

on

the

day

job

 

right

 

You

going

to

see

Courtney

Absolutely

I

needed

this

[sighs]

You

know

the

Greeks

didn't

write

obituaries

They

only

asked

one

question

after

a

man

died:

Did

he

have

passion

How

do

I

look

Like

a

jackass

 

Good

luck

man

 

DEAN:

Jonathan

Trager

prominent

television

producer

for

ESPN

died

last

night

from

complications

of

losing

his

soul

mate

and

his

fiancйe

He

was

years

old

and

softspoken

and

obsessive

Trager

never

looked

the

part

of

a

hopeless

romantic

But

in

the

final

days

of

his

life

he

revealed

an

unknown

side

of

his

psyche

This

hidden

quasiJungian

persona

surfaced

during

the

Agatha

Christielike

pursuit

for

his

longreputed

soul

mate

a

woman

whom

he

only

spent

a

few

precious

hours

with

Sadly

the

protracted

search

ended

late

Saturday

night

In

complete

and

utter

failure

Yet

even

in

certain

defeat

the

courageous

Trager

secretly

clung

to

the

belief

that

life

Is

not

merely

a

series

of

meaningless

accidents

or

coincidences

Uhuh

But

rather

it's

a

tapestry

of

events

that

culminate

in

an

exquisite

sublime

plan

Asked

about

the

loss

of

his

dear

friend

Dean

Kansky

the

Pulitzer

Prizewinning

author

and

executive

editor

of

the

New

York

Times

described

Jonathan

as

a

changed

man

in

the

last

days

of

his

life

Things

were

clearer

for

him

Kansky

noted

Ultimately

Jonathan

concluded

that

if

we

are

to

live

life

in

harmony

with

the

universe

we

must

all

possess

a

powerful

faith

in

what

the

ancients

used

to

call

fatum

what

we

currently

refer

to

 

as

destiny

 

So

what

are

you

gonna

do

I

don't

know

I

guess

I'm

just

gonna

try

and

find

him

or

something

Oh

you

know

what

I

don't

think

you

should

do

that

I

really

don't

 

Well

what

do

you

think

I

should

do

 

I

feel

it

I

feel

it

In

the

air

Eve

what's

happened

to

you

You've

become

your

own

worst

nightmare

right

there

Bye

But

please

put

a

jacket

on

It's

freezing

out

here

[bell

tolling]

#

I

never

felt

magic

crazy

as

this

#

#

I

never

saw

moons

knew

the

meaning

of

the

sea

#

#

I

never

held

emotion

in

the

palm

of

my

hand

#

#

Or

felt

sweet

breezes

in

the

top

of

a

tree

#

#

But

now

you're

here

#

#

Brighten

my

northern

sky

#

I'm

Jon

I'm

Sara

#

I've

been

a

long

time

that

I'm

waiting

#

#

I've

been

a

long

time

that

I'm

blown

#

#

I've

been

a

long

time

that

I've

wandered

#

#

Through

the

people

I

have

known

#

#

Oh

if

you

would

and

you

could

#

#

Straighten

my

new

mind's

eye

#

#

Would

you

love

me

for

my

money

#

#

Or

would

you

love

me

for

my

head

#

Happy

anniversary

When

did

you

get

to

be

so

unabashedly

romantic

I

think

it's

good

luck

we

return

each

year

to

the

scene

of

the

crime

 

 

Oh

I

don't

think

so

No

beverages

on

the

premises

 

I'm

gonna

have

to

ask

you

to

leave

 

Hey

how

you

doing

 

Don't

you

remember

me

 

Yes

I

do

 

 

 

 

 

 

If

you're

not

gonna

purchase

anything

please

make

room

for

paying

customers

We

do

We

want

some

gloves

 

 

[bell

ringing]

Oh

I'm

sorry

That'll

be

the

closing

bell

 

 

Oh

you're

not

serious

 

 

Store

hours

:

to

:

 

 

at

the

discretion

of

the

management

or

the

possible

exception

of

visiting

dignitaries

Oh

no

no

no

Don't

please

please

On

the

other

side

of

the

counter

You

cannot

come

back

here

This

is

for

authorized

personnel

only

Please

remain

on

the

other

side

of

the

counter

Thank

you

very

much

#

Yeah

from

Coney

Island

to

the

Sunset

Strip

#

#

Somebody's

gonna

make

a

happy

trip

#

#

Tonight

#

#

While

the

moon

is

bright

#

#

He's

gonna

have

a

bag

of

crazy

toys

#

#

To

give

the

grownies

of

the

girls

and

boys

#

#

So

dig

#

#

Santa

comes

on

big

#

#

Come

acallin'

when

it

snows

the

most

#

#

Cats

are

sleepin'

warm

as

toast

#

#

And

you're

gonna

flip

when

Old

Saint

Nick

#

#

Plays

a

lick

on

a

peppermint

stick

#

#

He'll

come

aflyin'

from

the

higher

place

#

#

Fill

the

stockings

by

the

fireplace

#

#

So

you'll

#

#

Have

a

Yule

that's

cool

#

#

Have

a

Yule

that's

cool

#

Yeah

a

cool

Yule

[laughs]

[new

song

begins]

#

The

sky

has

lost

its

color

#

#

The

sun

has

turned

to

gray

#

#

At

least

that's

how

it

feels

to

me

#

#

Whenever

you're

away

#

#

I

crawl

up

in

a

corner

#

#

To

watch

the

minutes

pass

#

#

One

second

one

minute

one

hour

#

#

Each

one

brings

me

closer

to

#

#

The

time

you're

comin'

back

#

#

I

can't

take

the

distance

#

#

I

can't

take

the

miles

#

#

I

can't

take

the

time

till

I

next

see

you

smile

#

#

I

can't

take

the

distance

#

#

and

I'm

not

ashamed

#

#

That

with

every

breath

I

take

#

#

I'm

callin'

your

name

#

#

But

I

can't

take

the

distance

#

#

and

I'm

not

ashamed

#

#

That

with

every

breath

I

take

#

#

I'm

calling

your

name

#

#

I

can't

take

the

distance

#

#

As

long

as

you're

away

#

#

Gonna

find

solace

#

#

The

distance

#

#

As

long

as

you're

away

#

#

Gonna

find

solace

#

#

I

can't

take

the

distance

anymore

#

#

Distance

#

#

As

long

as

you're

away

#

#

Gonna

find

solace

#

#

Distance

#

#

As

long

as

you're

away

#

[new

song

begins]

#

This

year

is

gonna

be

incredible

#

#

This

year

is

gonna

be

the

one

#

#

All

the

planets

are

linin'

up

for

me

#

#

This

year

I'm

gonna

have

fun

#

#

This

year

I'll

paint

my

masterpiece

#

#

This

year

I'll

be

recognized

#

#

I

can

feel

I'll

fall

in

love

for

real

#

#

This

year

this

year

#

#

January

I'll

learn

to

fly

#

#

February

love's

gonna

find

me

#

#

March

April

May

#

#

I'll

get

carried

away

#

#

Ohohoh

ohonoh

#

#

This

year

is

gonna

be

incredible

#

#

This

year

is

gonna

be

the

one

#

#

All

the

planets

are

lining

up

for

me

#

#

This

year

I'm

gonna

have

fun

#

#

I'm

gonna

have

fun

#

#

Just

watch

me

this

year

#

#

This

year

#

 

 

I

used

to

think

this

was

the

beginning

of

your

story

Memory

is

a

strange

thing

It

doesn't

work

like

I

thought

it

did

We

are

so

bound

by

time

by

its

order

Okay

Okay

Come

back

to

me

Come

back

to

me

Come

back

to

me

Stick

'em

up

Are

you

the

sheriff

in

this

here

town

These

are

my

tickle

guns

and

I'm

gonna

getcha

No

You

want

me

to

chase

you

You

better

run

 

Ah

 

Oh

I

remember

moments

in

the

middle

I

love

you

I

hate

you

And

this

was

the

end

Shhh

Come

back

to

me

You

come

back

to

me

But

now

I'm

not

so

sure

I

believe

in

beginnings

and

endings

There

are

days

that

define

your

story

beyond

your

life

Like

the

day

they

arrived

Good

morning

Morning

Where

is

everyone

Okay

Well

let's

get

started

Today

we

are

talking

about

Portuguese

and

why

it

sounds

so

different

from

the

other

Romance

languages

The

story

of

Portuguese

begins

in

the

kingdom

of

Galicia

Sorry

In

the

Middle

Ages

where

language

was

seen

as

an

expression

of

art

Any

news

you

want

to

share

Dr

Banks

can

you

turn

the

TV

to

a

news

channel

But

police

have

already

set

up

a

blockade

here

around

the

area

As

you

can

see

we've

got

just

about

as

close

as

we

can

but

unfortunately

Montana

right

now

is

on

complete

lockdown

The

object

apparently

touched

down

minutes

ago

just

north

of

I

We're

wailing

to

hear

if

this

is

perhaps

an

experimental

vessel

or

Hold

on

it

I'm

learning

that

more

objects

like

this

have

landed

in

as

many

as

eight

other

locations

around

the

world

Yes

can

we

This

is

from

a

site

in

Hokkaido

This

is

worldwide

It

is

happening

right

now

Okay

Um

I'm

sorry

Class

is

dismissed

You

are

an

idiot

You

drove

right

into

me

You

just

ruined

my

car

For

now

we're

simply

asking

for

cooperation

while

authorities

assess

the

object

So

you're

saying

it's

not

ours

Do

you

even

know

if

it's

from

Earth

We're

still

collecting

information

We're

coordinating

with

other

countries

We're

not

the

only

ones

to

have

one

of

these

in

our

backyard

If

this

is

some

son'

of

peaceful

first

contact

why

send

 

Why

not

just

one

Yeah

I

know

I

saw

that

too

Uhhuh

Uhhuh

I

don't

know

Mom

I'm

watching

the

same

news

coverage

you

are

Well

Mom

please

don't

bother

with

that

channel

How

many

times

do

I

have

to

tell

you

Those

people

are

idiots

Yeah

well

do

I

sound

nervous

Okay

Exactly

So

Um

me

Yeah

um

you

know

me

I'm

about

the

same

Mom

I'm

fine

Okay

I'll

call

you

later

Bye

And

around

eight

hours

after

landing

there

are

still

no

signs

of

what

might

be

called

"first

contact'

Now

the

objects

measure

at

least

feet

tall

Two

are

reported

to

have

penetrated

Russian

airspace

One

in

Siberia

and

the

other

off

the

coast

of

the

Black

"above

the

ocean

So

far

there

are

unidentified

objects

spread

across

the

globe

There

is

no

obvious

logic

to

their

locations

and

no

evidence

that

the

ships

are

even

occu

entertain

the

idea

that

If

it

is

a

kind

of

vessel

it

may

be

unmanned

Regardless

we

have

a

protocol

for

scenarios

like

this

After

Tuesday's

extraordinary

events

the

President

this

morning

has

declared

a

state

of

emergency

with

as

many

as

National

Guard

being

deployed

to

the

state

of

Montana

alone

Borders

are

closed

and

flights

have

been

grounded

stranding

millions

of

travelers

Panic

buying

of

gas

water

and

food

continues

to

escalate

and

federal

authorities

have

temporarily

lifted

all

caps

on

overtime

for

law

enforcement

The

ATF

has

put

a

temporary

ban

on

new

gun

licenses

forcing

many

independent

suppliers

of

hunting

equipment

and

firearms

to

close

their

doors

to

the

public

Fortyeight

hours

later

and

no

further

development

Two

days

from

the

site

of

the

UFOs

And

already

the

public

expects

us

to

know

the

answers

I'm

Colonel

GT

Weber

We

never

formally

met

but

two

years

ago

you

did

some

Farsi

translations

for

Army

Intelligence

Oh

You

made

quick

work

of

those

insurgent

videos

You

made

quick

work

of

those

insurgents

You

are

on

the

top

of

everyone's

list

when

it

comes

to

translations

And

you

have

another

two

years

in

your

SSBI

so

you

still

have

lopsecret

clearance

That's

why

I'm

in

your

office

and

not

at

Berkeley

Okay

I

have

something

I

need

you

to

translate

for

me

Why

are

you

here

Can

you

Can

you

understand

us

Where

did

you

come

from

Now

you

heard

it

What

do

you

make

of

it

Is

that

Yes

How

many

 

 

Um

how

many

um

speaking

Two

Assume

they

were

not

speaking

at

the

same

time

Are

you

sure

Did

they

have

mouths

How

would

you

approach

translating

this'

Do

you

hear

any

words

Phrases

I

don't

I

don't

know

So

what

can

you

tell

me

I

can

tell

you

that

it's

impossible

to

translate

from

an

audio

file

I

would

need

to

be

there

to

interact

with

them

You

didn't

need

that

with

the

Farsi

translations

I

didn't

need

it

because

I

already

knew

the

language

but

this

This

is

Ah

I

know

what

you're

doing

 

Tell

me

what

I'm

doing

 

I'm

not

taking

you

to

Montana

It's

all

I

can

do

to

keep

it

from

turning

into

a

tourist

site

for

everybody

who

has

a

TS

clearance

I'm

just

telling

you

what

it

would

take

to

do

this

job

This

is

not

a

negotiation

If

I

leave

here

your

chance

is

gone

Good

day

Colonel

You

mentioned

Berkeley

Are

you

going

to

ask

Danvers

next

Maybe

Before

you

commit

to

him

ask

him

the

Sanskrit

word

for

war

and

its

translation

An

agreement

on

sharing

scientific

discoveries

looks

closer

tonight

as

Russia

and

China

join

talks

at

the

United

Nations

Meanwhile

financial

markets

across

the

world

are

in

crisis

as

the

Dow

Jones

Industrial

Average

fell

over

points

Morning

Colonel

Gavisti

He

says

it

means

"an

argument"

What

do

you

say

it

means

A

desire

for

more

cows

Pack

your

bags

 

All

right

Give

me

minutes'

 

Dr

Banks

Right

this

way

please

Contact

and

ready

to

approach

Excuse

me

Dr

Banks

let

me

make

sure

you're

properly

secured

You

okay

Sorry

I

couldn't

hear

what

you

were

saying

Language

is

the

foundation

of

civilization

It

is

the

glue

that

holds

a

people

together

"R

is

me

first

weapon

drawn

in

a

conflict"

Louise

this

is

Ian

Donnelly

Louise

Banks

Ian

Donnelly

That's

quite

a

greeting

Yeah

well

you

wrote

it

Yeah

It's

the

kind

of

thing

you

write

as

a

preface

Dazzle

them

with

the

basics

Yeah

it's

great

Even

if

it's

wrung

It's

wrong

Well

the

cornerstone

of

civilization

isn't

language

it's

science

Ian

is

a

theoretical

physicist

from

Los

Alamos

You'll

be

reporting

to

me

but

you'll

be

working

with

him

when

you're

in

the

sheik

That's

what

they're

calling

the

UFO

What

do

they

wan

And

where

are

they

from

And

beyond

that

how

did

they

get

here

Are

they

capable

of

fasterthanfight

travel

We

prepared

a

list

of

questions

to

go

over

starting

with

a

series

of

handshake

binary

sequences

How

about

we

just

talk

to

them

before

we

start

throwing

math

problems

at

them

This

is

why

you're

both

here

I'll

bring

the

coffee

Coffee

with

some

aliens

I

want

you

to

take

these

two

to

Dr

Kettler

YES

sir

Follow

the

captain

to

medical

It

should

take

just

a

few

minutes

and

then

we'll

get

started

We'll

take

care

of

your

bag

I'll

lake

your

cell

phones

Cell

phones

Follow

me

Put

these

on

You're

gonna

wear

them

at

all

times

Sir

they're

here

Louise

Banks

Ian

Donnelly

When

was

the

last

time

either

of

you

have

eaten

 

 

Last

time

you

did

something

stressful

Does

now

count

Just

saying

Uh

who

was

being

carted

off

in

the

medevac

Not

everyone

is

able

to

process

experiences

like

this

I'm

gonna

get

some

blood

from

you

and

give

you

an

immunization

dose

that

covers

a

battery

of

bacterial

threats

Could

you

sign

these

please

And

roll

up

your

sleeves

Either

of

you

claustrophobic

 

 

Currently

taking

any

medications

Allergies

Pregnant

No

The

booster

is

a

kick

to

your

system

so

you

may

experience

some

side

effects

nausea

dizziness

headaches

a

ringing

in

your

ears

like

you

have

tinnitus

They

wouldn't

go

either

way

You

see

what's

happening

to

him

How

does

this

even

work

The

readings

do

not

change

but

I

don't

know

it's

like

we're

insects

on

a

piece

of

paper

and

they're

easing

us

out

of

the

house

A

exactly

minutes

and

seconds

gravity

starts

to

shift

and

slides

us

out

of

the

room

Have

you

found

a

scientific

explanation

for

it

Like

is

it

for

them

Uh

no

We

think

it's

for

us

Air

doesn't

seem

to

circulate

inside

the

chamber

so

after

about

two

hours

we

run

out

of

oxygen

It

doesn't

take

hours

to

pump

fresh

air

into

a

room

Atmosphere

Excuse

me

If

their

atmosphere

is

different

from

Earth

it

would

certainly

take

hours

to

rebalance

their

O

content

and

pressure

for

us

every

time

they

open

their

door

So

they

could

suffocate

us

if

they

wanted

This

is

Agent

Halpern

with

the

CIA

Let

me

get

you

two

to

your

stations

Yes

sir

Remember

we

need

answers

as

soon

as

possible

What

do

they

want

Where

are

they

from

Why

are

they

here

This

is

the

priority

Everyone

this

is

Dr

Ian

Donnelly

He'll

be

running

this

team

here

Have

they

responded

to

anything

Shapes

patterns

numbers

Fibonacci

We

can't

tell

what

they're

saying

when

they

respond

to

"hello"

so

Don't

get

ahead

of

yourself

What

have

you

figured

out

We're

just

getting

started

Good

morning

This

is

Dr

Louise

Banks

She'll

be

heading

your

team

It's

a

pleasure

meeting

you

Dr

Banks

is

taking

over

the

mission

from

Dr

Walker

That's

a

minute

warning

You

scubadive

before

What

kind

of

radiation

exposure

are

we

walking

into

Nominal

These

are

just

for

safety

So

is

there

any

physical

contact

with

the

um

Am

I

the

only

one

having

trouble

saying

"aliens"

There's

a

wall

Like

a

glass

wall

You

can't

get

to

them

So

what

do

they

look

like

You'll

see

soon

enough

Hurry

up

The

suits

are

clumsy

at

first

but

you

get

used

to

them

I'll

open

a

second

vehicle

We'll

be

there

in

a

few

minutes

Make

sure

you

hold

on

to

something

Copy

Condor

We

will

observe

but

not

initiate

Over

Watch

your

step

We'll

keep

Alpha

channel

open

Over

Alpha

be

advised

Humidity

increased

since

yesterday

Every

hours

the

door

opens

up

at

the

bottom

That's

where

we

go

in

Zero

movement

Alpha

detail

clear

to

proceed

Over

Copy

Condor

Beginning

our

ascent

now

Over

Ten

feet

Five

feet

Two

one

Alpha

clear

to

enter

antechamber

Moving

into

position

Thirty

feel

from

target

Suit

telemetry

now

full

strength

despite

unknown

interference

Three

two

one

%

No

known

contaminates

Over

Radio

signals

are

decreasing

%

%

Yeah

that

just

happened

All

right

let's

move

Time

is

wasting

You

ready

You

ready

Let's

do

it

Condor

I'm

proceeding

first

with

Captain

Marks

over

Gravity

nominal

in

the

antechamber

Over

It's

all

good

sir

You

can

proceed

Stand

by

Okay

bring

ii

up

Vitals

are

low

Radio

signal

strength

stable

at

%

Over

You

okay

Yeah

Dr

Banks

You

can

do

this

Come

on

I

don't

know

I

I

think

Grab

her

Donnelly

are

you

all

right

Dr

Donnelly

you

good

Dr

Donnelly

are

you

all

right

Please

respond

Over

Yeah

Holy

fuck

We're

gonna

go

down

there

and

you're

gonna

start

your

job

 

 

Okay

Everybody

move

out

Alpha

detail

is

in

position

Team

is

in

position

We're

on

the

move

Condor

Alpha's

now

in

the

nave

Setting

up

equipment

and

telemetry

Over

So

what

happens

now'

They

arrive

Dr

Banks

Dr

Banks

You

can

start

In

airlock

Do

not

stop

until

you

have

passed

the

airlock

door

Do

noi

attempt

to

remove

hazmat

suits

without

assistance

from

authorized

personnel

Hazmat

suits

without

assistance

from

authorized

personnel

Wait

Just

a

minute

Just

a

minute

Clear

 

 

Step

on

out

please

Now

hold

that

Am

I

fired

You're

better

than

the

last

guy

That

doesn't

make

me

feel

any

better

You

both

have

till

:

hours

to

figure

something

out

Okay

What

happens

then

You

go

back

in

Violence

continues

to

spread

across

the

US

today

in

the

wake

of

the

landings

The

president

has

declared

a

mandatory

dusktodawn

curfew

after

the

crackdown

by

the

National

Guard

Miler

To

prevent

a

third

night

of

footing

across

the

country

In

North

Dakota

members

of

the

Saint

Lawrence

Pentecostal

Cult

are

feared

dead

after

they

set

their

compound

ablaze

Their

website

claims

the

arrival

of

the

aliens

set

in

motion

a

prophesy

that

Uh

we're

up

in

 

You

got

any

new

intel

Yeah

we've

been

playing

back

some

of

their

sounds

Where

does

that

get

you

Well

they

play

audio

back

at

us

from

an

unseen

source

Audio

of

what

Uh

it's

bits

of

conversation

from

the

room

Random

clips

of

dialogue

Really

we

have

nothing;

Tminus

minutes

to

shell

access

Tminus

minutes

to

shell

access

Tminus

minutes

to

shell

access

Tminus

minutes

to

shell

access

What's

that

for

A

visual

aid

Look

I'm

never

gonna

be

able

to

speak

their

words

if

they

are

talking

but

they

might

have

some

sort

of

written

language

or

basis

for

visual

communication

Okay

Let's

get

started

Human

"Human"

I'm

human

What

ave

you

Human

Oh

my

God

Are

you

getting

this

Yes

sir

It's

uploading

back

is

base

camp

Louise

that's

incredible

Human

Human

Okay

slow

down

now

Slow

down

I

don't

wanna

take

away

from

your

success

in

there

but

Dr

Banks

is

this

really

the

right

approach

Trying

to

teach

them

how

to

speak

and

read

That's

gotta

take

longer

You're

wrong

It's

faster

Everything

you

do

in

there

I

have

to

explain

to

a

room

full

of

men

whose

first

and

last

question

is

How

can

this

be

used

against

us

So

you're

gonna

have

to

give

me

more

than

that

Kangaroo

What

is

that

In

 

Captain

James

Cook's

ship

ran

aground

off

the

coast

of

Australia

and

he

led

a

party

into

the

country

and

they

met

the

Aboriginal

people

One

of

the

sailors

pointed

at

the

animals

that

hop

around

and

put

their

babies

in

their

pouch

and

he

asked

what

they

were

and

the

Aborigine

said

"Kangaroo"

And

the

point

is'

It

Wasn't

till

later

that

they

learned

that

kangaroo

means

I

don't

understand

So

I

need

this

so

that

we

don't

misinterpret

things

in

there

Otherwise

this

is

gonna

take

times

as

long

I

can

sell

that

for

now

But

I

need

you

to

submit

your

vocabulary

words

before

the

next

session

Fair

And

remember

what

happened

to

the

Aborigines

A

more

advanced

race

nearly

wiped

them

out

It's

a

good

story

Thanks

It's

not

true

But

it

proves

my

point

We

think

we

were

able

to

reproduce

some

prime

number

sequences

back

at

them

So

that's

something

Well

congratulations

You're

a

parrot

It's

a

lot

more

than

that

you

cheeky

bastard

don't

you

see

They

cam

seem

to

follow

our

algebra

but

complex

behaviors

that

clicks

Well

that

doesn't

make

any

sense

at

all

does

it

Problem

is

not

everyone

shares

our

policy

of

being

open

with

the

aliens

Have

you

met

General

Shang

The

call

sign

for

him

is

Big

Domino

Whatever

Shang

does

at

least

four

other

nations

will

follow

Louise

We

have

to

gain

ground

today

Okay

 

 

You're

gonna

teach

them

your

name

and

Ian's

Yes

so

that

we

can

learn

their

names

if

they

have

names

and

then

introduce

pronouns

later

These

are

all

gradeschool

words:

eat

walk

Help

me

understand

Okay

Um

Oh

no

no

no

Not

the

top

Okay

this

is

where

you

wanna

get

to

right

 

 

So

first

we

need

to

make

sure

that

they

understand

what

a

question

is

Okay

the

nature

of

a

request

for

information

along

with

a

response

Then

we

need

to

clarify

the

difference

between

a

specific

"you"

and

a

collective

"you"

because

we

don't

wanna

know

why

Joe

Alien

is

here

we

want

to

know

why

they

all

landed

And

purpose

requires

an

understanding

of

intent

We

need

to

find

out:

do

they

make

conscious

choices

Or

is

their

motivation

so

instinctive

that

they

don't

understand

a

"why'

question

at

all

And

And

biggest

of

all

we

need

to

have

enough

vocabulary

with

them

that

we

understand

their

answer

I

get

it

Stick

to

your

list

Just

don't

add

anything

to

it

Mare

at

 

%

Over

Condor

Alpha's

now

in

the

nave

Setting

up

equipment

and

telemetry

Over

Let's

get

started

Louise

Louise

I

am

Louise

What

is

that

Is

that

a

new

symbol

I

can'

tell

I

don't

know

I

think

it's

the

symbol

for

human

again

It

just

has

a

lime

um

on

the

end

maybe

to

indicate

a

question

 

don't

know

I

don

know

Louise

I

think

they're

getting

confused

Dr

Banks

perhaps

we

should

move

on

to

the

next

word

Dr

Banks

It's

okay

What's

going

on

Hey

What

are

you

doing

Yeah

I'm

fine

Are

you

insane

They

need

to

see

me

She's

taking

off

her

hazmat

suit

Is

it

okay

You're

risking

contamination

They

need

to

see

me

Dr

Banks

Dr

Banks

She's

walking

towards

the

screen

Should

we

abort

Recourse

noted

Stand

by

for

further

orders

Go

back

to

your

stations

Now

that's

a

proper

introduction

Hey

Louise

I

am

Louise

Ian

do

you

want

to

introduce

yourself

Uh

yeah

Louise

Screw

it

Everybody

dies

right

Sir

Donnelly

is

taking

off

his

hazmat

suit

Permission

to

abort

Continue

the

session

Ian

Louise

You

Who

are

you

I

think

those

are

their

names

They

have

names

So

what

are

we

gonna

call

them

I

don't

know

I

was

thinking

Abbott

and

Costello

Yeah

 

 

Yeah

I

like

it

I

like

it

Wow

Team

exit

your

vehicle

and

proceed

directly

ahead

to

the

decontamination

tent

Leave

your

respirator

on

until

you

reach

the

equipment

room

I

know

Shhh

Team

exit

your

vehicles

and

continue

to

the

decontamination

tent

Leave

your

respirators

on

and

do

not

hesitate

until

you

have

reached

the

equipment

room

How

do

you

feel

Overworked

Well

I

guess

I

don't

need

to

tell

you

you're

putting

yourself

at

risk

There's

no

signs

of

radiation

poisoning

yet

We'll

see

how

your

blood

tests

look

For

now

I'm

gonna

give

you

another

boost

Okay

No

radiation

Nothing

else

we

can

detect

either

but

I'd

give

them

a

strong

cocktail

regardless

It's

the

first

time

we've

made

significant

progress

All

right

We'll

take

the

risk

Okay

honey

What

is

going

on

there

Honey

Just

tell

me

You

don't

need

to

worry

okay

 

How

can

I

not

worry

 

Just

calm

down

Just

calm

down

Becky

asked

me

if

the

monsters

are

going

to

kill

Daddy

Honey

it's

not

gonna

happen

Just

stay

safe

You

don't

need

to

worry

Please

I'm

so

scared

All

junior

xenolinguistics

and

science

personnel

must

observe

general

curfew

unless

expressly

authorized

for

extended

work

hours

by

unit

COs

Curfew

in

effect

as

of

hours

Notice

to

all

late

workers

fire

watchers

and

night

staff

Effective

immediately

midnight

rations

will

be

served

all

night

Here

are

some

of

the

many

things

we

don't

know

about

heptapods

Greek

Hepta

"Seven"

Pod

"Foot"

Seven

feet

Heptapod

Who

are

they

Trying

to

answer

this

in

any

meaningful

way

is

hampered

by

the

fact

that

outside

being

able

to

see

them

and

hear

them

the

heptapods

leave

absolutely

no

footprint

The

chemical

composition

of

their

spaceship

is

unknown

The

shell

emits

no

waste

no

gas

no

radiation

Assuming

that

the

shells

communicate

with

each

other

they

do

so

without

detection

The

air

between

the

shells

is

untroubled

by

sonic

emission

or

light

wave

Are

they

scientists

Or

tourists

H

they're

scientists

they

don't

seem

to

ask

a

lot

of

questions

Why

did

they

park

where

they

did

The

worlds

most

decorated

experts

can't

crack

that

one

The

most

plausible

theory

is

that

they

chose

places

on

Earth

with

the

lowest

incidence

of

lightning

strikes

But

there

are

exceptions

The

next

most

plausible

theory

is

that

Sheena

Easton

had

a

hit

song

at

each

of

these

sites

in

 

So

we

just

don'

know

How

do

they

communicate

Here

Louise

is

putting

us

all

to

shame

The

first

breakthrough

was

to

discover

that

there's

no

correlation

between

what

a

heptapod

says

and

what

a

heptapod

writes

Unlike

all

written

human

languages

their

writing

is

semasiographic

It

conveys

meaning

It

doesn't

represent

sound

Perhaps

they

view

our

form

of

writing

as

a

wasted

opportunity

passing

up

a

second

communications

channel

We

have

our

friends

in

Pakistan

to

thank

for

their

study

of

how

heptapods

write

because

unlike

speech

a

logogram

is

free

of

time

Like

their

ship

or

their

bodies

their

written

language

has

no

forward

or

backward

direction

Linguists

call

this

nonlinear

orthography

which

raises

the

question

ls

this

how

they

think

Imagine

you

wanted

to

write

a

sentence

using

two

hands

starring

from

either

side

You

would

have

to

know

each

word

you

wanted

to

use

as

well

as

how

much

space

they

would

occupy

A

heptapod

can

write

a

complex

sentence

in

two

seconds

effortlessly

It's

taken

us

a

month

to

make

the

simplest

reply

Next

expanding

vocabulary

Louise

thinks

it

could

easily

take

another

month

to

be

ready

for

that

Hey

Oh

hey

Weber's

looking

for

you

Yeah

well

why

do

you

think

I'm

hiding

out

here

Come

on

up

Thanks

Nice

out

here

huh

Yeah

it's

a

nice

view

Away

from

the

noise

You

know

I

was

just

thinking

about

you

You

approach

language

like

a

mathematician

You

know

that

right

I

will

take

that

as

a

compliment

Yeah

well

it

is

As

I

watch

you

steer

us

around

these

communication

traps

that

I

didn't

even

know

existed

it's

like

"What"

I

guess

that's

why

I'm

single

Trust

me

you

can

understand

communication

and

still

end

up

single

I

feel

like

everything

that

happens

in

there

comes

down

to

the

two

of

us

Yeah

that's

a

good

thing

though

right

You

and

I

Have

you

seen

the

jokers

that

we're

working

with

Thank

God

I've

got

you

Tonight

the

first

photograph

of

the

aliens

goes

viral

Biological

contamination

is

a

major

risk

factor

at

the

Montana

site

So

say

environmental

pressure

groups

 

march

on

Washington

to

protest

the

government's

handling

of

the

crisis

All

this

and

more

special

coverage

First

contact

with

whoever

it

is

that

is

inside

that

thing

and

who's

running

the

show

The

government

That's

right

folks

the

same

government

who

ruined

our

healthcare

and

bankrupted

our

military

Look

at

these

people

Most

of

them

don't

even

have

guns

We

could

be

facing

a

fullscale

invasion

Our

president's

willing

to

sit

back

and

let

them

waltz

in

and

take

our

country

We

are

failing

asleep

at

the

wheel

people

You

know

what

I'm

talking

about

I

know

you

do

What

if

the

smartest

thing

we

could

do

right

now

would

be

to

give

them

a

show

of

force

I'm

talking

about

a

shot

across

the

bow

What

do

you

think

Caller

No

you're

on

the

air

What

do

you

think

What's

this

word

Planet

That's

like

um

The

Earth

is

a

planet

Want

to

see

my

project

for

Miss

Garriott's

class

Yeah

little

nose

We

had

to

make

up

our

own

TV

show

If

we

had

one

And

who

are

those

two

people

That's

you

and

Dad

The

show

is

called

Mommy

and

Daddy

talk

to

Animals

Oh

Well

it's

lovely

Okay

Um

You

know

it's

okay

to

be

sad

that

your

dad

and

I

I

know

I'm

not

'Cause

we

both

love

you

very

much

I

know

It's

just

a

cartoon

It's

not

real

Louise

You

all

right

Yeah

Yeah

I'm

fine

I'm

not

sure

it's

something

I

can

I

can

explain

When

was

your

last

checkup

with

Dr

Kettler

I'm

okay

I'm

gonna

get

some

air

 

I'm

okay

 

I'm

fine

Yep

How

you

feeling

Um

I

need

some

sleep

but

I'm

fine

Yeah

You

know

I

was

doing

some

reading

um

about

this

idea

that

if

you

immerse

yourself

into

a

foreign

language

then

you

can

actually

rewire

your

brain

The

SapirWhorf

hypothesis

Mmhmm

The

theory

that

uh

It

It's

the

theory

that

uh

the

language

you

speak

determines

how

you

think

and

Yeah

It

affects

how

you

see

everything

It

was

uh

I'm

curious

Are

you

dreaming

in

their

language

I

may

have

had

a

few

dreams

but

I

don't

I

don't

think

that

that

makes

me

unfit

to

do

this

job

Did

you

sleep

A

little

Do

you

know

Mandarin

It

is

shifting

The

voice

you're

about

to

hear

belongs

to

a

Chinese

military

chief

General

Shang

Pull

n

up

We

got

a

satellite

feed

here

of

who

he's

talking

to

if

you

want

to

look

Wait

go

back

Stop

He's

saying

that

each

of

the

is

offering

advanced

technology

Go

back

again

And

play

Um

"Our

science

team

is

attempting

to

decode

the

sets"

Sets

I

don't

know

what

that

means

Something

about

advantage

suits

honor

and

uh

flowers

I

don't

I

don't

know

That's

all

I

don't

know

what

it

means

either

An

hour

ago

China

mobilized

forces

And

now

Russia's

following

suit

Shang's

about

to

start

something

Following

suit

Suits

Suits

honor

flowers

Colonel

those

are

all

tile

sets

in

mahjongg

God

are

they

Are

they

using

a

game

to

converse

with

their

heptapods

Maybe

Why

Well

let's

say

that

I

taught

them

chess

instead

of

English

Every

conversation

would

be

a

game

Every

idea

expressed

through

opposition

victory

defeat

You

see

the

problem

Hmm

If

all

I

ever

gave

you

was

a

hammer

Everything's

a

nail

We

need

to

ask

the

big

question

Ready

or

not

Yeah

I

know

but

between

there

and

there

Well

it's

time

to

go

Okay

Heptapods'

purpose

Heptapod

purpose

Earth

What

is

your

purpose

Do

we

only

have

Costello

Okay

There

you

are

What

does

it

say

Offer

weapon

You

saw

what

they

wrote

Using

a

word

they

don't

fully

understand

 

 

Enough

Louise

We

don't

know

if

they

understand

the

difference

between

a

weapon

and

a

tool

Our

language

like

our

culture

is

messy

and

sometimes

one

can

be

both

And

it's

quite

possible

that

they're

asking

us

to

offer

them

something

not

the

other

way

around

It's

like

the

first

part

of

a

trade

So

how

do

we

clarify

their

intentions

beyond

those

two

words

Well

I

go

back

in

Right

away

we

go

back

in

and

we

clear

this

up

It's

more

complicated

than

that

How

is

it

more

complicated

than

that

Colonel

the

Secretary

of

Defense

is

on

the

line

for

you

We

need

to

sit

on

this

information

till

we

know

what

it

means

so

we

aren't

sharing

it

with

our

enemies

We

must

consider

the

idea

that

our

visitors

are

prodding

us

to

fight

among

ourselves

until

only

one

faction

prevails

 

There's

no

evidence

of

that

 

Just

grab

a

history

book

The

British

with

India

the

Germans

with

Rwanda

They

even

got

a

name

for

it

in

Hungary

Yeah

We're

a

world

with

no

single

leader

It's

impossible

to

deal

with

just

one

of

us

And

with

the

word

"weapon"

now

Halpern

Yes

sir

No

confirmation

yet

Standing

by

Anything

What

did

they

say

China

and

Russia

are

off

the

grid

They

aren't

speaking

to

anyone

Whatever

they

learned

in

their

last

session

has

them

spooked

YES

sir

We

have

orders

to

do

the

same

These

are

our

allies

You

can't

shut

us

down

 

 

We

received

a

message

from

the

hept

Damn

it

We

need

to

be

talking

to

each

other

You

want

to

talk

to

them

Find

out

what

this

means

Basecamp

talk

is

now

offline

All

interpreters

and

international

liaisons

stand

down

and

report

to

unit

coordinators

We've

never

reentered

a

session

before

Louise

trust

me

okay

We've

got

time

We've

just

gotta

step

on

it'

all

right

Use

weapon

This

is

the

alien

message

said

to

have

provoked

the

Chinese

government

to

withdraw

their

scientists

from

the

international

mission

today

In

a

statement

General

Shang

said

"China

no

longer

trusts

the

aliens

"who

want

to

divide

us

"Humanity

must

be

protected"

China

has

asked

for

immediate

talks

at

the

UN

Alpha

one

niner

this

is

Condor

over

Alphaoneniner

this

is

Condor

come

in

Over

Captain

Marks

Condor

not

receiving

transmission

Squelch

Mice

if

you

hear

line

Captain

Marks

all

escort

units

are

ordered

to

cease

all

activity

No

no

no

Dr

Banks

you

can't

go

in

there

I

just

need

to

ask

one

question

Dr

Banks

The

session

is

finished

You

can't

You

can't

go

back

in

It's

dangerous

Look

we

just

need

five

minutes

Don't

sweat

it

Marks

let

them

go

Hey

Abbott

So

what

are

we

calling

this'

Session

 

Uh

no

part

 

Why

are

they

on

their

own

We've

been

attempting

to

hail

Captain

Marks

The

escort

units

are

not

responding

sir

Why

not

Send

security

Offer

weapon

question

mark

Are

you

offering

us

something

Technology

apparatus

method

Yeah

see

this

is

a

different

word

This

This

segment

it's

a

lot

busier

Give

technology

How

What's

he

doing

Captain

on

your

ten

Security

detail

inbound

sir

Tminus

minutes

remaining

We

need

to

see

this

through

Okay

this

is

it

Lock

and

load

We

just

need

to

hold

them

off

until

it's

done

Copy

that

Warning

shots

and

suppressive

fire

only

Load

up

and

get

to

coven

Stay

frosty

and

we

can

avoid

casualties

Abbott

wants

me

to

write

on

the

barrier

Can

you

even

do

that

I

don't

know

I

can't

do

it

with

both

hands

Louise

What

is

that

Hey

Hey

hey

hey

Take

it

easy

You

suffered

a

concussion

Just

lay

back

How

do

you

feel

How

is

Ian

Same

as

you

He's

okay

Who

um

Who

did

this

Ah

some

soldiers

They've

been

watching

too

much

TV

What

is

that

Take

it

easy

Take

it

easy

The

sites

no

longer

secure

We're

standing

by

to

evacuate

Where's

Ian

Weber

came

and

got

him

maybe

minutes

ago

He

wouldn't

leave

until

he

knew

you

were

okay

Your

whole

tent

is

on

the

clock

to

figure

out

whatever

it

is

you

were

given

up

there

This

is

all

of

it

The

feed

wasn't

interrupted

by

the

explosion

Not

as

far

as

I

can

see

You

see

something

Oh

I

don't

know

yet

I'm

gonna

need

my

team

to

get

together

with

Louise's

team

I

need

everybody

working

on

this

We

cannot

leave

Glad

to

see

you're

awake

We

need

to

go

back

in

and

explain

this

wasn't

our

fault

 

We

can't

go

back

inside

 

What

happened

in

there

was

an

attack

We

can

hope

for

the

best

but

I

have

orders

to

prepare

for

retaliation

We

may

have

to

evacuate

No

that's

the

wrong

move

As

long

as

they

stay'

we

have

to

stay

Well

they're

not

leaving

Why

does

this

feel

worse

China

is

on

the

offensive

They're

positioning

the

military

to

blow

the

alien

vessel

right

out

of

the

sky

And

if

this

happens

we

can't

sit

around

waiting

for

retaliation

So

get

prepared

The

Air

Force

and

infantry

are

standing

by

YES

sir

Tonight

China

becomes

the

first

world

power

to

declare

war

against

the

aliens

Following

the

failure

of

diplomatic

efforts

at

the

United

Nations

China

has

confirmed

that

its

language

experts

have

tonight

delivered

an

ultimatum

at

the

Shanghai

site

In

a

televised

statement

General

Shang

chairman

of

the

People's

Liberation

Army

said

the

aliens

have

hours

to

leave

Chinese

territory

or

face

destruction

And

he

urged

ail

other

world

leaders

to

unite

with

China

and

take

a

similar

stance

With

a

huge

buildup

oi

forces

at

their

landing

sites

Pakistan

Russia

and

Sudan

are

thought

to

be

following

China

's

lead

It

can't

be

random

It's

going

to

take

us

years

What's

this

term

here

Mom

Mom

Hmm

Sweetie

Uh

what's

this

term

for

that

thing

like

a

Like

a

technical

term

where

we

make

a

deal

and

we

both

get

something

out

of

it

A

compromise

No

Like

it's

a

competition

Mmhmm

But

both

sides

end

up

happy

Like

a

winwin

More

sciencey

than

that

If

you

want

science

call

your

father

Thank

you

Sorry

It's

okay

I'm

up

What

time

is

it

It's

time

you

opened

that

bottle

you've

been

hiding

You

cracked

something

didn't

you

Yeah

Come

here

Take

a

look

at

this

section

It

seems

to

be

talking

about

time

Their

symbol

for

time

is

everywhere

So

what

is

this

A

formula

for

fasterthanlight

travel

Who

can

tell

There

are

too

many

gaps

Nothing's

complete

Then

it

dawned

on

me

Come

here

Right

here

Stop

focusing

on

the

ones

Look

at

the

zeroes

How

much

of

this

is

data

How

much

of

it

is

negative

space

So

I

measured

it

 

recurring

Perhaps

you'd

like

that

as

a

fraction

One

of

twelve

What

they're

saying

right

here

is

that

this

is

one

of

 

We

are

part

of

a

larger

whole

Or

we're

one

of

contestants

for

the

prize

Why

do

I

have

to

talk

to

him

We're

all

working

together

We

need

to

talk

to

the

other

sites

help

them

with

what

they've

gotten

from

the

heptapods

We're

blacked

out

China

just

threatened

to

destroy

their

shell

We're

on

our

own

But

this

says

that

all

of

the

pieces

fit

together

And

I'm

telling

you

that

no

one

else

cares

Two

hours

ago

we

pulled

this

audio

off

a

secure

channel

in

Russia

Someone

on

the

science

team

there

was

broadcasting

wide

In

their

final

session

the

aliens

said

"There

is

no

time

Many

become

one"

I

fear

we

have

all

been

given

weapons

If

anyone

is

receiving

this

please

Well

I

mean

there

are

a

lot

of

ways

you

can

interpret

what

he

said

I

don't

need

an

interpreter

to

know

what

this

means

Russia

just

executed

one

of

their

own

experts

to

keep

their

secret

Many

become

one

could

just

be

their

way

of

saying

some

assembly

required

Why

hand

it

out

to

us

in

pieces

Why

not

just

give

it

all

over

What

better

way

to

force

us

to

work

together

for

once

Even

if

I

did

believe

you

how

in

the

world

are

you

gonna

get

anybody

else

to

play

along

and

give

up

their

data

We

offer

ours

in

return

Yeah

A

trade

It's

a

nonzerosum

game

Nonzerosum

game

That's

it

Yeah

Thanks

Nine

of

the

landing

sites

have

gone

total

comms

blackout

Only

way

to

reach

them

is

lo

physically

drive

there

and

yell

at

the

border

guards

which

we're

doing

but

it

won't

be

fast

enough

There

must

be

a

way

to

get

the

message

to

them

To

our

allies

maybe

but

it's

too

little

too

late

What

we

need

is

to

get

all

the

other

nations

online

before

one

starts

global

wan

And

there's

no

way

for

us

to

reach

them

Okay

hold

on

a

second

There

is

It's

right

above

us

That's

problematic

for

us

right

now

The

Pentagon's

convinced

our

shell

will

retaliate

My

guess

is

they'll

order

us

to

evacuate

within

the

hour

Look

they're

not

our

enemy

They've

made

no

act

of

aggression

towards

us

Maybe

this

is

their

way

of

being

aggressive

That's

not

the

question

What

is

the

question

How

do

we

get

you

back

in

that

room

when

it's

half

a

mile

straight

up

I

think

our

work

here

is

done

It's

in

the

hands

of

our

superiors

now

What

the

hell

is

she

doing

Oh

my

God

Oh

God

no

Costello

Where's

Abbott

I'm

sorry

We're

sorry

I

need

you

to

I

need

you

to

send

a

message

to

the

other

sites

I

don't

I

don't

understand

What

is

your

purpose

here

How

can

you

know

the

future

I

don't

I

don't

understand'

Who

is

this

child

The

show

is

called

"Mommy

and

Daddy

talk

to

Animals"

Wait

No

Wait

 

Dr

Banks

 

Louise

Are

you

all

right

 

 

Yeah

I'm

all

right

What

happened

I'm

trying

to

figure

it

out

This

is

too

big

Doesn't

matter

now

We

have

orders

to

evacuate

Why

Russia

and

Sudan

are

following

China

I

don't

understand

Help

me

Mama

Louise

Whoa

Mom

Mama

Sorry

honey

What

day

is

it

Do

you

know

baby

Sunday

Are

you

gonna

leave

me

like

Daddy

did

Oh

Hannah

honey

your

daddy

didn't

leave

you

You're

gonna

see

him

this

weekend

He

doesn't

look

at

me

the

same

way

anymore

It's

my

fault

I

told

him

something

that

he

wasn't

ready

to

hear

What

Well

Believe

it

or

not

I

know

something

that's

going

to

happen

I

can't

explain

how

I

know

I

just

do

And

when

I

told

your

daddy

he

got

really

mad

And

he

said

I

made

the

wrong

choice

What

What's

going

to

happen

It

has

to

do

with

a

really

rare

disease

And

it's

unstoppable

Kind

of

like

you

are

with

your

swimming

and

your

poetry

and

all

the

other

amazing

things

that

you

share

with

the

world

I'm

unstoppable

Yeah

I

got

you

Louise

Louise

I

just

realized

why

my

husband

left

me

My

husband

left

me

You

were

married

Come

on

Let's

get

out

of

here

Mama

Yeah

Why's

my

name

Hannah

Get

those

people

back

please

Well

your

name

is

very

special

because

it

is

a

palindrome

It

reads

the

same

forward

and

backward

All

right

guys

give

me

a

hand

here

 

Yes

sir

 

Ready

to

go

Evacuation

underway

Hey

We're

done

here

We're

taking

this

with

us

I

can

read

it

 

 

It's

not

a

weapon

It's

a

gift

The

weapon

is

their

language

They

gave

it

to

us

Do

you

know

what

that

means

So

we

can

learn

Heptapod

If

we

survive

If

you

learn

it

when

you

really

learn

it

you

begin

to

perceive

time

the

way

that

they

do

so

you

can

see

what's

to

come

But

time

it

isn't

the

same

for

them

It's

nonlinear

Look

we

did

our

best

but

it

wasn't

enough

The

captain

will

load

you

up

You're

lifting

off

in

minutes

Ian

Louise

it

was

an

honor

to

work

with

you

Good

luck

Hey

Colonel

I'm

gonna

find

out

where

we're

going

Wake

up

Mommy

Dr

Banks

A

pleasure

General

Shang

the

pleasure

is

mine

really

Your

president

said

he

was

honored

to

host

me

at

the

celebration

Yeah

But

I

confess

the

only

reason

why

I'm

here

is

to

meet

you

in

person

Me

Well

I'm

flattered

Thank

you

 

months

ago

you

did

something

remarkable

something

not

even

my

superior

has

done

And

what's

that

You

changed

my

mind

You're

the

reason

for

this

unification

all

because

you

reached

out

to

me

at

my

private

number

Your

private

number

General

I

I

don't

know

your

private

number

Now

you

know

I

do

not

claim

to

know

how

your

mind

works

but

I

believe

it

was

important

for

you

to

see

that

I

called

you

didn't

I'

Yes

you

did

Louise

All

right

let's

shut

down

the

system

Sir'

There's

a

sat

line

here

dialing

China

Here

What

do

you

mean

"here"

Come

on

come

on

Whose

phone

is

it

It's

your

phone'

sir

Search

base

camp

now

Find

out

who's

using

that

phone

And

hold

on

to

those

coordinates

YES

sir

Come

on

What

do

I

say

What

do

I

say

Come

on

I

will

never

forget

what

you

said

You

told

me

my

wife's

dying

words

We

found

the

source

of

the

phone

call

It's

in

the

clean

room

We're

waiting

for

instructions

What

are

you

doing

 

 

Changing

someone's

mind

 

Can

you

buy

me

seconds

 

We

don't

have

time

for

this

No

trust

me

Buy

me

seconds

 

 

Dr

Banks

drop

the

phone

now

or

we

shoot

Drop

it

I'm

sorry

You

are

committing

an

act

of

treason

 

 

Drop

it

It's

done

I'm

done

Blackout

from

all

landing

sites

continues

this

evening

Hold

on

we

are

just

hearing

I'm

being

told

we're

going

to

cut

this

report

to

tell

you

breaking

news

China

has

called

an

emergency

press

conference

General

Shang

commander

in

chief

of

the

People's

Liberation

Army

has

announced

in

an

emergency

press

conference

that

China

is

standing

down

All

intelligence

they've

received

will

be

shared

immediately

with

the

other

landing

sites

Scientists

from

around

the

world

are

sifting

through

information

received

from

the

UK

Japan

Sierra

Leone

and

Venezuela

The

information

they

have

acquired

from

both

of

their

landing

sites

Also

confirming

it

to

be

one

of

the

pieces

of

this

puzzle

that

is

being

slowly

put

together

So

Hannah

this

is

where

your

story

begins

The

day

they

departed

You

all

right

Despite

knowing

the

journey

and

where

it

leads

I

embrace

it

And

I

welcome

every

moment

of

it

Ooh

Ah

Ooh

HANNAH

Now

backward

H

HANNAH

Hannah

You

ready

baby

Hi

Don't

worry

See

you

Daddy

You

okay

Are

you

ready

Oh

guess

what

Star

stuff

 

Ian'

 

If

you

could

see

your

whole

life

from

start

to

finish

would

you

change

things

Maybe

I'd

say

what

I

feel

more

often

I

I

don't

know

You

know

I've

had

my

head

tilted

up

to

the

stars

for

as

long

as

I

can

remember

You

know

what

surprised

me

the

most

It

wasn't

meeting

them

It

was

meeting

you

I

forgot

how

good

it

felt

to

be

held

by

you

You

wanna

make

a

baby

Yes

Yeah

 

 

 

Wake

up

you

gorgeous

example

of

male

physionomy

Go

on

wipe

the

sleep

from

your

dozy

little

peepers

Get

up

and

smile

It's

time

to

face

the

day

Your

life

begins

anew

each

morning

Celebrate

the

dawn

of

new

opportunities

fresh

horizons

bold

adventures

Rise

to

the

occasion

Get

up

Anthony

Wayne

It's

:

am

and

a

multitude

of

life's

surprises

awaits

you

Wake

up

you

gorgeous

example

of

male

physiognomy

Go

on

wipe

the

sleep

from

your

dozy

little

peepers

Get

up

and

smile

It's

time

to

face

the

day

Your

life

begins

anew

each

morning

Celebrate

the

dawn

of

new

opportunities

fresh

horizons

bold

adventures

Rise

to

the

occasion

Get

up

Anthony

Wayne

Good

morning

Elisabeth

Yeah

it's

me

Listen

I

feel

really

badly

about

what

happened

last

night

so

I

thought

I

should

be

mature

enough

to

call

and

give

you

a

chance

to

make

up

Hello

She

needs

space

 

 

Morning

 

 

Ms

Chantrelle

your

daughter

would

like

you

to

call

her

back

 

 

She

says

it's

urgent

Tell

her

I'll

call

her

back

as

soon

as

I

can

Has

Laurent

Leclair's

office

called

No

not

yet

Find

out

when

he's

expected

to

arrive

in

Paris

And

find

out

where

he's

staying

Ask

Pierre

Meyer

to

come

into

my

office

Yes

Is

this

for

me

No

they're

for

me

Of

course

they

are

Line

three

Hello

Threepointer

 

 

What

are

you

nervous

or

somethin'

No

no

you

just

caught

me

off

guard

Come

in

please

How

are

you

this

morning

How

would

you

be

if

you

had

to

clean

your

apartment

Yeah

well

I

tried

to

straighten

up

for

you

a

little

Yeah

sure

You

couldn't

straighten

up

if

somebody

put

a

broomstick

up

your

ass

 

It'll

be

extra

this

week

 

Well

why

should

this

week

be

any

different

Have

a

nice

day

Mrs

Wellington

I

suspect

you

know

why

you're

here

I'm

happy

you

took

the

initiative

Maybe

we

should

put

some

time

aside

find

out

about

one

another

Nicole

You

should

know

that

in

keeping

with

standard

industry

practice

regarding

confidentiality

in

the

terms

of

your

contract

we

do

expect

you

not

to

take

employment

with

another

financial

institution

for

at

least

days

from

today

What

are

you

talking

about

You're

fired

Didn't

I

mention

that

 

We're

from

personnel

 

Ms

Chantrelle

Mr

Leclair

arrives

at

the

end

of

the

week

We're

here

to

help

you

with

your

adjustment

 

He's

staying

at

the

Regina

 

I'm

fired

What

is

this

sexist

shit

Mr

Olivier

wants

you

in

his

office

immediately

 

I'm

on

my

way

 

You

like

me

 

to

your

Porsche

 

You

like

me

What's

going

on

here

Your

daughter

on

your

private

line

Tell

her

I'll

call

her

back

in

minutes

 

Good

morning

boys

and

girls

 

Don't

get

up

Still

smokin'

Someday

someday

How

are

you

kid

Richard

still

not

talking

to

me

kid

Someday

you'll

learn

to

play

handball

How

are

you

Clark

Roy

Michael

How

'bout

those

Mets

Pete

Next

time

you

wanna

make

some

money

maybe

you'll

listen

to

me

 

Elisabeth

I

gotta

talk

to

you

 

Ayyi

Good

morning

you

outrageously

exploited

wonderful

creatures

Now

now

I

know

you

think

you're

just

a

gang

of

capitalist

pigs

engaged

in

the

squalid

pursuit

of

making

other

capitalist

pigs

very

rich

but

what

you

really

are

in

fact

is

the

cavalry

who

have

fought

through

the

long

dark

night

very

bravely

to

protect

this

little

outpost

which

is

our

client

from

being

overrun

by

a

giant

gang

of

unscrupulous

capitalist

pigs

Do

these

numbers

really

work

 

Yeah

they

work

 

And

now

with

this

new

ammunition

you've

given

me

I

intend

to

end

this

war

once

and

for

all

Luke

saddle

up

we're

movin'

out

I

can't

believe

you've

done

this

without

asking

my

opinion

When

Walker

resigned

we

had

to

make

a

fast

decision

We

wanted

to

strengthen

the

mergers

and

acquisition

team

immediately

I'm

sorry

if

it

has

upset

you

Well

it

has

I

mean

I'm

the

one

who

has

to

work

with

him

Do

you

mind

telling

me

who

it

is

Anthony

Wayne

He's

head

of

Mergers

and

Acquisitions

in

Biggi

Bank

New

York

 

 

He

has

a

reputation

for

unorthodox

methods

Am

I

to

believe

from

your

lack

of

interest

that

your

client

is

giving

up

and

will

sell

their

shares

to

the

Weir

Corporation

 

we

have

offered

 

On

the

contrary

Mr

Hampton

I

was

just

waiting

for

you

to

run

out

of

steam

And

now

that

you

apparently

have

I

want

you

to

understand

the

following

number

one

this

is

a

family

firm

Number

two

they

wish

to

remain

a

family

firm

Number

three

if

you

do

not

cease

and

desist

immediately

from

trying

this

corporate

raid

on

this

family

firm

this

family

firm

in

turn

will

be

forced

to

attempt

a

corporate

raid

on

your

firm

and

you

sir

will

be

out

of

a

job

Gentlemen

thank

you

He

gets

the

results

his

client

wants

He's

tough

he's

sly

And

when

he

gets

his

teeth

into

something

he

won't

let

go

He's

been

highly

recommended

and

we

want

him

 

 

You're

very

highly

valued

Let

me

be

honest

with

you

One

of

the

reasons

Walker

left

was

that

he

couldn't

get

along

with

you

I

can

run

this

department

CP

Nicole

we're

making

a

big

investment

in

bringing

Wayne

to

Paris

Yeah

for

the

Weir

Corporation

it's

like

ordering

Chinese

They

pick

a

number

they

eat

their

fill

and

you

can

bet

in

a

couple

of

hours

they'll

be

hungry

again

What

Who

told

you

I

was

looking

for

a

new

job

Don't

be

ridiculous

You'll

be

the

first

to

know

Right

Byebye

Speaking

All

right

When

does

he

start

If

he

accepts

he'll

be

out

of

the

market

for

days

He'll

join

us

in

a

month

from

now

I

just

don't

trust

Leclair

We

can't

get

behind

this

deal

No

if

you'd

listen

you

might

have

a

better

understanding

of

the

problem

That's

the

point

Think

about

how

we

can

do

it

and

call

me

back

 

 

I

need

to

talk

to

you

Elisabeth

 

I'm

in

the

middle

of

something

 

Me

too

I'm

in

the

middle

of

talking

to

you

Hurry

up

Anthony

I

don't

have

time

for

this

No

listen

to

me

seriously

I've

got

a

big

decision

to

make

Well

you're

in

trouble

then

as

you're

incapable

of

making

a

big

decision

It's

going

to

affect

you

No

it

won't

Anthony

Sorry

pal

but

I'm

not

waiting

around

for

you

to

grow

up

Getting

up

in

the

morning

is

a

big

decision

for

you

I've

moved

on

And

the

best

advice

I

can

give

you

is

to

do

the

same

Thank

you

Liz

You've

been

a

great

help

 

Stop

calling

me

Anthony

 

to

call

you

You're

not

funny

Put

those

flowers

back

Everywhere

you

go

you

make

a

mess

Au

revoir

Elisabeth

I

want

you

to

do

your

best

to

work

with

him

 

feel

comfortable

here

 

Ms

Chantrelle

How

are

things

going

with

Laurent

Leclair

He'll

be

in

Paris

soon

We

have

a

good

relationship

with

him

We

don't

want

to

damage

it

Look

after

him

See

he

gets

everything

he

needs

 

Ms

Chantrelle

 

I'm

not

a

hostess

Your

daughter

says

she

needs

you

at

home

right

away

 

 

better

call

her

 

No

 

I

said

go

to

your

room

and

clean

it

up

now

 

No

I'm

not

going

to

my

room

 

Go

to

your

room

I

hate

you

I

hate

you

I

hate

you

Don't

speak

to

me

like

that

What

is

the

problem

here

Mummy

I'm

so

glad

you're

here

Marie

what

is

the

problem

There's

no

problem

really

Mummy

It's

just

that

she's

a

horrible

mean

person

and

I

don't

like

her

and

she's

not

very

good

at

her

job

 

Go

to

your

room

 

No

I

don't

want

to

go

to

my

room

I

ask

her

time

and

time

again

to

clean

her

room

You

never

do

anything

 

Back

to

your

room

Leave

me

alone

Enough

Mauricette

do

you

have

anything

to

say

Yes

I

quit

 

But

you

can't

do

that

 

You

can

stay

home

with

me

I'd

like

it

if

you

stay

home

with

me

Mauricette

Is

it

more

money

you

need

Please

Mauricette

I

need

you

I

mean

I've

got

to

go

back

to

the

office

I'm

begging

you

please

stay

I

know

Marie

can

be

difficult

sometimes

 

 

Well

she's

just

a

child

Goodbye

 

Open

your

eyes

and

be

glad

you're

alive

 

 

Get

ready

to

start

your

day

 

 

Take

one

step

forward

and

you're

on

your

way

 

 

Little

by

little

 

Why

not

my

friend

There's

a

whole

lot

more

money

involved

Besides

the

girls

are

prettier

and

everyone

knows

Parisians

take

longer

and

better

lunches

Look

pal

there's

a

lot

more

to

life

 

than

wine

women

and

song

 

On

the

other

hand

Hey

look

If

you

had

your

choice

between

living

in

New

York

and

Paris

which

would

you

choose

 

 

 

 

As

a

matter

of

fact

she

helped

me

make

up

my

mind

She's

taking

it

very

hard

 

I'm

sorry

friend

 

That's

all

right

Hey

a

door

slams

a

window

opens

right

Look

I've

got

days

to

start

a

whole

new

life

I'm

going

to

a

foreign

country

find

a

new

apartment

and

someone

very

special

to

share

my

life

Somebody

relaxed

with

a

sense

of

humor

It

doesn't

have

to

be

a

big

sense

of

humor

mind

you

That

might

be

asking

too

much

As

long

as

they

don't

take

themselves

too

too

seriously

 

No

 

Someone

easygoing

kind

of

surfing

through

life

who

sees

the

big

picture

and

doesn't

get

bogged

down

by

the

little

things

that

can

from

time

to

time

go

wrong

Come

here

you

little

 

Stop

disturbing

 

No

Mummy

no

 

Mummy

 

I'm

sorry

 

 

She

speaks

English

and

Spanish

Perfect

Annette

Vatel

She

loves

children

Odette

She's

kind

and

patient

Very

kind

and

patient

The

next

woman

isn't

gonna

be

some

"love

at

first

sight"

mistake

that's

for

sure

This

time

I'm

gonna

think

with

my

head

I'm

going

to

carefully

and

considerately

select

her

There

are

a

lot

of

fish

out

there

so

I

can

be

picky

I

want

someone

who's

patient

and

polite

who

can

appreciate

how

hard

it

is

to

string

this

long

list

of

clichés

together

But

above

all

she

should

be

soft

and

gentle

and

of

course

feminine

I'm

airborne

partner

You

take

care

of

the

hacienda

Hello

Hello

Hello

Any

messages

for

Anthony

Wayne

room

please

Thank

you

Monsieur

Leclair

 

 

I'll

organize

a

meeting

and

get

back

to

you

right

away

No

Thanks

Any

um

any

messages

Oui

Monsieur

Leclair

Your

wife

called

I'll

be

back

This

has

been

going

on

all

week

I

have

a

daughter

I

can't

keep

taking

the

afternoons

off

from

the

office

Ms

Chantrelle

at

the

present

time

there

is

no

one

just

no

one

available

that

seems

to

meet

your

requirements

We

arranged

possible

maids

for

you

to

interview

You

turned

them

all

down

My

daughter

is

very

particular

I'm

sorry

I'm

desperate

Very

desperate

If

we

can

find

someone

suitable

we'll

send

them

over

right

away

Between

her

and

her

horrible

little

girl

no

one

will

ever

be

suitable

I'll

be

there

as

soon

as

I

can

get

someone

to

look

after

Marie

I'm

sorry

CP

I'll

get

there

as

soon

as

possible

I'm

not

happy

about

it

Nicole

It's

been

going

on

far

too

long

I'm

sorry

I

know

I'm

trying

to

resolve

the

problem

 

 

Mummy

get

the

door

Just

a

second

 

 

 

 

I'm

here

to

meet

you

No

wait

a

second

No

the

agency

sent

me

I'm

your

new

maid

Who

is

it

 

Mummy

who

is

it

 

 

Mummy

 

That's

my

daughter

 

 

Didn't

the

agency

tell

you

Her

school

ends

at

:

That's

why

the

afternoons

are

so

difficult

CP

I'll

be

right

in

Normally

I

wouldn't

hire

you

without

an

extensive

interview

But

under

the

circumstances

we'll

see

how

today

goes

before

we

make

this

permanent

These

are

your

instructions

My

phone

number's

on

the

bottom

It's

a

direct

line

to

me

but

please

don't

call

unless

it's

an

emergency

 

 

Marie

come

in

here

What

do

you

want

This

is

the

new

maid

It's

a

man

I'm

going

to

tell

the

neighbor

to

keep

a

eye

on

you

If

anything

should

happen

to

my

daughter

while

she's

in

your

care

I

will

kill

you

Well

I

wouldn't

blame

you

Ms

Chantrelle

but

listen

to

me

This

is

not

going

the

way

I

thought

it

should

 

something

here

 

I

have

to

go

off

now

I'm

gonna

be

late

I'll

be

late

tonight

 

You're

going

out

 

You're

going

to

leave

me

here

with

him

 

You're

an

American

 

Yes

I

am

Marie

he's

an

American

He

can

make

you

a

juicy

hamburger

French

fries

and

milkshake

I

don't

want

a

milkshake

Sweetheart

I'll

make

it

up

to

you

I

promise

Okay

I've

got

to

go

Um

Ms

Chantrelle

Good

luck

So

you're

having

a

bad

day

kid

Don't

worry

about

it

Your

mother

will

be

home

soon

Meanwhile

we've

got

a

lot

of

things

to

do

here

I'm

not

going

to

eat

it

Are

you

listening

I'm

not

going

to

eat

it

 

You're

going

to

eat

it

 

 

 

rings

to

get

to

the

phone

 

 

No

no

Everything's

fine

 

 

Yes

really

 

 

She's

just

about

to

eat

I'm

not

hungry

Make

sure

she

eats

I

will

make

sure

You

have

my

word

on

it

That

was

your

mother

 

You've

got

to

eat

 

I

don't

have

to

do

anything

 

I'm

not

hungry

 

Hungry

or

not

you're

gonna

eat

 

No

no

 

No

no

Shh

No

no

I

take

it

back

You

don't

have

to

eat

Hang

on

please

Wait

a

minute

Hello

Hello

 

 

I'm

just

checking

to

see

if

you

are

all

right

Everything's

fine

The

little

girl's

a

little

upset

 

but

she'll

be

all

right

in

a

minute

 

No

no

no

no

I'm

checking

to

see

if

you

are

okay

 

 

that

little

girl

Her

mother

asked

me

if

I

could

look

after

her

this

week

If

anything

bad

should

happen

to

you

I'm

just

living

next

door

Merci

monsieur

You're

a

lot

of

laughs

kid

I'm

not

hungry

and

you're

not

the

boss

of

me

We'll

see

about

that

kid

My

God

now

what

This

is

partly

your

fault

you

know

 

and

help

me

clean

it

up

 

No

I

said

get

in

here

and

help

me

clean

this

up

girly

No

Aghdahh

All

right

you've

had

your

fun

now

let's

get

serious

No

don't

scream

I'm

not

gonna

hurt

you

Come

back

here

Please

don't

run

from

me

will

ya

Come

on

All

right

we're

really

mad

now

Do

you

hear

me

sweetheart

Come

on

now

the

joke's

over

Open

up

Do

you

hear

me

Open

this

door

Marie

come

back

here

Marie

Don't

move

Give

me

the

handle

Give

me

the

handle

Thank

you

You

can

scream

all

you

like

young

lady

I

am

through

fooling

around

with

you

From

now

on

we

are

gonna

play

by

my

rules

is

that

clear

And

that

means

that

you're

gonna

stay

in

this

room

and

clean

it

up

and

start

behaving

yourself

Because

we

are

really

mad

this

time

Of

course

if

the

Leclair

Group

should

come

under

any

threat

from

any

hostile

takeover

or

anything

We

can

put

the

finance

needed

into

place

to

defend

your

position

 

 

 

 

Thank

you

Nicole

I'm

reassured

Anthony

How

are

you

Well

I'm

fine

thank

you

Monsieur

Olivier

And

I

just

wanted

to

let

you

know

that

I'm

getting

settled

here

in

Paris

and

I

can

be

reached

at

the

Hotel

Mama

mia

Um

no

no

the

Hotel

Regina

Why

don't

we

have

lunch

tomorrow

Perhaps

we

could

have

dinner

sometime

this

week

and

discuss

this

further

 

 

Well

that

would

be

lovely

That

was

a

new

member

of

our

team

who

has

just

arrived

from

New

York

Anthony

Wayne

will

be

joining

us

soon

I

was

just

saying

to

Nicole

that

perhaps

I

would

have

dinner

with

her

sometime

this

week

to

discuss

her

strategy

further

You

know

Laurent

MorganDricker

handled

all

your

father's

banking

You'll

have

dinner

with

me

then

We

were

a

very

good

combination

We

understood

each

other's

needs

There

was

a

good

chemistry

Have

dinner

with

him

 

I'm

hungry

 

That's

tough

 

I

said

I'm

hungry

 

I

said

that's

tough

 

gonna

do

about

it

 

Be

my

guest

Nicole

Chantrelle

Hello

Where

is

she

When

will

she

be

back

I

said

I'm

hungry

Make

me

some

food

I

beg

your

pardon

You

are

not

the

boss

of

me

 

 

 

You

can't

leave

me

alone

 

Yes

I

can

 

I

don't

like

you

 

I

don't

like

you

either

 

You

don't

 

 

 

But

I

don't

want

you

to

If

you

don't

eat

when

you're

invited

to

eat

you

don't

eat

period

 

 

Very

well

Sit

down

please

I

said

sit

down

please

Thank

you

Now

then

before

we

go

any

further

there

are

some

things

that

you

have

to

do

and

I

emphasize

you

The

very

first

thing

is

you

will

clean

up

the

yogurt

But

I'm

hungry

You

will

starve

until

after

you've

cleaned

up

the

yogurt

After

that

you

will

make

your

own

supper

 

 

Yes

you

Now

after

that

you

will

practice

the

piano

and

after

that

you

will

do

your

homework

It's

all

on

the

list

Trust

me

Get

started

Very

well

the

eggs

are

finished

Milk

Glass

Dish

Thank

you

Say

when

ready

Ready

Careful

Very

very

carefully

Atta

girl

All

right

So

Grace

For

what

we

are

about

to

receive

we

are

truly

grateful

Amen

Napkin

Eat

Piano

practice

will

begin

in

minutes

Doesn't

sound

like

you're

enjoying

this

much

No

I

hate

the

piano

Maybe

you

just

don't

like

the

way

you

play

I

know

a

little

song

you

might

like

In

fact

I

composed

it

myself

Would

you

like

to

learn

You

sure

All

right

watch

and

listen

carefully

You

try

that

Close

but

no

cigar

Listen

again

I

think

you've

got

it

Would

you

like

to

learn

the

lyrics

now

All

right

Listen

carefully

One

two

three

and

 

Open

your

eyes

and

be

glad

you're

alive

 

 

Get

ready

to

start

your

day

 

 

Take

one

step

forward

and

you're

on

your

way

 

 

Little

by

little

a

smile's

all

it

takes

 

 

What

a

difference

it

makes

a

ray

of

sunshine

 

All

right

you

ready

All

right

follow

me

And

one

two

three

and

 

Open

your

eyes

and

be

glad

you're

alive

 

 

Get

ready

to

start

your

day

 

 

Take

one

step

forward

and

you're

on

your

way

 

 

Little

by

little

a

smile's

all

it

takes

 

 

What

a

difference

it

makes

a

ray

of

sunshine

 

 

If

you

again

from

the

top

 

Open

your

eyes

and

be

glad

you're

alive

 

 

Get

ready

to

start

your

day

 

 

Take

one

step

 

Not

now

Mummy

I'm

practicing

Well

what

have

we

got

here

Don't

touch

Mummy

says

it

might

break

My

my

my

Look

who's

coming

down

the

street

Hello

there

little

girl

My

name's

Mr

Potato

What's

yours

 

My

name's

Steffi

 

You're

a

mighty

pretty

girl

Steffi

'cept

you

got

a

big

nose

I

know

You've

got

a

small

nose

Yeah

well

look

who's

coming

down

here

now

It's

me

Pop

Here

comes

my

son

Spud

Get

over

here

Spud

There's

someone

I

want

you

to

meet

Who's

that

Pop

Well

this

here's

Steffi

Gosh

she's

got

a

big

nose

Well

you

shouldn't

talk

You

don't

have

any

arms

Well

that's

not

my

fault

Pop

Well

hang

on

son

We'll

see

what

we

can

do

about

that

 

What's

going

on

here

 

 

 

Ms

Chantrelle

 

You're

hired

 

No

no

Listen

I'm

not

a

domestic

or

an

au

pair

or

whatever

you

call

it

You're

a

magician

The

truth

is

you

are

a

magician

Well

no

Listen

to

me

I

can

pay

you

 

francs

a

day

Is

that

all

right

 

No

no

please

listen

I

feel

bad

 

Okay

okay

okay

 

and

I

gotta

tell

you

that

 

You're

worth

 

No

no

please

Will

you

listen

to

me

I

can

explain

 

these

conversations

 

I

do

too

believe

me

And

I

really

can't

afford

much

more

 

No

no

will

you

please

listen

to

me

Ms

Chantrelle

Please

take

this

Please

say

yes

 

Ms

Chantrelle

I

 

 

 

I

will

see

you

in

the

morning

:

 

Wait

a

minute

please

ma'am

 

Yes

but

we've

gotta

talk

about

this

Can

we

talk

in

the

morning

I'm

exhausted

 

 

You're

welcome

Yeah

good

night

Um

 

 

Listen

I

made

a

mistake

Good

night

Mr

Potato

 

 

I

forgot

what

time

tomorrow

:

Don't

be

late

Goodbye

Goodbye

What

are

you

doing

up

you

scallywag

Had

a

hard

day

at

the

office

today

No

not

too

bad

not

too

bad

Excuse

me

Any

messages

for

room

please

Kick

off

with

a

few

 

 

Oui

Monsieur

Leclair

 

 

That

just

freed

us

up

for

the

evening

 

 

Merci

monsieur

Wake

up

you

gorgeous

example

of

male

physiognomy

Go

on

wipe

the

sleep

from

your

dozy

little

peepers

Get

up

and

smile

It's

time

to

face

the

day

Your

life

begins

anew

each

morning

Celebrate

the

dawn

of

new

opportunities

 

 

All

right

kid

 

 

the

truth

A

multitude

of

life's

little

surprises

awaits

you

Take

heart

FOR

RENT

Dear

maid

"today

could

you

please

vacuum

and

dust

the

living

room

Polish

the

silver

scrub

and

wax

the

kitchen

floor

 

defrost

the

freezer"

 

"put

the

clothes

that

are

in

the

washer

in

the

dryer

put

the

clothes

in

the

hamper

in

the

washer

and

make

sure

you

separate

the

colors

I've

left

a

few

things

to

be

ironed

out

on

the

kitchen

table

 

I

presume

you

know

how

to

iron"

 

"In

the

future

please

arrive

on

time

I'll

speak

to

you

during

the

day"

This

definitely

calls

for

reinforcements

How's

it

going

in

there

Mademoiselles

do

a

good

job

we

might

make

this

a

regular

gig

I'll

go

and

do

the

bedroom

now

Madame

there's

a

bonus

for

you

if

you

clean

the

toilet

 

All

right

monsieur

 

Merci

madame

Nobody

answer

the

phone

Hello

Yes

I

thought

it

might

be

you

 

I'm

just

checking

 

Nicole

Chantrelle's

office

Laurent

Leclair

on

two

I

have

to

go

Bye

Hold

the

line

a

moment

please

Hello

Laurent

All

right

ladies

once

again

from

the

top

And

one

two

three

There

you

go

Keep

the

change

Thank

you

Thank

you

We're

a

relationship

based

firm

We

take

pride

in

developing

good

solid

relationships

with

our

clients

Would

you

like

some

more

wine

monsieur

Please

Where

was

I

"Do

you

have

any

children"

Yes

that's

right

Relationships

is

a

watchword

We

take

pride

in

developing

good

solid

relationships

with

our

clients

Upsydaisy

Close

your

eyes

please

Open

"says

me"

 

Come

on

Donna

hurry

up

 

We're

gonna

be

late

 

 

Please

Donna

come

on

 

I'm

doing

my

hair

 

Well

it

shouldn't

take

that

long

Come

on

baby

It's

my

big

night

World

premiere

of

my

new

movie

Hurry

up

there

sweetheart

My

my

I'm

so

nervous

I

can't

even

see

straight

There

That's

better

 

My

my

my

Look

at

you

 

I

love

your

outfit

but

don't

you

think

you

got

too

much

of

that

sticky

stuff

in

your

hair

Come

on

let's

go

Take

my

arm

madame

We're

outta

here

 

 

You've

done

a

wonderful

job

 

 

It's

incredible

It's

no

big

deal

Here

you

go

honey

 

 

what

you

can

do

if

you

just

put

your

mind

to

it

Listen

could

I

talk

to

you

for

a

second

please

Look

I've

been

thinking

about

this

I

want

to

pay

you

more

money

For

the

job

you

do

you

deserve

more

money

No

no

that's

not

what

I

had

in

mind

You've

done

wonders

for

Marie

She's

only

known

you

a

few

days

and

she

loves

you

You

must

be

very

special

I

would

hate

to

lose

you

Please

tell

me

what

I

can

do

to

make

you

happy

here

Well

Will

you

stay

for

dinner

with

us

One

day

he

just

left

Never

explained

just

left

I

had

Marie

six

months

later

She

never

knew

her

father

I

guess

he

didn't

like

my

cooking

Obviously

he

didn't

have

any

taste

I

do

enjoy

cooking

It

relaxes

me

Yeah

Me

too

Are

you

a

good

cook

 

Well

that

all

depends

 

I'll

bet

you

are

But

you

know

it's

a

weird

thing

to

be

doing

for

a

man

your

age

 

What

cooking

 

It

certainly

is

You

don't

look

like

a

maid

Well

tell

me

what's

a

maid

supposed

to

look

like

Well

you

know

what

I

mean

I

mean

um

is

there

a

reason

for

your

choice

Are

you

a

perpetual

college

student

or

something

 

No

no

 

A

painter

maybe

No

no

no

Is

this

a

temporary

career

Well

you

could

say

that

yes

How

did

you

end

up

doing

what

you

are

doing

I

keep

asking

myself

that

question

a

lot

these

days

 

 

No

no

not

long

It's

just

my

luck

I

found

you

 

You're

a

really

nice

man

 

Open

honest

that's

rare

Ready

for

bed

Hello

Laurent

What

a

surprise

Well

I

don't

think

I

can

tonight

but

 

Who's

Laurent

 

I

don't

know

 

'Night

 

Good

night

John

Good

night

No

no

it's

all

right

It's

only

the

maid

RENTED

The

Weir

Corporation

is

looking

for

an

overseas

acquisition

and

they've

publicly

announced

they're

interested

in

publishing

and

advertising

I'm

afraid

Laurent

that

makes

your

group

a

likely

target

I

won't

sell

my

shares

If

they

want

to

buy

you

why

don't

you

sell

and

walk

away

with

a

profit

and

a

position

at

the

conglomerate

Or

you

fight

the

possibility

of

a

takeover

by

buying

the

stocks

you

need

to

hold

%

You'll

have

to

consider

whether

to

wait

and

see

or

make

the

first

move

I

always

think

it's

important

to

let

the

other

person

make

the

first

move

CP

let's

wait

and

see

And

I

want

to

know

if

I

can

count

on

you

for

the

money

I'll

need

if

it

comes

to

a

fight

 

on

us

Laurent

 

Thank

you

CP

Ms

Chantrelle

 

to

dinner

 

Well

you're

still

invited

Goodbye

Goodbye

Nicole

get

the

paperwork

started

to

syndicate

the

$

million

loan

to

the

Leclair

Group

When

Wayne

joins

us

next

week

the

first

thing

we

need

to

do

is

brief

him

completely

on

the

situation

He's

dealt

with

the

Weir

Corporation

before

We'll

pick

his

brains

and

let

him

know

his

holidays

are

over

Right

on

I'm

home

Hi

Did

you

have

a

good

day

Fine

Could

you

make

me

a

cup

of

tea

 

 

Come

in

Thank

you

Thank

you

You're

a

man

Be

patient

with

me

It's

been

a

while

I'm

rusty

at

this

Okay

You're

a

man

What

would

you

expect

if

a

woman

invited

you

over

for

dinner

I

shouldn't

have

dinner

with

him

alone

right

Not

here

no

Absolutely

not

Under

no

circumstances

whatsoever

He's

waiting

for

me

to

make

the

first

move

You

must

never

do

that

I

don't

want

to

put

him

off

completely

I

like

him

Like

him

How

could

you

possibly

like

him

Don't

be

ridiculous

You

hardly

know

him

 

He's

very

goodlooking

 

Well

looks

aren't

everything

It's

what's

inside

that

counts

Where'd

you

meet

this

jerk

guy

anyway

 

 

Well

listen

to

me

please

Very

important

Never

get

involved

with

anyone

you

work

with

 

 

But

he

doesn't

work

for

the

same

office

so

it's

all

right

It's

not

the

"if"

it's

the

"when"

It's

not

the

"if"

I

just

need

more

time

before

I

get

too

involved

Yeah

like

years

You

better

cancel

this

supper

I

can't

do

that

It's

for

tomorrow

night

Well

then

you

better

invite

a

crowd

and

diffuse

the

issue

That's

the

answer

Thank

you

John

You're

welcome

How

am

I

going

to

invite

eight

people

to

dinner

if

I

have

to

work

That's

a

good

question

Well

you

wouldn't

mind

doing

it

would

you

I

know

you'd

do

a

wonderful

job

Please

You

speak

English

Look

I

got

to

make

a

big

supper

for

eight

people

and

I

have

no

time

to

lose

okay

I

want

to

start

with

some

champignons

à

Marie

I

think

that's

what

they

are

there

right

See

I

got

all

this

from

a

French

cookbook

I

don't

know

the

correct

pronunciations

but

so

you'll

have

to

give

me

a

hand

I

want

to

start

with

an

aperitif

as

well

okay

 

 

suggest

here

 

 

Yes

that's

eggs

en

gelée

Terrific

We'll

have

eight

of

those

too

okay

 

 

And

the

proper

wine

you

know

red

white

whatever

goes

with

the

meal

here

 

 

It

looks

terrific

Can

you

throw

enough

of

that

in

there

for

eight

people

And

some

bread

too

Pardon

monsieur

What

do

we

got

here

Look

at

all

this

 

qualify

as

a

"alouette"

 

Thierry's

goat

cheese

Terrific

We'll

have

enough

of

those

for

eight

people

okay

 

 

Now

this

is

all

to

go

To

carry

out

You

understand

Delivery

it

must

be

delivered

Comme

ça

Regarde

Delivery

Bon

CP

I

know

it's

short

notice

but

would

you

and

your

wife

like

to

come

and

have

dinner

this

evening

Marie

are

you

finished

eating

 

 

How'd

you

like

to

play

some

hideandseek

 

Goody

 

All

right

You

go

and

find

a

good

place

to

hide

I'll

count

to

real

loud

and

then

I'll

come

for

you

okay

Off

you

go

One

two

Four

Quickly

In

the

cuisine

La

cuisine

quickly

quick

Five

Six

Seven

Eight

Nine

Nine

and

a

half

Nine

and

three

quarters

And

 

Ready

or

not

here

I

come

I

wonder

where

that

little

girl

could

be

hiding

Let's

have

some

more

champagne

Is

that

my

glass

Thank

you

Come

have

some

more

 

 

Strawberries

check

 

 

Check

 

 

Check

 

That's

it

 

That's

it

 

Plates

 

We

need

eight

plates

Fits

perfectly

I

hope

you

don't

mind

me

asking

you

to

wear

it

No

no

It's

all

right

Good

Um

how

do

I

look

Fantastique

Do

I

really

look

okay

No

really

You

look

beautiful

It's

true

Mummy

Thank

you

sweetheart

Mwah

mwah

mwah

 

something

to

eat

 

Yes

Well

we're

just

waiting

for

Laurent

and

my

boss

and

I'll

get

it

No

no

I'll

get

it

I'll

get

it

I'll

get

it

 

Laurent

how

are

you

 

Good

evening

Nicole

 

 

They're

beautiful

I'm

delighted

you

could

come

And

is

your

business

close

to

Paris

 

 

 

CP

hello

 

Catherine

come

in

 

Hello

Nicole

 

 

Hello

Nicole

How

are

you

It's

so

nice

to

see

you

again

It

has

been

such

a

long

time

 

 

That's

okay

I'll

keep

it

 

 

All

right

Good

thank

you

Can

I

introduce

everybody

CP

you

know

Laurent

 

 

Mrs

Olivier

Laurent

Leclair

 

 

 

 

 

Everything's

fine

 

Why

don't

you

come

in

and

meet

everybody

No

ma'am

I

couldn't

do

that

I'm

on

duty

I

don't

like

him

Shh

It's

time

for

you

to

go

to

bed

young

lady

Come

on

say

good

night

 

Good

night

sweetheart

 

You

like

my

mother

don't

you

Come

on

off

to

bed

 

 

 

Good

night

sweetheart

 

Kids

Well

everything's

done

I'll

get

everybody

into

the

dining

room

and

you

can

serve

Serve

My

God

 

 

Listen

darling

Do

you

have

any

more

of

that

sticky

stuff

you

use

on

your

doll's

hair

And

that

kind

of

figures

can

only

mean

that

that

balance

of

trade

has

not

yet

reached

I'm

looking

forward

to

meeting

your

handyman

Nicole

Are

you

 

 

I'd

love

some

Laurent

He

doesn't

live

here

does

he

No

he

doesn't

That's

too

bad

don't

you

think

Business

opportunities

in

Japan

must

be

very

very

seriously

considered

in

light

of

 

all

right

John

 

Yes

ma'am

Fine

Let

me

give

you

an

example

Pardon

Hello

Hello

This

is

the

international

operator

calling

person

to

person

for

CP

Olivier

please

Just

a

minute

Right

in

here

Keys

Keys

John

 

 

Hello

yes

This

is

the

international

operator

I'm

sorry

we

were

cut

off

We

have

a

persontoperson

call

from

New

York

for

Mr

CP

Olivier

please

Thank

you

Pardon

monsieur

 

 

I

just

wanted

to

let

you

know

how

wonderful

the

meal

was

 

 

 

 

It's

my

pleasure

What

do

you

think

of

Laurent

He's

all

right

I

guess

if

you

like

that

kinda

guy

Nicole

there's

something

I'd

like

to

discuss

with

you

and

Laurent

He

always

wants

to

discuss

the

business

 

If

he

wasn't

my

boss

 

interest

rate

swaps

and

convertibles

What

do

you

know

about

convertible

bonds

Bonds

I

didn't

say

bonds

I

meant

convertible

automobiles

You

know

"beepbeep"

Yes

You

clean

you

cook

What

else

do

you

do

If

you

ever

have

a

free

moment

Can

I

help

you

Oui

madame

Oui

Please

Here

you

may

serve

the

coffee

Merci

madame

Yes

Merci

Merci

beaucoup

madame

I

think

he

is

gay

What

makes

you

say

that

 

really

wanna

know

 

Not

with

a

foot

pole

 

I

think

he

is

too

 

 

have

a

girlfriend

 

He's

working

on

it

Cooks

well

cleans

well

he'd

make

somebody

a

good

wife

What

a

stupid

sexist

thing

to

say

Sorry

 

He's

not

sorry

Don't

believe

him

 

if

he

is

gay

 

He's

not

He's

a

nice

man

and

he's

my

friend

That's

my

girl

Well

we

should

be

going

It

was

a

lovely

evening

really

Maybe

I

can

borrow

John

sometime

Let's

go

CP

Until

tomorrow

Laurent

Good

night

CP

 

Get

some

sleep

Nicole

 

Dear

Thank

you

Have

fun

you

two

Right

God

he's

a

boring

old

fart

Excuse

me

 

 

anything

else

ma'am

Thank

you

for

a

wonderful

evening

You're

quite

welcome

ma'am

May

I

pour

you

some

coffee

 

May

I

get

you

a

cab

sir

 

No

thank

you

Um

John

why

don't

you

run

along

home

No

ma'am

I

couldn't

do

that

Not

yet

I've

got

a

pile

of

dishes

pots

and

pans

in

the

kitchen

 

 

Well

you

can

do

them

in

the

morning

No

no

It's

against

my

principles

 

I'd

be

derelict

in

my

duty

 

It's

been

a

lovely

dinner

Now

why

don't

you

run

along

home

No

I

couldn't

do

that

sir

It

would

be

like

leaving

the

scene

of

a

crime

 

Don't

wear

out

your

welcome

 

That

goes

for

you

too

buster

 

We'll

have

some

more

coffee

John

 

Yes

ma'am

And

I'll

talk

to

you

in

the

morning

He's

married

Of

course

he's

married

What

am

I

thinking

Look

at

me

I'm

a

grown

woman

I'm

decentlooking

and

here

I

am

I'm

upset

like

a

teenager

Is

it

me

or

is

it

them

Is

it

too

much

to

expect

for

men

to

be

reasonably

honest

and

more

than

halfway

courteous

I

don't

think

it's

asking

too

much

I

really

don't

I

mean

look

at

me

I'm

alone

And

I

don't

like

being

alone

I'm

sorry

It's

not

your

problem

You're

the

only

man

I

know

who's

reliable

the

only

one

I

can

count

on

who

I

can

trust

Do

you

like

girls

Yes

Very

much

I

knew

it

I'm

not

upset

about

him

I'm

upset

about

me

You

guys

wanna

go

out

tonight

Mummy

Hang

on

hang

on

Mummy

 

on

my

shoulders

 

Yeah

Careful

Here

we

go

Atta

girl

Whoo

Hang

on

Here

we

go

Hold

on

tight

Home

again

home

again

Come

on

off

to

bed

Come

on

off

we

go

Good

night

sweetheart

That's

my

favorite

phrase

How

do

you

say

it

 

 

Une

Cree

Kweeyere

 

 

I

have

something

to

go

ahead

 

 

Look

It's

possible

that

in

the

not

too

distant

future

you

might

find

some

reason

not

to

like

me

very

much

Why

Well

it's

possible

I

mean

anything's

possible

right

And

before

that

possibility

I

just

want

you

to

know

that

I

am

wildly

and

hopelessly

and

irresponsibly

in

love

with

you

And

I

can

see

I've

had

a

profound

effect

You

know

I

I

I

can't

get

involved

with

someone

who

works

for

me

No

of

course

not

Good

night

Good

night

John

You

live

here

So

this

is

where

you

live

You

are

full

of

surprises

aren't

you

 

You

don't

do

anything

illegal

do

you

 

You

can

afford

this

on

what

I

pay

you

No

of

course

not

Look

I've

been

trying

to

tell

you

something

 

 

I'm

crazy

about

you

Really

What

did

you

want

to

tell

me

Um

it's

family

money

I

came

down

here

to

tell

you

something

What's

that

You're

fired

Don't

let

me

fall

asleep

here

Wake

up

you

gorgeous

example

of

male

physiognomy

Get

up

and

smile

It's

time

to

face

the

day

Wake

up

you

gorgeous

example

of

male

physiognomy

Go

on

wipe

the

sleep

from

your

dozy

little

peepers

Get

up

and

smile

 

It's

time

to

face

the

day

 

Does

this

happen

every

 

each

morning

 

Marie

Marie

Celebrate

the

dawn

of

new

opportunities

fresh

horizons

bold

adventures

A

multitude

of

life's

little

surprises

awaits

you

Take

heart

Rise

to

the

occasion

Get

up

Anthony

Wayne

It's

:

am

 

Wake

up

you

gorgeous

example

of

male

physiognomy

 

Go

on

wipe

the

sleep

from

your

dozy

little

peepers

 

Get

up

and

smile

 

It's

time

to

face

the

day

 

begins

anew

each

morning

 

I

don't

believe

it

Celebrate

the

dawn

of

new

opportunities

 

You're

a

bastard

 

can

explain

everything

Morning

How

are

you

Hello

Let's

get

a

few

things

straight

I

usually

start

with

"hello"

I

find

it

helps

relax

the

person

I'm

trying

to

talk

to

I'm

not

joking

There's

nothing

funny

about

this

situation

I've

tried

to

call

you

 

times

You

have

compromised

my

integrity

and

my

position

here

And

I

have

left

 

million

messages

for

you

 

I

don't

know

how

I'm

gonna

work

with

you

 

I've

tried

to

explain

You've

made

me

into

a

laughingstock

 

Look

it

was

just

a

bad

joke

gone

wrong

 

You

have

humiliated

me

It

only

went

wrong

so

wildly

wrong

You

come

in

here

to

push

me

out

of

my

job

 

and

ridiculously

wrong

 

You

are

a

complete

and

utter

because

I

love

you

It's

not

good

enough

There

you

are

Have

you

two

met

I

don't

think

I

can

work

with

him

CP

But

you

just

met

him

This

is

unreasonable

Nicole

And

what

about

this

advertisement

That's

a

bit

of

an

oversight

You're

still

the

head

too

So

there

are

two

heads

 

That's

right

 

You're

entitled

to

your

own

opinion

but

when

we

meet

with

Leclair

at

noon

keep

it

to

yourself

We're

meeting

with

Leclair

at

noon

today

Weir

Industries

just

announced

their

intention

to

buy

the

Leclair

Services

Group

Hello

CP

I

need

to

talk

to

you

about

this

What

What

I've

been

through

the

Leclair

accounts

and

Hello

Laurent

Yes

we

are

on

for

noon

 

 

at

the

meeting

I

don't

think

that's

going

to

be

a

problem

Laurent

but

we'll

have

to

act

fast

 

 

I

need

you

to

look

over

the

Leclair

accounts

 

an

appointment

 

What

I'm

terribly

sorry

I'm

busy

right

now

and

I

don't

have

a

secretary

yet

But

when

I

get

one

you

can

arrange

an

appointment

with

her

or

him

Don't

you

start

with

me

I'm

the

one

who's

the

victim

in

this

sordid

little

fiasco

That's

right

You

hit

the

nail

right

on

the

head

You

are

the

victim

Now

what

can

I

do

for

you

Weir

Industries

have

made

an

offer

for

the

Leclair

Group

We

have

a

meeting

with

Laurent

Leclair

at

noon

He'll

be

so

pleased

to

see

you

He

loves

your

cooking

Nicole

I'm

I'm

sorry

if

you

think

I

led

you

on

Could

we

leave

our

little

personal

problems

behind

I'm

here

to

do

business

Mr

Leclair

this

is

Anthony

Wayne

my

colleague

How

do

you

do

sir

May

I

get

you

some

coffee

I

want

them

stopped

I

want

the

present

management

kept

in

place

Let's

do

whatever

is

necessary

to

defend

this

company

Nicole

have

you

prepared

a

strategy

for

how

we

should

go

forward

I

have

a

recommendation

Are

you

going

to

share

it

with

us

In

order

for

us

to

make

a

competitive

bid

with

the

shareholders

I

estimate

that

we

need

in

the

vicinity

of

$

million

which

we

could

try

and

arrange

through

an

month

bridge

loan

However

I

do

think

we

should

talk

privately

What

is

it

Um

I

don't

think

we

should

take

this

course

What

course

would

you

recommend

I

would

recommend

 

 

There's

no

deal

to

be

done

here

 

We

can't

help

you

Leclair

 

What

The

Leclair

Group

is

carrying

too

much

debt

Your

pending

contracts

aren't

"take

or

pay"

There's

just

too

much

risk

here

for

us

to

get

involved

Your

personal

feelings

are

getting

in

the

way

No

Can

we

leave

our

little

personal

problems

at

home

I'm

here

to

do

business

 

Cheap

shot

Leclair

 

Laurent

let

me

assure

you

that

Monsieur

Olivier

I'll

give

you

until

tomorrow

to

make

a

decision

on

whether

I

can

count

on

your

institution

to

support

me

or

whether

I

should

take

my

business

elsewhere

 

 

But

What

did

you

think

you

were

doing

 

 

But

Anthony

take

it

over

immediately

I

want

to

see

you

both

in

my

office

in

five

minutes

Ms

Chantrelle

Miss

Nicole

I

see

you

take

your

maid

with

you

everywhere

What

you

just

did

to

me

in

there

was

inexcusable

I

did

what

I

thought

was

right

You

did

what

you

thought

would

get

you

even

not

what

you

thought

was

right

You'll

change

your

mind

tomorrow

I

don't

think

so

Well

if

you

don't

I

shall

tell

your

boss

and

my

friend

CP

Olivier

that

you

slept

with

me

wanted

me

to

leave

my

wife

which

of

course

I

couldn't

do

and

are

now

trying

to

get

even

And

I'll

also

mention

the

curious

double

life

of

your

colleague

 

 

CP

you

are

behaving

unreasonably

You're

not

giving

me

a

chance

to

explain

myself

Has

anyone

done

the

numbers

on

this

company

I've

done

them

We

have

a

long

and

good

relationship

with

Leclair

 

 

Look

Ms

Chantrelle's

been

working

long

and

hard

on

this

account

and

I

think

we

should

support

her

Obviously

a

little

too

hard

Nicole

I'm

amazed

that

you

have

let

your

personal

life

cloud

your

judgment

Anthony

I

expect

a

full

and

complete

recommendation

tomorrow

morning

But

I

don't

know

the

numbers

Ms

Chantrelle

will

take

you

through

them

For

the

future

if

you

want

to

have

one

here

it's

bad

policy

to

get

involved

with

people

you

work

with

You

do

everything

you

can

to

help

Mr

Wayne

That's

all

Look

we're

stuck

with

each

other

on

this

deal

so

why

don't

you

just

let

me

help

you

out

I

haven't

forgotten

what

you

did

I

don't

imagine

you

have

But

in

the

interests

of

work

I'll

put

it

aside

okay

 

 

get

started

What

are

we

gonna

do

about

it

Get

ready

for

a

showdown

But

first

things

first

 

Where's

Wayne

 

Um

I

don't

know

 

this

meeting

 

Yes

he

does

Laurent

let

me

reassure

you

that

we

have

reevaluated

our

opinion

Well

that's

good

to

hear

I

thought

you

might

 

 

So

Ms

Chantrelle

do

you

feel

that

the

necessary

finance

that

the

Leclair

Services

Group

needs

is

now

available

to

us

Well

Good

morning

Very

sorry

I'm

late

Ms

Chantrelle

and

I

were

up

half

the

night

reevaluating

the

numbers

on

the

Leclair

Services

Group

and

we

discovered

some

very

revealing

facts

and

figures

Then

I

called

a

few

friends

in

New

York

this

morning

and

had

our

suspicions

confirmed

It's

all

here

May

I

sir

Thank

you

Ms

Chantrelle

was

absolutely

correct

in

recommending

refusal

for

the

Leclair

Group

loan

In

fact

sir

she

may

have

helped

save

this

institution

from

a

financial

disaster

 

saying

Wayne

 

Just

this

sir

Our

friend

here

wants

to

borrow

a

lot

of

money

from

this

institution

using

only

his

charm

as

collateral

Now

you

can't

blame

him

for

trying

but

if

he

succeeds

it

will

not

be

the

first

time

he's

helped

ruin

a

financial

institution

and

gotten

away

with

it

What

the

hell

are

you

talking

about

Several

years

ago

you

managed

to

charm

a

ton

of

cash

away

from

certain

savings

and

loan

institutions

in

the

United

States

 

 

That's

a

good

word

for

it

Monsieur

you

are

a

very

poor

risk

and

I

strongly

support

Ms

Chantrelle's

recommendation

I'm

sorry

Laurent

It's

nothing

personal

You'll

regret

this

CP

may

I

speak

to

you

alone

for

a

minute

Laurent

I

will

keep

in

touch

I

just

wanted

you

to

know

I

looked

through

your

numbers

you

prepared

on

Leclair

You

were

absolutely

right

to

hold

the

line

Thank

you

CP

Yes

Well

I

guess

I

was

wrong

the

way

I

treated

you

I'm

I'm

sorry

You

probably

know

already

but

Anthony

Wayne

has

quit

I

think

he's

going

back

to

New

York

There's

only

one

head

to

Mergers

and

Acquisitions

now

I'm

lucky

to

have

you

I

want

you

to

know

that

Your

daughter's

on

your

private

line

She

wants

to

know

when

you'll

be

home

for

dinner

Hello

darling

I'm

coming

right

home

Hi

 

 

 

 

Pension

Services

please

Thank

you

Mr

Moses

please

hold

for

your

representative

Hi

this

is

Sarah

It's

Frank

Moses

Hey

Frank

What's

going

on

Not

much

I

just

called

because

they

didn't

send

that

check

out

again

Oh

I

can't

believe

they

haven't

worked

this

out

by

now

I'll

make

sure

they

send

another

one

out

today

I'm

so

sorry

Well

what

are

you

gonna

do

So

how's

your

avocado

It's

got

two

green

leaves

on

it

Yay

I

told

you

you

could

grow

something

Well

it

was

pretty

close

It

was

life

or

death

I'm

not

kidding

It

could

have

gone

either

way

How's

your

day

going

My

day

My

day

sucks

Your

day

sucks

Yeah

Right

now

I

just

want

to

travel

I'm

thinking

Chile

Sounds

like

an

adventure

I

don't

know

You

ever

been

to

Chile

Yeah

You

have

What's

it

like

Mountains

That's

it

Well

it

was

night

I

It

was

Look

I

gotta

go

Okay

Sure

No

sorry

it's

just

Gladys

What

It

was

night

Hi

Mr

Moses

Hi

 

 

And

what's

it

called

It's

called

Love's

Savage

Secret

Nice

Is

it

any

good

It's

terrible

I

love

it

It's

awful

It's

about

this

fashion

designer

and

his

supermodel

girlfriend

and

they

get

recruited

by

the

CIA

to

stop

an

assassination

at

the

Milan

spring

shows

Well

who

doesn't

like

Milan

in

the

spring

I

guess

Anyway

I

gotta

do

something

for

excitement

My

landlady

keeps

trying

to

set

me

up

with

her

bridge

partners'

kids

She

just

told

me

she

thinks

I'm

gay

I

try

not

to

judge

What

Shut

up

I'm

not

gay

So

here's

something

weird

I'm

actually

gonna

be

in

Kansas

City

next

week

In

person

Mmmhmm

Wow

That

could

be

a

bad

idea

It

could

be

You

still

there

Yeah

Yeah

Why

don't

you

call

me

when

you

get

to

town

Or

Yeah

Okay

Bye

Okay

bye

Okay

All

right

Come

in

Unit

One

Come

in

Unit

One

Unit

One

respond

Don't

you

know

I

got

to

find

me

a

home

Right

now

in

your

heart

I'll

travel

over

miles

Hey

aren't

you

going

to

invite

me

in

No

I

don't

think

so

But

I

bought

you

dinner

Wow

Wow

Wow

And

you

live

with

your

mother

Awesome

Yeah

of

course

You

have

no

job

You

mister

are

not

getting

any

of

this

Hey

It's

me

Frank

The

avocado

Why

are

you

here

Get

out

of

my

house

Hey

 

I'm

not

gonna

hurt

you

Would

you

just

listen

to

me

Please

Stop

that

Get

back

Go

away

Stay

away

from

me

Is

that

my

bag

Yeah

You

packed

it

Yes

Did

you

vacuum

A

little

yeah

it

was

messy

Get

back

Get

out

Please

We

have

to

leave

Right

now

Stop

it

Help

Help

Hey

Just

listen

to

me

please

 

Help

What

are

you

doing

Listen

to

me

Intruder

Help

They've

been

trying

to

kill

you

too

Why

would

anyone

want

to

kill

me

Because

we've

been

under

surveillance

They've

been

listening

to

our

conversations

Why

Because

of

the

way

I

talk

to

you

What

They

know

I

like

you

Listen

to

me

Right

now

Out

the

back

door

No

way

No

Don't

get

me

wrong

I

know

it's

crazy

Don't

think

that

I

don't

think

this

is

crazy

And

it

couldn't

be

more

different

than

how

I'd

hoped

to

meet

you

for

the

first

time

But

sometimes

things

happen

And

I

just

hope

that

someday

you

and

I

could

be

sitting

somewhere

comfortably

and

look

back

on

this

as

the

great

big

adventure

that

it

is

I'm

a

little

hungry

too

What

should

we

get

Pizza

Listen

hon

Yeah

lots

of

boys

get

bullied

at

school

I

know

but

you

can't

solve

it

by

intervening

like

that

No

I

don't

agree

with

you

I

know

it's

hard

I'll

talk

to

him

about

it

when

I

get

home

Mmmhmm

No

I

should

be

on

time

tonight

Milk

two

percent

Okay

love

you

bye

Listen

I

can

make

you

rich

Don't

you

know

who

I

am

Of

course

I

do

This

is

off

the

books

Total

blackout

Yes

ma'am

There's

your

target

Retired

analyst

He

was

CIA

Is

that

a

problem

No

The

spark

in

your

eye

sets

my

soul

on

fire

Your

voice

is

like

a

angel

above

The

touch

of

your

hand

woman

Drives

me

insane

But

baby

I

want

to

be

loved

Sorry

Wow

If

you

let

me

go

now

I

won't

press

charges

There's

no

hard

feelings

We're

way

past

charges

How

do

I

always

attract

losers

like

you

I

was

in

the

CIA

Yeah

I

bet

you

were

I'll

bet

you're

a

spy

I

have

to

go

see

someone

now

You're

just

gonna

make

me

sit

here

Like

this

You

couldn't

be

safer

No

one

knows

where

you

are

Oh

no

Don't

do

it

 

Don't

please

I

don't

want

it

Sorry

sorry

sorry

Your

eyes

are

so

beautiful

Want

to

watch

TV

Be

back

soon

Is

that

thing

acting

up

again

Oh

hi

Marna

yeah

Give

it

a

rap

will

ya

See

if

you

could

get

it

going

for

me

Of

course

I

don't

know

why

you

don't

fix

this

old

thing

Better

picture

 

 

Yeah

That's

just

perfect

Thank

you

very

much

Marna

Unbelievable

Should

be

ashamed

of

yourself

It's

nice

to

see

you

kid

It's

good

to

see

you

too

So

what's

up

Met

a

girl

No

Complicated

Got

a

visit

from

a

wet

team

At

my

house

hours

ago

Did

you

ID

any

of

them

Kinda

This

used

to

be

a

gentleman's

game

And

you

know

I

love

you

Bye

Independent

South

African

hit

team

suspected

of

killing

a

New

York

Times

reporter

Stephanie

Chan

You

know

her

No

Somebody

has

a

serious

hardon

for

you

kid

Yeah

But

why

now

I'm

retired

Just

have

to

dig

some

more

Watch

your

back

too

I'm

years

old

I

got

stage

liver

cancer

 

 

Well

I

never

thought

this

would

happen

to

me

What

Getting

old

I

mean

Vietnam

Afghanistan

Green

Springs

Rest

Home

Go

figure

So

Moses

made

calls

to

Pension

Services

and

that

didn't

stand

out

to

you

Unbelievable

Hoorah

Have

Endercott

intercept

the

girl

at

the

Hotel

Capri

Hey

Mike

change

of

plans

She's

just

fine

I

can

take

you

home

Oh

I

gotta

take

you

down

to

the

station

first

to

get

your

statement

Then

there's

a

couple

of

federal

guys

that

are

gonna

want

to

talk

to

you

I

gotta

say

I

think

you're

pretty

amazing

for

breaking

free

and

keeping

it

together

like

you

did

That's

impressive

I'm

gonna

go

back

and

get

my

purse

I

can

have

somebody

bring

it

downtown

for

you

Get

in

the

car

Ow

Let

me

go

You're

hurting

me

Am

I

gonna

die

No

You

just

need

some

sleep

I

may

vomit

Wow

this

is

just

like

Love's

Savage

Secret

I

am

high

You

have

such

beautiful

green

eyes

Wow

You

really

are

CIA

Officer

down

Corner

of

North

Peters

and

Conti

Suspect

is

a

white

male

s

black

suit

and

a

tie

driving

a

black

Tahoe

Freeze

Put

your

weapon

on

the

ground

Put

your

weapon

on

the

ground

now

Right

now

So

you're

saying

this

was

CIA

sanctioned

All

right

Thelma

thanks

I

owe

you

one

Bye

So

it's

like

that

huh

Yeah

It's

like

that

Where

are

we

How

did

we

get

to

New

York

City

Wow

I

really

hate

you

right

now

I

was

just

hoping

you'd

be

a

little

more

understanding

of

the

situation

I

was

hoping

not

to

get

kidnapped

Or

drugged

I

was

hoping

you'd

have

hair

So

it

looks

like

none

of

our

dreams

are

coming

true

at

the

moment

Sorry

about

that

Thanks

for

saving

me

I

guess

No

problem

Not

my

best

first

date

Not

my

worst

either

Until

we

find

out

who's

trying

to

kill

us

you're

gonna

have

to

stay

with

me

For

how

long

I

don't

know

Whoever's

trying

to

kill

us

also

killed

a

New

York

Times

reporter

She

used

to

live

in

Chinatown

Okay

Here

we

go

Let's

come

in

here

Right

here

Wait

a

second

 

Oh

no

No

you

said

we

were

just

gonna

talk

to

her

We

are

This'll

help

 

 

You

can't

just

go

around

duct

taping

everyone

People

are

basically

kind

of

decent

That

hasn't

always

been

my

experience

Let

me

try

and

talk

to

her

 

 

They

told

me

to

be

patient

The

police

have

done

nothing

They

said

it

was

just

a

burglary

but

nothing

was

missing

She

was

scared

We're

hoping

we

can

do

more

You

worked

with

my

Stephanie

She

sent

me

this

I

got

it

in

the

mail

on

the

day

she

died

What

does

this

mean

I

don't

know

I

tried

dialing

the

numbers

Police

had

no

idea

Where

did

Stephanie

go

to

college

Why

are

we

here

again

Those

numbers

on

Stephanie

Chan's

postcard

are

actually

a

call

number

for

a

book

Call

numbers

start

with

letters

In

the

Library

of

Congress

yeah

In

HarvardYenching

it's

a

classification

for

Asian

literature

How

could

you

possibly

know

that

You

speak

Chinese

Unbelievable

Hank

Maestriano

died

weeks

ago

Car

crash

Daniel

McGinty

Heart

attack

Last

week

But

if

this

is

a

hit

list

why

is

this

guy

still

alive

Gabriel

Singer

Flies

cargo

planes

That's

a

good

question

Hell

of

a

mess

Come

on

Joe

Matheson

please

Hold

on

Marna

Hello

What

Joe

Frank

Moses

is

not

a

retired

analyst

who's

never

worked

in

the

field

This

guy

has

a

history

That's

a

file

number

You

need

to

visit

the

back

room

You're

going

to

meet

the

Records

Keeper

I

didn't

even

know

this

place

existed

It

doesn't

Ah

Frank

Moses'

file

You

gotta

be

kidding

me

Frank

Moses

was

one

of

the

most

effective

black

op

agents

we've

ever

had

He

retired

druglords

terrorists

Hell

he

toppled

governments

Yeah

He

was

truly

gifted

Why

was

he

retired

He

got

old

Then

some

thumbsucker

came

along

and

tagged

him

"RED"

Red

 

Yeah

RED

RED

 

Extremely

Dangerous"

Yeah

Yeah

They

don't

make

them

like

that

anymore

Thanks

I'm

gonna

need

a

data

haunt

Every

flak

he

was

ever

involved

in

Every

agent

he's

ever

run

I

want

NSA

telephone

surveillance

voice

recognition

We

have

to

find

Marvin

Boggs

Marvin

died

two

years

ago

in

a

fire

Yeah

Marvin

has

died

many

times

Oh

can

we

have

that

one

Wow

All

we

need

is

a

banjo

Keep

your

voice

down

Don't

make

any

sudden

moves

Just

stay

close

to

me

Don't

use

your

cell

phone

 

Don't

talk

about

cell

phones

Don't

talk

about

satellites

Seriously

Why

are

you

trying

to

kill

me

I'm

not

trying

to

kill

you

Oh

yeah

You

are

Why

would

I

be

trying

to

kill

you

Because

the

last

time

we

met

I

tried

to

kill

you

That

was

a

long

time

ago

Some

people

hold

on

to

things

like

that

I'm

not

trying

to

kill

you

Okay

So

that

makes

us

friends

Right

Right

Good

You

wanna

take

that

knife

out

of

my

balls

now

Who

is

she

Sarah

She's

not

trying

to

kill

you

either

Yeah

Hi

I

don't

stay

in

the

open

Come

on

I'll

show

you

the

house

What's

that

Decoy

He

lives

in

a

car

Come

on

in

Why

do

you

live

here

when

you

have

the

other

place

Let's

put

it

this

way

When

the

helicopter

passed

over

the

house

last

year

and

I

could

feel

their

eyes

on

me

Wet

like

peaches

I

have

a

list

here

It

was

written

by

a

reporter

who's

now

dead

Along

with

everyone

whose

names

are

on

that

list

Well

almost

everyone

Frank

how

many

times

have

I

told

you

You

cannot

trust

the

system

I

told

you

when

you're

in

the

system

they

switch

the

flip

and

you're

done

Man

satellites

cell

phones

chips

net

the

web

the

dentist

Marvin

That

list

is

the

one

we

need

help

with

Yeah

I

gotta

check

the

files

Of

course

you

do

Thanks

man

Wow

This

guy's

insane

Well

he

thought

he

was

the

subject

of

a

secret

government

mind

control

project

This'll

take

a

minute

Sure

As

it

turns

out

he

really

was

being

given

daily

doses

of

LSD

for

years

In

that

case

he

looks

great

Yeah

 

Got

it

Guatemala

Fall

 

Five

of

the

guys

on

this

list

were

there

not

including

us

San

Benito

Just

outside

Injun

territory

Yeah

Was

a

little

village

Everybody

was

killed

Civilians

They

told

us

"Go

in

there

Clean

it

up

Make

it

look

like

it

never

happened

You

think

everyone

on

this

list

was

there

Damn

it

Damn

it

Do

you

know

what's

wrong

with

this

country

They're

all

trying

to

kill

us

Exactly

Is

there

anybody

still

alive

on

that

list

Gabriel

Singer

Frank

I

never

thought

I'd

say

this

again

I

am

getting

the

pig

Who's

she

talking

to

Just

take

it

easy

Frank

we

gotta

get

rid

of

this

broad

I

know

a

great

place

just

up

the

road

Lots

of

alligators

We're

not

getting

rid

of

the

broad

I

like

her

Okay

What's

the

angle

No

angle

I

like

her

Okay

So

they

pull

her

voice

from

the

pay

phone

probably

right

now

install

the

recognition

software

and

backtrace

it

to

Singer

So

then

we

show

up

they

bring

out

the

satellite

and

we're

fried

with

Yrays

How

you

doing

Good

fine

November

niner

 

Wow

Singer

is

going

to

be

in

Mobile

tomorrow

We

can

catch

him

at

the

airfreight

terminal

How

about

that

The

Sunset

Limited

with

service

to

New

Orleans

Houston

Tucson

and

Los

Angeles

now

boarding

platform

five

It's

the

final

boarding

call

for

the

eastbound

express

No

please

No

You

smell

like

Washington

Who

do

you

work

for

Coldwell

Banker

I'm

a

real

estate

agent

Please

don't

hurt

me

No

no

Who

do

you

work

for

 

 

Marvin

Whoa

Frank

she's

one

of

them

She's

been

following

us

There's

a

camera

in

her

bag

I'm

gonna

kill

her

now

No

please

don't

kill

Don't

let

him

kill

me

Please

Marvin

just

wait

would

you

please

Marvin

Look

Marvin

No

camera

in

the

bag

Go

ma'am

now

Now

Get

a

car

Try

not

to

kill

anyone

She

was

following

us

Frank

Sorry

"She

has

a

camera

in

her

purse

we

have

to

kill

her"

Seriously

See

you

in

a

minute

Gabriel

Right

Gabriel

Singer

What's

this

about

Guatemala

San

Benito

I

can't

talk

to

you

Pair

beats

ace

I

got

one

for

you

What

did

this

twicedecorated

west

Texas

Jewboy

Marine

pilot

say

to

the

Chinese

New

York

Times

reporter

I

give

up

Nothing

I

didn't

tell

her

a

damn

thing

The

reporter's

dead

now

And

everyone

she

spoke

to

is

either

dead

or

a

target

That

includes

you

Oh

Christ

They

had

me

fly

this

guy

out

there

in

the

dead

of

night

Hairy

little

airstrip

in

the

middle

of

nowhere

He

was

CIA

some

dorky

little

spook

in

a

suit

and

tie

Remember

that

guy

 

 

He

picked

up

a

package

and

I

flew

him

back

out

What

was

the

package

It

wasn't

a

what

It

was

a

who

Frank

Frank

It's

that

helicopter

We're

in

an

airport

So

It's

the

same

helicopter

November

niner

Charlie

November

niner

Charlie

See

Frank

November

niner

 

Is

that

a

 

This

is

a

Charlie

Is

that

a

What

is

that

I'll

tell

you

what

it

is

I

told

you

she

shouldn't

have

made

that

phone

call

We

lost

visual

on

target

All

right

Shake

the

tree

You'll

pay

for

the

breakage

Yeah

Roger

that

That's

right

old

man

 

 

Can

I

kill

her

now

She

called

me

an

old

man

Pig

Open

the

pig

Okay

Grenade

Damn

satellites

Boop

to

that

Yeah

you

just

stay

right

there

This

is

gonna

be

good

 

 

Come

on

come

on

Hey

All

right

What

are

you

doing

Old

man

my

ass

God

damn

it

 

Signal's

fading

Nice

shot

 

 

You

really

know

how

to

show

a

girl

a

good

time

Frank

I

will

kill

you

Marvin

Take

it

easy

man

She

likes

you

How

can

you

tell

Notice

how

she

sticks

around

'Cause

if

women

don't

like

you

they

don't

stick

around

She

doesn't

have

much

of

a

choice

Does

she

Sure

she

does

Really

You

think

so

You

know

if

it

is

the

CIA

then

there's

only

one

place

that

we

can

go

to

find

out

why

they're

coming

after

us

Yeah

We're

gonna

get

killed

there

for

sure

In

or

out

No

Of

course

I'm

in

I'm

just

saying

We're

gonna

need

some

serious

help

This

is

not

the

kind

of

help

I

meant

Frank

You're

not

actually

gonna

go

in

there

are

you

I

don't

think

I

can

go

Frank

The

last

time

they

put

some

electrical

wires

in

some

not

very

nice

places

Listen

hang

onto

that

for

me

I'll

be

right

back

Hey

Be

careful

Tell

Ivan

Simanov

that

Frank

Moses

is

Frank

Moses

is

here

to

see

him

I

have

to

say

this

is

the

last

thing

I

expected

when

I

got

up

this

morning

I

have

many

times

dreamed

of

killing

you

But

now

you

are

Couple

of

years

now

Time

passes

As

we

get

older

things

seem

less

important

Still

I

owe

you

for

killing

Igor

 

 

 

 

I'm

sorry

To

Igor

The

Butcher

He's

not

dead

I

flipped

him

No

He

owns

a

string

of

Elevens

in

Orange

County

He

weighs

pounds

Drink

Who

are

we

drinking

to

now

Veronique

She

was

mine

 

Yes

Whatever

she

got

it

was

worth

it

I

miss

the

old

days

I

haven't

killed

anyone

in

years

That's

sad

But

I

think

you

are

not

here

for

the

vodka

I'm

going

to

break

into

the

CIA

I

need

your

complete

security

layout

of

Langley

Cracks

Codes

ID

swipes

All

of

it

Amusing

as

this

would

be

it

is

beyond

my

reach

A

favor

from

Frank

Moses

I

can't

believe

you're

actually

letting

me

come

along

The

badges

Ivan

gave

us

are

for

a

General

Harlow

and

a

female

nuclear

physicist

from

Los

Alamos

Sheniqua

Johnson

You're

adopted

Okay

This

is

so

cool

 

 

 

Freeze

The

General

has

dropped

his

contact

lens

Perhaps

you'd

like

to

help

us

Sorry

Found

it

I

found

it

I

found

it

Have

a

good

day

sir

Gentlemen

My

God

What

do

you

suppose

the

punishment

is

for

what

we're

doing

here

Death

Maybe

life

in

prison

Awesome

Why

are

you

holding

that

button

The

Russians

give

you

the

code

No

Changes

every

six

hours

Will

you

hold

that

for

me

for

a

second

Yeah

It's

unbreakable

Wow

Come

on

Mr

Moses

Been

a

long

time

I'm

gonna

need

to

see

that

Guatemala

file

Guatemala

 

 

I

think

I

can

help

you

Great

It's

been

a

whole

new

world

around

here

since

you

left

Guatemala

You

know

you're

gonna

catch

hell

for

this

After

what

I've

seen

Oh

I

should

tell

you

there's

a

new

guy

came

down

here

yesterday

looking

for

your

file

Name

of

William

Cooper

'"

Cute

hair

Hair

was

cute

But

I

thought

he

looked

a

little

tough

though

You

take

good

care

of

yourself

Henry

You

too

Mr

Moses

Change

of

plan

Bad

move

Grandpa

I'm

back

I'm

back

in

the

saddle

again

I'm

back

I'm

back

in

the

saddle

again

Just

looks

completely

different

than

his

profile

picture

Peeling

off

my

boots

and

chaps

I'm

saddle

sore

Four

bits

gets

you

time

in

the

racks

I

scream

for

more

Fools'

gold

out

of

their

mines

The

girls

are

soaking

wet

Not

tongue's

drier

than

mine

I'll

come

when

I

get

back

Kordesky

trained

you

Yeah

I

trained

Kordesky

I'm

back

I'm

back

in

the

saddle

again

Son

of

a

bitch

Seal

the

building

Bald

white

male

s

wearing

white

shirt

blue

pants

shot

in

the

shoulder

Hi

We

should

go

We

should

go

now

I've

got

checkpoints

at

every

exit

What

about

the

fire

Shut

off

the

alarm

I

told

you

there

is

no

fire

 

No

this

is

just

a

diversion

You

make

sure

everyone

gets

checked

Help

help

Please

come

I

can't

stop

the

bleeding

You

okay

sir

Make

a

hole

Make

a

hole

Whoa

Hold

it

Let

me

see

him

It's

not

him

Yeah

yeah

Go

ahead

Fellas

help

me

out

here

Marvin

There's

still

something

wrong

with

this

guy's

head

Frank

You're

really

something

Joe

Marvin

you

okay

I

don't

want

to

talk

about

it

Joe

Joe

who

was

dead

Joe

 

 

Not

dead

Just

retired

I

guess

calling

wasn't

an

option

 

Yeah

You

let

yourself

get

shot

God

damn

it

Out

 

Thanks

Doc

What

did

he

get

I

have

no

idea

You

just

had

your

ass

handed

to

you

by

a

goddamn

retiree

What

did

he

do

What

did

Moses

do

to

earn

a

lethal

finding

I

have

not

been

read

into

it

I

like

you

Cooper

You're

ambitious

and

you

get

results

but

someone

just

kicked

in

the

front

door

of

our

house

so

you

better

get

your

shit

straight

Nothing

in

your

mission

is

changed

You're

still

bleeding

 

Must

have

nicked

something

in

there

This

is

so

bad

It's

not

that

bad

People

get

shot

all

the

time

No

they

don't

they

get

paper

cuts

I

mostly

get

shot

We're

gonna

have

to

find

somebody

to

plug

this

leak

Could

go

to

Eagle's

Nest

Huh

Then

we

all

get

shot

I'll

just

go

in

by

myself

Want

a

vest

Wouldn't

do

any

good

Frank

Moses

Hi

Victoria

Are

you

here

to

kill

me

No

You've

been

shot

Tell

Marvin

to

stand

down

before

he

gets

hurt

Who's

the

girl

She's

with

me

 

Joe

Oh

Vicky

Sexy

as

ever

You

old

snake

charmer

Sarah

this

is

Victoria

Best

wet

work

asset

in

the

business

And

a

true

artist

with

an

RPN

What's

that

I

kill

people

dear

You

were

lucky

How'd

you

do

it

 

How'd

you

make

the

transition

Here

you

seem

so

calm

At

ease

I

love

it

I

love

it

here

I

love

the

baking

I

love

the

flower

arranging

I

like

the

routine

Well

 

 

I

take

the

odd

contract

on

the

side

I

just

can't

stop

Yeah

Tell

me

about

it

You

can't

just

flip

a

switch

and

become

someone

else

Put

some

pressure

on

it

So

Tell

me

about

your

lady

friend

Makes

me

think

that

I

could

actually

have

a

life

A

real

life

Oh

Francis

you're

such

a

romantic

What

A

romantic

It's

why

I've

always

been

so

fond

of

you

Victoria

You're

all

hard

on

the

outside

but

you

are

You

are

gooey

on

the

inside

Gooey

The

entire

back

half

of

the

Guatemala

file

has

been

blacked

out

But

there's

a

list

names

Plus

one

that's

been

redacted

All

dead

Except

for

Frank

and

Marvin

All

the

names

on

the

reporter's

list

are

in

the

file

too

but

she

has

an

additional

name

Alexander

Dunning

Somebody's

protecting

him

Dunning

is

the

CEO

of

BrowningOrvis

Gangsters

Defense

contractor

Very

connected

If

the

CIA

is

protecting

him

he's

under

surveillance

We

could

go

see

him

You're

not

going

without

me

Well

We're

getting

the

band

back

together

That's

nice

Yeah

We

just

got

a

tip

RED

has

a

new

target

A

tip

FBI's

on

the

scene

I'm

on

my

way

The

FBI

has

a

lookout

position

on

the

east

perimeter

Copy

that

Alexander

Dunning

Pleasure

to

see

you

Secretary

Baptiste

The

pleasure

is

with

me

They're

in

Frank

said

you

wanted

me

with

you

Yes

I

thought

it

might

be

nice

to

have

a

bit

of

girl

time

together

Get

to

know

each

other

And

I

just

wanted

to

tell

you

that

in

all

the

years

I've

known

Francis

I've

never

seen

him

like

this

So

if

you

break

his

heart

I

will

kill

you

And

bury

your

body

in

the

woods

Wow

Okay

Oh

this

is

gonna

be

fun

Here

at

BrowningOrvis

we

have

a

longstanding

commitment

to

humanitarian

causes

because

exemplary

corporate

citizenship

is

our

highest

calling

As

a

company

with

global

reach

and

global

interests

we

have

global

responsibilities

Now

sometimes

I'm

asked

if

this

commitment

to

ethical

behavior

affects

the

bottom

line

And

my

answer

is

always

the

same

Yes

It

makes

it

stronger

This

is

my

safe

room

Soundproofed

Reinforced

Swept

for

bugs

daily

You

could

fire

a

gun

in

here

No

one

would

ever

know

Mr

Dunning

I

cannot

imagine

a

more

perfect

place

to

conduct

our

business

You

do

know

that

there's

a

surcharge

for

any

arms

deliveries

to

countries

that

are

embargoed

by

the

United

Nations

For

every

problem

monsieur

there

is

a

solution

Excuse

me

Mmmhmm

What

are

How

many

CEOs

can

say

that

So

how

did

you

guys

meet

We

started

talking

on

the

phone

I

guess

I

liked

that

it

wasn't

real

Of

course

now

I'm

a

fugitive

the

CIA

wants

to

kill

me

and

I'm

hiding

in

a

hole

I

was

in

love

with

an

agent

once

What

happened

Well

I

was

with

MI

And

the

relationship

wasn't

sanctioned

So

when

it

came

to

light

my

loyalty

was

questioned

And

I

was

ordered

to

kill

him

It

was

a

test

What

did

you

do

I

put

three

bullets

in

his

chest

Okay

Who

the

hell

are

you

guys

You

don't

remember

us

We

remember

you

You're

the

guy

whose

shit

we

cleaned

up

down

in

Guatemala

in

 

And

the

question

is

who

did

you

fly

out

of

there

You

don't

have

any

idea

what

you're

getting

into

First

of

all

you

can't

touch

me

Sure

we

can

Oh

yeah

Where'd

you

get

this

Home

Depot

 

 

You

want

nuts

Nipples

Potty

trainer

All

right

stop

it

Nuts

Stop

it

For

the

love

of

Christ

stop

it

Stop

already

Now

you

got

something

to

say

We

extracted

a

young

lieutenant

who

is

the

son

of

the

late

Senator

James

Stanton

Robert

Stanton

Vice

President

of

the

United

States

You're

saying

the

Vice

President

killed

all

the

people

in

that

village

Yeah

Went

completely

off

the

reservation

And

that

New

York

Times

reporter

Did

she

pressure

you

Yeah

She

called

me

Twice

So

I

called

the

VP

And

what

did

you

think

would

happen

then

Oh

whatever

I

made

him

Vice

President

You

kept

your

mouth

shut

and

the

Stantons

made

you

rich

Been

working

with

our

partners

in

the

developing

world

to

root

out

corruption

and

Okay

I

will

pay

whatever

it

costs

to

get

rid

of

this

thing

We're

not

here

for

your

money

home

We're

here

because

that

New

York

Times

reporter

had

the

list

of

names

of

everybody

who

was

in

Guatemala

And

everybody

on

that

list

has

been

ordered

killed

Except

you

I

had

nothing

to

do

with

that

Don't

you

see

He's

trying

to

clean

up

his

past

and

get

rid

of

me

in

one

shot

He's

trying

to

cut

me

loose

before

he

runs

for

President

We

have

some

major

activity

out

here

Looks

like

we're

blown

We're

in

position

Perimeter's

set

No

one's

getting

out

They're

moving

a

team

up

the

east

side

Are

you

gonna

let

me

talk

to

them

 

Thanks

when

we

want

your

help

we'll

get

out

the

drain

cleaner

Listen

Plastic

Man

those

bastards

out

there

probably

have

orders

to

kill

me

too

I

hope

so

Why

'Cause

I'm

a

bad

guy

I'm

scum

Can

I

just

shoot

him

now

No

You

don't

have

people

killed

I

have

people

killed

I'm

the

bad

guy

Remember

Not

worth

a

bullet

Hello

How's

retirement

Frank

It's

been

a

real

blast

If

we

have

to

come

in

there

and

get

you

it's

gonna

be

messy

You

bet

Real

messy

I've

got

my

orders

Frank

They

come

from

the

Vice

President

He's

ordered

these

hits

to

cover

up

the

war

crimes

he

committed

in

Guatemala

I

find

that

hard

to

believe

How

did

you

know

you'd

find

me

here

Some

anonymous

untraceable

tip

Here's

the

deal

Frank

You're

gonna

walk

out

that

front

door

and

give

yourself

up

You

have

my

word

no

one

will

shoot

you

I'll

personally

take

you

in

and

you

will

get

to

tell

your

side

of

the

story

You

got

seconds

to

decide

What's

it

look

like

There's

no

clean

exit

They

seem

to

be

coming

from

everywhere

If

we

had

a

distraction

I

could

cover

you

to

the

woods

Looks

like

there's

not

a

lot

of

options

kid

I

mean

somebody's

gonna

have

to

make

the

hard

choice

if

we’re

gonna

get

out

of

here

alive

Been

wild

Wild

and

crazy

But

I

wouldn't

want

it

any

other

way

An

honor

Good

luck

Tell

your

men

to

hold

their

fire

I'm

coming

out

He's

coming

out

All

units

hold

fire

Repeat

all

units

hold

fire

Roger

that

Get

behind

Come

out

now

I've

got

you

covered

Who

fired

the

shot

Tell

me

when

the

boys

make

cover

we'll

move

Now

They've

got

Sarah

Frank

you're

no

good

to

her

dead

We

gotta

move

Come

Now

is

not

time

to

waste

Ivan

It's

nice

to

see

you

again

Ivan

Did

he

just

call

you

"bunny"

Life

sometimes

is

complicated

To

Joe

Joe

Not

to

push

the

bounds

of

propriety

but

don't

you

think

we

ought

to

discuss

the

fact

that

the

CIA's

being

used

by

the

Vice

President

as

his

personal

hit

squad

and

that

they'll

do

whatever

they

can

to

find

us

and

kill

us

Options

We

could

go

public

Yeah

right

That

didn't

work

very

well

for

the

reporter

And

what

about

Frank's

girlfriend

They'll

kill

her

so

fast

First

they'll

interrogate

her

They

probably

already

got

the

wires

Then

give

her

a

little

snorkel

Give

her

a

jump

 

 

Marvin

God

You

are

such

an

idiot

I

want

to

show

you

something

This

was

done

to

me

by

the

love

of

my

life

It

seems

that

what

we

had

was

not

meant

to

be

But

now

she

sits

outside

my

house

drinking

vodka

Three

bullets

in

the

chest

When

I

woke

alive

I

knew

she

still

loved

me

Or

else

it

would

have

been

the

head

It

was

big

risk

for

her

of

course

but

one

does

crazy

things

for

love

Do

not

fear

for

your

love

my

friend

With

a

small

dedicated

group

there

is

nothing

that

cannot

be

accomplished

Let

me

be

blunt

Nobody

knows

you're

here

You

don't

exist

And

unless

you

cooperate

fully

there's

nothing

I

can't

do

to

you

 

 

Moses

is

on

the

phone

Okay

Trace

is

running

Moses

Here's

the

thing

Cooper

With

age

comes

a

certain

perspective

I'd

be

a

liar

if

I

said

there

wasn't

a

time

when

I

was

exactly

like

you

Blind

ambition

Misplaced

trust

Why

are

you

telling

me

this

It

might

help

me

to

decide

what

to

do

next

Just

keep

it

going

Why

What

are

you

thinking

about

Our

business

is

a

very

hard

one

But

it

was

never

the

killing

or

the

stress

or

the

bad

pay

that

bothered

me

What

was

it

Frank

It's

how

anything

that

you

love

can

be

taken

away

from

you

It

taught

me

never

to

care

Never

to

invest

Then

I

met

this

woman

Sarah

And

now

you

have

her

Now

I

can't

think

of

anything

more

horrible

than

to

know

that

your

enemies

can

hurt

someone

that

you

love

The

feeling

is

almost

indescribable

You

still

there

Cooper

You're

at

my

house

Almost

indescribable

isn't

it

Please

Please

don't

hurt

my

family

If

anything

happens

to

Sarah

I

will

rip

everything

you

love

out

of

your

life

And

then

I'll

kill

you

I

swear

to

you

I

will

keep

Sarah

safe

We

don't

have

much

time

Do

you

understand

that

What

are

you

gonna

do

Frank

I'm

gonna

kill

the

Vice

President

What

are

you

gonna

do

Move

Move

Mom

Frank

left

this

for

me

Where

did

he

get

it

from

The

secure

records

depository

of

the

CIA

Look

Sarah

I

know

Frank's

been

right

about

a

few

things

But

he's

about

to

cross

a

line

from

which

there's

no

turning

back

Right

now

you

have

an

opportunity

to

help

him

You

need

to

tell

me

everything

you

know

Because

if

I

can't

stop

him

I'm

gonna

have

to

kill

him

Do

you

know

who

Frank

Moses

is

I

mean

really

is

Do

you

know

what

he's

done

Wow

You're

asking

me

for

help

That

is

so

lame

He's

gonna

eat

you

for

lunch

She's

never

gonna

trust

us

I

can't

blame

her

The

tip

off

was

a

trap

Someone's

got

us

dancing

like

marionettes

Just

like

Moses

called

it

Yeah

He

will

take

a

shot

at

the

VP

That's

a

problem

for

the

Secret

Service

Moses'll

take

them

apart

Plug

me

into

their

detail

You

got

it

What

about

her

I'll

keep

her

close

Protected

Off

the

grid

I

put

a

few

things

away

Just

in

case

Frank

Swedish

K

Now

that

is

exciting

Explosives

Just

past

the

RPGs

I

love

you

man

 

The

Vice

President's

gonna

love

this

Nice

to

see

you

too

Thank

you

Oh

I'm

sorry

Sorry

Silly

Thank

you

ma'am

 

 

You're

welcome

Welcome

Ms

Brown

Mmmhmm

It's

a

pleasure

to

have

you

at

our

Victory

Fund

Gala

Oh

I'm

so

looking

forward

to

it

Raptor

is

cleared

for

entry

After

you

Mr

Vice

President

A

true

war

hero

a

fabulous

friend

and

a

wonderful

leader

And

so

it's

with

great

pleasure

I

introduce

to

you

vice

President

Robert

Stanton

I

love

you

sir

Thank

you

everybody

Thank

you

so

much

for

being

here

I'm

gonna

keep

this

short

and

sweet

so

you'll

actually

write

those

checks

you've

been

promising

Seriously

though

great

to

see

you

all

It's

the

wonderful

people

here

tonight

that

got

us

into

the

White

House

in

the

first

place

And

I

believe

it's

this

wonderful

group

of

people

who

will

keep

us

there

for

a

long

long

time

My

good

friends

I

am

proud

to

announce

that

I

will

be

forming

an

exploratory

committee

with

the

primary

goal

of

seeking

a

nomination

for

the

Presidency

We've

had

a

great

journey

together

But

I

firmly

believe

that

the

best

is

still

to

come

God

bless

you

all

God

bless

America

Mmm

Hello

bunny

Moves

like

that

could

get

you

killed

Your

radiance

tonight

renders

me

almost

speechless

Almost

What

are

you

grinning

at

I've

always

dreamed

of

killing

an

American

President

Vice

President

Whatever

Having

you

in

my

arms

once

again

I

get

carried

away

Really

Tell

me

you

love

me

It's

been

a

long

time

Ivan

Blink

of

an

eye

 

 

The

music

has

stopped

Is

it

Ah

To

work

then

Ivan

Do

you

smell

that

 

No

it's

fine

It's

fine

You'll

have

to

turn

around

No

it's

fine

It's

all

right

I'm

sure

I'm

allowed

You'll

have

to

go

back

up

ma'am

or

I'll

have

to

treat

you

as

a

threat

Where

exactly

is

the

threat

 

Oh

my

God

Gas

I

smell

gas

Gas

Gas

Gas

Stand

aside

Primary

exit

blocked

Secondary

move

Move

Move

Move

Let

me

out

of

here

Let

me

out

of

here

Go

What

the

hell

are

they

using

Get

back

up

in

here

to

the

north

stairwell

now

Ah

yes

Move

to

the

other

limo

I'll

cover

you

We

have

to

go

Now

Now

Approaching

target

from

the

rear

Outside

Secret

Service

everybody

down

Cover

us

We're

moving

now

Come

on

Move

Go

I

remember

the

Secret

Service

being

tougher

Me

too

 

 

Marvin

Bugger

 

 

We

gotta

move

You're

on

your

own

I'm

no

use

anymore

Good

luck

Go

on

Let's

move

Are

you

hit

sir

 

I'm

fine

Just

get

me

the

hell

out

of

here

 

I

love

you

I

know

Freeze

What

the

Go

Go

Go

Get

in

Get

in

Go

go

go

Stop

the

car

Stop

Don't

you

dare

stop

You

keep

going

Stop

the

car

Pull

over

I

wanna

know

what

the

hell

that

was

all

about

Burbacher

Get

him

off

Pull

over

Raptor

is

secure

Who

are

you

One

of

the

men

you

ordered

killed

I

don't

know

what

you're

talking

about

Guatemala

I

was

there

Well

I'm

sure

we

can

negotiate

something

Starting

to

come

back

to

you

now

is

it

If

you're

looking

for

revenge

This

is

not

about

revenge

Are

you

gonna

kill

me

Not

just

you

Yeah

I'm

at

the

Evanston

power

plant

You

have

minutes

to

bring

me

Sarah

Or

I

kill

the

vice

President

He

just

made

contact

He

wants

the

girl

Evanston

Power

Station

minutes

You

better

alert

Secret

Service

Copy

that

Secret

Service

is

en

route

All

right

come

on

Where's

Sarah

She's

on

her

way

It's

over

Frank

Any

minute

the

whole

world

is

gonna

drop

on

you

We'll

see

Hey

tough

guy

Surprised

to

see

me

What

the

hell's

this

Alex

Just

give

him

what

he

wants

I

can't

do

this

anymore

You

ordered

these

killings

not

me

I

don't

want

to

have

anything

to

do

with

this

anymore

You

shot

me

Shut

up

I

loved

watching

you

being

a

good

guy

Kicking

ass

for

your

country

It

showed

a

spectacular

lack

of

vision

The

girl

goes

free

That'll

cost

you

a

gun

A

life

for

a

life

I

tore

up

all

those

checks

I

know

I

just

wanted

to

talk

to

you

Cooper

cuff

him

Wilkes

told

me

you

had

promise

Okay

here's

how

it

goes

Moses

just

shot

the

VP

You

kill

him

and

the

girl

and

you're

head

of

the

CIA

Cooper

This

is

gonna

happen

either

way

Fuck

you

Cynthia

Thanks

This

gonna

be

a

problem

No

I

got

it

Grandpa

Feel

better

now

Yeah

Wanna

get

pancakes

Can

you

believe

it

It

all

worked

out

Something

bad

is

gonna

happen

very

soon

Maybe

not

Wait

a

second

Nobody's

chasing

us

No

one's

trying

to

kill

us

I

think

we

just

got

our

lives

back

Almost

You

still

owe

me

a

small

favor

Oh

Ivan

His

timing

is

terrible

You

gave

a

favor

to

him

Just

a

tiny

little

nuclear

problem

in

Moldova

Can

we

go

Yes

We

can

go

I

told

you

something

bad

was

gonna

happen

Keep

your

dress

on

Moldova

sucks

Moldova

sucks

Next

time

your

girlfriend

can

wear

the

dress

 

 

 

 

("SPACE

ODDITY"

BY

DAVID

BOWIE)

 

Ground

Control

to

Major

Tom

 

 

Seven

Six

 

 

Commencing

countdown

engines

on

 

 

Three

Two

 

 

Check

ignition

and

may

God's

love

Be

with

you

 

 

This

is

Ground

Control

to

Major

Tom

 

 

You've

really

made

the

grade

 

 

And

the

papers

want

to

know

Whose

shirts

you

wear

 

 

Now

it's

time

to

leave

The

capsule

if

you

dare

 

 

This

is

Major

Tom

to

Ground

Control

 

 

I'm

stepping

through

the

door

 

 

And

I'm

floating

In

a

most

peculiar

way

 

 

And

the

stars

Look

very

different

today

 

 

For

here

Am

I

sitting

in

a

tin

can

 

 

Far

above

the

world

 

 

Planet

Earth

is

blue

And

there's

nothing

I

can

do

 

(SPEAKING

IN

ALIEN

LANGUAGE)

 

Though

I'm

past

One

hundred

thousand

miles

 

 

I'm

feeling

very

still

 

 

And

I

think

my

spaceship

knows

Which

way

to

go

 

 

Tell

my

wife

I

love

her

very

much

She

knows

 

 

Ground

Control

to

Major

Tom

Your

circuit's

dead

 

 

There's

something

wrong

Can

you

hear

me

Major

Tom

 

 

Can

you

hear

me

Major

Tom

 

 

Can

you

Here

am

I

floating

round

my

tin

can

 

 

Far

above

the

moon

 

 

Planet

Earth

is

blue

And

there's

nothing

I

can

do

 

The

Alpha

intergalactic

space

station

has

reached

critical

mass

in

orbit

Its

weight

and

size

now

pose

a

serious

threat

to

Mother

Earth

(BEEPING)

In

its

great

wisdom

the

Central

Committee

has

decided

to

use

all

resources

necessary

to

release

this

space

station

from

the

Earth's

gravity

Its

new

course

is

set

for

the

Magellan

Current

Like

the

great

explorer

Magellan

the

Alpha

Station

will

journey

into

the

unknown

A

symbol

of

our

values

and

knowledge

It

will

carry

a

message

of

peace

and

unity

to

the

farthest

reaches

of

the

universe

Our

thoughts

and

prayers

go

with

you

Godspeed

and

good

luck

(SPEAKING

IN

ALIEN

LANGUAGE)

(CHIRPING)

Ah

(SPEAKING

ALIEN

LANGUAGE)

(ALL

SPEAKING

IN

ALIEN

LANGUAGE)

(SPEAKING

ALIEN

LANGUAGE)

(CHATTERING)

(CHIRPS)

(ALL

GREETING

IN

ALIEN

LANGUAGE)

(SPEAKING

IN

ALIEN

LANGUAGE)

Let

us

give

back

to

nature

that

which

she

gave

to

us

Give

this

pearl

to

my

daughter

Princess

Lïho

(SQUEALS)

(ALL

CHIRPING)

(WHOOSHING

SOUND)

(EXPLOSIONS)

(ALL

EXCLAIMING)

(SPEAKING

IN

ALIEN

LANGUAGE)

(SQUEAKING)

Dad

(EXPLOSION)

(ALL

SHOUTING)

It's

broken

Lïho

(INAUDIBLE)

Lïho

Lïho

Lïho

(GASPING)

(SLURPING)

 

 

bad

dream

No

 

Hey

 

Don't

you

think

we

should

run

through

our

assignment

That's

the

last

thing

I

feel

like

doing

Not

very

professional

Major

Look

I

scored

a

perfect

 

on

my

last

memory

test

Impressive

Unfortunately

you've

forgotten

something

rather

important

today

 

What's

that

 

Hey

(PANTING)

What

can

I

do

to

make

it

up

to

you

(FEMALE

ELECTRONIC

VOICE)

Beginning

descent

in

three

minutes

Nothing

that

you

can

get

done

in

three

minutes

(YELLS)

Come

on

Don't

start

what

you

can't

finish

(FEMALE

ELECTRONIC

VOICE)

Landing

on

planet

Kyrian

in

five

minutes

Sorry

Hey

look

I

know

you're

attracted

to

me

Why

deny

the

obvious

 

It's

obvious

 

Yeah

sure

Little

Goody

Twoshoes

with

an

Ivy

League

education

are

always

attracted

to

galaxyhopping

bad

boys

like

me

My

Ivy

League

education

taught

me

to

steer

clear

from

bad

boys

like

you

Yeah

well

you're

not

going

to

find

better

than

me

on

the

market

Straight

up

Take

a

good

look

Handsome

intelligent

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yeah

and

to

you

 

You're

my

partner

 

Yeah

don't

forget

it

(SCOFFS)

Look

why

don't

you

think

with

your

heart

and

not

your

head

for

once

I

don't

wanna

be

another

name

on

your

list

of

conquests

thank

you

very

much

What

are

you

talking

about

What

list

Alex

can

we

see

the

playlist

please

 

 

No

no

No

no

no

Hey

Most

of

those

are

coworkers

and

that's

it

Coworkers

Right

where's

my

picture

then

(SIGHS)

They

mean

nothing

to

me

Okay

I

took

a

few

detours

when

I

was

younger

Your

last

detour

was

not

so

long

ago

Yeah

but

with

you

it's

different

And

you

know

it

I

want

my

heart

to

belong

to

you

and

no

one

else

My

heart

will

belong

to

a

man

who

will

erase

his

playlist

for

me

That's

what

I'm

talking

about

 

I'm

that

man

 

Look

we

both

know

you're

quite

a

ladykiller

So

why

do

you

lose

interest

in

a

girl

as

soon

as

you

win

her

heart

'Cause

I'm

looking

for

the

perfect

woman

But

you've

never

stopped

to

look

That's

not

a

crime

No

it's

not

a

crime

But

just

admit

it

 

you're

scared

of

commitment

 

Me

Scared

of

commitment

Are

you

kidding

me

Nine

years

in

the

service

Impeccable

record

Seven

medals

of

honor

Never

lost

a

partner

LAURELINE:

Yeah

until

now

(AUTOMATED

VOICE)

Refuel

complete

(BEEPS)

Alex

did

you

enter

the

coordinates

ALEX:

I

took

that

liberty

so

you

could

both

enjoy

the

beach

a

while

longer

 

Oh

thank

you

 

You

will

be

leaving

exospace

in

seconds

 

 

Yes

sir

Alex

will

you

pull

up

my

brain

charts

for

the

past

minutes

I

had

a

weird

dream

See

anything

abnormal

ALEX:

Your

cerebral

activity

is

a

little

more

intense

than

usual

 

 

ALEX:

These

waves

don't

come

from

your

memory

Somebody

is

sending

you

the

images

 

 

They

could

come

from

the

present

or

past

And

from

anywhere

in

the

universe

Leaving

exospace

ALEX:

Three

two

one

exit

Whoa

whoa

whoa

 

Easy

easy

 

We're

late

Yeah

well

better

late

than

dead

 

 

Whoa

Put

your

hand

back

on

the

joystick

Laureline

put

your

hands

back

on

the

joystick

Laureline

will

you

please

put

your

hand

back

on

the

joystick

Will

you

stop

complaining

about

my

driving

Yes

I'm

sorry

You're

a

great

driver

You're

the

best

driver

in

the

entire

universe

 

 

 

 

Touchdown

on

Kyrian

in

two

minutes

 

 

 

 

Agents

Valerian

and

Laureline

I

trust

you've

studied

the

assignment

So

as

soon

as

you

land

recover

the

Converter

and

bring

it

to

Alpha

for

a

topsecret

operation

The

Converter

is

the

last

creature

of

his

species

 

so

we're

counting

on

you

 

VALERIAN:

Yes

sir

Captain

Gibson

has

further

details

And

please

put

on

some

more

appropriate

clothing

(CHUCKLES)

Good

idea

Leaving

manual

ALEX:

Manual

disarmed

(BEEPS)

Intercom

activated

CAPTAIN

ZITO:

Here

they

come

Intruder

 

Check

parameters

Two

people

on

board

No

parasites

Where's

the

band

You

plan

on

going

on

a

mission

dressed

like

that

We're

supposed

to

mingle

with

tourists

aren't

we

What

do

you

expect

us

to

wear

A

panda

suit

Nice

hat

Major

this

mission

is

inandout

You

enter

Big

Market

you

find

the

suspect's

store

and

you

team

up

with

Sergeant

Cooper

 

 

We're

a

team

Sergeant

Laureline

will

arrive

at

the

drop

in

exactly

minutes

and

you

will

have

 

seconds

to

make

the

transfer

Didn't

you

read

the

memo

Yeah

Of

course

You

better

have

How

about

we

look

at

the

memo

one

last

time

Can't

hurt

(INDISTINCT

CHATTERING)

Think

you

can

survive

 

minutes

without

me

(LAUGHS)

How

could

I

possibly

Go

on

Be

careful

Oh

you

must

be

right

I

completely

forgot

I

have

a

question

for

you

Shoot

What

Will

you

marry

me

 

 

Laureline

I'm

serious

(SCOFFS)

I've

been

thinking

about

what

you

said

earlier

and

you're

right

I

need

to

move

onward

and

upward

I

need

to

commit

Here

Just

like

that

Yeah

Why

not

They

sell

a

zillion

things

here

I'm

sure

we

can

find

a

priest

who'd

be

happy

to

oblige

(CHUCKLES)

Go

Okay

let's

go

(CHUCKLES)

(OVERLAPPING

CONVERSATIONS)

(MAN

OVER

PA)

We

remind

you

that

if

you

want

to

enjoy

the

experience

of

Big

Market

you

must

put

on

equipment

available

to

you

Thank

you

GUIDE:

Welcome

everybody

Welcome

Please

gather

around

gather

around

Now

my

name

is

Thaziit

and

I

am

your

guide

for

today

okay

Now

whose

first

time

is

this

at

Big

Market

Lovely

lovely

Wonderful

wonderful

Now

let

me

remind

you

that

Big

Market

is

in

another

dimension

You

won't

be

able

to

see

it

without

your

helmet

or

touch

it

without

your

gloves

For

there

are

nearly

a

million

stores

in

Big

Market

Yes

okay

we

have

one

hour

Now

please

watch

the

letters

at

the

top

and

verify

that

the

"U"

for

Human

is

full

green

okay

So

everybody

please

get

together

right

behind

your

guide

whose

name

is

 

ALL:

Thaziit

 

Thaziit

Come

on

let's

go

Okay

follow

me

Please

put

your

helmets

on

Come

through

the

gates

Okay

Activate

your

system

Wonderful

WOMAN:

Do

not

leave

your

helmet

(MAN

OVER

PA)

System

activated

Whoa

Welcome

to

Big

Market

(GRUNTING)

(SPEAKING

IN

ALIEN

LANGUAGE)

 

 

Yes

sure

of

course

Bill

Can

I

have

my

camera

please

Thank

you

 

 

(GRUNTS)

Thank

you

Bill

(COMPUTER

BEEPING)

(BEEPING)

 

You're

good

 

Hey

Hey

Come

with

me

Stand

by

me

 

 

 

What

the

hell

are

you

doing

soldier

 

Sorry

sir

Keep

an

eye

on

the

guy

all

right

Yes

sir

(GRUNTING)

(OVERLAPPING

CONVERSATIONS)

THAZIIT:

Please

be

careful

down

the

stairs

Come

on

everyone

 

 

Only

stuff

that

we

can

carry

okay

 

 

All

right

drop

in

minutes

Copy

that

(GRUNTING)

(CHUCKLES)

(GROWLING)

I

found

the

suspect's

store

MAN:

Good

Sergeant

Cooper

will

help

you

get

in

and

recover

the

stolen

property

(SQUEAKING)

(SNIFFING)

(GROWLS)

 

 

As

you

read

in

the

memo

you

need

glasses

to

see

the

other

dimension

and

a

transmatter

box

to

bring

anything

there

 

 

Put

this

on

Enter

your

genetic

code

on

the

front

keypad

To

come

back

enter

your

genetic

code

on

the

back

keypad

 

 

(COMPUTER

BEEPING)

 

 

Hey

Tsûuri

Good

to

see

you

again

Please

sit

down

Do

you

have

what

we

asked

for

Yeah

yeah

But

it

was

a

toughie

(GROWLING)

 

 

(CHIRPING)

I

lost

a

lot

of

personnel

getting

this

for

you

But

this

thing

is

priceless

What

can

you

give

me

in

exchange

(SIGHS)

Amazing

I

never

thought

I'd

see

one

in

my

lifetime

You'll

have

hundreds

of

them

Just

as

soon

as

you

give

us

what

we

came

for

Oh

That's

where

I

have

a

slight

problem

my

friends

If

you're

going

to

knock

out

copies

of

this

baby

for

me

why

shouldn't

I

do

it

for

myself

(GUNS

COCKING)

Hey

hey

Easy

my

little

lambs

(GROWLING)

We

absolutely

need

this

Converter

You

know

we

are

fighting

for

a

noble

cause

I

know

And

I'm

fighting

for

a

noble

cause

too

Mine

You

have

seconds

to

drop

your

guns

Hmm

Showtime

(BEEPING)

Five

Four

Three

Two

 

 

VALERIAN:

Federal

Agent

Valerian

Sorry

to

interrupt

this

great

deal

but

I'm

also

here

for

a

noble

cause

It's

called

the

law

Hey

haven't

I

seen

you

guys

somewhere

before

Hey

I'm

not

running

a

tearoom

here

What

do

you

want

from

me

Igon

Siruss

you

stand

accused

of

stealing

a

Mül

Converter

belonging

to

the

Federation

But

before

I

drag

your

ass

in

I

have

to

recover

the

stolen

property

 

All

right

how

we

doing

 

Valerian

I'll

be

to

your

left

at

o'clock

 

 

Guys

don't

move

(GRUNTING)

(BEEPS)

Now

take

it

nice

and

easy

and

push

it

into

the

box

(GRUNTS)

 

 

(BEEPS)

(GROWLING)

Undetected

Back

to

base

 

 

 

Valerian

get

out

of

here

 

I'm

on

my

way

(BEEPING)

I'll

find

you

Federal

Agent

Valerian

Wherever

you

are

in

the

universe

I'll

find

you

And

I

will

kill

you

VALERIAN:

Good

luck

(SNARLS)

(GUNFIRE)

(VALERIAN

GRUNTS)

Valerian's

in

trouble

Mission

takes

priority

Keep

going

 

Cooper

cover

him

 

(GRUNTING)

(SCREAMS)

(SECURITY

VOICE)

Seek

and

destroy

Top

priority

Target's

photograph

to

follow

 

Valerian

how

we

doing

 

I

think

I

lost

them

 

 

No

thank

you

I'm

to

your

left

feet

away

My

keypad's

broken

 

 

No

thank

you

The

box

is

broken

I

can't

get

my

arm

back

Hey

you

need

a

lawyer

Federal

agent

on

duty

Leave

me

alone

 

Oh

no

 

Oh

yeah

(ALL

SCREAMING)

(METAL

CLANGING)

(VALERIAN

GRUNTS)

(METALLIC

CLANG)

(GASPING)

LAURELINE:

Valerian

what

are

you

doing

(CHUCKLES)

(GRUNTING)

(ALL

GASPING)

(VALERIAN

YELLING

AND

MOANING)

(METALLIC

THUD)

(GASPING)

Da

Very

funny

What's

your

name

 

 

Come

here

Come

here

Try

this

It's

way

more

fun

 

 

(GRUNTS)

So

long

 

 

Da

Da

Da

Da

Yeah

yeah

there's

a

time

for

everything

kid

Don't

you

have

homework

to

do

(HUMMING)

All

right

go

get

yourself

cleaned

up

run

to

Mommy

 

 

 

 

(SCREECHES)

Watch

out

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTS)

(PEOPLE

EXCLAIMING)

Sorry

(MAN

OVER

PA)

To

retrieve

your

purchases

please

place

your

items

in

the

transmatter

box

and

enter

your

DNA

code

Thank

you

 

 

Useless

you

mean

You

don't

even

know

what

you'll

do

with

the

darn

thing

Don't

be

such

a

grouch

It's

decorative

 

 

Civilized

Yeah

sure

(ALL

SHOUTING)

 

Watch

out

 

Sorry

Hey

Hey

Hey

Hey

Hey

thanks

a

lot

Sorry

 

 

(PANTING)

 

I

didn't

see

the

wall

 

I

just

need

you

to

fix

my

arm

thanks

(CHUCKLES)

(GASPING)

(BEEPING)

(COMPUTER

DIES)

I

suppose

since

you

asked

for

my

hand

you

should

probably

get

yours

back

first

 

 

Don't

move

(BARKING)

How

can

I

help

you

if

you

keep

moving

Will

you

just

hurry

up

please

Please

keep

still

You've

been

detected

Uh

Sorry

to

bother

you

I'm

out

of

ammo

and

there's

three

headed

my

way

Give

me

one

second

 

I

don't

have

a

second

 

 

Okay

you're

good

 

Thanks

(BEEPS)

(SIGHS)

I

don't

know

what

I'd

do

without

you

(SIGHS)

(MAN

OVER

PA)

To

retrieve

your

purchases

please

place

your

items

in

the

transmatter

box

and

enter

your

DNA

code

Thank

you

(SCREECHING)

Fetch

MAJOR

GIBSON:

You've

been

detected

Keep

moving

don't

change

course

 

 

 

Zito

cover

them

 

Yes

sir

 

 

(GUNFIRE)

Get

Get

in

MAJOR

GIBSON:

Come

on

let's

go

Go

go

go

I'm

coming

I'm

coming

I'm

coming

(GROWLS)

Zito

get

that

thing

off

our

backs

I

got

it

Guys

take

it

out

Take

it

out

Alex

we

need

you

right

now

(GROWLING)

Let's

go

(SCREAMS)

(SCREAMS)

Shoot

He

ruined

my

dress

Alex

I'm

gonna

take

over

on

manual

Prepare

to

enter

exospace

(BEEPING)

You

know

the

coordinates

for

the

rendezvous

 

Yeah

I'm

just

deciphering

them

 

 

Alex

what

was

that

 

(GROWLS)

Oh

great

Hold

on

Major

Valerian

you're

running

nearly

minutes

late

Yeah

well

time

flies

when

you're

having

fun

 

 

Now

perhaps

you

can

tell

me

what

you're

doing

lightyears

 

 

when

you

put

it

like

that

But

when

I

say

we'll

be

there

in

 

nine

minutes

does

that

sound

better

 

I'll

inform

the

Commander

that

you're

behind

schedule

and

pass

on

your

apology

Yeah

you

do

that

(GROANING)

Leaving

exospace

in

five

seconds

Somebody's

gonna

land

with

a

bang

(GROANING)

(WHINING)

Okay

let's

have

a

look

at

you

(SQUEALS)

Not

at

me

tiger

Come

on

Don't

be

scared

I'll

look

after

you

 

 

Hello

Wow

You

have

the

most

incredible

eyes

 

 

Okay

you're

a

little

scabby

So

why

don't

we

get

you

a

nice

treatment

so

you

can

get

your

mojo

back

Sound

good

(CHIRPS)

Come

on

Some

highgrade

uranium

and

you'll

be

good

as

new

(CHIRPING)

Hang

on

tiger

(BEEPS)

(BEEPING)

Alex

Analyze

this

please

Power

megatons

ALEX:

Indeed

There's

times

more

power

in

that

pearl

than

in

our

entire

ship

Where's

it

come

from

From

Mül

a

planet

that

was

in

the

constellation

QN

 

 

The

planet

no

longer

exists

and

hasn't

for

years

Let's

see

what

it

looked

like

 

 

Abundant

vegetation

a

few

primal

species

but

of

no

particular

interest

The

one

in

my

dream

was

pretty

interesting

Zoom

in

 

 

I'm

afraid

that

won't

be

enough

Major

Access

is

restricted

To

what

rank

General

Five

stars

The

creature

in

my

dream

she

had

a

pearl

just

like

that

on

her

neck

Noted

Major

Leaving

exospace

in

one

minute

He's

very

cute

you

know

And

a

real

charmer

You

may

have

some

competition

(CHUCKLES)

I'm

fine

with

competition

(BEEPING)

Hey

I'm

still

waiting

for

your

answer

I

know

I

can

be

full

of

myself

sometimes

but

I'm

dead

serious

about

my

proposal

We

have

to

complete

the

mission

Major

There's

still

the

top

secret

part

to

attend

to

Or

is

your

perfect

memory

failing

you

again

ALEX:

Seat

belt

You

know

what

I'm

gonna

ask

for

days'

leave

right

now

and

I'm

gonna

take

you

to

the

most

beautiful

beach

in

the

whole

universe

 

 

The

perfect

place

for

a

honeymoon

 

 

You

know

that

right

 

 

ALEX:

Three

two

one

Decelerating

VALERIAN:

Whoa

Alex

what

are

you

doing

ALEX:

Sorry

too

much

traffic

 

 

Nope

No

no

No

thank

you

ALEX:

Welcome

to

Alpha

the

City

of

a

Thousand

Planets

(BEEPING)

Alex

can

you

update

us

ALEX:

I'd

be

delighted

to

The

Alpha

Station

has

grown

%

this

year

and

since

it

left

the

terrestrial

orbit

it

has

traveled

almost

million

miles

Population

Almost

million

species

from

the

four

corners

of

the

universe

live

on

board

pooling

their

knowledge

and

cultures

Over

languages

spoken

not

counting

the

various

computer

languages

Demographics

To

the

south

are

the

submerged

parts

with

species

living

in

all

kinds

of

liquids

Such

as

the

peaceful

Poulong

farmers

who

grow

cobalt

To

the

north

we

have

gaseous

lands

dominated

by

the

Azin

Mö

whose

extreme

sensitivity

makes

them

specialists

in

neurosciences

and

molecular

components

They

can

build

cells

of

any

kind

To

the

east

of

them

the

large

colony

of

Omelites

They

control

information

technology

finance

and

banking

Finally

to

the

west

in

a

pressurized

atmosphere

we

have

million

humans

and

compatible

species

Home

sweet

home

The

economy

has

been

in

shambles

for

a

year

 

 

No

That's

enough

excitement

for

one

day

Intruder

XB

Authorization

to

dock

in

Section

 

 

 

We're

famous

(CHUCKLES)

GENERAL

OKTOBAR:

You're

late

Major

Sorry

sir

Things

got

a

bit

more

complicated

than

we

expected

Prepare

for

the

worst

and

you

won't

be

disappointed

And

neither

will

I

I'll

keep

that

in

mind

sir

And

you

have

you

checked

the

Converter

He's

in

great

shape

May

I

ask

what's

going

on

Follow

me

 

 

A

year

ago

we

discovered

a

radioactive

zone

right

in

the

middle

of

the

station

No

signal

of

any

kind

could

get

through

it

We

sent

several

probes

none

came

back

So

we

sent

in

a

special

unit

Its

mission

was

to

get

as

close

to

the

zone

as

possible

and

define

the

nature

of

the

threat

 

 

No

one

came

back

alive

 

 

This

is

the

situation

today

(BEEPING)

The

air

in

the

zone

is

unbreathable

highly

contaminated

And

it

continues

to

grow

Like

a

tumor

A

tumor

we

have

to

cut

out

as

soon

as

we

can

If

we

don't

and

this

cancer

keeps

spreading

it

will

destroy

Alpha

in

less

than

a

week

Commander

who

would

have

any

reason

to

destroy

Alpha

Practically

every

living

species

is

represented

here

This

is

a

weapon

of

mass

destruction

and

behind

every

weapon

there

is

a

killer

It

doesn't

matter

who

it

is

It's

a

threat

to

us

all

It

must

be

eliminated

Through

here

 

 

The

Council

has

given

you

the

green

light

But

we

strongly

recommend

that

international

law

and

the

civil

rights

of

all

concerned

should

be

respected

Of

course

I

shall

see

to

it

personally

Agents

Valerian

and

Laureline

will

be

responsible

for

your

personal

protection

Sir

that

won't

be

necessary

I

have

a

unit

of

Ktron

that

I

personally

trained

It's

a

direct

order

from

the

government

Commander

The

two

agents

need

to

report

on

the

outcome

of

the

operations

As

you

wish

Gentlemen

lady

good

luck

Since

we

have

to

be

on

the

same

team

you

mind

giving

us

an

update

on

the

operation

I'll

be

speaking

to

the

Security

Council

in

a

few

minutes

You'll

have

all

the

details

you

need

to

know

This

is

gonna

be

a

lot

of

fun

(WOMAN

SPEAKING

MANDARIN

OVER

PA)

Hey

handsome

You're

looking

a

lot

better

You

know

I

remember

learning

about

you

guys

at

school

I'm

dying

to

find

out

if

what

they

say

is

true

Okay

Wow

I

need

to

take

you

shopping

with

me

 

 

(YELLS)

(MONITORS

BEEPING)

 

 

We

haven't

got

a

peep

out

of

him

but

I'm

trying

something

new

(GASPS)

One

more

hour

If

he

hasn't

talked

finish

him

off

Yes

sir

If

anything

goes

wrong

with

this

operation

 

 

 

 

Looks

like

you're

taking

my

protection

very

seriously

His

protection

actually

He's

one

of

a

kind

You're

sure

he

needs

to

come

along

on

such

a

dangerous

mission

The

Mül

Converter

is

capable

of

reproducing

any

conceivable

product

in

record

time

It

will

come

in

very

handy

if

we

have

to

negotiate

With

the

army

of

Ktrons

under

your

command

I'm

surprised

negotiating's

on

the

table

You

take

care

of

my

security

Major

I'll

take

care

of

any

negotiations

 

 

I

don't

think

that's

a

very

good

idea

For

your

personal

security

why

don't

you

let

Agent

Laureline

look

after

the

little

guy

for

safekeeping

I

don't

think

so

Major

It's

against

protocol

I

am

the

highest

ranking

That

animal

is

the

last

living

specimen

of

its

species

The

whole

universe

is

after

it

That's

why

Major

Valerian

would

rather

I

held

onto

it

All

right

Just

don't

leave

my

side

Commander

the

Council

is

waiting

Okay

let's

do

this

Stay

here

(ROBOT

LANGUAGE)

GENERAL

OKTOBAR:

En

route

to

the

meeting

Received

General

You

stay

on

backup

I'll

take

the

front

line

Yes

sir

Delegates

thank

you

for

answering

the

call

so

quickly

As

the

elected

representative

of

the

Human

Federation

I

have

called

this

meeting

of

the

Alpha

Security

Council

to

update

you

regarding

the

state

of

emergency

we

find

ourselves

in

As

you

all

know

the

heart

of

historic

Alpha

Station

has

been

contaminated

by

a

force

whose

power

we

do

not

know

the

origins

of

The

Human

Federation

has

launched

several

small

military

attacks

in

order

to

ascertain

the

severity

of

the

threat

but

these

have

all

ended

in

failure

And

with

some

significant

losses

among

our

troops

In

light

of

this

alarming

and

growing

threat

to

us

all

the

Human

Federation

is

seeking

Everything

okay

You're

missing

out

I'm

having

a

lot

of

fun

Yeah

Don't

worry

we'll

be

on

the

beach

soon

I

can

now

answer

any

questions

you

may

have

about

the

details

of

the

operation

(SPEAKING

IN

ALIEN

LANGUAGE)

th

Battalion

Special

Assaults

Division

 

 

(GROANS)

That's

all

I

need

DOGHAN

DAGUI

:

Agent

Laureline

 

 

(CHUCKLES)

Oh

 

 

As

resplendent

as

ever

Just

tell

me

what

you

want

We

go

where

work

calls

We

speak

over

languages

Which

can

be

handy

in

a

party

like

this

Need

our

services

I

have

my

own

personal

translator

Now

move

Ask

them

if

they

have

intel

on

Mül

(SIGHS)

Planet

Mül

ring

any

bells

A

highly

sensitive

matter

The

best

person

to

speak

to

Would

be

Major

Samk

Alex

Major

Samk

died

a

year

ago

Well

yes

a

most

curious

demise

 

 

 

 

DOGHAN

DAGUI

:

He

took

all

that

precious

information

DOGHAN

DAGUI

:

To

the

grave

with

him

What

a

waste

If

you

receive

any

intel

on

this

planet

 

we're

interested

 

 

to

work

for

you

Laureline

 

 

 

For

free

 

 

You

guys

must

be

sick

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

But

you

get

a

discount

of

course

(ALARM

BLARING)

General

we

have

an

alert

on

Section

B

 

Alex

what's

that

 

 

 

It

appears

your

info

just

lost

its

value

Now

get

out

of

my

face

(ALL

WHINING)

 

Move

pigeons

 

 

What's

a

pigeon

 

I

don't

know

 

 

They're

going

through

the

walls

Alex

I

need

to

know

the

attackers'

identity

Everyone

please

evacuate

ALEX:

I

cannot

read

their

DNA

What

(DOOR

BUZZES)

Sir

the

door's

locked

We

can't

get

out

 

 

I'm

coming

(GATE

OPENS)

 

 

General

secure

that

door

 

 

What's

going

on

 

 

Let's

go

 

It's

not

working

 

What

Alex

open

the

door

(SCREAMING)

(GRUNTS)

(SPEAKING

IN

ALIEN

LANGUAGE)

(BEEPS)

(COUGHS)

(GASPING)

(LAURELINE

GASPS)

 

 

They

took

the

Commander

Here

take

this

Free

the

General

Go

to

the

command

room

and

track

them

from

there

Okay

 

 

(BEEPS)

(BEEPS)

 

 

Yes

sir

just

now

Everybody

back

to

your

posts

Status

on

Major

Valerian

Level

emergency

Confirmed

Valerian

I've

got

you

on

visual

VALERIAN:

Okay

but

I've

lost

track

of

them

Try

to

locate

the

Commander

Okay

I've

got

him

He's

near

the

docking

bay

so

he

must

be

headed

towards

the

vessel

(PANTING)

Okay

what's

the

shortest

way

there

Northnortheast

degrees

 

Sixty

 

 

That

leads

me

straight

into

a

wall

You

said

you

wanted

the

shortest

way

(SIGHS)

(BEEPING)

It

may

be

the

shortest

way

but

it's

not

the

easiest

(ALARMS

WAILING)

Keep

going

You're

almost

there

(SPEAKING

IN

ALIEN

LANGUAGE)

They've

reached

another

ship

No

tags

unknown

model

Valerian

they've

boarded

Change

of

plan

A

hundred

and

forty

degrees

east

Alex

will

pick

you

up

 

VALERIAN:

 

 

That's

it

straight

(GRUNTS)

Whoa

whoa

whoa

whoa

 

You're

sure

 

Yes

I'm

sure

Because

I

just

went

through

and

I'm

falling

in

space

Sorry

my

mistake

It

was

number

 

That's

okay

We

all

make

mistakes

Any

idea

to

get

me

out

of

here

Alex

pick

him

up

on

 

I'm

in

Close

it

(GRUNTS)

(SIGHS)

 

 

Bring

on

the

beach

(BEEPING)

I'm

not

sure

where

you

come

from

but

I

know

where

I'm

gonna

send

you

LAURELINE:

Valerian

hold

still

We're

analyzing

its

system

of

defense

Major

their

protective

shield

is

too

sophisticated

You

won't

get

through

I'm

gonna

try

something

bigger

Shit

(SPACESHIPS

WHOOSHING)

Laureline

which

one

has

the

Commander

on

board

LAURELINE:

Nine

o'clock

lower

level

Hurry

up

That's

the

one

Don't

lose

it

Valerian

be

careful

(LASERS

FIRING)

The

Intruder's

too

big

to

follow

them

I'm

gonna

take

the

SkyJet

Okay

Okay

Valerian

you're

near

the

Dead

Zone

Reel

them

in

before

I

lose

you

I'm

working

on

it

(HORN

HONKING)

LAURELINE:

Valerian

you

need

to

go

faster

Valerian

you've

got

seconds

before

I

lose

you

Take

that

(ENGINE

GROANING)

Who's

the

clever

one

now

Valerian

you've

got

five

seconds

Oh

no

Not

me

 

 

I

can't

slow

'em

down

Come

on

Come

on

 

 

Entering

Red

Zone

Valerian

do

you

hear

me

Laureline

I'm

losing

control

Laureline

Valerian

answer

me

Valerian

answer

me

 

Major

respond

 

LAURELINE:

Alex

can

you

help

ALEX:

There's

too

much

interference

I've

lost

the

Major's

signal

(THUMPS

ON

TABLE)

Valerian

Valerian

Valerian

do

you

copy

We've

lost

him

Sergeant

where

are

you

going

To

grab

my

SkyJet

 

You

won't

be

going

after

him

 

That

zone

is

under

enemy

control

It's

too

dangerous

An

enemy

that

we

don't

know

An

enemy

that's

just

attacked

us

By

putting

us

to

sleep

and

not

hurting

a

single

one

of

us

Why

would

they

spare

our

lives

Give

me

one

good

reason

I

don't

know

Valerian

has

seen

these

creatures

before

They

are

from

Planet

Mül

Planet

Mül

was

destroyed

years

ago

You're

not

making

any

sense

It's

our

mission

that

doesn't

make

sense

sir

Someone

is

lying

to

us

and

while

you

find

out

who

I'm

going

to

go

save

my

partner

(CONVERTER

CHIRPING)

General

Major

Valerian

is

an

invaluable

agent

You

cannot

afford

to

lose

him

No

I

can't

afford

to

lose

both

of

you

in

one

day

Restrain

her

Put

us

on

high

alert

and

find

me

the

Commander

Yes

sir

(DOGHAN

DAGUIS

CHATTERING)

Listen

I

don't

wanna

tell

you

guys

how

to

do

your

jobs

but

don't

you

think

you

should

cuff

me

Firstly

because

it's

protocol

but

secondly

because

I'm

very

tempted

to

escape

(CLANGS

AND

CHARGES

UP)

(GRUNTING)

Good

job

boys

(CHATTERING)

 

 

Oh

it's

dark

in

here

 

Ow

 

If

you

don't

help

me

find

Valerian

then

this

bullet's

gonna

find

you

 

You're

up

first

 

No

no

no

no

 

It's

to

avoid

such

situations

 

 

DOGHAN

DAGUI

:

Is

divided

three

ways

 

 

 

Okay

You're

gonna

have

to

give

me

credit

though

 

'cause

I

don't

have

much

on

me

 

Oh

how

tiresome

 

 

But

he's

been

abducted

Precisely

because

he

had

the

Converter

on

him

Unless

for

security

reasons

Someone

else

was

carrying

it

on

them

 

 

 

It's

not

info

 

 

 

They're

all

so

predictable

 

Clearly

you've

never

met

a

woman

 

 

Okay

okay

okay

 

What

do

you

want

to

know

Valerian's

exact

location

Hard

to

tell

But

we

know

how

to

track

him

down

With

complete

precision

 

 

 

 

This

is

all

I

have

Diamonds

are

less

valuable

than

baduls

The

negotiation

is

over

 

 

 

 

Now

take

me

to

Valerian

Now

TOGETHER:

Follow

us

Philips

head

to

the

location

where

the

Major

disappeared

Milo

track

down

Agent

Laureline

and

bring

her

in

 

Neza

inform

the

Minister

 

Yes

sir

Just

give

me

a

few

minutes

please

Declassify

I

need

all

information

on

the

Planet

Mül

Well

who

has

authority

over

this

file

(BEEPING)

DOGHAN

DAGUI

:

Here

we

are

DOGHAN

DAGUI

:

I

do

not

like

this

place

(ALL

GROAN)

Here

I've

got

a

bad

feeling

about

this

idea

of

yours

Bingo

(BURPS)

What

do

you

want

 

We'd

like

to

go

fishing

 

Male

if

possible

Nah

it's

not

the

season

Here

 

 

Welcome

aboard

 

 

The

thing

down

 

The

Down

The

thing

down

 

(GROANS)

(CLANGS)

There

Bromosaurs

(CHUCKLING)

 

 

You

just

have

to

be

careful

they

don't

inhale

you

(MIMICS

INHALING)

(CREATURES

HUMMING)

There

that

one

is

a

male

How

can

you

tell

Oh

they're

much

smaller

than

the

females

How

do

you

know

that

that

one

has

a

jellyfish

on

it

All

males

do

The

Bromosaurs

blow

out

pure

water

which

the

jellyfish

can't

do

without

That's

why

they

live

on

them

all

year

round

and

that's

where

they

get

their

hypersensitivity

from

Soft

as

silk

Can

I

help

I'm

a

good

driver

(SHUSHING)

(HUMMING)

(GRUNTING)

(THUDS)

 

 

(GRUNTING)

(GASPS)

 

 

I

thought

you

said

they

weren't

aggressive

Except

when

you

take

their

little

buddy

Great

(GROWLING)

 

 

I'm

Bob

by

the

way

Hi

DOGHAN

DAGUI

:

There's

no

time

to

lose

DOGHAN

DAGUI

:

The

cortex

jellyfish

is

extremely

fragile

Show

it

images

of

Valerian

And

it

will

show

you

what

it

has

seen

Sure

but

how

 

 

Down

to

your

shoulders

 

You're

kidding

 

Never

when

we're

working

 

 

You'll

be

able

to

communicate

 

 

Longer

than

a

minute

Because

then

it

starts

to

feed

On

your

memory

Great

Anything

else

I

should

know

before

I

voluntarily

stick

my

head

on

his

mouth

Actually

it's

not

his

mouth

 

 

(EXHALES)

 

Don't

forget

 

Not

a

second

more

I

knew

I

had

it

in

here

somewhere

There

we

are

Aha

Peew

 

 

This

is

so

exciting

LAURELINE:

Valerian

(VALERIAN

YELLS)

VALERIAN:

I

only

work

with

my

partner

LAURELINE:

Valerian

answer

me

VALERIAN:

What

can

I

do

to

make

it

up

to

you

(GASPING)

Thirty

seconds

LAURELINE:

Valerian

answer

me

Take

that

(YELLS)

Laureline

I'm

losing

control

LAURELINE:

Valerian

 

LAURELINE:

Valerian

 

VALERIAN:

Laureline

Forty

seconds

(GASPING)

LAURELINE:

Valerian

 

Fifty

seconds

Get

out

 

Now

Fiftyfive

seconds

LAURELINE:

Valerian

Valerian

LAURELINE:

Valerian

 

 

 

 

And

seconds

A

record

Okay

LESUL

deactivated

Any

idea

what

that

means

guys

 

Level

East

 

Deactivated

apparently

Okay

Okay

thanks

TOGETHER:

You

need

a

detailed

map

We

biologically

traced

Sergeant

Laureline

to

here

What's

she

doing

out

by

the

Galana

Sea

No

idea

sir

She

stole

a

vehicle

She

headed

into

the

Red

Zone

and

we

lost

track

of

her

She

must

have

located

the

Major

General

there

are

three

civilians

here

who

claim

to

have

information

that

might

interest

you

Show

them

in

Ah

It's

you

three

 

Our

humble

respects

General

 

 

 

We

have

information

of

the

utmost

importance

 

That

we're

ready

to

sell

 

baduls

 

 

Valerian

(ECHOES)

Move

lizard

Valerian

Valerian

do

you

hear

me

(BEEPS)

Valerian

wake

up

Valerian

please

Stay

with

me

Valerian

Come

on

Come

on

(GASPS)

(COUGHING)

 

 

You

totaled

your

SkyJet

remember

Yeah

I

lost

it

in

a

curve

You

mean

you

almost

died

You're

lucky

I

found

you

What

about

the

Commander

Do

we

know

where

he

is

There's

no

sign

of

him

Their

spaceship

went

into

a

Red

Zone

We

gotta

find

him

 

(GRUNTS)

Let's

go

 

 

 

No

"Thank

you"

No

"Well

done"

I

would

have

done

the

same

for

you

 

 

Whoa

Hey

hey

hey

chill

I

trusted

you

more

than

I

trusted

myself

 

Isn't

that

what

you

wanted

 

You

are

an

amazing

woman

Laureline

It's

no

wonder

I

wanna

marry

you

Why

would

I

wanna

marry

an

ungrateful

conceited

Because

you

can't

live

without

him

I

mean

look

whenever

he

wanders

off

you

go

chasing

after

him

(SIGHS)

I

was

just

doing

my

job

Major

Now

will

you

please

let

me

get

back

to

the

mission

Yeah

sure

Good

Sergeant

Captain

what's

going

on

here

I

report

directly

to

the

Commander

Arun

Filitt

 

I

don't

have

to

 

I

am

General

OktoBar

In

the

absence

of

the

Commander

I

am

in

command

on

Alpha

Arrest

this

man

And

release

that

one

(CHATTERING)

I

apologize

for

your

mistreatment

We

will

take

you

to

a

jail

but

our

doctors

will

take

care

of

you

Help

us

If

you

need

my

help

you

have

to

tell

me

everything

you

know

But

first

of

all

why

are

you

attacking

us

Because

you

have

what

we

need

Didn't

you

say

that

the

girl

in

your

dream

 

 

That's

right

So

if

the

animals

are

native

on

their

planet

then

surely

it's

understandable

that

they

want

to

retrieve

the

last

living

specimen

Yeah

and

they

probably

kidnapped

the

Commander

because

they

thought

he

was

carrying

it

Yeah

once

they

find

out

he's

not

then

I'll

be

the

top

of

their

list

Don't

worry

I'm

not

letting

you

go

anywhere

No

I'm

not

letting

you

go

anywhere

(CHUCKLES)

Wow

(GROWLING)

Pretty

butterfly

Sure

but

whatever

you

do

don't

touch

them

 

 

 

No

 

Valerian

Laureline

I'm

coming

I'm

coming

I'm

coming

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTING)

(CHATTERING)

Let

me

go

fatty

Come

on

put

me

down

Sorry

I'm

inedible

(PANTING)

Valerian

(GRUNTS)

 

 

ALEX:

Major

I

can

read

your

signal

now

 

LAURELINE:

Valerian

 

Alex

any

ideas

ALEX:

The

only

way

to

get

in

without

creating

a

severe

diplomatic

incident

is

to

pass

for

one

of

them

I

suggest

you

try

to

find

a

glamopod

Thanks

Alex

Have

you

run

a

DNA

search

Yes

but

it

didn't

match

any

of

the

million

species

 

 

Well

how's

that

possible

Either

it

belongs

to

a

completely

unknown

species

Or

Or

this

species

was

deliberately

deleted

from

the

database

General

the

Major

has

resurfaced

at

the

edge

of

the

Red

Zone

Which

district

is

he

in

Paradise

Alley

Notify

all

units

SERGEANT:

All

units

Search

alert

Major

Valerian

Not

dangerous

Find

and

assist

 

 

Good

Now

slide

your

gun

into

my

holster

 

 

(MUSIC

PLAYING)

Hi

sugar

Do

you

wanna

ride

Hey

(PURRS)

Hey

you

wanna

fly

I'm

allergic

to

feathers

My

hero

You

got

the

wrong

guy

(GIGGLING)

(SPEAKING

IN

FRENCH)

Huh

I

I

don't

speak

French

Hello

(MAN

ANNOUNCING

OVER

SPEAKERS)

Come

on

out

Pervert

Hey

cowboy

You've

come

to

the

right

spot

It's

the

best

damn

club

on

the

whole

space

station

 

WOMAN:

Hey

Jolly

 

I'll

be

with

you

in

a

second

I'm

looking

for

something

special

Well

of

course

you

are

Whatever

it

is

you

want

 

 

 

I'm

not

so

sure

about

 

Well

I

am

Tell

me

what

is

it

you

want

What

are

you

looking

for

 

 

I

got

the

best

one

in

the

whole

universe

Come

on

(WOMEN

GIGGLING)

WOMAN:

Jolly

Come

on

(HUMMING)

Hey

I

work

for

the

government

(ALL

GRUNTING)

If

you

want

to

avoid

a

diplomatic

incident

you

better

let

me

go

right

now

(LAUGHING)

Look

listen

I

didn't

come

here

to

get

a

makeover

I

need

to

leave

Do

you

understand

(LAUGHS)

(SIGHS)

(LAUGHS)

I

can't

believe

it

I'm

not

here

to

try

on

a

stupid

dress

Call

your

chief

or

a

translator

so

we

can

at

least

communicate

Do

you

understand

what

I

am

saying

 

 

(ROARS)

Hmm

Okay

This

is

where

you

lose

the

hardware

soldier

boy

I'd

rather

hold

onto

it

I'm

on

duty

Yeah

well

unfortunately

rules

are

rules

and

this

is

a

place

where

we

make

love

not

war

Here's

your

ticket

Don't

lose

it

(CHUCKLES)

Can

we

make

a

deal

Let's

not

talk

about

business

can

we

Let's

talk

pleasure

What

kinda

music

are

you

into

huh

You

like

techno

Macro

Bio

Nano

 

I'm

more

retro

 

Oh

Me

too

Oldies

are

goodies

Sit

down

Relax

And

enjoy

the

show

(EXHALING)

(PLAYING

ORGAN)

(UPBEAT

MUSIC

PLAYING)

(GASPS)

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHING)

Ha

(LAUGHS)

 

 

JOLLY:

I

don't

know

how

long

I

can

keep

doing

this

So

what'll

it

be

soldier

Look

that

was

really

cool

but

not

exactly

what

I'm

looking

for

right

now

Well

I

have

a

whole

lot

more

in

stock

if

you

just

tell

me

what

you

have

in

mind

I

have

a

lot

in

mind

And

no

time

for

this

I'll

pass

Listen

I

have

a

problem

and

I

really

need

your

help

You

didn't

like

my

performance

No

no

yeah

I

 

 

Learning

my

trade

in

all

the

top

schools

 

 

I'm

sure

you

can

I

know

all

of

Shakespeare

by

heart

if

you

want

Poetry

maybe

You

like

poetry

 

 

Tough

choice

I'm

afraid

of

a

kiss

Like

the

kiss

of

a

bee

I

suffer

like

this

And

wake

endlessly

I'm

afraid

of

a

kiss

(GUN

CHARGING)

How

about

I

tell

you

what

I

really

have

in

mind

(SCREAMING)

 

No

quit

screaming

 

How'd

you

get

a

gun

 

 

Major

Valerian

I

advise

you

to

put

that

gun

down

 

 

Okay

okay

Okay

 

Please

No

Don't

shoot

me

 

That

is

you

when

you

were

 

You're

not

going

to

shoot

yourself

are

you

 

Will

you

go

back

to

normal

please

 

Okay

okay

No

Not

this

normal

The

other

one

Okay

okay

Thank

you

What's

your

name

Whatever

you

want

it

to

be

sweetie

I

don't

have

time

for

your

games

sweetie

Come

on

tell

me

what's

your

name

(SIGHS)

Bubble

Look

Bubble

I

lost

my

partner

If

you

help

me

find

her

I'll

set

you

free

What

good

is

freedom

when

you're

an

illegal

immigrant

 

 

I'll

get

you

an

ID

pass

You

have

my

word

(SIGHS)

If

I

leave

Jolly

will

kill

me

No

Jolly

won't

kill

anybody

ever

again

So

what

do

you

say

Bubble

You

really

liked

my

performance

Best

I

ever

saw

Thank

you

You're

welcome

(CLEARS

THROAT)

So

I'm

gonna

take

 

You

two

keep

an

eye

on

old

soldier

boy

He

seems

like

a

real

freak

to

me

(CLEARS

THROAT)

Okay

Bubble

get

off

me

BUBBLE:

All

right

all

right

I'm

doing

this

(GRUNTS)

(SIGHS)

Hey

you

good

Thanks

 

 

Yeah

but

no

foreigners

are

allowed

The

only

way

in

is

to

look

like

one

of

them

Oh

no

no

no

I've

never

played

a

Boulan

Bathor

before

What

Are

you

an

artist

or

not

Yes

but

I

need

time

to

get

into

my

role

and

capture

my

movements

and

behaviors

and

character's

arc

We

do

a

couple

rehearsals

you

give

me

some

notes

Well

a

little

improv

never

hurt

anyone

Let's

go

(SIGHS)

All

right

Turn

around

(GRUNTS)

Ugh

This

is

not

right

I

need

a

manicure

(HUMMING)

Don't

you

think

the

hat

might

be

a

little

bit

over

the

top

Uh

Uh

Never

mind

VALERIAN:

Hey

hey

hey

hey

what

are

you

doing

BUBBLE:

Give

me

a

second

to

get

the

hang

of

it

VALERIAN:

Hurry

people

are

staring

at

us

BUBBLE:

I

told

you

I

needed

rehearsals

This

is

a

heavy

role

VALERIAN:

Much

better

You're

doing

good

General

we've

picked

up

the

Major's

trail

again

Finally

Where

is

he

In

Boulan

Bathor

territory

In

the

Nobody

gets

in

there

And

definitely

not

out

of

there

(SIGHS)

We'll

need

reinforcements

Inform

the

Minister

Yes

sir

(GRUNTS)

BUBBLE:

So

how

did

you

come

to

lose

your

partner

 

VALERIAN:

Because

I'm

stupid

 

VALERIAN:

All

I

do

is

flirt

and

joke

BUBBLE:

Oh

trying

to

be

cool

rather

than

being

honest

VALERIAN:

Story

of

my

life

BUBBLE:

How

young

were

you

when

you

lost

your

mom

VALERIAN:

Please

don't

go

there

right

now

BUBBLE:

It's

okay

to

be

vulnerable

sometimes

VALERIAN:

Can

we

stop

this

and

get

back

to

the

mission

please

And

don't

touch

anything

BUBBLE:

Well

it

wouldn't

hurt

you

to

show

some

weakness

VALERIAN:

I'm

not

good

at

that

BUBBLE:

It

will

make

her

feel

important

VALERIAN:

Yeah

believe

me

she's

already

the

most

important

thing

in

my

life

(GRUNTS)

VALERIAN:

I

think

he

wants

us

to

join

the

group

BUBBLE:

I'm

not

sure

that's

a

good

idea

VALERIAN:

It

doesn't

look

like

he's

giving

us

much

choice

(GRUNTING)

BUBBLE:

What's

going

on

VALERIAN:

I

guess

it's

lunchtime

for

Emperor

Boulan

III

(GRUNTING)

BUBBLE:

Bussing

tables

every

artist's

worst

nightmare

Never

mention

this

to

anyone

okay

VALERIAN:

Thank

your

lucky

stars

we're

not

the

main

course

(GRUNTING)

Oh

 

 

BUBBLE:

I'm

going

to

be

sick

(GRUNTING)

(GROANS)

(GAGS)

VALERIAN:

There

she

is

BUBBLE:

Wow

You're

right

she's

a

 

Hmm

(GRUNTING)

(GRUNTING)

 

 

(SIGHS)

 

 

 

VALERIAN:

Something's

wrong

 

BUBBLE:

How

about

I

do

a

little

dance

 

 

VALERIAN:

No

thanks

(GRUNTS)

(CLANGS)

(SCREAMS)

(LAURELINE

GRUNTING)

 

You

guys

are

in

big

trouble

 

VALERIAN:

I

think

you

should

let

me

handle

this

 

Valerian

 

VALERIAN:

I'm

in

here

VALERIAN:

Hey

(SCREAMS)

You're

gonna

be

a

good

boy

okay

Down

Stay

VALERIAN:

Laureline

it's

me

Valerian

What

(GROANS)

Oh

VALERIAN:

Bubble

get

off

me

BUBBLE:

Yes

you're

right

let's

go

Whoo

Excuse

me

Your

Highness

(GRUNTING)

(CHUCKLES)

Hey

baby

(BOTH

GRUNT)

I

deserved

that

Watch

out

This

is

a

lady

You

can't

fight

her

BUBBLE:

Let's

talk

about

this

You're

gonna

hurt

yourself

I

warned

you

(PANTING)

Well

that's

what

I

call

a

partner

Whoohoo

Bravo

That

was

amazing

I'm

very

impressed

Hey

Hey

(ALL

GRUNTING)

Trust

me

on

this

(BOTH

SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING)

(GRUNTING)

SERGEANT

NEZA:

Third

Regiment

approaching

sir

 

 

And

the

Commander

Any

ransom

demands

Negative

Minister

on

line

Okay

(BEEPING)

My

respects

Minister

General

you've

been

authorized

by

the

council

to

assume

command

of

this

operation

 

 

Thank

you

sir

But

to

fulfill

my

mission

I

will

need

full

access

to

Commander

Filitt's

data

According

to

regulations

that

is

impossible

without

his

explicit

agreement

The

Commander

may

well

be

dead

If

I

am

to

succeed

in

my

new

assignment

I

need

to

know

everything

(SIGHS)

 

 

Thank

you

sir

Declassify

Request

file

on

the

Planet

Mül

(COMPUTER)

Request

authorized

Huh

"The

Conflict

with

the

Southern

Territories"

"The

war

against

the

Azien

Korn

led

to

the

destruction

of

Planet

Mül"

Tell

me

more

about

the

planet

The

planet

was

uninhabited

Who's

in

charge

of

this

operation

(BEEPING)

This

does

not

smell

good

(CONVERTER

CHIRPING)

Told

you

there

was

a

door

Someone

didn't

look

over

the

plans

before

they

came

rushing

in

As

usual

What

you'd

rather

I'd

showed

up

after

the

main

event

I'd

rather

you

took

me

someplace

other

than

a

giant

trash

can

Bubble

Bubble

where

are

you

Where

is

she

LAURELINE:

She

was

right

behind

us

BUBBLE:

I'm

here

What's

wrong

I

must've

been

injured

during

the

fight

Bubble

tell

me

what

to

do

(GASPING)

Nothing

you

can

do

Anyway

where

I'm

from

life

is

more

painful

than

death

Don't

say

that

Unfortunately

it's

true

Life's

a

drag

when

you

don't

have

an

identity

to

call

your

own

You

do

have

an

identity

You're

the

greatest

artist

I've

ever

seen

I

thank

you

It

was

my

pleasure

performing

for

you

I

leave

you

my

kingdom

Take

good

care

of

it

I

will

But

most

importantly

Yeah

Take

good

care

of

her

Love

her

without

measure

"There's

beggary

in

love

that

can

be

reckoned"

Let's

go

(BEEPS)

All

the

battleships

have

docked

General

Good

I

want

Section

 

operative

as

soon

as

possible

What

are

those

Ktron

doing

there

The

Commander

programmed

them

personally

 

They

can't

be

deactivated

 

That's

all

we

need

Do

you

have

any

idea

where

we're

going

Yeah

sure

I

mean

 

 

You're

sure

or

you

guess

Look

I

know

it

sounds

strange

but

it

The

Princess

she's

guiding

me

The

Princess

She's

guiding

you

Yeah

Look

it's

hard

to

explain

but

it's

like

she's

been

with

me

the

whole

time

Wait

You

mean

to

tell

me

that

you've

had

a

woman

inside

of

you

since

the

beginning

Laureline

can

we

just

keep

going

please

Sure

 

 

(SOLDIER

SHOUTING

INDISTINCTLY)

SOLDIER

:

Go

fill

it

in

Fill

it

in

 

 

SOLDIER

:

Over

there

Captain

Kris

Section

operational

General

Proceed

A

unit

of

Ktrons

will

join

you

 

That

won't

be

necessary

 

Commander's

orders

not

mine

Copy

that

Move

on

(ANIMALS

SQUEAKING

AND

CHITTERING)

We've

been

manipulated

from

the

start

What

do

you

mean

We're

in

the

middle

of

the

Dead

Zone

and

we

can

breathe

properly

It

seems

there's

no

sign

of

contamination

The

Commander's

fully

aware

of

what's

behind

this

socalled

absolute

evil

What

Pearls

My

name

is

Tsûuri

I

am

the

Emperor's

son

Great

How

about

you

introduce

us

to

Daddy

He

is

expecting

you

Try

to

contact

the

General

Get

everyone

down

here

I'll

buy

us

some

time

How

about

you

run

for

backup

for

a

change

Unbelievable

Follow

me

I'd

like

you

to

meet

my

father

the

Emperor

My

name

is

HabanLimaï

and

this

is

my

wife

Aloi

(GREETING

IN

ALIEN

LANGUAGE)

ALOI:

We're

pleased

to

welcome

you

here

My

son

sensed

the

presence

of

his

sister

Princess

LïhioMinaa

in

you

It

seems

she

chose

you

What

do

you

mean

At

the

moment

of

passing

Pearls

release

all

the

energy

left

in

their

body

in

the

form

of

a

wave

which

travels

through

space

and

time

Sometimes

it

finds

a

benevolent

host

LïhoMinaa

chose

you

to

be

the

guardian

of

her

soul

Told

you

(INHALES

SHARPLY)

My

daughter

I'm

so

happy

to

see

you

Same

here

I

mean

she

is

too

What

exactly

happened

to

you

and

your

people

Our

planet

was

a

true

paradise

on

which

we

lived

in

harmony

with

the

elements

Our

main

activity

was

fishing

for

the

pearls

who

possessed

phenomenal

energy

They

fertilized

our

lands

controlled

the

winds

and

tides

Three

times

a

year

we

gave

to

the

earth

what

the

sea

had

given

us

We

lived

like

this

in

harmony

for

centuries

and

centuries

Until

the

day

of

the

apocalypse

(DISTANT

RUMBLING)

In

the

sky

over

our

planet

other

people

blindly

fought

out

a

brutal

war

A

war

between

people

we

didn't

even

know

Missiles

loaded

sir

COMMANDER:

Engage

fusiomissiles

Do

you

confirm

sir

COMMANDER:

Yes

I

do

At

your

command

By

the

grace

of

God

(CONSOLE

BEEPING)

Your

daughter

died

during

the

battle

Yes

like

six

million

others

What

happened

after

the

explosion

We

drifted

in

space

for

many

years

Aboard

a

vessel

we

salvaged

from

the

wreckage

and

that

was

halfdestroyed

(SPEAKING

ALIEN

LANGUAGE)

This

new

environment

was

quite

different

from

ours

And

at

first

we

needed

time

to

understand

it

absorbing

the

vast

knowledge

stored

in

its

database

We

learned

languages

and

mathematics

physics

chemistry

 

 

We

learned

about

the

millions

of

planets

and

stars

and

moons

in

a

universe

we

never

knew

existed

And

we

learned

of

the

countless

species

who

inhabit

this

universe

Including

humans

the

ones

who

destroyed

our

planet

Time

has

not

dimmed

the

memories

of

our

loss

but

it

has

allowed

us

to

let

go

of

our

anger

toward

those

responsible

(SPEAKING

ALIEN

LANGUAGE)

Then

one

day

we

were

picked

up

by

scrap

dealers

traveling

the

galaxy

After

a

few

years

their

hold

was

full

And

they

went

off

to

sell

their

cargo

on

a

huge

construction

site

 

 

The

City

of

a

Thousand

Planets

where

for

hundreds

of

years

so

many

species

have

shared

their

knowledge

and

intelligence

with

each

other

In

the

shadows

of

Alpha

we

lived

undetected

all

the

while

watching

and

learning

from

each

of

them

Until

we

acquired

both

the

knowledge

and

the

materials

to

build

a

vessel

of

our

own

Our

planet

is

gone

forever

but

with

what

we

have

learned

we

are

now

able

to

replicate

and

restore

our

lost

world

 

 

There

are

only

two

things

that

we

lack

A

Mül

Converter

And

a

pearl

The

only

one

Tsûuri

managed

to

salvage

We

are

survivors

but

that

makes

us

witnesses

Witnesses

of

a

past

that

humans

want

to

erase

and

forget

forever

We

can

forgive

but

how

can

we

forget

So

we

left

you

no

choice

but

to

steal

the

Converter

and

Tsûuri

hired

a

professional

Igon

Siruss

But

Major

Valerian

intervenes

and

retrieves

the

Converter

Which

left

you

with

only

one

choice

Kidnap

the

Commander

and

force

him

to

tell

you

the

truth

You

know

our

story

now

Our

destiny

is

in

your

hands

(ALL

GASP)

Major

arrest

these

creatures

immediately

They

kidnapped

me

They're

extremely

dangerous

They're

Pearls

from

the

Planet

Mül

I

heard

their

ridiculous

story

That's

impossible

Mül

was

uninhabited

Their

existence

proves

the

contrary

doesn't

it

I

am

telling

you

there

was

no

life

on

the

planet

The

detectors

were

categorical

Arrest

them

How

can

you

be

so

sure

Because

I

read

the

reports

and

And

you

were

on

board

Yes

Yes

I

was

on

board

And

we

had

much

more

serious

things

to

worry

about

Our

cruisers

were

being

decimated

We

lost

soldiers

in

a

day

It

was

complete

carnage

You

were

so

preoccupied

you

didn't

see

the

detectors

indicating

signs

of

life

on

the

planet

Or

even

worse

Perhaps

you

knew

the

planet

was

inhabited

and

you

sacrificed

it

Commander

the

planet

is

inhabited

 

 

No

Commander

I

have

detected

a

complex

language

and

huge

cerebral

energy

Major

History

is

on

the

march

and

neither

you

nor

a

bunch

of

savages

are

gonna

stand

in

its

way

So

when

you

realized

survivors

from

Planet

Mül

were

living

in

the

heart

of

Alpha

you

decided

to

erase

any

trace

of

your

mistake

rather

than

accept

the

consequences

I

want

no

survivors

And

you

destroyed

all

the

evidence

that

Major

Samk

had

against

you

What

did

you

expect

me

to

do

It

was

the

only

way

Admitting

to

an

error

on

this

scale

would

have

exposed

our

government

to

colossal

damages

and

compensation

claims

Our

economy

would

never

recover

In

one

instance

we

would

have

lost

our

supremacy

and

our

leadership

There

would

have

been

immediate

sanctions

and

it's

a

pretty

good

bet

that

we

would

have

been

banished

from

Alpha

and

denied

access

to

the

greatest

market

of

knowledge

and

intelligence

Is

that

what

you

would

have

wanted

for

your

fellow

citizens

Leading

them

into

ruin

and

degradation

Forcing

them

to

go

backwards

years

Our

Council

saw

fit

to

protect

our

citizens

first

and

foremost

Is

that

not

its

duty

And

mine

 

 

Or

would

you

rather

risk

wrecking

our

economy

for

the

sake

of

a

bunch

of

Savages

You

are

totally

under

the

influence

of

these

creatures

Do

not

confuse

the

issue

He's

the

threat

He's

the

enemy

You

are

your

own

worst

enemy

Commander

Unless

you

make

peace

with

your

past

you

won't

have

a

future

Major

I

order

you

to

arrest

this

man

Can

we

talk

mantoman

for

a

second

Major

what

are

you

doing

I

taught

him

how

to

do

that

Whew

Nice

talk

Move

on

move

on

move

on

Section

is

entering

the

Red

Zone

Prepare

Section

for

an

advance

also

Look

this

was

a

lot

of

fun

but

we

gotta

report

back

to

our

people

Here

That's

yours

We'll

make

this

right

I

promise

Let's

get

this

guy

out

Whoa

what

are

you

doing

I'm

giving

them

back

the

Converter

No

The

pearl

is

useless

without

this

Yeah

but

Will

you

give

us

a

second

please

What

That

Converter

is

government

property

Most

likely

the

last

one

in

the

whole

universe

Oh

So

you

buy

into

the

Commander's

"What's

mine

is

mine

and

what's

yours

is

mine

philosophy"

No

I

buy

into

my

oath

of

allegiance

We

have

no

authority

to

hand

it

over

The

Federation

messed

up

and

must

make

amends

Yeah

I

agree

but

that's

not

for

us

to

decide

 

 

They're

light

years

away

Valerian

Only

we

can

make

this

right

Laureline

I'm

a

soldier

I

play

by

the

rules

It's

what

makes

me

who

I

am

You

see

That's

why

I

don't

want

to

marry

you

because

you

really

don't

know

what

love

is

Come

on

this

has

nothing

to

do

with

love

That's

where

you're

wrong

Love

is

more

powerful

than

anything

else

Valerian

It

breaks

all

rules

and

laws

and

overpowers

any

army

or

government

Just

look

at

her

For

one

second

put

yourself

in

her

position

She

lost

all

of

her

people

and

her

child

and

she's

willing

to

forgive

That's

real

love

It's

the

trust

you

place

in

someone

else

and

I

thought

I

could

be

that

someone

else

for

you

 

 

You

are

I'd

die

for

you

I'm

not

asking

you

to

die

for

me

I'm

asking

you

to

trust

me

All

right

give

it

to

'em

Thank

you

We

are

to

blame

for

the

loss

of

your

planet

and

we'd

be

honored

to

help

you

get

it

back

Here

(CONVERTER

SQUEALING)

(SPEAKING

ALIEN

LANGUAGE)

It

means

"Thank

you"

(SCOFFS)

Spread

out

Spread

out

GENERAL

OKTOBAR:

Captain

we're

locked

on

to

you

Any

sign

of

contamination

or

radiation

Zero

trace

of

either

It

doesn't

make

any

sense

Didn't

you

say

you

wanted

to

go

to

the

beach

Our

daughter

made

a

good

choice

She

can

rest

in

peace

now

We

must

leave

now

May

you

and

your

people

live

in

peace

wherever

you

may

venture

in

space

and

time

(BEEPING)

Explosives

in

place

General

We

are

operational

Received

Evacuate

the

zone

You

have

four

minutes

Copy

that

Father

there

are

hundreds

of

soldiers

 

 

The

troops

are

in

position

you

don't

have

a

minute

You

have

no

means

of

communication

with

the

outside

world

If

we

stop

jamming

signals

we

are

defenseless

If

you

don't

allow

me

to

communicate

with

them

you'll

be

defenseless

forever

Just

one

call

 

 

Thank

you

The

wall

stopped

moving

Something's

going

on

Maintain

your

position

We're

analyzing

the

data

I

can't

believe

they'd

do

that

The

General

followed

procedure

Yeah

I

hate

procedure

GENERAL

OKTOBAR:

Captain

the

data

shows

that

they

have

built

some

kind

of

vessel

beyond

the

wall

Contact

with

the

enemy

Give

me

a

physical

description

Same

creatures

who

kidnapped

the

Commander

They

showing

any

signs

of

hostility

(SPEAKING

ALIEN

LANGUAGE)

Not

really

 

 

General

we're

picking

up

a

signal

from

the

Destiny

module

 

 

 

 

Major

you're

on

line

with

the

General

 

 

Major

Valerian

and

Sergeant

Laureline

We're

alive

and

on

the

inside

of

the

wall

Call

off

the

assault

immediately

Major

I

can't

read

your

DNA

codes

You

know

the

procedure

I

have

to

be

certain

it's

you

There

is

no

time

for

dumbass

procedures

We

are

here

with

a

whole

species

of

people

you've

already

wiped

out

once

The

Pearls

of

Planet

Mül

So

tell

your

men

to

back

off

before

you

commit

a

second

genocide

 

That's

definitely

her

temper

 

Come

on

You

know

that's

not

true

The

Commander

was

there

He

gave

the

orders

And

then

he

organized

this

whole

procedure

to

eliminate

any

survivors

the

living

proof

of

his

mistake

 

 

why

the

Commander

was

interrogating

that

creature

Is

the

Commander

with

you

(VALERIAN

GRUNTING)

Come

on

Wakey

wakey

 

You've

got

a

call

 

(YELLS)

Let's

go

my

friend

Time

to

confess

Hello

No

DNA

code

but

voice

waves

match

This

is

General

OktoBar

Do

you

read

me

Commander

What's

going

on

We

are

ready

to

activate

the

explosive

device

in

accordance

with

the

orders

you

gave

Do

you

confirm

those

orders

or

do

you

have

anything

to

tell

me

that

would

enable

me

to

suspend

the

assault

I

am

a

soldier

A

soldier

will

always

choose

death

over

humiliation

Annihilate

them

all

(ALL

SCREAMING)

(MAN

SCREAMING)

 

 

I

didn't

give

the

orders

Captain

cease

fire

immediately

It's

not

us

it's

the

Ktrons

They're

shooting

at

us

Come

on

you

I'm

gonna

go

give

Tsûuri

some

backup

Keep

an

eye

on

him

 

Oh

he's

not

going

anywhere

 

Get

down

Take

cover

Alex

load

me

up

with

all

you've

got

 

 

(GROANING)

 

Neza

stop

this

countdown

now

 

Yes

sir

Hurry

Neza

Hurry

Neza

 

 

Ten

seconds

Hurry

(PANTING)

Neza

Check

for

survivors

(PANTING)

(COUGHS)

Captain

status

report

Nothing's

left

Just

a

gaping

hole

They

left

with

their

spaceship

Everything's

vanished

And

our

agents

Valerian

and

Laureline

 

No

nothing

 

COMMANDER

FILITT:

Is

anyone

there

Wait

I

hear

something

There's

a

body

Get

me

down

from

here

you

children

It's

the

Commander

Is

he

alive

Affirmative

Alive

and

kicking

Good

Arrest

him

COMMANDER

FILITT:

Help

LAURELINE:

Do

you

have

any

idea

where

they

left

us

VALERIAN:

We're

two

hours

away

from

vacation

I

fired

the

distress

beacons

 

 

Yeah

I

know

 

Two

hours

alone

with

me

what

a

drag

 

No

kidding

It's

basically

an

eternity

(CHUCKLES)

Hey

Now

that

our

mission's

over

maybe

we

can

finish

our

conversation

What

conversation

We

were

talking

about

the

future

Really

And

what

does

the

future

hold

You

Me

Us

Happy

birthday

Thank

you

Valerian

That

is

so

romantic

Did

you

really

think

of

this

yourself

Yeah

You

mean

so

much

to

me

you

know

Laureline

will

you

do

me

the

honor

of

becoming

my

wife

For

better

or

worse

Uh

worse

Is

that

negotiable

No

All

right

then

Is

that

a

yes

It's

a

maybe

I'm

confused

Is

this

how

love

works

No

this

is

how

I

work

You

spent

a

day

in

a

woman's

body

did

you

not

learn

anything

Yeah

I

did

learn

something

What

I

want

only

your

name

on

my

playlist

 

I

gotta

find

myself

gonna

find

it

now

I

gotta

be

a

man

I

gotta

find

him

now

 

 

I

gotta

be

a

man

I

gotta

be

the

man

 

 

They

wanna

take

me

down

Wanna

see

me

crawl

 

 

I

gotta

be

a

man

I

gotta

find

him

now

I

gotta

be

a

man

I

gotta

be

the

man

 

 

I

gotta

find

myself

gonna

find

it

now

 

 

I

gotta

be

a

man

I

gotta

find

him

now

I

gotta

be

a

man

I

gotta

be

the

man

 

 

When

I

come

to

town

for

the

last

time

Pull

up

in

a

fast

car

for

the

first

time

 

 

I'm

gonna

say

goodbye

You

didn't

see

me

cry

 

 

I

got

a

million

on

my

soul

I

go

build

an

army

on

my

own

 

 

They

put

a

bounty

on

my

soul

 

 

Won't

you

leave

me

alone

more

Oh

leave

me

alone

more

 

 

I

gotta

be

a

man

I

gotta

be

a

man

 

 

Won't

you

leave

me

alone

more

Oh

leave

me

alone

more

 

 

I

gotta

be

a

man

I

gotta

be

a

man

 

 

I

gotta

find

myself

gonna

find

it

now

I

gotta

be

a

man

I

gotta

find

him

now

 

 

I

gotta

be

the

man

 

 

Your

stare

makes

me

freeze

But

I

can't

stay

still

 

 

Those

eyes

keep

me

up

longer

Than

any

other

pill

 

 

And

I

know

being

together

We

feel

like

forever

 

 

But

now

more

than

ever

I

feel

everything

Feeling

everything

 

 

You

make

me

feel

so

crazy

I've

never

felt

so

sane

 

 

Beaten

up

by

love

But

the

feelings

still

remain

 

 

You

should

know

If

you

want

it

it's

yours

 

So

come

and

get

it

right

now

 

 

More

than

ever

I

feel

everything

Feeling

everything

 

 

All

I

got

I'm

yours

I'll

give

it

to

you

be

mine

 

 

You're

in

my

brain

I'm

yours

And

in

my

heart

too

be

mine

 

 

Because

I

am

yours

I

want

you

If

you

want

me

too

I

want

you

 

 

Tell

me

you

want

me

too

'Cause

I'll

give

it

all

to

you

 

 

I'm

scared

that

I'm

falling

Come

catch

me

I'm

falling

 

 

My

heart

is

calling

you

can't

stop

me

roaring

I'm

soaring

I'm

sky

high

 

 

I'm

scared

that

I'm

falling

I'm

blind

and

I'm

falling

 

 

My

love

is

calling

You

can't

stop

me

roaring

I'm

soaring

 

 

Come

jump

with

me

and

fly

 

 

Never

thought

I'd

fall

like

this

 

 

I've

tripped

right

into

This

eternal

bliss

 

 

And

I

know

being

together

We

feel

like

forever

 

 

But

now

more

than

ever

I

feel

everything

Feeling

everything

 

 

All

I

got

I'm

yours

I'll

give

it

to

you

be

mine

 

 

You're

in

my

brain

I'm

yours

And

my

heart

too

be

mine

 

 

Because

I'm

yours

If

you

want

me

too

 

 

Tell

me

you

want

me

too

'Cause

I'll

give

it

all

to

you

 

 

I'm

scared

that

I'm

falling

Feeling

everything

 

 

Feeling

everything

 

 

Feeling

everything

 

 

Feeling

everything

 

(ETHEREAL

MUSIC)

 

 

 

All

right

team

stay

in

sight

of

each

other

Let's

make

NASA

proud

today

How's

it

looking

over

there

Watney

Well

you'll

be

happy

to

hear

that

in

Grid

Section

 

the

particles

were

predominantly

coarse

but

in

they're

much

finer

and

they

should

be

ideal

for

chem

analysis

Oh

wow

Did

everybody

hear

that

Mark

just

discovered

dirt

Should

we

alert

the

media

Sorry

what

are

you

doing

today

Martinez

Making

sure

the

MAV

is

still

upright

I'd

like

you

to

know

that

visual

inspection

of

the

equipment

is

imperative

to

mission

success

I

also

would

like

to

report

that

the

MAV

is

still

upright

Watney

you

keep

leaving

your

channel

open

which

leads

to

Martinez

responding

which

leads

to

all

of

us

listening

which

leads

to

me

being

annoyed

Roger

that

Martinez

the

captain

would

like

you

to

please

shut

your

smart

mouth

We'd

prefer

to

use

a

different

adjective

to

describe

Martinez's

mouth

Did

Beck

just

insult

me

"Dr

Beck"

And

yes

Happy

to

turn

the

radios

off

from

here

Commander

Just

say

the

word

Wait

Johanssen

Constant

communication

is

the

hallmark

Shut

'em

off

No

No

Excuse

me

I

apologize

for

my

countrymen

Vogel

Accepted

How

many

samples

do

we

need

Commander

Seven

 

grams

each

We

have

a

mission

update

A

storm

warning

Commander

you

should

come

inside

You're

gonna

want

to

see

this

What

is

it

A

storm

warning

I

saw

that

in

this

morning's

briefing

We'll

be

inside

before

it

hits

Yeah

they

upgraded

their

estimate

The

storm's

gonna

be

a

lot

worse

Martinez

how

does

it

look

Not

good

"

kilometers

in

diameter

bearing

degrees"

That's

tracking

right

towards

us

"Based

on

current

escalation

estimated

force

of

newtons"""

What's

the

abort

force

 

Anything

more

than

that

and

the

MAV

could

tip

Do

we

scrub

Begin

abort

procedure

We

are

estimating

with

a

margin

of

error

We

could

wait

it

out

Let's

wait

it

out

Let's

wait

it

out

Commander

Prep

emergency

departure

Commander

We're

scrubbed

That's

an

order

Martinez

how

long

before

takeoff

 

minutes

Visibility

is

almost

zero

Anyone

gets

lost

hone

in

on

my

suit's

telemetry

You

ready

Ready

Commander

are

you

okay

I'm

okay

Commander

we're

at

degrees

and

the

MAV

is

gonna

tip

at

 

Hey

We

might

be

able

to

keep

the

MAV

from

tipping

How

Use

the

cables

from

the

comms

mast

as

guylines

anchor

it

with

the

Rover's

Watch

out

Watney

Warning

Suit

breach

detected

What

happened

He

was

hit

Watney

report

Before

we

lost

telemetry

his

decompression

alarm

went

off

Where

did

you

last

see

him

I

don't

know

where

he

is

What

are

the

vitals

on

his

suit

He's

offline

A

complete

loss

of

signal

on

Watney

 

Beck

 

How

long

can

he

survive

decompression

Less

than

a

minute

Line

up

walk

west

He

may

be

prone

We

don't

wanna

step

over

him

Commander

We're

at

degrees

Warning

Excessive

tilt

Tilting

to

with

all

the

gusts

of

wind

Copy

that

Everyone

hone

in

on

Martinez's

suit

It'll

get

you

to

airlock

Get

in

prep

for

launch

What

about

you

Commander

I'm

gonna

search

a

little

longer

Get

moving

Go

Watney

Watney

report

The

MAV's

at

degrees

One

good

gust

and

we're

tipping

If

it

tips

you

launch

You

really

think

I'm

gonna

leave

you

behind

That's

an

order

Martinez

Mark

Mark

Can

you

hear

me

Martinez

what

about

the

proximity

radar

Could

that

detect

Watney's

suit

It's

made

to

see

the

Hermes

from

orbit

not

a

little

piece

of

metal

from

a

single

suit

Give

it

a

try

Roger

What

is

she

thinking

She

knows

the

infrared

can't

get

through

a

sandstorm

She's

grasping

for

anything

We've

got

negative

contact

on

the

proximity

radar

Nothing

No

I

can

barely

see

the

Hab

Commander

I

know

you

don't

wanna

hear

this

but

Mark

is

dead

Commander

Hey

what

the

hell

is

wrong

with

you

man

My

friend

just

died

I

don't

want

my

commander

to

die

too

Stability

warning

We're

tipping

Commander

you

need

to

get

back

to

the

ship

now

 

degrees

If

we

pass

balance

we'll

never

rock

back

I've

got

one

more

trick

left

and

then

I'm

following

orders

Commander

You're

firing

the

OMS

That's

right

Commander

On

my

way

Johanssen

let's

go

Mark

We're

at

and

holding

Ready

to

go

on

your

command

Ready

to

launch

Commander

I

need

you

to

verbally

tell

me

whether

or

not

to

Launch

At

around

:

am

Central

Standard

Time

our

satellites

detected

a

storm

approaching

the

Ares

 

mission

site

on

Mars

At

:

the

storm

had

escalated

to

severe

and

we

had

no

choice

but

to

abort

the

mission

Thanks

to

the

quick

action

of

Commander

Lewis

astronauts

Beck

Johanssen

Martinez

and

Vogel

were

all

able

to

reach

the

Mars

Ascent

Vehicle

and

perform

an

emergency

launch

at

:

Central

Time

Unfortunately

during

the

evacuation

astronaut

Mark

Watney

was

struck

by

debris

and

killed

Commander

Lewis

and

the

rest

of

her

team

were

able

to

intercept

safely

with

the

Hermes

and

are

now

heading

home

But

Mark

Watney

is

dead

Director

Sanders

Oxygen

level

critical

Oxygen

level

critical

Oxygen

level

Pressure

stable

Fuck

Okay

Okay

Hello

this

is

Mark

Watney

astronaut

I'm

entering

this

log

for

the

record

in

case

I

don't

make

it

It

is

:

on

Sol

 

and

I'm

alive

Obviously

But

I'm

guessing

that's

gonna

come

as

a

surprise

to

my

crewmates

and

to

NASA

And

to

the

entire

world

really

so

Surprise

I

did

not

die

on

Sol

 

Best

I

can

figure

this

length

of

our

primary

communications

antenna

broke

off

and

tore

through

my

biomonitor

and

ripped

a

hole

in

me

as

well

But

the

antenna

and

the

blood

really

managed

to

seal

the

breach

in

my

suit

which

kept

me

alive

even

though

the

crew

must

have

thought

I

was

dead

I

have

no

way

to

contact

NASA

And

even

if

I

could

it's

gonna

be

four

years

until

a

manned

mission

can

reach

me

And

I'm

in

a

Hab

designed

to

last

days

If

the

oxygenator

breaks

I'm

gonna

suffocate

If

the

water

reclaimer

breaks

I'll

die

of

thirst

If

the

Hab

breaches

I'm

just

gonna

kind

of

implode

And

if

by

some

miracle

none

of

that

happens

eventually

I'm

gonna

run

out

of

food

So

yeah

Yeah

I'm

not

gonna

die

here

 

 

 

 

 

Sweet

and

sour

chicken

What

do

we

got

Right

let's

do

the

math

Our

surface

mission

here

was

supposed

to

last

sols

For

redundancy

they

sent

 

sols

worth

of

food

That's

for

people

So

for

just

me

that's

gonna

last

sols

which

I

figure

I

can

stretch

to

if

I

ration

So

I

got

to

figure

out

a

way

to

grow

three

years'

worth

of

food

here

On

a

planet

where

nothing

grows

Luckily

I'm

a

botanist

Mars

will

come

to

fear

my

botany

powers

Pressure

stable

Staple

came

out

Fuck

you

Mars

Johanssen

Jesus

 

Sunday

Monday

Happy

Days

 

Tuesday

Wednesday

Happy

Days

 

Thursday

Friday

Happy

Days

 

The

weekend

comes

my

cycle

hums

 

Ready

to

race

to

you

 

The

problem

is

water

I

have

created

square

meters

of

soil

But

every

cubic

meter

of

soil

requires

 

liters

of

water

to

be

farmable

So

I

gotta

make

a

lot

more

water

Good

thing

is

I

know

the

recipe

You

take

hydrogen

you

add

oxygen

you

burn

Now

I

have

hundreds

of

liters

of

unused

hydrazine

at

the

MDV

If

I

run

the

hydrazine

over

an

iridium

catalyst

it'll

separate

into

N

and

H

And

then

if

I

just

direct

the

hydrogen

into

a

small

area

and

burn

it

Luckily

in

the

history

of

humanity

nothing

bad

has

ever

happened

from

lighting

hydrogen

on

fire

NASA

hates

fire

Because

of

the

whole

"fire

makes

everybody

die

in

space"

thing

So

everything

they

sent

us

up

here

with

is

flameretardant

with

the

notable

exception

of

Martinez's

personal

items

I

am

sorry

Martinez

But

if

you

didn't

want

me

to

go

through

your

stuff

you

shouldn't

have

left

me

for

dead

on

a

desolate

planet

By

the

way

I'm

figuring

you're

gonna

be

fine

with

this

given

my

present

situation

What's

everybody

doing

Taking

a

holiday

from

being

cool

Counting

on

you

Whoo

So

yeah

I

blew

myself

up

Best

guess

I

forgot

to

account

for

the

excess

oxygen

that

I've

been

exhaling

when

I

did

my

calculations

Because

I'm

stupid

Yeah

I'm

gonna

get

back

to

work

here

just

as

soon

as

my

ears

stop

ringing

Interesting

side

note

this

is

actually

how

the

Jet

Propulsion

Lab

was

founded

Five

guys

at

Caltech

were

trying

to

make

rocket

fuel

and

they

nearly

burned

down

their

dorm

And

rather

than

expel

them

they

banished

them

to

a

nearby

farm

told

them

to

keep

working

And

now

we

have

a

space

program

Okay

Hey

there

The

nation

was

blessed

to

have

Mark

serving

in

our

space

program

While

his

loss

will

be

deeply

felt

the

men

and

women

of

NASA

will

soldier

forth

onward

and

upward

in

the

mission

of

their

agency

By

doing

so

they

honor

the

legacy

Mark's

leaving

behind

and

they

ensure

his

sacrifice

will

not

be

in

vain

I

have

the

honor

of

speaking

not

only

for

the

men

and

women

of

NASA

but

for

people

all

over

the

world

I

thought

you

gave

a

lovely

speech

by

the

way

I

need

you

to

authorize

my

satellite

time

It's

not

gonna

happen

We're

funded

for

five

Ares

missions

I

think

I

can

get

Congress

to

authorize

a

sixth

 

 

Ares

evac'd

after

sols

There's

half

a

mission

worth

of

supplies

up

there

I

can

sell

it

at

a

fraction

of

the

cost

of

a

normal

mission

and

all

I

have

to

know

is

what's

left

of

our

assets

You're

not

the

only

one

who

needs

satellite

time

We've

got

the

Ares

 

supply

missions

coming

up

We

should

be

focusing

on

the

Schiaparelli

Crater

Okay

we

got

satellites

up

there

Surely

we

can

spare

a

few

hours

It's

not

about

the

satellite

time

Vince

We're

a

public

domain

organization

We

need

to

be

transparent

on

this

Okay

The

second

we

point

the

satellites

at

the

Hab

I

broadcast

pictures

of

Mark

Watney's

dead

body

to

the

world

You're

afraid

of

a

PR

problem

Of

course

I'm

afraid

of

a

PR

problem

Another

mission

Congress

won't

reimburse

us

for

a

paper

clip

if

I

put

a

dead

astronaut

on

the

front

page

of

The

Washington

Post

He's

not

going

anywhere

Teddy

I

mean

he's

not

He's

not

gonna

decompose

you

know

He's

gonna

be

up

there

forever

Meteorology

estimates

that

he'll

be

covered

in

sand

from

normal

weather

activity

within

a

year

We

can't

wait

a

year

We

got

work

to

do

Ares

won't

even

launch

for

five

years

We

have

plenty

of

time

Okay

Okay

Okay

consider

this

Right

now

the

world's

on

our

side

Sympathy

for

the

Watney

family

Ares

could

bring

his

body

home

Now

we

don't

say

that's

the

purpose

of

the

mission

but

we

make

it

clear

that

that

would

be

a

part

of

it

We

frame

it

that

way

More

support

from

Congress

But

not

if

we

wait

a

year

We

wait

a

year

nobody

gives

a

shit

Vincent

Kapoor

 

 

Acidalia

Planitia

What

Hi

Security

This

is

Mindy

Park

in

SatCon

I

need

the

emergency

contact

for

Vincent

Kapoor

Yes

him

Yes

it's

an

emergency

How

sure

%

You've

got

to

be

shitting

me

Prove

it

to

me

For

a

start

the

solar

panels

have

been

cleaned

They

could

have

been

cleaned

by

wind

Back

it

up

Look

at

Rover

 

According

to

the

logs

Commander

Lewis

took

it

out

on

Sol

 

plugged

it

into

the

Hab

to

recharge

It's

been

moved

She

could

have

forgotten

to

log

the

move

No

not

likely

Why

don't

we

just

ask

Lewis

Let's

get

on

CAPCOM

and

ask

her

directly

right

now

No

No

If

Watney

is

really

alive

we

don't

want

the

Ares

crew

to

know

How

can

you

not

tell

them

They

have

another

months

on

their

trip

home

Space

travel

is

dangerous

They

need

to

be

alert

and

undistracted

But

they

already

think

he's

dead

And

they'd

be

devastated

to

find

out

they

left

him

there

alive

I'm

sorry

but

you

have

not

thought

this

through

What

are

we

gonna

say

"Dear

America

"remember

that

astronaut

we

killed

and

had

a

really

nice

funeral

for"

"Turns

out

he's

alive

and

we

left

him

on

Mars

Our

bad

Sincerely

NASA"""

Do

you

realize

the

shitstorm

that

is

about

to

hit

us

How

are

we

going

to

handle

the

public

Legally

we

have

hours

to

release

these

pictures

We

release

a

statement

with

them

We

don't

want

people

working

it

out

on

their

own

Yes

sir

But

if

my

math

is

right

he's

going

to

starve

to

death

long

before

we

can

help

him

Can

you

imagine

what

he's

going

through

up

there

He's

million

miles

away

from

home

He

thinks

he's

totally

alone

He

thinks

we

gave

up

on

him

What

does

that

do

to

a

man

psychologically

What

the

hell

is

he

thinking

right

now

I'm

definitely

gonna

die

up

here

if

I

have

to

listen

to

any

more

godawful

disco

music

My

God

Commander

Lewis

couldn't

you

have

packed

anything

from

this

century

 

Turn

the

beat

around

 

No

I

am

not

gonna

"turn

the

beat

around"

I

refuse

to

Mr

Sanders

Mr

Sanders

What

attempts

have

been

made

to

make

contact

with

Mark

Watney

We're

working

on

it

Does

he

have

enough

supplies

to

survive

We'll

be

looking

into

that

What

does

this

say

about

the

agency

Are

you

gonna

resign

No

Director

Sanders

It's

time

to

start

thinking

long

term

The

next

NASA

mission

is

Ares

 

and

it's

supposed

to

land

at

Schiaparelli

Crater

 

kilometers

away

 

kilometers

In

four

years

when

the

next

Ares

crew

arrives

I'll

have

to

be

there

Which

means

I

have

to

get

to

the

crater

Okay

so

here's

the

rub

I've

got

one

working

Rover

designed

to

go

a

max

distance

of

kilometers

before

the

battery

has

to

be

recharged

at

the

Hab

That's

Problem

A

Problem

B

is

this

journey's

gonna

take

me

roughly

days

to

complete

So

I

gotta

live

for

days

inside

a

Rover

with

marginal

life

support

the

size

of

a

small

van

So

in

the

face

of

overwhelming

odds

I'm

left

with

only

one

option

I'm

gonna

have

to

science

the

shit

out

of

this

Okay

so

success

Uh

I

have

doubled

my

battery

life

by

scavenging

Rover

 

But

if

I

use

the

heater

I

will

burn

through

half

my

battery

every

day

If

I

do

not

use

my

heater

I

will

be

slowly

killed

by

the

laws

of

thermodynamics

I

would

love

to

solve

this

problem

right

now

but

unfortunately

my

balls

are

frozen

I

can't

I'm

calling

it

I'm

calling

it

Good

news

I

may

have

a

solution

to

my

heating

problem

Bad

news

it

involves

me

digging

up

the

Radioisotope

Thermoelectric

Generator

Now

if

I

remember

my

training

correctly

one

of

the

lessons

was

titled

"Don't

Dig

Up

the

Big

Box

of

Plutonium

Mark"

I

get

it

RTGs

are

good

for

spacecraft

but

if

they

rupture

around

humans

no

more

humans

Which

is

why

we

buried

it

when

we

arrived

And

planted

that

flag

so

we

would

never

be

stupid

enough

to

accidentally

go

near

it

again

But

as

long

as

I

don't

break

it

I

almost

just

said

"Everything

will

be

fine"

out

loud

Look

the

point

is

I'm

not

cold

anymore

And

sure

I

could

choose

to

think

about

the

fact

that

I'm

warm

because

I

have

a

decaying

radioactive

isotope

riding

right

behind

me

but

right

now

I

got

bigger

problems

on

my

hands

I

have

scoured

every

single

data

file

on

Commander

Lewis'

personal

drive

This

is

officially

the

least

disco

song

she

owns

 

Lookin'

for

some

hot

stuff

 

Baby

this

evenin'

 

I

need

some

hot

stuff

baby

tonight

 

I

want

some

hot

stuff

baby

this

evenin'

 

Gotta

have

some

hot

stuff

Gotta

have

some

love

tonight

 

Hot

stuff

 

I

need

hot

stuff

 

I

want

some

hot

stuff

 

I

need

hot

stuff

 

 

 

We

believe

that

he's

preparing

for

a

journey

He's

been

conducting

incremental

tests

taking

the

Rover

out

for

longer

and

longer

trips

each

time

To

what

end

Why

would

he

leave

the

relative

safety

of

the

Hab

Well

we

think

that

he

plans

to

travel

to

the

Ares

launch

site

in

order

to

make

contact

with

us

but

it

would

be

a

dangerous

gamble

But

if

we

could

talk

to

him

we

would

tell

him

to

stay

put

and

to

trust

that

we

are

doing

everything

in

our

power

to

bring

him

home

alive

Thank

you

very

much

Don't

say

"Bring

him

home

alive"

Vincent

You

know

what

These

interviews

aren't

easy

So

God

forbid

I

try

to

say

something

proactive

and

positive

Annie

No

more

Vincent

on

TV

Copy

that

 

kilometers

Am

I

reading

that

right

Are

you

asking

me

I

am

Yes

sir

Mark

drove

two

hours

straightaway

from

the

Hab

did

a

short

EVA

and

then

drove

for

another

two

We

think

the

EVA

was

to

change

batteries

He

didn't

load

up

the

oxygenator

or

the

water

reclaimer

Every

hours

there's

a

minute

gap

It's

just

the

way

the

orbits

work

so

it's

possible

that

we

missed

something

I

want

that

gap

down

to

four

minutes

I'm

giving

you

total

authority

over

satellite

trajectories

and

orbital

adjustments

Make

it

happen

Okay

Let's

assume

Miss

Park

didn't

miss

anything

So

Mark's

not

going

to

Ares

Yet

But

he's

smart

enough

to

figure

out

that's

his

only

chance

Bruce

what's

the

earliest

we

can

get

a

presupply

there

With

the

positions

of

Earth

and

Mars

it'll

take

nine

months

It'll

take

six

months

to

build

it

in

the

first

place

Three

months

Three

You're

going

to

say

it's

impossible

and

then

I'm

gonna

make

a

speech

about

the

blinding

capabilities

of

the

JPL

team

and

then

you're

going

to

do

the

math

in

your

head

and

say

something

like

The

overtime

alone

will

be

a

nightmare

The

overtime

alone

will

be

a

nightmare

Get

started

I'll

find

you

the

money

We

need

to

tell

the

crew

Mitch

we've

discussed

this

No

you

discussed

this

I'm

the

one

who

decides

what's

best

for

the

crew

They

deserve

to

know

Once

there's

a

real

rescue

plan

we'll

tell

them

Otherwise

it's

moot

Bruce

has

three

months

to

get

the

payload

done

That's

all

that

matters

right

now

We'll

do

our

best

Mark

dies

if

you

don't

It's

been

sols

since

I

planted

the

potatoes

So

now

it's

time

to

reap

and

resow

They

grew

even

better

than

I

expected

I

now

have

healthy

potato

plants

I

dug

them

up

being

careful

to

leave

their

plants

alive

The

smaller

ones

I'll

reseed

the

larger

ones

are

my

food

supply

All

natural

organic

Martiangrown

potatoes

You

don't

hear

that

every

day

do

you

And

by

the

way

none

of

this

matters

at

all

if

I

can't

figure

out

a

way

to

make

contact

with

NASA

I

know

what

I'm

gonna

do

Oh

He's

moving

again

Where

the

hell

is

he

going

He

hasn't

changed

course

for

days

He's

nowhere

near

the

Ares

 

Unless

he's

not

taking

a

direct

route

He

might

be

trying

to

avoid

some

obstacle

What

obstacle

It's

Acidalia

Planitia

There's

nothing

out

there

except

the

What

I

need

a

map

Yeah

Hey

come

on

What

are

you

doing

It's

all

right

It's

all

right

Can

I

borrow

this

Okay

so

where

is

the

Hab

location

 

degrees

north

degrees

west

Okay

Mmmhmm

 

Where's

Watney

 

There

Okay

Okay

I

know

where

he's

going

I

need

to

get

on

an

airplane

Vincent

how

are

you

Good

to

see

you

 

 

Yeah

It's

in

storage

just

around

the

corner

Hey

Vincent

nice

to

see

you

again

Nice

to

see

you

What

are

the

chances

Mark

can

get

it

working

again

It's

hard

to

say

We

lost

contact

in

'

We

think

it

was

battery

failure

Though

I'd

like

to

point

out

it

lasted

three

times

longer

than

expected

in

any

Nobody's

criticizing

JPL's

work

Bruce

I

just

need

to

speak

to

everybody

that

was

here

in

'

They're

already

here

Guys

I'd

like

to

introduce

Vincent

Kapoor

Director

of

Mars

Missions

for

NASA

This

is

our

current

team

and

our

original

project

members

 

 

Okay

Let's

see

it

Pathfinder

Pathfinder

Come

on

Come

on

Holy

shit

Okay

"Broadcasting

status

Listening

for

telemetry

signal"""

Uhhuh

Okay

Signal

acquired

 

 

Camera

Incoming

Are

you

receiving

me

Yes

No

Okay

point

the

camera

at

"yes"

minute

roundtrip

communications

time

All

he

can

do

is

ask

yes

or

no

questions

and

all

we

can

do

is

point

the

camera

This

won't

exactly

be

an

Algonquin

Round

Table

of

snappy

repartee

 

 

Tim

Tim

 

 

Pointing

the

camera

Whoo

Yes

Yes

So

here's

the

rub

Somehow

we

have

to

have

complex

astrophysical

engineering

conversations

using

nothing

but

a

stillframe

camera

from

 

Luckily

the

camera

does

spin

So

I

can

make

an

alphabet

It

can't

be

our

alphabet

 

characters

plus

a

question

card

into

gives

us

degrees

of

arc

That's

way

too

narrow

I'd

never

know

what

the

camera

was

pointing

at

Ooh

Hexadecimals

Hexadecimals

to

the

rescue

I

figured

one

of

you

guys

kept

an

ASCII

table

lying

around

And

I

was

right

Ladies

and

gentlemen

I

give

you

supernerd

Beth

Johanssen

Who

also

had

copies

of

Zork

II

and

Leather

Goddesses

of

Phobos

on

her

personal

laptop

Seriously

Johanssen

it's

like

the

Smithsonian

of

loneliness

on

there

 

Not

that

I'm

complaining

 

Yes

Who

am

I

to

talk

about

loneliness

I

know

where

he's

going

with

this

F

O

 

W

Vincent

Vincent

wake

up

Now

that

we

can

have

more

complicated

conversations

the

smart

people

at

NASA

have

sent

me

instructions

on

how

to

hack

the

Rover

so

that

it

can

talk

to

Pathfinder

If

I

hack

a

tiny

bit

of

code

just

instructions

in

the

Rover's

operating

system

NASA

can

link

the

Rover

to

Pathfinder's

broadcasting

frequency

and

we're

in

business

"Mark

this

is

Vincent

Kapoor"

"We've

been

watching

you

since

Sol

 

The

whole

world

is

rooting

for

you"

"Amazing

job

getting

Pathfinder

"We're

working

on

rescue

plans

"Meantime

we're

putting

together

a

supply

mission

to

keep

you

fed

until

Ares

arrives

Okay

Okay

"Glad

to

hear

it

Really

looking

forward

to

not

dying"

How's

the

crew

"What

did

they

say

when

they

found

out

I

was

alive"

Guys

can

we

get

some

space

please

Me

Yeah

you

Give

me

a

sec

Just

tell

him

"We

haven't

told

the

crew

you

are

alive

yet

We

need

them

to

concentrate"

on

their

mission"

What

the

fuck

What

the

fuck

Okay

he

says

"They

don't

know

I'm

alive

What

the

Fword

Fword

in

gerund

form

Fword

again

"is

wrong

with

you"

"Mark

please

watch

your

language

Everything

you

type"

"is

being

broadcast

live

all

over

the

world"

Yeah

Oh

my

God

Yes

sir

He

is

under

a

tremendous

amount

of

stress

I

understand

We're

working

on

it

I'm

sure

he

didn't

mean

what

he

said

Thank

you

Mr

President

Problem

is

Mark's

right

The

longer

we

wait

the

worse

it's

gonna

get

We

need

to

tell

the

crew

You're

bringing

this

up

while

Vincent

is

in

Pasadena

so

he

can't

argue

the

other

side

I

shouldn't

have

to

answer

to

Vincent

Or

anyone

else

It's

time

Teddy

Commander

Lewis

Go

ahead

Data

dump

is

almost

complete

Copy

that

On

my

way

You're

in

a

hurry

Yeah

My

son

turned

three

yesterday

Should

be

pictures

of

the

party

Got

a

batch

of

personals

Dispatching

them

to

your

laptops

now

I

don't

need

to

read

Vogel's

weird

German

fetish

emails

They're

telemetry

updates

Hey

whatever

does

it

for

you

man

There's

a

video

message

It's

addressed

to

the

whole

crew

Play

it

Come

on

guys

I

wanna

get

in

on

that

telemetry

action

Hi

hello

It's

Mitch

Mitch

Henderson

I

have

some

news

There's

no

subtle

way

to

put

this

Mark

Watney

is

still

alive

Oh

my

God

I

know

that's

a

surprise

and

I

know

you

will

have

a

lot

of

questions

But

here

are

the

basics

He's

alive

and

he's

healthy

We

found

out

two

months

ago

and

decided

not

to

tell

you

 

 

Oh

my

God

I

was

strongly

against

that

decision

We're

telling

you

now

because

we

finally

have

communication

with

him

and

a

viable

rescue

plan

We'll

give

you

a

writeup

of

what

happened

a

full

writeup

of

everything

But

it's

not

your

fault

Mark

stresses

that

every

time

it

comes

up

So

Yeah

Take

some

time

to

absorb

this

And

send

all

the

questions

you

want

We'll

answer

them

All

right

Henderson

out

Holy

shit

he's

alive

I

left

him

behind

 

 

We

all

left

together

You

were

following

orders

I

left

him

behind

So

now

that

NASA

can

talk

to

me

they

won't

shut

up

They

want

constant

updates

on

every

Hab

system

and

they

got

a

room

full

of

people

trying

to

micromanage

my

crops

Which

is

awesome

Look

I

don't

mean

to

sound

arrogant

or

anything

but

I

am

the

greatest

botanist

on

this

planet

so

One

big

bonus

to

this

communication

with

NASA

again

is

the

email

I'm

getting

them

again

Big

data

dumps

like

when

I

was

on

the

Hermes

I

even

got

one

from

the

president

The

coolest

one

though

the

coolest

one

I

got

was

from

University

of

Chicago

my

alma

mater

They

say

that

once

you

grow

crops

somewhere

you've

officially

colonized

it

So

technically

I

colonized

Mars

In

your

face

Neil

Armstrong

In

other

news

there's

been

a

request

for

me

to

pose

for

a

photograph

on

my

next

transmission

I'm

trying

to

figure

out

whether

I

should

go

with

"High

School

Senior"

or

"coquettish

ingenue"

But

I'm

not

really

sure

how

that's

gonna

look

with

my

spacesuit

on

Hey

What

is

he

doing

I

asked

for

a

photo

and

what

he's

The

Fonz

Just

be

grateful

we

got

you

something

Annie

I

can't

use

this

Vincent

and

you

know

that

I

need

a

picture

of

his

face

I

could

tell

him

to

take

off

his

helmet

but

then

he'd

you

know

die

so

We'll

release

the

photo

when

we

detail

the

rescue

operation

I

want

to

announce

we're

launching

some

supplies

to

him

next

year

during

the

Hohmann

Transfer

Window

Bruce

your

team's

still

on

schedule

It'll

be

tight

but

we'll

make

it

Ninemonth

travel

time

That

puts

the

probe

to

Mars

on

Sol

 

Did

we

get

the

botany

team's

analysis

Yeah

they

estimate

Mark's

crops

will

last

till

Sol

 

They

grudgingly

admit

that

he's

doing

great

work

Grudgingly

Yeah

Mark

has

a

tendency

to

tell

them

to

have

sex

with

themselves

whenever

they

question

one

of

his

decisions

Get

him

in

line

Vincent

We

can't

afford

any

miscommunication

I

hate

this

margin

 

Sols

worth

of

food

We

get

there

on

 

And

that's

assuming

nothing

goes

wrong

Suit

breach

detected

Oxygen

level

critical

Oxygen

level

%

Oxygen

level

%

Suit

pressure

stable

Pressure

stable

God

God

God

God

God

Crops

are

dead

Complete

loss

of

pressure

boiled

off

most

of

the

water

Any

bacteria

that

survived

died

in

the

subzero

temperatures

when

exposed

to

Mars'

atmosphere

How

long

does

he

have

He

can

still

eat

the

potatoes

he

has

he

just

can't

grow

any

more

so

give

him

sols

Rations

get

him

to

what

Sol

 

Mmmhmm

So

with

potatoes

 

So

by

Sol

he'll

be

long

dead

We're

gonna

have

to

launch

as

soon

as

possible

which

changes

our

travel

time

Yeah

we're

working

on

it

Prelim

estimates

call

for

a

day

trip

It's

Sol

now

We

need

days

to

mount

the

boosters

perform

inspections

which

gives

Bruce

and

his

team

 

days

to

make

this

probe

I'll

let

you

call

Bruce

give

him

the

news

Okay

I'm

gonna

need

a

change

of

clothes

"Dear

Mark

"Apparently

NASA's

letting

us

talk

to

you

now

"And

I

drew

the

short

straw

Sorry

we

left

you

behind

on

Mars"

"But

we

just

don't

like

you

Also

it's

a

lot

roomier

on"

the

Hermes

without

you

"We

have

to

take

turns

doing

your

tasks

"But

I

mean

it's

only

botany

It's

not

real

science"""

Oh

Jesus

"How's

Mars"

"Dear

Martinez

Mars

is

fine

"I

accidentally

blew

up

the

Hab

"but

unfortunately

"all

of

Commander

Lewis'

disco

music

still

survived"

"But

unfortunately

all

of

Commander

Lewis'"

disco

music

still

survived"

"Every

day

I

go

outside

"and

look

at

the

vast

horizons"

"Every

day

I

go

outside

and

look

at

the

vast

horizons"""

"Just

because

I

can"

"Just

because

I

can

Tell

the

others

I

said

hello"""

Will

do

buddy

Pressure

stable

 

 

 

 

 

 

Rich

Rich

Wake

up

Sorry

but

they're

asking

for

the

probe

courses

What

time

is

it

It's

:

Look

I

know

we're

coming

at

this

backwards

but

we

can't

commit

to

a

firm

launch

date

with

this

many

unknowns

It's

all

right

Um

All

models

for

launch

will

take

days

to

reach

Mars

They

vary

slightly

in

thrust

duration

and

the

fuel

requirement

is

nearly

identical

Not

a

good

time

to

launch

is

it

Yeah

Earth

and

Mars

are

really

badly

positioned

Heck

it'd

almost

be

easier

if

you

Almost

easier

to

what

I

need

more

coffee

Ahh

Are

you

all

right

It's

fine

Almost

easier

to

what

You

do

understand

I'm

your

boss

right

Uhhuh

All

right

let's

ask

the

very

very

expensive

question

Is

the

probe

going

to

be

ready

on

time

 

We're

behind

 

 

days

days

and

I

can

get

it

done

All

right

let's

create

days

 

days

to

mount

the

probe

Can

we

reduce

It

actually

only

takes

three

days

to

mount

the

probe

And

we

can

get

that

down

to

two

right

I

can

get

it

down

to

two

 

days

are

for

tests

and

inspections

How

often

do

those

inspections

reveal

a

problem

Are

you

suggesting

we

don't

do

the

inspections

Right

now

I'm

asking

how

often

they

reveal

a

problem

One

in

 

But

that's

grounds

for

countdown

halt

We

can't

take

that

chance

Anyone

else

know

a

safer

way

to

buy

more

time

Dr

Keller

stretch

Watney's

rations

four

more

days

You're

not

gonna

like

it

but

that'll

get

us

to

 

And

we'll

cancel

the

inspections

Teddy

 

Sir

if

that

ever

got

out

 

It's

on

me

You

got

your

two

weeks

Get

it

done

So

now

I

have

to

hold

out

until

the

probe

gets

here

with

more

food

You

want

to

see

what

minimal

calorie

count

looks

like

Standard

issue

ration

But

instead

of

three

of

these

every

one

day

I'm

now

eating

one

of

these

every

three

days

And

now

they've

asked

me

to

do

that

The

point

is

"stretch

the

rations

four

more

days"

is

a

real

dickpunch

I'm

gonna

dip

this

potato

in

some

crushed

Vicodin

And

there's

nobody

who

can

stop

me

It

has

been

seven

days

since

I

ran

out

of

ketchup

Up

Up

up

Yeah

Let's

go

up

here

Labels

facing

up

This

is

the

flight

director

Begin

launch

status

check

Roger

that

Flight

Beginning

launch

status

check

Do

you

believe

in

God

Vincent

Yeah

Yeah

my

father

was

a

Hindu

my

mother's

a

Baptist

so

yeah

I

believe

in

several

We'll

take

all

the

help

we

can

get

Launch

status

check

complete

This

is

Flight

We

are

go

for

launch

Proceeding

with

the

count

 

 

 

 

 

Main

engines

start

 

 

 

 

Liftoff

Good

thrust

Performance

is

nominal

The

tail

is

giving

good

data

She's

rock

solid

at

this

point

Flight

TVCs

look

good

We're

getting

a

little

shimmy

Flight

Say

again

We

are

getting

a

very

large

precession

Are

we

good

Flight

it's

hitting

the

redline

It's

spinning

on

the

long

axis

around

a

degree

precession

Launch

what's

happening

Force

on

Iris

is

G's

We've

lost

readings

on

the

probe

Flight

Oh

Jesus

Christ

We've

lost

it

Flight

SatCon

No

satellite

acquisition

of

signal

LOS

LOS

here

too

US

Destroyer

Stockton

reporting

debris

falling

from

the

sky

Everyone

in

the

LCC

maintain

your

positions

at

your

consoles

GC

lock

the

doors

"Commander

Lewis

"I

may

need

you

to

do

something

for

me

"If

I

die

I

need

you

to

check

in

on

my

parents

"They'll

wanna

hear

all

about

our

time

here

on

Mars

"I

know

that

sucks

"And

it'll

be

hard

talking

to

a

couple

"about

their

dead

son

"It's

a

lot

to

ask

Which

is

why

I'm

asking

you"

"I'm

not

giving

up

"We

just

need

to

prepare

for

every

outcome

"Please

tell

them

Tell

them

I

love

what

I

do"

"and

I'm

really

good

at

it

And

that

I'm

dying"

"for

something

big

and

beautiful"

"and

greater

than

me

Tell

them

I

said

I

can

live

with

that"

"And

tell

them

"thank

you

for

being

my

mom

and

dad"

We

substituted

protein

cubes

for

the

standard

rations

The

thrust

of

the

launch

combined

with

the

simultaneous

lateral

vibration

liquefied

the

cubes

and

created

an

unbalanced

load

Vincent

why

wasn't

this

addressed

in

the

inspections

phase

In

order

to

make

our

launch

window

we

were

forced

to

accelerate

our

schedule

Their

astronaut

is

going

to

die

Of

course

there

are

other

ways

the

Taiyang

Shen

booster

Our

engineers

have

run

the

numbers

and

it

has

enough

fuel

for

a

Mars

injection

orbit

Why

hasn't

NASA

approached

us

They

don't

know

Our

booster

technology

is

classified

So

if

we

do

nothing

The

world

would

never

know

we

could

have

helped

Then

for

the

sake

of

argument

let's

say

we

decide

to

help

them

We'd

be

giving

up

a

booster

and

effectively

cancelling

Taiyang

Shen

We

need

to

keep

this

among

scientists

a

cooperation

between

space

agencies

Yes

Yes

I

understand

Thank

you

Yes

All

right

Thanks

to

my

uncle

Tommy

in

China

we

get

another

chance

at

this

Now

we

finished

the

Iris

probe

in

days

We

are

now

gonna

attempt

to

finish

it

in

 

We

can

jettison

any

kind

of

landing

system

We're

only

sending

rations

We

can

crashland

on

Mars

You

should

hang

up

the

phone

 

I'm

sorry

who

are

you

 

I

work

in

Astrodynamics

and

you

should

hang

up

the

phone

right

now

All

right

all

right

I'm

gonna

call

you

back

I

know

how

to

save

Mark

Watney

Your

probe

plan

won't

work

Too

many

things

can

go

wrong

I've

got

a

better

way

Astrodynamics

Yeah

What

the

hell

is

"Project

Elrond"

I

had

to

make

something

up

But

"Elrond"

Because

it's

a

secret

meeting

How

do

you

know

that

Why

does

"Elrond"

mean

"secret

meeting"

The

Council

of

Elrond

It's

from

Lord

of

the

Rings

Lord

of

the

Rings

It's

the

meeting

where

they

decide

to

destroy

the

One

Ring

If

we're

gonna

call

something

"Project

Elrond"

I

would

like

my

code

name

to

be

"Glorfindel"

Okay

I

hate

every

one

of

you

What

Teddy

doesn't

even

know

about

this

yet

I'm

sorry

who

are

you

This

is

Rich

Purnell

Astrodynamics

Tell

them

what

you

just

told

me

I

can

get

the

Hermes

back

to

Mars

by

Sol

 

How

Could

you

stand

right

there

for

me

please

Thanks

Right

there

Great

And

could

you

stand

right

there

Right

there

Okay

let's

pretend

that

this

stapler

is

the

Hermes

and

you

are

I'm

sorry

what's

your

name

again

Teddy

I'm

the

Director

of

NASA

Cool

Teddy

you're

Earth

And

right

now

the

Hermes

is

headed

towards

you

starting

its

monthlong

deceleration

to

intercept

But

instead

what

I'm

proposing

is

we

start

accelerating

immediately

to

preserve

velocity

and

gain

even

more

We

don't

intercept

with

Earth

at

all

but

we

come

close

enough

to

get

a

gravity

assist

and

adjust

course

While

we're

doing

that

we

resupply

with

the

probe

The

Taiyang

Shen

pick

up

whatever

provisions

we

need

and

now

we're

accelerating

towards

Mars

You're

Mars

Now

we're

going

too

fast

at

this

point

to

fall

into

orbit

but

we

can

do

a

flyby

What

good

is

a

flyby

if

we

can't

get

Watney

off

the

surface

Watney

would

intercept

using

the

MAV

Ow

And

then

we

just

head

home

I've

done

the

math

It

checks

out

 

Rich

 

Yes

sir

Get

out

All

right

 

 

Bruce

what

do

you

think

Well

if

Vincent

says

so

We

need

to

use

the

Taiyang

Shen

Uhhuh

What

am

I

missing

Why

is

that

important

Because

we

can

only

do

one

Send

Watney

enough

food

to

last

till

Ares

 

or

send

Hermes

back

to

get

him

right

now

Both

plans

require

the

Taiyang

Shen

so

we

have

to

choose

But

what

about

the

Hermes

crew

We'd

be

asking

them

to

add

 

extra

days

to

their

mission

Yeah

They

wouldn't

hesitate

not

for

a

second

Can

the

Hermes

function

for

days

beyond

the

scheduled

mission

end

It

should

Built

to

last

the

full

Ares

mission

so

technically

it's

only

halfway

through

its

lifespan

But

if

something

goes

wrong

Then

we

lose

the

crew

So

what

We

either

have

a

high

chance

of

killing

one

person

or

a

low

chance

of

killing

six

people

How

do

we

make

that

decision

We

don't

have

to

make

it

Bruce

He

does

Yeah

well

bullshit

It

should

be

Commander

Lewis'

call

We

still

have

a

chance

to

bring

five

astronauts

home

safe

and

sound

I'm

not

risking

their

lives

Let

them

make

that

decision

Mitch

we're

going

with

option

one

You

goddamn

coward

 

Johanssen

 

Yeah

I

know

it's

your

private

time

Can

I

bother

you

for

a

second

Yeah

go

ahead

Where

are

you

The

gym

What's

up

I

just

got

an

email

from

my

wife

and

the

subject

line

says

"Our

children"

My

computer

won't

open

the

attachment

Okay

Let's

take

a

look

Uh

Let's

see

This

isn't

a

JPEG

It's

a

plain

ASCII

text

file

I

don't

really

know

what

we're

looking

at

Does

that

make

any

sense

to

you

Rich

Purnell

Maneuver

It's

a

course

maneuver

for

the

Hermes

And

the

mission

concludes

with

Earth

intercept

 

days

later

Would

it

work

Mmmhmm

We

ran

the

numbers

They

check

out

It's

a

brilliant

course

So

why

all

the

cloak

and

dagger

Because

it

goes

directly

against

NASA's

decision

Yeah

If

we

do

the

maneuver

they'd

have

to

send

the

supply

ship

or

we

die

We

have

the

opportunity

to

force

their

hand

So

are

we

gonna

do

it

If

it

was

up

to

me

we'd

already

be

on

our

way

But

it

is

though

isn't

it

Up

to

you

Not

this

time

This

is

something

NASA

expressly

rejected

We're

talking

about

mutiny

here

which

is

not

a

word

that

I

take

lightly

So

we

do

this

together

or

not

at

all

And

before

you

answer

consider

the

consequences

If

we

mess

up

the

supply

rendezvous

we

die

If

we

mess

up

the

Earth

gravity

assist

we

die

If

we

do

everything

perfectly

we

add

days

to

our

mission

 

more

days

before

we

see

our

families

again

 

days

of

unplanned

space

travel

where

anything

could

go

wrong

If

it's

mission

critical

we

die

Sign

me

up

All

right

cowboy

slow

down

You

and

I

we're

military

Chances

are

we

go

home

they'll

court

martial

us

Yeah

there's

that

And

for

the

rest

of

you

guys

I

guarantee

they

will

never

send

you

back

up

here

again

Good

So

if

we

go

for

it

how

would

it

work

I

plot

the

course

and

execute

it

Remote

override

They

could

take

over

the

Hermes

from

Mission

Control

Can

you

disable

it

Hermes

has

four

redundant

flight

computers

each

connected

to

three

redundant

comm

systems

We

can't

shut

down

the

comms

because

we'd

lose

telemetry

and

guidance

And

we

can't

shut

down

the

computers

because

we

need

to

run

the

ship

I'd

have

to

disable

remote

override

on

each

system

It's

part

of

the

OS

I'd

have

to

jump

over

the

code

Okay

but

like

in

English

what

would

that

mean

I

can

do

it

Great

Well

it

has

to

be

unanimous

If

we

do

this

it'll

be

over

days

of

space

That's

more

than

enough

space

for

one

life

so

yes

I

vote

yes

Let's

go

get

him

Johanssen

Yes

Yeah

Got

an

unscheduled

status

update

from

Hermes

Roger

Read

it

out

Message

reads

"Houston

please

be

advised

"Rich

Purnell

is

a

steelyeyed

missile

man"

What

Flight

Guidance

Hermes

is

offcourse

CAPCOM

advise

Hermes

they're

drifting

Guidance

get

a

correction

ready

Negative

Flight

it's

not

drift

They've

adjusted

course

What

the

hell

Telemetry

any

chance

this

is

instrumentation

failure

Negative

Flight

Guidance

work

at

how

long

they

can

stay

on

this

course

before

it's

irreversible

Working

on

that

now

Flight

Hey

Who's

Rich

Purnell

I

dunno

Will

somebody

find

out

who

the

hell

Rich

Purnell

is

Annie

will

go

before

the

media

this

morning

and

inform

them

of

NASA's

decision

to

reroute

the

Hermes

to

Mars

Sounds

like

a

smart

move

Considering

the

circumstances

Whoever

gave

them

the

maneuver

only

passed

along

information

Crew

made

the

decision

on

their

own

You

may

have

killed

them

Mitch

We're

fighting

the

same

war

Every

time

something

goes

wrong

the

world

forgets

why

we

fly

I'm

trying

to

keep

us

airborne

It's

bigger

than

one

person

No

It's

not

When

this

is

over

I'll

expect

your

resignation

I

understand

Bring

our

astronauts

home

Every

Ares

mission

requires

three

years

of

presupplies

So

NASA

decided

a

long

time

ago

it's

a

lot

easier

to

send

some

of

the

stuff

beforehand

rather

than

bring

it

with

us

So

as

a

result

the

MAV

for

Ares

 

is

already

there

at

the

Schiaparelli

Crater

just

waiting

So

the

plan

is

for

me

to

use

that

to

go

into

orbit

just

as

the

Hermes

is

passing

and

I

guess

they

catch

me

In

space

So

I've

got

sols

to

figure

out

how

to

take

everything

here

that's

keeping

me

alive

the

oxygenator

the

water

reclaimer

the

atmospheric

regulator

bring

that

all

with

me

And

luckily

I

have

the

greatest

minds

on

Planet

Earth

really

all

of

the

brainpower

on

the

entire

planet

helping

me

with

this

endeavor

And

so

far

they've

come

up

with

"Hey

why

don't

you

drill

holes

"on

the

roof

of

your

Rover

"and

hit

it

as

hard

as

you

can

with

a

rock"

We're

gonna

get

there

 

Didn't

know

what

time

it

was

 

And

the

lights

were

low

 

I

leaned

back

on

my

radio

 

Some

cat

was

layin'

down

some

rock

'n'

roll

 

Lotta

soul

he

said

 

Then

the

loud

sound

did

seem

to

fade

 

Came

back

like

a

slow

voice

on

a

wave

of

phase

 

That

weren't

no

DJ

That

was

hazy

cosmic

jive

 

There's

a

starman

waiting

in

the

sky

 

 

days

longer

And

you

said

yes

to

this

He

would

have

done

the

same

for

me

You

know

that

Cheese

You

do

"cheese"

Cheese

He

didn't

do

"cheese"

Did

he

do

"cheese"

Hey

baby

Hey

I

got

something

for

you

Found

it

in

the

flea

market

Original

pressing

No

Not

a

scratch

I

love

it

All

due

respect

to

your

CNSA

protocol

but

we

haven't

done

things

that

way

since

Apollo

 

Did

he

get

that

 

Look

out

your

window

I

can

see

his

light

 

If

we

can

sparkle

He

may

land

tonight

 

Mmmhmm

Yeah

Mmmhmm

Mmmhmm

Oh

 

There's

a

starman

waiting

in

the

sky

 

He'd

like

to

come

and

meet

us

 

But

he

thinks

he'd

blow

our

minds

 

There's

a

starman

waiting

in

the

sky

 

He's

told

us

not

to

blow

it

 

'Cause

he

knows

it's

all

worthwhile

 

He

told

me

Let

the

children

lose

it

 

Let

the

children

use

it

Let

all

the

children

boogie

 

There's

a

starman

waiting

in

the

sky

 

He'd

like

to

come

and

meet

us

 

But

he

thinks

he'd

blow

our

minds

 

There's

a

starman

waiting

in

the

sky

 

He's

told

us

not

to

blow

it

 

'Cause

he

knows

it's

all

worthwhile

 

He

told

me

Let

the

children

lose

it

 

Let

the

children

use

it

 

Let

all

the

children

boogie

 

La

la

la

la

la

la

la

la

 

La

la

la

la

la

la

la

la

 

La

la

la

la

la

la

la

la

 

La

la

la

la

la

la

la

la

 

La

la

la

la

la

la

la

la

 

La

la

la

la

la

la

la

la

 

La

la

la

la

la

la

la

la

 

La

la

la

la

la

la

la

la

 

La

la

la

la

la

la

la

la

 

I've

been

thinking

about

laws

on

Mars

There's

an

international

treaty

saying

no

country

can

lay

claim

to

anything

that's

not

on

Earth

And

by

another

treaty

if

you're

not

in

any

country's

territory

maritime

law

applies

So

Mars

is

international

waters

Now

NASA

is

an

American

nonmilitary

organization

It

owns

the

Hab

But

the

second

I

walk

outside

I'm

in

international

waters

So

here's

the

cool

part

I'm

about

to

leave

for

the

Schiaparelli

Crater

where

I'm

gonna

commandeer

the

Ares

lander

Nobody

explicitly

gave

me

permission

to

do

this

and

they

can't

until

I'm

on

board

the

Ares

 

So

that

means

I'm

gonna

be

taking

a

craft

over

in

international

waters

without

permission

Which

by

definition

makes

me

a

pirate

Mark

Watney

Space

Pirate

A

Space

Pirate

Everywhere

I

go

I'm

the

first

It's

a

strange

feeling

Step

outside

the

Rover

first

guy

to

be

there

Climb

that

hill

first

guy

to

do

that

Four

and

a

half

billion

years

nobody

here

And

now

me

I'm

the

first

person

to

be

alone

on

an

entire

planet

How's

he

doing

So

far

so

good

He's

sticking

to

schedule

Drives

for

four

hours

before

noon

lays

the

solar

panels

waits

hours

for

them

to

recharge

and

sleeps

somewhere

in

there

and

then

starts

again

How's

he

doing

He

asked

us

to

call

him

Captain

Blondebeard

Well

technically

Mars

would

be

under

maritime

Yeah

I

know

He

explained

it

to

us

Where

is

he

 

 

Here

Okay

Okay

I'm

gonna

start

by

stating

for

the

record

that

you're

not

gonna

like

this

Oh

yeah

Yeah

the

problem

is

the

intercept

velocity

The

Hermes

well

It

can't

enter

Mars'

orbit

Otherwise

they'll

never

have

enough

fuel

to

make

it

home

The

MAV

that

was

only

designed

to

get

to

low

Mars

orbit

So

in

order

for

Mark

to

escape

Mars'

gravity

entirely

and

to

intercept

the

Hermes

 

 

Which

means

we

need

to

make

the

MAV

lighter

A

lot

lighter

kilograms

lighter

You

can

do

that

right

There's

some

gimmes

right

off

the

bat

The

design

presumes

kilograms

of

Martian

soil

and

samples

Obviously

we

won't

do

that

And

there's

just

one

passenger

instead

of

six

With

suits

and

gear

that's

another

 

Ditch

the

life

support

don't

need

it

And

we'll

get

Mark

to

wear

his

EVA

suit

the

whole

trip

Wait

a

second

If

he's

in

his

EVA

suit

how

is

he

gonna

operate

the

controls

Well

he

won't

Martinez

will

pilot

the

MAV

remotely

from

the

Hermes

We've

never

had

a

manned

ship

controlled

remotely

before

But

I

am

excited

about

the

opportunities

that

affords

If

we

go

remote

we

can

lose

the

control

panels

the

secondary

and

tertiary

comm

systems

Wait

a

second

You

want

a

remotecontrolled

ascent

with

no

backup

comms

He's

not

even

got

to

the

bad

stuff

yet

Vincent

Let's

skip

to

the

bad

stuff

We

need

to

remove

the

nose

airlock

the

windows

and

Hull

Panel

 

You

want

to

take

the

front

of

the

ship

off

Sure

The

nose

airlock

alone

is

kilograms

You

want

to

send

a

man

into

space

without

the

front

of

his

ship

Well

no

We're

gonna

have

him

cover

it

with

Hab

canvas

Look

the

hull's

mostly

there

to

keep

the

air

in

Mars'

atmosphere

is

so

thin

you

don't

need

a

lot

of

streamlining

By

the

time

the

ship's

going

fast

enough

for

air

resistance

to

matter

it'll

be

high

enough

that

there's

practically

no

air

You

wanna

send

him

into

space

under

a

tarp

Yes

Can

I

go

on

No

You

think

he

means

it

like

Are

you

kidding

me

 

 

Or

like

"Are

you

kidding

me"

I

think

it

might

be

the

second

one

 

 

Could

be

the

first

way

Are

you

kidding

me

Yeah

it

could

be

the

first

way

I

know

what

they're

doing

I

know

exactly

what

they're

doing

They

just

keep

repeating

"Go

faster

than

any

man

in

the

history

of

space

travel"

Like

that's

a

good

thing

Like

it'll

distract

me

from

how

insane

their

plan

is

Yeah

I

get

to

go

faster

than

any

man

in

the

history

of

space

travel

because

you

are

launching

me

in

a

convertible

Actually

it's

worse

than

that

because

I

won't

even

be

able

to

control

the

thing

And

by

the

way

physicists

when

describing

things

like

acceleration

do

not

use

the

word

"fast"

So

they're

only

doing

that

in

the

hopes

that

I

won't

raise

any

objections

to

this

lunacy

Because

I

like

the

way

"fastest

man

in

the

history

of

space

travel"

sounds

I

do

like

the

way

it

sounds

I

mean

I

like

it

a

lot

I'm

not

gonna

tell

them

that

Okay

Let's

do

this

 

My

my

 

At

Waterloo

Napoleon

did

surrender

 

Oh

yeah

 

And

I

have

met

my

destiny

in

quite

a

similar

way

 

The

history

book

on

the

shelf

is

always

repeating

itself

 

Waterloo

 

I

was

defeated

You

won

the

war

Come

on

 

Waterloo

promise

to

love

you

forevermore

 

Waterloo

Couldn't

escape

if

I

wanted

to

 

Waterloo

 

Knowing

my

fate

is

to

be

with

you

 

Oh

oh

oh

oh

Waterloo

 

Finally

facing

my

Waterloo

 

My

my

 

I

tried

to

hold

you

back

 

But

you

were

stronger

 

Oh

yeah

 

And

now

it

seems

my

only

chance

is

giving

up

the

fight

 

And

how

could

I

ever

refuse

 

I

feel

like

I

win

when

I

lose

 

Waterloo

 

I

was

defeated

You

won

the

war

 

Waterloo

 

Promise

to

love

you

forevermore

 

Waterloo

 

Couldn't

escape

if

I

wanted

to

 

Waterloo

 

Knowing

my

fate

is

to

be

with

you

 

Oh

oh

oh

oh

Waterloo

 

Finally

facing

my

Waterloo

 

Ooh

Waterloo

 

Knowing

my

fate

is

to

be

with

you

 

Oh

oh

oh

oh

Waterloo

 

Beck

Vogel

I

want

you

guys

in

Airlock

 

with

the

outer

door

open

 

before

the

MAV

even

launches

 

Okay

Martinez

flies

the

MAV

Johanssen

sysops

the

ascent

Once

we

hit

intercept

it's

Beck's

job

to

go

get

Watney

We're

ready

What's

the

intercept

plan

We

finished

attaching

the

tethers

into

one

long

line

It's

meters

long

And

I'll

have

the

MMU

so

moving

around

should

be

easy

How

fast

a

relative

velocity

can

you

handle

I

can

grab

the

MAV

at

meters

per

second

 

is

like

jumping

onto

a

moving

train

So

any

more

than

that

and

I

might

miss

Well

we

may

have

some

leeway

The

launch

takes

minutes

And

it'll

be

minutes

before

intercept

Once

Mark's

engine

shuts

off

we'll

know

our

intercept

point

and

velocity

Vogel

you're

Beck's

backup

Everything

goes

well

you

pull

them

on

board

with

the

tether

If

anything

goes

wrong

you

go

out

after

him

Yep

Okay

Let's

go

get

our

boy

There's

a

mood

of

tension

and

anxiety

here

outside

Johnson

Space

Center

As

you

can

see

many

people

have

gathered

here

to

see

whether

or

not

the

mission

to

retrieve

Mark

Watney

will

be

a

success

They've

had

some

contact

with

him

but

it

hasn't

been

very

much

We

have

to

remind

our

viewers

that

we're

watching

this

as

it

unfolds

So

we'll

try

and

keep

you

uptodate

as

to

what

exactly

is

going

on

Let's

listen

in

to

NASA

making

contact

with

Mark

Watney

Let's

listen

in

If

something

goes

wrong

what

can

Mission

Control

do

Not

a

damn

thing

It's

all

happening

lightminutes

away

which

means

it

takes

minutes

for

them

to

get

the

answer

to

any

question

they

ask

The

whole

launch

is

minutes

so

they're

on

their

own

just

how

long

Mark

has

been

completely

alone

on

Mars

We're

talking

to

a

psychology

expert

later

to

discuss

Fuel

pressure

green

Engine

alignment

perfect

Communications

five

by

five

We

are

ready

for

preflight

checklist

Commander

Mission

Control

this

is

Hermes

actual

We

will

proceed

on

schedule

We

are

Tminus

minutes

seconds

to

launch

by

the

mark

About

two

minutes

Watney

How

you

doing

down

there

I'm

good

I'm

anxious

to

get

up

to

you

Thanks

for

coming

back

for

me

Well

we're

on

it

Remember

you'll

be

pulling

some

serious

G's

so

it's

okay

to

pass

out

You're

in

Martinez's

hands

now

Well

tell

that

asshole

no

barrel

rolls

Copy

that

MAV

CAPCOM

Go

Remote

command

Go

Recovery

Go

Secondary

recovery

Go

Pilot

Go

Pilot

Go

Copy

We're

go

Mission

Control

we

are

go

for

launch

Tminus

ten

nine

Main

engine

start

Eight

seven

Mooring

clamps

released

About

five

seconds

Watney

Hang

on

I'll

see

you

in

a

few

Commander

Four

three

two

one

Velocity

meters

per

second

Altitude

meters

That's

too

low

It's

fighting

me

Watney

do

you

read

Booster

separation

complete

Velocity

Altitude

 

He's

well

below

target

altitude

How

far

below

Checking

Watney

Do

you

read

He's

probably

passed

out

He

pulled

g's

on

the

ascent

Give

him

a

few

minutes

Copy

that

Main

shutdown

in

three

two

one

shutdown

Back

to

automatic

guidance

Shutdown

confirmed

Fuel

reserves

depleted

Watney

Do

you

read

It

seems

there's

some

sort

of

problem

with

the

transmission

I

have

interval

pings

Intercept

velocity

will

be

meters

per

second

I

can

make

that

work

Distance

at

intercept

will

be

We'll

be

kilometers

apart

 

kilometers

Did

she

just

say

kilometers

Come

on

guys

keep

it

together

Work

the

problem

Johanssen

time

to

intercept

 

minutes

seconds

Martinez

what

if

we

point

our

thrusters

in

the

same

direction

Well

it

depends

how

much

fuel

you

wanna

save

for

the

altitude

adjustments

for

the

trip

home

How

much

do

you

need

I

can

get

by

with

about

%

of

what

we

have

left

If

we

use

%

of

remaining

altitudeadjust

fuel

that

will

bring

the

intercept

range

to

zero

Do

it

Hang

on

It

brings

the

range

to

zero

but

the

intercept

velocity

will

be

meters

per

second

And

that's

way

too

fast

Then

we'll

have

minutes

to

figure

out

how

to

slow

down

Martinez

burn

the

jets

Copy

that

MAV

to

Hermes

Watney

Affirmative

What's

your

status

My

chest

hurts

I

broke

my

ribs

How

are

you

We're

working

on

getting

to

you

There

was

a

complication

during

launch

Copy

that

How

bad

is

it

We've

corrected

the

intercept

range

but

we've

got

a

problem

with

intercept

velocity

How

big

a

problem

 

meters

a

second

Well

shit

Commander

I

have

an

idea

Go

ahead

Mark

Well

if

I

can

find

something

sharp

in

here

and

poke

a

hole

in

the

glove

of

my

EVA

suit

I

could

use

the

escaping

air

as

a

thruster

and

fly

towards

you

It

would

be

easy

to

control

because

it

would

be

on

my

arm

I

can't

see

you

having

any

control

if

you

did

that

You'd

be

eyeballing

the

intercept

using

a

thrust

vector

you

can

barely

control

Yes

those

are

all

very

good

points

But

consider

this

I'd

get

to

fly

around

like

Iron

Man

Commander

let's

go

Iron

Man

This

is

unexpected

LOS

Communication

lost

Stand

by

Maybe

it's

not

the

worst

idea

No

it

is

the

worst

idea

It's

the

worst

idea

ever

Not

what

he

said

Using

atmosphere

as

thrust

What

happens

if

we

blow

the

VAL

Wait

you

want

to

open

the

vehicular

airlock

It'll

give

us

a

good

kick

But

also

blow

the

nose

off

the

ship

And

all

the

air

would

leave

and

we

need

air

to

not

die

We

would

seal

the

bridge

and

the

reactor

room

Everywhere

else

would

go

vacuo

Vogel

Go

ahead

Commander

I

need

you

to

come

inside

and

make

a

bomb

Again

Commander

You're

a

chemist

Can

you

make

a

bomb

with

what

you

have

on

board

Probably

But

I

feel

obliged

to

mention

that

setting

off

an

explosive

device

in

a

spacecraft

is

a

terrible

terrible

idea

Hang

on

You

guys

making

a

bomb

without

me

Copy

that

Can

you

do

it

Ja

Houston

be

advised

We

are

going

to

deliberately

breach

the

VAL

to

produce

a

reverse

thrust

Beck

leave

your

suit

on

Meet

Johanssen

in

Airlock

 

We'll

open

the

outer

door

I

need

you

to

place

the

charge

on

the

inner

door

Climb

back

to

Airlock

along

the

hull

Copy

I'm

on

my

way

I'm

in

Commander

Copy

that

Vogel

where

are

you

I'm

in

the

kitchen

Okay

Commander

I

can't

let

you

go

through

with

this

I

am

prepared

to

cut

the

suit

Absolutely

not

See

the

thing

is

I'm

selfish

I

want

all

the

memorials

back

home

to

be

about

me

Just

me

I

should

have

left

this

guy

on

Mars

Hey

Sugar

Yeah

Can

you

hold

this

Liquid

oxygen

and

some

stain

remover

that

contains

ammonia

This

thing

here

is

five

times

stronger

than

a

stick

of

dynamite

How

do

we

activate

it

Can

you

connect

this

to

one

of

our

lighting

panels

Careful

Open

Airlock

 

I'm

on

the

way

to

Beck

Let's

just

hope

this

is

a

good

idea

guys

It

is

Open

A

 

 

 

 

Make

sure

you're

not

in

here

when

this

thing

goes

off

Hey

Be

careful

out

there

In

space

Don't

tell

anyone

I

did

that

Bomb

set

Leaving

Airlock

 

Guys

I'm

running

the

numbers

and

even

with

optimal

VAL

blow

we're

gonna

be

off

on

our

angle

What's

the

intercept

distance

Johanssen

 

meters

approximate

That's

too

far

Commander

Martinez

close

the

door

Open

D

And

leave

it

open

Open

B

Johanssen

time

to

VAL

blow

after

initiate

 

seconds

We

sure

know

how

to

cut

it

close

Commander

Distance

is

too

far

I'm

going

out

I

can

do

this

It's

not

a

debate

I'm

not

risking

another

crew

member

Beck's

returned

Johanssen

initiate

the

bomb

Ten

seconds

Strap

in

Five

four

three

 

two

one

Activating

Panel

 

Bridge

seal

holding

What's

the

damage

Worry

about

that

later

What's

the

relative

velocity

 

meters

per

second

Copy

Hook

me

up

Done

I

have

visual

on

the

MAV

What's

the

intercept

range

I'm

checking

 

meters

Did

you

say

 

Great

I'll

wave

at

you

guys

as

I

go

by

Oh

I

can't

get

to

you

Mark

You're

too

far

I'm

not

gonna

make

it

I

know

Beck

unhook

me

I'm

going

after

him

Commander

I

got

this

Mark

report

On

my

way

Commander

Damn

it

Johanssen

what's

my

relative

velocity

to

Mark

 

meters

per

second

Copy

Adjusting

course

 

meters

per

second

Distance

to

target

meters

 

meters

to

target

Six

meters

Hold

on

Mark

I

got

him

I

got

him

I

got

him

Way

to

go

Iron

Man

Beck

pull

us

in

It's

good

to

see

you

You

have

terrible

taste

in

music

Houston

this

is

Hermes

actual

We

got

him

Watney

is

secure

Contact

in

outer

space

with

Mark

Watney

After

a

very

long

time

they

have

done

what

many

people

thought

was

impossible

Mission

confirmation:

Mark

Watney

has

been

successfully

rescued

Grab

a

hold

of

him

Hey

handsome

Beck

close

the

hatch

Hey

guys

Houston

six

crew

safely

aboard

This

is

huge

moment

for

this

nation

for

the

world

and

indeed

for

international

space

travel

I

can't

believe

anything

you

do

works

Hey

Oh

God

I

can't

believe

it

There's

a

little

smell

going

on

over

there

bud

I

know

I

haven't

had

a

shower

in

a

year

and

a

half

Don't

make

me

laugh

I

have

broken

ribs

Hey

there

 

Morning

sir

 

It's

an

honor

sir

Sir

 

 

Morning

sir

Welcome

to

the

Astronaut

Candidate

Program

Now

pay

attention

because

this

could

save

your

life

Trust

me

I

know

what

I'm

talking

about

Let

me

get

a

few

things

out

of

the

way

right

off

the

bat

Yes

I

did

in

fact

survive

on

a

deserted

planet

by

farming

in

my

own

shit

Yes

it's

actually

worse

than

it

sounds

So

let's

not

talk

about

that

ever

again

The

other

question

I

get

most

frequently

is

"When

I

was

up

there

stranded

by

myself

did

I

think

I

was

going

to

die"""

Yes

absolutely

And

that's

what

you

need

to

know

going

in

because

it's

going

to

happen

to

you

This

is

space

It

does

not

cooperate

At

some

point

everything

is

going

to

go

south

on

you

Everything

is

going

to

go

south

and

you're

going

to

say

"This

is

it

This

is

how

I

end

Now

you

can

either

accept

that

or

you

can

get

to

work

That's

all

it

is

You

just

begin

You

do

the

math

You

solve

one

problem

then

you

solve

the

next

one

And

then

the

next

And

if

you

solve

enough

problems

you

get

to

come

home

All

right

questions

Once

Mission

Control

completes

their

preflight

checks

we'll

begin

launch

procedures

The

Ares

team

will

rendezvous

with

the

Hermes

approximately

minutes

after

launch

From

there

they

will

have

days

of

space

travel

ahead

of

them

Have

the

goals

changed

from

the

previous

mission

to

the

Ares

program

And

what

do

you

hope

to

achieve

this

time

around

Well

no

The

goals

have

always

been

the

same

for

the

Ares

program

This

time

of

course

we

hope

to

bring

all

the

astronauts

back

at

the

same

time

Flight

Guidance

check

complete

Copy

Guidance

This

is

Flight

We

are

go

for

launch

on

schedule

Final

aerosurface

checks

are

complete

as

everything

remains

a

go

for

the

launch

of

the

Ares

 

 

seconds

Proceeding

with

the

count

Tminus

 

Main

engine

start

 

 

three

two

one

And

liftoff

As

the

crew

of

the

Ares

 

begin

the

next

chapter

of

American

space

exploration

Pressures

look

good

Wow

Good

shot

There

you

have

it

Five

years

after

the

rescue

of

astronaut

Mark

Watney

an

Ares

is

on

its

way

to

Mars

 

First

I

was

afraid

 

I

was

petrified

 

Kept

thinking

I

could

never

live

without

you

by

my

side

 

But

then

I

spent

so

many

nights

 

Thinking

how

you

did

me

wrong

 

And

I

grew

strong

and

I

learned

how

to

get

along

 

And

so

you're

back

from

outer

space

 

I

just

walked

in

to

find

you

here

 

With

that

sad

look

upon

your

face

 

I

should

have

changed

that

stupid

lock

 

I

should

have

made

you

leave

your

key

 

If

I

had

known

for

just

one

second

 

You'd

be

back

to

bother

me

 

Boy

now

go

walk

out

the

door

 

Just

turn

around

now

'cause

you're

not

welcome

anymore

 

Weren't

you

the

one

who

tried

to

hurt

me

with

goodbye

 

Did

you

think

I'd

crumble

 

Did

you

think

I'd

lay

down

and

die

 

Oh

no

not

I

I

will

survive

 

For

as

long

as

I

know

how

to

love

 

I

know

I'll

stay

alive

 

I've

got

all

my

life

to

live

 

And

I've

got

all

my

love

to

give

 

And

I'll

survive

 

I

will

survive

 

Hey

hey

 

Boy

now

go

walk

out

the

door

 

Just

turn

around

now

'cause

you're

not

welcome

anymore

 

Weren't

you

the

one

who

tried

to

break

me

with

goodbye

 

Did

you

think

I'd

crumble

 

Did

you

think

I'd

lay

down

and

die

 

Oh

no

not

I

I

will

survive

 

For

as

long

as

I

know

how

to

love

 

I

know

I'll

stay

alive

 

I've

got

all

my

life

to

live

 

And

I've

got

all

my

love

to

give

 

And

I'll

survive

 

I

will

survive

 

 

 

Interstellar

MURPH:

Well

my

dad

was

a

farmer

Um

like

everybody

else

back

then

Of

course

he

didn't

start

that

way

(DISTANT

RUMBLING)

(ALARM

BEEPING)

MAN

(OVER

RADIO):

Computer

says

you're

too

tight

 

Nah

I

got

this

 

 

Shutting

it

down

Cooper

 

No

 

Shutting

it

all

down

 

No

I

need

power

up

(COOPER

YELLS)

MURPH:

Dad

(PANTING)

Sorry

Murph

Go

back

to

bed

 

 

COOPER:

There

are

no

such

things

as

ghosts

babe

Grandpa

says

you

can

get

ghosts

Maybe

that's

because

Grandpa's

close

to

being

one

himself

Back

to

bed

Were

you

dreaming

about

the

crash

Get

your

butt

back

in

bed

Murph

Heh

MURPH:

The

wheat

had

died

The

blight

came

and

we

had

to

burn

it

And

we

still

had

corn

We

had

acres

of

corn

But

uh

mostly

we

had

dust

WOMAN:

I

guess

I

can't

describe

it

It

was

just

constant

Just

that

steady

blow

of

dirt

WOMAN

#:

We

wore

um

little

strips

of

sheet

sometimes

over

our

nose

and

mouth

so

that

we

wouldn't

breathe

so

much

of

it

MAN:

When

we

set

the

table

we

always

set

the

plate

upsidedown

Glasses

or

cups

whatever

it

was

upsidedown

Shake

a

leg

Murph

get

a

move

on

Tom

:

today

you

and

me

in

the

barn

Herbicide

Resistance

 

 

Yes

sir

Not

at

the

table

Murph

Dad

can

you

fix

this

COOPER:

What

the

heck

did

you

do

to

my

lander

 

Wasn't

me

Let

me

guess

It

was

your

ghost

It

knocked

it

off

It

keeps

knocking

books

off

TOM:

No

such

thing

as

ghosts

dumbass

 

I

looked

it

up

It's

called

a

poltergeist

Dad

tell

her

COOPER:

Well

it's

not

very

scientific

Murph

You

said

science

was

about

admitting

what

we

don't

know

 

She's

got

you

there

 

Start

looking

after

our

stuff

Coop

All

right

Murph

you

want

to

talk

science

Don't

tell

me

you're

afraid

of

some

ghost

No

you

got

to

go

further

You

got

to

record

the

facts

analyze

get

to

the

how

and

the

why

then

present

your

conclusions

Deal

 

 

 

MAN:

Hold

up

Parentteacher

conferences

Parent

Not

grandparent

(HORN

HONKING)

Slow

down

turbo

 

That's

not

a

dust

storm

 

Nelson's

torching

his

whole

crop

Blight

MAN:

They're

saying

it's

the

last

harvest

for

okra

Even

He

should've

planted

corn

like

the

rest

of

us

Now

be

nice

to

that

Miss

Hanley

She's

single

What's

that

supposed

to

mean

Repopulating

the

earth

Start

pulling

your

weight

young

man

Why

don't

you

start

minding

your

own

business

old

man

All

right

Murph

give

me

second

Uhhuh

Third

(GEARS

GRINDING)

 

Find

a

gear

dumbass

 

Grind

it

Shut

it

Tom

 

What'd

you

do

Murph

 

Ah

she

didn't

do

nothing

 

 

Murphy's

Law

Shut

up

 

Grab

the

spare

Tom

 

COOPER:

Get

the

patch

kit

TOM:

How

am

I

supposed

to

patch

it

out

here

COOPER:

You

got

to

figure

it

out

I'm

not

always

gonna

be

here

to

help

you

What's

going

on

Murph

Why

did

you

and

Mom

name

me

after

something

that's

bad

We

didn't

Murphy's

Law

Murphy's

Law

doesn't

mean

that

something

bad

will

happen

What

it

means

is

whatever

can

happen

will

happen

And

that

sounded

just

fine

with

us

(WHIRRING)

Whoa

Get

in

Get

in

let's

go

What

about

the

flat

tire

Yeah

COOPER:

It's

an

Indian

Air

Force

drone

Solar

cells

could

power

an

entire

farm

Take

the

wheel

Tom

Go

go

go

Keep

that

aimed

right

at

it

Faster

Tom

I'm

losing

it

Right

at

it

Stay

on

it

Here

we

go

Whoa

Nice

one

Tom

Dad

I

almost

got

it

Don't

stop

Don't

stop

Dad

Tom

(TIRES

SCREECH)

TOM:

You

told

me

to

keep

driving

COOPER:

Well

I

guess

that

answers

the

old

If

I

asked

you

to

drive

off

a

cliff

scenario

 

 

No

we

didn't

Want

to

give

it

a

whirl

This

way

Go

Let's

lay

her

down

right

there

at

the

edge

of

the

reservoir

Nicely

done

TOM:

How

long

you

think

it's

been

up

there

COOPER:

Delhi

Mission

Control

went

down

same

as

ours

ten

years

ago

 

So

for

ten

years

 

 

I

don't

know

Maybe

the

sun

cooked

its

brain

or

it

was

looking

for

something

 

 

Maybe

some

kind

of

signal

I

don't

know

What

are

you

gonna

do

with

it

I'm

gonna

give

it

something

socially

responsible

to

do

like

drive

a

combine

Can't

we

just

let

it

go

It

wasn't

hurting

anybody

This

thing

needs

to

learn

how

to

adapt

Murph

like

the

rest

of

us

COOPER:

How's

this

work

You

guys

come

with

TOM:

I've

got

class

This

one

needs

to

wait

 

 

They'll

tell

you

about

it

in

there

 

 

 

 

I

got

this

Little

late

Coop

Yeah

we

had

a

flat

And

I

guess

you

had

to

stop

off

at

the

Asian

fighter

plane

store

No

actually

sir

that's

a

surveillance

drone

With

outstanding

solar

cells

It's

Indian

Take

a

seat

So

uh

we

got

Tom's

scores

back

He's

going

to

make

an

excellent

farmer

Yeah

he's

got

a

knack

for

it

What

about

college

The

university

only

takes

a

handful

They

don't

have

the

resources

to

I

still

pay

my

taxes

Where's

that

money

go

There's

no

more

armies

Well

it

doesn't

go

to

the

university

Look

Coop

you

have

to

be

realistic

You're

ruling

my

son

out

for

college

now

 

The

kid's

 

 

Tom's

score

simply

isn't

high

enough

What's

your

waistline

About

what

 

 

About

a

inseam

 

I'm

not

sure

I

see

what

you're

getting

at

It

takes

two

numbers

to

measure

your

ass

but

only

one

to

measure

my

son's

future

Come

on

You're

a

welleducated

man

Coop

 

 

Okay

well

right

now

we

don't

need

more

engineers

We

didn't

run

out

of

television

screens

and

planes

We

ran

out

of

food

The

world

needs

farmers

Good

farmers

like

you

 

 

We're

a

caretaker

generation

Coop

And

things

are

getting

better

 

Are

we

done

here

sir

No

Miss

Hanley's

here

to

talk

about

Murph

HANLEY:

Murph

is

a

great

kid

She's

really

bright

But

she's

been

having

a

little

trouble

lately

She

brought

this

in

to

show

the

students

The

section

on

the

lunar

landings

Yeah

it's

one

of

my

old

textbooks

She

always

loved

the

pictures

It's

an

old

federal

textbook

We've

replaced

them

with

the

corrected

versions

Corrected

Explaining

how

the

Apollo

missions

were

faked

to

bankrupt

the

Soviet

Union

COOPER:

You

don't

believe

we

went

to

the

moon

It

was

a

brilliant

piece

of

propaganda

The

Soviets

bankrupted

themselves

pouring

resources

into

rockets

and

other

useless

machines

Useless

machines

If

we

don't

want

a

repeat

of

the

excess

and

wastefulness

of

the

th

century

then

we

need

to

teach

our

kids

about

this

planet

not

tales

of

leaving

it

One

of

those

useless

machines

they

used

to

make

was

called

an

MRI

If

we

had

any

of

those

left

the

doctors

would've

been

able

to

find

the

cyst

in

my

wife's

brain

before

she

died

instead

of

afterwards

Then

she'd

have

been

the

one

listening

to

this

instead

of

me

which

would

have

been

a

good

thing

because

she

was

always

the

calmer

one

I'm

sorry

about

your

wife

Mr

Cooper

But

Murph

got

into

a

fistfight

with

several

of

her

classmates

over

this

Apollo

nonsense

So

we

thought

it

best

to

bring

you

in

and

see

what

ideas

you

might

have

for

dealing

with

her

behavior

on

the

home

front

Yeah

you

know

what

Um

there's

a

game

tomorrow

night

She's

going

through

a

bit

of

a

baseball

phase

Her

favorite

team

is

playing

There's

gonna

be

candy

and

soda

and

I

think

I'll

take

her

to

that

(WHISTLING)

How'd

it

go

I

got

you

suspended

 

MAN

(OVER

RADIO):

Cooper

This

is

Cooper

Go

Coop

those

combines

you

rebuilt

went

haywire

Just

reset

the

controllers

I

did

that

Now

you

should

come

take

a

look

MAN:

One

by

one

they've

been

peeling

off

the

fields

and

heading

over

Something's

interfering

with

the

compass

Magnetism

or

some

such

(THUDDING)

MURPH:

Nothing

special

about

which

book

I've

been

working

on

it

like

you

said

 

 

In

case

the

ghost

is

trying

to

communicate

I'm

trying

Morse

Morse

Yeah

 

Dots

and

dashes

used

 

I

know

what

Morse

code

is

Murph

I

just

don't

think

your

bookshelf's

trying

to

talk

to

you

Had

to

reset

every

compass

clock

and

GPS

to

offset

for

the

anomaly

 

 

I

don't

know

If

the

house

was

built

on

magnetic

ore

we'd

have

seen

this

the

first

time

we

switched

on

the

tractor

I

hear

your

meeting

at

the

school

didn't

go

so

well

Heh

You

heard

It's

like

we've

forgotten

who

we

are

Donald

Explorers

pioneers

not

caretakers

When

I

was

a

kid

it

felt

like

they

made

something

new

every

day

Some

gadget

or

idea

Like

every

day

was

Christmas

But

six

billion

people

just

try

to

imagine

that

And

every

last

one

of

them

trying

to

have

it

all

(SIGHS)

This

world

isn't

so

bad

And

Tom

will

do

just

fine

You're

the

one

who

doesn't

belong

Born

years

too

late

or

years

too

early

My

daughter

knew

it

God

bless

her

And

your

kids

know

it

Especially

Murph

Well

we

used

to

look

up

in

the

sky

and

wonder

at

our

place

in

the

stars

Now

we

just

look

down

and

worry

about

our

place

in

the

dirt

Cooper

you

were

good

at

something

and

you

never

got

a

chance

to

do

anything

with

it

I'm

sorry

WOMAN

#:

You

didn't

expect

this

dirt

that

was

giving

you

this

food

to

turn

on

you

like

that

and

destroy

you

In

April

I

believe

I'm

right

Fifteenth

of

April

I

think

This

happened

about

:

when

that

thing

came

off

the

top

of

that

canyon

(CHEERING)

In

my

day

we

had

real

ballplayers

Who

are

these

bums

COOPER:

In

my

day

people

were

too

busy

fighting

over

food

to

even

play

baseball

Popcorn

at

a

ballgame

is

unnatural

I

want

a

hot

dog

School

says

you're

gonna

follow

in

my

footsteps

I

think

that's

great

 

You

think

that's

great

You

hate

farming

Dad

Grandpa

said

COOPER:

Grandpa

said

huh

Listen

all

that

matters

is

how

you

feel

about

it

I

like

what

you

do

I

like

our

farm

You're

gonna

be

great

at

it

(ALL

CHEERING)

(SIREN

WAILING

IN

DISTANCE)

Let's

get

out

of

here

COOPER:

All

right

it's

a

doozy

All

right

gang

let's

mask

up

 

Tom

Murph

Check'

TOM:

Yeah

Murph

Tom

you

guys

shut

your

windows

Murph

MURPH:

The

ghost

Grab

your

pillow

You're

sleeping

in

with

Tom

COOPER:

It's

not

a

ghost

It's

gravity

DONALD:

I'm

dropping

Tom

then

heading

to

town

You

want

to

clean

that

up

when

you've

finished

praying

to

it

It's

not

Morse

Murph

It's

binary

Thick

is

one

thin

is

zero

Coordinates

Nope

Mmmm

Here

we

go

Thirtythree

That's

it

COOPER:

I

can't

miss

this

Grandpa

will

be

back

in

a

couple

hours

Murph

MURPH:

But

you

don't

know

what

you're

gonna

find

And

that

is

why

I

can't

take

you

Murph

Grandpa

will

be

home

in

a

while

Tell

him

I'll

call

him

on

the

radio

 

Aah

 

 

 

Oh

you

think

this

is

funny

Huh

MURPH:

You

wouldn't

be

here

if

it

wasn't

for

me

COOPER:

Make

yourself

useful

(SOFTLY)

Hey

Murph

Murphy

I

think

this

is

the

end

of

the

road

Didn't

you

bring

the

bolt

cutters

That's

my

girl

MAN'S

VOICE:

Step

away

COOPER:

Don't

shoot

I'm

not

armed

My

daughter's

in

the

car

(CRACKLING)

(FOOTSTEPS)

 

MAN'S

VOICE:

Don't

be

afraid

 

Aah

MAN'S

VOICE:

How

did

you

find

this

place

COOPER:

Where's

my

daughter

TARS:

You

had

the

coordinates

for

this

facility

marked

on

your

map

Where

did

you

get

them

Where's

my

daughter

Don't

make

me

take

you

down

again

Sit

down

COOPER:

Oh

you

still

think

you're

a

Marine

pal

Marines

don't

exist

anymore

 

 

COOPER:

But

you

don't

look

much

like

a

lawnmower

Think

I'll

turn

you

into

an

overqualified

vacuum

cleaner

BRAND:

No

you

won't

TARS

back

down

please

You

know

you're

taking

a

risk

using

exmilitary

security

They're

old

and

their

control

units

are

unpredictable

It's

what

the

government

could

spare

(PANTING)

COOPER:

Who

are

you

BRAND:

Dr

Brand

I

knew

a

Dr

Brand

once

He

was

a

professor

What

makes

you

think

I'm

not

Wasn't

near

as

cute

either

COOPER:

Please

Dr

Brand

I

don't

have

any

idea

what

this

is

Now

I'm

scared

for

my

daughter

and

want

her

by

my

side

You

give

me

that

I'll

tell

you

anything

you

want

to

know

BRAND:

Get

the

principals

and

the

girl

in

the

conference

room

please

Your

daughter

is

fine

Bright

kid

Must

have

a

very

smart

mother

COOPER:

It's

pretty

clear

you

don't

want

any

visitors

So

why

don't

you

just

let

us

back

up

from

your

fence

and

we'll

be

on

our

way

Huh

 

It's

not

that

simple

 

Well

sure

it

is

I

don't

know

anything

about

you

I

don't

know

anything

about

this

place

Yes

you

do

MURPH:

Dad

PROF

BRAND:

Hello

Cooper

Professor

Brand

WILLIAMS:

Explain

to

me

how

you

found

this

facility

COOPER:

Kind

of

an

accident

We

sort

of

stumbled

upon

it

We

were

on

a

salvage

run

WILLIAMS:

You're

sitting

in

the

bestkept

secret

in

the

world

Nobody

stumbles

in

here

Nobody

stumbles

out

PROF

BRAND:

Cooper

please

Cooperate

with

these

people

COOPER:

Look

It's

kind

of

hard

to

explain

We

learned

these

coordinates

from

an

anomaly

DOYLE:

What

sort

of

anomaly

COOPER:

I

hesitate

to

term

it

supernatural

but

it

definitely

wasn't

scientific

WILLIAMS:

You're

going

to

have

to

be

specific

Mr

Cooper

Right

now

MURPH:

It

was

gravity

DOYLE:

Um

what

sort

of

gravitational

anomaly

Where

was

this

COOPER:

Now

I'm

real

happy

that

you're

excited

about

gravity

bud

but

you're

not

getting

any

answers

from

us

until

I

get

assurances

 

COOPER:

Yeah

Like

that

we're

getting

out

of

here

And

I

don't

mean

in

the

trunk

of

some

car

(ALL

LAUGH)

PROF

BRAND:

Don't

you

know

who

we

are

Coop

COOPER:

No

professor

I

don't

BRAND:

You

know

my

father

Professor

Brand

We're

NASA

 

PROF

BRAND:

NASA

The

same

NASA

you

flew

for

COOPER:

I

heard

they

shut

you

down

sir

for

refusing

to

drop

bombs

from

the

stratosphere

onto

starving

people

PROF

BRAND:

When

they

realized

that

killing

other

people

was

not

a

longterm

solution

then

they

needed

us

back

 

 

PROF

BRAND:

Because

public

opinion

wouldn't

allow

spending

on

space

exploration

Not

while

you're

struggling

to

put

food

on

the

table

Blight

Wheat

seven

years

ago

Okra

this

year

Now

there's

just

corn

COOPER:

And

we're

growing

more

than

we

ever

have

PROF

BRAND:

But

like

the

potatoes

in

Ireland

and

the

wheat

in

the

Dust

Bowl

the

corn

will

die

Soon

(COOPER

SIGHS)

COOPER:

We'll

find

a

way

professor

We

always

have

PROF

BRAND:

Driven

by

the

unshakable

faith

the

Earth

is

ours

COOPER:

Not

just

ours

no

But

it

is

our

home

PROF

BRAND:

Earth's

atmosphere

is

percent

nitrogen

We

don't

even

breathe

nitrogen

Blight

does

And

as

it

thrives

our

air

gets

less

and

less

oxygen

The

last

people

to

starve

will

be

the

first

to

suffocate

And

your

daughter's

generation

will

be

the

last

to

survive

on

Earth

BRAND:

Murph

is

tired

I

was

wondering

if

she

could

take

a

nap

in

my

office

Yeah

Thank

you

COOPER:

Okay

now

you

need

to

tell

me

what

your

plan

is

to

save

the

world

PROF

BRAND:

We're

not

meant

to

save

the

world

We're

meant

to

leave

it

COOPER:

Rangers

The

last

components

of

our

one

versatile

ship

in

orbit

the

Endurance

Our

final

expedition

You

sent

people

out

there

looking

for

a

new

home

The

Lazarus

missions

 

Oh

that

sounds

cheerful

 

Sure

but

he

had

to

die

in

the

first

place

There's

not

a

planet

in

our

solar

system

that

could

sustain

life

and

the

nearest

star's

over

a

thousand

years

away

That

doesn't

even

qualify

as

futile

Where'd

you

send

them

Cooper

I

can't

tell

you

anymore

unless

you

agree

to

pilot

this

craft

 

You're

the

best

pilot

we

ever

had

 

PROF

BRAND:

This

team

never

left

the

simulator

We

need

a

pilot

and

this

is

the

mission

that

you

were

trained

for

Without

even

knowing

it

COOPER:

An

hour

ago

you

didn't

even

know

I

was

alive

You

were

going

anyway

PROF

BRAND:

We

had

no

choice

But

something

sent

you

here

 

 

Who's

"they"

COOPER:

How

long

would

I

be

gone

PROF

BRAND:

Hard

to

know

Years

COOPER:

I've

got

kids

professor

PROF

BRAND:

Get

out

there

and

save

them

COOPER:

Who's

"they"

ROMILLY:

We

started

detecting

gravitational

anomalies

almost

years

ago

Mostly

small

distortions

to

our

instruments

in

the

upper

atmosphere

In

fact

I

believe

you

encountered

one

yourself

COOPER:

Yeah

over

the

Straights

My

crash

Something

tripped

my

flybywire

ROMILLY:

Exactly

But

of

all

these

anomalies

the

most

significant

is

this:

Out

near

Saturn

a

disturbance

of

spacetime

 

 

It

appeared

years

ago

COOPER:

And

it

leads

where

PROF

BRAND:

Another

galaxy

COOPER:

A

wormhole's

not

a

naturally

occurring

phenomenon

BRAND:

Someone

placed

it

there

"They"

 

And

whoever

they

are

they

appear

to

be

looking

out

for

us

That

Wormhole

lets

us

travel

to

other

stars

It

came

along

right

as

we

needed

it

DOYLE:

They've

put

potentially

habitable

worlds

right

within

our

reach

Twelve

in

fact

from

our

initial

probes

 

 

PROF

BRAND:

We

sent

people

into

it

Ten

years

ago

The

Lazarus

missions

PROF

BRAND:

Twelve

possible

worlds

twelve

Ranger

launches

carrying

the

bravest

humans

ever

to

live

led

by

the

remarkable

Dr

Mann

DOYLE:

Each

person's

landing

pod

had

enough

life

support

for

two

years

But

they

could

use

hibernation

to

stretch

that

making

observations

on

organics

over

a

decade

or

more

Their

mission

was

to

assess

their

world

and

if

it

showed

potential

then

they

could

send

out

a

signal

bed

down

for

the

long

nap

wait

to

be

rescued

And

what

if

the

world

didn't

show

promise

Hence

the

bravery

You

don't

have

the

resources

to

visit

all

 

No

Data

transmission

back

through

the

Wormhole

is

rudimentary

Simple

binary

pings

on

an

annual

basis

give

us

some

clue

as

to

which

worlds

have

potential

And

one

system

shows

promise

One

That's

a

bit

of

a

long

shot

isn't

it

BRAND:

One

system

with

three

potential

worlds

No

long

shot

COOPER:

Okay

So

if

we

find

a

home

then

what

 

That's

the

long

shot

PROF

BRAND:

There's

a

Plan

A

and

a

Plan

B

Did

you

notice

anything

strange

about

the

launch

chamber

COOPER:

This

entire

facility's

a

centrifuge

Some

kind

of

vehicle

A

space

station

PROF

BRAND:

Both

Plan

A

COOPER:

How

do

you

get

it

off

the

ground

PROF

BRAND:

The

first

gravitational

anomalies

changed

everything

Suddenly

we

knew

that

harnessing

gravity

was

real

So

I

started

working

on

a

theory

and

we

started

building

this

station

But

you

haven't

solved

it

yet

BRAND:

That's

why

there's

Plan

B

The

problem

is

gravity

How

to

get

a

viable

amount

of

human

life

off

the

planet

This

is

one

way

Plan

B:

a

population

bomb

Over

fertilized

eggs

weighing

in

at

just

under

kilos

How

would

you

raise

them

With

equipment

on

board

we

incubate

the

first

 

After

that

with

surrogacy

the

growth

becomes

exponential

Within

years

we

could

have

a

colony

of

hundreds

The

real

difficulty

with

colonization

is

genetic

diversity

This

takes

care

of

that

COOPER:

But

what

about

the

people

here

You

just

give

up

on

them

My

kids

That's

why

Plan

A

is

a

lot

more

fun

 

 

You're

asking

me

to

hang

everything

on

an

almost

I'm

asking

you

to

trust

me

(SIGHS)

Find

us

a

new

home

And

by

the

time

you

return

I

will

have

solved

the

problem

of

gravity

I

give

you

my

word

MURPH:

Go

away

Murph

MURPH:

Go

If

you're

leaving

just

go

DONALD:

This

world

was

never

enough

for

you

was

it

Coop

COOPER:

What

because

heading

out

there

is

what

I

feel

like

I

was

born

to

do

And

it

excites

me

Heh

No

that

does

not

make

it

wrong

It

might

DONALD:

Don't

trust

the

right

thing

done

for

the

wrong

reason

The

why

of

the

thing

that's

the

foundation

And

the

foundation's

solid

We

farmers

we

sit

here

every

year

when

the

rains

fail

and

we

say:

Next

year

Well

next

year

ain't

gonna

save

us

nor

the

one

after

that

COOPER:

This

world's

a

treasure

Donald

but

it's

been

telling

us

to

leave

for

a

while

now

Mankind

was

born

on

Earth

it

was

never

meant

to

die

here

Tom

will

be

all

right

but

you

got

to

make

things

right

with

Murph

I

Will

Without

making

promises

you

don't

know

you

can

keep

You

have

to

talk

to

me

Murph

I

need

to

fix

this

before

I

go

MURPH:

Then

I'll

keep

it

broken

so

you

have

to

stay

COOPER:

After

you

kids

came

along

your

mom

said

something

to

me

I

never

quite

understood

She

said

"Now

we're

just

here

to

be

memories

for

our

kids"

And

I

think

that

now

I

understand

what

she

meant

Once

you're

a

parent

you're

the

ghost

of

your

children's

future

MURPH:

You

said

ghosts

didn't

exist

COOPER:

That's

right

Murph

Murph

look

at

me

I

can't

be

your

ghost

right

now

I

need

to

exist

They

chose

me

Murph

they

chose

me

You

saw

You're

the

one

who

led

me

to

them

MURPH:

That's

exactly

why

you

can't

go

I

figured

out

the

message

 

 

Stay

 

It

says

"Stay"

Dad

 

You

don't

believe

me

Look

at

the

books

Look

at

this

It

says

"Stay"

Why

You're

not

listening

It

says

"Stay"

No

I'm

coming

back

When'

One

for

you

one

for

me

When

I'm

up

there

in

hypersleep

or

traveling

near

the

speed

of

light

or

near

a

black

hole

time's

gonna

change

for

me

It's

gonna

run

more

slowly

When

we

get

back

we're

gonna

compare

MURPH:

Time

will

run

differently

for

us

 

By

the

time

I

get

back

we

might

even

be

the

same

age

you

and

me

What

Imagine

that

Aw

Murph

You

have

no

idea

when

you're

coming

back

No

idea

at

all

COOPER:

Murph

don't

Don't

make

me

leave

like

this

Come

on

Murph

Don't

make

me

leave

like

this

Murph

Hey

I

love

you

Forever

You

hear

me

I

love

you

forever

and

I'm

coming

back

I'm

coming

back

 

How'd

it

go

 

Just

fine

I

love

you

Tom

 

Travel

safe

huh

 

You

look

after

our

place

for

me

all

right

 

 

 

Hey

can

I

use

your

truck

while

you're

gone

 

I'll

make

sure

they

bring

it

back

Look

after

my

kids

Donald

TARS:

Go

for

main

engine

start

Tminus

 

 

Dad

 

nine

Dad

eight

seven

Dad

six

five

main

engine

start

four

three

two

one

Booster

ignition

and

All

engines

look

good

Beginning

roll

program

Prepare

for

stage

one

separation

Stage

one

There

is

Mach

 

Everybody

good

Plenty

of

slaves

for

my

robot

colony

DOYLE:

They

gave

him

a

humor

setting

so

he'd

fit

in

better

with

his

unit

He

thinks

it

relaxes

us

COOPER:

A

giant

sarcastic

robot

What

a

great

idea

TARS:

I

have

a

cue

light

I

can

use

when

I'm

joking

if

you

like

That'd

probably

help

You

can

use

it

to

find

your

way

back

to

the

ship

after

I

blow

you

out

the

airlock

 

What's

your

humor

setting

TARS

 

That's

percent

Let's

bring

it

on

down

to

please

TARS:

Stage

two

separation

COOPER:

All

feeds

going

manual

TARS:

Going

manual

COOPER:

Deactivate

probe

heater

one

two

and

three

TARS:

Check

 

TARS:

This

is

handover

to

you

DOYLE:

ADF

check

COOPER:

Over

Pull

thrusters

back

Fuel

cells

one

two

three

MAN:

One

hundred

percent

COOPER:

Exmites

It's

hard

leaving

everything

My

kids

Your

father

BRAND:

We're

going

to

be

spending

a

lot

of

time

together

 

 

Just

being

honest

I

don't

think

you

need

to

be

that

honest

COOPER:

Hey

TARS

what's

your

honesty

parameter

TARS:

Ninety

percent

 

Absolute

honesty

isn't

always

the

most

diplomatic

nor

the

safest

form

of

communication

with

emotional

beings

Okay

Ninety

percent

it

is

Dr

Brand

We

are

coming

up

on

the

Endurance

Twelve

minutes

out

Okay

Taking

control

Approaching

module

port

meters

It's

all

you

Doyle

Nice

and

easy

Doyle

Nice

and

easy

I

feel

good

Take

us

home

(BEEPING)

 

 

COOPER:

Well

done

 

Okay

helmets

on

Good

job

Door's

not

charging

Never

mind

Cooper

you

should

have

control

Control

here

Communication

with

ring

module

active

BRAND:

Oh

wow

TARS:

That's

initiate

COOPER:

Are

we

ready

to

spin

 

 

Hello

CASE

 

Hello

TARS

All

right

we're

all

set

All

right

let's

do

it

Heh

COOPER:

Thirty

percent

of

spin

One

G

How's

gravity

treating

you

back

there

Well

Romilly

Hey

you

okay

 

 

ROMILLY:

Mm

Yeah

I

just

need

a

minute

We

have

some

Dramamine

in

the

hab

pod

or

maybe

in

the

cryobeds

I'll

just

be

a

sec

 

Hey

Brand

 

 

 

Amelia

be

safe

 

Give

my

regards

to

Dr

Mann

 

I

will

Dad

It

looks

good

for

your

trajectory

We've

calculated

two

years

to

Saturn

That's

a

lot

of

Dramamine

Look

after

my

family

will

you

please

sir

We'll

be

waiting

for

you

when

you

get

back

A

little

older

a

little

wiser

but

happy

to

see

you

PROF

BRAND:

Do

not

go

gentle

into

that

good

night

Old

age

should

burn

and

rave

at

close

of

day

Rage

rage

against

the

dying

of

the

light

Though

wise

men

at

their

end

Know

dark

is

right

Because

their

words

had

forked

No

lightning

they

Do

not

go

gentle

into

that

good

night

Rage

rage

against

the

dying

of

the

light

DOYLE:

You

good

ROMILLY:

Yeah

Okay

thank

you

Here

Pills

So

alone

We

have

each

other

Dr

Mann

had

it

worse

No

I

mean

them

Hm

COOPER:

It's

a

perfect

planet

and

we

won't

find

another

one

like

her

No

it's

not

like

looking

for

a

new

condo

The

human

race

is

going

to

be

adrift

desperate

for

a

rock

it

can

cling

to

while

it

catches

its

breath

We

need

to

find

that

rock

And

our

three

prospects

are

at

the

edge

of

what

might

sustain

human

life

Laura

Miller's

planet

is

first

 

COOPER:

Mmhm

AMELIA:

Uh

Wolf

Edmunds

is

here

 

Oh

uh

Wolf's

a

particle

physicist

None

of

them

had

families

huh

No

No

attachments

My

father

insisted

They

all

knew

the

odds

against

ever

seeing

another

human

being

again

I'm

hoping

we

can

surprise

at

least

three

of

them

 

 

He's

remarkable

He's

the

best

of

us

He

inspired

people

to

follow

him

on

the

loneliest

journey

in

human

history

Scientists

explorers

That's

what

I

love

You

know

out

there

we

face

great

odds

Death

but

not

evil

You

don't

think

nature

can

be

evil

No

Formidable

Frightening

But

no

not

evil

 

Is

a

lion

evil

because

it

rips

a

gazelle

to

shreds

Just

what

we

take

with

us

then

Yeah

This

crew

represents

the

best

of

humanity

Even

me

huh

You

know

what

We

agreed

percent

There

you

go

 

Don't

stay

up

 

I'll

be

there

in

a

minute

Just

remember

Coop

you

are

literally

wasting

your

breath

Hey

TARS

Let's

go

over

that

trajectory

one

more

time

TARS:

Eight

months

to

Mars

Counterorbital

slingshot

around

Fourteen

months

to

Saturn

Nothing's

changed

on

that

Just

let

me

ask

you

something

 

 

Why

are

you

whispering

They

can't

hear

you

COOPER:

Dr

Brand

and

Edmunds

They

close

I

wouldn't

know

Is

that

percent

"wouldn't

know"

or

percent

"wouldn't

know"

 

I

also

have

a

discretion

setting

Cooper

 

But

not

a

poker

face

Slick

Hey

guys

COOPER:

Uh

Dad's

about

to

go

down

for

the

long

nap

So

I

wanted

to

give

you

an

update

Uh

The

Earth

looks

amazing

from

here

Um

You

can't

see

any

of

the

dust

Heh

Um

I

really

hope

you

guys

are

doing

great

I

know

you'll

get

this

message

Professor

Brand's

assured

me

he'll

get

it

to

you

Know

that

I

love

you

 

DONALD:

I

don't

think

so

Murph

PROF

BRAND:

You

must

be

Donald

Hello

Murph

MURPH:

Why

are

you

in

my

dad's

truck

He

wanted

me

to

bring

it

for

your

brother

He

sent

you

a

message

She's

pretty

upset

with

him

for

leaving

If

you

record

any

messages

I

can

get

them

to

transmit

it

to

Cooper

Murph

is

a

bright

spark

Maybe

I

should

fan

the

flame

She's

already

making

fools

of

her

teachers

So

maybe

she

should

come

and

make

a

fool

out

of

you

 

 

The

next

time

you

hear

from

Cooper

they'll

be

coming

up

on

Saturn

TOM

(ON

RECORDING):

As

far

as

school

goes

the

administration

wants

me

to

repeat

Plant

Pathology

Which

sucks

But

they

said

I

could

start

Advanced

Agriculture

a

year

early

All

right

I

got

to

go

Dad

Hope

you're

safe

up

there

DONALD:

Um

sorry

Coop

I

asked

Murph

to

say

hi

but

she's

as

stubborn

as

her

old

man

I'll

try

again

next

time

You

all

right

Rom

(COOPER

CLEARS

THROAT)

ROMILLY:

This

gets

to

me

Cooper

This

This

Millimeters

of

aluminum

that's

it

and

then

nothing

out

there

for

millions

of

miles

won't

kill

us

in

seconds

You

know

that

some

of

the

finest

solo

yachtsmen

in

the

world

don't

know

how

to

swim

They

don't

know

how

And

if

they

go

overboard

psst

they're

done

COOPER:

We're

explorers

Rom

This

is

our

boat

Here

(CRICKETS

CHIRPING

ON

RECORDING)

(THUNDER

RUMBLING

AND

RAIN

FALLING

ON

RECORDING)

COOPER:

This

is

from

the

uh

relay

probe

It

was

in

orbit

around

the

Wormhole

This

is

the

Wormhole

and

every

time

we'd

come

around

we

would

receive

images

from

the

other

side

of

the

foreign

galaxy

Oh

yeah

Like

swinging

a

periscope

around

Exactly

So

we

got

a

pretty

good

idea

what

we're

gonna

find

on

the

other

side

huh

Navigationally

AMELIA:

Guys

We'll

be

approaching

the

Wormhole

in

about

three

hours

Hey

Coop

ROMILLY:

Can

we

stop

the

spinning

COOPER:

Why

ROMILLY:

Because

we're

close

enough

to

see

it

now

All

right

Thanks

There

that's

it

That's

the

Wormhole

Say

it

don't

spray

it

Rom

It's

a

sphere

Of

course

it

is

What

you

You

thought

it

would

just

be

a

hole

No

it's

just

that

all

the

illustrations

I've

ever

seen

they

ROMILLY:

In

the

illustrations

they're

trying

to

show

you

how

it

works

So

they

say

you

want

to

go

from

here

to

there

 

But

it's

too

far

right

 

So

a

Wormhole

bends

space

like

this

so

you

can

take

a

shortcut

through

a

higher

dimension

Okay

so

to

show

that

they've

turned

threedimensional

space

into

two

dimensions

which

turns

a

Wormhole

into

two

dimensions

a

circle

What's

a

circle

in

three

dimensions

 

 

A

spherical

hole

But

who

put

it

there

Who

do

we

have

to

thank

I'm

not

thanking

anybody

until

we

get

out

of

here

in

one

piece

Rom

COOPER:

Any

trick

to

this

Doyle

No

one

knows

The

others

made

it

right

At

least

some

of

them

Everybody

ready

to

say

goodbye

to

our

solar

system

To

our

galaxy

Here

we

go

(HULL

CREAKING

AND

ALARMS

BEEPING)

The

controls

won't

work

here

We're

passing

through

the

bulk

It's

space

beyond

our

three

dimensions

All

you

can

do

is

record

and

observe

What

is

that

I

think

it's

them

Distorting

spacetime

ROMILLY:

Don't

Don't

(BEEPING

STOPS)

What

was

that

AMELIA:

The

first

handshake

We're

We're

here

DOYLE:

So

the

lost

communications

came

through

 

 

So

years

of

basic

data

No

real

surprises

Miller's

site

has

kept

pinging

thumbs

up

as

has

Dr

Mann's

Um

Edmunds'

went

down

three

years

ago

Transmitter

failure

Maybe

He

was

sending

the

thumbs

up

right

until

it

went

dark

But

Miller's

still

looks

good

though

right

 

Because

she's

coming

up

fast

DOYLE:

Mmhm

With

one

complication

The

planet

is

much

closer

to

Gargantua

than

we

thought

COOPER:

Gargantua

 

It's

what

we're

calling

the

black

hole

Miller's

and

Dr

Mann's

planets

both

orbit

it

 

And

Miller's

is

on

the

horizon

ROMILLY:

As

a

basketball

around

a

hoop

Landing

there

takes

us

dangerously

close

And

a

black

hole

that

big

has

a

huge

gravitational

pull

COOPER:

Look

I

could

swing

around

that

neutron

star

to

decelerate

AMELIA:

No

it's

not

that

It's

time

The

gravity

on

that

planet

will

slow

our

clock

compared

to

Earth's

drastically

How

bad

ROMILLY:

Every

hour

we

spend

on

that

planet

will

be

seven

years

back

on

Earth

Jesus

ROMILLY:

Well

that's

relativity

folks

COOPER:

Well

we

can't

just

drop

down

there

without

DOYLE:

Cooper

we

have

a

mission

COOPER:

Yeah

Doyle

we

have

a

mission

and

our

mission

Plan

A

is

to

find

a

planet

that

can

habitate

the

people

that

are

living

on

Earth

now

DOYLE:

You

can't

just

think

about

your

family

Now

you

have

to

think

bigger

COOPER:

I

am

thinking

about

my

family

and

millions

of

other

families

okay

Plan

A

does

not

work

if

the

people

on

Earth

are

dead

by

the

time

we

pull

it

off

DOYLE:

No

It

doesn't

That's

why

there's

a

Plan

B

AMELIA:

Okay

Cooper's

right

We

need

to

think

of

time

as

a

resource

like

oxygen

and

food

Going

down

will

cost

us

DOYLE:

All

right

look

Dr

Mann's

data

is

promising

but

it

will

take

months

to

get

there

And

Edmunds'

it's

even

further

Miller

hasn't

sent

much

but

what

she

has

is

very

promising

It's

water

it's

organics

 

You

don't

find

that

every

day

 

No

you

don't

And

just

think

about

the

resources

including

time

that

would

be

spent

trying

to

get

back

here

 

 

how

far

off

from

Miller's

planet

do

we

have

to

be

to

stay

out

of

the

time

shift

Just

back

from

the

cusp

All

right

which

is

here

just

outside

of

Miller's

planet

ROMILLY:

Right

 

Here's

Gargantua

Here's

Miller's

planet

Instead

of

taking

the

Endurance

into

orbit

around

Miller's

planet

which

would

conserve

fuel

but

we

would

lose

a

lot

of

time

what

if

we

take

a

wider

orbit

around

Gargantua

parallel

with

Miller's

planet

outside

of

this

time

shift

to

here

Then

we

take

the

Ranger

down

we

get

Miller

we

get

her

samples

We

come

back

we

analyze

we

debrief

We're

in

we're

out

We

lose

a

little

fuel

but

we

save

a

whole

lot

of

time

 

That'll

work

 

That's

good

There's

no

time

for

monkey

business

or

chitchat

down

there

So

TARS

you

should

definitely

stay

here

CASE

you're

with

me

Anyone

else

can

stay

If

we're

talking

about

a

couple

years

I

could

use

the

time

to

research

gravity

Observations

from

the

Wormhole

that's

gold

to

Professor

Brand

COOPER:

TARS

factor

an

orbit

of

Gargantua

Conserve

fuel

minimize

thrusting

but

make

sure

we

stay

in

range

of

Miller's

planet

 

TARS:

I

wouldn't

leave

you

behind

Dr

Brand

COOPER:

You

ready

CASE

CASE:

Yup

 

You

don't

say

much

do

you

 

Detach

 

Romilly

are

you

reading

these

forces

ROMILLY:

It's

unbelievable

A

literal

heart

of

darkness

If

we

could

just

see

the

collapsed

star

inside

the

singularity

yeah

we'd

solve

gravity

 

And

we

can't

get

anything

from

it

 

Nothing

escapes

that

horizon

Not

even

light

 

The

answer's

there

just

no

way

to

see

it

 

There's

Miller's

planet

Goodbye

Ranger

CASE:

This

is

fast

for

atmospheric

entry

 

 

I'm

gonna

use

the

Ranger's

aerodynamics

to

save

some

fuel

CASE:

Air

brake

 

We

want

to

get

down

fast

don't

we

 

 

CASE:

Brand

Doyle

get

ready

(ALARMS

BEEPING)

CASE:

We

should

ease

COOPER:

Hands

where

I

can

see

them

The

only

time

I

went

down

was

when

a

machine

was

easing

at

the

wrong

time

 

Can

get

you

killed

like

reckless

driving

 

Cooper

it's

too

damn

fast

 

CASE:

Should

I

disable

the

feedback

 

Here

we

go

It's

just

water

The

stuff

of

life

CASE:

Twelve

hundred

meters

 

CASE:

Got

it

 

 

I'll

need

to

shave

some

speed

I'm

gonna

spiral

down

on

top

of

it

Everybody

hang

on

CASE:

Seven

hundred

On

my

cue

CASE

On

my

cue

CASE:

Five

hundred

meters

Fire

Very

graceful

No

But

very

efficient

What

are

you

waiting

for

Let's

go

Go

go

go

Seven

years

per

hour

here

Let's

make

it

count

(PANTING)

CASE:

This

way

About

meters

The

gravity's

punishing

Been

floating

through

space

too

long

CASE:

One

hundred

and

thirty

percent

Earth

gravity

COOPER:

Come

on

Come

on

 

There's

nothing

here

CASE:

Should

be

right

here

If

the

signal's

coming

from

here

then

Her

beacon

DOYLE:

Wreckage

Where's

the

rest

Towards

the

mountains

COOPER:

Those

aren't

mountains

They're

waves

Oh

shit

Oh

shit

Oh

shit

COOPER:

That

one's

moving

away

from

us

AMELIA:

We

need

the

recorder

COOPER:

Brand

Doyle

back

to

the

Ranger

now

We're

not

leaving

without

her

data

Get

back

here

now

We

do

not

have

time

The

second

wave

is

coming

We're

in

the

middle

of

a

swell

AMELIA:

No

I

got

it

Get

your

ass

back

to

the

Ranger

now

(GRUNTING)

Brand

get

back

here

now

AMELIA:

No

Cooper

go

Cooper

go

I

can't

make

it

 

Go

 

CASE

go

get

her

 

Go

 

Get

up

Get

up

Brand

DOYLE:

Go

go

Go

 

I'm

not

gonna

make

it

 

Yes

you

are

Yes

you

are

Come

on

CASE

has

her

Get

back

here

Doyle

Come

on

Get

to

the

hatch

Go

go

Go

Shit

Manually

overriding

inside

hatch

Cooper

Wait

COOPER:

The

engines

are

flooded

I'm

gonna

have

to

shut

her

down

(AMELIA

YELLING)

Holy

shit

Hang

on

(YELLING)

CASE

what's

the

problem

Too

waterlogged

Let

it

drain

Goddamn

it

 

I

told

you

to

leave

me

Why

didn't

you

 

And

I

told

you

to

get

your

ass

back

here

 

One

of

us

was

thinking

about

the

mission

 

I

was

trying

to

do

the

right

thing

Can

you

tell

that

to

Doyle

COOPER:

CASE

how

much

time

 

The

stuff

of

life

huh

What's

this

gonna

cost

us

Brand

A

lot

Decades

(PANTING)

(GROANS)

COOPER:

What

happened

to

Miller

AMELIA:

Judging

by

the

wreckage

she

was

broken

up

by

a

wave

soon

after

impact

How's

the

wreckage

stayed

together

after

all

these

years

huh

Because

of

the

time

slippage

On

this

planet's

time

she

just

landed

hours

ago

She

probably

just

died

minutes

ago

CASE:

The

data

Doyle

received

was

just

the

initial

status

echoing

endlessly

Oh

we

are

not

prepared

for

this

You

eggheads

have

the

survival

skills

of

a

Boy

Scout

troop

Well

we

got

this

far

on

our

brains

Farther

than

any

human

in

history

Well

not

far

enough

And

now

we're

stuck

here

till

there

won't

be

anyone

left

on

Earth

to

save

I'm

counting

every

minute

same

as

you

Cooper

Is

there

any

possibility

some

kind

of

a

way

we

can

maybe

all

jump

in

a

black

hole

Gain

back

the

years

Don't

shake

your

head

at

me

Time

is

relative

okay

It

can

stretch

and

it

can

squeeze

but

it

can't

run

backwards

lt

just

can't

The

only

thing

that

can

move

across

dimensions

like

time

is

gravity

Okay

The

beings

that

led

us

here

they

communicate

through

gravity

right

 

Could

they

be

talking

to

us

from

the

future

 

 

They

are

beings

of

five

dimensions

To

them

time

might

be

another

physical

dimension

To

them

the

past

might

be

a

canyon

that

they

can

climb

into

and

the

future

a

mountain

they

can

climb

up

But

to

us

it's

not

okay

Look

Cooper

I

screwed

up

I'm

sorry

But

you

knew

about

relativity

Oh

(SOFTLY)

Brand

(SIGHS)

my

daughter

was

years

old

I

couldn't

teach

her

Einstein's

theories

before

I

left

Couldn't

you

have

told

her

you

were

going

to

save

the

world

No

When

you

become

a

parent

one

thing

becomes

really

clear

And

that

is

that

you

want

to

make

sure

your

children

feel

safe

And

it

rules

out

telling

a

yearold

that

the

world

is

ending

cooper

(DISTANT

RUMBLING)

 

How

long

for

the

engines

CASE

 

We

don't

have

it

Helmets

on

Brand

copilot

you're

up

CASE

blow

the

cabin

oxygen

through

the

main

thrusters

 

We're

gonna

spark

it

 

 

 

Engines

up

Hello

Rom

I've

waited

years

How

How

many

years

ROMILLY:

By

now

it

must

be

CASE:

Twentythree

years

four

months

eight

days

Doyle

I

thought

I

was

prepared

I

knew

the

theory

Reality's

different

And

Miller

There's

nothing

here

for

us

Why

didn't

you

sleep

Oh

I

had

a

couple

of

stretches

But

I

stopped

believing

you

were

coming

back

And

something

seemed

wrong

about

dreaming

my

life

away

I

learned

what

I

could

from

the

black

hole

but

I

couldn't

send

anything

to

your

father

We've

been

receiving

but

nothing

gets

out

AMELIA:

ls

he

alive

 

Oh

yeah

 

 

ROMILLY:

We've

got

years

of

messages

stored

Cooper

COMPUTER:

Messages

span

years

Play

it

from

the

beginning

TOM

(ON

RECORDING):

Hey

Dad

Checking

in

Saying

hi

Um

Finished

second

in

school

Miss

Kurling's

still

giving

me

C's

though

Pulled

me

down

but

seconds

not

bad

Grandpa

attended

the

ceremony

Um

Oh

I

met

another

girl

Dad

I

uh

I

really

think

this

is

the

one

Name's

Lois

That's

her

right

there

Murphy

stole

Grandpa's

car

She

crashed

it

She's

okay

though

Hey

Dad

Look

at

this

You're

a

grandpa

His

name's

Jesse

I

kind

of

wanted

to

call

him

Coop

but

Lois

says

uh

maybe

next

time

Donald

says

he's

already

earned

the

"great"

part

so

we

just

leave

it

at

that

(TOM

SPEAKS

INDISTINCTLY)

LOIS:

Oh

dear

Oh

dear

Say

"Byebye

Grandpa"

Byebye

Grandpa

Okay

Sorry

it's

been

a

while

Just"

what

with

Jesse

and

all

Uh

Grandpa

died

last

week

We

buried

him

out

in

the

back

forty

next

to

Mom

and

Jesse

Which

is

where

we

would

have

buried

you

if

you'd

ever

come

back

Murph

was

there

at

the

funeral

We

don't

see

her

that

much

but

she

came

for

that

You

aren't

listening

to

this

I

know

that

All

these

messages

are

just

like

drifting

out

there

in

the

darkness

Lois

says

that

uh

l

have

to

let

you

go

And

uh

So

I

guess

I'm

letting

you

go

I

don't

know

where

you

are

Dad

but

I

hope

that

you're

at

peace

Goodbye

MURPH:

Hey

Dad

Hey

Murph

You

son

of

a

bitch

I

never

made

one

of

these

when

you

were

still

responding

because

I

was

so

mad

at

you

for

leaving

And

then

when

you

went

quiet

it

seemed

like

I

should

live

with

that

decision

And

I

have

But

today's

my

birthday

And

it's

a

special

one

because

you

told

me

You

once

told

me

that

when

you

came

back

we

might

be

the

same

age

And

today

I'm

the

age

you

were

when

you

left

So

it

would

be

a

real

good

time

for

you

to

come

back

(BOTH

SOBBING)

(SNIFFLES)

PROF

BRAND:

I

didn't

mean

to

intrude

It's

just

that

I've

never

seen

you

in

here

before

MURPH:

I've

never

been

in

here

before

PROF

BRAND:

I

talk

to

Amelia

all

the

time

It

helps

PROF

BRAND:

m

glad

you've

started

MURPH:

I

haven't

I

I

just

had

something

I

needed

to

get

out

 

I

know

they're

still

out

there

 

There

are

so

many

reasons

their

communications

might

not

be

getting

through

MURPH:

I

know

professor

I'm

not

sure

what

I'm

more

afraid

of

Them

never

coming

back

or

coming

back

to

find

we've

failed

Then

let's

succeed

So

back

to

the

fourth

iteration

Let's

run

it

through

some

new

fields

With

respect

professor

we've

tried

that

hundreds

of

times

It

only

has

to

work

once

Murph

PROF

BRAND:

Every

rivet

that

they

strike

could

have

been

a

bullet

We've

done

well

for

the

world

here

whether

or

not

we

crack

the

equation

before

I

kick

the

bucket

 

Don't

be

morbid

professor

 

I'm

not

afraid

of

death

I'm

an

old

physicist

I'm

afraid

of

time

MURPH:

Time

You're

afraid

of

time

We've

been

trying

to

solve

the

equation

without

changing

the

underlying

assumption

about

time

 

 

each

iteration

is

an

attempt

to

prove

its

own

proof

It's

recursive

It's

nonsensical

Are

you

calling

my

life's

work

nonsense

Murph

No

I'm

saying

that

you've

been

trying

to

finish

it

with

one

arm

No

with

both

arms

tied

behind

your

back

And

I

don't

understand

why

PROF

BRAND:

I'm

an

old

man

Murph

Can

we

take

this

point

up

at

another

time

I

want

to

talk

to

my

daughter

PROF

BRAND:(ON

RECORDING)

Stepping

out

into

the

universe

we

must

confront

the

reality

of

interstellar

travel

We

must

reach

far

beyond

our

own

lifespans

We

must

think

not

as

individuals

but

as

a

species

Do

not

go

gentle

into

that

good

night

COOPER:

TARS

kept

the

Endurance

right

where

we

needed

her

But

the

trip

took

years

longer

than

we

anticipated

We

no

longer

have

the

fuel

to

visit

both

prospects

so

we

have

to

choose

But

how

They're

both

promising

Edmunds'

data

is

better

but

Dr

Mann

is

the

one

still

transmitting

so

We've

no

reason

to

suspect

Edmunds's

data

would

have

soured

His

world

has

key

elements

to

sustain

human

life

 

As

does

Dr

Mann's

 

Cooper

this

is

my

field

And

I

really

believe

Edmunds'

is

the

better

prospect

 

Gargantua

that's

why

Look

at

Miller's

planet

Hydrocarbons

organics

yes

but

no

life

Sterile

We'll

find

the

same

thing

on

Mann's

Because

of

the

black

hole

Murphy's

Law

Whatever

can

happen

will

happen

Accident

is

the

first

building

block

of

evolution

But

when

you're

orbiting

a

black

hole

not

enough

can

happen

It

sucks

in

asteroids

and

comets

other

events

which

would

otherwise

reach

you

We

need

to

go

further

afield

You

once

said

that

Dr

Mann

was

the

best

of

us

He's

remarkable

We're

only

here

because

of

him

And

yet

Yet

here

he

is

He's

on

the

ground

and

he's

sending

a

very

unambiguous

message

telling

us

to

come

to

his

planet

Granted

but

Edmunds'

data

is

more

promising

We

should

vote

Well

if

we

vote

there's

something

you

should

know

Brand

He

has

a

right

to

know

That

has

nothing

to

do

with

it

 

 

She's

in

love

with

Wolf

Edmunds

ROMILLY:

Is

that

true

 

AMELIA:

And

that

makes

me

want

to

follow

my

heart

But

maybe

we've

spent

too

long

trying

to

figure

all

this

outwith

theory

You're

a

scientist

Brand

So

listen

to

me

when

I

say

that

love

isn't

something

we

invented

It's

observable

powerful

It

has

to

mean

something

Love

has

meaning

yes

Social

utility

social

bonding

child

rearing

We

love

people

who

have

died

Where's

the

social

utility

in

that

None

Maybe

it

means

something

more

something

we

can't

yet

understand

Maybe

it's

some

evidence

some

artifact

of

a

higher

dimension

that

we

can't

consciously

perceive

I'm

drawn

across

the

universe

to

someone

I

haven't

seen

in

a

decade

who

I

know

is

probably

dead

Love

is

the

one

thing

we're

capable

of

perceiving

that

transcends

dimensions

of

time

and

space

Maybe

we

should

trust

that

even

if

we

can't

understand

it

yet

All

right

Cooper

yes

the

tiniest

possibility

of

seeing

Wolf

again

excites

me

That

doesn't

mean

I'm

wrong

Honestly

Amelia

it

might

TARS

chart

a

course

for

Dr

Mann's

TOM:

We'll

lose

about

a

third

again

But

next

year

Next

year

I'm

gonna

work

Nelson's

farm

and

we'll

make

it

up

What

happened

to

Nelson

LOIS:

Murph

would

you

like

some

more

souffle'

Oh

no

I'm

full

thanks

It

was

delicious

Coop

finish

your

fritter

please

Will

you

spend

the

night

Your

room

is

exactly

as

you

left

it

It's

ready

I

need

to

get

back

LOIS:

My

sewing

machine

is

in

there

but

there's

plenty

I

need

to

Too

many

memories

We

might

have

something

for

that

Hey

Coop

(COUGHING)

The

dust

MURPH:

Lois

I

have

a

friend

who

could

look

at

his

lungs

(DISTANT

RUMBLING)

COOPER:

Amelia

I'm

sorry

 

AMELIA:

Unless

you're

punishing

me

for

screwing

up

on

Miller's

planet

No

this

wasn't

a

personal

decision

If

you're

wrong

you

will

have

a

very

personal

decision

to

make

Your

fuel

calculations

are

based

on

a

return

journey

Strike

out

on

Mann's

planet

and

we'll

have

to

decide

whether

to

return

home

or

push

on

to

Edmunds'

with

Plan

B

Starting

a

colony

could

save

us

from

extinction

You

might

have

to

decide

between

seeing

your

children

again

and

the

future

of

the

human

race

I

trust

you'll

be

as

objective

then

He's

been

asking

for

you

since

he

came

to

We

were

trying

to

reach

you

Murph

I'm

here

professor

I

let

you

all

down

No

you

got

us

so

far

Real

close

I'll

finish

what

you

started

PROF

BRAND:

Good

good

Murph

You

had

faith

all

those

all

those

years

I

I

asked

you

to

have

faith

I

wanted

you

to

believe

that

your

father

would

come

back

MURPH:

I

do

professor

Forgive

me

Murph

MURPH:

There's

nothing

to

forgive

PROF

BRAND:

 

I

lied

Murph

I

lied

to

you

There

was

no

need

for

him

to

To

come

back

There

is

no

way

to

help

us

But

Plan

A

All

this

All

these

people

And

the

equation

Did

my

father

know

Did

he

leave

me

PROF

BRAND:

Do

not

go

gentle

No

No

You

can't

leave

You

No

MURPH:

Dr

Brand

I'm

sorry

to

tell

you

that

your

father

died

today

He

had

no

pain

He

was

at

peace

I'm

very

sorry

for

your

loss

Brand

did

you

know

He

told

you

right

You

knew

This

was

all

a

sham

You

left

us

here

To

suffocate

To

starve

(ALARM

BEEPING)

COOPER:

Frozen

cloud

(GASPING)

(CRYING)

(SOFTLY)

It's

okay

It's

okay

It's

okay

Pray

you

never

learn

just

how

good

it

can

be

to

see

another

face

I

hadn't

a

lot

of

hope

to

begin

with

but

after

so

long

I

had

none

My

supplies

were

completely

exhausted

The

last

time

I

went

to

sleep

I

didn't

even

set

a

waking

date

You

have

literally

raised

me

from

the

dead

 

 

 

 

I'm

afraid

you're

it

sir

So

far

surely

No

our

present

situation

is

that

there's

very

little

chance

of

rescuing

any

others

AMELIA:

Dr

Mann

Dr

Mann

Tell

us

about

your

world

Our

world

we

hope

(SNIFFLES)

Our

world

uh

is

cold

stark

but

undeniably

beautiful

MANN:

The

days

are

hours

long

cold

The

nights

are

 

far

colder

hours

The

gravity

is

a

very

very

pleasant

 

percent

of

the

Earth's

Now

up

here

where

I

landed

the

water

is

alkali

and

the

air

has

too

much

ammonia

to

breathe

for

more

than

just

a

few

minutes

but

down

at

the

surface

and

there

is

a

surface

the

chlorine

dissipates

The

ammonia

gives

way

to

crystalline

hydrocarbons

and

breathable

air

To

organics

Possibly

even

to

life

We

might

be

sharing

this

world

These

readings

are

from

the

surface

Over

the

years

I've

dropped

various

probes

COOPER:

How

far

have

you

explored

 

I've

mounted

several

major

expeditions

But

with

oxygen

in

limited

supply

KIPP

there

really

did

most

of

the

legwork

TARS:

What

went

wrong

with

him

sir

MANN:

Degeneration

He

misidentified

the

first

organics

we

found

as

ammonia

crystals

We

struggled

on

for

a

time

but

ultimately

I

decommissioned

him

and

used

his

power

source

to

keep

the

mission

going

I

thought

I

was

alone

before

I

shut

him

down

Would

you

like

me

to

look

at

him

No

No

He

needs

a

human

touch

Dr

Brand

CASE

is

relaying

a

message

for

you

from

the

comm

station

Okay

Be

right

there

Excuse

me

Dr

Brand

I'm

sorry

to

tell

you

that

your

father

died

today

He

had

no

pain

He

was

at

peace

I'm

sorry

for

your

loss

AMELIA:

Is

that

Murph

She's

She's

grown

MURPH:

Brand

did

you

know

He

told

you

right

You

knew

This

was

all

a

sham

You

left

us

here

To

suffocate

To

starve

Did

my

father

know

too

(MURPH

SNIFFLES)

Dad

I

just

want

to

know

if

you

left

me

here

to

die

I

just

have

to

know

Cooper

my

My

father

dedicated

his

whole

life

to

Plan

A

I

have

no

idea

what

she's

talking

about

MANN:

I

do

He

never

even

hoped

to

get

the

people

off

the

Earth

No

But

he's

been

trying

to

solve

the

gravity

equation

for

years

Amelia

your

father

solved

his

equation

before

I

even

left

Then

why

wouldn't

he

use

it

The

equation

couldn't

reconcile

relativity

with

quantum

mechanics

You

need

more

More

More

what

MANN:

More

data

You

need

to

see

into

a

black

hole

The

laws

of

nature

prohibit

a

naked

singularity

Romilly

is

that

true

ROMILLY:

If

a

black

hole

is

an

oyster

then

the

singularity's

the

pearl

inside

The

gravity's

so

strong

it's

always

hidden

in

darkness

behind

the

horizon

That's

why

we

call

it

a

black

hole

Okay

but

if

we

see

beyond

the

horizon

We

can't

Coop

MANN:

There

are

some

things

that

aren't

meant

to

be

known

Your

father

had

to

find

another

way

to

save

the

human

race

from

extinction

Plan

B

A

colony

Why

not

tell

people

 

 

to

get

people

to

work

together

to

save

the

species

instead

of

themselves

Or

their

children

Bullshit

MANN:

You

never

would've

come

unless

you

believed

you

would

save

them

Evolution

has

yet

to

transcend

that

simple

barrier

We

can

care

deeply

selflessly

about

those

we

know

but

that

empathy

rarely

extends

beyond

our

line

of

sight

AMELIA:

But

the

lie

That

monstrous

lie

MANN:

Unforgivable

And

he

knew

that

He

was

prepared

to

destroy

his

own

humanity

in

order

to

save

the

species

 

 

COOPER:

An

incredible

sacrifice

is

being

made

by

the

people

on

Earth

who

are

gonna

die

Because

in

his

fucking

arrogance

he

declared

their

case

hopeless

MANN:

I'm

sorry

Cooper

their

case

is

hopeless

No

No

We

are

the

future

AMELIA:

Cooper

what

can

I

do

COOPER:

Let

me

go

home

GETTY:

You're

absolutely

positive

MURPH:

His

solution

was

correct

He'd

had

it

for

years

 

It's

worthless

 

It's

half

the

answer

Okay

how

do

you

find

the

other

half

Out

there

A

black

hole

 

 

I'm

not

sure

you

can

GETTY:

God

they

just

pack

up

and

leave

What

are

they

hoping

to

find

MURPH:

Survival

Damn

it

GETTY:

Murph

don't

Don't

people

have

a

right

to

know

Panic

won't

help

We

just

have

to

keep

working

same

as

ever

But

isn't

that

exactly

what

Professor

Brand

was

manipulating

us

to

do

Brand

gave

up

on

us

I'm

still

trying

to

solve

this

So

do

you

have

an

idea

A

feeling

I

told

you

about

my

ghost

My

dad

thought

I

called

it

a

ghost

because

I

was

scared

of

it

But

I

was

never

scared

of

it

I

called

it

a

ghost

because

it

felt

It

felt

like

a

person

It

was

trying

to

tell

me

something

If

there's

an

answer

here

on

Earth

it's

back

there

somehow

in

that

room

So

I

have

to

find

it

We're

running

out

of

time

CASE:

What

about

auxiliary

oxygen

scrubbers

COOPER:

No

they

can

stay

I'll

be

sleeping

anyway

 

Hey

Coop

 

I

have

a

suggestion

for

your

return

journey

 

Yeah

what's

that

 

I'm

going

home

Rom

Yeah

I

know

This

isn't

going

to

cost

you

any

time

There's

a

chance

for

the

people

on

Earth

 

 

Gargantua's

an

older

spinning

black

hole

 

It's

what

we

call

a

gentle

singularity

 

ROMILLY:

They're

hardly

gentle

But

the

tidal

gravity

is

so

quick

that

something

crossing

the

horizon

fast

might

survive

A

probe

say

 

 

So

what's

to

say

there

isn't

some

way

that

the

probe

can

glimpse

the

singularity

and

relay

the

quantum

data

If

he's

equipped

to

transmit

every

form

of

energy

that

can

pulse

TARS:

Just

when

did

this

probe

become

a

"He"

professor

TARS

is

the

obvious

candidate

I've

already

told

him

what

to

look

for

I'd

need

the

old

optical

transmitter

off

KIPP

Cooper

You'd

do

this

for

us

Before

you

get

all

teary

remember

that

as

a

robot

I

have

to

do

anything

you

say

Your

cue

light's

broken

I'm

not

joking

I'll

need

TARS

to

remove

and

adapt

some

components

from

KIPP

I

don't

want

to

disturb

his

archival

functions

I'll

supervise

All

right

Dr

Mann

we

need

to

find

three

secure

sites

One

for

Brand's

lab

two

for

habitat

Once

those

modules

have

landed

you

don't

want

to

move

them

I

can

take

you

to

the

probe

sites

but

I

don't

think

these

conditions

will

hold

I

think

we

should

wait

COOPER:

CASE

is

headed

down

with

the

rest

of

the

distillery

equipment

I'd

really

like

to

secure

those

sites

by

nightfall

Well

these

squalls

do

usually

blow

over

Okay

then

 

You'll

need

a

longrange

transmitter

 

 

 

Follow

me

TARS

hours

yeah

Roger

that

Cooper

MANN:

Brand

told

me

why

you

feel

you

have

to

go

back

But

I'd

be

remiss

if

I

didn't

at

least

mention

that

a

mission

such

as

ours

could

certainly

use

an

extra

engineer

You

better

slow

down

turbo

Safety

first

CASE

remember

CASE:

Safety

first

Cooper

COOPER:

I

have

to

tell

you

Dr

Mann

I'm

honored

to

be

a

part

of

this

But

once

we

set

up

base

camp

and

secure

those

modules

my

work's

done

here

I'm

going

home

(SPEAKING

INDISTINCTLY)

MANN:

You

have

attachments

But

even

without

a

family

I

can

promise

you

that

that

yearning

to

be

with

other

people

is

powerful

That

emotion

is

at

the

foundation

of

what

makes

us

human

It's

not

to

be

taken

lightly

(LOIS

COUGHING)

 

 

COOP:

Mom

lets

me

play

in

here

I

don't

touch

your

stuff

(WHIRRING)

MANN:

Just

take

this

gently

You

know

why

we

couldn't

just

send

machines

on

these

missions

don't

you

A

machine

doesn't

improvise

well

because

you

can't

program

a

fear

of

death

Our

survival

instinct

is

our

single

greatest

source

of

inspiration

Take

you

for

example

A

father

with

a

survival

instinct

that

extends

to

your

kids

What

does

research

tell

us

is

the

last

thing

you're

going

to

see

before

you

die

Your

children

Their

faces

At

the

moment

of

death

your

mind's

gonna

push

a

little

bit

harder

to

survive

For

them

Deep

breath

Uh

hey

I

bet

you're

Coop

Why

don't

you

have

a

seat

here

for

me

It's

bad

They

cannot

stay

here

 

 

ROMILLY:

TARS

what's

taking

so

long

TARS:

Professor

I

am

having

trouble

completing

the

boot

up

I

don't

understand

(COOPER

EXHALES)

COOPER:

It's

funny

When

I

left

Earth

I

thought

I

was

prepared

to

die

The

truth

is

l

never

really

considered

the

possibility

that

my

planet

wasn't

the

one

Nothing

worked

out

the

way

it

was

supposed

to

COOPER:

Let's

go

(YELLS)

All

right

buddy

give

me

a

big

deep

breath

What

is

this

 

 

I'm

sorry

I

can't

let

you

leave

with

that

ship

We're

gonna

need

it

to

complete

the

mission

once

the

others

realize

what

this

place

isn't

We

cannot

survive

here

I'm

sorry

I'm

sorry

(MANN

GRUNTING)

(MANN

YELLS)

MURPH:

They

can't

stay

here

anymore

GETTY:

You

have

to

leave

right

now

Let

me

make

something

abundantly

clear

You

have

a

responsibility

GETTY:

Oh

Jesus

TOM:

Coop

get

her

stuff

She's

going

home

Dad

didn't

raise

you

to

be

this

dumb

Tom

Dad

didn't

raise

me

Grandpa

did

And

he's

buried

out

back

with

Mom

and

Jesse

(PANTING)

You

faked

all

the

data

MANN:

Yeah

There's

no

surface

MANN:

No

I

tried

to

do

my

duty

Cooper

but

I

knew

the

day

that

I

arrived

here

that

this

place

had

nothing

And

I

resisted

the

temptation

for

years

but

I

knew

that

if

I

just

pressed

that

button

then

somebody

would

come

and

save

me

You

fucking

coward

Yes

Yes

Yes

Yes

(BOTH

GRUNTING)

MURPH:

Listen

if

you're

not

going

to

go

let

your

family

go

Just

save

your

family

And

we

go

live

underground

with

you

Pray

that

Daddy

comes

to

save

us

Dad's

not

coming

back

He

never

was

coming

back

It's

up

to

me

You're

gonna

save

everybody

 

Because

Dad

couldn't

do

it

 

Dad

didn't

even

try

TOM:

Dad

just

abandoned

us

He

left

us

here

to

die

Nobody's

going

with

you

You

gonna

wait

for

your

next

kid

to

die

(SOFTLY)

Get

out

And

don't

come

back

MURPH:

You

can

keep

my

stuff

(BOTH

GRUNTING)

Stop

it

No

No

COOPER:

Dr

Mann

there's

a

chance

you're

gonna

kill

yourself

MANN:

Those

are

the

best

odds

I've

had

in

years

(AIR

WHOOSHING

AND

COOPER

YELLING)

Don't

judge

me

Cooper

You

were

never

tested

like

I

was

Few

men

have

been

You

tried

your

best

Murph

You're

feeling

it

aren't

you

(COOPER

COUGHING)

The

survival

instinct

That's

what

drove

me

It's

what

drives

all

of

us

And

it's

what's

gonna

save

us

Because

I

want

to

save

all

of

us

For

you

Cooper

I'm

sorry

I

can't

watch

you

go

through

this

I'm

sorry

I

thought

I

could

but

I

can't

I'm

here

I'm

here

for

you

Just

listen

to

my

voice

Cooper

I'm

right

here

You're

not

alone

Do

you

see

your

children

It's

okay

They're

right

there

with

you

Did

Professor

Brand

tell

you

that

poem

before

you

left

Do

you

remember

MANN

(PANTING):

Do

not

go

gentle

into

that

good

night

Old

age

should

burn

and

rave

At

close

of

day

Rage

rage

against

the

dying

of

the

light

(COMM

CLICKS

OFF)

Brand

Help

 

Help

Cooper

AMELIA:

CASE

COOPER:

No

air

Ammonia

Cooper

Cooper

we're

coming

CASE

CASE:

I

have

a

fix

Go

Go

go

go

CASE:

And

away

Cooper

we're

coming

Hang

in

there

Don't

talk

Try

to

breathe

as

little

as

possible

We're

almost

there

TARS:

There's

a

security

lockout

sir

It

requires

a

person

to

access

function

It's

all

yours

sir

AMELIA:

Try

not

to

breathe

We're

coming

We're

coming

right

now

CASE

come

on

Come

on

We

got

to

go

faster

CASE

Faster

faster

faster

Hang

in

there

Come

on

I

see

him

I

see

him

CASE

bank

Bank

right

Cooper

Cooper

I'm

here

This

data

makes

no

sense

I'm

sorry

 

 

Mann

was

lying

Go

Go

Romilly

AMELIA:

Romilly

Romilly

Do

you

read

me

Romilly

TARS:

Step

back

professor

Step

back

(COMM

CLICKS

ON)

COOPER:

Romilly

AMELIA:

Romilly

do

you

read

me

Keep

watch

Lois

COOPER:

What

happened

to

caution

CASE

Safety

first

Cooper

Romilly

Romilly

do

you

read

me

This

is

Brand

AMELIA:

Romilly

CASE:

Dr

Brand

Cooper

There's

been

an

explosion

Dr

Mann's

compound

(WHIRRING)

TARS

TARS

o'clock

COOPER:

Let

me

know

when

TARS

is

aboard

TARS:

Romilly

did

not

survive

I

could

not

save

him

CASE:

TARS

is

in

 

I'll

take

her

now

 

CASE:

He's

pushing

into

orbit

If

he

takes

control

of

that

ship

we're

dead

 

He'd

maroon

us

 

I'll

meet

you

guys

downstairs

Go

wait

by

the

car

Come

on

Give

me

your

bag

Get

in

the

backseat

Get

in

the

backseat

now

COOPER:

Dr

Mann

please

respond

Dr

Mann

please

respond

CASE:

He

doesn't

know

the

Endurance

docking

procedure

 

CASE:

Not

since

TARS

disabled

it

Nice

 

What's

your

trust

setting

TARS

 

Lower

than

yours

apparently

COOPER"

Do

not

attempt

docking

I

repeat

do

not

attempt

docking

Please

res

(COMM

CLICKS

OFF)

COMPUTER:

Autodocking

sequence

withheld

 

 

Override

Unauthorized

COOPER:

Do

not

attempt

docking

I

repeat

do

not

attempt

docking

Please

resp

(GRUNTING)

Moving

slowly

toward

the

Endurance

(ALARM

BEEPING)

COMPUTER:

Imperfect

contact

 

Override

 

Hatch

lockout

 

CASE:

imperfectly

Dr

Mann

do

not

(ALARM

BEEPING)

(ALARM

STOPS)

COMPUTER:

Hatch

lockout

disengaged

Dr

Mann

do

not

I

repeat

do

not

open

the

hatch

I

repeat

do

not

open

the

hatch

If

you

open

the

hatch

the

airlock

will

depressurize

(ALARM

BEEPING)

 

CASE:

Nothing

good

Okay

pull

back

Retro

thrusters

everything

we've

got

CASE

CASE:

Thrusters

are

full

Back

Relay

my

transmission

to

the

onboard

computer

and

have

it

rebroadcast

as

emergency

PA

Dr

Mann

AMELIA:

I

repeat

do

not

open

the

inner

hatch

I

repeat

Brand

I

don't

know

what

he

said

to

you

but

I

am

taking

command

of

the

Endurance

And

then

we

can

talk

about

completing

the

mission

Dr

Mann

listen

to

me

This

is

not

about

my

life

Or

Cooper's

life

This

is

about

all

mankind

There

is

a

moment

It

is

not

sa

Oh

my

God

(CONTROLS

CLICKING)

CASE:

There's

no

point

using

fuel

to

chase

Analyze

the

Endurance's

spin

 

Cooper

what

are

you

doing

 

CASE:

Endurance

rotation

is

RPM

Okay

get

ready

to

match

our

spin

with

the

retro

thrusters

CASE:

It's

not

possible

COOPER:

No

it's

necessary

CASE:

Endurance

is

hitting

stratosphere

AMELIA:

She's

got

no

heat

shield

 

CASE

you

ready

 

CASE:

Cooper

This

is

no

time

for

caution

COOPER:

CASE

if

I

black

out

you

take

the

stick

TARS

get

ready

to

engage

the

docking

mechanism

CASE:

Endurance

is

starting

to

heat

Twenty

feet

out

TARS:

I

need

three

degrees

starboard

Cooper

Ten

feet

out

TARS:

Cooper

we

are

lined

up

Initiating

spin

(GROANING)

Come

on

TARS

Come

on

TARS

TARS:

We

are

locked

Cooper

 

Locked

Easing

up

Easy

Easy

Retro

thrusters

Main

engines

on

Pushing

out

of

orbit

Come

on

baby

Killing

main

engines

Okay

we're

out

of

orbit

(LAUGHING)

Okay

And

for

our

next

trick

CASE:

It'll

have

to

be

good

We're

heading

into

Gargantua's

pull

COOPER:

Oh

shit

 

CASE

take

the

stick

 

(PANTING)

(GRUNTING)

(PANTING)

(ALARMS

WAILING)

CASE:

Cooper

we're

slipping

towards

Gargantua

Shall

I

use

main

engines

No

We

got

to

let

her

slide

as

far

as

we

can

COOPER:

Give

it

to

me

TARS:

There's

good

news

there's

bad

news

Yeah

I've

heard

that

one

TARS

Give

it

to

me

straight

The

backup

generator

kicked

in

so

the

system's

stable

They're

all

good

Good

Okay

The

navigational

hub

has

been

completely

destroyed

We

don't

have

enough

life

support

to

make

it

back

to

Earth

but

we

can

scratch

our

way

to

Edmunds'

planet

AMELIA:

What

about

fuel

Not

enough

But

I

have

a

plan

COOPER:

We

let

Gargantua

pull

us

down

close

to

her

horizon

Then

a

powered

slingshot

around

launching

us

towards

Edmunds'

planet

AMELIA:

Manually

That's

what

I'm

here

for

I'm

gonna

take

us

just

inside

the

critical

orbit

AMELIA:

What

about

time

slippage

 

Neither

of

us

has

time

to

worry

about

relativity

right

now

Dr

Brand

I'm

sorry

Cooper

COOPER:

Once

we've

gathered

enough

speed

around

Gargantua

we

use

Lander

 

and

Ranger

as

rocket

boosters

to

push

us

out

of

the

black

hole's

gravity

The

Lender's

linkages

have

been

destroyed

so

we'll

have

to

control

manually

Once

Lander

is

spent

TARS

will

detach

TARS:

And

get

sucked

into

that

black

hole

AMELIA:

Why

does

TARS

have

to

detach

We

have

to

shed

the

weight

to

escape

the

gravity

TARS:

Newton's

third

law

The

only

way

humans

have

ever

figured

out

of

getting

somewhere

is

to

leave

something

behind

Cooper

you

can't

ask

TARS

to

do

this

for

us

He's

a

robot

So

you

don't

have

to

ask

him

to

do

anything

AMELIA:

Cooper

you

asshole

Sorry

you

broke

up

a

little

bit

there

TARS:

It's

what

we

intended

Dr

Brand

It's

our

only

chance

to

save

people

on

Earth

If

I

can

find

a

way

to

transmit

the

quantum

data

I'll

find

in

there

they

might

still

make

it

Let's

just

hope

there's

still

someone

there

to

save

(HULL

CREAKING)

CASE:

Maximum

velocity

achieved

Prepare

to

fire

escape

thrusters

Ready

Ready

TARS:

Ready

CASE:

Main

engine

ignition

in

three

two

one

Mark

Come

on

baby

CASE:

Lander

engines

on

my

mark

Three

two

one

Mark

Ranger

engines

on

my

mark

Three

two

one

 

 

Fire

This

little

maneuver's

gonna

cost

us

years

You

don't

sound

so

bad

for

pushing

 

(BOTH

WHOOP)

(ALARM

BEEPING)

CASE:

Lander

prepare

to

detach

on

my

mark

Three

two

one

Mark

TARS:

Detach

AMELIA:

Goodbye

TARS

TARS:

Goodbye

Dr

Brand

 

See

you

on

the

other

side

Coop

 

See

you

there

Slick

(ALARM

BEEPING)

Okay

CASE

 

Nice

reckless

flying

CASE:

Learned

from

the

master

 

Ranger

prepare

to

detach

 

AMELIA:

No

No

Cooper

What

are

you

doing

COOPER:

Newton's

third

law

You

got

to

leave

something

behind

You

told

me

we

had

enough

resources

for

both

of

us

COOPER:

We

agreed

Amelia

 

percent

Don't

Detach

COOPER:

Okay

I

am

nosing

down

Approaching

the

event

horizon

Portside

dipping

down

beneath

it

to

go

through

it

Heading

towards

blackness

(STATICKY)

I

have

a

visual

of

the

event

It's

all

black

TARS

do

you

read

me

It's

all

blackness

TARS

Do

you

read

me

Over

Okay

Screens

getting

interference

Losing

control

of

the

stick

I

got

flashes

Flashes

of

lightness

and

blackness

The

turbulence

in

the

gravity

is

increasing

Ah

The

computers

are

going

down

Agh

(ALARMS

BEEPING)

(GRUNTING)

Gravitational

pull

I'm

losing

control

of

the

stick

(YELLING)

GETTY:

Murph

Murph

come

on

COMPUTER:

Eject

Eject

Eject

Eject

Eject

Eject

(GRUNTING)

(SHIVERING)

(GASPING)

(YELLING)

(GRUNTING)

(GRUNTING)

Murph

Murph

Murph

Murph

Murphy

No

no

no

Murphy

Murphy

No

No

(YELLING)

If

you're

leaving

just

go

COOPER:

No

no

No

No

don't

go

Don't

go

you

idiot

Don't

go

Morse

Morse

Morse

Dot

Dot

S

T

A

Dash

Dash

Dash

GETTY:

Murph

Murph

we

don't

have

time

for

this

Come

on

(PANTING)

Y

Stay

Come

on

Come

on

Murph

Come

on

What's

it

say

What's

it

say

Murph

What's

it

say

Stay

COOPER:

Tell

him

Murph

Make

him

stay

Make

him

stay

Murph

Make

him

stay

Murph

Don't

let

me

leave

Murph

Don't

let

me

leave

Murph

(SOBBING)

NoNoNo

MURPH:

It

was

you

You

were

my

ghost

(STATIC

OVER

COMM)

TARS:

Cooper

Cooper

Come

in

Cooper

 

 

Roger

that

 

You

survived

 

Somewhere

in

their

fifth

dimension

They

saved

us

Yeah

Who

the

hell

is

"they"

And

just

why

would

they

want

to

help

us'

I

don't

know

but

they

constructed

this

threedimensional

space

inside

their

fivedimensional

reality

to

allow

you

to

understand

it

Yeah

that

ain't

working

Yes

it

is

You've

seen

that

time

is

represented

here

as

a

physical

dimension

You

have

worked

out

that

you

can

exert

a

force

across

spacetime

Gravity

to

send

a

message

Affirmative

Gravity

can

cross

the

dimensions

including

time

Apparently

Do

you

have

the

quantum

data

Roger

I

have

it

I

am

transmitting

it

on

all

wavelengths

but

nothing

is

getting

out

Cooper

I

can

do

this

I

can

do

this

But

such

complicated

data

to

a

child

Not

just

any

child

(SOFTLY)

What

else

Oh

come

on

Dad

Murph

the

fire's

out

Come

on

TARS:

Even

if

you

communicate

it

here

she

won

''

understand

its

significance

for

years

COOPER:

I

get

that

TARS

But

we've

got

to

figure

something

out

or

the

people

on

Earth

are

gonna

die

Think

Cooper

they

didn't

bring

us

here

to

change

the

past

Say

that

again

They

didn't

bring

us

hereto

change

the

past

No

they

didn't

bring

us

here

at

all

We

brought

ourselves

TARS

give

me

the

coordinates

for

NASA

in

binary

In

binary

Roger

Feeding

data

It's

not

a

ghost

It's

gravity

COOPER:

Don't

you

get

it

yet

TARS

I

brought

myself

here

We're

here

to

communicate

with

the

threedimensional

world

We're

the

bridge

I

thought

they

chose

me

 

But

they

didn't

choose

me

they

chose

her

TARS:

For

what

Cooper

To

save

the

world

All

of

this

is

one

little

girl's

bedroom

Every

moment

It's

infinitely

complex

They

have

access

to

infinite

time

and

space

but

they're

not

bound

by

anything

They

can't

find

a

specific

place

in

time

They

can't

communicate

That's

why

I'm

here

I'm

gonna

find

a

way

to

tell

Murph

just

like

I

found

this

moment

 

How

Cooper

 

Love

TARS

love

COOPER:

It's

just

like

Brand

said

My

connection

with

Murph

it

is

quantifiable

It's

the

key

What

are

we

here

to

do

Find

how

to

tell

her

The

watch

The

watch

That's

it

We

code

the

data

into

the

movement

of

the

second

hand

TARS

translate

the

data

into

Morse

and

feed

it

to

me

Translating

data

to

Morse

Cooper

what

if

she

never

came

back

for

it

She

Will

She

Will

MAN:

Murph

I

can

see

his

car

He's

coming

Murph

Okay

I'm

coming

down

TARS:

How

do

you

know

Because

I

gave

it

to

her

Roger

Morse

is

dotdotdashdot

Dotdot

dashdot

Dotdashdotdot

Dotdashdotdot

Dashdashdash

Dash

dash

dash

MURPH:

He

came

back

It

was

him

all

the

time

I

didn't

know

It

was

him

Dad's

gonna

save

us

Eureka

It's

traditional

(MURPH

LAUGHS)

Eureka

(PANTING)

Did

it

work

TARS:

I

think

it

might

have

How

do

you

know

Because

the

bulk

beings

are

closing

the

tesseract

Don't

you

get

it

yet

TARS

They're

not

"Beings"

They're

us

What

I've

been

doing

for

Murph

they're

doing

for

me

For

all

of

us

Cooper

people

couldn't

build

this

No

No

not

yet

But

one

day

Not

you

and

me

But

people

A

civilization

that's

evolved

past

the

four

dimensions

we

know

COOPER:

What

happens

now

(BIRDS

CHIRPING)

MAN:

Mr

Cooper

All

right

Let's

take

it

slow

sir

Nice

and

easy

Mr

Cooper

Remember

you're

no

spring

chicken

anymore

Actually

you

are

years

old

(CHEERING

OUTSIDE)

Take

it

slow

sir

You

were

uh

extremely

lucky

The

Rangers

found

you

with

only

minutes

left

in

your

oxygen

supply

(GLASS

SHATTERS

AND

KIDS

CHEER)

COOPER:

Where

am

I

Cooper

Station

Currently

orbiting

Saturn

Cooper

Station

Nice

of

you

to

name

it

after

me

(LAUGHS)

What

The

station

isn't

named

after

you

sir

It's

uh

named

after

your

daughter

Although

she's

always

maintained

just

how

important

you

were

Is

she

still

alive'

She'll

be

here

in

a

couple

weeks

She

is

far

too

old

to

be

transferring

from

another

station

but

when

she

heard

that

you'd

been

found

well

this

is

uh

Murphy

Cooper

we're

talking

about

Yes

it

is

We'll

have

you

checked

out

of

here

in

a

couple

days

I'm

sure

you'll

be

excited

to

see

what's

in

store

I

actually

uh

did

a

paper

on

you

in

high

school

I

know

all

about

your

life

back

on

Earth

Oh

yeah

Right

If

If

you'll

follow

me

we've

got

a

really

good

situation

for

you

So

uh

when

I

made

my

suggestion

to

Miss

Cooper

l

was

delighted

to

hear

that

she

thought

it

was

perfect

WOMAN

#

(ON

TV):

It

was

just

constant

Just

that

steady

blow

of

dirt

Of

course

I

didn't

speak

to

her

personally

MAN

#:

We

always

set

the

plate

upsidedown

Glasses

or

cups

whatever

it

was

upsidedown

Well

my

dad

was

a

farmer

Uh

like

everybody

else

back

then

There

just

wasn't

enough

food

WOMAN

#:

We

wore

little

things

little

strips

of

sheet

over

our

nose

and

mouth

so

we

wouldn't

breathe

so

much

of

it

Well

it

was

pretty

exciting

for

me

because

it

was

hope

MAN

#:

I

don't

care

who

describes

it

there

is

no

way

for

it

to

be

exaggerated

It

was

that

bad

MAN:

She

did

confirm

just

how

much

you

loved

farming

 

Oh

she

did

did

she

 

Come

here

Home

sweet

home

Everything

replaced

and

put

back

where

it

(INTERVIEWEES

CONTINUE

SPEAKING

IN

BACKGROUND)

 

Hey

is

this

 

Oh

yeah

The

machine

we

found

out

near

Saturn

when

we

found

you

Yes

Its

uh

power

source

was

shot

but

we

could

get

you

another

one

Yes

Please

TARS:

Settings

General

settings

Security

settings

Honesty

new

setting:

 

percent

Confirmed

Additional

customization

Humor:

 

percent

Confirmed

Auto

selfdestruct

Tminus

nine

Let's

make

that

percent

Sixty

percent

confirmed

 

 

You

want

 

Is

this

really

what

it

was

like

It

was

never

this

clean

Slick

Heh

I

don't

care

much

for

this

pretending

we're

back

where

we

started

I

want

to

know

where

we

are

Where

we're

going

 

Mr

Cooper

The

family's

all

in

there

 

Family

Yeah

they

all

came

out

to

see

her

She's

been

in

cryosleep

for

almost

two

years

(FAMILY

EXITS

ROOM)

You

told

them

I

like

farming

(BOTH

LAUGH)

COOPER:

It

was

me

Murph

I

was

your

ghost

MURPH:

I

know

People

didn't

believe

me

They

thought

that

I

was

doing

it

all

myself

But

I

knew

who

it

was

Nobody

believed

me

But

I

knew

you'd

come

back

COOPER:

How

MURPH:

Because

my

dad

promised

me

COOPER:

Well

I'm

here

now

Murph

I'm

here

MURPH:

No

No

parent

should

have

to

watch

their

own

child

die

I

have

my

kids

here

for

me

now

You

go

COOPER:

Where

MURPH:

Brand

MURPH:

She's

out

there

setting

up

camp

Alone

in

a

strange

galaxy

Maybe

right

now

she's

settling

in

for

the

long

nap

by

the

light

of

our

new

sun

in

our

new

home

 

 

 

 

Hey

Come

here

We

have

a

man

on

the

shore

I'm

on

my

way

He

was

hallucinating

but

he

mentioned

your

name

He

only

had

this

with

him

And

this

Are

you

here

to

kill

me

I

know

what

this

is

I've

seen

one

before

Many

many

years

ago

It

belonged

to

a

man

I

met

in

a

halfremembered

dream

A

man

possessed

of

some

radical

notions

What

is

the

most

resilient

parasite

Bacteria

A

virus

An

intestinal

worm

What

Mr

Cobb

is

trying

to

say

 

Resilient

Highly

contagious

Once

an

idea

has

taken

hold

of

the

brain

it's

almost

impossible

to

eradicate

An

idea

that

is

fully

formed

fully

understood

that

sticks

 

 

Yes

In

the

dream

state

your

conscious

defense

is

lowered

and

it

makes

your

thoughts

vulnerable

to

theft

It's

called

extraction

Sir

Saito

we

can

train

your

subconscious

to

defend

itself

from

even

 

 

Cause

I

am

the

most

skilled

extractor

I

know

how

to

search

your

mind

and

find

your

secrets

I

know

the

tricks

And

I

can

teach

them

to

you

so

even

when

you're

asleep

your

defense

is

never

down

Look

if

you

want

my

help

you're

gonna

have

to

be

completely

open

with

me

I

need

to

know

my

way

around

your

thoughts

better

than

your

wife

better

than

your

therapist

better

than

anyone

If

this

is

a

dream

and

you

have

a

safe

full

of

secrets

I

need

to

know

what's

in

that

safe

In

order

for

this

all

to

work

you

need

to

completely

let

me

in

Enjoy

your

evening

gentlemen

But

I'll

consider

your

proposal

He

knows

What's

going

on

up

there

Saito

knows

He's

playing

with

us

It

doesn't

matter

I

can

get

it

here

Trust

me

The

information

is

in

the

safe

He

looked

right

at

it

when

I

mentioned

"secrets"

What's

she

doing

here

Just

head

back

to

the

room

alright

I'll

take

care

of

this

Okay

make

sure

you

do

We're

here

to

work

If

I

jump

would

I

survive

A

clean

dive

perhaps

Mal

what

are

you

doing

here

I

thought

you

might

be

missing

me

You

know

that

I

am

But

I

can't

trust

you

anymore

So

what

Looks

like

Arthur's

taste

Actually

the

subject

is

partial

disposal

of

British

painters

Please

have

a

seat

Tell

me

Did

the

two

kids

miss

me

You

can't

imagine

 

 

Stay

where

you

are

Mal

Goddamn

it

 

 

Please

Now

the

envelope

Mr

Cobb

Did

she

tell

you

Have

you

known

all

along

That

you're

here

to

steal

from

me

or

that

we

are

actually

asleep

I

want

to

know

the

name

of

your

employer

There's

no

use

in

threatening

within

a

dream

right

Mal

 

That

depends

on

what

you're

threatening

Killing

him

will

just

wake

him

up

But

pain

Pain

is

in

the

mind

and

judging

by

the

decor

we're

in

your

mind

right

Arthur

 

What

are

you

doing

It's

too

soon

 

Just

try

to

keep

Saito

lie

a

little

bit

longer

We're

almost

there

This

place

The

paintings

Stop

him

Confidential

I

think

that's

gonna

work

Wake

him

up

You

awake

 

Give

him

the

kick

 

Drop

him

He's

up

You

came

prepared

hmm

Not

even

my

head

of

security

knows

this

apartment

How

did

you

find

it

It's

very

difficult

for

a

man

of

your

position

to

keep

a

love

nest

like

this

secret

particularly

when

there's

a

married

woman

involved

 

 

Yet

here

we

are

 

 

They're

getting

closer

 

 

Well

it's

not

true

You

left

out

a

key

piece

of

information

didn't

you

You

held

something

back

because

you

knew

what

we

were

up

to

Question

is

why

do

you

let

us

in

at

all

 

 

Doesn't

matter

You

failed

We

extracted

every

bit

of

information

you

had

in

there

But

your

dream

approach

is

obvious

So

 

leave

me

alone

You

don't

seem

to

understand

Mr

Saito

The

operation

that

hired

us

they

won't

accept

failure

We

won't

last

two

days

Cobb

Looks

like

I'm

gonna

have

to

do

this

a

little

more

simply

Tell

us

what

you

know

Tell

us

what

you

know

now

I've

always

hated

this

carpet

It

stain

and

fade

in

such

distinctive

ways

That

way

you

know

it's

made

of

wool

But

now

a

line

of

polyester

Which

means

I'm

not

lying

on

my

carpet

in

my

apartment

You

have

lived

after

your

reputation

Mr

Cobb

I'm

still

dreaming

 

 

We're

not

getting

paid

Dream

within

a

dream

huh

I'm

impressed

But

in

my

dream

you

play

by

my

rules

 

Yes

but

you

see

Mr

Saito

 

We're

not

in

your

dream

We're

in

mine

Asshole

How

did

you

mess

up

the

carpet

 

It

wasn't

my

fault

 

You're

the

architect

 

I

don't

know

he's

gonna

rub

his

damn

cheek

on

it

 

That's

enough

 

You

what

the

hell

is

all

that

 

I

didn't

see

it

under

control

We

don't

have

time

for

this

I'm

getting

off

at

Kyoto

Why

We

still

have

to

check

every

compartment

I

don't

like

trains

Listen

Every

man

for

himself

 

Yes

hello

 

Hi

daddy

Hi

dad

Hey

guys

hey

How

are

you

How

are

you

doing

huh

Good

 

Okay

I

guess

 

Okay

Who's

just

okay

Is

that

you

James

 

Yeah

when

are

you

coming

home

dad

Well

I

can't

sweetheart

I

can't

 

It's

not

for

a

while

remember

 

I

told

you

I'm

away

because

I'm

working

right

Grandma

says

you're

never

coming

back

Phillipa

is

that

you

Put

grandma

on

the

phone

for

me

will

you

She's

shaking

her

head

Let's

just

hope

she's

wrong

about

that

 

 

Yeah

James

 

Is

Mommy

with

you

James

we've

talked

about

this

Mommy's

not

here

anymore

Where

That's

enough

kids

Say

bye

bye

Listen

I

wanna

send

some

presents

with

grandpa

alright

And

you

be

good

you

be

 

Our

ride's

on

the

roof

 

 

 

Yeah

yeah

I'm

fine

 

 

Locked

down

in

a

dream

Mal

showing

up

Sorry

about

your

leg

it

won't

happen

again

It's

getting

worse

isn't

it

One

apology

is

all

you're

getting

huh

Arthur

 

Where's

Nash

 

 

He

hasn't

shown

You

wanna

wait

No

we're

supposed

to

go

over

Saito's

expansion

plans

in

Cobol

Engineering

two

hours

ago

By

now

they

know

we

failed

It's

time

we

disappear

 

 

I'll

cut

my

load

I

may

slip

out

a

job

when

things

quiet

down

 

 

States

sir

Send

my

regards

He

sold

the

art

Fell

off

the

company

and

bargained

for

his

life

So

I

offer

you

the

satisfaction

It's

not

the

way

I

deal

with

things

 

 

But

I

can't

speak

for

Cobol

Engineering

 

 

 

 

If

you

can

steal

an

idea

from

someone's

mind

why

can't

you

plant

one

idea

instead

Okay

here's

me

planting

an

idea

in

your

head

I

say

to

you

Don't

think

about

elephants

 

 

Right

But

it's

not

your

idea

because

you

know

I

gave

it

to

you

The

subject's

mind

can

always

trace

the

genesis

of

the

idea

 

True

inspiration's

impossible

to

fake

 

It's

not

true

 

 

Cause

I

can

find

my

own

way

to

square

things

with

Cobol

 

You

don't

need

to

have

a

choice

 

And

I

choose

to

leave

sir

Tell

the

crew

where

you

want

to

go

Hey

Mr

Cobb

How

would

you

like

to

go

home

To

America

 

 

 

Can't

fix

that

 

No

one

can

 

Cobb

come

on

How

complex

is

the

idea

 

 

when

you

need

to

plant

it

in

somebody

else's

mind

My

main

competitor

is

an

old

man

in

poor

health

His

son

will

soon

inherit

control

of

the

corporation

I

need

him

to

decide

to

break

up

his

father's

empire

 

Cobb

we

should

walk

away

from

this

 

If

I

were

to

do

thisIf

I

even

could

do

it

I

need

a

guarantee

How

do

I

know

you

can

deliver

You

don't

But

I

can

So

do

you

want

to

take

a

leap

of

faith

Or

become

an

old

man

filled

with

regrets

waiting

to

die

alone

Assemble

your

team

Mr

Cobb

And

choose

your

people

more

wisely

Look

I

know

how

much

you

wanna

go

home

 

But

this

can't

be

done

 

Yes

it

can

 

 

You

don't

know

that

I've

done

it

before

Who'd

you

do

it

to

Are

we

going

to

Paris

We're

gonna

need

a

new

architect

You

never

did

like

your

office

did

you

No

space

to

think

in

that

room

covered

Is

it

safe

for

you

to

be

here

Extradition

between

France

and

the

United

States

is

a

bureaucratic

nightmare

you

know

that

I

think

they

might

find

a

way

to

make

it

work

in

your

case

Look

Ibrought

this

for

you

to

give

to

the

kids

when

you

have

a

chance

It

will

take

more

than

the

occasional

stuffed

animal

to

convince

those

children

they

still

have

a

father

I'm

just

doing

what

I

know

 

I'm

doing

what

you

taught

me

 

No

you

taught

me

to

navigate

people's

minds

but

after

what

happened

They

wanna

hold

our

legitimate

ways

for

me

to

use

that

skill

What

are

you

doing

here

Dom

I

think

I

found

a

way

home

It's

a

job

for

some

very

very

powerful

people

People

who

I

believe

can

fix

my

charges

permanently

 

 

You're

here

to

corrupt

one

of

my

brightest

and

best

You

know

what

I'm

offering

You

have

to

let

them

decide

for

themselves

 

 

Not

just

money

You

remember

It's

the

chance

to

build

cathedrals

entire

cities

things

that

never

existed

Things

that

couldn't

exist

in

the

real

world

So

you

want

me

to

let

someone

else

follow

you

into

your

fantasy

They

don't

actually

come

in

to

the

dream

They

just

design

the

levels

and

teach

them

to

the

dreamers

That's

all

Design

it

yourself

Mal

won't

let

me

Come

back

to

reality

Dom

Please

Reality

Those

kids

your

grandchildren

they're

waiting

for

their

father

to

come

back

home

That's

their

reality

And

this

job

this

last

job

that's

how

I

get

there

I

would

not

be

standing

here

if

I

knew

any

other

way

I

need

an

architect

who's

as

good

as

I

was

I

got

somebody

better

Ariadne

I'd

like

you

to

meet

Mr

Cobb

 

 

Mr

Cobb

has

a

job

offer

he'd

like

to

discuss

with

you

 

 

 

 

You're

not

gonna

tell

me

anything

about

this

first

Before

I

describe

the

job

I

have

to

know

you

can

do

it

 

 

It's

not

strictly

speaking

legal

You

have

Two

minutes

to

design

a

maze

that

it

takes

one

minute

to

solve

Stop

Again

Stop

You

have

to

do

better

than

that

That's

more

like

it

They

say

we

only

use

a

fraction

of

our

brain's

true

potential

Now

that's

when

we're

awake

When

we're

asleep

the

mind

can

do

almost

anything

 

 

Well

imagine

you're

designing

a

building

right

You

consciously

create

each

aspect

But

sometimes

it

feels

like

it's

almost

creating

itself

If

you

know

what

I

mean

 

Yeah

yeah

Like

uhmm

discovering

 

Genuine

inspiration

right

Now

in

a

dream

our

mind

continuously

does

this

We

create

and

perceive

our

world

simultaneously

And

our

mind

does

this

so

well

that

we

don't

even

know

it's

happening

That

allows

us

to

get

right

into

the

middle

of

that

process

 

 

Now

this

is

where

I

need

you

You

create

the

world

of

the

dream

We

bring

the

subject

into

that

dream

And

they

feel

it's

their

subconscious

How

can

I

ever

acquire

enough

detail

to

make

them

think

that

it's

reality

Well

dreams

they

feel

real

while

we're

in

them

right

It's

only

when

we

wake

up

that

we

realize

something

was

actually

strange

Let

me

ask

you

a

question

You

never

really

remember

the

beginning

of

a

dream

do

you

You

always

wind

up

right

in

the

middle

of

what's

going

on

 

I

guess

yeah

 

 

Well

we

just

came

from

the

 

Think

about

it

Ariadne

How

did

you

get

here

Where

are

you

right

now

 

We're

dreaming

 

You're

actually

in

the

middle

of

the

workshop

right

now

sleeping

And

this

is

your

first

lesson

in

shared

dreaming

so

there

you

go

If

it's

just

a

dream

then

why

are

you

It's

never

just

a

dream

is

it

When

your

face

is

full

of

glass

feels

like

hell

When

you're

in

it

it

feels

real

It's

what

the

military

developed

Dream

sharing

it

was

a

training

program

for

soldiers

to

shoot

and

stab

and

strangle

each

other

and

then

wake

up

How

did

architects

think

they

belong

Well

someone

had

to

design

the

dreams

right

 

Why

don't

you

give

us

another

five

minutes

 

We

were

talking

for

like

at

least

an

hour

In

a

dream

your

mind

functions

more

quickly

therefore

time

seems

to

feel

more

slow

Five

minutes

in

the

world

gives

you

an

hour

in

the

dream

Why

don't

we

see

what

you

can

get

up

to

in

five

minutes

We

got

the

basic

layout

Bookstore

cafe

Almost

everything

else

is

here

to

 

 

 

 

Yes

Remember

you

are

the

dreamer

You

built

this

world

I

am

the

subject

my

mind

populates

it

You

can

literally

talk

to

my

subconscious

That's

one

of

the

ways

we

extract

information

from

a

subject

 

 

By

creating

something

secure

like

a

like

a

bank

vault

or

a

jail

The

mind

automatically

fills

it

with

information

it's

trying

to

protect

 

 

Well

I

guess

I

thought

that

the

dream

space

should

be

all

about

the

visual

but

it's

more

about

the

feel

of

it

My

question

is

what

happens

when

you

start

messing

with

the

physics

of

it

all

 

Something

isn't

it

 

Yes

it

is

Why

are

they

all

looking

at

me

Cause

my

subconscious

feels

that

someone

else

is

creating

this

world

The

more

you

change

things

the

quicker

the

projections

start

to

converge

them

 

 

They

attack

like

white

blood

cells

fighting

an

infection

 

 

This

is

great

but

I'm

telling

you

if

you

keep

changing

things

like

this

Jesus

Mind

telling

your

subconscious

to

take

it

easy

It's

my

subconscious

Remember

I

can't

control

it

Very

impressive

I

know

this

bridge

This

place

is

real

isn't

it

Yeah

I

cross

it

everyday

to

get

to

the

college

Never

recreate

places

from

your

memory

Always

imagine

new

places

Well

you

gotta

draft

from

stuff

you

know

right

Only

use

details

A

street

lamp

or

a

phone

booth

 

 

Because

building

a

dream

from

your

memory

is

the

easiest

way

to

lose

your

grasp

from

what's

real

and

what

is

a

dream

Is

that

what

happened

to

you

Listen

to

me

This

has

nothing

to

do

with

me

understand

Is

that

why

you

need

me

to

build

your

dreams

Get

off

of

her

Back

up

 

Back

up

 

Cobb

 

Get

off

me

 

Let

me

go

 

Don't

Mal

 

Cobb

 

Mal

 

Wake

me

up

 

Mal

 

Wake

me

up

 

Mal

No

No

 

Wake

me

up

Mal

no

Hey

hey

hey

look

at

me

You're

okay

 

You're

okay

 

Whywhy

wouldn't

I

wake

up

Cause

there

were

still

some

time

on

the

clock

and

you

can't

wake

up

within

a

dream

unless

you

die

 

 

 

A

totem

it's

a

small

personal

 

That's

some

subconscious

you

got

on

you

Cobb

 

She's

a

real

charmer

 

Oh

I

see

you

met

Mrs

Cobb

 

She's

his

wife

 

Yeah

So

a

totem

You

need

a

small

object

to

potentially

have

you

something

you

have

all

the

time

that

no

one

else

knows

 

 

This

is

a

loaded

die

I

can't

let

you

touch

it

That

would

defeat

the

purpose

Only

I

know

the

balance

and

the

weight

of

this

particular

loaded

die

That

way

when

you

look

at

your

totem

You

know

beyond

a

doubt

that

you're

not

in

someone

else's

dream

I

don't

know

if

you

can't

see

what's

going

on

or

if

you

just

don't

want

to

but

Cobb

has

some

serious

problems

that

he's

trying

to

bury

down

there

And

I'm

not

about

to

just

open

my

mind

to

someone

like

that

She'll

be

back

I've

never

seen

anyone

pick

it

up

that

quickly

before

Reality

is

not

gonna

be

enough

for

her

now

And

when

she

comes

back

If

she

comes

back

you're

gonna

have

her

building

mazes

 

 

Eames

No

he's

in

Mombasa

It's

Cobol's

backyard

 

It's

a

necessary

risk

 

We

don't

just

need

a

thief

We

need

a

forger

You

can

rub

them

together

all

you

want

but

they're

not

gonna

breed

 

You'll

never

know

 

You

might

 

Your

spelling

hasn't

improved

 

How's

your

handwriting

 

 

Thank

you

very

much

Inception

Now

before

you

bother

telling

me

it's

impossible

No

it's

perfectly

possible

It's

just

bloody

difficult

 

 

So

Arthur

keeps

telling

me

it

can't

be

done

Arthur

You

still

work

with

that

stick

and

mind

 

He's

good

at

what

he

does

right

 

Oh

he's

the

best

He

has

no

imagination

Not

like

you

Listen

if

you're

gonna

perform

inception

you

need

imagination

Let

me

ask

you

something

Have

you

done

it

before

We

tried

it

We

got

the

idea

in

place

But

it

didn't

take

 

You

didn't

plant

it

deep

enough

 

No

it's

not

just

about

depth

You

need

the

simplest

version

of

the

idea

in

order

for

it

to

grow

naturally

in

your

subjects

Mind

is

a

very

subtle

art

So

what

is

this

idea

that

you

need

to

plant

We

need

the

heir

of

a

major

corporation

to

dissolve

his

father's

empire

Well

you

see

right

there

you

have

various

political

motivations

and

antimanipulistic

sentiments

to

set

forth

And

with

all

that

stuff

it's

really

at

the

mercy

of

your

subject's

prejudice

And

what

you

have

to

do

is

start

with

the

absolute

basic

 

 

 

 

No

not

yet

Alright

well

there

is

a

man

here

Yusuf

He

formulate

his

own

versions

of

the

compounds

 

 

 

 

That

price

on

my

head

was

that

dead

or

alive

I

don't

remember

Let's

see

if

they

start

shooting

Run

interference

I'll

meet

you

downstairs

in

the

bar

in

say

in

half

an

hour

 

 

It's

the

last

place

they'd

suspect

Alright

Freddy

Freddy

Simmons

My

God

it's

you

isn't

it

 

 

No

it

isn't

You're

not

dreaming

now

are

you

Stay

out

No

cafe

One

cafe

Cafe

Care

for

a

lift

Mr

Cobb

 

 

Ah

so

this

is

your

idea

of

losing

your

tail

huh

Different

tail

Cobb

said

you'd

be

back

 

I

tried

not

to

come

but

 

But

there's

nothing

quite

like

it

It's

just

pure

creation

Shall

we

take

a

look

at

some

paradoxical

architecture

You're

gonna

have

to

master

a

few

tricks

if

you're

gonna

build

three

complete

dream

levels

 

 

In

a

dream

you

can

cheat

architecture

into

impossible

shapes

That

lets

you

create

closed

loops

Like

the

Penrose

Stairs

Infinite

staircase

See

Paradox

So

a

closed

loop

like

that

will

help

you

disguise

the

boundaries

of

the

dream

you

create

How

big

do

these

levels

have

to

be

It

could

be

anything

from

the

floor

of

a

building

to

an

entire

city

But

they

have

to

be

complicated

enough

that

we

can

hide

from

the

projection

 

 

Right

a

maze

 

 

 

before

the

projections

catch

us

 

My

subconscious

seems

quiet

enough

You

wait

till

it

turns

ugly

No

one

likes

to

feel

someone

else

is

messing

around

with

their

mind

Cobb

can't

build

anymore

can

he

I

don't

know

if

he

can't

but

he

won't

He

thinks

it's

safer

if

he

doesn't

know

the

layouts

 

 

He

won't

tell

me

But

I

think

it's

Mal

 

 

No

not

his

ex

 

They're

still

together

 

No

she's

She's

dead

What

you're

seeing

there

is

just

his

projection

of

her

 

 

She's

lovely

 

 

To

formulate

compounds

for

a

job

 

 

No

I

rarely

go

into

the

field

Mr

Cobb

We'd

need

you

there

to

tell

the

compounds

specific

to

our

needs

 

 

A

dream

within

a

dream

Two

levels

Three

Not

possible

That

many

dreams

within

dreams

is

too

unstable

 

 

Well

powerful

sedative

 

 

Six

The

only

way

to

know

you've

done

the

job

is

if

I

am

with

you

There's

no

room

for

tourists

on

a

job

like

this

Mr

Saito

This

time

it

seems

there

is

This

I

think

is

a

good

place

to

start

I

use

it

everyday

 

 

Yeah

I'll

show

you

 

 

Six

ten

twelve

All

connected

bloody

animal

They

come

everyday

to

share

the

dream

You

see

Very

stable

 

 

Three

four

hours

each

day

 

 

 

About

forty

hours

each

and

every

day

 

Tell

him

Mr

Cobb

After

a

while

it

becomes

the

only

way

you

can

dream

Do

you

still

dream

Mr

Cobb

 

 

They

come

to

be

woken

up

The

dream

has

become

their

reality

Who

are

you

to

say

otherwise

huh

Let's

see

what

you

can

do

You

know

how

to

find

me

You

know

what

you

have

to

do

Sharp

enough

Are

you

alright

Mr

Cobb

Yeah

yeah

I'm

just

fine

Robert

Fischer

heir

to

the

FischerMorrow

energy

conglomerate

What's

your

problem

with

this

Mr

Fischer

That's

not

your

concern

Mr

Saito

this

isn't

your

typical

corporate

espionage

You

asked

me

for

inception

I

do

hope

you

understand

the

gravity

of

that

request

The

seed

that

we

plant

in

this

man's

mind

will

grow

into

an

idea

This

idea

will

define

him

It

may

come

to

change

It

may

come

to

change

everything

about

him

We're

the

last

company

standing

between

them

and

total

energy

dominance

We

can

no

longer

compete

Soon

they'll

control

the

energy

supply

of

half

the

world

In

effect

they

become

a

new

superpower

The

world

needs

Robert

Fischer

to

change

his

mind

That's

where

we

come

in

How

is

Robert

Fischer's

relationship

with

his

father

Rumor

is

the

relationship

is

quite

complicated

But

we

can't

work

based

solely

on

rumor

can't

we

Can

you

get

me

access

to

this

man

here

Browning

Fischer

Sr's

right

hand

man

Fischer

Jr's

godfather

It

should

be

possible

If

you

can

get

the

right

references

References

are

something

of

a

specialty

for

me

Mr

Saito

I'm

not

smelling

settlement

here

Take

them

down

Mr

Browning

Maurice

Fischer's

policy

is

always

one

of

avoiding

litigation

Shall

we

voice

your

concerns

with

Maurice

directly

 

Not

sure

if

that's

necessary

 

No

no

no

I

think

we

should

How

is

he

I

don't

wanna

bother

him

unnecessarily

but

Robert

did

I

tell

you

to

keep

out

of

town

Wait

just

do

it

No

don't

speak

Mr

Fischer

Follow

through

Never

Never

gonna

send

what

I

asked

Leave

town

Terrible

Must

be

a

cherish

memory

of

his

I

put

it

beside

his

bed

He

hasn't

even

noticed

Robertwe

need

to

talk

about

the

power

of

attorney

 

 

Not

now

Uncle

Peter

but

it's

imperative

that

we

start

to

The

vultures

are

circling

The

sicker

Maurice

Fischer

becomes

the

more

powerful

Peter

Browning

becomes

I've

had

ample

opportunity

to

observe

Browning

adopt

his

physical

presence

study

his

mannerisms

and

so

on

and

so

forth

Now

in

the

first

layer

of

the

dream

I

can

impersonate

Browning

And

suggest

concepts

to

Fischer's

conscious

mind

Then

when

we

take

him

a

level

deeper

his

own

projection

of

Browning

should

should

feedback

right

back

to

him

 

 

That's

the

only

way

it

will

stick

He

has

to

see

himself

generate

it

Eames

I

am

impress

Your

confession

has

always

as

much

appreciated

Arthur

thank

you

Were

you

going

out

there

on

your

own

No

no

I

was

just

just

running

some

experiments

I

didn't

realize

anyone

was

here

So

 

Yeah

I

was

just

I

was

working

on

my

totem

actually

 

Here

let

me

take

a

look

So

you're

learning

huh

An

elegant

solution

for

keeping

track

of

reality

 

 

No

it

wasit's

Mal's

actually

This

This

one

was

hers

You

spin

it

in

a

dream

and

it

would

never

topple

Justspin

and

spin

 

 

Each

level

relates

to

the

part

of

the

subject's

subconscious

that

we

are

trying

to

access

So

making

the

bottom

level

hospitals

So

Fischer

will

bring

his

father

Actually

I

have

a

question

about

this

layout

No

no

no

Don't

show

me

specifics

Only

the

dreamer

should

know

the

layout

Why

is

that

so

important

In

case

one

of

us

brings

in

our

projections

we

don't

want

them

knowing

the

details

of

the

maze

You

mean

in

case

you

bring

Mal

in

 

Well

you

can't

keep

her

out

can

you

 

You

can't

build

because

if

you

know

the

maze

then

she

knows

it

Which

should

sabotage

the

whole

operation

 

Cobb

did

the

others

know

 

No

No

they

don't

You

gotta

warn

them

if

this

is

getting

worse

No

one

said

it's

getting

worse

I

need

to

get

home

That's

all

I

care

about

right

now

 

Why

can't

you

go

home

 

 

 

For

not

asking

whether

I

did

I'll

split

up

my

father's

empire

Now

this

is

obviously

an

idea

that

Robert

himself

will

choose

to

reject

That's

why

we

need

to

plant

it

deep

in

the

subconscious

Subconscious

is

motivated

by

emotion

right

Not

reason

We

need

to

find

a

way

to

translate

this

into

an

emotional

concept

How

do

you

translate

a

business

strategy

to

an

emotion

MAURICE

AND

ROBERT

TWO

GENERATIONS

OF

FISCHER

TWO

VERY

DIFFERENT

TYPES

OF

MANAGEMENT

That's

what

we're

here

to

figure

out

right

Now

Robert's

relationship

with

his

father

is

stressed

to

say

the

least

I

can't

remember

that

Because

suggesting

him

to

break

up

his

father's

company

is

a

"screw

you"

to

the

old

man

No

cause

I

think

positive

emotion

triumphs

negative

emotion

everytime

We're

all

hearing

for

a

reconciliation

A

catharsis

We

need

Robert

Fischer

to

have

a

positive

emotional

reaction

to

all

this

Alright

well

try

this

"My

father

accepts

that

I

want

to

create

for

myself

not

follow

in

his

footsteps"

That

might

work

Might

We're

gonna

need

to

do

a

little

better

than

might

Thank

you

for

your

contribution

Arthur

Forgive

me

for

wanting

a

little

specificity

Eames

 

 

When

we

get

inside

his

mind

we're

gonna

have

to

work

at

what

we

find

On

the

top

level

we

open

up

his

relationship

with

his

father

And

seed

I

will

not

follow

in

my

father's

footsteps

And

the

next

level

down

we

feed

him

with:

I

will

create

something

for

myself

By

the

time

we

hit

the

bottom

level

we

bring

out

the

big

guns

 

"My

father

doesn't

want

me

to

be

him"

 

With

three

layers

down

the

dreams

are

gonna

collapse

with

the

slightest

disturbance

Sedation

For

a

sleep

stable

enough

to

create

three

layers

of

dreaming

we

have

to

combine

with

an

extremely

powerful

sedative

Good

night

The

compound

that'll

be

used

to

share

the

dream

creates

a

very

clear

connection

between

dreamers

plus

actually

accelerating

brain

function

In

other

words

it

gives

us

more

time

on

each

level

Brain

function

in

the

dream

will

be

about

twenty

times

normal

When

you

enter

a

dream

within

that

dream

the

effect

is

compounded

 

It's

three

dreams

that's

hours

that's

twenty

 

I'm

sorry

math

is

never

my

strong

subject

 

 

It's

a

week

the

first

level

down

Six

months

the

second

level

and

the

third

level

Is

ten

years

Who

would

wanna

be

stuck

in

a

dream

for

ten

years

Depends

on

the

dream

So

once

we've

made

the

plants

how

do

we

get

out

I'm

hoping

you

have

something

more

elegant

in

mind

than

shooting

me

in

the

head

 

 

What's

a

kick

This

Ariadne

would

be

a

kick

It's

that

feeling

of

falling

you

get

the

jolts

you

awaken

snaps

you

out

of

the

dream

Are

we

gonna

feel

a

kick

with

this

kind

of

sedation

Oh

that's

the

clever

part

I've

customized

it

to

leave

any

ear

function

unimpaired

That

way

however

deep

the

sleep

the

sleeper

still

feels

falling

Or

tipping

The

trick

is

to

synchronize

a

kick

that

can

penetrate

all

three

levels

We

can

use

a

musical

content

to

synchronize

the

different

kicks

He

doesn't

have

any

surgery

scheduled

No

dental

nothing

Wasn't

he

suppose

to

have

a

knee

operation

Nothing

Nothing

that

will

put

him

under

for

any

REM

We

needWe

need

at

least

a

good

ten

hours

Sydney

to

Los

Angeles

One

of

the

longest

flights

in

the

world

He

makes

it

every

two

weeks

And

he

must

be

flying

private

Not

if

there

were

unexpected

maintenance

with

his

plane

 

But

that

should

be

a

 

 

Cause

in

a

the

pilot's

up

top

and

the

first

class

cabin

is

in

the

nose

So

no

one

would

walk

through

But

you'd

have

to

buy

out

the

entire

cabin

And

the

first

class

flight

I

bought

the

airline

It

seemed

little

Well

looks

like

we

have

our

ten

hours

Ariadne

Terrific

work

by

the

way

You

know

how

to

find

me

You

know

what

you

have

to

do

Do

you

remember

when

you

ask

me

to

marry

you

 

 

That

will

grow

old

together

And

we

can

You

shouldn't

be

here

I

just

want

to

see

what

kind

of

tests

you're

doing

here

alone

every

night

 

Whatever

it

was

it

has

nothing

to

do

with

you

 

 

You've

asked

me

to

share

dreams

with

you

 

 

 

It's

the

only

way

I

can

still

dream

 

 

In

my

dreams

we're

still

together

These

aren't

just

dreams

These

are

memories

and

you

said

never

to

use

memories

 

 

You're

trying

to

keep

her

alive

 

You

can't

let

her

go

 

You

don't

understand

These

are

moments

that

I

regret

and

memories

that

I

have

to

change

Oh

what's

down

there

that

you

regret

Listen

I

do

know

one

thing

that

you

need

to

understand

about

me

 

 

Mine

and

Mal's

yes

 

 

She's

already

died

That's

my

son

James

He's

digging

for

something

maybe

a

worm

That's

Phillipa

You

see

I

thought

about

calling

out

to

them

so

they'd

turn

and

smile

and

I

can

see

those

those

beautiful

faces

of

theirs

butit's

all

too

late

Right

now

or

never

Cobb

Then

I

start

to

panic

I

realized

I

don't

want

to

regret

this

moment

that

I

need

to

see

their

faces

one

last

time

James

Phillipa

Come

on

in

But

the

moment's

passed

And

whatever

I

do

I

can't

change

this

moment

So

I'm

about

to

call

out

to

them

and

run

away

If

I'm

ever

gonna

see

their

faces

again

I've

gotta

get

back

home

The

real

world

 

 

I

know

who

you

are

What

are

you

doing

here

 

I'm

just

trying

to

understand

 

Do

you

know

what

it

is

to

be

a

lover

 

 

I'll

tell

you

a

riddle

You're

waiting

for

a

train

A

train

that

will

take

you

far

away

You

know

where

you

hope

this

train

will

take

you

But

you

don't

know

for

sure

But

it

doesn't

matter

How

can

it

not

matter

to

you

where

the

train

will

take

you

Cause

we

will

be

together

 

How

could

you

bring

her

here

Dom

 

This

is

the

hotel

suite

where

we

should

spend

our

anniversary

What

happened

here

You

promised

You

promised

we'll

be

together

Please

I

need

you

stay

here

Just

for

now

You

said

we'll

be

together

You

said

we'll

grow

old

together

I'll

come

back

for

you

Promise

Do

you

think

you

can

just

build

a

prison

of

memories

to

lock

her

in

Do

you

really

think

that

that's

gonna

contain

her

It's

time

Maurice

Fischer

just

died

in

Sydney

 

 

Thursday

in

Los

Angeles

Robert

should

accompany

the

body

no

later

than

Tuesday

We

should

move

Right

 

Cobb

I'm

coming

with

you

 

I

promised

Miles

no

The

team

needs

someone

who

understands

what

you're

struggling

with

And

it

doesn't

have

to

be

me

But

then

you

have

to

show

Arthur

what

I

just

saw

Get

us

another

seat

on

the

plane

If

I

get

on

this

plane

and

you

don't

honor

our

agreement

When

we

land

I

go

to

jail

for

the

rest

of

my

life

Complete

the

job

on

board

I'll

make

one

phone

call

from

the

plane

You

will

have

no

trouble

getting

through

Immigration

 

Yes

it

is

 

Yes

 

 

 

I'm

sorry

 

Oh

yeah

I'm

sorry

my

bad

 

Welcome

aboard

sir

May

I

take

your

coat

 

FASTEN

SEAT

BELTS

NO

SMOKING

Excuse

me

I

think

this

is

yours

You

must've

dropped

it

 

Gentlemen

can

I

have

your

drink

 

Oh

water

please

The

same

please

Thank

you

You

know

I

couldn't

help

but

notice

but

you

won't

happen

to

be

related

to

The

Maurice

Fischer

would

you

 

Yes

hehe

was

my

father

 

 

I'm

sorry

for

your

loss

 

 

 

Hey

to

your

father

May

he

rest

in

peace

huh

You

couldn't

have

peed

before

you

went

on

there

Sorry

Pitching

much

free

champagne

before

take

off

right

Yusuf

Haha

Bloody

hard

Well

now

he's

gonna

be

looking

for

a

taxi

in

this

weather

 

Asshole

Hey

man

why

don't

you

try

 

Look

I

gotta

go

Alright

Taxi

Thank

you

Alright

Third

and

Market

Snappy

What

are

you

doing

 

Oh

sorry

I

thought

it

was

free

 

Well

it's

not

 

 

Can

you

pull

over

and

get

this

Great

Come

on

There's

$

in

there

and

the

wallet's

worth

more

than

that

So

you

might

as

well

drop

me

at

my

stop

I'm

afraid

that

this

Cover

him

No

No

No

What

was

going

on

This

wasn't

in

my

design

Cobb

Cobb

Get

him

 

 

Yeah

I'm

okay

I'm

okay

Fischer's

okay

Unless

he

gets

carsick

Saito

Get

Fischer

in

the

back

room

now

 

Get

him

the

back

room

 

 

 

I

don't

know

Jesus

Christ

 

 

Why

did

you

put

a

train

crossing

in

the

middle

of

a

downtown

interstate

 

I

didn't

 

Let

me

ask

you

a

question

Why

the

hell

were

you

ambushed

Those

were

not

normal

projections

They've

been

trained

for

God's

sakes

 

You're

right

 

Fischer

had

an

extractor

that

teaches

subconscious

to

defend

itself

So

his

subconscious

is

militarized

It

should've

shown

in

the

research

I'm

sorry

 

So

why

the

hell

didn't

it

 

Don't

tell

me

to

calm

down

This

was

your

job

goddamn

it

This

was

your

responsibility

You

were

meant

to

check

Fischer's

background

thoroughly

We

are

not

prepared

for

this

type

of

violence

We

have

dealt

with

selfsecurity

before

We'll

be

a

little

more

careful

and

we're

gonna

be

fine

This

was

not

a

part

of

the

plan

He's

dying

for

God's

sake

 

Now

let's

put

him

out

of

his

misery

 

No

no

 

Don't

do

that

 

What's

the

matter

Cobb

 

Don't

do

that

 

He's

in

agony

I'm

waking

him

up

 

No

it

won't

wake

him

up

 

What

do

you

mean

it

won't

wake

him

up

 

It

won't

wake

him

up

 

When

we

die

in

a

dream

we

wake

up

Not

from

this

We're

too

heavily

sedated

to

wake

up

that

way

 

Right

so

what

happens

when

we

die

 

 

 

 

 

Just

raw

infinite

subconscious

Nothing

is

down

there

Except

for

whatever

might

have

been

left

behind

by

anyone

sharing

the

dream

who

has

been

trapped

there

before

Which

in

our

case

this

is

you

How

long

can

we

be

stuck

there

I

can't

even

think

about

trying

to

escape

until

the

sedation

is

 

How

long

Yusuf

 

Decades

It

could

be

infinite

I

don't

know

Ask

him

he's

the

one

who's

been

there

Just

get

him

upstairs

Great

Thank

you

So

now

we're

trapped

in

Fischer's

mind

battling

his

own

private

army

and

if

we

get

killed

we'll

be

lost

in

limbo

till

our

brains

turn

to

scrambled

egg

hmm

You

got

first

aid

So

you

knew

about

this

risk

and

you

didn't

tell

us

There

weren't

meant

to

be

any

risk

cause

I

didn't

know

we'd

be

dealing

with

a

load

of

gunfire

 

 

 

And

you

you

knew

about

this

and

went

along

with

it

 

You

trusted

him

What

Did

he

promise

you

half

his

share

No

His

whole

share

It's

like

he

said

he'd

done

it

before

He'd

done

it

before

what

with

Mal

Cause

that

worked

so

good

It

has

nothing

to

do

with

it

I

did

what

I

had

to

do

to

get

back

to

my

children

So

you

lead

us

into

a

war

zone

with

no

way

out

There

is

a

way

out

Alright

we

continue

on

with

the

job

and

we

do

this

as

fast

as

possible

and

we

get

out

using

the

kick

Just

like

before

Forget

it

If

we

go

any

deeper

we'll

just

raise

the

stakes

I

am

sitting

this

one

out

on

this

level

boys

Fischer's

security

is

surrounding

this

place

as

we

speak

Ten

hours

of

flight

time

is

a

week

at

this

level

That

means

each

and

every

one

of

us

will

be

killed

That

I

can

guarantee

We

have

no

other

choice

but

to

continue

on

and

do

it

as

fast

as

possible

Downwards

is

the

only

way

forward

Get

ready

You

come

on

let's

go

shake

him

up

I'm

insured

against

kidnapping

for

up

to

ten

million

 

 

Shut

up

It

won't

be

In

your

father's

office

below

the

bookshelf

is

his

personal

safe

 

 

I

don't

know

any

safe

It

doesn't

mean

you

don't

know

the

combination

 

 

I

don't

know

We

have

an

old

good

authority

you

do

know

Yeah

Who

is

this

authority

$

this

cost

 

What's

inside

 

Cash

cards

ID

and

this

 

 

 

You're

on

We've

got

an

hour

 

I

was

supposed

to

have

all

night

to

practice

Saito

wasn't

supposed

to

be

shot

in

the

chest

We

got

one

hour

now

get

use

something

useful

please

 

What's

that

 

Uncle

Peter

No

no

 

 

 

I

don't

know

it

 

I

don't

know

Just

let

me

talk

to

him

and

I'll

find

out

You

have

one

hour

Start

talking

Are

you

alright

Are

you

okay

Those

bastards

bad

at

me

for

two

days

They

have

someone

with

access

to

your

father's

office

and

they're

trying

to

open

his

safe

 

 

They

said

I'd

know

the

combination

But

I

don't

know

it

 

Yeah

neither

do

I

 

Maurice

told

me

that

when

he

past

you

were

the

only

to

be

able

to

open

it

No

he

never

gave

me

any

combination

Maybe

he

did

I

mean

maybe

you

just

didn't

know

it

was

a

combination

Well

what

then

I

don't

know

Some

meaningful

combination

of

numbers

based

on

your

experiences

with

Maurice

We

didn't

have

very

many

meaningful

experiences

together

Perhaps

after

your

mother

died

After

my

mother

died

you

know

what

he

told

me

 

"Robert

there's

really

nothing

to

be

said"

 

Oh

well

he

was

bad

with

emotion

I

was

eleven

Uncle

Peter

 

 

He's

in

a

lot

of

pain

When

we

get

down

to

the

lower

levels

the

pain

will

be

less

intense

 

 

When

he

wakes

up

his

mind

is

completely

gone

 

Cobb

I

will

still

honor

the

arrangement

 

I

appreciate

that

Saito

But

when

you

wake

up

you

won't

even

remember

that

we

had

an

arrangement

Limbo

is

gonna

become

your

reality

You're

gonna

be

lost

down

there

so

long

that

you're

gonna

become

an

old

man

 

 

No

I'll

come

back

And

we

will

be

alive

together

again

Breath

These

people

are

gonna

kill

us

if

we

don't

give

them

the

combination

 

 

They're

gonna

whack

us

in

that

van

and

then

drive

it

into

the

river

 

 

Maurice

always

said

it

was

his

most

precious

gift

to

you

A

will

Maurice's

Will

is

with

Port

and

Dunn

That's

an

alternate

This

would

supercede

the

other

if

you

wanted

to

It

splits

off

the

component

business

of

FischerMorrow

And

it'd

be

the

end

of

the

entire

empire

as

we

know

it

Destroy

my

whole

inheritance

Why

would

he

suggest

that

you

think

I

just

don't

know

He

loved

you

Robert

 

 

At

the

end

he

called

me

into

his

deathbed

And

he

could

barely

speak

But

he

took

the

trouble

to

tell

me

one

last

thing

He

pulled

me

closer

And

I

could

only

make

out

one

word

Disappointed

When

were

you

in

limbo

You

might

have

the

rest

of

the

team

convinced

to

carry

on

with

this

job

but

they

don't

know

the

truth

Truth

What

truth

The

truth

that

at

any

minute

you

might

bring

a

freight

train

through

the

wall

The

truth

that

Mal

is

bursting

through

your

subconscious

And

the

truth

that

as

we

go

deeper

into

Fischer

we're

also

going

deeper

into

you

And

II'm

not

sure

we're

gonna

like

what

we

find

We

were

working

together

We

were

exploring

the

concept

of

a

dream

within

a

dream

I

kept

pushing

things

I

wanted

to

go

deeper

and

deeper

I

wanted

to

go

further

I

just

didn't

understand

the

concept

that

hours

could

turn

into

years

down

there

That

we

could

get

trapped

so

deep

That

when

we

when

wind

up

on

the

shore

of

our

subconscious

we

lost

side

of

what

was

real

We

created

We

built

a

world

for

ourselves

We

did

that

for

years

We

built

our

own

world

 

 

Jesus

How

could

you

stand

it

It

wasn't

so

bad

at

first

Feeling

like

gods

The

problem

was

that

I

knew

that

none

of

that

was

real

Eventually

it

has

became

impossible

for

me

to

live

like

that

And

what

about

for

her

She

has

locked

something

away

Something

deep

inside

her

The

truth

that

she

once

known

She

chose

to

forget

Limbo

became

her

reality

What

happened

when

you

woke

up

Well

to

wake

up

from

that

after

after

years

after

decades

to

become

old

souls

thrown

back

into

youth

like

that

I

knew

something

was

wrong

with

her

She

just

wouldn't

admit

it

Eventually

she

told

me

the

truth

She

was

possessed

by

an

idea

This

one

very

simple

idea

that

changed

everything

That

our

world

wasn't

real

That

she

needed

to

wake

up

to

come

back

to

reality

that

in

order

to

get

back

home

We

had

to

kill

ourselves

 

 

That

our

real

children

are

waiting

for

us

out

there

somewhere

 

Look

Cobb

I'm

their

mother

 

Can't

you

even

tell

the

difference

If

this

is

my

dream

why

can't

I

control

this

Because

you

don't

know

you're

dreaming

She

was

certain

there

was

nothing

I

could

do

no

matter

how

much

I

begged

no

matter

how

much

I

pleaded

She

wanted

to

do

it

But

she

could

not

do

it

alone

She

loved

me

too

much

so

She

came

up

with

a

plan

on

our

anniversary

 

Sweetheart

what

are

you

doing

 

Just

step

back

inside

alright

Just

step

back

inside

now

come

on

 

No

I'm

going

to

jump

and

you're

coming

with

me

 

No

I'm

not

But

now

you

listen

to

me

If

you

jump

you're

not

gonna

wake

up

remember

You're

gonna

die

Now

just

step

back

inside

come

on

Step

back

inside

so

we

can

talk

about

this

We've

talked

enough

 

 

Come

out

unto

the

ledge

or

I'll

jump

right

now

Okay

We're

gonna

talk

about

this

Alright

 

I'm

asking

you

to

take

a

leap

of

faith

 

No

honey

I

can't

You

know

I

can't

do

that

Take

a

second

and

think

about

our

children

Think

about

James

Think

about

Phillipa

now

If

I

go

without

you

they'll

take

them

away

anyway

What

does

that

mean

I

filed

a

letter

with

our

attorney

explaining

how

I'm

fearful

for

my

safety

How

you

threatened

to

kill

me

 

 

I

love

you

Dom

Why

did

youwhy

why

would

you

do

this

to

me

I've

freed

you

from

the

guilt

of

choosing

to

leave

them

We're

going

home

To

our

real

children

No

no

no

no

Mal

You

listen

to

me

Alright

Mal

look

at

me

please

You're

waiting

for

a

train

 

Malgoddamn

it

Don't

do

this

 

 

James

and

Phillipa

are

waiting

for

you

 

 

They're

waiting

for

us

 

But

you

can't

know

for

sure

 

Mal

look

at

me

 

But

it

doesn't

matter

 

Mal

goddamn

it

 

Sweetheart

look

at

me

Mal

no

Jesus

Christ

She

had

herself

declared

sane

by

three

different

psychiatrists

That

made

it

impossible

for

me

to

try

to

explain

the

nature

of

her

madness

So

I

ran

Right

now

or

never

Cobb

Alright

let's

go

I

left

my

children

behind

and

I've

been

trying

to

buy

myself

back

ever

since

Your

guilt

defines

her

It's

what

powers

her

But

you

are

not

responsible

for

the

idea

that

destroyed

her

And

if

we

are

gonna

succeed

in

this

you

have

to

forgive

yourself

You're

gonna

have

to

confront

her

But

you

don't

have

to

do

that

alone

 

No

no

you

don't

 

I'm

doing

it

for

the

others

Because

they

have

no

idea

of

the

risk

they've

taken

coming

down

here

with

you

We

have

to

move

 

Time's

up

 

Alright

I

don't

know

any

combination

 

 

How

about

instinctively

huh

I

got

somebody

standing

in

front

of

his

office

right

now

ready

to

tap

in

the

combination

I

need

the

first

six

numbers

that

come

to

your

head

right

now

 

 

Right

now

 

I

said

right

now

Right

now

 

 

You'd

have

to

do

better

than

that

Alright

Gag

him

We're

going

for

a

ride

What

more

do

you

like

To

kill

me

What

did

you

get

That

boy's

relationship

with

his

father

is

even

worse

than

we

imagined

This

helps

us

how

The

stronger

the

issues

the

more

powerful

the

catharsis

How

are

you

gonna

reconcile

then

pursue

his

strengths

 

Well

I'm

working

on

that

don't

I

 

Projections

are

closing

in

quick

We

gotta

break

out

of

here

before

we're

totally

boxed

in

Damn

it

You

mustn't

be

afraid

to

dream

a

little

bigger

darling

Now

we

need

to

shift

his

animosity

from

his

father

to

his

godfather

We're

gonna

destroy

his

one

positive

relationship

No

we'll

repair

his

relationship

with

his

father

by

exposing

his

godfather's

true

nature

We

should

thrice

Fischer's

loot

more

than

Saito's

mission

What

about

his

security

It's

gonna

get

worse

as

we

go

deeper

 

No

I

think

we're

going

with

Mr

Charles

 

 

Who's

Mr

Charles

 

The

second

we

get

into

that

hotel

and

approach

Fischer

his

security

will

be

all

over

us

We

run

with

Mr

Charles

like

we

did

on

this

timed

job

 

So

you've

done

it

before

 

Yeah

and

it

didn't

worked

The

subject

realized

that

he

was

dreaming

and

his

subconscious

tore

us

to

pieces

Excellent

But

you've

learned

a

lot

right

I

need

some

kind

of

distraction

No

problem

How

about

a

lovely

lady

that

I've

used

before

 

Listen

to

me

You

drive

carefully

alright

 

getting

down

there

is

gonna

be

unstable

as

hell

Don't

jump

too

soon

We

only

have

one

shot

at

that

kick

you're

gonna

make

I'll

play

the

music

and

you'll

know

it's

coming

the

rest

is

on

you

 

 

Ready

Sweet

dreams

Am

I

boring

you

I

was

telling

you

my

story

I

guess

it

wasn't

to

your

liking

I

have

a

lot

in

my

mind

There

goes

Mr

Charles

Mr

Fischer

right

Pleasure

to

see

you

again

Rod

Green

from

marketing

 

 

In

case

you

get

bored

She

must

have

blown

you

off

That

is

unless

her

phone

number

really

is

only

six

digits

 

Funny

way

to

make

friends

someone

stealing

their

wallet

like

that

Goddamn

it

The

wallet

alone

is

worth

at

least

$

right

Listen

don't

worry

about

it

My

people

are

already

on

it

as

we

speak

Who

or

what

is

Mr

Charles

It's

a

gambit

designed

to

turn

Fischer

against

his

own

subconscious

And

why

don't

you

approve

Cause

it

involves

telling

the

mark

that

he's

dreaming`

which

involves

attracting

a

lot

of

attention

to

us

So

Cobb

said

he

couldn't

do

that

So

now

you've

noticed

how

much

time

Cobb

spends

doing

things

he

says

never

to

do

Mr

Saito

may

I

have

a

moment

 

I'm

sorry

but

 

Wait

 

You

looked

to

be

"livelier"

 

Very

amusing

Mr

Eames

Turbulence

on

the

plane

No

I

mean

it's

must

closer

It's

Yusuf's

driving

 

I'm

sorry

who

did

you

say

you

were

 

That's

not

true

at

all

is

it

My

name

is

Mr

Charles

You

remember

me

don't

you

I'm

the

head

of

your

security

down

here

Get

out

on

a

different

floor

and

keep

moving

Dump

the

wallet

The

security

will

look

for

that

 

 

Security

huh

 

 

No

no

I

specialize

in

a

very

specific

type

of

security

Subconscious

security

Are

you

talking

about

dreams

Are

you

talking

about

extraction

I

am

here

to

protect

you

Look

Excellent

work

Now

what

is

your

plan

Mr

Fischer

I

am

here

to

protect

you

in

the

event

that

someone

tries

to

access

your

mind

through

your

dreams

You're

not

safe

here

They're

coming

for

you

Strange

weather

isn't

it

You

feel

that

What's

happening

Cobb

is

drawing

Fischer's

attention

to

the

strangeness

of

the

dream

which

is

making

his

subconscious

look

for

the

dreamer

For

me

Quick

give

me

a

kiss

They're

still

looking

at

us

 

Yeah

it's

worth

a

shot

We

should

probably

get

out

of

here

Feel

that

You've

actually

been

trained

for

this

Mr

Fischer

Pay

attention

to

the

strangeness

of

the

weather

the

shifting

gravity

None

of

this

is

real

You're

in

a

dream

Now

the

easiest

for

you

to

test

yourself

is

to

try

to

remember

how

you

arrived

at

this

hotel

Can

you

do

that

See

I

don't

I

Breath

breath

Remember

your

training

Accept

the

fact

that

you're

in

a

dream

and

I'm

here

to

protect

you

Go

on

 

You're

not

real

 

No

no

I'm

a

projection

of

your

subconscious

I

was

sent

here

to

protect

you

in

the

event

that

extractors

try

to

pull

you

into

a

dream

And

I

believe

that's

what's

going

on

right

now

Mr

Fischer

Yeah

Okay

Okay

 

 

Right

away

follow

me

Stay

there

Jesus

Christ

What

are

you

doing

These

men

were

sent

here

to

abduct

you

alright

If

you

want

my

help

you

have

to

remain

calm

I

need

you

to

work

with

me

Mr

Fischer

If

this

is

a

dream

I

should

just

kill

myself

to

wake

up

right

I

wouldn't

do

that

if

I

were

you

Mr

Fischer

I

believe

they

have

you

sedated

and

if

you

pull

that

trigger

you

may

not

wake

up

You

may

go

into

a

further

dream

state

Now

you

know

what

I'm

talking

about

You

remember

the

training

Remember

what

I

said

to

you

Give

me

the

gun

This

room

should

be

directly

below

 

Yeah

Think

Mr

Fischer

think

what

do

you

remember

from

before

this

dream

There

wasthere

was

a

lot

of

gunfires

And

there'srain

Uncle

Peter

Oh

my

God

we've

been

kidnapped

Where

were

they

holding

you

 

 

You're

in

the

back

of

a

van

right

now

Keep

going

It

had

something

to

do

with

something

to

do

with

a

safe

God

why

is

it

so

hard

to

remember

It's

like

trying

to

remember

a

dream

after

you've

woken

up

Listen

it

takes

years

of

practice

You

and

Browning

has

been

pulled

into

this

dream

because

they're

trying

to

steal

something

from

your

mind

I

need

you

to

focus

and

try

and

remember

what

that

is

What

is

it

Mr

Fischer

Think

A

combination

They

demanded

the

first

numbers

to

pop

into

my

head

They're

trying

to

extract

the

number

from

your

subconscious

It

can

represent

anything

We're

in

a

hotel

right

now

We

should

try

hotel

rooms

What

was

the

number

Mr

Fischer

Try

and

remember

for

me

This

is

very

important

Five

Five

two

It

was

something

it

was

a

long

number

That's

good

enough

We

could

start

there

 

 

 

 

No

I

have

to

judge

it

for

myself

While

you're

all

asleep

in

 

I'll

wait

for

Yusuf's

kick

 

Well

how

will

you

know

 

And

then

when

the

van

hits

the

barrier

of

the

bridge

that

should

be

unmistakable

So

we

get

a

nice

synchronized

kick

If

it's

too

soon

we

won't

get

pulled

out

If

it's

too

late

I

won't

be

able

to

drop

us

Why

not

Cause

of

the

van

that

will

be

in

free

fall

Can't

drop

you

without

gravity

Right

They're

with

me

Go

on

 

 

Do

you

know

what

that

is

Mr

Fischer

 

Yeah

I

think

so

yeah

 

 

I'm

already

under

 

What

do

you

mean

A

dream

within

a

dream

Hey

I

see

you've

changed

I'm

sorry

Oh

I'm

sorry

I've

mistaken

you

for

a

friend

Good

looking

fella

I'm

sure

That's

Fischer's

projection

of

Browning

Let's

follow

him

and

see

how

he

behaves

 

 

if

Fischer

is

going

to

suspect

his

motives

the

way

we

wanted

to

 

 

Well

not

exactly

They

already

had

him

They

were

torturing

him

And

you

saw

them

torture

him

 

 

You're

trying

to

get

that

safe

open

So

you

get

the

alternate

will

FischerMorrow

has

been

my

entire

life

I

can't

let

you

destroy

it

I'm

not

gonna

throw

away

my

inheritance

Why

would

I

I

couldn't

let

you

rise

to

your

father's

last

taunt

 

 

The

will

Robert

that

will

That's

his

last

insult

A

challenge

for

you

to

build

something

for

yourself

by

telling

you

you're

not

worthy

of

his

accomplishments

What

that

he

was

disappointed

hmm

I'm

sorry

Buthe's

wrong

You

can

build

a

better

company

than

he

ever

did

Mr

Fischer

He's

lying

 

 

Trust

me

it's

what

I

do

He's

hiding

something

and

we

need

to

find

out

what

that

is

I

need

you

to

do

the

same

thing

to

him

that

he

was

going

to

do

to

you

We'll

enter

his

subconscious

and

find

out

what

he

doesn't

want

you

to

know

Alright

He's

out

Wait

whose

subconscious

are

we

going

into

exactly

We're

going

into

Fischer's

But

I

told

him

it

was

Browning's

so

he

can

be

a

part

of

our

team

He's

gonna

help

us

break

into

his

own

subconscious

That's

right

Security's

gonna

run

you

down

huh

And

I

will

lead

them

on

a

merry

chase

Just

be

back

here

for

the

kick

Go

to

sleep

Mr

Eames

Are

you

good

 

 

Yes

yes

I'mI'm

fine

I'm

ready

Cobb

Cobb

What's

down

there

Hopefully

the

truth

we

want

Fischer

to

learn

I

mean

what's

down

there

for

you

Did

you

see

that

Eames

this

is

your

dream

I

need

you

to

draw

the

security

away

from

the

complex

you

understand

 

 

Find

all

the

route

everything

could

be

compromised

 

 

No

you're

with

me

I

could

do

it

Alright

you'll

reach

on

the

route

into

the

complex

 

Fischer

you'll

be

going

with

him

 

 

 

Keep

this

alive

I'll

be

listening

in

the

whole

time

The

windows

on

that

upper

floor

are

big

enough

for

me

to

cover

you

from

that

south

tower

You

see

it

 

Yeah

You're

not

coming

in

 

about

your

father

you're

gonna

need

to

break

into

Browning's

mind

on

your

own

Come

Fischer

Sound

the

alarm

Sound

the

alarm

Move

Go

So

they're

shooting

me

I

hope

they're

ready

It's

too

soon

Cobb

do

you

hear

that

First

heard

it

about

twenty

minutes

ago

I

thought

it

was

the

wind

up

here

Yeah

I

hear

it

It's

music

 

 

Yusuf's

ten

seconds

for

the

jump

Which

gives

Arthur

three

minutes

Hey

 

 

Can

they

make

that

route

in

under

an

hour

They

still

have

to

climb

down

to

the

middle

terrace

Well

then

they

need

a

new

route

A

more

direct

route

It's

designed

as

a

labyrinth

There

must

be

access

where

we

can

cut

through

the

maze

right

Eames

Did

Eames

add

any

features

I

don't

think

I

should

tell

you

If

Mal

finds

out

We

don't

have

time

for

this

Did

he

add

any

He

added

an

air

duct

system

that

can

cut

through

the

maze

Good

Explain

it

to

them

 

 

Paradoxical

 

 

 

Cobb

did

we

miss

it

 

Yeah

we

missed

it

Couldn't

you

instead

just

have

dreamt

of

a

goddamn

beach

What

the

hell

do

we

do

now

We

finish

the

job

before

the

next

kick

 

 

If

wanna

make

a

call

please

hang

up

and

try

again

If

you

need

assistance

How

do

I

drop

you

without

gravity

Arthur

has

a

couple

of

minutes

we

have

about

twenty

Are

you

okay

Move

out

To

the

base

There's

something

wrong

They're

heading

your

way

like

they

know

something

Just

buy

us

some

more

time

alright

Come

on

On

my

way

That's

the

antechamber

it's

just

stronger

Was

it

stronger

if

it

have

any

windows

No

I

mean

it

wouldn't

be

very

strong

if

it

did

Let's

hope

Fischer

likes

what

he

finds

in

there

Are

those

projections

part

of

his

subconscious

Yes

Are

you

destroying

those

parts

of

his

mind

No

no

They're

just

projections

We're

here

You're

clear

but

hurry

There's

an

entire

army

headed

your

way

We're

in

 

There's

someone

else

in

there

 

Fischer

it's

a

trap

get

out

Come

on

A

little

lower

 

Cobb

No

she

is

not

real

 

She

is

just

a

projection

FischerFischer

is

real

Hello

Eames

Eames

Get

to

the

antechamber

now

 

 

I

couldn't

shoot

her

But

there's

no

use

in

reviving

him

his

mind's

already

trapped

down

there

It's

all

over

So

that's

it

Then

we

failed

We're

done

I'm

sorry

Well

it's

not

me

who's

gonna

get

back

to

my

family

is

it

It's

a

shame

I

really

want

to

know

what's

gonna

happen

in

there

 

 

Let's

set

the

charges

No

there's

still

another

way

We

just

have

to

follow

Fischer

down

there

We

don't

have

time

No

but

there

will

be

enough

time

down

there

And

we

will

find

him

Okay

as

soon

as

Arthur's

music

kicks

in

just

use

the

defibrillator

to

revive

him

We

can

give

him

his

own

kick

down

below

Look

you

get

him

in

there

As

soon

as

the

music

ends

you

blow

up

the

hospital

And

we

all

ride

the

kick

back

up

the

layers

That's

worth

a

shot

And

Saito

can

hold

the

guards

out

while

I

set

the

charges

Saito

will

never

make

it

will

he

Cobb

come

on

We've

got

to

try

Let's

go

Look

if

we're

not

that

fully

kicked

I

am

gonna

leave

in

vain

She's

right

She's

right

Can

I

trust

you

to

do

what's

gonna

happen

here

I

mean

Mal's

gonna

be

down

there

I

know

where

to

find

her

She'll

have

Fischer

How

do

you

know

She

wants

me

to

come

after

her

she

wants

me

back

down

there

with

her

Are

you

alright

 

 

This

is

where

she'll

be

Come

on

Saito

I

need

youI

need

you

to

take

care

of

Fischer

while

I

go

set

some

charges

okay

No

room

for

tourists

on

this

jobs

Don't

be

silly

You

built

all

these

This

is

incredible

We

built

for

years

We

started

in

on

the

memories

This

way

This

is

our

neighbourhood

The

place

is

from

my

past

That

was

our

first

apartment

and

we

moved

to

that

building

right

there

After

Mal

became

pregnant

that

became

our

home

You

reconstructed

all

of

these

from

memory

Like

I

told

you

we

have

lots

of

time

What

is

that

It's

the

house

Mal

grew

up

with

 

 

Come

on

We

both

wanted

to

live

in

a

house

but

we

love

this

type

of

building

In

the

real

world

we'd

have

to

choose

but

not

here

How

are

you

gonna

bring

Fischer

back

I'm

gonna

have

to

come

up

with

some

kind

of

a

kick

What

The

improvised

Listen

there's

something

you

should

know

about

me

About

inception

An

idea

is

like

a

virus

Resilient

Highly

contagious

The

smallest

seed

of

an

idea

can

grow

It

can

grown

to

define

or

destroy

you

The

smallest

idea

such

as:

Your

world

is

not

real

Simple

little

thought

that

changes

everything

So

certain

of

your

world

Of

what's

real

Do

you

think

he

is

Why

do

you

think

he's

as

lost

as

I

was

I

know

it's

real

Mal

No

creeping

doubts

Not

feeling

persecuted

Dom

Chased

around

the

globe

by

anonymous

corporations

and

police

forces

The

way

the

projections

persecute

the

dreamer

Admit

it

You

don't

believe

in

one

reality

anymore

So

choose

Choose

to

be

here

Choose

me

You

know

what

I

have

to

do

I

have

to

get

back

to

our

children

because

you

left

them

 

 

You're

wrong

 

 

You're

confused

Our

children

are

here

And

you'd

like

to

see

their

faces

again

wouldn't

you

Yes

but

I

want

to

see

them

up

above

Mal

Up

above

Listen

to

yourself

These

are

our

children

Watch

James

Phillipa

Don't

do

this

Mal

please

Those

aren't

my

children

You

keep

telling

yourself

that

but

you

don't

believe

it

 

No

I

know

it

 

What

if

you're

wrong

What

if

I'm

what's

real

You

keep

telling

yourself

what

you

know

But

what

do

you

believe

What

do

you

feel

Guilt

I

feel

guilt

Mal

And

no

matter

what

I

do

no

matter

how

hopeless

I

am

no

matter

how

confused

that

guilt

is

always

there

reminding

me

of

the

truth

What

truth

The

idea

that

caused

you

to

question

your

reality

came

from

me

You

planted

the

idea

in

my

mind

What

is

she

talking

about

The

reason

I

knew

inception

was

possible

was

because

I

did

it

to

her

first

 

 

We

were

lost

in

here

I

knew

we

needed

to

escape

but

she

wouldn't

accept

it

She

had

locked

something

away

something

deep

inside

The

truth

that

she

had

once

known

but

she

chose

to

forget

She

couldn't

break

free

So

I

decided

to

search

for

it

Going

deep

into

the

recess

of

her

mind

and

found

that

secret

place

I

broke

in

and

I

planted

an

idea

A

simple

idea

that

I

knew

would

change

everything

That

her

world

wasn't

real

That

death

was

the

only

escape

You're

waiting

for

a

train

A

train

that

will

take

you

far

away

You

know

where

you

hope

this

train

will

take

you

But

you

can't

know

for

sure

And

it

doesn't

matter

 

Now

tell

me

why

 

Because

we'll

be

together

And

I

never

knew

that

that

idea

would

grow

in

her

mind

like

a

cancer

that

even

after

she

woke

 

that

even

after

yo

came

back

to

reality

that

you

keep

to

believe

your

world

wasn't

real

That

death

was

the

only

escape

Mal

no

Jesus

 

You're

infecting

my

mind

 

You

betrayed

me

but

you

can

make

amends

You

can

still

keep

your

promise

We

can

still

be

together

right

here

In

the

world

we

built

together

Cobb

we

need

to

get

Fischer

You

can't

have

him

If

I

stay

here

will

you

let

him

go

What

are

you

talking

about

Fischer's

on

the

porch

 

Go

check

if

he's

alive

Ariadne

 

Cobb

you

can't

do

this

Go

check

if

he's

alive

right

now

Do

it

He's

here

and

it's

time

but

you

have

to

come

now

 

Take

Fischer

with

you

alright

 

You

can't

stay

here

to

be

with

her

I'm

not

Saito's

dead

by

now

that

means

he's

down

here

somewhere

That

means

I

have

to

find

him

I

can't

stay

with

her

anymore

because

she

doesn't

exist

I'm

the

only

thing

you

do

believe

in

anymore

I

wish

I

wish

more

than

anything

but

I

can't

imagine

you

with

all

your

complexity

All

your

perfection

All

your

imperfection

Are

you

alright

Look

at

you

You're

just

a

shade

You're

just

a

shade

of

my

real

wife

And

you

are

the

best

that

I

could

do

but

I'm

sorry

you're

just

not

good

enough

This

will

feel

real

 

 

No

no

no

Get

in

there

now

Go

go

go

Disappointed

Disappointed

I

know

Dad

I

know

you

were

disappointed

I

couldn't

be

you

No

no

no

I

was

disappointed

that

you

tried

to

be

like

me

Come

on

come

on

come

on

LAST

WILL

AND

TESTAMENT

Dad

That's

the

kick

Ariadne

You

have

to

go

now

Don't

lose

yourself

Find

Saito

and

bring

him

back

I

will

Do

you

remember

when

you

asked

me

to

marry

you

Yes

You

said

you

dreamt

that

we'll

grow

old

together

But

we

did

We

did

you

don't

remember

I'd

miss

you

more

than

I

can

bear

but

 

we

had

our

time

together

And

I

have

to

let

you

go

I

have

to

let

you

go

I'm

sorry

Robert

You

know

the

Will

means

that

dad

wanted

me

to

be

my

own

man

Not

just

to

live

for

him

That's

what

I'm

gonna

do

Uncle

Peter

What

happened

 

 

No

to

find

Saito

He'll

be

lost

No

he'll

be

alright

Are

you

going

to

kill

me

I'm

waiting

for

someone

Someone

from

a

halfremembered

dream

Cobb

Impossible

We

were

young

men

together

I'm

an

old

man

Filled

with

regret

Waiting

to

die

alone

huh

I've

come

back

for

you

To

remind

you

of

something

Something

you

once

knew

That

this

world

is

not

real

To

convince

me

to

honor

our

arrangement

To

take

a

leap

of

faith

yes

Come

back

so

we

can

be

young

man

together

again

Come

back

with

me

Come

back

Hot

towel

sir

We'll

landing

in

Los

Angeles

in

about

twenty

minutes

Do

you

need

immigration

forms

Thank

you

 

Hot

towel

sir

 

Do

you

need

immigration

forms

 

Welcome

home

Mr

Cobb

 

Thank

you

sir

Welcome

home

This

way

James

Phillipa

Look

who's

here

Hey

kids

how

are

you

 

Daddy

 

Look

what

I

built

Daddy

 

 

I

built

a

house

made

of

rocks

 

 

Come

I

want

you

to

see

it

Can

you

make

me

one

Come

on

Daddy

 

 

 

 

Long

ago

the

duke

of

Milan

commissioned

a

littleknown

artist

to

erect

a

mammoth

statue

of

a

horse

The

time

was

 

The

artist

was

Leonardo

da

Vinci

The

guy

on

the

donkey

is

just

a

guy

on

a

donkey

Anyway

they

called

this

statue

the

Sforza

and

it

was

gonna

be

the

largest

bronze

statue

ever

built

But

wouldn't

you

know

it

war

broke

out

and

bronze

became

scarce

So

da

Vinci

decided

to

create

a

machine

to

change

common

lead

into

bronze

But

when

da

Vinci

finally

turned

this

machine

on

it

was

to

give

him

something

more

than

he

expected

Something

much

more

than

bronze

Leonardo

che

pazzo

 

 

Exactly

years

later

an

artiste

of

a

different

field

The

one

of

cat

burglary

Was

getting

out

of

Sing

Sing

He

was

known

as

the

Hudson

Hawk

Got

a

coat

hat

Here's

your

personal

items

Here's

your

wallet

I

think

you'll

find

everything

in

there

Don't

you

want

your

receipt

Keep

it

Ready

I

got

it

Charlie

Eddie

Eddie

So

the

Hudson

Hawk

is

finally

getting

out

Remember

all

the

reporters

that

here

when

you

came

in

World's

greatest

cat

burglar

Now

who

gives

a

fuck

I

got

a

proposition

for

you

Answer's

no

Gates

Even

if

you

bathe

Listen

smartass

as

your

parole

officer

I

found

you

a

job

 

 

It's

a

terrific

job

An

auction

house

One

night's

work

and

you're

free

No

checking

in

with

a

shrink

No

more

community

service

But

I

want

to

do

community

service

I

want

to

teach

the

handicapped

how

to

yodel

I

ain't

stealing

no

more

Gates

Ten

years

later

you're

still

impressed

with

yourself

Same

old

coat

same

old

hat

You're

extinct

Hawk

Coming

from

you

that's

a

powerful

statement

Look

aren't

you

supposed

to

stop

me

from

committing

crimes

You

know

"Book

'em

Danno"

Give

a

hoot

don't

pollute

You

ain't

out

yet

wise

guy

I

can

set

you

up

and

send

you

back

any

time

I

want

It's

a

very

fine

line

between

excon

and

escaped

con

Hey

Gates

do

it

yourself

Hey

He's

got

my

keys

I'll

be

seeing

you

Hawk

Open

the

gate

 

See

you

around

Mike

 

Take

it

easy

Eddie

That's

the

first

thing

I

did:

Smooch

the

ground

and

taste

the

freedom

Sorry

I'm

late

Eddie

I

miss

anything

As

always

your

timing

is

impeccable

 

Where's

the

kiss

 

No

tongue

this

time

I

promise

What

 

 

Don't

say

it

Eddie

I'm

incredibly

sensitive

about

my

fucking

figure

My

next

word

was

gonna

be

consciousness

tubbo

You're

free

you

son

of

a

bitch

Now

that

you're

born

again

what

do

you

wanna

do

Statue

of

Liberty

Entertain

some

ladies

Broadway

tix

Seduce

some

women

Play

Nintendo

Bone

some

chicks

What's

Nintendo

Just

get

me

to

the

Five

Tone

Tommy

I

don't

get

a

cappuccino

soon

I'll

strangle

somebody

You

still

got

a

thing

for

those

unmasculine

European

coffees

 

 

Who's

your

buddy

The

man

knows

The

man

knows

So

Mr

Coffee

you

have

any

trouble

checking

out

Not

much

Gates

just

tried

to

blackmail

me

into

doing

a

job

That

doughnutholeeating

son

of

a

bitch

takeitintheearforabeer

rat

bastard

Had

the

perfect

amount

of

foam

Come

on

I'll

get

you

of

them

back

at

the

bar

An

auction

house

Gates

wants

you

to

rob

an

auction

house

Yes

an

auction

house

What

are

you

going

deaf

He's

your

parole

officer

for

Christ's

sake

And

look

I

am

not

going

deaf

Tommy

just

get

me

in

the

Five

Tone

Yeah

all

right

Going

deaf

Don't

make

fun

of

my

hearing

right

Tell

you

something

about

the

bar

You're

gonna

love

it

Five

Tone

Bar

and

Grill

At

least

I

know

there's

one

thing

that

will

never

cha

I

don't

know

how

to

tell

you

this

Eddie

Couple

of

brokers

stopped

in

for

Stoli

spritzers

one

night

Now

we're

a

nice

local

bar

that

none

of

the

locals

can

afford

I

read

about

these

people

in

Newsweek

Where's

all

the

regulars

 

Where's

Crazy

Jeff

Cava

 

 

Where's

Ed

Kranepool's

autograph

 

Gone

Eddie

Tommy

you

took

down

Captain

Bob's

steering

wheel

Eddie

Eddie

they're

all

gone

But

look

at

the

bright

side:

Half

this

joint

is

yours

Hey

Blackjack

Give

my

irritable

partner

a

cappuccino

I

gotta

go

be

a

boss

Give

me

a

Scotch

and

water

Thanks

 

Reindeer

goat

cheese

pizza

 

Yo

Thank

you

Jesus

Thank

you

Cute

shot

Antony

Cesar

Mario

Antony

Mario

I

didn't

know

the

circus

was

in

town

So

why

won't

you

do

the

auction

house

Well

call

me

superstitious

Cesar

I

don't

like

to

commit

a

crime

within

 

hours

of

getting

out

of

the

joint

It's

very

simple

There's

a

safe

on

the

seventh

floor

You

take

their

thingy

and

you

put

it

in

this

thingy

Directions

even

your

brother

could

understand

Yeah

directions

even

I

could

understand

Shut

up

Hawk

you're

the

best

You're

the

only

one

who

can

do

this

job

You

know

that

Don't

tell

me

a

lot

of

horse

shit

you

wanna

open

up

a

hardware

store

go

straight

and

sell

spatulas

You

know

Cesar

if

the

Mario

brothers

weren't

New

Jersey's

thirdlargest

crime

family

I'd

say

kiss

my

ass

But

considering

your

status

I

will

say

slurp

my

butt

 

 

Have

you

lovely

ladies

tried

our

house

wine

 

I

think

you'll

enjoy

 

Beat

it

Tommy

No

dinosaurs

allowed

Enough

You

don't

do

that

auction

house

job

I'm

gonna

put

you

on

trial

and

I

promise

you

my

friend

there

will

be

no

bailiff

You

understand

Get

him

out

of

here

#ЗНАЧ

 

Three

minutes

seconds

 

"Night

and

Day"

 

 

 

Five

minutes

seconds

Hit

the

Road

Jack

Tommy

where

are

my

needlenose

pliers

Check

the

bar

"Hit

the

Road

Jack"

Five

minutes

seconds

How

the

hell

could

you

take

this

down

man

Captain

Bob's

steering

wheel

Don't

you

remember

the

night

he

came

in

Nobody

could

figure

out

where

he

got

this

thing

Eddie

Eddie

Eddie

 

 

We

got

a

nasty

little

safe

on

the

seventh

floor

here

 

 

 

What's

the

mechanism

 

Last

time

I

went

to

bat

Simpson

only

made

a

 

So

it's

gonna

take

you

another

extra

seconds

to

seduce

it

 

I'm

not

worried

about

the

safe

Tommy

 

I

know

you're

not

worried

about

it

What

about

these

guards

We

know

any

of

these

guys

No

 

 

 

Well

what

about

the

video

surveillance

 

 

Oh

you

got

a

plan

 

Great

What

the

hell

am

I

doing

What

the

hell

am

I

doing

I'm

getting

ready

to

do

some

crime

Go

rob

some

fakakta

horse

with

you

All

right

Eddie

I

should

be

out

there

getting

myself

a

Daily

News

looking

in

the

"Want

Ads"

trying

to

get

a

job

selling

spatulas

We're

moving

too

fast

Eddie

You

see

I'm

putting

out

a

fire

with

kerosene

 

 

That's

five

seconds

My

record's

 

Is

this

funny

You

think

this

is

some

kind

of

fucking

joke

 

 

On

the

thumbcuffs

Not

counting

the

bitching

and

whining

I'll

be

nice

and

say

eight

You

know

they're

not

gonna

let

you

walk

away

from

this

job

kiddo

I

ain't

never

gonna

get

rehabilitated

this

way

Tommy

You

think

you

still

got

it

Eddie

Yeah

That's

what

I'm

afraid

of

 

"Mack

the

Knife"

 

Four

minutes

seconds

I

Only

Have

Eyes

for

You

Why

Tommy

I

didn't

know

you

cared

Three

minutes

seconds

#ЗНАЧ

 

"Xanadu"

#ЗНАЧ

 

Four

minutes

seconds

Starspangled

Banner

Whitney

Houston

Super

Bowl

XVI

I

 

 

Hi

Hank

 

Seven

minutes

seconds

 

You're

full

of

shit

 

 

How

come

I'm

not

out

trying

to

get

laid

tonight

Eddie

you're

bumming

my

high

Come

on

It's

show

time

Tommy

hold

on

Hold

on

a

minute

The

sign

here

says

no

horseplay

in

the

pool

area

This

isn't

horseplay

This

is

a

major

felony

Come

on

Grandpa

 

Hey

Tommy

 

Give

me

one

good

reason

why

we're

up

here

I

can

give

you

two:

Antony

Mario

and

Cesar

Mario

Well

you

don't

really

think

that

they're

gonna

Cut

off

our

balls

if

we

don't

do

the

job

I

see

 

 

What

 

 

Because

this

rope

only

holds

 

pounds

 

Eddie

stop

fooling

around

 

I'm

not

fooling

around

You

are

You're

fooling

around

 

 

All

right

all

right

 

 

I

wish

you'd

lay

off

the

pasta

What

are

you

doing

What

are

you

doing

Covering

our

tracks

We

leave

through

the

basement

Well

now

we

have

no

choice

do

we

 

 

Don't

worry

bonehead

I'm

wearing

my

girdle

Six

hundred

and

seventythree

Wongs

in

the

phone

book

That's

a

hell

of

a

lot

of

"Wong"

numbers

Look

up

"Chin"

That's

it

 

 

Just

checking

They

record

everything

video

surveillance

takes

in

Yes

I

can

see

that

master

thief

I

thought

you

said

something

about

a

plan

Oh

am

I

boring

you

smartass

Hey

Jerry

check

out

Big

Stan

Watch

this

Big

Stan

Now

watch

A

little

rewind

and

replay

and

the

guards

are

gonna

be

watching

a

rerun

and

they're

gonna

miss

out

on

tonight's

exciting

episode

 

 

Good

plan

junior

We

got

about

five

minutes

and

change

Five

thirtytwo

Swinging

on

a

Star

You

know

the

invented

something

while

you

were

inside

It's

called

a

watch

 

Hey

Tommy

 

One

two

One

two

three

 

Would

you

like

to

swing

on

a

star

 

 

Carry

moonbeams

home

in

a

jar

 

 

And

be

better

off

than

you

are

 

 

Or

would

you

rather

be

a

mule

 

 

A

mule

is

an

animal

with

long

funny

ears

 

 

He

kicks

up

at

anything

he

hears

 

 

His

back

is

brawny

and

his

brain

is

weak

 

 

He's

just

plain

stupid

with

a

stubborn

streak

 

 

And

by

the

way

if

you

hate

to

go

to

school

 

 

You

may

grow

up

to

be

a

mule

 

 

Oh

would

you

like

to

swing

on

a

star

 

 

Carry

moonbeams

home

in

a

jar

 

They're

all

back

on

 

And

be

better

off

than

you

are

 

 

Or

would

you

rather

be

a

fish

 

 

A

fish

is

an

animal

that

swims

in

a

brook

 

 

He

can't

write

his

name

or

read

a

book

 

 

To

fool

the

people

is

his

only

thought

 

 

And

though

he's

slippery

he

still

gets

caught

 

 

If

that

sort

of

life

is

what

you

wish

 

 

You

may

grow

up

to

be

a

fish

 

 

Oh

would

you

like

to

swing

on

a

star

 

 

Carry

moonbeams

home

in

a

jar

 

 

And

be

better

off

than

you

are

 

 

Or

would

you

rather

be

a

pig

 

 

A

pig

is

an

animal

with

dirt

on

his

face

 

 

His

shoes

are

a

terrible

disgrace

 

 

He's

got

no

manners

when

he

eats

his

food

 

 

He's

fat

and

lazy

and

extremely

rude

 

 

But

if

you

don't

care

a

feather

or

a

fig

 

 

You

may

grow

up

to

be

a

pig

 

 

And

all

the

monkeys

aren't

in

the

zoo

 

 

Every

day

you

see

quite

a

few

 

 

So

you

see

it's

all

up

to

you

 

 

You

could

be

better

than

you

are

 

 

You

could

be

swingin'

on

a

star

 

 

You

got

the

horse

Ed

 

 

and

I'm

robbing

an

auction

house

 

Let's

go

Hawk

Hey

Dean

I

don't

get

it

I'm

looking

at

the

auction

room

and

I

see

that

little

blue

chair

I

didn't

wanna

do

it

All

I

wanted

was

a

cappuccino

Snap

out

of

it

You

think

that's

strange

check

out

screen

two

Hey

that's

us

 

 

Shit

I

hold

you

responsible

Tommy

 

You

could

be

swinging

on

a

star

 

Let's

take

it

home

 

You

could

be

swinging

on

a

star

 

Hey

 

Let's

go

out

the

back

way

 

Get

up

You're

embarrassing

me

 

Would

you

get

going

 

Come

on

go

 

Go

go

go

 

Come

on

Beat

it

Tommy

Come

on

I

can't

tell

you

how

happy

I

am

that

we

covered

our

tracks

 

 

I'm

not

as

fat

as

that

guard

am

I

Oh

no

You're

a

slender

reed

compared

to

that

guard

Come

on

Slim

Jim

Hudson

Hawk

gets

the

chair

of

honor

Good

job

Not

pretty

but

good

All

this

trouble

for

a

horsey

I

may

not

know

art

but

I

know

what

I

like

 

 

when's

this

Sebastian

Cabot

Buckingham

Palacelooking

butlerhead

motherfucker

getting

here

Any

minute

now

dear

Mr

Gates

 

Sorry

Jeeves

 

Exquisite

Leonardo

da

Vinci's

last

commission

for

the

duke

of

Milan

Irreplaceable

Hey

Mr

French

I'm

What

the

What

Yes

You

son

of

a

bitch

I

stuck

my

neck

out

setting

this

up

for

you

limey

bastards

Now

where's

my

cut

So

much

for

his

cut

Forgive

my

dry

British

humor

You

know

I

think

Gates

promised

Hawk

a

cut

too

Lovely

work

Alfred

You

taking

the

Concorde

back

Always

Mr

Mario

I'm

really

racking

up

those

frequentflier

points

Tata

Hudson

Hawk

Yo

FiveTone

Did

I

miss

anything

Gates

tries

to

blackmail

me

You

ask

me

"Did

I

miss

anything"

Gates

gets

killed

You

say

"Did

I

miss

anything"

I

bet

you'd

go

up

to

Mrs

Lincoln

at

the

Ford

Theatre:

And

say

"How

was

the

show

Did

I

miss

anything"

 

 

Jeez

Gates

was

killed

So

who

do

we

send

a

thankyou

note

to

The

butler

did

it

Guy

was

a

cross

between

Alistair

Cooke

and

a

Cuisinart

Took

Mr

Ed

HumptyDumptied

it

over

Gates'

head

and

get

this:

 

 

Da

Vinci's

Sforza

I

consider

it

to

be

the

prize

of

tonight's

auction

of

objets

d'equestrian

Horse

things

All

right

Mr

PBS

you

got

me

Morning

edition

It

says

here

two

thieves

attempted

to

steal

it

last

night

but

thanks

to

three

brave

guards

it

will

be

ready

for

tonight

Attempted

I

didn't

wanna

steal

the

goddamned

thing

in

the

first

place

but

I

do

have

my

pride

I

don't

understand

this

Why

try

Forget

about

it

Because

I'm

tired

of

not

understanding

things

Cops

Mafia

butlers

forcing

me

to

steal

something

which

now

it

appears

I

didn't

steal

after

all

It's

all

too

goddamn

peculiar

Tommy

 

 

How

much

does

a

new

tuxedo

cost

A

fantastic

example

of

Florentine

bronze

Now

who

will

start

at

 

Hundredandforty

thousand

Hundredandsixty

thousand

Seventy

Eighty

Ninety

thousand

Two

hundred

Twenty

Forty

Twohundredandfifty

thousand

Twohundredandfifty

thousand

Sixty

thousand

Seventy

Eighty

Ninety

Three

hundred

thousand

Threeten

Sold

You

know

after

all

these

years

I

still

get

goose

bumps

coming

to

these

auctions

The

paintings

the

sculptures

Things

that

aren't

really

paintings

or

sculptures

Pretentious

vultures

who

never

look

up

from

their

calculators

to

see

what

they're

buying

Now

that

gives

me

goose

bumps

Auctions

are

disgusting

I

couldn't

agree

more

Savages

Now

lot

 

An

equestrian

piece

attributed

to

the

Trillini

school

Now

who

will

start

at

 

Twohundredfifty

thousand

Eighty

thousand

Thank

you

sir

Three

hundred

thousand

Threetwenty

Threeforty

thousand

No

more

on

 

Sold

once

Twice

Sold

And

finally

lot

number

 

Thought

to

be

lost

in

the

war

and

again

last

night

The

da

Vinci

Sforza

the

jewel

of

the

sale

Fantastic

Is

looking

like

a

constipated

warthog

a

prerequisite

for

getting

a

job

in

the

art

world

Doctoressa

Anna

Baragli

of

the

Vatican

Doc

Some

of

us

warthogs

are

more

constipated

than

others

Oh

shit

Perfection

The

Vatican

extends

its

jealousy

to

the

lucky

bidder

Thank

you

doctor

We'll

begin

the

bidding

at

$

million

To

you

sir

 

 

Waldo

One

hundred

million

clams

That's

$

million

to

Mr

Darwin

Mayflower

One

hundred

million

and

one

Waldo

Fantastic

One

hundred

million

dollars

and

one

Outbid

by

mine

own

wench

Quelle

bummer

Don't

hate

me

baby

 

 

Any

other

bids

Going

once

Going

twice

Gone

My

God

That

was

bold

of

you

 

You

didn't

have

to

do

that

 

It's

nothing

Anybody

would

have

done

the

same

thing

No

I

mean

you

didn't

have

to

tackle

me

and

rip

my

dress

I'm

just

kidding

Thanks

for

saving

me

tough

guy

Why

was

that

guard

chasing

you

Because

danger

doc

is

my

middle

Couldn't

just

play

along

could

you

Eddie

You

gotta

admit

Eddie

Classy

way

of

covering

our

tracks

That

auctioneer

ought

to

be

landing

at

La

Guardia

any

minute

now

Hey

subtlety's

not

one

of

our

strong

points

Get

the

fuck

out

of

here

You

stupid

ass

 

 

Hey

This

is

a

brandnew

tuxedo

Hey

mister

Are

you

gonna

die

Happy

sailing

Hawk

No

Oh

no

How

am

I

driving

I'mgonnafuckingdie

Toll

booth

Exact

change

Make

him

roadkill

Up

yours

Cesar

Yeah

run

him

down

Cesar

Antony

Are

you

okay

What

the

fuck

is

the

matter

with

you

The

name's

Snickers

The

plane

leaves

in

 

Almond

Joy

Get

it

Candy

bars

Well

it's

better

than

when

we

first

started

out

Our

code

names

were

diseases

Do

you

know

what

it's

like

being

called

Chlamydia

for

a

year

Oops

forgot

 

My's

Butterfinger

 

Do

you

like

the

company's

new

look

I

call

them

the

"MTVIA"

George

you

promised

No

oldCIA/newCIA

jokes

Punks

They

think

the

Bay

of

Pigs

is

an

herbal

tea

and

the

Cold

War

has

something

to

do

with

penguins

Don't

I

know

you

The

last

time

you

saw

me

I

was

bald

with

a

beard

and

no

mustache

and

I

had

a

different

nose

So

if

you

don't

recognize

me

I

won't

be

offended

My

high

school

science

teacher

I'm

the

guy

who

tricked

you

into

robbing

the

government

installation

and

then

had

you

sent

to

prison

for

it

George

Kaplan

I'm

not

the

type

to

hold

a

grudge

George

I

used

you

as

a

diversion

I

guess

down

deep

I

was

just

jealous

You

were

one

hell

of

a

thief

To

what

do

I

owe

the

dishonor

of

this

reunion

Georgie

I

wanna

make

it

up

to

you

kid

That's

why

I

got

you

this

gig

And

to

quote

the

late

great

Karen

Carpenter:

We

have

only

just

begun

Three

minutes

four

seconds

Well

you

know

George

you're

a

little

late

Maybe

nobody

told

you

I

quit

stealing

 

 

 

 

Good

God

what's

that

Now

George

you

don't

expect

me

to

fall

for

that

old

gag

do

you

Shucks

I

guess

not

Now

Yes

now

No

way

Welcome

to

Rome

sir

So

Hawk

The

Hawkster

What

do

you

think

of

the

vehicle

Why

did

you

duck

at

the

auction

house

asshole

What

can

I

tell

you

I'm

the

villain

Initially

it

was

a

priority

to

keep

a

lot

of

buffers

between

you

and

me

But

since

most

of

them

are

dead

now

I

thought

what

the

heck

Hawkie

you

come

highly

recommended

I

hired

Kaplan

and

the

Mario

brothers

to

find

me

a

cat

burglar

Hey

I

want

to

be

in

business

with

you

 

I've

got

the

power

 

Ladies

and

gentlemen

of

the

board

and

Minerva

let's

give

it

up

for

Hudson

Hawk

Minerva

Minerva

Hello

Bunny

ballball

So

Hawkmeister

we

got

you

clothes

great

hotel

and

a

lire

per

diem

That's

$

a

day

So

he

can

get

a

hooker

and

some

tequila

Veto

Darwin

I

guess

we

see

who

wears

the

penis

in

this

family

For

God's

sake

somebody

chain

this

convict

Listen

Hawkie

This

might

be

hard

to

believe

but

I'm

just

a

regular

joe

I

just

want

to

be

happy

And

happiness

comes

from

the

achieving

of

goals

It's

just

that

when

you've

made

your

first

billion

by

the

age

of

 

it's

hard

to

keep

coming

up

with

new

ones

But

now

finally

I

got

myself

a

new

goal:

World

domination

Shut

up

 

Bunny

quit

that

 

Bunny

ballball

I

think

Bunny's

got

today's

ballballs

 

 

Bunny

you

weren't

that

bad

Just

two

more

minutes

I

was

so

close

But

seriously

folks

Concorde

me

back

home

put

me

in

jail

I

don't

care

You

go

back

to

jail

and

you

won't

be

alone

You'll

have

a

Guinea

barkeep

cellmate

to

keep

you

company

You're

young

enough

to

still

enjoy

shanking

child

molesters

for

a

pack

of

smokes

But

Tommy

FiveTone

will

go

in

knowing

the

next

time

he

gets

out

will

be

to

attend

his

own

funeral

Depressing

I

wouldn't

waste

a

dime

for

the

phone

call

You

don't

have

any

proof

The

magic

word

It's

"véjà

du"

Hawkhead:

Something

you

wish

never

did

happen

Kaplan

and

his

CIA

candy

bars

shot

the

entire

operation

with

hidden

cameras

They

put

the

fake

horse

in

the

safe

while

you

clowns

were

running

from

the

guards

Yikes

Damn

Fotomat

assholes

That's

a

good

shot

of

you

Minerva

My

man

you're

going

to

hit

a

church

We

want

you

to

steal

da

Vinci's

sketchbook

the

Codex

The

Vatican

I'm

robbing

the

freaking

Vatican

The

nuns

at

St

Agnes

predicted

this

What

do

they

call

you

guys

Igg

and

Ook

 

Hey

man

 

Yeah

buon

giorno

I'm

being

blackmailed

into

robbing

the

Vatican

by

a

psychotic

American

corporation

and

the

CIA

I

don't

That's

okay

colonel

Just

keep

an

eye

on

all

the

art

Courtney

stop

it

You're

embarrassing

your

country

Though

Leonardo

is

best

known

as

a

painter

it

was

his

gift

as

an

inventor

who

drew

together

science

and

art

that

is

most

incredible

Tough

guy

What

are

you

doing

here

You

know

every

time

I

get

around

you

my

heart

starts

beating

really

fast

As

you

know

the

Da

Vinci

Codex

has

lived

in

the

Vatican

for

centuries

and

will

continue

to

live

here

for

centuries

more

That's

what

you

think

 

Question

sir

 

Yeah

what

time

do

you

get

done

His

untiring

pen

predicted

the

airplane

the

submarine

the

bicycle

the

helicopter

and

even

the

tank

These

more

dangerous

designs

inspired

him

Pokey

 

What's

the

matter

Something

wrong

 

Quickly

come

with

me

Pokey

come

back

Is

that

smoke

bad

for

you

 

 

Through

here

Are

you

gonna

tell

me

why

you

did

that

back

there

or

are

you

gonna

blame

it

on

Dumbo

You

mean

Pokey

You

believe

that

kooky

little

elephant

 

 

It's

a

postal

subway

 

 

The

pope

takes

his

mail

seriously

Christmas

cards

Easter

Seals

Delivers

up

to

at

night

I

see

Well

actually

I

don't

see

I'm

very

confused

How

do

you

know

all

this

stuff

What

do

you

do

Well

I

do

a

lot

of

things

But

I

don't

steal

stuffed

elephants

from

little

girls

My

life's

pretty

boring

Yeah

mine

too

You

have

dinner

with

me

tonight

Nice

dull

boring

dinner

Scrabble

knockknock

jokes

anecdotes

about

dead

Italians

I'll

bring

my

entire

repertoire

And

I'll

bring

my

entire

entourage

There's

a

place

around

the

corner

 

Enzo's

Say

:

 

Hey

thanks

Father

it's

obvious

he's

up

to

something

Report

upstairs

at

once

Yes

sir

Did

he

mention

the

Mayflowers

No

your

eminence

He's

definitely

going

to

steal

the

Codex

I

can

feel

it

 

I'm

not

sure

when

 

Attempt

to

steal

you

mean

The

vanity

of

this

man

Hudson

Hawk

The

Vatican

has

foiled

the

advances

of

pirates

and

terrorists

We

will

not

lie

down

for

some

schmuck

from

New

Jersey

And

must

you

flirt

with

him

so

effectively

That's

the

only

way

As

an

agent

of

our

organization

you

are

put

in

awkward

situations

Just

remember

Hudson

Hawk

is

an

evil

evil

man

Yes

Hello

operator

I'd

like

to

make

a

collect

call

overseas

to

a

New

York

number

What

No

no

don't

put

me

 

Oh

shit

 

What

number

are

you

calling

please

Thank

God

 

Pick

up

the

phone

you

reindeergoatcheeseeating

bastard

Pick

it

up

Pick

it

up

Pick

it

up

Tommy

The

black

thing

On

the

desk

Come

on

Tommy

Want

a

little

more

Jumbo

Kick

your

big

flabby

ass

Hawk

Hawk

Hawk

 

 

Yes

I've

always

had

a

soft

spot

in

my

heart

for

Roma

I

did

my

first

barehanded

strangulation

here

Communist

politician

Why

George

you

big

softy

God

I

miss

Communism

The

Red

threat

People

were

scared

the

agency

had

some

respect

and

I

got

laid

every

night

Brief

him

Snickers

Good

news

Hawk

Mayflowers

have

moved

up

the

timetable

 

You're

hitting

the

Vatican

tonight

 

Oh

no

Oh

no

The

timing's

off

the

schedule's

not

right

I'm

underequipped

and

besides

that

I

got

a

date

Grapple

biker's

bottle

pocket

fisherman

olive

oil

 

stamps

Gee

stud

this

gonna

be

some

date

No

Harvey's

Bristol

Cream

Snickers

make

that

list

happen

Oh

it's

one

thing

to

play

hideandseek

with

the

Mayflowers'

pathetic

staff

but

we're

sore

losers

We

blow

up

space

shuttles

for

breakfast

You

and

your

friend

Tommy

would

be

nothing

more

than

a

A

lateafternoon

Triscuit

Ciao

Hey

Old

man

Yeah

you

You

come

back

here

without

your

Cub

Scout

army

and

I'll

kick

your

centrally

intelligent

ass

up

one

side

the

piazza

and

down

the

other

Beware

the

blue

wire

Hey

Mr

Hawk

I

got

your

stamps

Good

Yogi

Now

Kit

Kat

how

did

you

know

about

that

blue

wire

I

was

afraid

you

weren't

gonna

drop

by

Am

I

late

You

look

very

nice

You

really

do

 

 

I

am

the

waiter

sir

Oh

very

nice

Fettuccine

con

funghi

porcini

Prego

And

bring

me

a

bottle

of

ketchup

with

that

will

you

You

heard

him

Ketchup

Ketchup

Stupid

Americano

Come

on

Pierre

read

my

lips

Steak

burger

French

fries

This

is

France

You

got

to

have

french

fries

Actually

it's

Italy

Butterfinger

she

said

as

if

it

made

a

difference

To

be

in

Paris

and

in

love

They

had

the

worst

ketchup

when

I

was

in

prison

Prison

I

was

a

warden

How

long

were

you

in

Let's

just

say

I

never

saw

ET

You

were

in

the

joint

doing

hard

time

It's

funny

but

that

excites

me

I

seem

to

have

a

thing

for

sinners

I

seem

to

have

a

thing

for

sinning

Check

please

Where

did

you

get

the

Hawk

Ossining

New

York

Where

did

you

get

the

Hudson

Hawk

Well

a

"hawk"

is

a

slang

word

for

the

cold

wind

that

blows

in

the

wintertime

I

grew

up

in

a

town

called

Hoboken

New

Jersey

which

is

on

the

Hudson

River

 

So

Hudson

River

Hudson

Hawk

 

And

where

did

you

get

these

Had

a

little

accident

around

the

house

 

 

 

 

Yes

they

hurt

Maybe

I

can

make

them

feel

better

Well

okay

See

what

you

can

do

Don't

Don't

tickle

me

Don't

do

it

Don't

do

it

because

Because

I

gotta

tell

you

something

What

No

I

better

whisper

it

to

you

Come

here

I

can't

do

this

What's

the

matter

It's

been

a

long

time

for

me

Well

it's

been

a

really

long

time

for

me

Outside

of

a

friendly

dog

yesterday

morning

this

has

been

a

very

slow

decade

I

don't

make

love

every

years

I

get

a

little

cranky

I'm

not

sure

if

I

remember

how

to

kiss

girls

Not

that

I

ever

kiss

guys

Catholic

girls

are

scary

 

 

This

is

not

what

you

think

Well

maybe

it

is

You

went

and

did

it

You

really

did

it

In

one

day

in

less

than

one

day

of

planning

and

you

did

it

You

started

the

week

by

stealing

the

Sforza

 

 

Yeah

but

What

are

your

weekend

plans

Hoisting

away

the

Colosseum

 

But

you

don't

 

Tell

me

did

the

devil

make

you

do

it

Or

did

Darwin

and

Minerva

Mayflower

Can't

we

just

go

back

to

the

kissing

part

What's

going

on

in

there

You

want

me

to

rape

them

Here

just

read

your

book

Butterfinger

Not

in

a

boat

not

on

a

train

Not

with

a

goat

not

in

the

rain

#ЗНАЧ

 

To

yourself

To

yourself

It's

more

complicated

than

that

Hudson

For

two

years

I've

been

tracking

the

Mayflowers'

peculiar

interest

in

the

three

da

Vinci

pieces

The

Sforza

statue

was

a

fake

but

I

was

under

orders

not

to

denounce

it

Does

everybody

in

the

whole

world

know

more

than

me

 

You

didn't

know

 

I'm

just

some

guy

that's

good

at

swiping

stuff

Who

knew

that

would

lead

to

this

Christ

they

even

got

the

CIA

Involved

now

Here's

looking

at

you

kid

Hey

This

doesn't

taste

like

cappuccino

I

guess

I

put

too

much

ethyl

chloride

in

it

Why

didn't

you

say

at

the

restaurant

that

Hawk

had

hit

the

Vatican

tonight

My

people

will

not

be

happy

I

want

to

see

Kaplan

Damn

meddlesome

Vatican

organization

Hey

Way

to

go

Anna

Hudson

Hawk

had

some

interesting

things

to

say

about

you

and

the

Mayflowers

Basically

that

you're

all

part

of

the

same

car

pool

Anna

Anna

Anna

if

that

were

so

Almond

Joy

would've

handed

you

your

heart

right

after

you

handed

her

the

Codex

No

now

the

trip

is

this:

Soon

as

the

Mayflowers

find

out

we

have

the

Codex

they're

gonna

want

to

make

a

deal

We

deal

they'll

buy

we

bust

 

 

I

wouldn't

worry

too

much

about

him

He's

He's

gonna

be

in

very

good

hands

But

you

you

look

really

tired

kiddo

Maybe

you

should

go

back

to

Rome

and

get

some

sleep

Kit

Kat

Oh

there

you

are

See

that

Miss

Baragli

gets

home

safely

Arrividerci

baby

With

all

due

respect

to

that

great

dress

how

come

you

didn't

you

let

me

cut

her

heart

out

Close

call

close

call

But

she's

the

only

way

we

have

keeping

tabs

on

the

damn

mysterious

Vatican

organization

Bunny

Mayflower

Forgive

me

Father

for

I

have

sinned

It's

been

hours

since

my

last

confession

Hit

me

with

your

best

shot

I

betrayed

a

man

A

good

man

An

innocent

man

A

thief

Anna

what

are

you

trying

to

say

Father

we've

been

doublecrossed

by

the

CIA

Hudson

Hawk

is

not

who

we

thought

he

was

He

came

into

a

world

where

crime

is

a

legitimate

business

tactic

and

a

legitimate

government

procedure

but

he

knew

right

from

wrong

Oh

and

we

kind

of

messed

around

Messed

around

Messed

around

Seventeen

Hail

Marys

and

five

minutes

outside

So

Sister

what

you

are

saying

is

that

Hudson

Hawk

is

not

willingly

working

for

the

Mayflowers

but

that

Kaplan

and

the

candy

bars

are

I

thought

we

were

using

the

CIA

to

get

to

Mayflower

but

the

CIA

is

using

me

to

keep

us

away

from

Mayflower

The

pope

warned

me

never

to

trust

the

CIA

If

the

Mayflowers

get

all

three

crystals

for

the

gold

machine

the

world

economy

will

be

ruined

Ayyiyi

Lord

help

us

But

what

of

Tommy

FiveTone

Hawk's

friend

Where's

his

loyalty

I'm

going

to

find

out

But

you

must

remember

Sister

you

have

your

vows

to

God

as

well

as

your

mission

to

the

world

Yes

Your

Eminence

Just

say

"God

go

with

me"

God

go

with

you

Sister

Ball

Jolly

good

shot

sir

Hudson

Hawk

You

cease

to

amaze

me

convict

You

are

a

terrible

cat

burglar

Haven't

you

ever

seen

like

David

Niven

Tiptoe

in

tiptoe

out

Like

a

cat

one

would

say

I

could

take

it

back

 

 

I

don't

care

Oh

you

two

There's

nothing

I

hate

more

than

failure

All

you

had

to

do

was

follow

the

Hawk

It's

not

like

I

said

teach

our

nation's

children

how

to

read

I

suppose

we're

just

going

to

have

to

kill

them

God

Minerva

I

was

just

joking

 

Get

away

from

there

convict

 

Don't

hurt

him

We

need

him

for

the

final

job

Oh

really

Don't

hurt

him

Even

if

he

does

this

What

about

this

Surely

this

must

offend

Things

are

really

heating

up

at

the

Castle

Vinci

tonight

Mamma

mia

pizzeria

May

I

call

you

Minnie

You

put

your

left

foot

in

You

put

your

left

foot

out

Come

to

think

of

it

there

is

a

part

of

your

body

that

you

won't

be

needing

for

your

next

job

I

always

did

wanna

sing

like

Frankie

Valli

Big

boys

don't

cry

Three

minutes

seconds

Look

you

Eddie

Munsterlooking

motherfucker

somebody

better

tell

me

what's

going

on

or

I

ain't

gonna

move

another

muscle

 

 

That's

fair

Now

go

to

your

room

What

So

Captain

Hawk

in

one

of

your

paws

you've

got

a

gold

bar

worth

about

eight

thou

In

the

autre

you've

got

lead

that

won't

get

you

gelato

Surely

a

master

thief

like

you

can

tell

the

difference

That's

one

down

Kitty

Carlisle

Cool

isn't

it

Weight

feel

malleability

They're

all

but

identical

On

the

periodic

chart

of

elements

they're

but

one

proton

apart

Great

minds

worked

for

centuries

to

turn

worthless

into

priceless

Alchemy

Alchemy

is

the

business

term

of

the

's

my

man

Minerva

read

it

in

an

airline

magazine

about

four

years

ago

I

dumped

some

lire

into

research

and

shazam

We

come

across

a

diary

by

one

of

da

Vinci's

assistants

detailing

la

macchina

d'oro

The

gold

machine

for

the

hoes

at

home

And

the

rest

is

about

to

become

history

Money

isn't

everything

Gold

is

Fuck

Tbills

Fuck

bluechip

stocks

Fuck

junk

bonds

We've

got

the

real

deal

Money

will

always

be

paper

but

gold

will

always

be

gold

After

a

couple

of

years

of

steady

production

we'll

flood

the

market

with

so

much

gold

that

gold

itself

the

foundation

of

all

finance

will

lose

its

meaning

Brokers

economists

fellow

entrepreneurs

will

drown

in

the

saliva

of

their

own

nervous

breakdowns

Sounds

like

a

party

Markets

will

crashcrash

Financial

empires

will

crumblecrumble

Except

yoursyours

In

baby

the

European

superpowers

are

coming

together

to

form

one

business

superpower

And

that's

one

party

we're

gonna

love

to

poop

Well

that's

set

The

last

ingredient

in

the

recipe

is

da

Vinci's

model

of

a

helicopter

On

display

for

three

days

only

at

the

Louvre

in

Paris

As

opposed

to

the

Louvre

in

Wisconsin

Shut

up

You'll

make

me

lose

my

place

You're

gonna

have

to

go

in

at

night

 

 

Okay

time

out

I

choose

not

to

accept

the

assignment

Mr

Phelps

Put

me

in

jail

Put

me

and

Jail

you

asshole

Our

foot

soldiers

will

blow

your

brains

out

Bunny

Ballball

I'll

torture

you

so

slowly

you'll

think

it's

a

career

I'll

kill

your

friends

your

family

and

the

bitch

you

took

to

the

prom

Betty

Jo

Biarsky

I

can

get

you

an

address

on

that

if

you

want

You

have

a

dilemma

tiger

And

I

think

I

know

what's

gonna

help

you

solve

it

I'll

kill

you

all

I

swear

to

God

I'll

kill

that

butler

I'll

kill

that

little

yappy

dog

I'm

sick

of

this

I

hated

cigarettes

until

I

saw

my

first

"no

smoking"

sign

Keep

off

the

grass

Let's

play

soccer

The

only

law

I

cared

for

was

friendship

I

broke

that

one

too

didn't

I

I

just

don't

think

that

it's

such

a

smokinghot

idea

to

leave

them

in

there

alone

Relax

George

That's

why

we

hired

the

pastaslurping

Guinea

to

begin

with

to

keep

Hawk

in

line

This

GatesMario

brothers

CIAMayflowerda

Vinci

thing

I

mean

it

seemed

like

a

sweet

deal

Visit

foreign

lands

take

their

treasures

I

don't

know

Eddie

I

thought

you'd

get

into

it

It's

better

than

playing

darts

with

MBAs

at

the

bar

But

I

didn't

think

it

was

gonna

be

like

this

Them

using

me

to

use

you

I'm

sorry

Eddie

but

there's

only

one

way

out

of

this

and

it's

gonna

hurt

me

more

than

it's

gonna

hurt

you

They'll

talk

about

being

buddies

and

chugging

brewskis

You've

got

to

love

male

bonding

You

fucked

my

freedom

for

a

lousy

job

Come

on

 

You

know

something

Eddie

 

 

You

hit

like

a

girl

 

Oh

really

I

was

only

kidding

Tommy

No

Tommy

Plan

B

George

Plan

B

No

sweat

Tommy

You

just

made

the

biggest

mistake

of

my

life

Don't

act

like

you

never

committed

a

crime

before

 

 

 

Thank

God

you're

dead

 

When

those

blanks

went

off

everybody

freaked

 

Ketchup

You

can't

beat

Heinz

 

 

 

 

 

You

don't

understand

 

You

better

be

glad

I

don't

hit

women

assuming

you

are

a

woman

because

from

now

on

I

ain't

taking

nothing

for

granted

 

Hey

look

Eddie

I'm

sorry

 

Hudson

I'm

sorry

I

work

for

a

covert

Vatican

humanitarian

organization

and

the

CIA

made

a

fool

out

of

me

 

What's

more

 

Hey

man

I

care

for

you

I

love

you

 

Then

what's

this

 

The

da

Vinci

castle

You

know

the

place

where

you

gave

the

bad

guys

the

Codex

 

That's

from

the

gold

machine

 

So

they

really

were

that

close

to

making

it

work

But

now

that

they

lost

the

services

of

the

world's

greatest

cat

burglar

and

his

dead

partner

They

won't

be

able

to

steal

the

third

piece

of

the

crystal

And

we

get

to

go

home

 

FiveTone

let

me

ask

you

something

 

Why

do

they

leave

all

these

rocks

and

shit

laying

out

in

the

backyard

They're

called

ruins

Eddie

 

 

Yeah

ruins

Good

name

He

had

this

look

on

his

face

when

we

caught

him

It

was

like

I

never

saw

a

look

on

a

face

like

this

when

he

got

caught

I

swear

to

God

he

was

so

embarrassed

You

know

speaking

of

being

caught

isn't

the

CIA

gonna

think

to

check

out

this

place

No

they

fell

for

the

fake

death

They

think

Hawk's

been

arrested

Kaplan

and

the

candy

bars

were

seen

by

my

sources

boarding

a

plane

out

of

Rome

 

 

FiveTone

will

you

quit

worrying

about

it

man

I'm

not

worried

alright

I'm

just

being

cautious

Okay

guys

On

that

note

it's

time

for

bed

 

I

couldn't

agree

more

 

Tommy

you're

gonna

sleep

here

 

 

Oh

yeah

Good

night

I'll

get

you

some

sheets

Yeah

we'll

get

you

some

sheets

 

It's

a

very

special

night

 

Yes

it

was

 

 

There's

some

things

you

don't

know

about

me

But

there's

some

things

I

do

know

about

you

and

about

me

and

about

that

bed

This

is

not

the

time

Hudson

Look

can't

we

just

have

a

latenight

cappuccino

I'm

sorry

but

the

machine's

still

set

up

for

poisonous

foam

 

 

Good

night

Don't

even

think

about

it

Don't

say

another

word

It's

a

very

special

night

Very

funny

Very

funny

Tommy

Good

morning

The

license

plates

on

the

police

van

had

a

Vatican

prefix

I'm

losing

respect

for

you

guys

You

were

that

close

to

getting

away

with

this

crap

 

 

Now

where's

Anna

You

know

George

it's

nice

of

you

guys

to

drop

by

but

next

time

you

might

want

to

phone

ahead

Why

don't

you

come

back

in

a

halfhour

Grab

ourselves

a

shower

pick

up

some

croissants

and

shit

I

really

wish

I

could

come

up

with

this

glib

repartee

the

way

you

guys

can

But

I

can't

So

I'll

just

paralyze

you

A

J

Curare

darts

When

it

comes

to

instantaneous

loss

of

all

physical

control

below

the

neck

 

 

Eddie

I

can't

move

I'm

gonna

rip

their

fucking

tongues

out

Come

here

you

chickenshit

son

of

a

bitches

Come

here

My

head

against

yours

Fair

fight

This

is

how

I

go

out

Like

a

hunk

of

frozen

PlayDoh

Like

a

Gumby

in

the

store

What

the

fuck

are

you

la

Keep

laughing

Jumbo

You

made

it

come

out

of

my

nose

Keep

that

shit

up

This

is

no

way

George

to

get

me

to

rob

the

Louvre

The

Louvre

The

Louvre

Hawk

is

yesterday's

news

Or

should

I

say

this

morning's

I

admit

we

displayed

a

lack

of

nuance

Didn't

wear

black

didn't

sing

"Swinging

on

a

Star"

Well

we

weren't

being

judged

for

neatness

only

results

Goddamn

it

Yanks

lose

again

 

 

You

guys

may

be

the

fairest

cat

burglars

of

them

all

but

if

you

weren't

such

snobs

a

lot

of

those

guards

at

the

Louvre

might

still

be

alive

But

that's

irrelevant

now

You're

irrelevant

now

Because

tonight

at

the

Castle

da

Vinci

we

make

gold

Rise

and

shine

sleepyheads

Ah

more

babes

for

the

party

 

Hi

Anna

 

Hi

Anna

Don't

be

stupid

Mr

Kaplan

Give

me

the

crystal

Anna

Baragli

Came

to

play

Annabananafofanna

You're

not

gonna

shoot

little

old

me

are

you

You're

not

gonna

shoot

little

old

anybody

 

 

Shoot

Anna

I

read

your

dossier

 

 

Pull

the

trigger

Why

did

she

call

you

Sister

I'm

sorry

Hudson

I

meant

to

tell

you

 

He

didn't

know

 

He

didn't

know

Know

what

Hawk

likes

a

nun

Those

better

be

tears

you're

crying

Tommy

They

are

It

doesn't

mean

I

don't

love

you

Oh

no

You

love

me

It's

your

job

You

probably

love

Butterfingers

over

there

Well

yeah

In

a

weird

sort

of

Catholic

way

I

do

But

you

You

Well

Miss

Baragli's

da

Vinci

expertise

allows

her

to

go

on

to

the

next

course

 

 

Sorry

guys

A

souvenir

Ciao

 

Later

guys

 

Guys

we

got

some

good

news

and

some

bad

news

The

good

news

is

you'll

be

completely

unparalyzed

in

about

two

minutes

The

bad

news

is

that

leaves

you

only

five

seconds

to

defuse

the

bombs

 

 

I'm

so

glad

it

had

to

be

like

this

I'll

just

shoot

one

in

the

kitchen

for

good

measure

Almond

Joy

More

paralysis

 

 

This

is

what

I

get

for

darting

a

nun

Get

this

fucking

thing

off

my

head

 

Tommy

look

at

Snickers

 

He's

about

to

have

a

bad

migraine

Maybe

it

was

a

dud

I

don't

know

It

must

be

the

curare

It's

been

known

to

have

certain

side

effects

Oh

really

George

I

feel

like

a

dolphin

who's

never

tasted

melted

snow

Listen

Anna

The

apprentice's

diary

contains

a

code

that

explains

how

the

three

pieces

of

crystal

fit

together

If

you

could

do

us

the

honor

and

decipher

how

the

code

works

we

would

be

eternally

grateful

What

does

the

color

blue

taste

like

Bobo

knows

I

must

speak

with

the

dolphins

now

Just

shoot

her

Anybody

Darwin

this

is

supposed

to

be

torture

not

therapy

 

Eddie

the

old

man

said

turn

left

at

the

fork

 

If

you

wanna

save

Anna

you

gotta

find

the

castle

first

 

 

I'm

not

pushing

 

 

 

Okay

Hey

Tommy

 

 

Who

are

you

Bob

Hope

for

Texaco

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tommy

let

me

ask

you

something

 

 

 

You

look

great

What

are

you

kidding

No

I

want

you

to

tell

me

Come

on

I've

been

away

a

long

time

Eddie

Eddie

we're

hanging

off

a

castle

in

the

middle

of

Italy

and

you're

asking

me

how

you

look

Okay

okay

You

don't

gotta

get

You

look

gorgeous

 

 

Well

I

didn't

know

Hey

A

lifetime

of

service

and

it's

come

to

this

The

dolphin

is

dead

The

dolphin

is

Come

on

you

bitch

I'm

not

a

very

good

damsel

in

a

dress

am

I

You

must

pay

the

rent

But

I

can't

pay

the

rent

Yo

Flipper

A

damsel

in

distress

implies

that

there

is

some

wellhung

Dudley

DoRight

galloping

up

to

save

you

It

ain't

gonna

happen

Hudson

Hawk

go

boomboom

He

dead

 

I'm

thinking

of

using

the

iron

 

Looks

long

junior

 

 

Thank

you

Fore

Fore

Did

anybody

hear

something

Can

you

fucking

believe

I

heard

something

 

 

From

now

on

please

set

the

timer

 

Come

on

Butterfinger

 

I

think

it's

time

for

Plan

C

darling

Kit

Kat

you

guard

the

Mayflowers

with

your

life

Oh

Kit

Kat

Are

you

really

going

to

guard

us

with

your

life

Kit

Kat

A

double

crossbow

for

a

doublecross

Oh

Alfie

you

dry

British

madman

 

 

Catch

you

later

baby

 

 

Try

this

one

Sister

Thou

shalt

not

share

It's

in

the

hole

The

gallery's

ecstatic

Oh

he's

gotta

be

happy

with

that

one

Tommy

So

what

do

you

say

Eddie

Two

and

half

minutes

to

save

Anna

three

and

a

half

minutes

to

save

the

world

 

"Side

by

Side"

 

Oh

we

ain't

got

a

barrel

of

money

 

 

We

may

be

ragged

and

funny

 

 

But

we'll

travel

along

 

Hit

it

Eddie

 

Singin'

a

song

 

 

Side

by

side

 

Yeah

let's

go

down

this

way

Maybe

we'd

better

go

this

way

Okay

This

way

Eddie

Eddie

Eddie

We'd

better

split

up

I'll

take

the

front

nine

you

take

the

back

nine

And

we'll

meet

back

at

the

clubhouse

 

Hey

Tommy

 

 

Looking

good

my

man

 

Hey

 

 

 

Three

two

one

 

Three

two

one

Go

in

Brief

the

Mayflowers

on

the

current

situation

You

got

it

coach

 

Through

all

kinds

of

weather

 

 

What

if

the

sky

should

fall

 

 

Just

as

long

as

we're

together

 

 

It

doesn't

matter

at

all

 

 

When

they've

all

had

their

quarrels

and

parted

 

 

We'll

be

the

same

as

we

started

 

 

Just

sailin'

along

 

 

Singin'

our

song

 

 

Side

by

 

Side

I'll

take

that

sir

Hey

coach

Looks

bad

I

think

those

Mayflowers

set

us

up

Jumbo

we

hardly

knew

you

Since

you're

not

gonna

tell

us

what

we

want

to

know

then

I

think

it's

time

for

you

to

report

to

the

head

office

in

heaven

Sis

If

you

see

the

big

guy

tell

him

he's

a

loser

That's

it

 

That

didn't

hurt

 

Try

this

What

do

you

say

now

you

centrally

intelligent

scumsicle

Getting

old

George

Tommy

you

New

YorkItalianfather

madebucksaweek

son

of

a

bitch

You

were

hired

as

bait

and

on

this

simple

task

you

have

betrayed

me

 

 

One

Two

Three

Four

Just

one

more

Five

That

didn't

Hurt

How

do

I

stop

this

My

hat

I

guess

you

never

fucked

with

nobody

from

Hoboken

before

 

Hudson

 

we're

supposed

to

be

saving

you

I'm

sorry

I

got

bored

so

I

saved

myself

We

still

gotta

get

them

crystal

pieces

don't

we

Got

them

right

here

cowboy

Got

them

right

here

cowboy

 

Eddie

 

Tommy

Alfred

I

won't

be

needing

the

car

anymore

Tata

Tommy

Eddie

My

pension

 

 

Dead

Hudson

look

Out

 

 

Anna

Hawkmeister

You're

probably

wondering

why

you're

still

alive

We're

still

having

a

little

problem

putting

this

damn

crystal

together

Alfie

and

I

have

been

at

it

all

night

Well

What

are

you

waiting

for

 

Don't

do

it

Hudson

 

Besides

we

don't

have

much

choice

do

we

Oh

Hawk

don't

ever

change

Nice

Hawk

Bad

Hawk

Why

is

the

world

jampacked

with

such

idiots

Every

schmo

has

the

fantasy

that

the

planet

revolves

around

them

It

rains

A

car

crash

stops

traffic

You

say

"How

can

this

happen

to

me"

But

for

us

this

isn't

a

fantasy

It

is

a

reality

Oh

yes

If

da

Vinci

was

alive

today

he'd

be

eating

microwave

sushi

naked

in

the

back

of

a

Cadillac

with

the

both

of

us

The

project

of

his

life

is

now

the

toy

of

mine

History

tradition

culture

are

not

concepts

These

are

trophies

I

keep

in

my

den

as

paperweights

The

chaos

we

will

cause

the

world

with

this

machine

will

be

our

final

masterpiece

Go

team

go

Yes

Now

Eureka

motherfucker

Well

you

should

feel

very

good

about

yourself

 

 

What

would

happen

if

I

didn't

put

that

crystal

together

exactly

right

What

do

you

mean

Well

let's

just

say

for

example

I

left

out

this

little

piece

of

mirror

here

 

 

Good

Minerva

Minerva

Alfred

 

 

How'd

it

get

to

be

my

turn

I

just

killed

Darwin

and

Minerva

 

 

All

right

Just

stay

over

here

and

try

to

stay

out

of

the

way

alright

 

 

Okay

Thou

shalt

not

kill

Thou

shalt

not

kill

Sorry

Stop

helping

me

Hey

Alfred

you

won't

be

attending

that

hat

convention

in

July

 

 

With

this

dog

now

Oh

Bunny

Ballball

Come

on

puppy

chow

gotta

go

Here

we

go

Move

your

hand

Take

it

away

Just

hang

on

Oh

Leonardo

Go

Leonardo

Oh

baby

Hi

kids

 

 

Yes

Hudson

Can

I

ask

you

something

Sure

Will

you

play

Nintendo

with

me

I

can't

think

of

anybody

I'd

rather

play

Nintendo

with

Wait

a

minute

 

 

You

know

Oh

I

think

he

wants

me

to

keep

an

eye

on

you

You

know

I

think

he

wants

you

to

keep

an

eye

on

me

too

Because

I

got

criminal

tendencies

 

 

 

 

I

just

wish

Tommy

were

here

No

way

That's

not

very

nice

No

way

Yes

way

Did

I

miss

anything

Did

you

miss

anything

You're

supposed

to

be

all

crashed

up

at

the

bottom

of

the

hill

Air

bags

Can

you

fucking

believe

it

You're

supposed

to

be

blown

up

into

fiery

chunks

of

flesh

Sprinkler

system

set

up

in

the

back

Can

you

fucking

believe

it

Yeah

that's

probably

what

happened

Drink

your

cappuccino

Hey

Drink

your

coffee

With

the

world

saved

and

the

secrets

of

da

Vinci

protected

Eddie

finally

got

his

coffee

 

Would

you

like

to

swing

on

a

star

 

 

Carry

moonbeams

home

in

a

jar

 

 

And

be

better

off

than

you

are

 

 

Or

would

you

rather

be

a

fish

 

 

A

fish

won't

do

anything

but

swim

in

a

brook

 

 

He

can't

write

his

name

or

read

a

book

 

 

To

fool

the

people

is

his

only

thought

 

 

And

though

he's

slippery

he

still

gets

caught

 

 

But

then

if

that

sort

of

life

is

what

you

wish

 

 

You

may

grow

up

to

be

a

fish

 

 

And

all

the

monkeys

aren't

in

a

zoo

 

 

Every

day

you

meet

quite

a

few

 

 

So

you

see

it's

all

up

to

you

 

 

You

could

be

better

than

you

are

 

 

You

could

be

swingin'

on

a

star